Author's Notes: We're on the downswing now, over 2/3 of the way through!
Giles was in a lens-cleaning frenzy. "If you are suggesting having – carnal relations with Spike while I am here…"
Buffy blew out a breath. "Well, I was kinda hoping you'd go back to the other cave, honestly".
The Watcher gave an unmanly squeak and then composed himself, saying gravely, "I understand your reasoning. However, Buffy, in the first place this soul likely isn't a curse, so it is doubtful that your method of removal would work. Second, this was Spike's decision. Something I'm sure he did not come to lightly, or without much effort on his part. To attempt to remove it – it would render his decision worthless, and you would be dishonoring him by doing so".
"And letting him die is better? The soul is killing him". Seeing Spike trapped by his own conscience, Buffy was terrified for him, willing to do whatever it took to get him home.
"Don't you think he would want to find another way? We haven't the means to remove a soul in any case".
"Okay. Let's go back to Plan A. Try to leave while the guilt ghosts aren't around. Maybe as long as he stays unconscious…"
"I suspect they'll simply reappear when he wakes. And drive him back here".
Frustrated, she groused, "So, what, I have to play vamp psychologist if we want to get Spike home?"
"I believe so".
Buffy sighed. "Whatever. I need to eat, then. So I can feed him more. He's so… that's got to be half the problem there". She shivered a little. "Any chance you could get a fire going? For our sakes?"
"I'll go scout for some firewood".
"Thanks Giles". Buffy gave him a tired smile. "I'm glad you're here".
Sitting on the cold floor near the small fire, amidst the litter of granola bar wrappers and water bottles, Buffy tried to coax Spike into taking more of her blood. She'd fed him twice more, each time when he was unconscious, but he still wasn't nearly as healthy-looking as she would have liked.
And now he was awake and outright refusing. In fact, the idea seemed to be driving him even further around the bend, so she gave up.
"Can't take – can't drink – not with their eyes on me!"
The ghosts were back, and their eyes were definitely on Spike.
"How about… if we could catch an animal – like a rat. Would you eat?"
"Filthy disgusting creature. Only right. Live in the filth. Angelus had the gist of it. Rats and alleys, ashes and sackcloth, but never atonement".
Buffy turned helplessly to Giles, who said, "I'll see what I can find".
She turned back. "Spike, look at me".
He did, and a wistful smile appeared on his face. "Buffy. Look at you. You glow. What's a word means glow? Gotta rhyme". He scuttled backwards, away from her. "I should hide, hide from you, hide my face. You know what I did".
She followed slowly, trying not to spook him. "Yes, Spike, I know what you did. You turned yourself into a good man. You held back your demon. You even… you even got a soul". His eyes were fixed on her now, pleading for something. "Why did you do this, baby? I loved you already. You didn't need a soul to earn my love".
"Did. Understand now. Wasn't enough, was never enough. Hurt you, killed you, didn't I? Had to become the kind of… who would never do that". He was crouching with his head in his hands. "Was only an act. Pretend game. Be a man, don't hurt the girl. But the girl gets hurt".
Buffy reached out and pulled him to her. "You didn't kill me. What are you talking about?"
"I did though," he sobbed into her chest. "Got mad. Let the demon have control. Broke my promise, wasn't there. Too late. Too late to save you. Had to watch you jump, fall, broken. Never do it again. Put the soul in, take the demon out. Except – it doesn't go, does it? Still wants what it wants".
She felt his face changing against her, felt his body tense. Her senses were going haywire, but when he exploded within her arms and shoved her violently to the hard ground she didn't resist. Spike held her down, and gone was the broken man. In its place was a ruthless predator. "Still want to drain you dry," he purred darkly. "Still want to hear you scream. Why shouldn't I?"
Buffy turned her head, exposing her neck to him. "Do it then".
He collapsed on top of her, sobbing again, and she wrapped her arms around him, murmuring soothing sounds.
After awhile the sobbing stopped, and Spike whispered against her neck, "Buffy? You're really here?"
"Of course I am".
