Author's Note: This is for those of you who actually read author's notes. You'll notice the format for this chapter is different, I decided instead of skipping over four years and saying STUFF HAPPENED like canon I'd represent the four year gap through notes posted on Naomi's fridge. That's why it looks weird and there's no descriptions of anything. Just so you know.
Dear Light Yagami,
Please stop leaving notes on my fridge. I can't the door handle beneath all these goddamn post-it notes. Also they're rather insulting. If you don't stop I'll have Raye beat you, he has a gun you know, and he works for the FBI that has to count for something. No, I don't know why the hell he's still in Japan. Maybe L bought him, since the rest of them died anyway I don't think the FBI knows quite what to do with him. So don't ask. Don't call me a hypocrite either, I'm only sticking this on the fridge because I know that if I don't you'll never listen to a word I say. I also thought about drugging you and throwing you out of the house but then decided that it was a terrible idea since you would probably just kill me anyway. Death is a great motivator, isn't it?
On a side note why the hell does Matsuda know where I live? Did you tell him? I don't care if he needs inspiration for Hikaru Imagay's characterization and dialogue, he is not allowed to be an idiot in my house, he should go be an idiot somewhere else. (Matsuda if you're reading this don't take it personally, I mean every word, and I own a gun as well)
Also, Misa stopped by, she wants sex and attention. Go be a good boyfriend.
Get out of my house you lazy bastard,
Naomi Misora
Is the removal of my post-it notes your petty attempt at censorship and oppression? Also, no, I believe Ryuzaki told Matsuda where you live. Speaking of which, did you tell Misa where I live?
Dear Mr. Snuggles,
I've noticed that you've added twice as many post-it notes as before and now I can't even get ice from the goddamn fridge. Not only are they a blinding shade of neon green but they're also utter nonsense. Most of them just say 'troll'. Clearly unemployment isn't good for you, don't you have college to attend or something? If you attended college maybe Ryuzaki wouldn't wait to ambush you in my apartment and would instead stalk you on campus like a normal person. Dear god, if I see the crack-head-pedophile here lounging on the couch with chocolate Hershey bars in tow I will blame you and make you deal with him.
Your dad called. He wants to talk to you about therapy and family relationships, or something to that effect, I wasn't paying attention. No doubt he's finally noticed your emotional problems and the fact that you're a ticking time bomb. Probably decided it was time to nip that in the bud, two years too late. Or he's concerned that you've moved in with a neurotic married woman and her husband. I prefer the first explanation.
Oh, and since you've seen Ryuzaki more than I have is it true that Matsuda's script actually managed to find itself a producer and a cast? Am I going to be watching The Boogey Man on Sakura Television? Perhaps this is a sign that shinigami do own time machines. As far as I've heard Hikaru Imagay gets possibly more flamboyant every episode and that the detective gets steadily more mysterious. Do we even know who the real Boogey Man is yet? Certainly will be interesting.
Just because I live in your house doesn't mean I am obligated to buy you food,
Naomi Misora
Post Script: How was the date with Misa?
The wallpaper attempted to evict me this morning, it was very thoughtful of him, I was almost proud. I think we can all agree that Matsuda is certain to cast you as the Boogey Man and that shinigami do not own time machines. My dates with Misa Amane do not exist in the true reality, they are merely the product of my non-existent guilt, extended hallucinations. Stop taking down my post-it notes.
Dear squatter whose name states with the infamous letter L,
As you've no doubt noticed I have thrown out all the post-it notes and have bribed Ryuk to eat them. Screw you. Also it turns out Raye is technically still working on the Kira case with L, meaning that he's still L's bitch. Why am I telling you this since you still refer to Raye as the wallpaper when you refer to him at all? I am telling you this so that you know killing Raye will only draw L's needless attention to you, that's right, if you so much as touch Raye then L will be breathing down your neck (literally) and it will be handcuffs all over again. This time I will ensure that he rapes you. Stealing Raye's gun and turning the apartment into a torture chamber, not cool. If it happens, or something equally terrible happens, again then L and rape. The words go well together, don't they, Light?
Congratulations on attending college as well, I'm so proud you're pursuing a career beyond the murder of thousands. Makes me feel you might actually turn out to be a decent person, or not.
