Booth watched a few games on tv that afternoon, Brennan sleeping next to him on the couch. He tried to cheer softly, but the general ambient noise of the sports stadium was actually quite easy to sleep through. He had moved them around so he had her feet on his lap rather than her head, which would be pretty disruptive every time he got up to for a beer or some food, or his laptop or the bathroom… Booth had given her a shirt of his as a blanket, since he knew she found his scent comforting. He couldn't get over how fragile and vulnerable she was much of the time living with him. He was definitely looking forward to the time when she was his fire-spitting, bull-in-a-china shop Bones again. He couldn't wait to have her beside him chasing down the bad guys. And if these particular three were included in that number, he'd pay to see her kicking the crap out of them. The thought of it made him chuckle. It was a wonder she hadn't got herself killed already in the course of their partnership, the way she'd storm into a situation without thinking twice. It usually made his job more stressful trying to put the reins on her. She usually just ignored him.
.
Over the next week, Booth decided it was kind of nice to have some days off, to just sit at home watching sport and looking after Bones. She slept a lot, and wasn't hungry but would contentedly sip at soup or juice if Booth pressed her. Sweets told him those kind of things were to be expected for a few days after her flash-back and panic attack.
Brennan flipped through the world-records book a few times, seeming to like the familiarity of it, but didn't seem to feel like actually reading much. Booth had got a few anthropology journals from her apartment, and though they weren't the easiest to follow, if you didn't have a degree in the discipline, Bones always relaxed when he pulled one out.
He called Sweets a couple of times to ask for a bit of advice. Sweets was keen to get in Booth's good books again after losing Brennan. In a way Booth was doing the same things he'd done when he first brought her home—helping her stay calm or happy, and feeling safe, rather than being hyper-vigilant, which Sweets said was one of the big things that would slow down her recovery. She needed to reduce the stress her mind and body were put under. And it seemed, sometimes, she couldn't get enough rest.
'She's still Brennan,' Sweets reminded Booth three days later. She'd slept for twelve hours straight, then watched a movie and went back to sleep again.
'She isn't acting like herself yet. It's been six weeks. I mean, I don't mind, I like having her here but if she doesn't start improving soon, I think she's going to wonder if she ever will…'
'You have experience with torture, Booth. Sustained traumatic experiences can scar a victim for life, I hope that isn't the case with Brennan but she's not going to recover overnight. And you've told me she's improving in a few different areas. Remember when you found her, she was catatonic.'
Booth sighed into the handset. Bones was sleeping in the bedroom, sprawled out on her stomach and clutching a pillow. 'I remember,' he said. He didn't think he'd ever forget.
'From what her doctors at the hospital told me, she's always shown the most improvement around you. She needs the safety of the friendship you have with her. She's responding to you, and that's the best scenario she could be in at this stage.'
'What, as opposed to being locked in a padded room.'
'Don't sell yourself short, Booth. It just takes time. I know it's frustrating but that's just the nature of situations like this. Whatever you're doing seems to be working.'
Booth let out a long breath through his nostrils, gazing into the other room at Brennan. 'I just… I'm guessing here. I'm going off instinct, but sometimes that's not enough.'
'Are you saying you want her to start getting external treatment?'
'I dunno. Yes. Maybe. I think. Is that a good idea?'
'It depends on her, whether she wants to or not.'
'She's remembering more. I mean, I'm assuming they're memories. She was under a lot of drugs, separating fact from fiction is going to be near impossible.'
'You want her to remember more.'
'Well yeah. Or no, maybe no. It would be great to know more about these guys, she could be the key to bringing them in. But see she had two flashbacks, and remembered things, and... it's good to know what happened, but getting her to the point where she can remember… is… it's really… not fun for her. I promised her no one is going give her drugs or mess with her to bring back memories. I don't know if she could handle it.'
'I agree, it could slow down her progress,' said Sweets. 'Or even reverse it, if she's forced to think about things before she's ready. I mean each time she's had a memory come back, her recovery's gone backwards.'