"And you don't hate me?"
"No. I love you with everything I am".
"But she hates me".
She looked up to see a ghostly version of herself glaring at them. The ghost Buffy looked… well, broken. Beaten, raped, dead, maybe all three.
"I did that to you," Spike whispered in horror. "Hurt you. Killed you".
She grasped his head and turned it so he was looking at her. "No you… well okay, some of it. But then? You saved me. Loved me. Made me whole. And that's who you are now. That's what matters".
"Never enough," he said hoarsely.
"Yes. It is. You were evil, Spike, there's no denying it. But not anymore".
"It's still inside of me".
"It's inside of everyone". Buffy and Spike turned to see Giles squatting nearby. "Listen to me, Spike. You're not the only one who's done evil. The potential is inside all of us," he said. "When I was younger, I did things – terrible things that I am ashamed of and can never atone for. But I try every day, because it is all I can do". Giles gestured at the assembled ghosts. "You've had a long time to wreak evil upon the world. Redemption will not be easy, but you'd already begun on that path years ago. What you have done here – getting a soul – it is nothing short of amazing. And Buffy is right". He nodded at the ghosts. "That is not who you are anymore. Not for a long time now".
Spike cocked his head at Giles, studying him intently. "You can accept me too?" When the other man nodded he stood up and swiftly moved to the crowd, coming to stop in front of the group of toddlers. "I killed them without a second thought – the entire orphanage. Drank the little children's blood and laughed. Rolled in it. Painted it on Dru and licked it off". He turned back to Giles, who had blanched. "You can forgive me this?"
"Y-yes," he stammered.
The vampire turned to another group of people, dozens of young blonde girls. "And these, Slayer? These I killed after promising you I wouldn't do evil anymore. Another broken promise". He swallowed. "I – I didn't just kill them. I hurt them. Made them scream, because they weren't you. Raped them and tore them apart". He turned his tormented gaze on Buffy. "You'd invite me back in your bed, knowing this?"
She walked to him, reaching out to cup his cheek, keeping her gaze steady despite the revulsion his confession sent through her. "I know what you've done, Spike. And yes, I love you anyways. Maybe – maybe even more. Knowing how much you've changed. There's nobody stronger, more determined to fight their nature than you".
Spike slumped. "I can't atone for this. Can't say sorry. Can't use forgive me. Nothing will ever fix it".
"Spike".
"Yeah?" He tried to avert his face, but Buffy wouldn't let him.
"You can't undo the past. But you can make a new future. A better one. With me. I want you to come home. I know… I know you feel remorse now, where you didn't before. I know there's a lot of pain, and guilt. And I'm not saying it should go away – because – well, you should feel guilt. But," she shrugged. "What's done is done. You can't change it, so…"
"So moaning and pissing about it is pointless?" He almost looked like himself for a moment, but then he crouched down again. "You were supposed to stay away. Don't need a monster in your life.
"Spike. I couldn't. Without you… if you stay here, leave me… you will hurt me. More than you ever have". Buffy squatted down in front of him. "I need you, William. Monster and all".
He broke down again, falling into her arms. "Hurts," he gasped. "Hurts so much".
"I know, baby. It's supposed to". She kissed his brow, rocking him for what felt like hours, until he shushed once more. "Look," she said softly, and Spike did. The ghosts were fading away, one by one, until the three of them were alone once more.
Buffy stood and pulled Spike with her. "Come on. It's time to go home".
He looked around apprehensively. "Think they'll really let me leave?"
"Will you let yourself?"
In response, Spike held tight to Buffy's hand and walked hesitantly towards the exit, and then seeing his path clear, moved faster and more confidently with each step.
"It's all right, don't worry about me," Giles muttered. "I'll just pick up the garbage and follow along behind".
When they reached the mouth of the cave, Spike shrank back. "Too bright," he muttered. "Can't be in the light. Don't belong".
"It's okay," she said, tugging him forward, then letting go with a gasp when his hand entered the light and began to sizzle. "Spike! Where's the Gem of Amarra?" she demanded.
