Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. I own nothing interesting. All I've got is my bones, must be why I like McCoy so much.

AN: My muse decided that McCoy and Kirk were feeling way too damn good. Thus it gets ugly.

Through A Mirror Darkly

ISS Enterprise Observation Deck 1600

Kirk sat in the observation deck, waiting for the stars to cool his raging temper. He didn't know what it was, but hearing McCoy call him a monster had stripped every bit of patience he'd had, and fried every last nerve. It wasn't that he hadn't heard the name before, it was a pretty common insult for what he was across the galaxy. He knew he wasn't a 'good' man, and couldn't feel but so bad about that as said 'good' men tended to die quickly, and die bloody. But still, coming from McCoy, the insult had hurt.

He'd never meant to tell McCoy that there had been assassins sent after his family. That wasn't something that he planned on sharing with the gentle man who shared his bed. But then he hadn't intended for McCoy to find out what had happened to the DeWinters clan either. He found he couldn't justify the deaths of said clan without explaining the precipitating event, given McCoy's lack of bloodlust. But even with that explanation he was left with a consort who thought him a monster, who was likely worried about his family, and so that left him here looking out at the stars.

He didn't look up when he heard the doors open, it wasn't as if being maudlin made him less dangerous, so that limited the number of people who would approach him off shift when he'd been purported to be in a foul mood. The footsteps were soft, and there was the slight swish of what he judged to be a skirt. It wasn't pronounced enough to be his mother, Gaila tended to wear the engineering coveralls with his and Spock's blessing, so that left one person. "What do you want Nytoa?"

"Well, I came to thank you for what you did for Gaila, but it sounds like you could use a friend." Kirk sent her a dark look as she sat down beside him, and he went back to starring at the stars without acknowledging her further. "Our fearsome captain starring out into space, that doesn't bode well. What's wrong, Jim?"Her smiled faded as he sighed, and turned further from her. "Come on, Jim, you might as well tell me, you know I'm not going to leave you like this?"

"What did I ever do to deserve such devotion?" The tone was sarcastic, but Nytoa knew that were Jim not in such a foul mood he'd be appreciative. That knowledge was what made her continue to press, Jim needed to talk to someone, but without someone to needle him he'd sit here and brood until the start of his shift tomorrow morning. Or worse take out his temper on whatever ensign was stupid enough to mistake his distraction for a sign of weakness.

"You asked me the hard questions about Spock, the ones nobody else would dare to. You helped me when I needed it, and you've been a good friend. Now stop sulking and let me return the favor. What happened with you and McCoy?"

Kirk raised an eyebrow, worried that it had been so easy for her to discern the cause of his melancholy. "How'd you know it was McCoy?"

"Come on Jim, I'm your chief communications officer, and bonded to a Vulcan, that would imply that I'm somewhat good at reading people. You've been on cloud nine the past few days, and suddenly you're sitting here starring out into space looking like you've lost your best friend. I'm pretty sure McCoy's the only one who could cause that kind of reaction, so what happened?"

"Apparently he feels my reaction to someone sending an assassin after his family was excessive."

"What did you do?" She raised an eyebrow. Kirk was known for definitive statements, but she hadn't seen anything particularly abnormal show up in the news feeds or scuttlebutt in the past few days, so she figured it couldn't be but so bad.

"Killed them all." He watched her face as she mulled over the admission.

Finally she shrugged. "Seems fair to me, and romantic even. But then you knew he was a little odd when you took him to bed."

"Yeah, I guess I did. But I don't know what to do. If I hadn't done what I had his family would have been hurt, but then he judges me a monster for doing what he asked me to do and protecting his family."

"He actually used the word monster?" At Kirk's wince she reached over and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "No wonder you're so upset. He'll come around, Jim, you'll see."

"Things were going so well, and then this had to happen. He was just starting to warm up to me, Nyota. And the way he looked at me when he saw those pictures, I really don't know if he'll be able to let this go."