'What we need to focus on, we need to bring those men in. McCullough. And we've got to make them talk. Maybe we can torture them…'
Sweets laughed with slight unease because Booth actually sounded pretty serious about that. 'Well yeah, having him in custody would certainly help, even if all it does is get him off the street. How are you going to find him?'
Find Victor McCullough, Booth thought. Man of mystery. Booth knew for sure this guy was a main player because Bones had a seizure from looking at his photo. But he was a bloody disappearing act. 'Don't know.'
'I've got his file here—'
'Yeah I've got it too. MKULTRA, neo-Nazism in Germany and Russia, Project Bluebird and Operation Paperclip. Don't mention this to Hodgins.'
'I think the really scary thing is that he's fallen off the radar for the last twenty years,' Sweets said, 'like, entirely. I mean to me that says whatever he was involved with, was too far underground for anyone to find him. He's not likely to be sitting at home knitting and drinking tea.'
'It feels like I'm chasing a ghost,' Booth said, rubbing his face with his hand.
'Yeah, a really scary, full-on freaky ghost.'
'How old are you Sweets?'
'I'm twenty f—are you paying me out again?'
'Nah, I'd never pay you out, Sweets. Bones would,' he added fairly. 'Okay, maybe me too.'
'Right.'
'Listen, you have a think about Bones, come up with any ideas and you get back to me.'
'Sure, anything to help.'
'Nothing intrusive. I don't want anyone to force memories out of her if she's not ready…'
'Totally. I'll see what I can come up with.'
'That'd be great. Thanks Sweets.'
'Sure.'
They ended the call, and Booth gazed again at Brennan. It was eleven-thirty on a Wednesday, and she was just waking up.
Brennan blinked her eyes open and found her attention drawn to Booth, who was standing in the doorway. 'Oh was I asleep?' she murmured.
'Yeah, you've been right out of it,' Booth smiled at her. He always smiled. It was a bit annoying, thought Brennan, it was kind of dumb to be happy all the time. But then it wasn't really happiness that made him do it. He was doing it for her.
'Booth?'
'Yeah.'
'Things are… okay, right?'
Booth looked surprised. 'Hey, yeah, of course things are okay. You mean with us?'
'No, I… don't know,' she said, sitting up.
'Hey Bones, look. I know you're frustrated with being at home all the time, not being out there doing all the stuff you did before. I mean things are moving slowly right now, but it's going to pick up, okay? Sometimes it's okay to just go slow.'
Brennan swiped at her eye and felt moisture on her hand. She didn't even know she was producing tears. It felt so silly. 'I just… I want to be back at work, and doing what I did before. Solving cases, being at the lab…'
'Well that's a good sign, that you feel that way. It means you're getting through this. If you didn't feel that way, it would be okay too but this just means you're feeling more like your old self.'
'I don't, I don't know if I was back at the lab right now I would handle it,' she confessed. 'But I want to be doing that anyway. It doesn't make a lot of sense.'
'Sure it does Bones. Conflicting feelings, they're normal, especially when things are complicated. The last few weeks you've just been going with the flow. When you start to get better it can feel a little weird.'
Brennan looked at Booth for a moment. 'You've been through this too.'
Booth shrugged. 'Well not to the extent you have. But yeah, I've gone through things.'
'In the army,' Bones said.
'Yeah, in the army. And a little bit in this job too.'
There was silence between them for a minute. Completely unexpected, Brennan suddenly felt overwhelmed with compassion for Booth, for whatever had happened. She wasn't used to being flooded with waves of emotion like this, especially when they sneaked up on her, just hit out of nowhere. Booth watched her with a tiny smile on his face. She wore her heart on her face, Bones, and he could tell what she was feeling sometimes before she could.
'But hey, Bones—I was thinking, today we should do something fun, don't you think? Cos we've been cooped up indoors for ages, you must be aching for some sunshine. How do you feel about checking out the zoo?'
