Day 1
'Tohsaka-san? Tohsaka-san.'
Rin blinked, snapping out of her daze and noticing that her new homeroom teacher was staring at her once again. This had happened before. This had happened more than a few times this past week. It was Thursday. Practically an entire week had gone by since that night Rin couldn't forget. She rubbed her chest unconsciously, trying to gather her thoughts and seem more composed than she was.
'Yes, Kasumi-sensei?'
Some of the bolder members of the class let out small snickers. Rin sounded as though the teacher had imposed upon her rather than the other way around.
'I'm asking you to please pay attention. You're falling asleep. I do not want to make an issue of this again.' Kasumi Yukari was still new to the point of being slightly intimidated by Rin's infamy within Homurahara Gakuen, but she was getting bolder by the day, and Rin really didn't have the patience for it still.
'I apologize, sensei.' Rin replied with the utmost of forced sincerity. Kasumi Yukari was young enough to recognize the mocking tone in Rin's voice, but she was also inexperienced enough to simply let it slide, seemingly picking her battles.
Once Rin thought it possible, she allowed herself into another disconnect, her mind anywhere but in the present within a mundane, repetitive cycle of boredom and near-depression. She knew she should be stronger. She knew she would be eventually. But the pain that had supposedly healed in her chest pulsated uncomfortably. She checked her phone every chance she got, knowing there wasn't a message, and not caring either way. Waking up the image was all that mattered. It was tangible. It made her feel something, if very little.
Rin drifted through the rest of her classes in a similar state of affairs. Kaede, Ayako, Yukika, and Kane made an effort to converse with their friend, but they could all tell that something was amiss, and although they tried adamantly at first to break Rin out of her sudden shell, it proved futile, and all they could do was wait until Rin was ready to become her usual, carefully crafted persona they knew and loved.
Sakura and Shirou faired a little better. Sakura, especially, drew some kind of life back into Rin's eyes. The couple reminded Rin of Her. They reminded Rin of that glorious week where life flowed through the Tohsaka's veins like never before. Now, it might as well have been a dream. It would be less painful if that were true. Rin checked her phone again, nearly bumping into Shirou and Sakura at the end of the day near their shoe lockers.
'G-good evening, Rin-san.' Sakura bowed slightly, eyeing her sister with care.
'Hello, Sakura-san. Hello, Emiya-kun.' Rin picked at her locker and a letter came tumbling out. She didn't even react to the sudden appearance of paper as she changed her shoes and clicked her brown outer footwear into place.
'How are you feeling today, Tohsaka-san?' Shirou picked up the folded piece of paper and handed it to the girl.
'I'm fine.'
'You don't seem…fine.' Sakura pried. She still had a festering bitterness toward her older sister, but more of her cared for Rin than not; primarily since their brutal confrontation within Mount Enzo. Additionally, Sakura sympathized truthfully for Rin, and had even asked if she wanted to get together once or twice, to no avail.
'Well…' Rin unfolded her note and sighed heavily. 'I will be fine. For now, I just need time, I suppose.'
'That's understandable.' Shirou crossed his arms, Archer's limb long gone and something about his outer appearance just slightly off. Rin presumed the boy had been saved somehow by Illya, but the exact method wasn't worth looking into. Sakura was happy, and Shirou was safe. Did anything else matter? No. The cheerful couple were living together now, with Taiga's blessing…and constant supervision. It was a positive turn of events for Sakura, and Rin found some solace in how her sister's story ended up, at least.
'What does it say?' Shirou nodded toward the slip of paper.
'Someone wants to meet with me at the side of the school.'
'Oh! A confession?' Sakura was very much interested in any form of gossip, surprisingly. She claimed it was more or less an interest in human behaviour, but Shirou always teased her about it regardless.
'More than likely. It would appear mopey Rin Tohsaka has fans as well.' Rin rolled her eyes.
'Moe is a thing, isn't it? Issei's gone into it on me before.' Shirou tried to contribute, his ignorance on such matters making Sakura grab hold of his arm and squeeze it tightly.
'I might as well see who it is.' Rin handed Sakura the note and strode off, waving behind her. She valued Sakura and Shirou's friendship, honestly. She could be herself with them, and they understood, to a degree, what Rin was dealing with. Rin had a feeling she was nearly at the turning point of her emotional recoil. The numbness was settling into her heart. She would have to change her phone's wallpaper soon. It just made sense. Why continuously rub salt in a wound? Only deep scarring could result from such foolishness.
