One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter James Earl Jones.
He understood now.
The sleepless hours, the momentous thoughts that refused to stop hounding him, the constant circle his mind had been dragged around, never finding an answer. He got it.
God was punishing him.
For all the lives he had taken, all the families he had broken apart with death and despair. Jason was being thoroughly recompensed for the life he had chosen by loving a woman he couldn't have and watching her live a life he wanted so desperately to be part of.
Jason knew he was powerless to do anything but to accept the retribution he so deeply deserved.
He wasn't a noble man, but even in his grim line of work he had a moral code he followed loyally. He honored that living and never stepped a foot out of line for anyone.
Seated in his private office now, in a black shirt and faded blue jeans, staring out at the afternoon clear skies, Jason's long sigh was weighted down by his dilemma.
The code he had lived his whole life by was now a waste.
It didn't matter how careful he was or that he taken every precaution necessary to stay alive, keep on top of things, and above all remain detached from the ugly side of the business.
Elizabeth had turned his world upside down when she accidentally stumbled into his life. She didn't have the slightest inkling of how much havoc she had wreaked on him, so unaware of the power she held.
This whole situation would be so much easier if he didn't love her, if the pull to want her wasn't so earth shatteringly magnificent. But that wasn't the case. Her love had changed him and after finally surrendering following months of fighting himself, he didn't want to let go.
Love was stronger then he thought possible. He always thought of the emotion as weak, an enabling feeling. Love blinded a person from reality, the obvious pitfalls that any level headed individual would normally detect right away.
He never needed the extra baggage love involuntarily heaped on and he had always measured anyone who did as weak and unimaginative. His way of thinking was if a person couldn't be happy with themselves and needed another person to make that aspiration a fulfillment, they weren't much of a person to begin with.
He was wrong. The knowledge cut through him like a newly sharpened blade.
Loving her didn't feel weak. It felt right and good. The reality of his love only scared him because he hadn't realized he wasn't happy until he knew he couldn't have her. When it was too late to do something about it.
He had always done what he wanted, when he wanted and no one ever refused him. He had confirmed to himself years ago that living his life the way he wanted was happiness and as long as it filled in all the gaps his horrible childhood had turned hollow, he was content.
He was wrong about that too. He never understood that just seeing someone smile or laugh, taking in their adorable flush could brighten someone up. He didn't know and yet his whole life's happiness had somehow become wrapped up in all those little things.
Stretching his legs out, Jason stood, peering outside the window. The busy streets buzzed, the rustle of horns and life pierced through his office, but he didn't see any of what lay before him like a vivid canvas of color. All of him heard his thoughts and felt the command of his heart.
He loved her and he was getting goddamn tired of hiding it. His instinctive reaction last night by touching her the way he did should have clued her in. Couldn't she see what was right in front of her face?
He had just found out she was pregnant and what was his first response? To make love to her. He ached for it, the pain of holding back was gripping and tremendous. He wanted to be inside her, feel their bodies joined together with the life they had created blooming in her.
God, he would have taken her on the counter, shredded both their clothes and finally acted on some of the fantasies that had been silently infusing him for last two months if he didn't have an ounce of self control.
But her defensives were so high, she was not mindful to the plain truth sitting like a big fat elephant in the room with them.
Jason wasn't even trying to disguise his true feelings. In a way, he just wanted to tell her how in love with her he was. Things would be lot simpler and maybe they could talk without so much tension shooting off like a missile between them.
Part of him was scared though.
Telling her meant making them both vulnerable to their feelings and both exposed to what his enemies could do if they found out they were together.
On the flip side, he wasn't sure if she still cared for him as he did. His love for her hadn't diminished in the slightest. On the contrary, it had grown intensely stronger with each passing day. And now, knowing she was pregnant, for some odd reason, made him want her with a potency that shackled him to her permanently.
If let his emotions take full control he'd run home and make love to her, never let them leave bed and make up all week for the last two months they had missed apart.
His eyes closed shut. He wanted to so bad. Just remembering how gorgeous she looked when she came, how addicting the sight of her under him was, her glistening alabaster body shuddering and writhing as he sank into her made him harder them granite.
She was having his child.
Pregnant with his baby…the one girl he had ever loved and couldn't have.
God must have taken his time to fashion this personal torture chamber for him.
