XLVIII
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Throughout almost the whole first week after coming back from his trip, the Sultan didn't feel hungry.
He still ate, though; but not even half the amount he had usually; just some bits were enough to make him feel like he'd throw up if he kept shoving food into his mouth. His mind was somewhere else, and even though he kept insisting on making the traitors talk about the man who had plotted his father's dead, he refused to attend more tortures.
He knew Haruka had done the right thing by refusing their encounter to escalate, he knew he had done the right thing by letting him go. He knew that, had things gone the other way, missing Haruka would be even more painful than it already was.
But the Sultan couldn't shake the regret off him.
Eventually he managed to focus on important things again, though. He hired a servant to taste everything he or his family ate, to make sure nothing was poisoned, he talked to different nobles to get an idea of who was more suspicious. He tried not to think about how he should have asked Haruka about that instead of getting carried away by feelings that wouldn't help anyone.
He started his personal crusade against tradition, too. At first he wasn't sure, but after Aki wrote to him, making clear how obvious Rin was, after thinking about how it would increase other noble families' chance to be related to the royal family, he supposed the Council wouldn't find only disadvantages. Rin started with dropping hints, but soon he publicly stated both male and female candidates to marry him would be welcome; and not even a week later he made clear he would be actually more interested in men. After talking to Gou, the Council became a bit more open to the idea, soothed by the certainty she would give birth to a legitimate heir to the throne.
It made his insides twist painfully in a knot that made breathing difficult, but for some weeks the only answer to his statement was silence. Sousuke refused to tell him his opinion, but after an apology for not having guessed how things were herself the Sultan's mother reassured him: they were just surprised, and they would need to prepare different candidates to marry him.
His mother's soothing voice didn't ease the knot within Rin. He didn't want to marry a man; he wanted to marry Haruka.
He wondered how long it would be until he forgot wishes that lead nowhere.
The answer terrified him.
.
Somehow, the pain stopped making his breath hitch. Rin didn't really notice it; instead of missing Haruka, of hearing his voice in the wind and feeling his touch in the brush of his sheets, he focused on his duties as Sultan, and he was usually too tired to think of anything when he finally dragged his feet to his bedroom at the end of the day.
The pain subsided to a dull ache, one that only stabbed him when he awoke from dreams that left him painfully aware of Haruka's absence, when he swam alone in the natatorium and felt, for a fleeting second, a non-existent presence next to him.
Yet he dared believe he was almost alright.
.
Something happened not too long afterwards, though.
It was on Gou's birthday; that night there was no moon. Instead of working, Rin ate and drank with his family, enjoyed the troupes his sister had personally hired and laughed at their performances. If not drunk, by the time he walked back to his room he was tipsy in the very least.
He didn't see the note on his bed at first. He frowned when he laid down and felt it under his arm and pushed it away, but eventually he was consumed by curiosity.
He read it, but he didn't really see much in the dark.
He read it again at a candle's light.
And again.
And it might be the alcohol, or the fact that he recognised that handwriting, but a single tear trailed down his cheek.
.
A guard saw the Sultan walk down a hallway in the middle of the night.
A servant saw someone running through the gardens.
A beggar saw a hoodied figure rush down narrow streets.
Rin saw a smile when he reached his goal.
.
Afterwards, nobody saw the Sultan.