Rin rounded the school building's corner, her winter uniform and jacket keeping her somewhat warm against the particularly cold wind that had been blowing since the end of her war. The sun was out, at least, if setting slightly to cast a warm hue across the school grounds, and if Rin were a normal high school girl with normal desires, these sudden turn of events may have sent her heart aflutter. Nonetheless, she was still considered one of Homurahara's idols, so she couldn't claim to be inexperienced when it came to confessions of any kind.
Sure enough, a young man waited for Rin, nervously adjusting his uniform's jacket and checking his phone. He was better looking than most, Rin would admit, and she thought perhaps he was on the soccer team. She had seen him before; that much Rin was sure. He stood almost a full foot taller than Rin, and his hair was grown out but permed in a fashionable, if slightly flamboyant, style. Rin smiled a little bit. There was something to be said about such a typical scene. There was comfort here. This was the first step to moving forward.
'Ah! Tohsaka-san! Thank-you for meeting me.' The boy gave Rin a polite nod, his cheeks immediately flushing in anxiety. He wasn't used to submitting to his emotions, and Rin could tell this was a step outside his comfort zone.
'I'm Junpei Kotsuda, and I'm one of the starters on the soccer team. I'm a midfielder. This is my last year at Homurahara Gakuen.'
'Hello, Kotsuda-kun. I think I've heard of you, actually.' Rin shifted her weight and crossed her arms, aware of what sort of effect this had on most of her male peers.
'I'm honoured. I've…noticed you haven't been yourself as of late. Is there anything wrong?'
This was new, and Rin couldn't hide the momentary lapse of control on her face. She regained herself easily, but she had to give Junpei credit; he at least seemed to care about her wellbeing, to a degree, rather than simply attaching her name to his.
'There are some issues with my family, but it is nothing I will not get over given some time.'
'…I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe this is a bad time, then.'
Rin was smiling again. Well played, Junpei. If Rin were actually looking for companionship, this young man would rank fairly high for a suitable candidate.
'No. It is no worse or better than any other time.'
'I-I see.' Rin could see Junpei steadying his nerves and mind. His eyes gained a sudden amount of focus, and then he took a quick breath of air before going on. He bowed his head low, ridiculously formal, and spoke in a barely controlled tone. 'Then allow me to bother you with this daring confession. I am very much interested in you, Rin Tohsaka, and it would be my honour to take you on a date some time in the near future.'
"Honour". The word nearly knocked Rin completely off balance. She couldn't even control the tears that instantly lined the bottom of her eyes. Before the boy could raise his head in expectancy, Rin wiped the frustrating remnants of her true feelings with the back of her sleeve.
'…T-thank-you.' Rin managed, relieved that she had successfully hidden her fragile mental state from this near-stranger. 'Your sincerity and honesty is admirable, and I will say this much: you're certainly one of the more desirable suitors I've had up until this point.'
Junpei's eyes lit up against his will, and it was clear he resisted the urge to smile like a fool.
'Then…!'
'However, I must decline. I am sorry.'
The immediate switch from optimism to defeat was difficult to watch, but Rin wouldn't lead this young man on. It was the worst thing she could do.
'…Can I ask why?' Junpei responded eventually, his mouth tight.
Rin owed him that much. Maybe it would help to say aloud.
'Because I am in love with another.' She replied quite simply. Rin then bowed and bid the boy farewell. If she remained any longer, he may pry further. It was a kind release. It was more than what Rin had been given.
Shirou and Sakura had actually waited for Rin, willing to walk her home before returning to their little pad of paradise. Rin was thankful for the thought, but she declined the offer nonetheless. She just wanted to be alone in the setting sun. The quiet of a normal day was both vexing and relaxing in its own way. Rin could get used to this. She wanted to. She wanted to go back to the way she was before the war. She felt invincible. She felt powerful. She felt as though nothing could hurt her.
Rin Tohsaka was the winner of the fifth Holy Grail War. It was a title that should have made her float as she walked back to her empty manor. Somehow, however, it just didn't elevate her the way she expected it to. The goal was to win the war. She didn't care about the wish…initially. If only she could have made the wish now though. If only she could have done…something.
