A/N: I don't know which cliffhanger was worse - the one where Sirius ran into Riley or the one I just left with you. I have written and rewritten this chapter several times. One minute I was happy with it. The next, I wasn't. So I actually do apologize for keeping you waiting as I anticipated uploading this chapter two weeks after the last chapter, but I wasn't ready to upload it until I was content with the way it turned out. So the good news is, I'm not giving you a half-assed chapter!

Disclaimer: I love me some J.K. Rowling but alas I am not her.


Goodbyes on the Balcony

Chapter 48: Of Betrayal, Betrayal, & More Betrayal

By ByeByeBirdie


++LILY++

"I slept with Sirius."

You may not believe me but I never intended to say those words aloud. I had wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt me. I had wanted him to feel overwhelming pain. I had wanted him to know what it felt like to be punched in the gut at the same time a stinging hex was swarming your heart. And I had wanted him to stop loving me because he didn't deserve to, not after everything he's put me through.

But I never intended to hurt him the way I did. I never intended to say those words aloud. I wanted to take it back the moment I said it.

Because as much as I wanted to cause him severe emotional pain, I could never wish this amount of heart-wrenching agony on anyone. Not my worst enemy. And not even to the guy who destroyed my heart.

Twice.

But I couldn't take it back now. The words were out there.

So now all I could do was wait to hear what he had to say.


++JAMES++

"I slept with Sirius."

Time stopped. Everything faded to black. Every inch of me froze in troubling uncertainty. My heart began to beat irrepressibly, threatening to escape the confines of my ribcage out of pure panic.

"I slept with Sirius."

Those four words circled around in my mind, taunting and haunting me every step of the way. I tried opening my mouth to say something, anything, but my mouth hadn't yet caught up with my head. I could see Lily standing in front of me but she felt a million miles away.

"I slept with Sirius."

Slowly, everything started to come back into focus. I could see Lily standing in front of me, looking just as tortured as I felt. I wasn't dreaming. This was real. Those words had actually come out of her mouth.

"I slept with Sirius."

She said nothing more and I couldn't be sure if I was grateful or if that just made me even more confused. She did say those words, right? I wasn't making that up. That actually happened?

"I slept with Sirius."

I jerked back to the situation staring me in the face when I heard Lily say my name. That was it. Just the one word. But it was enough to force me into recognizing this was actually real. This was happening. It was just four words but they were beyond painful.

"James?"

My fists clenched instinctively. "You…you don't mean that," I finally spoke shakily, my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

"I slept with Sirius."

She shut her eyes, the guilt spreading across her face. I could see now in her expression that she had regretted the words the moment she spoke them but they couldn't be taken back now. She didn't try to speak, her emotions overwhelming her and inevitably overwhelming me. She looked terrified and I knew I just looked panicked. We were a troubled pair, too far gone to come back from this now.

"You don't mean that, Lily," I pleaded when she didn't speak.

Her eyes fluttered open and she dared to look me in the eye. The guilt staring up at me was undeniable. And she didn't even have to say anything because I knew in that moment – hell, I had known the moment she spoke the words – that she had meant them. She had meant every word.

She spoke anyway. "You know I wouldn't say it if it weren't true," she whispered.

She was right. Lily didn't have a vengeful bone in her body. She wouldn't have said something so outlandish if there wasn't truth behind it. This was real. This was actually happening to me.

And suddenly, I couldn't even breathe. The world was swallowing me up, jeering at me for being an ignorant lost soul. I reached out to steady myself on the wall, my knees shaking with anxious dread. A devastating shiver ran slowly down my spine as I tried desperately to look anywhere but at her. But if it was as if someone had petrified me, I was so frozen on that spot in utter despair that even my eyes wouldn't move. Every limb of mine went numb, the confusion and anger and frustration and pain – so much pain – building up inside of me. My heart continued to rattle against my ribcage as I watched the grief fill her expression.

"But…" the single word sputtered out, but that was it. I couldn't wrap my head around what to even say or do. No words seemed to form on my tongue. I merely stared at her as I felt the pain in my heart grow, my fists tightening with pure rage. There wasn't anything else to say or do except let the horrible words sink in. Four horrible words. The only four words that seemed to be running through my mind at the time no matter how hard I tried to shake them. Four. Goddamned. Words.

But they were four words I would never forget.

"You slept with Sirius."

Her bottom lip trembled, a cringe settling into her expression as she stared shamefully at the floor. She didn't say anything immediately and as I stared at her scrounge up the guilt, I suddenly wanted to throw something at her or hex her. The shock was gone and now the only thing I felt was uncontrollable rage at the thought of my best friend and the girl I was in love with…

I couldn't even finish that thought, recoiling in utter disgust.

"I'm sorry, James," she said softly.

I finally snapped. "For what?" I barked. "For sleeping with my best friend or telling me just to spite me? I'm not sure which is worse."

The hurt was evident in her eyes as she slowly glared at me. "I don't know which is worse," she whispered hoarsely. "You making me believe you didn't love me or you telling me now it was all just a lie."

"Oh, no, you don't get to turn this around on me right now," I responded immediately. "Don't you dare try to sweep this under the goddamned rug!"

"I'm not," she whispered. "What happened was a stupid, drunken mistake that never should have happened and wouldn't have happened if an entire bottle of tequila wasn't involved. But I think we are both very well aware that what you did you're not dubbing a mistake. You would actually go back and do it again. You don't regret doing it for a single second, James, and that's why I get to turn this back on you. Because I had never intentionally hurt you. But you intentionally hurt me!"

"You're intentionally hurting me right now by telling me this!"

She cringed, hanging her head in shame. "James-"

"I came here to tell you the truth because I thought you deserved that. Why the hell did you choose to tell me the truth? Why now? Why?" I growled, my fists clenched in pure rage.

She said nothing at first, looking at me hesitantly before saying, "Neither one of us knows what the other deserves anymore."

My eyes narrowed. "What is that supposed to-"

"It means that you don't get to stand there and tell me that you love me so much that you'll always protect me when you didn't protect me from the heartbreak you forced upon me the moment you told me you didn't love me. You don't get to love me, James! Not anymore!"

"Is that what this is about?" I snapped. "You trying to give me a reason not to love you? Because I gotta say, it's definitely working!"

Her expression turned to shock. "You lost the right to love me the moment you told me you didn't," she spoke coolly. "You don't get to come back here months later and tell me you didn't mean a goddamned word of it when all I've been doing is agonizing about it for months.

"Stop turning this around on me!" I barked, the anger boiling up inside of me. "Fine, I get it, you're pissed at me, but now it's my turn to be pissed at you!"

Her lips pursed. "I've been pissed at you for three months," she drawled. "I've spent hours, days, cursing the ground you walk on. I've agonized over the end of our relationship and spend nights not able to fall asleep as I replayed your words over and over again. When you've lost three months worth of sleep because you're so angry and hurt, then you can come find me."

She whirled around, leaving me standing dumbfounded in the doorway, but I refused to let that be the last word. "And how the hell am I supposed to do that when you're leaving in two days!"

She froze but didn't turn around right away. I waited, praying she would turn around and say something. I couldn't just let that be the end. This couldn't be it.

Finally, she turned around to meet my desperate gaze. "Don't you get it?" she whispered, shaking her head. "This is exactly why I have to leave. I-I can't be around anymore as the two of us play some back and forth game filled with betrayal and self-destruction. I can't do this anymore."

My lips pursed. "You're the one that turned it into a game," I spoke coolly. "Or you wouldn't have told me about…" I trailed off, shuddering at the thought.

Her eyes blazed with hatred. "I turned it into a game? Were you not the one who lied to my face with the most hurtful thing you could have done and then days before I'm expected to leave, you tell me it was all a lie? Does that not sound like some destructive game to you!?"

"This coming from the girl who slept with my best friend!" I snapped. "You don't get to act like what I did was this terrible thing when what you did was worse!"

The hatred in her eyes was unmistakable. "We're going to have to agree to disagree on that one," she hissed coolly. "Now get the hell out of my apartment before I force-"

"When did it happen?"

Her eyes narrowed. "What?"

"When did you sleep with my best friend!?" I snarled.

She let out an exasperated cry. "James, does it matter-"

"OF COURSE IT FUCKING MATTERS!"

She winced, turning away from me with a hesitant frown. "The night you and I broke up," she murmured.

Scoffing, he glared at me in disgust. "Oh, nice to know it only took you a few hours to whore yourself off to my best-"

I wasn't surprised when that sentence was halted by a slap to the cheek.

"You bloody bastard," she barked, her eyes blazing with rage. "I wouldn't have been anywhere near Sirius that night if you hadn't just looked me in the eyes and told me that you didn't love me!"

"Oh, so now this is my fault?" I snarled, my voice getting increasingly louder with every word.

"I'm not saying it's anyone's fault! I'm simply pointing out that it was your cowardly actions that led to my drunken actions that night."

"Cowardly?" I responded coolly, my own eyes filling with anger. "You think it's cowardly of me to let go of the people I care so deeply about? No, it's about the bravest thing I've ever done. Because even though you were one of the only people getting me through the tough times, I also knew that the world deserved to know who you were. And they wouldn't get that chance if you were buried in a fucking morgue!"

"How completely macabre of you," she drawled sarcastically.

"Who the hell uses the word 'macabre' during an argument?" I muttered irritably.

