A/N - Happy Hello Kitty Monday! :) This is one long chapter but I really love it. Let me know what you think!
It felt like the most natural thing in the world when Leonard slid an arm around Penny, his hand coming to rest just below her shoulder, pulling her into a gentle hug.
In that moment, Penny found herself feeling more comfortable and calm than she had been at any point during the past week. Feeling herself relax into his side, she closed her eyes for a moment to just take in the tranquility. Opening them again, she took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, but feeling much more at ease.
"I had an audition on Saturday." Penny began slowly.
"Oh, you never told us that! How was it?"
"Mm, I didn't bother telling anyone. No-one really cares anymore, nothing ever comes of it." Penny shrugged into him.
"Hey, don't say that. You know we all care. Why would you think that we don't?"
"I dunno." Penny paused, sighing. "Anyway, it was awful. I spent so long practicing my audition monologue and I actually thought I had it down pretty well. I was kind of nervous and I only messed up once, but I thought I did a good job overall."
"Well, that's good then, right?" Leonard asked.
"Nope." Penny shook her head slightly, squeezing her eyes shut to hold back the tears she could feel threatening to fall from her eyes. "They told me... they told me I shouldn't bother wasting peoples time when there are thousands of people out there better than me. Then the director told me I also shouldn't waste my own time because I won't be getting anywhere no matter how hard I try."
"Oh, that's horrible!" Leonard exclaimed. He felt her sob against him, but she didn't say anything further, so he simply held her closer and rubbed her arm gently. "You don't want to be working with somebody like that anyway. You'll find a part where the director isn't a total ass and it's something you enjoy."
"Easier said than done." Penny mumbled, drawing her knees up to her chest. "It just made me feel like crap, to have someone say that to my face right after I put myself out there with their stupid monologue."
"Clearly they weren't being professional. It's not worth it. I bet their play is going to suck anyway."
She let out the smallest of giggles, before raising her head to look at Leonard seriously. Her eyes were still slightly teary, but she didn't care. "Do you think I'm wasting my time, Leonard? With this whole acting thing? I mean... I haven't really done anything worthwhile. My classes are going well but in the real world it's just... I don't know if it's worth being turned down over and over again after trying for so long. It's kind of difficult not to take the 'constructive criticism' personally these days. Even people who are just starting out don't want me for their work."
"Of course it's not a waste of time." Leonard said quickly, his voice sure. "It's your dream, you shouldn't give up on it, no matter how long it takes. You know it's not easy in the industry, you told me that yourself. If your classes are going well, and you're happy with them, then you're on the right track. It's not a waste of time at all. You're very talented, and you need the right people to see how amazing you are. But promise me one thing, okay?"
"What?"
"Next time, at least tell me you've got an audition, so I can wish you luck."
Penny blushed, though she wasn't sure why. She just felt touched that he was actually interested, and that he actually cared so much. "Okay. I will." He smiled at her, and she rested her chin on his shoulder. "Then I guess I should tell you I had another audition, but I haven't heard back from them yet."
"Really? What's that one for?"
"Yeah. It's for a commercial. I'm not getting my hopes up, it's nothing big, but I think it went kinda well."
"Maybe your luck will change then." Leonard grinned. "Not as big, but still something, right?"
"I guess."
Shifting her head back to rest on his shoulder, Penny frowned slightly before biting on her lip. Her mind was brought back to what had really begun bothering her in the first place last week. She figured Leonard would understand, and even if he didn't, he would still listen to her and she needed that. Chewing on her lip as he continued drawing small patterns on her arm with his fingers, she mulled over how much she could say without bringing up the parts that he was involved in - or if, perhaps, now was a good time to. She'd simply have to face it and see how things went.
"Leonard?"
"Yeah?"
"Has... have your parents ever said they're disappointed in you?"
"Umm, well, my mom has." Leonard sighed. "My dad at least had the decency not to say it out loud. Why do you ask?"
"I-" Penny bit her lip, stalling. "You remember my dad, right?"
Leonard let out a small chuckle. "How could I forget him?"
