AN/ You may want to check out ASASch93 after reading this chapter, it has some supplementary stuff.
Chapter 52: In which Riku trusts Kairi with a burden
Riku ended up going upstairs for a couple reasons. First was to ask Namine if she wanted to maybe be around for Sora's explanation, even if he doubted she did. Second was to just, plain, check on her. And, because he wasn't sure if he himself wanted to stick around for Sora's explanation. He got most of the important details. And, knowing his big mouth and the way he'd acted back on the Islands, he was a little worried he'd mess something up for Sora. That would be bad.
So, Riku went to check on Namine.
He knocked first—he was getting into the habit of that, with her—even though it was his room, too. Leon had mentioned that they technically had two spare rooms, and he and Namine didn't have to share, and as much as Riku loved Namine, he was seriously considering it. She needed her space, lately, and maybe he could afford to have his, too. He just, hadn't gotten around to actually moving rooms, yet.
Anyway, he knocked on the door, and after it had been ten seconds without a response, he poked his head in. Namine was not drawing, like he'd sort of expected her to be. Instead, she was lying on her bed, back to the door. He would've assumed she was sleeping, except she sat up just enough to glance over her shoulder at him, before flopping back down. Maybe she'd been sleeping…? Somehow, he doubted it.
"Uh, hey," Riku cleared his throat, and stepped the rest of the way into the room. It was not how he'd meant to start this conversation, but he still ended up saying: "Are you okay?"
"Tired," she answered him. She sounded wide awake.
"Right, well…" Riku cleared his throat again, idly cracking his knuckles. A new habit he'd picked up. Better than others. Namine flinched a little at each crack, but, he couldn't just stop halfway through. "Sora showed up. If, uh, if you want to—"
"I heard, and, no. I don't wanna."
"Right." Riku nodded. "Right."
Of course she'd heard. They'd all been yelling, and even if her hearing was not as good as his, it was still above average. These walls weren't that thick, anyway. No amount of shouting could be contained by a closed door.
Riku opened his mouth, wanting to say more, to talk to her more, about anything, but he couldn't think of anything to say. Anything good to say, anyway. Darkness seemed to fizzle under his skin—it would be at least another ten minutes before it would calm down completely after what had happened on the Islands—and it reminded him of his mortality. The words three weeks hammered in his head. He wanted to talk to Namine about that, more than anything else, but…
No. He couldn't.
"I'll just, uh, get a few things," he said, "and then I'll…" He swallowed before he could finish. Saying get out of your way felt like it would just put a wedge between them, and that was the last thing he wanted. So, he just didn't say anything. Instead, he moved to the beaten up bookshelf behind him, at the foot of his bed.
The bookshelf was small, coming up to his waist. Each shelf was only big enough to hold ten books, maybe fifteen if they were thin, and the thing was missing a shelf and half its backing. It was a recent addition, salvaged from the ruins of someone else's house. It held the next couple of books Riku planned on reading, along with all the books he and Namine had grabbed to look through for Sora, and the notebook Riku was taking notes in. Outside of the stack of sketchbooks and pencil case on top of the dresser on the other side of the room, it was the only character this room seemed to have.
Riku considered the shelf a second, then grabbed the notebook and the book he was currently looking through for Sora, and after some quick deliberation, the novel he was in the middle of, as well.
"I guess I'll let you know when they're gone?" Riku said, turning back to Namine. She hadn't moved. "And then, um, maybe we could… do… something?" He wasn't sure what, exactly, but, something.
"Maybe. Thanks."
Riku swallowed, feeling very odd to leave it at that. He couldn't think of anything else to say, though. He tucked the books under his arm and headed back downstairs.
Everyone was too focused on Cid and Sora yelling at each other to notice him as he slipped away from the dining room and into the living room. Riku settled—quietly—on one of the couches, then sighed. Rather than open the research book, he opened the notebook instead, and started adding to the list of things he knew about Sora's Shadow—or, Kano. The list was the only thing in the notebook, because research had otherwise been a dud so far.