She glared at me and I could see her fists clenching at her side. "Screw you, James," she scoffed in a deep, strangled voice. "Just leave me the hell alone, won't you? Just let me walk back into my bedroom and you can leave this apartment building so that we never have to see each other again. Let's this be it between us! Because as much as I gave you my heart for four years and thought you'd be the only person it would ever belong to, I will never be able to forgive you for what you did to me. Never! So just turn around and-"

"Well, I guess we're even because you sleeping with my best friend isn't exactly something that can be forgiven either!" I shouted. I had to cringe at even the thought of it. "So feel free to threaten me all you want but right now you're pretty much the last person I want to be around so the idea of never having to see you again sounds like a pretty damned good one right about now!"

"Fine by me!" she snapped, taking a step closer to me.

"Right back at you!" I yelled, stepping right into her face.

Neither of us made a move to leave, too busy glaring at each other and trying to force the other to walk away first, not wanting to back down. As if that meant we would win.

Win what, I would never know.

I couldn't walk away. I wanted to. I willed myself to turn around and never see her again. But I couldn't. My feet remained stationary as our eyes met with cautionary rejection. I could see in her expression that she didn't know how to just walk away either. We were two people who had fallen in love at a ripe age of eighteen and didn't know how to fall out of it no matter what mistakes and betrayals we had forced upon each other.

I wanted to hate her. Maybe a part of me did. But looking in her eyes, all I truly felt was unconditional heartbreak. I could see in the weariness of her emerald eyes that that was all that was left for her to feel as well.

Forcing myself to look away from her, I took a step back in jaded defeat. I didn't speak and neither did she, but I could feel her disappointed eyes on me the entire time. I couldn't look at her. Not yet. Not until I figured out what the hell I was supposed to say here.

I was at a loss for words. Speechless. Resentfully mute. I succumbed to the exhaustion in my mind, the achiness in my heart slowly setting into the rest of my body. Nothing even mattered anymore. The world was a gruesome place laced with betrayal and revulsion and overpowering rejection. That's all it was. There wasn't any good in it. Not me. Not even the girl I thought I would love through everything.

I knew I had hurt her first, but she slept with Sirius. I had tried to be noble. I had no other options. I had loved her when I broke her heart. But to sleep with Sirius? That was the last thing from love.

Eventually, I turned back to face her, looking her in the eyes as I spoke, the words barely audible. "How could you do that to me?" I whispered, my voice breaking. Just like my heart.

Her bottom lip trembled as she lifted her gaze to look at me. I could see she had been waiting for that question, her face filling with quiet consideration. But all she said was, "I'm sorry, James."

Those words were a dagger to my heart. "I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to tell me why you did it."

She said nothing at first, her eyes not straying from mine. The frustration in her eyes slowly settled into guilt. "We were drunk and stupid and I was heartbroken, James," she whispered. "That's all I've got."

Shaking my head, I had to turn away from her. The girl standing in front of me wasn't the girl I thought she was. Not at all. The girl standing in front of me wasn't the girl I loved. This girl was one I hated. And I knew I had to walk away. Because there was nothing left for us. "That's not enough," I muttered with a defeated sigh. "None of this is. You want this to be it between us, Lily? Fine, you got it. I'm done trying to make sense of this and I can tell you are, too." Offering her a last withering glance, one filled with heartbreak and resentment and pain, I turned around and headed towards the elevator with the expectation that I may never see her again.

"The guy I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life just told me he didn't love me anymore," she called out after me, her voice breaking. I hesitated but didn't turn around as she continued. "My entire world came crashing down around me. The way you feel right now is how I felt that night. It was…it was unbearable to say the least. I felt lost and empty and all I wanted was to feel something else. Anything else. So I thought it would be a really good idea to down an entire bottle of tequila by myself so as to forget that entire night. To forget me. You. Us. Everything. But unfortunately, James, that bottle of tequila and a stupid drunken act with Sirius will never make me forget the words you spoke to me that night. Never."

I still stood facing the elevator, not turning around as I digested her words slowly.

"I know you know what that feels like," she whispered behind me. "To never be able to forget. I know you feel that way right now. You're torn between hating me and not wanting anything to do with me. You're considering which drink of choice you will drown yourself with the moment you walk away from this. You're wondering what it is you could have possibly done to make the girl you love betray you in the worst way possible. You're angry and defeated at the same time. Your mind is reeling with treachery and confusion and the overwhelming desire to punch a wall. I know you know what it's like to feel as if the world is crushing everything inside of you into a dusty pit of nothing. I know, James. Because you did that to me! And I realize that I just did the same to you and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life, but the point is, I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't done what you did to me first. I wouldn't know what you're feeling right now if I hadn't gone through it myself. And that's something you'll have to live with for the rest of your life."

My plan was to argue with her yet again because I was prone to being defensive, but when I slowly turned around and looked into her eyes, I saw such betrayal staring back at me that for the first time since I told her I didn't love her, I realized just how much I had truly given up. I felt so unbelievably betrayed in that moment by her and my best friend, but she was right. This was probably the first time I could actually see how she felt from my lie. I had acted like I had known I had hurt her, and I had, but until this moment, I hadn't admitted how much pain I had truly caused her.

At the mere thought of my friend and the girl I loved sleeping together, my heart was constricting with sharp pains. My body was frozen with betrayal. I couldn't think or feel anything, too clouded by unwanted images floating in my mind. I have been feeling like that for ten minutes. But she had been feeling like that for nearly three months. And I did that.

I had let the best thing that ever happened to me go because I thought it was my only chance of protecting her. But that didn't change the fact that she had been the best thing to happen to me. She had been my everything. And me hers. She had been there for me through it all, through all the bad times that I wouldn't have been able to endure without her hand to squeeze. But I let go of that hand so she could fend for herself while I tried to do the same. I had to live with the fact that I let go of her. But what I may not be able to live with was the fact that I had lied directly to her face and destroyed the one person who had always had my back. And as I looked into her eyes, I could see the undeniable pain that rested within heartbreak, which told me that putting that emotion there was quite possibly the worst thing I could have ever done to her.

Believe me, I knew all about that now.

"I loved you, Lily," I said hollowly, as if that changed anything. "And all I wanted was for you to live the life you deserved. It…it killed me to admit that that life wasn't with me, but when I realized that, I did what I thought was best for you."

"It was with you," she whispered, her voice rough with desperation. "Just because you felt I deserved better didn't mean I wanted better. You were the one I fell in love with. Against all the odds in the world, you were the one for me. After six years of thinking that I hated you. Six years of you constantly chasing me and me rejecting you. Six years of us at each other's throats, I somehow still fell for you. You made that happen. You never gave up on me. Not once. Not when I was screaming and hexing you. Not when I was telling you I'd rather date the lake squid. Not when you were with Kristina and I told you to choose her. Not once did you ever give up on me. Until you dared to look me in the eye and tell me you stopped loving me. And in that moment, it wasn't just me you gave up on. You gave up on us. And you gave up on yourself. And the only reason you did that was to protect yourself, so don't tell me you did any of this for me."

I was about to respond when her last sentence caught me off-guard. "What? It…it was always about protecting you."

Her lips curled as it only ever did when she was trying to control her fiery temper. "Don't give me that. You're the one who let the fear get the better of you. You got caught up in this war. You pushed everyone away. You told me you didn't love me. You were so damned scared of having to deal with any more loss and deal with any more heartbreak and pain that you cut everyone you remotely cared about out of your damned life. Because if you didn't have anyone to care about then you wouldn't have to feel so sad and defeated all the damned time. This was a way of protecting your heart, not mine."

I opened my mouth to argue but found that the words wouldn't form. My breath hitched in my throat as I realized the severity of what she just said. While I could stand there and tell her that it was all for her, that was just a small piece of it. Losing Lily would have been unbearable for me. I wouldn't have been able to survive it. I couldn't live in a world where she no longer did. So instead of letting a murderous villain take her away, I let her go myself. So that if and when that time happened, I would have nothing to blame myself for. So that it would hurt less. So that losing her wouldn't be as heartbreaking as I was imagining it.

But I was an idiot for ever thinking that losing her would hurt less if she wasn't loving me anymore. Because I would always love her. Even now, even after finding out she slept with my best friend, a piece of me would always be head over heels in love with the girl I had first built up an adoration for eleven years earlier. I thought building a wall around my heart would make the pain that much easier to endure if and when it happened, but it just made me feel more lost and empty. The only person who had ever made me feel safe and whole was Lily. And I let her go as a backwards way of trying to ease the constant pain I felt every minute of every day.

What in Merlin's name was wrong with me?

And why the hell couldn't I have just listened to Sydny and Sirius and Remus and Keegan when they had told me the same thing? Why did I have to wait to hear it from Lily, the girl I hurt the most?

"I've…I've heard this all before," I spoke softly, shaking my head in defeat. "You and Sydny and Peter and Sirius and Remus and Keegan all have your own judgments on what I've done, and clearly I should have listened more when-"

"What did you say?" she whispered hoarsely, taking a hesitant step back as her eyes grew wide.

I blinked. Uh-oh, what did I say now?

"Sirius and Remus and Keegan...they…" she trailed off.

Oh, shit. I just sold out my friends.

"They knew?" she croaked out.

I let out a deep sigh. "Keegan only found out today," I muttered.

"And the others?" she snapped.

I could only cringe with guilt. "Don't be mad at them for my ultimate decision, Lily. They didn't know until after it occurred," I said softly. I hesitated. "Well, you can be mad at Sirius for all I care considering he's a lowlife-"

"I'm not blaming them for your lie," she interrupted, glaring at me. "I just can't believe that they…" she trailed off with a heavy sigh, the words not able to form. Eventually, she spoke, the words sounding so defeated, "You know what? It…it really doesn't matter anymore. All that I've ever known has been turned upside down. I'm glad now more than ever that I will be leaving this all behind."