"Then he's a bigger fool than any of us thought. He'll realize that keeping those you love safe justifies a lot, and he'll come around, Jim. Just give him time."

Captains Quarters 1600

McCoy sat still nursing the drink that he'd held when Kirk had stormed out. The more he looked at the picture of Joanna, the more the memory of the sickening feeling that he'd had when he'd come to Kirk haunted him. He'd known who he was getting into bed with, Kirk wasn't a nice guy. Never had claimed to be, but so far he had bent over backwards to make and keep McCoy and his family happy. He couldn't see what possible danger a child could pose to Joanna, but then he hadn't thought that Marcus or Ethan's families might attempt retaliation either.

He acknowledged that without Kirk all he would have left of Joanna would be a memory, or worse the sound of her screams in his ears as Ethan carried out whatever sick plot he'd conducted. And that knowledge sank deep down into his gut, and weighed heavily on his bones. Kirk, so far as he could tell hadn't lied to him, kept things from him yes, but never directly lied. So if he said that what he'd done had been necessary to protect Joanna and his family, well then he had two choices.

He could protest that it was wrong and horrible, and maybe sway Kirk. But that might later cause Kirk not to act for fear of upsetting him, and that could cost him the life of someone close to him. Or he could accept what was done, and appreciate the results of the actions taken, though the methods still sickened him. Joanna was safe, his mother was happy, and if he was in the hands of a mad man, well at least they were gentle most of the time. He pushed the sickness that he felt at the death of a child, and embraced the gratitude that it wasn't his child. To do anything else, well in that lay madness.

Observation Deck 1630

McCoy walked into the observation deck with a knot in his stomach that had to do with a lot more than the fact that he was walking into an area of the ship that left him with no illusions that only a thin layer of metal and glass stood between him and the icy grip of space. Kirk's figure was plain, and it seemed that he and Uhura were engaged in a gripping conversation, with her arguing forcefully with an unconvinced Kirk. She saw him standing at the doorway first, and smiled at him, then ducked down to whisper something in Kirk's ear.

She stood and walked over to him, giving him a little nudge further into the room. He barely heard the click of her heels as she walked away over the staccato beat of his heart. He walked over to Kirk, trying and for the most part succeeded in controlling his trembling. The eyes that met his own betrayed none of the heat that had flared in them earlier, whatever break there was in Kirk's poker face was gone. The anger and if he wasn't mistaken hurt, that had flashed across Kirk's features earlier might not have been gone, but it certainly was buried deeply.

"Something you needed Dr. McCoy?" McCoy resisted the urge to wince at the coldness in Kirk's voice. This wasn't the playful, affectionate man that he'd been getting to know, nor was it the captain, though it tended far more towards the captain side of the dichotomy. McCoy realized that he'd never had Kirk mad at him personally. He'd been pissed about some of his decisions yes, like the too long shifts in Med Bay, but him personally no. He found that he didn't like the feel of it, somehow it felt off and just wrong and awkward.

McCoy sighed and met the cold eyes, and swallowed to get around the lump that had formed in his throat. "I came to say that I'm sorry. I asked you to protect my family and you've done more than keep your word on that front. I won't pretend to understand the methods you used, but if you thought it was necessary then I'm sure you had your reasons."

Kirk's hand snaked out and the next thing McCoy knew he found himself in an undignified pile on Kirk's lap. "You're right, I did have my reasons. I will do whatever is necessary to protect you and yours, McCoy. And I will not apologize for the actions I have to take to do that. Do we understand each other on that?"

McCoy swallowed thickly, and told the voice that railed against him for accepting this to shut it. Mercy and compassion were what had ended him up in this position to start with. "I understand."

"I'll accept questions and arguments in a lot of areas McCoy, but this isn't one of them. There may come a time when your safety or that of your family relies on you trusting my judgment, so you're going to have to decide if you're willing to trust me or not. You don't get to enjoy the benefits of my protection, and then revile me for the acts that lend you that protection."