There wasn't much to add to the list when it came to their conversation on the Islands (it wasn't like Riku was going to write down Kano loves Sora), but there was plenty to add, if he just listened now. He could hear every word spoken in the dining room from here, and so without disrupting them, he could just take notes on what was being said, no problem. It was a good use of time, Riku thought. It wasn't like he'd have been able to focus on either of his books with all the noise, anyway.
He'd filled just over a page by the time they were done talking. Leon left to go deal with a Restoration thing, Cid trundled up to his room, and Yuffie plopped down on the other couch and started playing one of her video games. Sora and Kairi stayed in the dining room with Kairi's dad, carefully explaining to him just what a Shadow was. Riku read over his notes again, deciding whether or not he should write anything Sora and Kairi were currently saying down, but then Aerith was clearing her throat to get his attention.
"Here," she said, holding out a star shard to him. She did not force it into his hands. "Now you won't have to use dark corridors to get everywhere."
"Oh. Thanks," Riku said. He took it from her.
Aerith smiled and looked cautiously at him. "You know how to use it, right?"
"I got the general idea."
Riku set the star shard on the couch next to him. Aerith studied him a moment longer, and then she was nodding, and she kept smiling like nothing was wrong. Like nothing was wrong.
"That's good then," Aerith said. She sent him one last encouraging smile—he tried not to grimace at the sight of it—and then she headed off.
Riku swallowed hard. There'd been a tightness in her eyes. Something between worry and fear, and it was there almost every time she looked at him, lately. The words three weeks pounded in his head again. He tried to shake them out.
"Hey, Riku," Kairi said, tapping him on the shoulder. He jolted a little, glared at himself for a second, then looked up at Kairi. He made himself stop glaring murder, but he still sent a pretty annoyed look at her. "Sorry," she said. "My dad wanted a tour of the town. Wanna help me out? I have no idea where to go."
Riku stared at her for a moment, though he understood well enough that she was asking, hey, please come with me, without actually saying it. "Uh, sure," he said.
Kairi beamed. "Cool!" She turned and, in a voice thankfully suitable for indoors, called: "Sora, you coming?"
"I should really sweep up this sand for Aerith," Sora called back. "And also get my shoes probably."
Kairi rolled her eyes, and reached into her pocket. "I'll go—" she began, but Riku caught her by the hand. He let go the moment he had her attention.
"Actually, can I… talk to you?" he asked. "Alone, I guess." His heart beat in his throat. He felt a little queasy, but those words kept pounding in his head, and… "Please?"
Kairi studied him, then shrugged.
"Here, Sora, take my star shard," she said, heading to give it to him. "Dad, stay here a sec. Me and Riku shouldn't be long. If we do take too long, though, Sora, can you tell Namine? She said earlier she'd go with me on the tour, but…"
Riku closed his notebook and sighed. He understood Kairi's hesitance when it came to Namine. Maybe he should also talk to Kairi about—no, it could wait. Just a little. "Don't get your hopes up," he said, though.
"Yeah," Kairi agreed, with a heavy sigh of her own. She opened her mouth, then closed it, and shook her head a little. Clearly she'd decided against saying whatever it was. Instead, she said: "What was it you wanted to talk about?"
Riku piled his books on the coffee table and started moving for the door.
"C'mon."
He led her to a spot around the back of Aerith's house, though well away from the back door. Close enough to be found in an emergency, but not close enough they'd be overheard.
Kairi studied him with narrowed eyes once they arrived. She almost looked like she expected the worst. Maybe she was right to.
"Alright, spill it," Kairi said.
Riku swallowed. His heart felt like it was in his throat more now than ever. He made himself cough, to clear his throat, to make it easier to breathe. It kind of helped.
"Look, I, I'd talk to someone else about it," he said. "But, I just… I don't want to bug Namine, and I can't even try to talk to Aerith about it because she won't listen." Maybe this wasn't the best way to begin, but, he'd already started. "And, as much as Yuffie and Cid are family, they aren't, they're kind of lacking in the emotional support department…"
That left Leon, but… Well, it wasn't that he didn't like Leon. Leon was alright. But approaching Leon about anything wasn't as easy as approaching Aerith or Namine, and, since Kairi was here now, that seemed a lot easier.
"Okay, got it," Kairi said. She put her hands on her hips. "Are you gonna spill, or what?"
