A/N: This chapter covers the few weeks travel to the rendevous point. Other stuff did happen, but not much worth telling, so I've recounted the significant parts here. Thanks to Sylvacoer and enjoy the show.


"I need your help," Spike mumbled, her face burning red and her back arrow straight as she fought to keep herself from looking away. "You know how the mind works. I need you to fix mine."

"That's a poor choice of word," Xin replied quietly. "Minds are rarely broken. Even Reki's mind was merely divided. To break a mind so that it cannot properly function is a terrible thing and something I hope never to see. Your mind, Nerrivek, is only twisted and bent. And it can be untwisted."

"Will you help me or not?" Spike asked, her blue eyes losing the faint light they had gained, growing cold and dead again. "You're the only one I can trust with this problem that I know is still going to be here after we meet up with the rest of the invasion force."

Xin nodded, holding up a hand to forestall further misunderstandings.

"Yes, I will help you. However, conditioning alone is not the answer. I can't just fix everything by telling you what to believe or how to act, especially since I don't know enough about what's wrong. The role of a mind-healer is to allow one's patient to realize the truth about themselves and help them endure that knowledge until they can overcome the darkness thus uncovered. Conditioning can be used as a tool to achieve this, but it is not the main or most effective method. I can't tell you how much time it will take, either. These things are delicate, exceedingly delicate."

"Then we should start as soon as possible," Spike said, the red fading from her cheeks. "When is that?"

Xin smiled wryly, glancing about at the cramped interior of the warship's little commander's gig, stowed for passage in a very nearly airless and lightless part of the vessel. The glowcrystal he'd brought along was brighter than the red lantern light of the warship's interior.

"You seem to have picked a good place already and chosen a time to talk to me when I had no other pressing duties to attend to. We can start now, if you want."

She nodded, sitting down cross-legged on the cool iron deckplates. Xin made a note to bring a couple pillows next time. He appreciated discipline as much as the next person, but sitting on hard metal for hours on end was something he could do without. He sat down, suppressing a wince, and took a moment to gather his thoughts, eyes closed. She waited in silence.

"The first task is to remove the barriers you have put between yourself and the world," he said at last, opening his eyes again and looking at her steadily. "That much is clear even with as little as I know. Only when that is done can we go back over what has happened and understand it properly. To begin that process, I'd like you to tell me about your life before you were conscripted. Anything at all, whatever you feel comfortable with. Something that happened to someone else that you heard about or were there for, even. It only matters that it happened before you went to war."

Spike nodded hesitantly.

"All right." She still couldn't stop her hands from shaking ever so slightly.


A half hour passed before it happened. Xin was patient and he saw it coming. Spike was in the midst of describing a conversation with an older girl she had been friends with, something about how said friend was worried her new hairstyle looked terrible, which Spike privately agreed with, but wasn't sure what to say. She spoke in the same dull, clinical tone that Xin was used to hearing from her. Her eyes were still dead. Then something changed and she stopped talking, trailing off in midsentence as her eyes widened.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I just realized I haven't thought about her in years," Spike said, disbelief tingeing her voice. "I had to think even to remember her name. We were good friends. I should have remembered faster. I…" She said nothing, staring off into the far distance for a while, then at last, when she returned, there was life in her eyes again. And pain.

"It hurts to talk about these kinds of things," she said, frowning at him. "It hurts to think about them. You knew this would happen."

He nodded.

"Why do you want to hurt me?"

"I don't," he replied, meeting her gaze steadily and remaining motionless. "You're hurting yourself. And in doing so, beginning to break down the walls around and within your mind. This is important. This is how reflecting begins."

Spike stood up.

"I think that's enough for now."

Xin followed suit, tucking his hands behind his back.

"I agree. Take some time to consider what you've learned here. And when you feel ready to continue, find me again."


Spike, with utmost care and deliberateness, froze water into a spike, then moved it forwards at a glacial pace towards Huu's head. She stopped just short, and let it dissolve back into the seawater from which it had come. The warship Steel Claws of the Dragon was underway and steaming northwards towards the rendezvous point with the rest of the invasion forces. Spike and the swamp tribesman were standing and sitting, respectively, on the fore deck near the port side railing. The crew, per Bato's request, had placed a several old barrels filled with seawater near the bow so that waterbenders wouldn't have to bend their element all the way up from the waves below for small-scale practice moves. The water smelled of old pickled fish after a few days as consequence, but space was at a premium on the vessel, and they were all the ship's master was willing to spare.