Brennan pondered the idea. Animals. It sounded relaxing. 'Yeah, that sounds like fun.'
'Great. Okay, well I'm gonna go make sandwiches, how about we leave in forty-five?'
'Sure.' Brennan got up and grabbed her jeans and a top, and headed into the bathroom.
Booth whistled as he made them salad sandwiches, figuring Bones would like to go healthy and if he had one too he could totally make her laugh.
'What are you smiling about?' came Brennan's voice into the kitchen. Booth looked up and presented his handiwork.
'Ta da! Bona fide rabbit food, bon appétit!'
Bones grinned and took the plate he held out. 'Wow Booth, I'm impressed. How long is this new health kick going to last?'
'Well that depends, how long do I have to live in a hutch and sleep on straw?'
'Ha, so I guess you're saying that, no, not very long.'
'I'm a man, not a rabbit.'
'Oh, I thought you were going to say "a man not a mouse". Or "a chicken".'
'Hey, you got one! And it's mouse. You're picking these up, Bones.'
'Well I do have a steep learning curve.'
'A disturbingly steep learning curve.'
'What's disturbing about it?'
'Mostly the fact that you can beat me at black jack.'
'By banking the cards?'
'Counting cards, yeah and it's not allowed. You can get thrown out of the casino for that.'
'Well you shouldn't be in a casino in the first place, with your past history with gambling. I'd never let you go.'
'Aw, gee Bones, who's feeling romantic today?'
'What?—oh, no, I mean I'd never let you into a casino!' she said looking flustered.
'I know I know, just couldn't resist getting a rise out of you.'
'So you think my steep learning curve is keeping you straight,' Brennan said.
'Well I didn't say that…'
'You should keep eating these sandwiches then, or you'll turn into a chicken.'
'Now I'm confused.'
'… oh. You know, I think I'm confused too.'
'Eat your sandwich Bones.'
.
Booth could sense that Bones was up for a bit more today than she had been for quite a while. Although her muscles were shaky, her movements as she ate her sandwich were more deliberate. She was determined to get better and wanted to stretch herself- he could sense it. Well if she needed a challenge, he could give her one. It would be nice to have a taste of how things used to be between them, happily sparring away, just for a little while. It gave the assurance that even though process was slow and stilted, and sometimes went backwards, things would eventually change.
Half an hour later, the SUV was weaving through the light traffic, and Booth was insisting that Brennan wear a hat. Without wearing one himself. He didn't really care about the hat, but the familiar bickering was making him quite happy, and the vibes he was getting off her were that she was liking it too.
'I don't need a hat, it's not that hot!' she protested—more quietly and hesitantly than she would normally, but at least she was speaking her mind. Booth decided to spend today getting as much out of her as possible. And seeing his favourite animals, like the monkeys.
'Yeah, but you're going to be walking around a zoo, with big open spaces, binoculars and looking up at giraffes—'
'I've seen giraffes before, and there are trees. Plus you're only taking sunglasses!'
'Yeah well, your skin is fair. You'll burn easier. Just wear the hat, Bones, please?'
'If I do…. will you eat a salad for dinner?'
Booth groaned melodramatically as he turned off towards the zoo. 'Oh fine. You just like to take all the fun out of life.'
'By eating salad? Hats are boring, I didn't want to wear one.'
'Salas and hats, yeah, we are boring. But still. Do you wear a hat when you go on digs?'
'That's different,' she said, trying to access her memories from the many trips she had been on. It was difficult to remember much, somehow, but she was slightly proud of herself for being able to answer the question. 'On digs I'm outside nearly every day.'
'If you wear the hat I'll eat a salad. Compromise,' Booth said.
Bones held her hand out to shake on it. Booth took it and gave a single firm shake. 'Deal.'
'Does it matter how much tomato sauce and bacon I add into this salad?' he asked hopefully.