Misa stopped by again with the usual array of death threats. Your creativity is beginning to rub off on her though, she's getting better with the adjectives. She wants you to move out so that you can give her more attention, clearly world peace and my misery are not that high on her list of priorities. I don't understand why she doesn't realize that she and I are on the same side.
Also, there would be milk in the fridge if you didn't drink it. Logic, it's great.
Don't get kicked out of school,
Naomi Misora
Why are you pregnant?
Light,
When a man and a woman love each other very much a stork will come to their house and make the woman eat a baby, it comes out fully developed nine months later. Why do you think I'm pregnant?
Don't be a Matsuda,
Naomi Misora
How could wallpaper get you pregnant?
Dumbass who lives in my house,
The wallpaper has a name, it's Raye, and yes the pregnancy works. That or I've gained about twenty pounds only in my midsection. You decide.
Sincerely,
Naomi Misora
I blame you entirely for the bar incident with Matsuda.
Light,
The bar incident was not my fault, why is it my responsibility to keep tabs on how much Matsuda was drinking? Why are we even having meetings in bars anyway? What ever happened to L's usual whore house haunts? Matsuda, and what he does in his free time, is not my problem.
Please stop trying to abort me through a future horrific accident, the booby traps you've planted are pretty damn obvious. Raye actually found one of the toy race cars you left in the doorway, that's how badly you hid them. Ryuk could have done a better job, and he's a giant clown. Also, the fat jokes, completely unnecessary and immature. You can't pressure me, threaten me, torture me, or whatever else it is you plan to do to me in order to make me not pregnant. I do own a gun, you know.
Misa called, she wants another date, a double date actually with Raye and I as well. Convince her that this is a terrible idea and just take her out to cheap Chinese food, please. If not for me then do it for Ryuk. I don't know how this situation relates to him, but somehow, someway it does. The likelihood of Ryuzaki crashing a double date is far higher than if just you and Misa went out.
From,
Naomi Misora
Since when did you become pro-Misa? Also, yes Matsuda is entirely your fault. It's not my responsibility to keep Misa or L entertained. If you have a problem with their pestering you go take care of it.
Mr. Snuggles,
How in god's name did you become so popular? You have your own television show now, well two if we count Matsuda's. Have you seen Demegawa prancing around the stage with a choir? Truly life scarring. Clearly this is a sign that maybe you've gone too far this time, can we please tone down the religious fervor before I have to watch another moment of 'Domine Kira'?
Also going to the hospital soon, don't visit and don't bring L. Milk is in the fridge, apples are in there too. Feed Ryuk a slice every three hours and give him lots of fluids. Try not to go insane and humor Misa.
Go get yourself a hobby,
Naomi Misora
Did you really just name your firstborn son Duck Sherlock Penber? You do realize that once he grows to an age where he understands words he will murder you. That's worse than Moon Night God. If there is a god in heaven, doubtful, he will surely rain judgment down upon you for the travesty of your sin.
Light Yagami (Moon Night God),
Screw you. I just got back from the hospital and what do I find, there are no apples in the fridge and post-it notes are everywhere. You do realize that bribing Ryuk is for your benefit and well-being as well? If Ryuk gets bored and goes into withdrawl who do you think he's going to kill? I may call him a giant clown but I do realize that he can kill me simply by scribbling a few characters in a black little notebook. Did you forget that there's only the bored whim of a mad god keeping you from the fine line of being alive and being dead?
Also, why the notes? Why the notes? What could you possibly say to me in the few hours you had been home instead of pestering me at my bedside? Didn't I tell you not to come, because it would be incredibly boring, and bloody, and you'd have to be in the same room as Raye (whom I know you love so much) for several hours? You came anyway, because you're the fantastic Mr. Snuggles and you can't help but make my life miserable. You came and ridiculed the hospital staff, invited the entire task force, and made Raye feel insignificant. You are a bastard, why do you live in my apartment you homeless piece of crap?
You know why Duck's name is Duck,
Naomi Misora
Your child looks ridiculous, has a ridiculous name, and is the epitome of uselessness. Why is he in my house?