She couldn't help but smile at this a little. But only for a moment, as she moved on to the point in her question, surprising herself at how easy it seemed to be talking to Leonard right now. Perhaps it was easier because she was beyond vulnerable these days, but right now his comfort overpowered whatever fear she had in her.
"He's... okay, no... so, you've met my dad, but you haven't met my mom." Penny could practically feel him raise his brow in confusion. She found herself linking her arm with his, her hand fiddling with the material of his jacket as a nervous distraction and safety net. "My mom is... when she was younger, she did all sorts of stupid things. She drank a lot, she was reckless, and... and then she had three kids and spent years trying to settle down with a guy who was just as crazy as she was. That's why they're so intent I don't end up raising kids in a house on wheels, I mean, look how me, my brother and sister turned out, and they didn't start their own life so great either."
"Well, I think you turned out pretty great." Leonard said, shyly.
"You have to say that, you're my-" Penny stopped and frowned. "Anyway. So, she really gets us, and she knows how to talk to us and really get us to talk, especially me. That's what makes our relationship so... weird. I love her but I also spend a lot of time hating her and just not talking to her."
"Is that why she didn't visit with your dad?"
"Kind of." Again, Penny paused. She considered lifting her head to look at Leonard, but decided that not looking at him right now was probably best, so she could focus on what she had to say. She hesitated for a moment, and he waited patiently for her to continue, knowing all to well that pushing her to talk would most likely close her off. "Leonard, I told my mom what happened between... between us. And she told my dad. They both know what we did."
Leonard stuttered for a moment, caught off-guard with her comment, before settling on "oh."
"Yeah," Penny gulped, before moving on quickly so as not to dwell on the 'what happened between us' part too much. "So... there's that. And you remember how I told you I'd paid my bills and would get round to paying the water bill?"
"You didn't pay it, did you?" Leonard said quietly after a few seconds of silence.
"No." Penny shook her head, closing her eyes to prevent the tears she could feel building again, but still not letting go of Leonard. "After telling my parents that things were going well with work, letting them know that I had stopped drinking so much and that me and you were trying to be friends... for a moment they were actually proud of me, Leonard."
"And they should be!"
"I had to ask them for help paying my bills." Penny said blankly. "And they said they're disappointed in me. Disappointed. They weren't even mad, I can handle them being mad at me. But... they said after all this talk about how I'm doing better and growing up, I'm still reckless enough to waste my money on alcohol without thinking of the consequences, giving myself the easy way out, and then come back to them expecting help from them every single time... they're disappointed in me, Leonard."
Leonard simply held her in his arms, bringing his free hand to rub the arm she had linked through his. He felt her body tremble with sobs she was trying so desperately to suppress, but didn't say anything, just letting her take this how she wanted to. Parental disappointment was something he knew all too well, but had unfortunately grown accustomed to. It still hurt though, even though he was older and almost expected it, it was painful to hear. And to Penny, it must have been a thousand times worse. For struggling, vulnerable Penny, who was going through a difficult time with her career, and had been searching for her fathers approval for years, being told by her parents that they were disappointed was probably the last thing she needed to hear. He wasn't quite sure what the right thing to say here would be, so he just continued to hold her and rub her arms comfortingly.
Penny willed herself to keep calm; Leonard being so close to her was helping greatly, but her mind was screaming at her for denying him so many bits of information that massively contributed to how upset she was. And yes, her audition and what her parents had said were a large part of why she had been so completely down this week. But that was on top of what she didn't tell him, what she couldn't tell him: that seeing him with Priya, and trying to keep their own relationship to just friends, and Priya's constant reminders that that was all she was to him, were like wounds she thought were healing but kept opening at the worst of times. At the same time, having him so close and her need for an emotional release made it a little more difficult to keep everything to herself, yet a little easier to disclose enough of her problems to help him understand more of why she was so upset.