"Well…" Riku sighed. He just wished he knew she wouldn't take it too hard. "Listen, I know… I know that Even's working on it and stuff, but, that doesn't really change the fact that, I mean—I've only got three weeks. If this doesn't work out, I've- I've only got three weeks."
"You aren't going to die, Riku!" Kairi said, almost before he'd finished.
Riku chewed his tongue. Caught himself picking at one of the patches of dark suit embedded in his arm, stopped, squeezed it instead. He was glad she hadn't burst into tears or anything, or changed the subject, but this was almost as bad!
"Kairi, please!" he shouted. "I know that they've got time to figure it out, and I know that Even knows what he's doing and that chances of me actually dying are slim, or, whatever. I know." He glared at her, hard. Her expression softened a little. "I just want someone to actually acknowledge it might happen. I just want someone to talk to me about what happens if I do. Three weeks isn't that long, and you know it!"
Kairi licked her lips.
Slowly, she nodded.
A dread seemed to settle in the air around her, but that didn't change the fact that she had nodded. She was willing to listen. To give him straight answers. To just talk about it, and Riku was almost overjoyed.
"Are you talking, like, in a metaphysical 'is there an afterlife' sense?" Kairi asked, hugging herself. There was an unsteady laugh in her voice. "Because, I'm definitely not the person to ask about that sort of thing."
Riku forced himself to laugh with her, so that she would know he understood that as a joke. He did not think it was very funny, though. He did not think she did, either.
"No," Riku assured her. He had to pull his hand away from his arm to keep himself from picking. Clenching his fist in front of his chest wasn't really the same, though. "I just mean, like… afterwards. If I do. What… what will you guys do?" That's what he wanted to know more than anything else. "I just- I just wanna make sure everyone will be okay."
Tears welled up in his eyes. Kairi watched him, worry crinkling her face. Riku bit his lip to keep it from trembling, and then, once he was sure it would not tremble any more, he continued speaking:
"I… I know you're not, really, thrilled about the thought of me dying." Or, Kairi hadn't been too thrilled the last time the subject had come up, but, then they'd been talking about suicide, so, perhaps it was different. She raised her eyebrows and nodded slightly, though. Riku kept going. "And… I'm sure Namine'd never forgive herself." It was not her fault, but that didn't mean anything. "And- and Aerith—"
There was a catch in his throat. His heart stopped for a second. He grabbed at some of the skin on his arm and pulled, trying to distract himself from how hard it was to breathe. He had to keep going.
"She- she's finally able to live with herself after what happened to Zack. Wh- what if I? What if I die? What happens to her then?"
Kairi stared at him for a moment, eyes watering. Then she turned away, pressing a hand to her face.
Riku watched her, waiting. Waiting. He made himself let go of his arm. Shoved his hands in his pockets. He felt stupid doing it, felt stupid standing here holding a serious conversation with his hands in his pockets, but it was the only way he could think of to keep his fingers from his arms. Those spots really itched, and his skin still burned from where he'd pulled. He was going to really hurt himself if he wasn't careful, and the last thing he wanted was to explain bruises or broken skin to Aerith.
Finally, Kairi turned back to him. She balled her fists at her side. Her shoulders shook.
"I… I don't know, Riku," she said, like each word was an effort to form her tongue around. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what…" She just shook her head, and kept shaking it.
"It's okay," Riku told her, maybe too quickly. He always did that. He just hated seeing his friends upset, especially because of him. He swallowed. "I'm… It's okay. Sorry I…" But maybe he shouldn't apologize for wanting to talk about this. "I mean, I just—I just wanted someone to acknowledge the fact that- that I can die, that this might not work out, instead- instead of pretending like everything's gonna be just fine."
"No one wants to think about that possibility, Riku," Kairi told him. Her voice was grim.
"I know." Riku nodded. His hands worked inside his pockets. "I know. I don't want to think about it either, really. But I…"
He had to think about. There was no avoiding it. He trusted Even, of course—at least, more than he trusted Vexen—but with even a chance he could die…
He had to think about it. He had to.
Kairi nodded. She understood, thankfully.
"Yeah…"
She licked her lips. Hugged herself again.