My heart skipped a beat at the reminder she was leaving. When I looked up at her, I knew that this was it. We were at a standstill. I made a heartbreaking decision by lying to her in the worst way possible and she slept with my best friend. I could pretend as if we were even but we weren't. We would never be. Because those two acts, just two moments in a lifetime of decisions, were two things that we would never be able to forgive each other for. So she was right before. This was it. She was going to go back into her apartment and I was going to walk out of the building. And we probably wouldn't ever see each other again.

A slight part of me felt sudden depression over that thought. But that slight part of me was quickly ignored as the thought of my best friend and the girl I loved tangled in the sheets popped into my head.

I was beginning to think coming here today was a terrible idea.

"This is good-bye, isn't it," she eventually spoke.

I met her gaze, frowning. "I think it has to be," I murmured, wondering if we would ever be the same again.

She said nothing at first, digesting those words. "You started this, James," she said, the words coming out soft and raspy. "And now it's time for me to end it."

Those words alone nearly broke my heart all over again. Because she was right. I did start it. I started with a huge lie and now we are ending it with her act of betrayal. I wish I could say we may eventually come around full circle but we wouldn't. I could blame it on the lack of time but I knew that in the end, this is probably what we both needed. Just like Lily had said, this was good-bye. There was nothing else left we could do or say in that moment to resolve the large hippogriffs in the room. I could have said something, everything, to make her realize I never stopped caring about her even when she thought I had. But the truth of the matter was, as I looked at her all I saw was her in bed with Sirius. So I didn't say anything. Because I couldn't care for someone who could sleep with my best friend. Everything we had once had was shattered. And this time, it wasn't all my fault.

And what could she have said? She could apologize again for what happened between her and Sirius. She could say it hadn't ever been intentional and that all she had ever done was love me. She could have begged for a reason to actually stay. But in the end, she didn't want to stay. All she saw was me standing in front of her telling her I didn't love her and nearly three months later standing in front of her again telling her it was a lie. Indeed, everything we had once had was completely shattered. And those puzzle pieces would never fit back together again.

Maybe our jigsaw puzzle was meant to be shattered. Maybe this was both our chance to walk away and become better versions of ourselves. Maybe what we needed was a life without the other. She was leaving in two days to live her life on her own. Maybe it was time I realized I had to do the same.

That thought stung, but what other choice did we have?

"Good-bye, Lily," I whispered softly, my body trembling with the implication. My anger for her over what transpired between her and Sirius as starting to become blinded by the fact that I had loved her for eleven years. It had taken her a while to fall for me, but there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I had fallen for her as a naïve eleven-year-old. And now eleven years later, I didn't know what to think anymore. A part of me would probably always love her, but we were no longer the same people we had been when we were together. We were far from it actually. I was a guy who lied to a girl I had loved for eleven years and she was a girl who slept with my best friend. Everything had changed. And there was no going back.

She didn't respond immediately and I wondered if there was something else she wanted to say. Neededto say. I could see the words forming on her tongue but she held them back as she said instead, "Good-bye, James."

I found myself picking my feet up as I slowly stepped back away from her. There was just so much left unsaid between us but as I stared at her, I realized that none of it even mattered anymore. I hurt her and she hurt me. All that was left between was a world of pain. So I said nothing else. I simply turned around and headed down the hallway.

"James?"

I felt my heart flutter as I turned around, hoping she had something better to say than just good-bye. "Yeah?"

Her lips thinned hesitantly. "If you could go back and change things, would you?"

My heart nearly broke as I gazed into her tear-filled eyes. It was the one question I prayed she wouldn't ask me. The one question that I actually knew the answer to. An answer I knew she would hate. Because as much as I've realized that what I did wasn't all about her, I wouldn't have done it differently. At that moment in time, the only thing I had wanted and needed was some sort of reassurance that could have a better life than the one she would be forced to live with me. I didn't make a mistake. It was misguided and poorly planned. But it wasn't a mistake.

My bottom lip trembled. "Please don't ask me that, Lily," I whispered.

Her face fell and I swear I could hear her heart breaking all over again. "I guess I just got my answer."

And before I could say anything else, she was re-entering her apartment and closing the door behind her.

And for the first time I was very much aware that that quite possibly could have been the last time I ever laid eyes on Lily Evans.

And just like that, my heart broke all over again as well.

I couldn't be sure if it was because the last time I spoke to her was when she told me about her and Sirius or if it was because I never actually considered the possibility that there would be a last time between us, but whatever it was, I poured out on to the streets with a sense of hopelessness settling into my heart. Each step I took was heavier than the next. I had never felt so drained in my entire life. My thoughts weren't even working, my disparaging emotions wearily taking over.

Not once had I ever truly believed that there would be an end between me and Lily. Not once. Not at Hogwarts when I was pushing her away or she was pushing me away. Not when JT died and I headed into a slight depression. Not when we were attacked in the Ministry basement and I was so close to losing her. Not when she was targeted on New Year's Eve. Not even when I told her I didn't love her, shattering everything between us. Not when she was dating Shane. Not when she was attacked outside her apartment. Not when she was attacked inside her apartment. And not even when I was coming over here tonight to tell her the long-awaited truth.

It wasn't until she said those four words – four tiny words that were filled with a lifetime of betrayal – that the thought finally struck me that we were over.

We were over.

And in that moment – a moment where I should have been either filled with regret or anger or hurt or confusion or maybe a combination of all four – I began to gather my thoughts back. And suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt myself smile.

I smiled.

We were over. I could stop replaying the past couple of months in my mind. I could stop spending so much time on the what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens. I could stop putting so much of my heart into feeling fearful concern for her. I could stop believing it was our life and start believing in my own. I could stop feeling the burden of a thousand anvils weighing on my shoulders. I could stop acting like a boyfriend and start acting like an ex-boyfriend. I could stop loving her.

She slept with Sirius. There was nothing left for me to offer her.

We were over.

And for the first time in months, I actually felt free.


++LILY++

Everything inside of me unraveled the moment I shut the door. All that I had been holding in, the tears and the anger and the frustration and the regret and the betrayal, all of the questioning and the recognition of the horrible truth, all of the hurtful words and back-and-forth bickering, everything since the moment he stepped foot into my apartment rushed to my very core as I slid down the door to the ground in a heap of sobs. I couldn't pretend that I wasn't hurt or upset. I couldn't pretend I wasn't livid. I couldn't pretend that that conversation went in any direction I had been expecting. I couldn't pretend I would be okay. Because I could quite literally could feel my already broken heart shredding to painstaking pieces as I tried to remember what it was I had ever loved about James in the first place.

What kind of person could look his girlfriend in the eye and tell her he didn't love her when it wasn't true? Who does that?

The tears streamed down my face hysterically as I drew my knees close to my body, leaning myself up against the door as an attempt to steady myself. I thought I hit a lowpoint in regards to heartbreak when James told me he didn't love me anymore, but this was hitting me like a thousand jinxes to the heart and I was very well aware that the agony I felt at that moment was worse than anything I've ever felt in the past. Worse than James telling me he didn't love me, worse than finding out my parents died, worse than Petunia's abandonment. I sat hunched over on the wooden floor, bawling into my hands and wishing the floor would just open up and swallow me whole. And no matter how much I tried telling myself that James Potter wasn't worth crying over, the tears refused to stop falling. I buried my head in my hands as my half-assed way of trying to muffle the sounds of my sobs but it only made them sound even more strangled and enraged.

I was not surprised when I heard Keegan's footsteps only moments later.

I peeked my head out of my hands as I watched her join me on the floor, her eyes meeting mine with such compassion. "How could he do that to me?" I choked out, my bottom lip trembling uncontrollably. "He…how could he just lie to me like that? Make me think that…how could he do that to me?"

The overwhelming sympathy was evident in her eyes as she reached out to stroke my hair. "I don't know" was all she whispered.

Everything inside of me was suffocating with crippling pain. Knives were striking my heart. The Cruciatus Curse was taking over my every limb. I couldn't breathe, let alone think. My entire body was shaking with the feeling of complete betrayal and I wanted to believe that feeling could disappear, but I knew it never would. I tried swiping the tears away, hating the vulnerability that was emanating from every inch of my body, but they continued to fall from deep within my troubled emotions. "I told him about Sirius," I whispered, my heart constricting at the very thought.

Her eyes widened slightly. "Er...what?"

My bottom lip trembled uncontrollably as I recalled the conversation I just had. "He doesn't deserve my love anymore," I said softly, my voice shaking with despair. "But...but I also don't deserve his. He needed to know."

"Oh, Lily," she murmured.

"It's over," I spoke in a strangled whisper. "It's...it's really over."

There wasn't anything else to say as I fell against Keegan's arms and cried into her shoulder.


++KEEGAN++

As I watched Lily completely fall apart in my arms, it was very hard to ignore how much she reminded me of myself when I had found out about Tristan. So as I stroked her hair and held her tightly against me, a horrible thought prickled in the back of my mind that I desperately tried to ignore.

Dealing with Tristan's death was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. But I'd prefer that than dealing with the aftermath of knowing the love of your life looked you in the eye and lied straight to your face about not loving you.

It was in that horrible moment where my best friend was overcome with so much devastating agony that I realized it was time I said good-bye to my own past.