"Took it off. For the trials. 'N then… I don't know".
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Not sure where I put it," he answered sullenly. "Wasn't in my right mind, was I?"
"Check your pockets," Buffy sighed. "I'll go check your duster". She made her way back to where Giles was just coming into the main cave. "Would you think I was a bad Slayer if I said I liked him better without the soul?"
He gave her a poignant smile. "He's adjusting. But in the long run… I can't deny that I am pleased with this development. I had learned to trust him, but… this makes it easier".
"True," she grumbled. "Check his pockets for the Gem of Amarra, will you? He seems to have lost it".
"Oh, dear lord," Giles muttered. "Very well". He tentatively reached into the various pockets, pulling out a pack of cigarettes with a longing look.
Buffy caught it. "Hey. You don't smoke".
"Ah. I recently took it up again and it's been… difficult to break".
"You started smoking?"
"With Spike. While you were… when we thought we'd have to…"
"Kill demon-y me". He nodded. "That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with the stupid not-telling-me-the-truth vampire…" She spun on her heel and Giles stopped her.
"Perhaps that would be a better conversation for later, don't you think?"
With a visible effort, she held herself back. "You're right. Don't need to be bringing the guilt ghosties back".
"Oh! Here it is!" Giles announced, handing her the ring.
"Good. It's so much easier to deal with him when he's not flammable. Give me those," she said, taking the backpacks from him. "We've still got to walk back to the Jeep".
Buffy held Spike tightly, trying to soften the jolting ride in the back seat as Giles negotiated the Jeep back down the rutted trail. "Will you please eat more?" she begged him quietly. "I don't like seeing you like this".
He shook his head stubbornly. "I can find blood later. 'M not feeding from you anymore".
"It doesn't hurt me, you silly vampire. I'm stronger now, don't forget".
His tortured eyes caught hers. "No. But it hurts me".
"Oh. Right," she said, eyes downcast. "Sorry".
"Plus, you're forgetting the side effects of Slayer blood… S'not the time for me to be feeling… amorous. Any much more and it'll become a real problem".
Buffy blushed. "I did forget about that". She cast about for something to distract herself from that topic. "Um… tell me how you did it. Got your soul".
"Hey," she whispered softly. "Time to change planes". Spike's eyes popped open and he looked bewildered, until they settled on her face. "Last time, I promise. Next time we stop, we'll be home. Just in time for Thanksgiving".
"'S Thanksgiving already?" he mumbled as they walked down the aisle.
"Uh-huh. I called home and Dawn about split my eardrum open. I'm surprised it didn't wake you. Mom and Dawnie will be waiting for us at the airport. For you," she emphasized.
He froze. "No, pet, can't. Don't deserve -"
Buffy pushed him forward. "We've been through this. I love you. They love you. Even Giles loves you. We all want you home. I know you've gone through a big change, see things differently now, but – to us? You're still the same guy you were when you left. The guy we love and want around. Got it?" He walked a few steps on his own and then began to falter again. "Keep moving, buster. I'll be mad if I miss out on Mom's turkey".
"Bossy bint," he muttered darkly.
"You know you love it," she replied, slipping her arm into his. "Come on. You can be as broody as you want later".
That got a rise out of him. "Oi! 'M not broody!"
"Of course not, sweetheart".
"I see them!"
Spike cringed at the high-pitched squeal, and even more so when he was suddenly enveloped by the dark-haired teenager. She was showing him affection he wasn't worthy of, and it brought to mind the faces of the others, the thousands her age that he had killed – or worse.
"Sorry!" he gasped, pulling away and attempting to flee. He was restrained though, Buffy's hand like a vise around his arm. "I can't!" he cried out. "So many like her! What I would have done, could have done to my Niblet!" he wailed.
Buffy's voice was firm in his ear. "But you didn't. And you never will – to her or anybody else again. Right now, though, you're hurting Dawn in a different way. You're scaring her".