Rin rubbed her stomach once more, feeling where her body had been severed brutally. There was hardly any scarring, yet she felt the pain. It made her wheezy every time, and she had to steady herself on a light pole before taking the final corner on her block and making it to her manor's gate. She noticed, prior to entering, that she had been delivered some mail. Rin almost didn't bother, but she relented and grabbed the small bundle of envelopes against her unenthused desire to do so.
'I'm home…' Rin whispered, closing her eyes long enough to await a familiar voice to welcome her back and call her Master. She had done this everyday since Her disappearance without a word. It hurt every single time. Rin threw her school bag onto the couch she had snuggled on while watching a "fantasy of a film", and started up her record player, amplifying the volume so loud that she couldn't hear anything but her persistent thoughts. She haphazardly laid out her mail upon a small coffee table in front of one of her chairs, and nearly discarded all of the papers into the trash before noting a singular, rather ornate envelope beckoning her eyes to its elaborate seal and pristine writing.
Her hands shaking, Rin ripped open the letter and read through its contents with a focus so pure that the blaring music managed to fade into the background.
"Dear Rin Tohsaka,
It is my pleasure, as the assistant director of the Mage's Association, to welcome you to a celebratory gathering in your honour as the victor of the fifth Holy Grail War in Fuyuki City. Enclosed you will find the necessary resources needed in order to make your journey to the Clock Tower seamless and comfortable. You are, additionally, invited to bring up to three guests as "apprentices" in your name. I ask that you be aware of your place in the magi's world, and consider your future in relation to your namesake and recent accomplishments. I look forward to speaking with you personally, and will presume your attendance unless otherwise noted.
Sincerely,
Lorelei Barthomeloi."
Rin placed the letter down and didn't move, resting her hand on the table and simply staring at nothing. This was the first step in her career as a magus. Her future was playing out before her and she didn't have time to wallow in grief any longer. The magi association would frown on her for being "too emotional". Lorelei was someone of extreme presence and placement in the magical world. Rin couldn't refuse a direct invitation from her. The Tohsaka name was on its way to becoming one of the greatest known to that realm thanks to Rin.
But she hadn't done it on her own. Far from it. If anything, Rin had more help than she wanted to admit. Obviously the war leant itself to being fought with as much assistance as required, but Rin hardly felt as though she had earned the victor's title as much as the association seemed to suspect.
Rin went through the papers and the details. She had two weeks. The trip was paid for. Everything she could ask for would be accommodated. She would be ready by then. She would be prepared to step into her future. What better way to forget Her than to delve into the magi's world and prove her worth as a capable mind to be valued? This was Rin's dream. It was all coming together…save for one painfully missing piece.
Her father's classical music suddenly had a strange undertone to it. Initially, Rin figured the record was just getting old, but then she recognized the combination of sounds, quickly grabbing her phone from her school bag and answering it without even checking who might be trying to reach her.
'Hello?'
"Onee-san?"
'Sakura-chan…' Rin sighed, relieved somehow and turning down her music. The familiarity between the two girls instantly brought some calm to Rin's storming mind.
"I was…worried about you. I thought you might want to talk."
'Oh. Thanks. I'm doing okay.'
A pause. Rin wondered if her phone got disconnected and checked, just to be sure.
"I don't believe that."
Rin almost smirked. For Sakura to be forward with her, it must've been bad.
'…Well, I'm trying. I think I'll be a little better after the weekend. I just need some rest.'
"Maybe." Sakura's blank spaces in the conversation were almost grating, but there was a comfort in the two sisters talking so naturally as well. Rin at least got this out of the Grail War. She and Sakura weren't completely back to the way they had been before the Matous took the younger sister, but progress was being made, and Rin found such warmth in Sakura's acceptance, strangely enough. "Can…I ask you a question?"
'…Of course.'
"Okay. You don't have to answer if you don't want to."
'I know.'
"Heh. Right.' Sakura waited a moment, her breaths obvious. She was getting better, but there was still such an awkwardness about her when it came to confrontation of any kind. Rin would have to work with her on that. They didn't need another explosion of rage that ended with one of them practically dying.
"I…I want to know: did you…um…love Her?"
A wave of heavy, dark anxiety forced Rin's mind off balance, but she pushed air through her nose and did her best to answer her sibling as honestly as possible.