++SIRIUS++

If I had known what was going to happen, I would have run far, far away. Or I would have at least prepared myself with an attempt at words of sincere regret instead of stumbling over a bunch of skeptical excuses. Or maybe I would have just not woken up that morning. Any one of these would have been a better option. Instead, I had been completely blind-sided and as I watched it all unfold in front of me, I was struck with the realization that nothing would ever be the same again.

I was relaxing in the game room, and I remember trying desperately not to think about Keegan in that moment – where she was, what she was doing, what she was thinking – when I heard James come up behind me.

"Hey, James," I greeted, nodding towards the television. "Want to watch Ludo Bagman's nose smashed to pieces in slow motion?"

James grabbed the remote off the coffee table and hurled it at the television, shattering the remote control and putting a large nick in the television.

I jumped and yelped, turning to stare at him with astonishment written all over my face. "Er…you could have just said no."

"You slept with Lily!?"

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Bloody hell. No, no, no, no, no. "No! Well, yes. But it's not what you think!" I cried out desperately. "Damnit who the hell told you? Remus?"

"Remus knows, too?"

"Er…no?"

"SIRIUS!"

"What?" I asked innocently, cowering in my chair.

"'WHAT?'" James repeated heatedly. I can't remember a time I had seen him so angry. "Did you really just say 'what?'"

"Er…no?

"WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU, BLACK!?"

"I'm sorry!" I cried out desperately. "Dammit, James, I am so sorry for what happened and you have to know that! It was a long time ago and it was a horrible, stupid mistake that came about because we were both bloody wasted off a bottle of tequila. Neither one of us remember a goddamned thing from that night. It was a mistake, James. Hell, it wasn't even a mistake because that would mean we had the intention of making it and we didn't! It was just…it was stupid!"

"It's a hell of a lot more than just stupid!" James roared. "You slept with my girlfriend!"

"Er…ex-girlfriend at the time."

I ducked as a stinging jinx was hurled at my head. I wasn't surprised by that. "I'm sorry, James!" I whimpered, on the verge of a guilty breakdown. "I-I don't know what else to do or say except apologize over and over and over again. It never should have happened! It only ever did because you were the idiot who told her you didn't love her!"

"Oh, so it's my fault that you two slept together?"

"No, it's not your fault," I whispered. "Lily and I are adults and can take responsibility for our actions, no matter how stupid and drunken and horrible they might have been. But James, I swear to you on every Bible in the world that there is no way in hell that it would have happened if it weren't for what you said to her."

He frowned. "Yes, perhaps my decision that night wasn't the greatest, Sirius. But I didn't go off and sleep with my best friend's girl and keep it a secret for three months."

"James-"

"You're supposed to be my friend, Sirius. My best friend," he spoke, his voice choking up with pure dejection. "And you had to go and sleep with the only girl I ever loved. The only girl I probably ever will love. How could you do that? How could you keep something like that from me? And how could you now just act so blasé about it? How could you?"

"I'm not acting blasé. I-I just don't know what else to say or do," I whispered desperately. "You're my best friend in the entire world and I did the worst possible thing to you. I know that. I'm not an idiot. I'm not proud of what happened. I'm always going to be sorry for it. I will regret that moment for the rest of my life. I wish I could go back in time and change it. I never meant to hurt you in any way. And I know that-"

"Oh, screw you, Sirius!" he snarled, his irate eyes bearing a defeated hole through mine. "You don't get to say you never meant to hurt me because that is a load of bullshit and you know it. Of course you hurt me! You slept with Lily for Merlin's sake!"

"That doesn't mean I expected it or wanted it to happen!" I argued. "I don't even remember it happening. I don't know what was said or what was done that got to that moment. It was just a stupid, drunken mistake that never-"

"IT DOESEN'T MATTER THAT IT WAS A MISTAKE. IT MATTERS THAT IT HAPPENED AND IT'S OUT THERE AND IT CAN'T BE TAKEN BACK!"

I cringed, his voice cutting a hole through my heart. I didn't know what to say anymore. I didn't even know if there was anything to say. And I didn't blame him. I betrayed him in every way possible. What could I say to even remotely make that okay?

He continued, his voice cool as ice. "You've done some pretty shitty things in your life, Sirius. Not that any of us can't say the same. But I wasn't the one who nearly sent another boy to his death by way of my best friend. I wasn't the one who betrayed my best friend by telling her I wanted to be with her and then sleeping with my best friend's cousin only a few days later. I wasn't the one who manipulated every bloody barmaid in town into sleeping with me to fill the void of Riley's disappearance. I wasn't the one born a Black."

Excuse me?

"Do you realize that you're just like them?" he snarled, the rage in his voice and in his eyes unmistakable. "This family that you have tried to shun in every way will always haunt you whether you'd like to believe it or not. You may not want to admit it to yourself but I have no problem telling you that you're just like your family, Sirius. You make cold, callous decisions in the heat of the moment without even caring about the consequences. You've had a pretty decent life considering what you were given at birth and you've turned your back on that so many times that it's becoming second nature to you to hurt the people around you. To hurt the people who have only ever tried to help you make a name for yourself other than the unfortunate surname you have tried so desperately to shirk. Well maybe it's about time you realized you can't shirk it! It's a part of you! You are the biggest piece of shit I have ever met and what makes me so mad is that you pretend you aren't."

I wanted to scream back. I wanted to insult him like he was insulting me. I wanted to say or do anything to make him stop comparing me to my ex-family. But with every word he spoke it was like a dagger to my heart and I was finding it impossible to think of anything but his horrible words running through my mind.

I wasn't like them. I couldn't be like them. I knew what remorse was. They didn't.

I wasn't like them.

"When did this become about me and not about Lily?" I finally muttered, aware that my voice was shaking. "I've already said I was sorry and hell, I can say it numerous times if you want me to because you deserve to know how sorry I am but it seems like that's not enough for you. Do you want me to grovel at your feet or beg for forgiveness? Because I-"

"You're constantly apologizing for your bad actions, Sirius," James cut me off with a growl. "Maybe you should stop doing things to be sorry for. Did you ever consider that?"

I frowned. "I'm not perfect," I whispered, shaking my head. "I never said I was. I make mistakes. But at least I know how to apologize for them unlike my family you're so set on comparing me with."

"There's no comparison," James hissed. "You're one and the same. You clearly have no remorse for anything you do or you wouldn't keep doing it. You can sit there and claim you're sorry all you want but if you really were sorry, you'd stop doing shitty things! You do whatever the hell you want whenever the hell you want on your terms without even remotely bothering to think of what it might do to the people around you. As if we're not people with feelings but objects in this selfish, malicious game you call life. Your life. That's all you care about. It's all about how your decisions benefit you and only you."

"Oh really?" I snapped, quite stung by the fact that he was actively comparing me to cold-blooded murderers. "And how does sleeping with your ex-girlfriend benefit me exactly?"

"I don't know, Sirius. I don't bother trying to learn the mind of a bloody Death Eater."

The color drained from my face. I had never felt more betrayed by a human being in my entire life than I did in that moment. And maybe a part of me deserved it. Maybe he was just hurting me the way I had hurt him. The way he had hurt Lily. The way Lily had hurt him. Maybe I was just a part of this vicious cycle of betrayal, but I never wanted this. Any of it. I wanted to believe that we could all live happily ever after. I wanted to believe that everything one day would be okay again.

How wrong I was.

I knew that James would be angry if he ever found out what happened. I knew he would say things that would make me cringe. I knew he would insult me and make me feel worse than I already felt. But to tragically shatter the foundation of everything I had sworn to turn my back on by someone who I thought had always been there to understand how difficult that had been for me was something I had never once expected.

I could tell by the smugness in his slight smirk that he knew he had hit me where it would hurt the most and that had been his intention. And more than anything, that hurt the most.

"How dare you?" I spoke in a hurt whisper. "I know I hurt you, James. I know you're angry and upset and feeling betrayed. You have every right to feel that way. But to call me a Death Eater? Who the hell do you think you are?" I snarled, my voice rising with heated frustrated. "You want to talk about being selfish and malicious? You want to talk about doing something without caring about the consequences? You want to talk about not having remorse for the things that get done and said? Look in the goddamned mirror, James! I'm not the one so hurt that I'm willing to spew spiteful accusations at my best friend."

"'Best friend?'" James hissed, his teeth gritting together. "No, you're not my best friend. I don't even know who the hell you are."

"A Death Eater apparently?" I snapped, glaring at him.

He merely shrugged as if not to disagree.

I tried not to throttle him then and there. "I know I've made mistakes, James. Some which I will forever regret. And some I wish I could blame on my bad blood and let that be enough. But that's just a corrupt copout of an excuse. I can make my own decisions even if some of them have been seriously misguided. But you don't get to call me a Death Eater and you certainly don't have to remind me that I'm a Black, James. I'm reminded of that every goddamned day."

"Misguided?" he repeated in a repulsed sneer. "That's all you think this was? Some sort of pathetic misdirection?"

Glad to know he didn't bother listening to a word I had said. "I'm simply saying that I screwed up!"

"NO! This isn't just another one of your screw-ups, Sirius! This is the screw-up! You slept with Lily. Lily! Lily is…well, she's Lily! She's the girl I've been in love with since I was a naïve eleven-year-old boy who pretty much didn't know what to believe when it came to love. But she made me believe in it. She made me realize that love could conquer all. She helped me discover what falling in love and being loved could really mean. She was…she was my everything. And you knew that. You knew that, Sirius! You knew she was my entire world. And you destroyed it. You…you didn't just screw up. You completely massacred everything that had meant anything to me."