"You know why else they're disappointed in me, Leonard?" Penny said eventually, opening her eyes to look at the floor. Her eyelashes stuck with tears but she didn't notice. "Because from the bottom of their hearts, they truly believe that you are the most sweet, wonderful, smart and caring guy in the world. They saw the smile you put on my face that nobody had before and I could never stop talking about how great you were. My dad especially thought you were awesome... a keeper, I think he said," she let out a small chuckle here, before a tight, pained smile that was almost a grimace spread across her face. "My dad said what right do I have, to go meddling in your relationship when I was the one who messed our own relationship up."
She turned her head quickly to press her face into the side of his arm so he wouldn't see her cry. All she could feel was the wash of fear over what she had just told him, his warm, comforting, inviting arms and the occasional contraction she felt run through her body with each sob she couldn't suppress. It felt like too much, and she wanted to run, but she couldn't. Right now, even though every part of her was trying to close down from being so open, she needed to be in his arms. It was all she needed to be both terrified and relaxed, a state in which she could talk to him but still hold back the parts that would make her far too vulnerable.
"Penny," Leonard said quietly, when minutes had passed without her saying anything and he felt her calm down. "If I talk, will you listen to me?"
"Alright." Penny mumbled into his arm, before turning her head once more to rest on his shoulder, clinging tighter to his arm.
"I'm glad your parents like me so much... it makes a change, you know, from my parents. But what we did, is something we did - not just you. You're not meddling, Penny, and you're not the one who messed things up."
"Leonard-"
"No, Penny, listen." Leonard shook his head, sighing. "I'm the one who is in a relationship, I'm the one who is meddling in your life when I shouldn't be. You have a right to do whatever you want."
He waited for Penny to say something, and continued on when she stayed quiet. "I think your parents are just disappointed because they know you've been doing better and they don't want to see you going back to drinking and falling behind on your bills. And you told me they said they were proud of you - I bet they're more proud of you than they are disappointed. Remember that, Penny. Your parents are proud of you, and so am I."
"Hmm." Penny mustered in response.
They sat again in silence, but a more content one this time. Although Penny hadn't told him everything, and he hadn't tried to talk about exactly what had been happening between them as Kim had suggested, their talk was refreshing. Leonard had expected her to shut him out entirely, maybe sit there and just tell him that she'd had a rough week, like she often did. Penny hadn't expected it to be this easy, and while parts of it were terrifying, she knew it was only easy because of Leonard. She had amazing, wonderful, supportive friends who she knew she could turn to, but it was Leonard with whom she felt most comfortable and found the courage to get things off her chest. She had her girls for when she needed to talk about things like sex, or things that were happening with Leonard, or girly things like clothes and make-up. But almost everything else, she would speak to Leonard about. In fact, things happening with Leonard was probably the only thing she didn't speak to him about - they did talk about sex, and girly things, as well as his nerdy things. He really was the one person she felt she could talk to anything about, when she was brave enough to let her walls down. Whether is was her sex life had been blogged all over the internet, when Dave Underhill had tried to take nude photos of her without telling her he was married, even when she'd simply had a bad day at work, or was just upset over a TV show, it was always Leonard that she wanted talk to.
At the thought of this, for the first time since her week had gone completely downhill, Penny felt a full, proper smile form on her face.
His next comment only made her smile wider: "Oh, and Penny, please don't ever think you can't come and talk to me about stuff. Even if I have to come over here in the dark with a light saber. I don't want to see you upset like that again."
"Thank you, Leonard." Penny said, sincerely, with a smile on her face.
"Any time."
Glancing over at the glass of wine on the coffee table, Penny bit her lip. "I probably wasn't even going to drink that wine, you know. I kind of just poured it out of habit and put it there in case I really did end up needing it. And I did not."
"That's good." Leonard smiled. "I don't mind you having a glass of wine... it was just the constant drinking that was worrying. And I knew you were upset, so when I saw the wine when I came in I just thought... I didn't want you getting carried away."
"I'm much better with it now." Penny told him. "And it's all because of you, you know, Leonard. Even Kim is impressed, because she's seen me... real messy. Like, I'm pretty sure drinking was the foundation of our friendship - and hating those stupid uniforms at work. Anyway, somehow even she knew that I had stopped because of you. So... again, thank you, Leonard."