"So you want me to accept without question?" McCoy felt his heart drop, he wasn't sure he could do what Kirk was asking him to do, even though he knew that he needed to desperately.

"Do you expect me to accept that I need a vaccine before I go onto a strange planet, because you tell me so?" McCoy nodded, and Kirk continued. "Then when I tell you that someone needed to be removed to keep your family safe, I expect the same. Acknowledging our strengths remember." He could see the warring emotions on McCoy's face, and he realized that getting to the point that McCoy automatically trusted his decisions might take years. The more that he thought about it, it wasn't that McCoy had questioned his decision that had bothered him. Instead it was that he'd assumed him a monster without questioning why he'd done what he'd done.

"The problem wasn't that you had questions, it was that you started making assumptions before you had all the facts. Just try looking at the big picture next time. The important part of this equation isn't what was done, but why. Instead of finding that out, which I would have told you, by the way if you'd just asked me, you immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion. I am a bastard, McCoy. I maim and kill people, and do all other manner of things that I'm sure you wouldn't approve of. But I thought we'd established by now, I don't do things like this for kicks."

Kirk sighed deeply and cupped his cheek, before allowing his fingers to play in the end of McCoy's hair. He gave a bittersweet smile, and seemed to just enjoy the feel of McCoy's presence for a moment. "This only works if you trust me not to be an unspeakable bastard. I thought that you were starting to understand that if nothing else." He felt a tremor run through McCoy, and he wasn't sure if it was the fact that he was surrounded by incontrovertible evidence that he was floating through space, or if he was frightened of Kirk.

Kirk felt his anger leave him as he held McCoy close, both the apology and the rant doing a great deal to assuage his frustrations. It meant a lot for McCoy to seek him out here, to apologize, knowing that he faced an uncertain reception and one of his greatest fears. Another day he might see if he couldn't distract McCoy from said fear, but for the moment, he wanted to mend the breach between the two of them before it got any wider. "Come on, let's continue this conversation somewhere a little less prone to make you hyperventilate."

McCoy cast a wary glance towards the stars, and took a deep shuttering breath. "That would be greatly appreciated." Kirk steadied McCoy as he rose, and then stood beside him. As the two left the observation deck, Kirk gave one lingering glance towards the stars. One of these days he'd work on getting McCoy to see the beauty of the view beyond the terror, but decided that McCoy's horizons had been stretched far enough for the moment.

The two men were quiet on their way back to quarters, and McCoy held his tongue as he was steered back to the table that he'd recently vacated, and Kirk fixed each of them a drink. He sat the drinks down, and sat in the chair across from McCoy, picking up the discarded photos. He thumbed through them idly before stopping at one of the most horrific, the still form of a small child lying face down, no older than Joanna, and small for that age at that. He laid it on the table between them, and met McCoy's eyes. "I'm guessing that this is what set you off? The 'children'?"

McCoy swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat and wordlessly nodded. "I'm sure you're thinking to yourself what danger could a child possibly pose to your family, right? And thinking that this is barbaric and excessive," Kirk continued on before he could affirm those thoughts. "No need to answer that McCoy, I think we've argued just about enough for one day. It's important to remember, that things are not always what they seem. You ever spend any time with the DeWinters family?"

"Holiday parties, and the like. Marcus and I worked together before-" He trailed off remembering the sight of Jocelyn in bed with the man that he'd believed was his friend.

"Before he stole your wife and family from you, yes, I know all about that. For that alone he deserved to die, but his family, do you ever remember seeing this child with them? Did Joanna ever play with him, ever see him come to visit his daddy at work?"

McCoy thought back on it, and realized that while the other two names of the children listed on the coroners reports he recognized, this child was unknown to him. He thought on it, and realized that given the age listed, he would have most likely met the boy, as he would have shared schools, and play dates with Joanna, as the other two DeWinters children had. "No, I can't say that I do remember the boy."