"You massacred that," I snapped before I could stop myself. "You were the one who broke her heart and for what? What did it do in the end, James? She was still targeted twice in the following two months! You lied to her, you deceived her, you manipulated her and now you're screaming at me because it's easier than admitting that you screwed up!"

"I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND!"

I had a feeling I was going to regret what was about to come out of my mouth, but I couldn't help myself. "Are you really that mad at me for what happened between me and Lily or are you more just mad at yourself for knowing it was your fault that it happened in the first place?"

"Get out of my house," James snarled almost immediately, the fire in his eyes blazing heatedly as he whirled around and headed towards the door without so much as another argument. "And don't bother coming back."

"James!" I cried out but he was already rushing down the corridor. I hurried out of my chair and chased after him. He was already heading up the stairwell to his bedroom. "James, don't walk away from this!"

He spun around at the top of the stairwell, staring down at me with a superior sense of dictatorship. "I'm not walking away from this. I'm walking away from you. For good," he spoke, his word like ice. "Now get out, Sirius. I mean it. You're no friend of mine and I really could not care less if I ever see or speak to you again. You are nothing to me, y'got that?"

Those words hit me like a knife in the gut. I had expected them if he were ever to find out what had happened. I had actually spent nights thinking about what James would do or say, but I had never considered he would take it this far. I deserved to be yelled at. I deserved to have James hate me. I deserved to be kicked out. I didn't deserve to be compared to my Voldemort-supporting, sadistic parents or a group of followers who bowed down to a murderous villain.

Right?

Frankly, I didn't even know what to believe anymore. I was human. I have made numerous mistakes in my life, all of which I wish I could take back. I wasn't one who didn't live a life of regrets. That wasn't me. I did have regrets. A lot of them actually. Betraying Riley when we first got together. Betraying Remus by pushing Snape towards him on the full moon. Running to Rachael seconds after Riley and I broke up the first time. Not telling Riley to stay when I had the chance. Sleeping with Lily.

I wasn't anywhere near perfect. I never believed that I was and I never let anyone else believe it either. But the greatest thing about James Potter had always been the fact that he accepted me for my huge, insecure flaws. He accepted me for me – Black and all.

But not anymore. Now he just accepted me for being a Death Eater apparently.

I wonder what would have happened if I had just let myself be thrown down the path that had been presumed chosen for me when I was born into the Black family. What would have happened if I had never had the chance to meet James or Remus or Peter? What would have happened to me if I had been sorted into Slytherin? Who would I be today? A calculated killer? A robot of a person who lacked heart and the ability to emote? A loveless creature of habit who found enjoyment from torturing Muggle souls? Would I have ended up like the Executioner living some sort of double life?

In the end, I wondered if perhaps that might have been easier. At least then it wouldn't hurt so much to watch your best friend cast you aside as if you meant nothing.

Maybe it was just easier being nothing to begin with.


++REMUS++

As I traipsed by Sirius' bedroom into my own late that night, I was caught off-guard by the empty space. My eyes narrowed curiously as I peeked into the room. Nothing was there. No furniture or boxes or even a poster on the wall. I blinked in confusion as I changed my plans to head into James' room instead.

I wandered towards the balcony when I saw that it was cracked open. I peeked out to see James bundled under a blanket with a bottle of firewhisky to his lips. No glass. Just the bottle.

"Er…did I miss the memo of Sirius moving out?"

I saw James' spine stiffen as his jaw grew tight. He didn't turn to look at me, taking another swig of firewhisky as he pondered his next words carefully. "Were you ever going to tell me, Lupin?" he growled, my surname not going unnoticed.

The coldness in his voice was hard to ignore. "Tell you what?" I asked, now thoroughly confused.

He finally turned to look at me and I had to take a step back in surprise. The vehement rage that rested in his eyes was unlike something I had ever seen before in him. He looked like a completely different person and I suddenly wondered what it is he possibly could have heard that might have made him this angry. "I'm beginning to wonder if I really have any friends," he snarled, taking another generous sip of firewhisky. "Because it seems like all mine are good for is betraying me."

"You mind filling me in, Prongs?" I asked shakily.

"Sirius and Lily, Lupin!" he shouted, glaring heatedly at me. "They slept together and you bloody well knew about it and said nothing!"

My body went numb and my face went white as his shouting words trailed through the vast sky. I felt a shiver run down my spine but I knew it wasn't from the cold. "Oh, James," I whispered for lack of anything better to say. "I had really hoped you'd never have to find out about that."

"Awesome, good to know you're totally fine with lying to me," he snapped, rushing off the bench to head back inside. He tried shoving past me, but I steered in front of him so as to block him. He glared up at me as he stumbled backwards. "Get out of my way, Lupin."

"You think I wanted to keep this from you?" I argued, refusing to step aside as I crossed my arms stubbornly. "I didn't. But I didn't have much of a choice, Prongs. I was not going to be the one to tell you quite possibly the worst news you might ever hear in your life. Which is saying a lot considering the tragedies you've had to endure. But the worst kind of pain is a broken heart, Prongs, and I think we are both very well aware of that. So I kept it from you. Because I never wanted you to have to feel the kind of pain I can only imagine you're going through right now. And I never wanted to be the one to provide you with the news that would cause it."

His frantic eyes were telling me he was debating just charging at me and hoping I went down. I prayed he didn't try that because he was by far stronger than I was and he could probably kill me if given the chance. He eventually took a step back, glancing back up at me. "Right, because finding out two months later from the girl I'm in love with is a lot less painful," he spoke sarcastically, the words coming out so strained.

"I didn't say that," I said softly.

"Yeah, apparently you don't say much at all," he sneered. "Now do you mind stepping aside? I've got to find me some more firewhisky."

"Is that why Sirius' room is empty? He moved out?"

"I kicked him out," James snapped. "Of my house and of my life. Seriously, can you move?"

I frowned, a pit of remorse filling my stomach. "James," I said softly and I had a feeling that after what I was about to say, James would consider bulldozing me, "He's your best friend."

The glare on James' face turned deathly. "My best friend? He slept with Lily, Moony. What kind of best friend does that?" he snarled. "No,Sirius Black is no friend of mine, and I swear to Merlin if you don't get the hell out of my way I can guarantee you will be added to that list!"

"I'm not going to let you just drink your problems away, Potter," I retaliated, shooting him a look. "I realize that this can't be easy for you but, and I hate to mention it, did it ever occur to you that all of this could have been avoided if you hadn't stupidly broken up with the girl you've been in love with since you were-"

"Bloody hell, what is with all of you? It is not my damned fault that my bloody best friend and my ex-girlfriend hopped into bed together!"

"I know," I said softly, cringing. "I…I can't even imagine what you're going through right now."

He shot me a withering look. "Don't imagine it," he murmured, shaking his head in defeat. "I guarantee it won't be pretty."

I cringed, not wanting to even consider what was running through James' mind. "Oh, Prongs," I murmured apologetically, shaking my head. "I…I wish there was something I could say to make this feel less painful."

"You can't," he croaked, shaking his head as his bottom lip began to tremble. "You…you just can't."

So I said nothing because I knew deep in my heart that all James wanted was to be told it was all a lie – that his best friend and the girl he loved never slept together, but I couldn't give that to him. So there really was nothing for me to say.

He turned around and sat back down on the bench. There was such angst in his eyes, I couldn't bear to look. Letting out my own sign of sympathy, I wandered out on to the balcony and rested my arms against the balcony, finding no comfort in the dark of the night blanketing across the horizon.

I was desperate for a reason to keep Sirius and James together. Because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to live in a life where James Potter and Sirius Black weren't best friends. I had always been jealous of their close bond. I knew that I could have had the same if I had tried hard enough but I have always kept myself at a slight distance from the people in my life because of what I was. And James and Sirius just seemed to fit so well together. They had a brotherhood that everyone always strove to have but people rarely ever found. I relied on their friendship more than I ever realized because they made me believe in the raw integrity behind true friendship. I couldn't imagine what could happen to the rest of us if those two could be so easily split up.

"Did I ever tell you that I almost slept with Kay?"

The words were out of my mouth before I could even stop them.

James froze, glancing up at me. "Excuse me?"

I sighed, chewing hesitantly on the inside of my lip as I contemplated my next words. "It was the night that she and Lance broke up," I muttered, turning to look at him. "She was completely heartbroken and we had a lot to drink. Before I knew it, we were snogging and things would have gotten a lot more heated if I hadn't stopped it. Extreme heartbreak is incredibly difficult to go through, James. And sometimes we all just need a distraction from the bullshit we have to deal with. Lily and Sirius' distraction was the wrong one in every way but it was never intentional. And I know you know that."

"Almost."

I blinked. "What?"

"You almost slept with her," he snapped, his eyes narrowing with rage. "Sirius and Lily actually slept together! I don't give a shit why they did it or how it happened, the fact is that it happened! It's completely unforgivable!"

"James-"

"Don't," he snarled. "I don't want you to even attempt to justify what they did."

"I'm not," I argued hastily. "I'm just trying to give you perspective."

"There is no perspective," he spoke coolly. "Sirius slept with Lily. That's it. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. He's the biggest jackass on the planet and she isn't the girl I fell in love with. They're two completely different people and I'm better off without them."

I frowned. "Do you really believe that?"

His forehead creased as he slumped down on the bench. "I have to," he whispered.

