Previously: Violet waved away her objections "Other than for the absence of some blood on the sheets, for all intents and purposes you are and will be on your wedding night. And do not worry I am not going to discuss the mechanics of lovemaking; for time immemorial newlyweds have been figuring those out on their own and I do not expect that you and Matthew will be any different. No, I want tell you something of the nature of a man. The first thing you must remember is that a man's confidence is a very fragile thing..."

After he had finished his litany of woes Matthew picked up his glass, but instead of drinking he just stared down at the blood red liquid.

"Cheer up mate, you're experiencing some premarital jitters that's all. With maybe a little buyer's remorse mixed in." Bert tried to josh his friend. "It can only get better." It can hardly get any worse he thought to himself.

"I don't know" said Matthew. "I feel like a new pilot on my first mission and I've just flown out of a cloud right smack into the middle of Von Richthofen's flying circus. I don't know what in the hell I'm doing and I have a terrible feeling that I'm not going to last long enough to find out."

"There, there, no need to panic. At least not yet. Now let's parse your day." When Matthew nodded at him Bert continued. "Let's start with the easy ones. First of all, dinner - the talk we just had with Mrs. Patmore should ensure that it never happens again. As to why it happened" he held up his hands and shrugged "who knows? Just apologize to the ladies for being such an ass and then let it go." Bert sipped some port through his glass straw. "Next easiest is Mary and Sybil not being at the nursery. By your own admission you did not wait for them."

"But I don't know if they ever came back.." Matthew protested.

"Bet you a fiver they did before half past three. Well? We can ask the nanny."

Matthew put up his hands in defeat "No, no, don't bother"

"You must remember that each woman, from the Queen on down to the lowliest charwoman is entitled to be late and I would guess that a Countess is high enough up the greasy pole to rate at least half an hour tardiness. You had better just make allowances for it"

"My mother was always on time"

Bert snorted. "I'm not even married yet and I know better than to make a comparison like that. For the sake of your anticipated marital bliss I would suggest that you never, ever, compare Mary to your mother or your first wife for that matter. Next you'll be telling her that 'yes dear, that dress does make you look fat.'" Bert laughed and took another sip.

"So Master of all Mysteries Feminine what about her ladies maid and my new valet?"

"I agree with you that Mary overstepped her bounds but at this point I don't see any point to reopening the argument. What is done is done. Unless you want to fire the man, Molesley is his name? Which you're entitled to do if you want but I'd suggest that you pick another hill to die on."

"No I won't fire him " Matthew sighed "I know how bad the job market is. I'll see how he works out. But what about the next time she bites my head off for no reason?"

Bert considered this. "First make sure she doesn't have good reason for chewing you out. If she does you'd better take your medicine like a man and then apologize profusely. But if she doesn't - just kiss her."

Matthew stared at Bert. "Kiss her? What's that supposed to accomplish?"

"Look at it this way. If she has no good reason to be going after you she is irrational. If she is irrational then there is no rational argument you can use to convince her otherwise. She is a woman after all. Therefore the only solution is an irrational one, to wit: kiss her. QED" Bert gave Matthew a satisfied half grin, as if he had successfully proven how to square a circle. "Just be prepared to duck if she tries to slap you."

"Kiss her" Matthew shook his head. "So what about the separate bedrooms O Great One?"

"You said she didn't tell you what she meant by that"

"I went and looked at them. There are definitely two separate bedrooms connected by a closet."

Bert held up his hand. "Before you go off half cocked let her explain herself. Maybe there's a rational explanation."

"So what explanation did Edith give you?"

"Edith and I sleep..er will sleep together."

"There're not separate bedrooms at Locksley Hall?"

"There was but we're turning one into one of those luxury American style bathrooms" Bert half grinned at Matthew.

"So what do I do if Mary is not so accommodating?"

"Kiss her"

"Kiss her!" Matthew was exasperated. "Is that your solution to everything?"

"A good kiss is the only solution to a matrimonial Gordian Knot. Kiss your wife well enough and she won't want separate bedrooms"

Matthew had to concede the logic in that. Show Mary, don't tell her. "So how, despite never having been married, did you become the Magister of Matrimony?"

Bert pointed a somewhat shaky finger at Matthew. The port seemed to be sneaking up on him. "Those that cannot do, teach." He started to stand up "Let us rejoin the ladies."

Matthew laughed "Please Teacher, one last pearl of wisdom. How do I go about establishing myself as lord and master of this my realm."

Bert scowled at Matthew. "Having you as a pupil is like casting pearls before swine." He thought for a moment "Do you remember Col. Blake?"

Matthew certainly did. Colonel Henry Blake was a career army officer who was thrust into command of their squadron when it was first organized. He was not a pilot and he did not pretend to know anything about aerial warfare. When orders came down from headquarters he would add his own delphic embellishments and then leave them to be carried out by his executive officer and the other officers. He spent most of his duty time tying trout flies in his office. Whenever pressed to make a decision he would say that he would make the big decisions; they should make the small ones themselves. And as far as he was concerned there were no big decisions. It was probably the best run squadron Matthew had ever served in. "But the XO did all the work."

"My point exactly"

"But where could I find an XO like that...oh"

"Yes, you're marrying her next week."

"But I can't put all the weight on her."

"My understanding is that she's been carrying it since her father first went to war. Watch her and learn and then when the time comes you can take the load off Mary." Bert stood up. "So concludeth the lesson for the day."