"If- if it doesn't… if you do…" Kairi worked for the words, but they wouldn't come out right. Rather than trying, rather than saying it, she just shook her head, and continued. "We'll all… miss you. A lot. A- and…"
She took a deep, shuddering breath.
"I just want to make sure everyone will be okay…" Riku said.
Kairi nodded again. Shrugged.
"I just, I can't really, speak, for anyone?" she said. "I mean, if- if you do, it…" She shrugged again, harde this time. "I don't really think that, any of us, would, forever… y'know…"
She couldn't seem to finish. Riku nodded at her, to show he understood what she was getting at.
If he did die, she didn't think they'd grieve him forever.
That was good to hear. He didn't want anyone's lives to come to a halt because he'd…
He cleared his throat.
"If, uh… if, I do…" He coughed. Grimaced. Looked at the ground instead of Kairi. It wasn't just her. He was having trouble saying it, too. "Can- can you look after Aerith, maybe? And- And Namine, for sure." Riku grimaced harder, but for different reasons now. He looked up at Kairi. "She's… been going through a lot, lately. Even without me, y'know, about to—she's having trouble. Namine is. After being Rewritten."
Surprisingly, Kairi nodded. "Right. Yeah. That… that makes sense."
Riku raised his eyebrows. Kairi waved the matter away with her hand. Her expression told him he wasn't going to get any more out of her if he asked.
So, instead of asking about that, Riku said:
"Though, I guess… I should ask—when it comes to Namine—if you could… look after her. Despite me… y'know."
Kairi nodded.
"Got it."
It felt like he should leave it at that—Kairi was definitely starting to look uncomfortable—but there was just one more thing he wanted to say. Just one more thing.
His voice trembled as he made his mouth form the words.
"Kairi, I've- I've never been this scared of dying before…!"
Tears burned hot in his eyes. He'd wipe them away, but he kept his fists clenched firmly in his pockets, instead, and let the tears fall. He figured Kairi'd get this, more than anyone, since she was the one who'd confronted him about suicide—not that he would've, of course! But she'd get this fear, inside him. She'd get it.
"I've… I've never—" Riku licked his lips. Tried again from a different angle. "Before I, I didn't really care much about it because it never really felt like I had, well, much to live for?" It felt weird to say, but he didn't stop. "But- but now. There's sooo much. There's so much, and I- I don't wanna… I don't wanna die." He could feel himself shaking. "I don't wanna die!"
"I don't want you to die, either!" Kairi told him. She was crying, too, and her voice was sharp enough to make Riku jump. She took a second, a sob of laughter, and then: "But… But Even says he's gonna fix it. Alright? He's got time. You're- You're not… There's time to fix you."
Riku let out a shuddering half-sob through a clenched jaw. Then he said the one thing that scared him more than anything else.
"Three weeks isn't that long."
Kairi nodded. She didn't even argue.
"Let's just hope it's enough."
Riku nodded back at her. He blew out the air from his lungs. Counted to ten. Then he reached up and wiped his eyes. Kairi started talking again.
"I- I think if another week goes by, though, and Even hasn't, like, figured anything out yet?" she said. He nodded, to show he was following. "I think you should talk to someone besides me. About this. Namine may be going through a lot, but I think she'd want to know. And, I don't know about Aerith, but, I mean…"
She did not, but Riku was sure she wanted to say Aerith would want to know too.
"Yeah," he said. "I gotcha."
"Good!" Kairi smiled at him. She reached over and pushed his shoulder, playfully. "Hey, feelin' any better?"
Riku nodded again. He finished wiping his eyes, shoved his hand back into his pocket. "Yeah. Loads. Thanks."
"Sure. And, hey." Kairi looked at him very seriously. "You're not gonna die. Because, if you do, I'll kill Even. I will!" She punched her fist into her other hand a few times to emphasize her point.
Riku laughed a little.
He was touched, even if that was impractical, and, knew she probably wouldn't actually do it.
"Thanks, Kairi."
She grinned at him.
"Don't mention it!"
They headed back for Aerith's house.
"Hey, by the way," Kairi said, after only a few seconds. "Is, uh? Is Namine not wanting to fight at all connected to her, well, being Rewritten?"