Spike stilled, knowing that what she said was true. Dawn was staring at him with those big eyes full of tears. He swallowed away his own pain and panic, pushing them down so he could give the girl what she needed. "'Lo Little Bit," he said, his voice rough with emotion. "Told you I'd be back for you, didn't I?" The tremulous smile she gave him made it worth the pain.
"I've missed you so much, Spike. Come on, we've got a whole feast ready!" He let her take him, lead him along, unable to believe that these Summers women could love him so.
"Spike!"
The sound of many different voices calling his name in greeting overwhelmed him, and he cowered back against Buffy.
"It's okay," she soothed him quietly. "They're all happy you're here. I told you, you're loved".
Dawn took charge, striding forward and leading the Scooby gang away. "So, Spike's had a long trip and he's tired. Why don't we go see to the food," she bossed the others.
Joyce turned and looked at the two blonds. "Dawn and I rearranged things while we were waiting for you to return. We've moved Mr. Giles upstairs and set up the apartment for the two of you. So you can have a peaceful place to retreat to," she told Spike, and he smiled gratefully. "Why don't you go on down now, and I'll come get you when dinner's ready?"
Buffy took Spike's hand and led him downstairs. They both caught their breath as they walked into the apartment.
"Wow…" Buffy trailed off. "They did a great job".
Spike could only agree. Joyce had taken both of their tastes and combined them to make a sanctuary that was warm and inviting.
"Feels like home, doesn't it?" his girl said. "It'll be a shame to have to leave in only a few weeks".
"We'll make ourselves a home in Sunnydale too, pet. Where ever you are, that's home".
"This from the man who was trying to abandon me," she pouted, and Spike felt his heart drop.
"Seemed like the thing to do at the time," he muttered. And it had. He'd thought he'd been doing the right thing, setting Buffy free of a monster like him, ignoring the selfish part of him that wanted her as a balm to soothe his wounded… soul.
Even now, the thought gave him a start. His soul. Of which having still didn't help him make the right bloody choice. Buffy had managed to make him see that setting her free was not what she wanted or needed, and he was glad of it, selfish git that he was. No matter that Buffy said he didn't need it anymore, the soul… it made a difference, no doubt about it.
Whatever Spike had claimed about no longer being evil pre-soul, it had been a veneer only. He understood now the disparity between not-evil and good, understood that while he would never injure the ones he loved, now he didn't want to harm anybody else either. Not just would refrain from hurting others for the sake of the approval of the Summers' women, but didn't want to prey upon the seething masses of humanity around him.
Humans had ceased to be nothing more than Happy Meals on legs.
For the freshly-souled vampire, avoiding evil was no longer based on a half-formed logical conclusion – he'd learnt it was wrong in Sunday school – or – Buffy would be disappointed – but a certainty in his gut that such an action would harm him even more than his victim, that he would be as disappointed in himself as Buffy would.
After 120 years of doing as he pleased, it was terrifying. He hadn't quite understood just what he was getting himself into. Spike figured he could have muddled by without the soul, done alright, but he'd wanted more than that. She'd come back to him, come back from beyond his reach, and he'd wanted to be a man worthy of her – with the potential to be as good and pure as she was, his tarnished past notwithstanding. Only now that he had a soul, he realized just how preposterous that idea was.
He might have quit evil, but he would never, ever, be worthy of her.
Lost in thought as he settled heavily onto the couch, he didn't notice Buffy going to the fridge and pulling out a bag of blood, pouring it into a mug and setting it in the microwave. When it dinged she brought it to where he was sitting on the couch. "Ninety-eight point six," she told him, settling herself into his lap. "Just the way you like it".
She was determined to care for him, love him, and it made him tremble with the force of his love for her. "I don't understand what I ever did to deserve you".
"Spike. You got a soul – and went through hell to do it. So, well, there's that, for starters".
Unable to speak, he set the mug aside and wrapped his arms around her, his emotions overwhelming him. He let go of everything he was feeling, until all there was was the scent of his girl and the sound of her heartbeat lulling him into a sense of calm. Buffy wrapped her own arms around him, and the two stayed like that until Joyce came to the door to call them for dinner.