'I'm going to make it for you,' she informed him.
'Oh man…'
They found a parking space not exactly close to the entrance, but there were a good three or four cars further away so at least, in Booth's mind, they had won. Parker had written him a letter a few weeks ago about this game he and Lacey had invented, which basically consisted of declaring yourself to 'win' at things. Like, if you're first at the dinner table, you win. If you get the last piece of cake, you win. If you look at the clock and it's exactly something-and-zero seconds you win. If you have exact change paying for something, you win. Parker had filled up a whole two pages of things to win at. Booth had never seen his son coming up with so many things to amuse himself. Obviously forced confinement was making him more resourceful.
'Why are you laughing?' Bones asked as they made their way across the giant carpark.
'Oh.' Booth hadn't realised he was. 'I was just thinking about Parker. You know the last time I came to the zoo Parker was four. His favourite animals were the pigeons.'
'But pigeons are everywhere,' Brennan said confused. 'Wouldn't he like the lions more? Or the gorillas? – they are really magnificent!'
'That's what makes it funny,' Booth explained. 'Kids, sometimes, I mean you buy them an expensive toy but they have more fun playing with the cardboard box it came in, pretending it's a racing car or a spaceship.'
'Oh. Well then you might as well have given him just a cardboard box.'
'I know,' Booth grinned as they got in line for tickets. 'Put your hat on, Bones.'
Bones looped her arm through his and pulled it on over her ponytail.
'Two adults… yeah, on card… great thanks.' Booth handed Brennan her ticket, then caught her hand and made a beeline for the monkeys, dragging her along behind.
'Booth! The monkeys are right at the far end of the zoo, look at the sign!' she laughed.
'Yeah well, sometimes you should just get straight to the good stuff,' he said.
Brennan gripped his hand tighter as he charged toward the monkeys. 'Booth! can you slow down?'
'…I mean you never know what's going to happen next, right?—what?' He turned around to face her and saw her pointing at a sign that read "Dolphins". Well since they were her favourite animal, that would definitely fall under the heading of "getting straight to the good stuff". She was looking hopefully at him, then back at the sign.
'Ah, you're a quick learner,' he grinned. 'But you knew that.'
Staring at him, Brennan began to say that of course she knew that, but looking at that brilliant smile of his she couldn't quite get the words out.
They were suddenly having a moment. Out of the blue- one minute they were comfortably bickering, the next he was being drawn in by those expressive blue eyes. What made it all the worse, he thought, was the fact that she had no idea she was doing it. It was completely honest and artless. Even though she had confessed she was in love with him, she didn't need to say so. It was written clearly on her face. Booth reached over and tugged her hat down a little more securely over her forehead. 'Don't want that to blow off, you know, in the wind,' he said, mainly to distract himself. 'Hey—do you want ice cream?'
'What?' Bones asked, literally not having heard what he said.
'Ice cream, uh… there's a cart right over there, see?'
'Oh,' said Bones, looking behind her. 'Uh, sure…'
'Cos I am gonna have a peppermint choc-chip, two scoops,' Booth said quickly. Maybe if he stuffed his face with ice-cream he'd forget about those eyes. Why was this suddenly an issue?
'Oh,' Bones said again. 'I don't, I don't know… what I want…'
I do Booth thought. Shut up shut up!
'You should definitely get rainbow. It's the most magical flavour.'
'Why? What does magic have to do with ice cream?'
'Well it's on the label,' Booth pointed out. '"Magical rainbow," with four colours instead of three, that's pretty cool.'
'It is pretty,' Brennan said softly, eyes fixed on the blue, pink, orange and yellow swirls. She was relieved she didn't have to choose the flavour herself. She was out of her comfort zone today, and she didn't think she could handle the stress of choosing an ice-cream flavour, as ridiculous as it seemed. She didn't want to lose her cool, and she didn't want to lose it in front of Booth. She wanted to be stronger than this, because she wanted him to know what it meant that he was doing this for her. She wanted to be better for him.