He looked at Kirk quizzically asking with his eyes and posture what he dare not say with his mouth. The accusation of 'he was still a child, what does it matter if I remember him or not' practically screamed at Kirk from the tense fingers on McCoy's whiskey glass, and the flushed face that had little to do with the whiskey he'd consumed. "If that strikes you as odd, it should. The DeWinters clan only had two living children. This boy, well he wasn't actually a child at all. Ever run across a Suliban in your xenobiology studies?"

"A shape shifter?" McCoy looked puzzled. "Why would then need a-"

"A shape shifter that looked like a child? That would be the assassin that they meant to send after your daughter. Make the threat look human, fake a background, pay the little tikes tuition, and off he goes to school."

"But the other two, they were human. I remember them." McCoy thought of the little girl who'd used to play with Joanna, and the older boy who'd pulled his sister's pigtails.

Kirk sighed at the look on McCoy's face, and after a moment of consideration fixed him with a stare. "This is never to be mentioned outside of this room." Kirk went to the computer in his quarters, and with some computer magic that mystified McCoy he pulled up a file on the two children. "Those two are happily living on New Vulcan with Ambassador Spock, after having their minds very thoroughly wiped. But it serves our purposes much, much better if no one else knows that. I do have a reputation to maintain after all."

McCoy looked at the neutral expressions that the children wore in the photo, and recognized the steps of the New Vulcan High Council chambers. He looked back at Kirk dumbfounded. "But why go to all the trouble to make everyone think they're dead then?"

"Because I couldn't afford to let them live with the memory of what they'd lost. Children remember, McCoy, and they don't stay children forever. I didn't want this coming back to bite us in the ass ten years from now. And it will give anyone who thinks about touching what's mine pause, when they remember the how the DeWinters ended up when they tried it."

Kirk shrugged. "I needed the kids out of sight, New Vulcan needs children, and the Ambassador wanted to play around with the idea of transferring Vulcan knowledge to humans via mind meld. If they can transfer the knowledge, then a lot of the girls who currently end up in state homes will likely get shipped to New Vulcan instead."

"Why?"

"Spock's living proof that hybrids are possible, even though the cross species reproduction is kind of sticky, and Vulcan's pretty desperate for females. Humans kept from childhood would be easily controlled, and make relatively expendable broodmares from their perspective I would imagine."

"That's just disturbing."

"And that's a bridge that the Empire can cross when it becomes an issue, for the moment however, you can stop with the existential crisis. The children are fine, and being well treated. Their parents were fools, they got what they deserved, and your family is safe. Anymore complaints or questions before we put this topic under the heading of things not to be discussed ever again?"

"I don't know what to say, I never would have expected this." He gestured widely indicating the pictures of both the smiling children and the dead Subilan.

"I don't deny that I can be a ruthless bastard McCoy, but killing children is not something I'm fond of doing. I will if I have too, in this case I didn't." He finished his drink, and sat the glass on the table with a thud. "Now, since we've got all that settled, I believe I heard an apology in that conversation. That would mean that we've officially had, and resolved our first fight. And with neither of us bruised or bloodied, who would have thought?"

He pulled McCoy to him, and cut off any remark that he would have made with a heated mass of teeth and tongue. After a moment, heated and breathless, McCoy pulled away. "What are you doing?"

Kirk rolled his eyes. "Honestly, McCoy, you were in a relationship that ended in a divorce so damn messy that you had to leave the planet, and you don't grasp the concept of makeup sex? I have so very, very much to teach you."

AN: Greetings gentle readers, and there we have the resolution of Kirk and McCoy's first (though certainly not the last) big fight. As a side note, I haven't been able to watch the episodes of Enterprise to verify that Sulibans can appear in human form, but everything I found them classifies them as shape shifters. If they can't take on human form, someone please let me know, and give me a lead on Star Trek species that can both shape shift into human form, and be killed. As always thanks for reading, and please do let me know what you think.

Next up: Makeup sex, and we finally get to see what Kirk had his lawyers draw up.