'Between you and I, Imouto…' Rin's mouth almost froze, prickles forming along her lips. She stared at the "First Knight's" DVD case, refusing to return it just yet. 'It doesn't matter anymore…'
"Oh…" The old Sakura would have given up right then and there, but this new version of the damaged girl was much more persistent. "This must be…so difficult." She lowered her voice. "Shirou still thinks you two were just very close friends, but…I could tell. I was…pretty jealous, actually. You were full of affection for Her, and She looked at you with such…such…"
'Stop.' Rin's voice quivered, and she rested her head in her hands, managing the phone haphazardly. 'P-please. Stop. I can't…'
Sakura had almost never heard Rin sound so vulnerable and broken. It took her completely aback, and she almost started crying with her sister.
"Onee-san…I-I'm sorry."
'No. No, I'm sorry. Thank-you for being worried about me. I'll be fine. I need to go.'
"B-but…Did you want to come over? O-or I could sleepover there. Shirou won't mind either way."
'Thank-you…' Rin whispered. 'But I just need some time to myself. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Thank-you…again.'
Sakura didn't want to release Rin right there, but she knew how stubborn Rin could be, and she was still growing within the older girl's shadow confidence-wise.
"Okay. Please let me know if I can do anything."
'I will.' Rin had herself a little more under control now, but she needed to get away from this talk immediately. It was throttling her heart. 'I love you, Sakura-chan. Goodbye.'
"I-I love you too." A final pause. "Goodnight."
Rin lay in her bed with a thin two-piece nightgown on. A strap from her shirt hung off her one shoulder, and her loose shorts revealed her curved bottom thanks to the way she bent her legs on the comforter. She hadn't bothered to get under the covers yet. A candle climbed down to its death in the slowest way, its end covered in white slime. The night had come finally, and Rin's subconscious volleyed for prominence over what would convince her brain to submit and give way to rest.
It was the same dream as always.
The same nightmare as always.
That moment Rin had regained her awareness of life.
She couldn't be sure how close to the truth her memories were, but they seemed accurate enough.
Rin had awoken outside of Mount Enzo resting next to a tree. Her clothes were in complete shambles, her shirt revealing an enormous tear where Sakura had wrecked her insides with an vast and brutal blade created from her own begrudging malice. Rin remembered the immediate embarrassment, the bottom of her stomach and breasts partially exposed with the black lingerie beneath torn up slightly as well.
"Saber?" She had called out in her mind. "What happened? Is Sakura still in there?"
Rin had reached for the Gem Sword, feeling its fragility and fearing for its stabilization within the world. It was still with her.
"Saber…?" Rin called again. It had taken the young woman longer than usual to put the pieces together. Perhaps she had been already in denial. Details in the dream sometimes shifted, but one truth remained consistent every time: The moment Rin lifted her hand and realized her command seal was gone. The war was over. Her servant…was gone.
The nightmare fluctuated from that point usually. Sometimes Rin rushed back into Mount Enzo and searched for Saber, pushing through the murky water and reaching at only shadows. Other times Rin gave way to the instant sorrow, crying until she couldn't see or hear anything. The final scenario, perhaps being the most disturbing, Rin found herself suddenly in Zouken's basement, a young Sakura glaring over her as crest worms burrowed into Rin's skin and violated every hole on her body. Rin always had to force herself awake from this particular route, the sensations of the horrible worms preventing her from further rest.
Tonight, there was a different ending. After Rin acknowledged that her command seal was gone and she was the victor of the war, a soft light enveloped her and said kind words in a language she couldn't understand. It was like that of English, but much harsher yet romantic at the same time. Her skin was caressed, and her lips were brushed with the utmost of gentility. Rin was familiar yet frightened of the entity, nearly giving herself to its warmth but hesitating at the last moment. She then found herself clothed in a simple, yet beautiful white dress, standing amidst a field of blue grass and an orange sky. The wind pushed at Rin from every direction, and the red sun pierced through the clouds, painting the open plain a rich violet as though it had become a breathing amethyst. Rin took a deep breath, the pure, clean air filling her lungs with a soothing remedy.
Quite suddenly, a hand took her own, and Rin didn't even have to look to know who it was. She didn't look. She couldn't look. Why couldn't she turn her head? Why wouldn't she gaze upon her morning glory? There was such relief and comfort in the touch, as though the two hands had been specially crafted to fit into one another perfectly. Rin shivered, the wind cool, but the contact ever warming her.
'Master.' A voice cooed, and the dream ended.
