Chapter 57 Voice of Padmé Amidala
I awaken with a start, not even remembering falling asleep. The bedroom is dark, and I have a long, muscular arm draped over me. And then I remember. I turn and look at Anakin who's sleeping peacefully beside me. How could I have let this happen? How could I have ended up in his bed this way? Cursing my weakness, I slide slowly out from under his arm and out of the bed. The clock on the night table says 109 hours. I have to get home- Luke and Leia will be frantic. I head to the fresher to get cleaned up.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I'm shocked by my appearance. I look like a woman who has just had hours of hot, lustful sex- it's in my eyes, my dishevelled hair, my slightly swollen lips. Oh no…are those hickeys? What was I thinking?
I do the best that I can to tidy myself up and then go looking for my clothes, moving silently through the apartment lest I awaken Anakin. He won't be happy to find me gone- but I cannot stay. I never should have let things go this far- and yet…I was the instigator. I seduced him.
I find my clothes, noting with dismay that several buttons are missing from my blouse, and put them on. I'm about to leave when I spot my handbag, the very reason I came back here the first place. I grab it, cursing it silently, and head out to my speeder. The apartment is silent, as I hope my home will be when I reach it. Neither of my children is young or naïve enough to be fooled into thinking anything other than what happened actually happened. I just hope that they're asleep- I don't think I can face them right now.
Voice of Leia Skywalker
It's the weekend, so I get to sleep in today. It's a luxury I'm not often able to enjoy- Threepio is a real pain that way, far worse than any alarm clock. Luke has actually shut him down once or twice when he's been trying to wake us up- he does it with the Force so the poor droid doesn't even see it coming. I have to admit – that's pretty funny.
After a long shower, and what I'm sure most would consider a ridiculously long time doing my hair, I head downstairs. I'm starving- probably because it's almost noon.
No one is around, and I have to wonder if my brother is being even lazier than me this morning. I start to make myself something to eat when I hear someone enter the room.
"Good morning Princess." It's Han.
I turn to him with a smile. "Good morning," I say. I know he only calls me princess as a nickname- just like he calls Luke 'kid'. I'm not sure how much I like it anymore, though. It makes me sound like a snob.
"You do know my real name, don't you?" I ask him.
Han smiles. "Sure," he replies. "Leia."
I laugh. "Very good," I say. "Can I get you something to eat?"
"That's nice of you," he says, sitting down. I set about making us some sandwiches. "Don't you have servants for this?"
"Yes," I reply. "But I can do it myself," I assure him.
"I'm sure you can," he replies. "You're pretty self reliant for a girl your age."
Girl? Oh great…
"Yes I am," I tell him, setting a plate down before him. "And since when is eighteen a girl?" I ask, joining him at the table.
"Sorry princess…I mean Leia," he says. "I guess when you're as old as me it seems that way."
I frown. This isn't going well at all. "You're not that much older than me, Han," I tell him.
"You don't know that," he says, and then takes a bite of his sandwich.
"Sure I do," I reply. "You're twenty-eight."
He nods as he chews. "Old eh?"
I smile. "Pretty old," I agree. "You should start thinking about retirement soon," I tease.
Han laughs. "Yeah, I'll get right on that," he says.
"You here to get Luke?" I ask him.
Han nods. "Yep," he replies. "Between the temple and the ship yards, there's plenty of work right now."
"I know," I reply. "My Dad's been really busy too- I haven't seen him in a week."
"He's pushing himself really hard," Han tells me. "I think he's trying to prove himself in a big way."
"I know," I reply with a frown. "The trouble is, I don't know if it will make any difference with my mother," I confide in him. "She's too afraid to trust him again."
He nods. "Can't really blame her, can you?" he asks.
"No, I don't suppose I can," I agree. "But I know she loves him," I add. "If only she would admit it to herself."
"Well, love's a funny thing, Leia," he says, standing up with his empty plate. "Or that's what I'm told, anyway."
I watch him as he puts his plate in the dishwasher. "You've never been in love?" I ask him.
He turns to look at me. "No," he replies. "Not yet," he adds. "You?"
I smile. If he only knew. "Maybe," I tell him, standing up with my own plate.
He watches me, and I can sense his curiosity. Maybe there's hope after all.
Voice of Anakin Skywalker
I wake up quite late, for the light is streaming in between the curtains. I open my eyes and look at the clock, surprised that I've slept until past noon. Of course, I didn't sleep much last night. I smile as I remember, and roll over to cuddle up to Padmé. But she's not there- her side of the bed is cold and empty. I sit up with a frown. "Padmé?" I call. I get no response, so I get out of bed to look for her. However, my senses tell me before my eyes do that she's gone. I guess I'm not surprised- she didn't want to alarm the twins by not being home for them in the morning. I can still hardly believe what happened last night was more than just a dream. The fact that Padmé was the aggressor was even more surprising. I knew that she still loved me! And now that we've made this progress in our relationship, we can move forward. I want to make her my wife again as soon as possible. And now that I know she wants me, I'm confident she wants the same thing too.