Another spike, another almost-touch. Huu said nothing and sat there patiently. Sweat beaded on Spike's face, a drop running down her neck and leaving behind a terrible itch. Five almost-touches later, she finally stopped and sat down, bending sweat off her face with a wave of one hand.

"Does it seem like you're getting anywhere?" Huu asked amiably, his usual friendly smile on his face.

Spike nodded.

"A little. It's much harder than I had thought. During training, it was all about speed. Freeze, aim, and throw the spike, fast, fast, fast. Going against that is very hard. I keep expecting to be killed or water whipped because I wasn't moving fast enough."

"Why not try just using a regular water blast instead of ice?" he suggested. "Less dangerous for both of us."

Spike winced.

"That'll be even harder for me. It was obvious right away that I wasn't going to get very powerful anytime soon, so I had to focus on ice and water blade moves. I haven't thrown a normal water blast for…some time."

Huu scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"Well, maybe that's just what you need to practice with, though, a move that won't kill someone if you mess up and do it full force. Might be harder at first, but it'll pay off in the long run, I'd guess. 'Course, if you don't want to, I ain't gonna make you."

"No," Spike said swiftly, "I…I think you're right. Since I was never taught to kill with pure water moves, if I can just begin using them, I might be able to learn them…properly from the beginning." That word sent another twinge of guilt through her gut. To imply that she hadn't learned right from Xing's instructors…that was close to madness. But just watching the swamp benders sparring and practicing, she was starting to believe it was true. They were good fighters, yet somehow, they could do it without risking much harm. She couldn't. That wasn't right. And thanks to Xin, she couldn't stop thinking about the old days, the days before the war came to her. When you were alive, a little voice whispered, one that sounded annoyingly like Kyuzo, with his endless, stupid, self-inflicted suffering. When you had a heart.


A few days passed, but Xin knew his charge would be back and so she was. This time she didn't start off dead. She looked like a soldier facing their first fight. Terrified, but determined not to shame their comrades and their nation, hiding her fear under a blank mask.

"Continue," she said, sitting down. Xin nodded and took a seat. Thankfully, he had remembered to bring a couple cushions this time.

"You've begun to break down barriers, now we will continue that process," he began. "Just as last time, I'd like to hear about your life before the war."

"I don't want to talk about that anymore," Spike growled, hands tightening into fists.

Xin shook his head, his face stern.

"You asked for my help, Nerrivek. You don't get to change your mind halfway through."

The waterbender's next words seemed as though each one was being dragged out of her, like someone was strangling her.

"It hurtstoomuch." Looking up, she took a deep breath and went on. "It seems like all I can think about now is those days. I never did before now, but now I can't stop and it just keeps hurting. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"We haven't even begun the important part of reflection, Nerrivek," Xin said, easing his hands out of his sleeves. "Whatever pain you feel now is a drop in the ocean. I understand, you hurt because you're beginning to understand exactly what you lost when you went to war. Exactly who you lost. However, you are progressing faster than I had expected. It seems you're ready for the next phase. Tell me about when you were conscripted, and describe in detail how you felt at the time."

Eager for anything else to talk about, Spike began at once, talking almost without thinking.

"They came for me in the afternoon," she said, her gaze growing distant with memory. "I was helping my mother get dinner ready. There was a knock at the door and I went to open it. There were two soldiers there, in Earth Kingdom armor. I was…" She hesitated, surprise spreading across her face. "I don't remember how I felt. I barely remember that much. Why can't I remember?"

"Because, just as today, it hurt too much," Xin said grimly. "This is where conditioning will be of use. I can break the blocks you have unknowingly put in place and let you remember everything, including how you felt. Now, that will take a few hours at least to do properly, so if you want, we can stop now and do it tomorrow."

"No!" Spike blurted out. "I…if I stop now, I'll never get started again."

Xin smiled sadly, standing up.

"Yes, I imagine that was what endeared you to the recruiters in the first place. You're far too brave, Nerrivek. I will warn you now, this is, as you asked for, the fast version of reflection. I hesitate to use it. If you want, we can forego conditioning and continue the normal way."

Spike looked him in the eyes.

"No," she said.


Xiahou Xin knew hate once again. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you looked at it, that hate was directed at him, and not something he felt personally.

"What did you do to her?" Kyuzo demanded. "What kind of twisted stuff did you do to her head?!"