Riku thought for a second, then nodded. Yeah. That would make the most sense. He hadn't really thought about it before now, but now that Kairi was asking, and he was considering what Namine had said this morning… "Yeah, pretty sure," he said.
Kairi nodded with him, then she stopped walking entirely. "Oh, wait, what the hell!" There was a fierce frustration in her voice. "I knew that!" She smacked her forehead, then scoffed with disgust at herself. "I mean, honestly, how different is 'I don't want to fight Heartless' from 'I hate conflict at all'? Geeze Louise!"
Riku stopped walking as well, since Kairi apparently wasn't going to start again.
"I can't believe myself!" she said. "I literally cannot. I shoulda known all this!" She threw her hands in the air, starting to pace as she raved. "Sora says he notices something's wrong with Namine, and I knew it's because she'd been Rewritten, but I just go and forget about it this morning? What is wrong with me!"
"Uh, Kairi," Riku began. He didn't know quite what to tell her, but, he should probably try to say something.
Kairi just shook her head. "No no, don't worry about it," she said. She sighed. "Not your fault, and not much I can do to fix it." She nodded forward. They both started walking again. "Guess I just forgot with everything that was going on with Sora." She rubbed her hands together, then looked at Riku expectantly. "How is Namine doing…?"
"Well…" Riku shrugged. "She definitely hasn't taken being Rewritten well, that's for sure. I mean, obviously. She's." Riku bit his lip. "She's jumpy all the time, and…" Except, he didn't know how to put it into words. Just the sense he got around her, that she wasn't okay, though it was in much more than just how she moved (slower than normal) and how she spoke (less than normal). Instead, he went with: "And… she's mad at me because I don't really know, exactly, what she's going through so she thinks I can't help."
"That's bullcrap."
"Well, it's not like I do know how to help, though."
Kairi considered that, then considered Riku. Slowly, she nodded. They'd reached Aerith's front door by now, but they stayed outside, finishing their conversation.
"Good point," Kairi sighed. Sounded like she didn't have any bright ideas either. "Just… be there for her? Don't let her completely curl in on herself. I dunno. That's all I got."
"Alright." It was a start. "Should we make her come with us around town?" Riku asked. "I mean, if you think so, then alright, but we kind of had a fight this morning—" it wasn't, exactly, a fight. But, still. "—and I think she just wants her space?"
"Well, we'll see if Sora's gotten her to agree to come," Kairi answered. "If not, we'll leave her alone. I'll drop by tomorrow. When, uh, there's time. Sora's got training, and since there's only one star shard between us…"
"I can come get you, maybe?" Riku offered. "Since, I've got a star shard now…" He'd left it on the couch, though. Oops.
"Sounds good," Kairi agreed. Seeing that was the end of it, Riku opened the door.
Surprisingly, Namine was standing next to Sora and Kairi's dad at the dining room table. She wasn't looking at anyone, and her hands were clutched tightly in front of her, but, she was there. She cracked a small smile at the sight of Riku and Kairi. Riku smiled back.
"Oh, we ready to go?" Sora asked, once he saw them as well. He moved to join Riku and Kairi, Namine and Kairi's dad not far from behind him. Sora squinted as he got closer. "Whoa, hey, you two okay?"
Riku looked at Kairi for her lead. She just put on her widest smile. "What, yeah! We're fine!" she said. She laughed and stuck her tongue out at Sora. He stuck out his tongue back. Riku smiled, and Kairi's dad laughed, too. Namine didn't say anything, but, Riku thought he saw her smile…?
"You showin' us around town?" Kairi's dad asked, looking at Riku.
Riku nodded. "Yeah, I guess," he said. "One sec." He went and picked his star shard up off the couch, shoved it in his pocket. "Alright. I guess we're good to go?"
"Never pictured you as a tour-guide!" Yuffie called, from the couch.
"Aw, shut up," Riku told her.
She grinned toothily at him. He grinned back.
"Let's go! Let's go!" Kairi was already back out the door. "We don't got all day!"
Riku waved at Yuffie, told her they wouldn't be long—she could pass that on to Aerith—and then nodded for Sora and Namine and Kairi's dad to follow him outside.