I sighed. I had nothing left to give. No matter what I could possibly say, James was going to hold on to his anger and vengeance. And hell, I didn't blame him. I had expected this. I knew it would be nearly impossible for them to get past this. I just prayed that one day they could.

"James," I pleaded, "Don't let them go just because you're angry at yourself for getting to this dark place you're in today. They deserve better than that. And frankly, so do you."

"I'm in a dark place because of them!"

"No," I sighed, shaking my head. "You're in a dark place because you finally told the truth to the girl you're madly in love with and you were hoping that that would somehow exonerate what you did and she would just drop everything to take you back. Except I think we both knew that that was never going to happen."

He frowned, facing back out towards the yard with a defeated sigh. "I screwed up, Moony," he said softly. "But I screwed up with honorable intentions. Sirius and Lily? There was nothing honorable about that."

"You screwed up because you were just trying to protect yourself from getting any more hurt than you've already been, James. That's not honorable intentions. That's what we call selfish. You let your fear run your life and now you're dealing with the aftermath of it. Do I think dealing with what happened between Sirius and Lily should be included in that aftermath? No. But you can't run and hide from this just because you're hating yourself right now."

"I'm not hating myself, I'm hating them!" he scoffed.

I shot him a look.

He slumped down. "Alright, I'm hating myself a little bit," he muttered. "But mostly them."

I couldn't help but a crack a smile. "You're allowed to hate them a little bit, James. That is certainly justified."

He blinked, drawing his knees up to his body. "Is it weird that I really only hate him and not her as much as I keep thinking I should?"

"No, that's not weird," I responded almost immediately. "You were in love with her for four years. Hell, for eleven years really. And it's really hard hating someone that your heart hasn't been able to let go of yet."

Burden flickered in his eyes. He didn't reply right away but I could see the words hesitantly forming on his tongue. He kept quiet, however, so I ventured on.

"James," I said hesitantly.

"What?" he murmured.

"Can I ask you something that you might hate me for?"

James frowned. "Why the hell not? I already hate everyone else. I might as well add you to that list."

I sighed, wondering if my next words very well may add me to that list. "You have every right to be angry and to be upset. But I have to know, are you feeling that way partly because for the last couple of months you've continued to love Lily from afar just to find out that maybe she isn't the same pure-hearted girl you once fell in love with?"

He froze slightly before I watched his shoulders sag in complete defeat. "I-I loved her so much I was willing to give her up," he said softly. "And what does she do? She turns around and sleeps with my best friend."

"James-"

"And yes, fine, if I hadn't given her up then it probably wouldn't have happened. But at this point, all we can do is look at the facts. And the fact is, the two of them slept together."

"Yes, but if you-"

"So yes, I'm feeling angry and upset, Moony. But what I'm feeling more is just pure disappointment. I'm disappointed in her. I'm disappointed in him. But mostly I'm disappointed in myself," he spoke softly. "Disappointed that I had hurt her so badly that she felt that the only way of making herself feel better was to sleep with someone she never would have in a million years if I hadn't just told her I didn't love her."

I was surprised he admitted to taking partial blame for what happened. When I glanced over at him, I saw that the anger that had been built up inside of him was now just reduced to eminent regret. I had a feeling that it would take a long time for James to not only forgive and forget what had occurred between Sirius and Lily but to forgive and forget himself for the events leading up to it. "Do you still think you did the right thing?" I blurted out.

He barely acknowledged the question, blinking once as he continued to set his eyes out on the grass below. "I don't know, Moony," he said softly. "In the spirit of selfishness, I wasn't supposed to get hurt in all of this. I just-"

"Yet she was?"

He shot me a look. "No. No one was supposed to get hurt. It was just supposed-"

"Prongs, you are not that naïve to truly believe that Lily wouldn't get hurt in all of this. You told her you didn't love her, mate! Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine what she went through in that moment. Can you honestly tell me that you wouldn't be hurt if she just said out of the blue that she didn't love you anymore?"

"I don't have to imagine it – I lived it," he said softly, his bottom lip trembling. "She told me today she didn't love me anymore. And while I haven't given her a single reason over the past few months to love me, it still broke my heart."

I winced at the unfortunate notion, hesitantly joining James on the bench as we both stared off into the distance. I wondered how it was that we ended up here. Misery may love company but this company certainly didn't love misery back. Everything was becoming just so damned muddled and I longed for the days where we could just lounge around the Hogwarts grounds goofing off without a fearful thought of the future. It was easy living life back then. We had had it all. Now, I wasn't so sure what we had except for an array of broken hearts.

I glanced over at James hesitantly. "Are you still in love with her, James?" I blurted out.

He blinked. "She slept with Sirius."

I sighed. "You didn't answer the question."

He didn't answer but he didn't have to. The pain in his eyes told me that he not only still loved her but that there was a good chance he might never not love her. But I could also see that loving her didn't mean forgiving her in any way. And that meant letting her go for good.

"It would hurt a lot less if I wasn't still in love with her," he eventually whispered.

I hesitated. "Would it, though?"

Once again, he said nothing.

"You will move on, Prongs," I said softly. "Maybe not today or tomorrow or even next month. But one day you will wake up where she won't be the first thing on your mind."

His eyes filled with even more regret if that could even be possible as he slowly turned to look at me. "When did that day come for you?"

I frowned, really wishing he hadn't asked me that. "It hasn't," I muttered. "But I have a good feeling about tomorrow." I flashed him a teasing smile.

He didn't smile back. "She's really leaving," he whispered.

"Yeah," I said softly. "So what are you going to do about it?"

He blinked as he contemplated the heaviness behind what I could only imagine was a very difficult question. My gaze didn't stray from him as I wondered what might be running through his head. Remorse. Guilt. Shame. Hurt. Anger. Confusion. I couldn't even begin to understand the heartbreak that he was going through nor did I particularly want to. I knew that every part of him wanted to just let her go. Let that be it. Move on. But I also knew that he still loved her. And that would always give him just a second of pause at the idea of losing her forever.

He eventually turned to look at me, his typical hard gaze staring back to me. "Nothing, Moony," he responded coolly. "I'm going to do nothing."

I frowned. "Is that what you really want, James?"

"What I want is to forget the fact that my best friend and the girl I'm still in love with had sex together."

I had a good feeling he was never really going to be able to forget that. "And you're okay with losing her in the meantime?" I asked softly.

James slowly turned to look at me. He didn't say anything immediately but I saw the defeat in his eyes and wasn't surprised when he finally whispered, "I already lost her, Moony. It's about time I accepted that."

And whose fault was that? "Not necessar-"

He cut me off. "I'm going to get a beer. You want one?"

Before I could even answer, he was slipping past me and heading back inside.

I knew that James Potter would one day regret not trying to stop Lily but there wasn't much I could do to convince him of that. So I chose not to go after him. Considering I was one of the few people James was still talking to, I was inclined not to screw it up. I could say it was for his sake, but selfishly I didn't want to lose anyone else as everyone else apparently was. I could claim I am a strong, independent person but deep down I knew that there was no way I could be where I was today without the help of my friends. They molded me into the person I was today and I wasn't going to willingly lose them if I had a chance to hang on.

I just wish James would recognize that he could hang on to Lily, even Sirius, if he so desired. And he might claim he didn't want to, but I knew that was probably the biggest lie he ever told.

Which was saying a lot considering he once told Lily he didn't love her anymore.


++SIRIUS++

Every other minute I was conflicted with a new emotion. In one moment I was angry at James for ever having the audacity to call me a Death Eater. Then I was heartbroken that he had just ended our friendship. Then I was guilty for the fact that he had to find out about what occurred between myself and Lily. And when I wasn't thinking about James or Lily, I was thinking about Riley or Keegan. I had laid my heart out on the line the best I could to Keegan and I hadn't heard a peep from her since. Riley and I had parted ways but after all that had happened since then, I wondered what it would have been like to just beg her to take me back. At least with her, I knew what I was getting myself into. I had no idea where to even begin with the rest of the people in my life.

I was able to rent back my old apartment in Lily and Keegan's building but this time, I was virtually on my own in terms of moving in. But to be fair, I hadn't asked anyone for any help. I was too depressed to be around other people right now.

As I was traipsing a box into my apartment, the door across the hall swiveled open and I was suddenly standing face-to-face with Lily. She glanced at me and then at the apartment, clearly putting two-and-two together. But she didn't say anything.

"So, you want to inform me what was going through your head when you decided to tell James about our mistaken encounter?" I questioned curiously.

She didn't respond, her eyes blinking with irritation. Without another word or even as much as a gesture towards me, she started down the hallway.

Which completely threw me for a loop. "Lily, wait, I'm sor-"

"No," she snapped in a low growl, turning around to glare at me. "I will not wait for you, Sirius Black. I will do nothing for you ever again."

What? "Excuse me?"

"You have the audacity to be mad at me for being a bad friend when you might possibly take the cake on the worst friend in the world award?" she continued, the anger blazing in both her eyes and voice.

Alright now I was really confused. "Lily-bean, what the-"

"Don't call me that."

I blinked. "Alright," I said cautiously. "Lily, what are you talking about?"

It was then that I noticed the tears pooling in her eyelids even though she tried desperately blinking them away. "For two months you watched me crumble," she whispered hoarsely. "For two months you heard me ask why James fell out of love for me. You heard me ask what I possibly could have done to deserve that. For two months you saw me fall apart at the mere mention of him. For two months you watched me wonder how it was he could buy me an engagement ring one month just to fall out of love with me in the next month. And for two months you lied to my face."

"What?"