He had to marry her, had to have her with him because it would keep her safe, keep the baby protected, but all in name only. He couldn't love her the way he wanted or she deserved. She didn't want that and he didn't want to complicate her life more. Or did he?
This whole thing was a fucking complicated mess with no simple answer.
Living with her but not being able to love her, taking care of her but not being able to fully devote to her the way she needed, how could he do that? He wasn't a fucking robot, no matter what anyone said.
But if he wanted to keep her safe he had to remain disconnected and sharp; two things that had escaped him since last night.
There had to be another way. There had to be.
The shrill of his phone woke him, the harsh sound ringing off in his head like a fire horn, breaking the pensive silence down the middle of the room like a blow of thunder.
Purposefully, he let the phone go on ringing several more times before moving to pick up the blasted nuisance. He didn't want to hear from anyone and his mood was too foul to play nice with any unprepared human being.
But, as always, he had no choice.
He walked over, unhurried, trying to gather his hazy wits without unleashing the headache that sat buried beneath the pile of muck in his head.
The tips of his fingers worked the knots of tension in the sides of his forehead with a gentle roll. He really didn't think anything would work unless given the option to go home and check on Elizabeth, make sure she was still there and okay; which was what he was planning to do once this conversation was over.
Not looking, his hand reached for the phone and easily found the black cordless contraption face down in the middle of his desk.
He pressed talk and held it to his ear as he leaned into his black leather desk chair. " Yeah?"
" Jason. How are you today?"
The voice on the other end reeked in sincerity, causing Jason to pause and release the hold on his forehead. His headache was suddenly forgotten. " Jason?...are you there? I'm a very busy man. Did you think about the situation with your girlfriend?"
The slight infraction from Anthony's customary warmth spurred Jason's speech. He saw Elizabeth, his face went scorching red and he realized he didn't own enough fire arms to alleviate the amount of anger he was suffering in this particular moment in time.
" Elizabeth Webber." He tried to compress his growl. " Yes."
There was a small chuckle before Mr. Marcone replied, " I guess you've been thinking about what we talked about then."
The man had the indecent nerve to be pleased with the subject in discussion. Like this was not a real life, just some object or merchandise up for negotiation.
Leaning further back in his chair Jason did a mediocre job at feigning his impartiality regarding this particular subject and answered lowly. " I have and I was made aware that you came to see her yesterday."
" Oh, she told you." Anthony exclaimed, his voice leaping at what he believed was great news. " Good. I was hoping for that. You both need to work your problems out. Communication is the key to every successful relationship."
Anthony Marcone couldn't have been more merry if Jason had just informed him he was the new sweepstakes winner. His delighted surprise sputtered through Jason's mind, twisting through his system like a slow fever. He cleared his throat and attempted a civil tone. " I thought I made it clear that she wasn't a part of my business."
" She is if you care for her Jason." Anthony assured brazenly. " I was trying to make you see that."
" I don't want you approaching her again." Jason overlapped in a terse manner that would have made a normal clear-headed person think twice before continuing. " She's not your concern."
" But she is yours."
Jason straightened, curling his fingers around the edge of the desk." What do you want, Mr. Marcone?"
" I want my business partner back. Fully." He accented with a snap that revealed a dollop of his disdain. " We just opened up our new establishment and here you are worried about a girl. You need to make up your mind...let her go, stay, whatever…just do it." When the break of silence in the conversation lasted longer than was politely necessary, Anthony breathed out, back to his wise elderly bravado. " Did you talk to her?"
There was no mistaking the heave in impatience when Jason finally decided to answer. " Yes."
" How did that go?"
Jason shook his head, hating that he had to do this. He bit down, felt the pain fire into his gums before he stiffly let out his reply. " It was informative."
" Ah, so she told you she was pregnant?" There was a smile in his voice. Jason didn't have to be in front of the man to see the indulging beams from across town.
" Yes." His voice was lower than a whisper.
" Good."
His rejoice in Jason's situation was inappropriate bordering on invasive. " I'm warning you, Anthony, keep your distance with her." He rumbled, standing up and pacing the floor like an enslaved jungle cat leaping in protective fury. " I don't care how long you did business with Sonny…I wont be as hesitant to retaliate if you step out of line. I'm not a nostalgic person."