I have a shower, noting as I do so that I have love markings all over my body. Seems I wasn't the only one who was more than a little needy last night. After I shower I scrounge together some lunch, making a mental note to buy some provisions soon.
I've never enjoyed shopping and have always had servants to do it for me. But in my quest to become more self-reliant, I've decided to do such tasks for myself. As I check out my groceries, I see a large basket of flowers near the counter. I smile and add it to my things. This is going to be a good day.
The senate building is full, as always, when I arrive an hour later. I know Padmé will be here- she's a workaholic after all. I check in at the security desk and then head upstairs. The lift is crowded, and people keep looking at me and the bouquet in my hands. I'm in too good a mood to let them bother me though, and simply watch as the numbers climb higher. Finally I reach the top floor and step out and head to the executive offices.
"May I help you sir?" Padmé's assistant asks as I reach her desk.
"I can go right in," I say, bending her mind easily.
"You can go right in," she says automatically.
I smile and walk into Padmé's office. She's standing at the window looking outside and doesn't turn around when I enter the room.
"Just put that report on my desk, Cillia," she says, thinking I'm her assistant.
I don't say anything but steal up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist from behind. She jumps and turns to see me.
"Surprise," I say, kissing her softly. "I brought you something," I add, holding up the flowers.
She looks at them with a smile and then up at me. "Thank you," she says. "What brings you by?" she asks, moving away from me. Her body language speaks volumes. She's regretting what happened between us, just as I knew she would be.
"Do I need a reason to come and see you?" I ask, watching her closely for her response.
"Well, actually I'm pretty busy," she says. I know her reason is a lame one, and a cover for the feelings she doesn't want to share.
"You don't seem happy to see me," I say. "Is something wrong?"
She stands with her back to me, and I can feel her tension as she prepares her response. "Well, now that you mention it," she says. "I'm afraid we've made a big mistake, Anakin. Last night was a big mistake."
I fold my arms over my chest, trying my best not to get angry. "A mistake?" I ask. "Is that all it meant to you?"
She turns back to me, and I can see the struggle in her eyes. "Last night was incredible," she tells me. "You know that. Every night with you is incredible; but we can't have a physical relationship, Anakin. Not now, not after everything that has happened. I can't invest that much of myself …."
"Invest? Am I a business partner?" I interject hotly. "You wanted me last night, Padmé," I remind her. "It was you who initiated the whole thing, not me," I add. "And now you're going to tell me that it was a mistake?"
"I'm sorry," she says. "It was a spontaneous reaction," she tells me. "I was weak, I admit it," she adds. "But it can't happen again. It would simply …complicate things too much."
I nod. "I see," I reply. "I didn't think making love was a complication,"
"That's not what I mean," she replies.
"Then what did you mean?" I ask, growing exasperated. "You don't want me? You don't need me? Does that about sum it up?"
"Anakin, please," she replies.
"Forget it," I say, throwing the bouquet on her desk. "I'm sorry I bothered you," I add and leave the office, cursing myself for daring to have hope.
Voice of Luke Skywalker
I don't know what's bugging Dad, but he's been quiet and sullen all afternoon. I can't be sure, but I'd bet my last credit that his mood is directly related to Mom. Have they been fighting again? I thought those days were behind us now that Dad has turned away from the Dark Side.
"That should do it," he tells me as he stands up again. We've been installing the equipment in the simulation room, and Dad has spared no expense to make sure that it's the latest, state of the art technology. I can't wait to see it in action.
"You should think about getting home," Dad tells me, looking at his wrist-chrono. "It's pretty late. I'm sure your mother is holding dinner for you."
I nod. "Yeah probably," I say. I hesitate for moment before speaking, watching him adjust the controls of the newly installed system. "Dad, is there something wrong? You seem…down."
He looks at me and then back down at the machine. "What makes you think that?" he asks.
"You're quiet," I tell him. "And tense," I add. "Is there something going on? Did you and Mom have a fight?"
He frowns, and looks at me briefly. I know at once that I'm right.
"Dad?"
"Luke, I don't really want to talk about it," he tells me with a sigh. "Okay? Please don't press."
"Okay, I won't," I reply. He's more than just upset- he's hurt. What could have happened to make him feel this way? "I guess I should get going," I tell him.
He looks at me again and forces himself to smile. "Okay," he says. "Thanks for your help, Luke," he adds.
I smile. "Any time, Dad," I reply. "It's fun working here with you."
Dad's smile grows, and this time it's genuine. "It means a lot to hear you say that, son," he says.
"See you tomorrow," I say as I walk off.
"Goodnight Luke," he replies.