"It's okay." Leonard smiled shyly; he wasn't used to people saying thank you to him with such sincerity over sensitive issues.
"Hey, speaking of Kim," Penny sat up, grinning at him, but keeping her arm linked with his. "Yesterday she e-mailed me a picture of a cat that looks like you."
"A cat that looks like me?" Leonard raised a brow. He was pleased to see that although Penny still looked tired and worn out, the depression on her face had almost completely gone and been replaced with a genuine grin.
"Yeah! It's wearing these dorky glasses like yours."
"Cats don't wear glasses."
"I know, but this one is for the picture. Look, I'll show you."
Somewhat reluctantly, she unlinked her arm from his and got up slowly, before walking over to get her laptop from the dining table. He watched her with a smile, before lifting himself up onto the couch. He figured since she was less upset now, sitting comfortably was a better option.
"Okay." Penny dropped down next to him, again snuggling herself into him as she opened her laptop and waited for it to load. She folded her legs up beside her, and he put an arm around her shoulders again. "Ugh, come on, this thing is so slow. Oh, here we go."
Clicking on the e-mail icon, Penny drummed her fingers as what she called the 'circle of doom' indicate she wait for her more-than-slow laptop to load up her email. When it finally appeared and pushed her new e-mails through, Leonard let out a chuckle. "No wonder it's so slow, you have a lot of unread messages there."
"Mm, I haven't checked them today." Penny frowned. She clicked on the top one, quickly skimming through as she made her way down. Leonard was used to this; she would open her laptop to show him something and then end up checking e-mail. Four e-mails down, she saw Amy's name, and clicked on it, seeing it had been sent only a few hours ago with the title 'Useful things'. "Huh."
Her eyes widened as she read it.
Hello bestie!
I found these articles online for you. They are some very effective-looking tension relieving techniques for ladies (some require a toothbrush, some a chew toy, and some neither - which I thought was good, considering you have neither an electric toothbrush nor a functioning chew toy). I have tried some of them, but some of them I haven't - we will have to compare notes at our next slumber party!
Kim just saw this and says you will probably need them tonight since you are seeing Leonard. She told me earlier that she has a black belt - I will assume this is karate, as opposed to some kinky costume. Though this wouldn't surprise me, she has a bosom to defy both Bernadette's and your own.
See you later (or, if you are reading this after the dinner, it was nice seeing you)!
Amy Farrah Fowler, PhD and BFF :)
"Oh. My. God." Penny could feel her face burning and her jaw drop.
"Umm." Leonard furrowed his brow, staring at the email.
Staring at the screen with horrified expressions, it was almost a full two minutes before Penny's brain kicked back into action and hit the 'down' key to move on to the next email.
"Uh..." Penny let out an awkward giggle. "That's, uh..."
"We can just pretend I didn't just see that e-mail." Leonard said, despite the fact that his brain was in the gutter and filling him with questions that were definitely not appropriate to ask his ex-girlfriend.
"Yeah." Clearing her throat, Penny shook her head slightly, wishing the couch would swallow her up there and then. She went cautiously through the rest of them until she reached Kim's email. "Oh, here it is."
Alright panties, just saw this cat that looks like Leonard and thought you should see it! :) Hope it makes you smile! xxx
"Panties?" Leonard scrunched his face up at her as she clicked on the link after Kim's message.
Penny looked at him and shook her head. "Don't ask. Please."
"Hmm. Okay."
"Look, here it is!" Penny grinned, now distracted, and pointed to the screen.
Leonard laughed as he looked at the picture. He didn't really see the resemblance, aside from the glasses, but it was funny anyway.
"It even has the same confused little face as you!" Penny practically cooed, looking from the screen, to him, and then back at the screen. "Though... yours is less furry, obviously. It's a little Leonard cat!"
"What confused face?" Leonard asked.
"You're doing it now!" Penny giggled, when she looked back at him to see the confused expression she had been talking about. "Aww."
"If you say so..." Leonard shrugged, smiling. "It is a cute cat though."