" I know you're not." Anthony agreed easily, falling in stride with Jason's standardized blunt intimidation. " That's why I didn't go to war with you when you overthrew him and took over. Sonny was a good man, but he was too emotional. He let things get to him too easily. He could have been greater if he wasn't so imbalanced." He pondered thoughtfully. " You run that same risk now."
"How?"
This time when he laughed, Anthony at least had the decorum to sound humble, lost in his own world of the past. " Love makes you weak Jason. All over. I love my wife, but not enough to distract me from what I have to do."
" I'm sure your mistresses would agree." Jason commented dryly, closing his eyes as contemplation bombarded him from every angle.
" You are too consumed with this girl." He stated matter of facet. " Its going to break you. In this business there's no other way out. Let her go."
Jason froze. It was as if Anthony had just read his mind. " No."
" Jason, you are being foolish." Anthony's tone resonated in disappointment. " She is a way to get to you. Don't you see that?"
" She's having my child." Jason snapped without regard.
There was another long hefty session of silence. " I thought you weren't a sentimental man."
" I'm not."
Jason could practically hear the gears in Anthony's head screech from overwork. " Unless you're in love with her. Are you?" He asked innocently, with a catch meant to draw him out. " Are you Jason?"
Denying the truth now would be redundant. Anthony wouldn't believe him and this was a minor detail with the men he rubbed elbows with. The fact was she was connected to him, whether love was involved or not was Jason's own personal flaw.
He swiped a hand through his unbrushed hair, then over his chest, despising the cornered sensation he seemed to be in a perpetual state of. He licked his lips, released a bottled up breath like the one word held his future.
"Yes." He murmured. " I love her."
It was the first time he had said the words out loud.
" Then let her go." Anthony advised, passionately. " There is no other way out of this if you love her."
Shaking his head Jason refused to feel the violent tremble that invaded him. " I cant." He explained destroyed and desperate.
" Jason, if you make her your own, marry her, try to have a life, you will always wonder when someone like you will come along and snatch it away." His voice sounded closer, melding into the voice in Jason's mind, grafting together to overpower the little restraint he had. " The other families are already disturbed by your lack of emotional investment in this. They see it everyday. I survived, but I've lost too. How many people in this business do we know who have families? It doesn't work that way."
"If I marry her at least she'll be protected. I can keep her safe." He grumbled low, like the aftershock of an earthquake.
" How?" Anthony nudged, unremitting. " For how long?"
" I don't know," He shouted, cracking the polite reserve for good. "But I will do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't get hurt!"
" And what if you die. You leave her and your child to your enemies."
Jason smacked the glass of his window, whipping around when his anger pounced on him like a surprise attack. " I thought that you wanted me to marry her." His nostrils flared and his features balled together. " That the rest of the men would take it as a good sign…I'm settling down, whatever."
He couldn't see straight, he couldn't think properly. Jason was functioning on the lowest level possible and all he was encountering was hot and brilliant rage. Fuck everyone and what they thought.
" Marrying her solves your problem temporarily. You're in this limbo state with her and its making you indecisive and sloppy, but if you marry her, tell her you love her and attempt to be happy, you're also leaving the door wide open for other risks. That's all I'm saying." His diplomatic response only fell on Jason's doorstep as audacious and incredibly meddlesome.
What angered him beyond reason was the fact that everything the man was saying was right. He was stuck and any way he turned he was putting Elizabeth in danger. There was no way out.
His lungs shut down, cramping for oxygen, but the search was fruitless. Nothing could take this pain away. " You think I should let her go?" he mumbled, deadened.
Anthony paused under the question, breathing in the air Jason wouldn't let himself take. " I think if you love her as much as you say you do," He started slow, "…as much as I think you do…you'd do what's best for her and this child."
" I already did that once." He shifted his weight to his other foot, feeling reckless, ready to tear at something. " It didn't work."
" Didn't work or you didn't want it to?"
Jason's head hung, he nodded, remembering and trying to forget her all at the same time. " I stayed away…" His eyes closed and he instantly found her image waiting for him. Brilliant, overwhelming him. "Somehow we always end up finding a way back to each other."
" Then you need to sever all ties for good. Send her away where her name can never be traced to yours. Ever."
" I don't think I can do that." Just hearing him suggest such an impossible task made Jason's stomach lurch in nausea.
" You can. And you will." He advised coolly, like a shrink giving his professional opinion. " If you care for her as much as you say you do."