Suddenly the pressure of all this was too much, and she needed to hold onto Booth. He handed her a rainbow cone, and she slipped her arm around his elbow, leaving him to balance his two scoops in his left hand. 'Ha, this is going to be tricky,' he said amiably, taking a big lick of his ice cream. Brennan carefully took a bite of hers, trying not to get any of it on her face. It seemed strangely harder because she only had one hand.
'It does taste kind of magical,' she said as they headed toward the marine-life section of the park.
.
They wandered through a sort of tunnel, with water above and all around as if they were in a giant glass bubble. There were starfish, sea cucumbers, dozens of types of coral, angel fish, and even a small tank with some cute little sea horses. Brennan watched the sea horses for ages, watching them move around in the water. Booth watched her reflection in the glass and she didn't seem to notice. But she looked peaceful and contented, and Booth stood with her until she finally said she was done. It was sort of romantic, this tunnel with rippling light and colour in every direction. The tunnel seemed to be air conditioned, although it was probably just cooler because of the mass of cold water above it. You could almost feel the salt water on your skin if you closed your eyes. You could definitely imagine the invisible barriers melting away, and being drowned in a literal sea of life. But it was almost a pleasant kind of fear, the kind of magic that would only happen in a fairytale—if the tunnel gave way, you'd probably turn into a mermaid and the water would no longer be a tank at the zoo but the Pacific Ocean or the Coral Sea.
Booth wondered if Brennan was being relaxed by the vibe. She probably was. She'd gone diving on a case, once, to rescue a human skull out of a tank, and it had scared the hell out of Booth. He kept bugging her on the head-set every five seconds asking if she could still breathe.
'We have to go look at the dolphins now,' said Bones, and Booth found himself staring into her fathomless eyes yet again. Dammit.
'Okay, lead the way Bones.'
Her hand still looped through his arm, she led him out the other side of the tunnel and up a sloped pathway, where you could see the enormous tank from another spot. 'They're supposed to be in there,' she said, scanning the water for them.
'Let's go up the top, I think that's where I saw them last time,' Booth said. 'Although that was like, eight years ago—whoa! This is new!'
There was a large pool— enormous actually. It seemed to stretch almost to the far side of the zoo. It was like a river in the park. 'I don't know if this is cruel,' Brennan said softly.
'Keeping dolphins?'
She nodded. A sign read that while dolphin shows and training was deemed to be unkind to these beautiful mammals, a number of injured dolphins caught in fishing nets had been rescued and relocated to the zoo, in an environment that mimicked their natural habitat as closely as possible. There was a donation box going towards protecting them in the wild, and at Brennan's face as she read the information sign, Booth slipped a couple of notes in. She smiled at him happily and kept walking up to a vantage point along the enclosure
'I'd love to see them in the wild,' she said softly as they gazed into the water looking for a glimpse of a dolphin. 'I know dolphins are one of the most intelligent mammals in the animal kingdom, and I think they would feel happier in the sea.'
Man. Booth hadn't meant for this zoo trip to be sad. 'Well why don't you do some research on it when you're feeling up to it. You could probably afford to buy them and get them sent back into the wild,' he said, only partly joking.
'I don't know for sure that they would survive, if they've been hand-fed for most of their lives…'
'Hey, Bones, look. There's a baby one.' She looked over where he was pointing.
'Oh wow!' she breathed, transfixed by it. An adult swam up behind it and circled around the baby playfully.
'They can't be too unhappy if they're breeding,' Booth pointed out.
'I'd still like to do some research,' she said quietly. 'But they're so beautiful.'
'Look, Bones, zoos have changed a lot since the old days,' Booth said as they wandered on through the park. 'Enclosures are larger, zoo keepers are better trained, they're strong on conservation and public awareness. For a lot of these animals, they've either been, you know, bred here cos they're endangered, or injured animals who've been rescued. So just, don't get all upset about it, not today, okay? Today just enjoy. You can go on a crusade tomorrow.'