"Of course it's cute!" Penny exclaimed, setting her laptop down on the coffee table now. She sat back to cuddle into him again, linking their arms. "Kim sent me that to try and cheer me up a little. It kind of worked, though it's definitely funnier and cuter today than it was when I got it."
"Well, I'm glad you're feeling better." Leonard began drawing small patterns on her arm. "You certainly looked like you could do with some cheering up yesterday."
"I know," Penny sighed. "Like I said, it was one of those weeks. Guess it could have been worse, I'm lucky PMS didn't hit at the same time. Ugh."
"Yeah, that would have been bad. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"If you don't want to answer, you don't have to."
"Okay." Penny turned her head to look at him inquisitively.
"When we come to the Cheesecake Factory, you always bring me my food. Yesterday you didn't. Why was that?"
"I don't know. Just all the stuff that was happening that week, as you can tell, really got to me. I couldn't not serve your table, so I just thought at least I could make it easier by just not serving you. I know it doesn't make sense but... that was my logic at the time."
"Okay," Leonard replied quietly. She had said it doesn't make sense, but he understood where she was coming from.
There was a moment of silence, before Penny let out another small giggle.
"What?" Leonard frowned.
"I was thinking about the Leonard cat again." Penny grinned at him.
"It's doesn't really look like me."
"Mm, it just reminds me of you. It's the glasses. Alright, I'll think of something else." Not what's in the articles Amy sent me, Penny told herself. "How's work going? Anything new yet in the world of physics?"
"Not really." Leonard shrugged. "Just doing the usual experiments and occasionally using the equipment to warm up my lunch."
"You're such a nerd. Why can't you just warm up food like a normal person, why do you have to use your science lab equipment to do it?"
"That's easy: because I can." Leonard said, as though this was obvious. "And it's quicker. It takes like... 3.02 seconds to heat my chicken and cheese wrap to the perfect temperature of not too hot so the wrap is soggy, but warm enough for the cheese to melt slightly and the chicken seasoning to bring out it's taste and aroma."
"Cheese?" Penny raised a brow.
"Lactose free." Leonard clarified.
"Can't believe I asked about work and you're telling me about your chicken and lactose free cheese wrap." Penny shook her head in disbelief.
"Well, it's the most exciting thing I've done this week at work, so," Leonard shrugged. "How's your acting class going? Did you do that scene from the script you showed me the other week?"
"Not yet, we're doing our presentations next week." Penny explained. "But I've really been getting into it and I know all the lines. I didn't go to my class this week but I did spend time working on the script by myself, so I'm feeling pretty confident about it. Well, as confident as I can be when it comes to something I've never really tried before."
"I'm sure you'll do great with it. At least you're giving it a shot, even if it's not your forte you'll have something to work on if you ever go back to a piece like that. Then you can use your feedback to build your confidence with it or explore other characters and play genres."
"That's true." Penny nodded thoughtfully. "You sure you're not, like, secretly an actor?"
"Yeah, because being a science nerd always made me want to put myself out there and embarrass myself in front of loads of people." Leonard chuckled.
"Aww, I think you'd be pretty good."
"No, I wouldn't." Leonard shook his head. "I was nervous enough playing my cello in front of my music teacher and then at a small concert the school did. I did like studying the plays though in our Literature classes."
"Ah, Literature was one of the classes I was actually good at in school." Penny grinned proudly.
Leonard pulled a face of mocked shock. "Penny was actually good at a class in school?"
"Shut up!" Penny giggled. "I was good at Literature, and History, and Drama classes. Though honestly I can't remember most of the stuff I learned back then but, yeah, I got my best grades in those."
"Hmm, impressive."
Penny yawned. "Yeah, not quite advanced math and all those classes you took, but I got good grades."
"Still-" Leonard shuffled as he felt then heard his phone ring. He let out an involuntary sigh when he saw it was Priya calling, and said a quick "sorry" to Penny before standing from the couch and answering. "Hello?"
"Hello?" Priya, on the other end of the line, sounded confused. "Leonard?"
"Yeah?"
"Oh, sorry, I called the wrong number." Priya laughed. "I'll see you tomorrow."