She was being sneaky.
Embarrassed at picturing the ridiculous sight she must make all rumpled and lethargic, Elizabeth flushed the color of a stop sign and thanked god Jason wasn't home.
She concluded this fact confidently and gratefully with a big intake of air.
He couldn't be home because if he was the man would be standing over her in two seconds flat after hearing her bare feet squeak down the steps. He'd plaster her with one of his forbidding scowls and she'd melt into a puddle, fumbling for an explanation that would never make it past the door of her mouth.
Jason had that same affect with the handful of people she had seen him interact with. Mainly she guessed the antisocial vibe he gave off had something to do with it. She was still not immuned, her body still needed a good five minutes to adjust to his presence when he entered a room.
With her black flats in her hands, dangling at the tips of her fingers, heaved over her shoulder carelessly, she surveyed the large museum like living room again. The daylight amplified the gaudy aura, painfully overbearing for someone who had just awoken without a warning of any kind.
Her eyes voyaged around, hating the sight more than she could imagine. Jason was Jason and this place didn't mirror who he was in any way, shape, or form; which perturbed her. Jason never did or said something he didn't want to. He wasn't a person who could be forced into submission. She didn't think even a bullet could stop him when his single-minded focus found a goal to accomplish.
She settled her gaze on the small bookcase from last night. The wood furnish was chipped, the surface aged like the piece of furniture had seen better days. The personal collection of books itself appeared old and well used and she wondered if maybe that was the last remnant of whom Jason used to be. Maybe some part of him was tucked far away into a corner as well.
At first, she had jumped to the conclusion that he was happy, but when she really stared and made herself look at him, he didn't seem so blissful. There was a shadow, a void, that followed him, shaded out the joy he was supposed to be basking in. Especially now that he was at the pinnacle of his success.
Or it could be she was just seeing what she wanted to. Maybe the image was merely an emulation of herself. Because she was unhappy, because she missed him till she thought the ache inside her would make a hole in her gut. Because without him all the success and happiness she longed for was meaningless if he wasn't there to share it with.
She sighed, humiliated by her own pathetic grasp for some hope.
Hope was one thing and the fleeting emotion never ran in the same company as realism.
Unfortunately.
She turned, facing the polished wood door, so shiny she could almost make out her momentary state of complete disarray. From the little she could gather, her hair resembled a very large uprooted bush that needed major hedging, her skin was paler than death and her current state of wear was almost falling off.
She remembered the clothes had fit when she had bought them.
She zipped through her list of things to do. She didn't have time to grab for food, maybe a quick tea stop and she'd buy a cup of mixed fruit on her break. Sad thing she wasn't even hungry. Just thinking about getting food made her stomach sway in protest.
She headed towards the door then stopped in place when she saw the handle turn.
Shit.
She wasn't ready to deal with this. Her willpower tended to take a nosedive into nonexistence whenever Jason entered her vicinity and she had the ungracious ability to respond so incredibly inappropriate from just one innocent stare or inadvertent touch.
Where was her independence now…when she needed it?
The door opened to slow for her liking. Her shoulders stiffened in unease. Her fingers curled into the heels of her shoes and her knees locked straight like components finding their position.
The patience traveling through her was wearing thin and the emotion fell solely on her own helplessness when any one thing in her life remotely involved Jason Morgan.
" Hi."
The deep whisked greeting made her skin shift out of place. Startled her eyes shot up and he was there. Right there in front of her giving her the most enigmatic smothering look. He was closer than she anticipated and she wondered how he had moved with such stealth.
More importantly, how was she so lost in her own tangling thoughts that she didn't notice?
She gave an inhibited smile, seeking for her brainwaves to take action and supply words sufficient enough to pass as a reception, but she was numb and tired and sick of fighting her own feelings.
He was…just Jason, after all.
Except sweeter. Today at least.
Handsome and looking particularly vulnerable, his eyes poured down into hers like a rainbow breaking through a gray sky.
Back in his t shirt and jeans, his tousled hair was glossed and silky like the plane of a wheat field. His body leaned carelessly to the side as he studied her to the point where she was starting to become lightheaded.
He looked disheveled, disoriented, lost, but wondering, as he stared down engaging her with each shimmer and flex of the blue in his eyes.