I arrive home a short time later and find my sister alone at the dinner table.
"Hi," I say to her, sitting down. "Where's Mom?"
"She went to bed already," Leia tells me. "Said she wasn't feeling well."
"That weird," I comment, helping myself to dinner. "Dad was not himself tonight either."
Leia's eyebrows lift. "Oh? How do you mean?"
I shrug. "Just off- tense, quiet…not at all how he's been since he got back," I explain. "I asked him about it, if he and Mom had been fighting."
"And what did he say?"
"He didn't want to talk about it," I tell her.
"Which means that's exactly what happened," Leia concludes.
"Yeah, I think so too," I reply. "This totally stinks."
Leia nods, but her face is thoughtful.
"What?" I ask, knowing that look. "What's going on in your head?"
She smiles. "I thought you could read my mind," she replies.
I roll my eyes. "Just tell me," I reply.
"Okay, we both know that our parents are still in love, right?" she asks. I nod, a mouthful of food preventing me from answering.
"So we need to do something to bring them together," she continues. "To make them realize that they're both miserable apart."
"And how do you propose we do that?" I ask.
"The way I figure, they won't be able to resist each other for long," Leia says. "All we need to do is make sure they see each other often," she continues. "And alone," she adds. "And let nature take its course."
I frown. "You really think it's that easy?" I ask. "Given their history?"
She shrugs. "You have a better idea?" she challenges.
"Nope," I admit.
"Then we'll go with mine," she replies, a smile on her face. "I predict that within a matter of months, our parents will be inseparable once again."
I nod. "I hope so," I reply. "I really hope so, Leia."
Voice of Padmé Amidala
I'm miserable. Unable to eat, I can't sleep either. I feel like my insides are all tied up in knots. And I know why – I can't get the look of hurt in Anakin's eyes out of my mind. Yes, I know he's hurt me time and time again- but that was the old Anakin. That doesn't negate what he did, but it doesn't justify hurting him back either. And I have hurt him. Perhaps if he'd given me a chance to explain my point of view, to explain why being with him is impossible. I'm not sure he will accept or even understand my rationale, but I have to at least try.
Luke and Leia are still eating their dinner when I find them. They seem surprised to see me.
"Luke was your father still at the temple when you left?" I ask him.
Luke exchanges a quick glance with his sister. "Yeah, he was," he replies. "Why do you ask?"
"I need to see him, that's all," I tell them. "I'll be back shortly."
Night is falling when I leave the palace, but it's a clear night, so I don't mind. The temple is still busy when I arrive, with craftsmen and technicians everywhere. I'm amazed at how much as been accomplished in such a short time. In a matter of weeks this place has been transformed from a tragic ruin into a state of the art facility. Anakin's vision and tenacity are responsible I'm sure.
"Can you tell me where I could find Anakin Skywalker?" I ask one of the men working in the foyer.
"I can't say for sure, Milady," he replies. "Last I saw him he was in the simulation room. You might want to try there first."
"I will," I reply. "And thank you."
I don't know the building well, particularly with all the changes to it, but manage to find my way to the room suggested to me. Anakin is still there. He's testing the new equipment and making adjustments when I enter the room. His back is to me, but I see him stop and lift his head when I walk through the door, no doubt he's sensed my presence.
"I didn't think I'd be seeing you again today," he says, turning to me finally. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he's still upset.
"I'm sure," I reply. "But I had to talk to you."
Anakin frowns, and turns back to the controls of the simulator. "I can't imagine why," he says. "You've already said plenty."
I watch him for a moment, and then walk around so that I'm facing him. "Please," I say. "Just hear me out."
He looks up at me. "Very well," he says. He folds his arms over his chest and waits for me to speak.
"I know you're upset with me," I begin, stating the obvious. "And I know why."
He says nothing in response.
"First off, let me say that last night was incredible," I continue. "You have always been the most fantastic lover," I add.
He frowns. "So why regret what happened?" he asks.
"Let me finish," I say. "You will always be the only man that I've ever wanted, the only man I've ever loved," I tell him. "But I can't be with you, Anakin. I'm too afraid of being hurt again," I confess to him.
He remains silent, but in his eyes I see how upset he is.
"It's just too hard, Anakin," I add, my own emotions starting to get to me as I watch his eyes. "And if we are involved sexually, it would be impossible not to be emotionally involved," I explain.
"Of course," he says quietly. He looks away. "So bottom line- you don't trust me anymore," he says.
"I'm afraid not," I tell him. "Perhaps one day I will again- but right now, I can't."
He nods. "I suppose that's not surprising," he comments. "Given all that I've done." He looks back at me. "Tell me what you want me to do," he says. "I'll do whatever you want."
His words surprise me, and underscore for me just how profoundly he has changed. "Just…don't pressure me," I tell him. "You know how vulnerable I am where you're concerned," I add. "Please don't put me in a position where I'm unable to resist you."