"How could you let him do that to me?" she spoke, her voice strained with raw emotion. "How could you just let him deceive me the way he did? How could you let him lie to me? Without even trying to stop it? How could you do that to me?"

It was beginning to dawn on me that James had finally told Lily the truth. And in the process, he had apparently dragged me down with him. "It wasn't my place to stop him," I said softly.

"It was your place as my friend!" she roared, her voice reverberating off the walls. "Don't you see, Sirius? This is why I avoided you when it all first happened! This is precisely why I wanted to distance myself from you! So that you didn't have to choose between him and me! This is why I should have cast you aside from the bloody beginning! And now? Now I have to live with the fact that you lied to my face for two whole months. Why couldn't you have just left me alone?"

"Because I care too much about you to watch-"

"Don't you dare," she snarled. "You lied to me for two months straight and now you're lying to me again. You didn't care about me. You didn't care about me at all. Because if you truly did you wouldn't have lied to me-"

"I didn't lie," I argued desperately. "I-I just didn't tell you the whole truth."

She glared at me. "The fact that you don't realize they're one and the same makes me think you're the biggest asshole on the entire planet."

I frowned, placing the box in my hand down on to the floor. I turned to look at her, wishing I could start that day all over. "What was I supposed to do?" I whispered pleadingly.

"Tell me the truth!"

Her voice reverberated off the apartment walls. "I wanted to," I whispered. "So many times."

"But you didn't," she spoke coolly. "Instead, you let James Potter be the piece of shit he really is and get away with the cruelest thing anyone could ever do to a girlfriend. And what's worse is that you actually let me continue to be in love with that piece of shit!"

"Lily-"

"I wouldn't have spent endless nights crying over him! I wouldn't have let my thoughts consume of him nearly every second of every day! I wouldn't have spent hours wondering what I did or said that made me so unlovable! I wouldn't have pined after a guy who didn't deserve it!"

"Lily-"

"Don't," she snarled, her fists clenching tightly at her side. "Don't bother saying anything, Sirius, because I guarantee whatever the hell you have to say, I have absolutely no desire to hear."

I closed my mouth at her request, knowing that I had no decent argument or contention. She was right. I watched her fall apart in front of my very eyes and I didn't bother giving her any sort of reason to pick herself back up again even though I had that information at my disposal. But I had been stuck between a rock and a hard place with no real way out. What was I supposed to do?

"Why did you tell James about what happened between us?" I blurted out.

Her glare gave way to confusion. "What?"

I shrugged. "Why did you do it? You're pissed at me for keeping an unfortunate secret for you for nearly three months, but how is that different from what I did for James?"

Her eyes grew with shock. "Wow," she muttered coolly. "Are you seriously comparing the two?"

"I-I don't know," I sighed sincerely. "I just know that with your truth, you dragged me down with you, Lily, and I don't even think you realize it. And with his truth, he did the same. So tell me, why wouldn't I compare them at least a little bit?"

Her bottom lip trembled with nothing but desolation. "Go to hell, Sirius," she spat out in a hurt whisper, whirling around and heading back down the hallway.

"I think you still love him," I called out after her. "And I think he still loves you. And in the end you both just needed a reason to walk away."

She froze at the end of the hallway, slowly turning around.

"You think that's why he told me the truth?" she spoke breathlessly, her eyes glazed with spite. "To give me even more reason to flee to the States?"

"No," I argued, shaking my head. "I think he told you the truth because he couldn't imagine letting you go without you knowing he still loved you. And I think that the reason you told him the truth was so that he would let you go."

Her expression turned cautious as she slowly met my gaze. "I-I didn't mean to drag you down with me," she whispered softly.

Which basically meant yes, she needed to give him a reason to let her go. She was so clearly tired of him swooping in at the last minute. Just when she had a slight sense that everything could be okay, he showed up to make her feel worse than she already felt. She was drained. Just like I was. Just like James was. I didn't blame her for saying the only thing that could make him walk away for good. She so desperately needed it and considering I had recently cut my own ties with Riley, I knew how good that could feel. So I couldn't blame her. I wanted to. But I couldn't.

I shrugged. "I know you had to do it," I urged.

Glancing at her, I could tell there was still a weight resting on her shoulders. And when she continued, I knew why. "Maybe he's not the only one I need to say good-bye to," she whispered.

I blinked, cocking my head to the side in slight panic. "Lily-"

"He's always going to be your best friend," she murmured. "Even now when…well, I don't know exactly what happened between you, but since you're moving back into your old apartment, I can only guess."

"You're my friend, too, Lily-bean."

"Don't call me that," she pleaded, shutting her eyes desperately. "I know we were friends."

Past tense.

"But he's always going to come first to you," she muttered. "I-I get it. When it came down to it, you were caught between two people you cared deeply about and you chose the person you care more about. You had to. You've been his best friend for eleven years. You chose him over me. And you'd do it all over again.

My heart sunk. "You really think that's what this is about? Choosing sides?"

"I know it is."

I blinked, trying to figure out where everything had gone so terribly wrong that had my best friend shunning me and my other one ready to do the same. "You're like a sister to me, Lily," I said softly. "The sister I never thought I wanted until you came along. You've pestered me, you've hounded me, you've scolded me, you've insulted me and there were times I had hated you for it. But you made me a better person because of it. You made me feel like I mattered and all I have ever done was try to do the same for you. I never wanted to hurt you just like you had never wanted to hurt me. We've made mistakes, but we have always found a way back to each other because that's what friends do. We make mistakes and we forgive each other. If you ask me, we've been pretty good at that lately."

"So you're saying it was a mistake?"

"What?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Keeping me in the dark. You're saying it was a mistake?"

I froze guiltily. "Lily-bean…"

"Stop calling me that," she pleaded.

"I'm saying that I never meant to hurt you," I whispered. "A part of me was just trying to protect you from the horrible truth-"

"Bloody hell, I am so sick and tired of people using that as some sort of backwards excuse," she snarled, the sadness in her eyes suddenly turning vehement. "It seems like whenever someone tries to protect me, I'm the one who ends up getting hurt! Face it, Sirius. The only person you were trying to protect was James, because over everyone else in this fucked-up world, he's the only person whose back you've ever truly have."

I could tell I was boarding a sinking ship. No matter what I could try to say, she was going to come back with an argument. Lily was always quite skilled at defending herself and frankly, I had already said all I could really say. "Has James been my best friend for eleven years? Yes," I murmured. "But have you been my best friend for four? Yes. And it really sucks that you seem to want to discount that."

"Can you blame me?" she hissed. "You may not think of it as betrayal, Sirius, but the moment James informed you why he did what he did and you kept your mouth shut about it, you chose his side. And we both know that you would do it again."

I opened my mouth to argue but I couldn't, because she was right. "Lily…"

She shook her head in utter despair. "It is what it is," she scoffed, her eyes growing grim. "I had a feeling that this would happen so let's just call a spade a spade. You've been his friend for far longer than you've been mine. I'm not mad at you for taking his side. What I'm pissed off about is that you had the audacity to tell me you felt betrayed by me when I turned my back on our friendship when it was you that turned your back on me first!"

I hated that that actually made sense. "Lily-bean, please-"

"Don't call me that!"

Fuck, was she mad. The raw disappointment in her tone caught me off-guard. She had been hurt by what James did obviously, but in a way she was more hurt by the fact that I stood by and watched her fall apart and did nothing to stop it. James did what he felt he had to do to protect her and considering how much Lily loved him, I had to believe a part of her understood that even if she didn't accept his reasoning behind it. But there wasn't a remote part of her that understood how I could watch her crumble in front of my very eyes for nearly three months and let it happen without giving her the explanation that could have set her free.

And I wish I could stand there and tell her differently, but the truth was, I had never once even considered the possibility of telling Lily the truth. I had never agreed with the twisted logic behind James' unexpected decision but I couldn't pretend that I didn't understand why he felt so compelled to do it. So that's what I told her.

"Lily, I hate what James did to you," I whispered, "but I can't stand here and tell you that I don't understand a little of why he did it."

"Oh, come off it. His reasons for doing it were purely selfish," she snapped.

I shook my head with a sigh. "You have to understand that there are some people in your life who you would literally die for and there are others you would do everything in your power to do so that you never, ever had to be in a situation where you had to die for them. People whose lives are more important than your own happiness. For James, that person has always been you. He was miserable without you but deep down, he was okay with that. He has to live with his decision for the rest of his life but somewhere in the past four years, his life slowly didn't become his to live anymore. It was yours. And he could live with whatever illogical decisions he has made as long as they kept you alive and safe. You mean that much to him."

She didn't say anything, though I could slowly see the rage fading into defeat. "He used to be that for me," she whispered.

"I think he still is," I responded softly.

She blinked in bewilderment. "I never would have gone about it the way he did."

"You don't know what you would have done in his shoes," I argued.

She glared at me. "I know that I never would have had the audacity to tell him I stopped loving him as some sick, twisted way of protecting him!"

"Then what would you have done? If you had been the one Voldemort was trying to get to by going through James? If you knew that being with him was putting a target on his back, what would you have done?"

"I would have talked to him!"

"Would you have? Or would you have done everything in your power to make sure he was safe?"

She opened her mouth to strike back, but the words never came.

"All he ever did was love you," I murmured.

"No, all he ever did was hurt me," she whispered, the tears glistening in her emerald eyes. "And that's what you and Remus and Peter did, too. Why should I be surprised? Don't the Marauders always do everything together?"

"Oh, c'mon, that's not fair," I argued.