He looked….She breathed in, her ribs retracted in.
" How are you feeling?"
Her head shot up and she wiped away the residual ramifications of his incessant influence on her. " Good." Elizabeth replied shortly, moving away and around him.
She grappled for semblance, staring at the door and not him definitely upped her chances. " Better anyway." She murmured unenthusiastically.
When she turned to meet him halfway in the conversation, knowing she had to if she wanted to get this over with and get out, the softness in his face fell away. His eyes sharpened, glacier ice now glared into her. " Maybe you should rest more."
" No…I rested enough." She wrote off lightly, bringing her hands around her torso, tucking her small shoes under the crevasse of her arm and immediately regretting the move when Jason followed the movement and stayed zeroed on her middle.
" I'm going to be late." She announced with a burst of fresh motivation, clasping down the nervous jiggle in her throat.
" Late."
The word slipped from in between his tight lips like just saying the word irritated him, never mind the explanation behind it. " For work." She made herself say, stutter and all.
" I'm supposed to be in at four."
" Elizabeth," He drawled out her name, catching her stare and pinning her down from movement. When she cooperated and let herself be taken by him he shook his head, his eyes the only thing remaining still and on her. " No."
She didn't like that word, especially when he had no right to use it with her. " Jason, please don't fight me." She counseled, taking an imprudent step in his direction. He already looked like he was on the verge of saying no again. " I need this job," she whispered with a sturdiness most people didn't take the time to detect.
" No you don't." He inched forward, his stare heavily hooded. " Not anymore. I'll take care of you."
The surge plied against her for relief. She went ramrod straight, surprised her clothes didn't iron out with the blatant move. " Well I want it then." She clarified, eyes bobbing between his defiantly. " I like working."
The corner of his mouth perked up, scantly, one cheek lifting with an allure that would arouse the pulse in a dead plant. His eyes were the only feature that didn't obey the indulging whim, staying serious and sterling." You're not keeping both jobs."
Her heart must have been smiling back in return, the tempo rose up against her. Good thing he at least couldn't see that. " Fine."
" Fine?" He leveled his gaze down on her, unmistakably direct.
" Yeah." Her voice carried her, her brain desolate. " I didn't really like the assistant job anyway."
His fixed glare thawed, melting into steamy mystifying pools. " You're not going to argue?"
She couldn't repress the soft chuckle that started in her chest and bloomed upward. She could tell he really didn't believe her and the ridiculous thought that she could ever lie to his face was absurd; but adorable to witness.
" Arguing takes too much energy." She explained, giving her stomach a gentle pat with the just her fingers. " I'm saving it all for this baby."
Immediately his emotions flipped on him. He came closer, not crowding but close enough to hover and his features pierced out with an ominous edge that still made her work for breath. " I'm sorry if I made-"
" You didn't. You couldn't." She quickly relieved him of the self berating that always seemed to be waiting in the helms to undo him. A warm tingle floated down her arm, swirling around the dent of her palm. She wanted badly to comfort him, a soft word, a kind gesture, but she didn't move. " I should have told you when I found out…I just was trying to do what you would want. I was wrong."
" No. I was wrong."
She could hear the scars in his voice, the torment depress his words like an anchor was wrapped around each one. They weren't even in at the midpoint of her pregnancy and he was feeling too much, regretting things he never would have looked back on if she wasn't pregnant. " Jason, I-"
" I should have never let you go."
She lifted the small protection her eyelids made and widened her view of him. Her mind had spent months working aggressively not to feel and now when she was being tested the battle already seemed lost as her emotions deepened in strength. " What do you mean?" She mumbled, staggering under his gaze.
He licked his bottom lip, chipping away her dissolving control. The suffocating slowness of his movements were like her own personal drug. He spoke, careful and unsure, a complete contradiction to who he was. " That night…I let you believe I didn't care for you….that all I ever felt was attraction. You believed me." The husky wounded quality of his voice banished all logic. " Why…why did you?"
How was she supposed to answer that when she was grabbing at whatever strength she had left to escape specific moments like this. But she was captured, caught, rendered under him like a helpless victim, like a moth to a flame. There was no escaping him. When would she learn that lesson she didn't know.