Dearest Mr. Snuggles,
Matsuda wants advice on the script and Aizawa has gotten rid of the afro. I say we ditch Matsuda and throw a party for Aizawa's discovery that he was not born in Harlem and is in fact Japanese born and raised. I'm sure he will appreciate the gesture.
On another note, is the Kira case going less places than it was a few years ago? If I didn't know any better I'd say you were in charge and purposely ensuring we never got anywhere investigating, instead L's in charge and no longer cares about anything. Speaking of which has he kidnapped you yet? I know he was planning something along those lines a few weeks back…
Good luck,
Naomi Misora
Dear god, I'll be thinking about that all week now. Thank you so much.
Light,
We both know that L has some pride, he wouldn't sink that low unless he had a blatant excuse such as your being the main Kira suspect.
Calm down,
Naomi Misora
I had forgotten how much weight I lost while in the headquarters building. Why did you remind me of the drugged éclairs?
Light,
Have you seen Demegawa? This goes too far, please do something. He's going to traumatize my child.
Do something, drastic if necessary,
Naomi Misora
Good propaganda, makes L look ridiculous, why should I do anything?
Mr. Snuggles,
You really want to be represented by a choir and Demegawa prancing around praising Jesus, wait I mean Kira? Why not hire Misa to do a strip tease/pole dance for Kira? Just as effective.
Show some pride,
Naomi Misora
Naomi, I feel like udon tonight. If we go to dinner do you have to bring the wallpaper and the curtain?
Light,
Don't refer to my son as a curtain. His name is Duck.
Thank you,
Naomi Misora
His name is irrelevant. I simply want to go out to dinner without Misa, the wallpaper, and the curtain for one night.
Squatter who refuses to pay rent,
Do you have any idea what happened to the mayonnaise? There was no apple nearby and Ryuk isn't that desperate.
Also L thinks he might have a lead on the Kira case, he left a rather lengthy recording on voice messaging. Considering it's been about three years now I'm rather shocked, besides we all know it's you. Did you do something incredibly stupid, does this mean you're going to prison? I hope they have therapy there, since you refuse to go now.
Stop traumatizing my son,
Naomi Misora
The curtain is evil. How has the wallpaper remained oblivious to this fact?
Light,
Duck is just… misunderstood…
Try to understand,
Naomi Misora
Your child is the devil.
Light,
I can't help but notice that some people call you pot, Duck's nickname is kettle, have you noticed you're both black?
That's very rich coming from you,
Naomi Misora
Duck Sherlock Misora makes me look like Saint Nicholas passing out candy to innocent children whilst riding a unicorn that has rainbows streaming behind it. The unicorn is also pink and its name is Licorice, it eats sunshine and happiness.
Light,
He's four.
Come on,
Naomi Misora
I'm perfectly serious. Did you notice the traumatized playmates that he leaves behind, shell shocked, like rape victims? Duck is a heartless, evil, bastard. Four or not.
Mr. Snuggles,
Misa is waiting anxiously for you to announce an engagement. Just thought I'd let you know.
God speed,
Naomi Misora
Naomi, we're out of milk again. Please go get some.
Light,
What is it with you and milk? Also, how could you say no to Misa like that, in a food court for god's sake. You have no shame. Whatever happened to those social skills you were once so proud of? You can't say not to someone like that, she'll kill you.
You better say yes next time,
Naomi Misora
Naomi sighed when she surveyed the mass of post-it notes on the fridge. She really despised Light sometimes, this was getting ridiculous. It had been ridiculous for four years, going on five, and it was ridiculous that Light was somehow still living at her house. That was a problem that she'd deal with in the morning, when she wasn't terrified of being killed by a giant clown for forgetting apples. Perhaps she'd ask Duck to look into it; he seemed to be good at that sort of thing.
Author's Note: Yes, well. NOW MORE THINGS CAN HAPPEN HOORAY! I like how I reach the four year gap in fifty chapter rather than the one-shot length I expected it to be. Surprise surprise. Thanks readers and reviewers it's incredble that you actually enjoy/read a fic that is fifty chapters long and is absolute crack. Reviews would be appreciated.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or the infamous LABB murder case.