He frowns. "Padmé, you seduced me," he points out.
"I know," I reply. "It was a moment of weakness. I'm not blaming you for what happened," I assure him. "I just want to make sure it doesn't happen again."
He nods, but I can see in his eyes how much he hates this. "Very well," he says. "You have my word," he tells me. "I won't pressure you, I won't try to seduce you," he adds. "I will leave you alone except for the occasion when we need to communicate because of our children or our respective professions," he says. His words are cold, but what else can I expect?
"Thank you," I say, though the lump in my throat contradicts my words. "I appreciate it."
"Don't mention it," he replies.
I leave him again, grateful that my tears held back until I walk away from him.
Voice of Anakin Skywalker
So it's over – it's truly over. I'm not sure how to deal with this and must fight not to resort to violence. There is still a small part of me that wants to reach out and destroy everything I see. But I won't. I won't give in to this- I'm better than that now. Instead I will use the Force to calm down and keep control of my emotions. I sit down on the floor and close my eyes, using the meditation techniques that Obi-Wan taught me to draw upon the Force. I'm far better at meditation now than I was as a younger man, and it isn't long before I feel the soothing balm of the Force calming me. And then, amidst my meditation, I sense the presence of other force beings nearby. It must be Obi-Wan and Yoda I sense, finally. I open my eyes and stand up just as Obi-Wan enters the room.
"Welcome back," I say. "It's good to see you."
Obi-Wan smiles. "Rough couple of weeks?" he asks.
"You have no idea," I reply. I turn to Yoda as he enters the room, his gait far slower, his face far older than I remember. "It's good to see you again, Master Yoda," I say.
Yoda looks up at me, his ancient eyes studying my face as though he's trying to discern if the change in me is genuine. Perhaps that's what took Obi-Wan so long to get him back here- no doubt Yoda had trouble believing that Darth Vader could actually be redeemed.
"Good to see you, Anakin," he replies. "And quite unexpected," he adds.
I nod. "I'm sure it must be," I agree. "But I promise you, Master, that the Darkness is gone."
Yoda nods. "Know it, I do," he replies, his eyes softening. "Fulfilled the prophecy, you have."
I nod, and then look over as a third person enters the room. It's a woman, a Twi'lek, and she looks at me with undisguised distrust as she enters the room.
"Anakin, this is Jedi Knight Nomi H'darr," Obi-Wan informs me.
I bow in her direction. "Welcome," I say. "It's good to know we three are not the only Jedi left."
She lifts one black eyebrow. "It wasn't easy surviving all this time," she tells me. "I was only a padawan of six when the purges happened."
I nod, grateful that she didn't remind me of my part in those purges. "We're glad you're able to join us," I say. "I assume Obi-Wan has told you of our plans here."
"He has," Nomi replies. "I'm excited to be a part of it," she adds with a smile.
"The living quarters are finished," I tell her and the others. "I wanted to make sure things were ready for Master Yoda when he returned," I add.
"You've done remarkable work here, Anakin," Obi-Wan comments. "I don't recognize the place anymore."
I smile. "Well, I'm motivated," I reply. "Let me show you around," I say to them all.
I lead them out of the room and proceed to give them a tour. I can't help but notice how the workmen who are still finishing up their tasks for the day notice Nomi as we walk past. I suppose that isn't surprising- she's quite beautiful. Twil'ek women are known for their beauty, as well as other things. I guess these men know that.
"Retire, I will now," Yoda tells us as we conclude the tour. "A long voyage it has been."
I nod. "Of course," I reply. "Perhaps you'd all like to get settled in," I reply. "Unless you've changed your mind about staying with me," I say to Obi-Wan.
"No," Obi-Wan replies. "I thank you Anakin, but this is where I belong," he tells me. "Perhaps you ought to consider relocating yourself."
"Perhaps," I reply. I'm not sure how much I'd like living here though- too many ghosts here for my liking. "I'll bring your things over when I return in the morning," I tell Obi-Wan.
"Thank you," he replies. "Good night then, Anakin," he says.
"Goodnight," I reply, and watch as the three of them leave me to head for the living quarters. Truth be told, I'm disappointed that Obi-Wan has chosen to live here. I have come to rely on his advice and companionship. But I suppose this was his home for many years- I can't blame him for wanting to return to it now.
I leave the temple and head home, reflecting on the day's events. And end and a new beginning all in the same day. It is my hope that rebuilding the Jedi will help me to cope with the losses I've experienced in my life. It is something I must do, and I will dedicate the rest of my life to it if I must. Besides, if I'm at the temple involved with this, the chances of seeing Padmé are slim. That is how it will have to be if I'm to keep my word to her. And I will keep it- I've already hurt her enough. If this is what she wants, then I will do my damnest to make sure I keep my promise, no matter how hard it is to do so.