" Honestly…" she started, the tremble in her body infecting her voice, "You're so…I guess I just never felt like I really deserved you." His bruised stare darkened; which was odd because the color in his eyes lightened; the affect like electrical sparks. She continued, her voice shrinking as her honesty marched forward. " Like the whole thing that happened between us was some dream I had finally wakened from."
" Never…deserved… me."
The demurring descent in his short breathy groan scared her, made her want to make up a quick and easy lie, but now she was jammed in between wanting to know where this was going and what he truly wanted from her. Even if the truth would hurt her. She stumbled, recovered on time to let out, " Well…yeah."
He moved, his body barricading hers just with his wide shoulders. There was no misinterpreting the severe dip in his voice or the clarifying starkness that starved her senseless.
His bottom lip hung down in incredulity before speaking with minimal movement. He seemed pained with every shift he made. " How could you think that? How could you think that you didn't deserve me?"
" I don't know." She pressed defensively, her brain having a serious shortage from his scorching nearness. " I mean compared to the other women you've been with…" Her words faded from the blaring frown in his eyes, but that only served to buck her anger to life over her nervousness "…. I'm this naïve school girl with no experience. Everything you said just kinda affirmed what I was so scared to believe inside me."
" And what about all those other things I said to you up at the cabin?" he countered, butter soft, with an underlining somberness trapped in an intimacy only a memory could inflict. His nostrils flared out, but he seemed ready to crumble down with just one word from her. " You didn't believe that?" he questioned low.
" Why are you bringing this up, Jason?" Elizabeth backed up a step, but the move was counterproductive when Jason didn't hesitate to shrink the small distance she had made. She sat on her emotions and landed him with reproving glare. " It doesn't matter now. That's over and done."
" Not to me its not."
" Well for me it is." She fought, crippled by the plaguing thwart playing across his face. She looked away, bit her lip hard. " I'm trying to move on. Please," Her eyes closed, than squeezed tight. "Let me."
" Elizabeth," She felt the warm callous tip of his finger under her chin as he led her face to his. The wobble must have been giving her away, her lashes batting under the severity of her good fight. " Look at me." He whispered, ruined and emptied. " Please."
She didn't, couldn't comply immediately, locked under her own need to survive this. But when the blunt tip of his finger slide deeper, skimming the soft inner plane of flesh, the oppressive little prodding had her moistened eyes gleaming reluctantly up, sensitive to his sight even with only the small reprieve of darkness.
The sweltering elucidation in his stare heightened, turned over and over inside her. He was on the brink, the appetite of his stare craving all of her, draining her.
" I…I" His hand moved to cup her jaw, his thumb stroking over the silk powdery expanse of her cheek. He watched his thumb go back and forth, his gaze then grazing her stomach, enlightening like an ember. His leisurely gaze made its way up to her parted mouth. His warm eyes impressed a kiss there before going back up to her eyes where he attentively committed himself.
His stare laid bare over her, peeled and exposed. It spread out across her flesh, bursting with a synergetic energy that flowered bright and hot in her. " What…what Jason?" she urged in soft encouragement.
" I-I…." The mystical luster spiked, the violent tremors of his breath beating against her face. " Elizabeth I…" From nowhere, from some dark corner of his mind Anthony's words echoed through his head, stilling his admission …. If you really care for her, you'll let her go. For good."
He backed away, letting go of her so quick, at a blink's speed and wiped his hand down his shirt, disgusted with himself. Just a moment ago he was drowning with the plundering need to tell her, stifling the urge to just kiss her and let it be and now he was swept void of it all. He sputtered, swiping an aggravated hand over his face as he spoke through gritted teeth, "I don't want to lose you. I care about you."
She felt the loss acutely and wondered how her imagination had become deluded to the point were she couldn't trust herself. She was seeing things. She had to be. She recovered quickly, stuffing her arms under the protection of her armpits and nodded to the floor. " Okay."
" Just…" He breathed out, frustrated, the strain causing his features to bulge. "Let me take care of you." His raucous voice sounded almost like a beg.
" I need to go." She clipped, the words five feet deep under ice.
" I'll drive you."
" No," She answered curtly, taking a step in the direction of the door. He followed but this time reluctantly and without fervor. " I already called a cab."
" When do you get off?" His question was uncontrolled and gravelly.
" Ten."
Her hand was on the door when he replied, wrecked and trodden. " I'll pick you up."