"Nothing about this is fair!" she snapped, the anger filling her expression once again. "He lied to me, Sirius! He lied to me for months. When he was avoiding me and becoming distant before we broke up. When he told me he didn't love me. When he said nothing to me over the past few months while he sat idly by watching me fall apart. He lied to me. So maybe he thought he was loving me but he had a pretty shitty way of showing it. And now, I just…I want to leave and never look back."

My heart sank at the severity of that statement. "Lily-bean, please-"

"Will you quit calling me that!?"

I instinctively ran my fingers through my tangled tresses nervously. "I-I don't know what else to say here."

"There's nothing to say," she said, the words coming out far more wearily than I had expected.

I frowned, needing to believe that wasn't true. "I-I never meant to hurt you," I spoke, realizing how hollow those words actually sounded. "And I'm sorry if you ever felt that I had."

She frowned uneasily, slowly reaching her hand up to play with a strand of stray hair. "If you could go back in time, would you tell me the truth?" she asked softly.

No.

I knew my expression turned desperate. "You already know the answer to that question or you wouldn't have asked it," I spoke in a strained whisper.

Her bottom lip trembled at the unspoken truth. "How can you stand there and tell me that you never meant to hurt me in one minute and in the next allude to the fact you would do it all over again?"

"Because it was James' decision," I whispered in a frenzied tone. "Even if I didn't agree with it, it wasn't my truth to tell."

"Maybe it wasn't your decision to break up with me but it was your decision to live with the lie behind it," she argued, shaking her head in pure disappointment. "And that's just as unforgivable as what James did."

I honestly wasn't aware that I could feel as helpless as I did in that moment. One look in her eyes told me there was nothing I could do or say to change her mind about me. And what really sucked was that I didn't have any time to try to change her mind as she was leaving in exactly two days. "I know this isn't going to change anything but for what it's worth," I said softly. "I'm really sorry."

She frowned. "That's not worth much, Black."

I knew that but I also knew that I really was sorry. Maybe not sorry for what she wanted me to be sorry for, but I was certainly sorry that she had gotten so hurt in the end. I wish I could say that I would go back and tell her everything, but I don't think I would. It was James' issue. It had been his decision. I couldn't get involved when I never really knew what was going through his mind. He was the one who hurt Lily. He was the one who had to explain why.

Or maybe that was just my way of attempting to justify my own silence.

I could see she was waiting for me to say something but there wasn't much for me to say. I opened my mouth in search of comforting words but they never came.

It was evident in her eyes that that was what disappointed her most. "I hope you know that I'm sorry, too, Sirius," she spoke, the words sounding so agonized.

"You don't have to be," I argued pleadingly, trying to tell her without asking outright to not give me up.

She slowly met my gaze, neither of us speaking as the heavy tension continued to arise between us. I saw such sadness and regret staring back at me, emotions that were uncharacteristic of Lily as she had always been so good at putting a smile on her face even in the face of tragedy and grief.

"Yeah," she eventually said, tearing her eyes away from me. "I do. I'm leaving on Sunday. And I told myself that had to mean leaving behind all of the things that led to my broken heart. It's the only way I'll ever be able to heal. I never thought that would include you, Sirius. But it has."

"Lily-bean-"

"I'm sorry," she interrupted, shaking her head. "You did what you thought you had to do. I have to now do the same."

Without another glance, the whirled around and walked away from me.

I could have called out after her. I should have. I wanted to. But all I felt in that moment was overwhelming defeat and there was nothing I could do or say that would have made Lily forgive and forget. So I did the only thing that I was seemingly good at that week.

I let her go.


++KEEGAN++

I considered not answering the door that night when I heard a soft knock against it. The way my life had been going, it was probably better just to avoid the world and everybody in it.

When I opened it to see a distraught Sirius standing there, I really wished I had listened to my gut. "Yeah?" I said coolly.

He blinked, taking a cautious step back. "I-I know I said I would wait for you to come to me but this day has been horrendous in every aspect of the word and I was just really hoping you might be up for a lot of drinks at Blarney's."

The initial distraught I saw in him was just a mere shadow of truth as I looked closer at him. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, his eyes void of any feeling as the words mechanically fell from his lips. It tugged at my heartstrings as my instinct was to reach out and embrace him. But Lily's words from the night before suddenly hit me hauntingly and I remained stoic. "Why don't you go drink tequila with Lily since apparently that's what you do best?"

He blinked and I could practically see the disappointment radiating off of him. "Excuse me?"

"Did you or did you not sleep with her?"

The realization settled into his expression as his face slowly turned white. "Did she tell the entire city?" he mumbled in defeat.

"I'm not the entire city, Black."

He swallowed hard. "I'm beginning to realize that holding anything in is apparently some sort of crime."

"I'm not saying it's a crime, Sirius," I said coolly. "I'm saying it's deceitful. One minute you're telling me that…that you have some sort of feelings for me and then I come to find out that the same night you and I slept together for the first time you went off and fucked your best friend's girlfriend! How is that supposed to make me feel?"

"It's not supposed to make you feel anything because frankly, it meant nothing. I-"

"You're right," I interrupted, glaring at him. "You and I meant nothing."

"That's not what I was referring-"

"It's what I'm referring to."

He sighed. "What happened between you and me has no relation to what happened-"

"How can you possibly say that when it all occurred on the same bloody night?"

"Do you want to keep interrupting me or do you want to give me the opportunity to explain?"

"I don't need your explanations, Sirius. It's very clear to me that you're the same guy you always were, merely chasing after your accessible conquests as a way to make your miserable life a little more bearable."

I knew it was a slap in the face but I was so angry at him for making me ever think that his feelings were real. They were never real. Relationships were merely a game to him. They always have been. And I was done playing our game.

"Conquests?" he repeated dryly. "If you recall, you were the one who came knocking on my door. You were the one who kissed me first, not the other way around. You were never a conquest to me, Keegan. Apparently I was just one to you."

"Don't turn this around on me," I snapped irritably. "Yes, I may have started our little tryst but you were the one who asked me out first when that had never been the plan!"

"Plans change, Keegan!" he replied desperately.

"But they shouldn't have," I whispered, shaking my head. "Things were going just fine before you went and fucked it all up. We wouldn't even be having this conversation if we just continued what we had initially started. We wouldn't be here if we had just let each other mean nothing to one another! But suddenly in walks Riley and suddenly you're feeling all nostalgic and shit."

"Nostalgic?" he snorted. "Me asking you out was all because of nostalgia, was it?"

"Yeah, Sirius, it was," I snapped. "A blast from the past forces you to remember what you used to have with her and instead of bothering to talk to her about it, you come looking for me. So what the hell would you call it?"

"Unrelated," he said bluntly.

I shot him a look filled with far too much irritation. "It happened then and it happened last night," I continued, shaking my head. "Stop trying to displace everything you've ever felt towards Riley on me because I'm no longer interested in being a pawn in your bullshit relationship games. Leave me out of it from now on, alright?"

His eyebrows shot upwards in surprise. "Wow. You really think that anything I've felt towards you is all because of her?"

"The timing says it all, Sirius," I sighed, shrugging.

"You and I started fooling around far before she came into the picture."

I couldn't help but laugh, shaking my head in disbelief. "No, she was always in the picture. We started fooling around because you told me private things about Riley and I told you private things about Tristan. They were always there. It was never about me about you."

A pensive look crossed his expression. "Hm, you think I would have remembered having a four-way."

I glared at him. "Leave me the hell alone, Sirius. Hear me when I say stop waiting for me because there's nothing to wait for."

I attempted to shut the door in his face, but he stuck his hand out to stop it. "You're just pissed off at me right now because you know you have feelings for me but are too afraid to admit it. And you never would have if I hadn't asked you out or told you how I felt."

I shook my head, wanting desperately not to believe that. "No," I spoke firmly. "Whatever it is that you thought we could have had is over before it can even begin, Sirius. Maybe there was a part of me that thought you and I could have made it work but it's just a bunch of bullshit. So what if we slept together? It didn't mean anything. It was just sex. You're still the same guy you've always been, Sirius. And frankly, I'm still the same girl. It's laughable to think that we could have been something."

He shook his head. "No, it's not laughable," he was quick to argue. "What's laughable is this pretense that you even considered dating me."

"Excuse me?"

"You didn't consider it. Not even for a moment. You can pretend that you did because you have an excuse to back out but that's all you've ever looked for. Excuses to run. To hide. Excuses for why you won't let yourself fall in love. I know what it's like not to be able to keep the past in the past, but that doesn't mean you should continue running and hiding until you're able to face the insecurities of your past. It just means you've got to try harder to figure out exactly what it is you want, Keegan."

He sounded so sure of himself that I wanted it to be that easy. But it could never be easy when your heart was the sole object involved. I had made up my mind that after watching Sydny deal with her own history catching up with her and I had made up my mind after watching Lily fall apart for what James did to her, but as I stood there in front of Sirius, my decision made that much more sense to me. Sirius couldn't give me what I wanted or what I needed. Maybe at one point he could have, but too much history had passed between us. Too much animosity and bickering and casual sex and an on again off again friendship had gotten in our way.

Clearing my throat, I said, "I've already figured out what I want, Sirius, and unfortunately it's not something you can give me."

His eyes flickered with regret. "Keegan-"

I cut him off. "Sirius, I'm moving back to France."


A/N: Well, I certainly think that the title of this chapter is pretty spot on, don't you think? Well whatever you think, I'd appreciate you reviewing!