With that, the call ended, and Leonard rolled his eyes as he shoved his phone back into his pocket. He found himself mumbling "yeah, see you tomorrow after you've called Sanjay," which he didn't realize he had said out loud until he saw the confused look upon Penny's face.
"She... she was meant to call Sanjay?" Penny asked quietly.
He had almost forgotten that Penny already knew about Priya's texting Sanjay, and sighed. "Well, she didn't say that, but she said she'd called the wrong number, so..."
"You can't be sure it was him that she's calling." Penny tried to reassure him, standing up too now and putting a hand on his arm.
Leonard shrugged, before looking up at Penny suddenly as though he had just remembered an incredibly important bit of information. She looked at him questioningly.
"Penny, I'm really sorry for what happened earlier at dinner. Priya and Sheldon were both out of line for doing what they did, or saying what they said... it wasn't fair to you. You should have been able to enjoy some time with all of us together."
"No, Leonard, it's okay." Penny was touched by the fact that he was apologizing so profusely for his friend and his girlfriend. "Sheldon was just being Sheldon and... I would have done the same as Priya, if I was in her position. It's okay. Everything just seems a gazillion times worse when you're upset, it's fine."
Leonard hesitated for a moment. "I don't know... she was doing those things on purpose, I could tell. And you looked so uncomfortable, I felt bad, you were already upset-"
"Listen, honey, don't-" Penny sighed, deciding to rephrase. "It's always going to be a little bit uncomfortable, and a little bit difficult, and a little bit upsetting for me. Whether or not it's on purpose, that's just how these things are. It just got to me more today than usual because I was upset, sweetie, but you shouldn't be apologizing for something you didn't do. If the tables were turned you would feel the same."
Contemplating her words, Leonard watched as Penny slowly and gently rubbed her thumb over the skin of his hand. Admitting those little things, that it would always be difficult for her, always came as a surprise to him. He could tell that she got upset sometimes, but she very rarely admitted it.
Without a further thought, Leonard pulled off his jacket and then his hoodie. Before Penny could ask what he was doing, he draped his hoodie neatly over her shoulders and smiled at her.
"Leonard, what-"
"In case you get cold, or... or if you need me and I'm not there. Or if it just matches your new jeans, or you need something to throw on over your uniform before work. I want you to have it."
"Leonard." Penny smiled sweetly at him, bringing her hands up to curl around the top edges of the hoodie. Oh God, don't start crying now, Penny, just talk. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." Leonard replied, smiling sheepishly. He couldn't help but think just how adorable she looked in his hoodie, snuggling into it as she stifled a small yawn. He chuckled, and she put her arms into the sleeves so she was wearing it properly. "You should get some sleep."
"Yeah, I think I will." Penny nodded, shuffling over closer to him. "Thank you for everything, Leonard. For the hoodie, for the talk, for coming over, for sitting on the floor with me... thank you for being my handsome, nerdy best friend."
With a small shrug, she stepped in to hug him. They held each other tightly for well over twenty Mississippi's, eyes closed, smiling. Savouring the closeness and the intimacy the hug brought, they held each other closely. Penny planted a kiss on his cheek, and he reciprocated, before pulling away.
"Goodnight, Penny." Leonard smiled at her, putting his jacket over his arm.
Penny walked him the few steps to her apartment door, thankful that for once her will to just lie down in bed wearing his hoodie was stronger than her will to pounce on his and show him her appreciation in much more exciting ways (though his now exposed arms were certainly rising a battle). "Goodnight, Leonard."
In the moment before he turned to open her door and leave, they both felt that inevitable sexual tension again. They stared intently at each other for what felt like hours but in reality was only a couple of seconds. Penny cautiously moved her hand towards his face, but in the last moment dropped it down and past him to open the door for him.
"I... goodnight." Leonard said quickly through a dry through, turning abruptly and leaving.
Shutting the door, Penny sighed as she turned the lock.
"Oh balls." She mumbled, as she headed back to her couch for her laptop. "I'm going to need those articles in the email tonight. Emotional wreck and horny ex-girlfriend... ugh, worst combination ever."