There was still steel determination in his words that was for sure. She eyed him through the filmy visage of her eyes, wishing she could always see him like this. It was a little kinder to her upper respiratory system. " That's not necessary." She plugged on, dropping her shoes and shoving her feet in them with an indelicate move.
" I want to."
He was closer, but she predicted he would be. " Jason." She shook her head against the unnecessary obligation. This was the last thing she wanted. This was why she didn't want to tell him about their baby.
" I want to." He murmured again, velvet in his voice, fluid blue dripping from his gaze. " Besides, stop arguing. It's no good for the baby."
She snickered, the light gesture held no jovial tinge, but she mainly needed a distraction from falling again. She played with the idea to return his look, but thought better of it and locked her eyes on the doorknob instead. " Does this mean you're going to be even more bossy now that you know I'm pregnant?"
His throaty chuckle vibrated through, penetrating the soft walls of her heart. " Probably." He confessed unabashedly.
She turned the knob, shrugging against the palpable burden that continued to swell, back and forth between them. " I'd better go."
" Okay." His voice was sad, dilapidated to the soul of him. She felt the pull to turn back but didn't give in even when she heard the quiet timbre of his voice whisper. " Ten o'clock."
Her day was finally over.
The flow of customers never ceased from the second she stepped into the small shop until the fifteen minute call before closing.
She moaned unladylike, jiggling the set of keys in her hand to find the right one.
Her lower back pinched, the arches of her feet were sore and her legs were cramped from standing for the last five hours. She had to keep in mind that her body was going through a process it had never been under before. She had to be patient with herself. Normally shifts like this were a piece of cake. She had worked twelve hour days the summer before to pay for college without breaking a sweat and now a simple five hour shift was bringing her down to her knees.
College. She sighed in thought. That was her dream; a dream that was so far away from who she was and what she wanted now.
Now with her own sole bank account, she had saved enough money for next semester's tuition and maybe even books if she could convince herself enough to go.
None of that included the rent she still had to pay, her bills, and food. She quit her other job knowing she was eventually going to have to cut back hours with the baby and school anyway, but still, in the end, she needed the money.
She leaned her forehead into the cold glass part of the door, twisting the lock under her without looking down. Things in her life kept volleying back from messy to complicated and every time she turned around there was another facet or detail she had forgotten to consider.
Loving a man who didn't love her back wasn't helping her predicament either; especially when the urge stalked her repeatedly without concession.
Her life was so muddled. The things she wanted before, the desires to go to college, make something of herself, maybe even be a writer, didn't hold the same emphasis anymore. Not since Jason.
She wanted a life with him and their child. She wanted a home, a real home. She didn't care if they lived in a cardboard box outside of Penn station. She didn't care if they were poor or owned half of the eastern seaboard. She wanted him, all, good and bad.
Her adolescent dreams paled in comparison to the hope that ate away at her for a life that would never be hers. She had always wanted to make a name for herself, away from her family because she truly thought that would fill her, erase the damage the past had made.
The truth was simpler. When she was with Jason she did have it all. She felt fulfilled. Mostly, she felt heard and seen, like someone had finally taken the time to really see her after all the years of living like an invisible being.
She was safe with herself when he was there and that meant more than any worldly achievement could award.
Brushing the involuntarily feelings away she faced the street, her thoughts halting on their own when the black stretched limo which was undeniably Jason's purred to a stop right in front of the store.
Jason was nothing if not a man of his word.
She smiled but only to herself, her chin momentarily tucking in her chest for coverage. The door swung open and she moved towards the shiny car eyeing the dark isolated area around.
The night was quiet, eerily so.
Head up, her eyes scanned around her and she noticed a man about Jason's size standing on the opposite side the street. She paused. Newspaper in hand, he appeared distracted, involved in what he was doing, but there was something in the way he stood that seemed rehearsed and guarded. His stature reminded her of Max. His clothes, the hard cut of his indecipherable features, they all signaled a dangerous focus.
Was he…
She immediately forgot about him when she heard heavy footsteps to her right. They pounded across the pavement, stomping against her skin as fear swiftly took primary control.
Her hand whipped around to Jason, goose bumps scattered across her skin and her heart dropped into her stomach. Jason locked eyes with her. He looked paralyzed by the same panic moving inside her.
He lunged forward for her, but he was too far. The last thing she remembered was hearing him scream her name and then everything went black.