This actually got a smile out of Brennan, as wistful as she was feeling. He has a point, she figured. Being upset today isn't going to do any good.
'I'll just have to choose to be happy today,' she said.
'That's my girl.'
'I'm not a girl.'
'You're eating a rainbow ice cream, staring at dolphins and sea horses. That's the definition of a girl.'
'Then I'm going to have to call you a boy, because we are clearly heading back towards the monkey exhibit.'
'You can call me whatever you want if you let me take a monkey home.'
'What? I can't—'
'I know, I'm kidding, Bones.'
'Oh. Ha, okay. I sort of knew that.'
'Of course you did.'
.
By the time the park closed, and the sunset was giving way to evening, and the streetlamps around the park lit up to join the stars. Brennan was gazing at the tigers, the last exhibit they would see that day. Booth had wrapped her up first in a jacket and then in is arms, and he reluctantly drew her away from the gorgeous animals and towards the gates.
'I don't know why, but I feel a lot better than I did thismorning,' she said, glancing up at him.
'Well, checking out God's amazing creation can do that,' he smiled. Brennan tried to burrow a little closer, but it wasn't really going to work while they were walking.
The car park was a lot emptier than when they arrived. Brennan hadn't really wanted to leave. There was something soothing about animals that she loved—their beauty and simplicity. It was much easier to understand a dog or a giraffe than a human being. They liked freedom, and food, and company, and sleep. Brennan sort of wished everyone could be simple like that.
'We're having pizza for dinner, by the way,' Booth said, pulling her close as they stopped to unlock the car. Brennan didn't point out he'd already promised to eat salad, but it didn't matter because it wasn't really about the salad. He thought he'd compromise by eating a lettuce leaf so he didn't feel too bad. Plus, there were veges on a pizza. Like mushrooms, and tomato paste. They totally count.
Brennan gazed out the window at the stars most of the drive home. Booth called their closest pizza shop so they could swing by and pick it up on the way home. On speakerphone, of course— he didn't think Bones was in the right place just at the moment to feel like ordering for them, and at the moment he felt compelled to drive super-safely, as if any bad habits on the road would somehow put her in more danger. By the time they got home the moon was out, shining brightly and lighting up the clouds around it. Bones kept gazing at it until they got inside.
'Did you see your favourite constellation?' he asked as they got into the lift.
'Delphinius? Part of it. There were clouds in the way,' she said softly.
Booth could get a pretty clear sense of her mood right now. She was leaning into him a lot, and looked sleepy. She probably wouldn't eat much and would want to do something familiar like watch the whale movie or read the world records book. It was weird, he thought that he knew her so well like this. But then again, they were practically a family, the two of them, and it wasn't weird at all.
Bones got tireder by the step as they made it into the apartment, and instead of going to the couch or the bed she stayed right beside Booth, still holding onto his arm. 'This…' she started to say.
'What?' he encouraged.
'This is going to change,' she said, and apprehension was clear in her voice,
'What's going to change, Bones?'
'This. Us… I'm going to be home, and you're going to be here…'
'Well one day, yeah,' he said. 'That's a good thing, Bones. You're getting better every day, you know that?'
She nodded fractionally.
'I know it's taking a while, but you'll get to the point where you don't need me. You will, I promise. You've been doing so well.'
Bones nodded and he didn't notice, but she was suddenly ridiculously scared. I don't want him to see, she thought desperately. 'I'm going to go take a shower,' she quickly said, and slipped into the bathroom with her pyjamas while Booth made his way through the pizza. Brennan couldn't help but cry in the shower and once she was out went straight to sleep to make sure he didn't notice.
.
.
.
A/N So there are some changes going on with Brennan…. hmmm. Also I totally have to shout out to Allie from her 'Hyperbole and a Half' blog, cos I totally got the 'win' game from there. Free ad.