"Only what she asked me to do," Xin replied, making no effort to keep the annoyance out of his voice. "This reaction is normal in cases like hers. I assure you, she should be up and about in a week or so. How long it will take for her to recover a semblance of fighting spirit, I can't say, but she will, in time. If, of course, she is not disturbed by gallant fools who don't understand the situation and are making rash assumptions."

Kyuzo deflated at once, flinching back.

"I'm…sorry, I just…it's hard for me to think that hurting someone that much is a good thing. Or that what you do can even be a good thing. But lately…" An image of Jura in the resistance flickered through his mind. "…I've been learning that sometimes good people have to do hard things. And sometimes there are good people whose only fault is being on the opposite side from you. Anyway, just let me know when she's okay to have visitors."

"Of course," Xin said, bowing his head. "That won't be for days yet, though. Try not to think about it." He glanced over his shoulder to the closed door behind him. The first mate's cabin had had more than one person living in it before he arrived. Now he was stuck standing guard to stop them from trying to take it back. At least Zoukani had agreed to take over at night. He sighed. Such is the price of imposing order on a world that doesn't care for it.

On the other side of the door, Spike lay curled up under a blanket, shivering and wracked with fever. She was overwhelmed with feeling. She felt everything. The guilt, the loneliness, the soul-shattering pain of everything she had done in the name of General Xing. She was broken. She couldn't fight like this, just as she'd feared. All she could do was think and feel.


It was five days later when she finally emerged from the cabin, a little wobbly on her feet, but determined to escape the grey iron walls. Xin, who was looking rather tired, simply fell into step behind her, arms tucked behind his back, and said nothing. It was dawn and the warship still journeyed northwards along the western coast. Thin patches of cloud were stretched across the lightening sky. She walked down onto the deck, to the little walkway on the starboard side between the broad fore deck and the narrow deft aft of the bridge and stacks venting black coal smoke from the engines below, and stared out at the sunrise for a long time. She looked her age for once.

When she spoke at last, her voice was hoarse, both from disuse and weeping and she was forced to pause and clear her throat a few times.

"I hate you," she said, though there was no force behind the words.

He inclined his head gravely. "That is to be expected."

"You could have done your conditioning so that I remembered how I felt a little at a time," she said, leaning forward to rest her arms on the railing.

He nodded again. "I could have. That would have drawn out your suffering over a month or so rather than the week you just went through."

She shivered. "I still hate you."

He remained silent and waited patiently. Like water, most people would get around to whatever point they wished to reach in time.

"I've realized something," she said after a moment. "I never chose to devote myself to serving General Xing. I had to do it to stay sane, so I wouldn't think about what I was doing in his name."

"And now?" Xin asked.

"I can't hate him," she said, shaking her head wearily. "He is what Jukana and Shaokai Province needs. He's been forced into that role as much as I was forced into mine and…as much as Siensao has been forced into hers and you into yours and…" She trailed off with a sigh. "Wars force people into certain roles. Some people are lucky and get to do things they're suited for. Some aren't. I'm not lucky. That's not Xing's fault. But…"

"Now that you see what he is, you don't know if he's worthy of your devotion, even if his cause is," Xin finished quietly.

She looked over at him, stark wonder on her face.

"You understand," she said. "You really understand."

He nodded, a little smile appearing. "Eventually, everyone who becomes a part of something greater than themselves must look hard at those in power above them and the cause behind everything and decide which one is most worthy of service and in what manner. I had many issues with Long Feng and how he went about serving the cause of order, but there were many others within the Dai Li that I admired and their cause was one that I shared. You no longer need to devote yourself to General Xing, so now all you need do is decide whether or not you should. Is the cause more important?"

"I don't know the answer to that," Spike said, sounding remarkably calm at the prospect.

"That too, will take time," Xin reassured her, something akin to kindness in his voice. "You still aren't recovered enough from the previous phase of reflection to worry about it too much. However, if you want to practice waterbending, I suspect you may no longer need to kill quite as much. There is no one here that will judge you for that."

Spike quickly turned away, but he caught the glint of tears in the twilight and pretended not to hear her trying to stifle her sobs. He took a few steps back, fading into the shadows, and turned his back. Part of his role was knowing when to be unseen.


Another week passed and they drew close to the rendezvous point. Kyuzo sought out Xin the day after Spike emerged from seclusion.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry about getting upset over the whole conditioning thing," he said, looking ashamed. "Spike seems…well, better in some ways, worse in others, but better overall, if you know what I mean. We really owe you for that."

"I know what you mean," Xin said, amused. He bowed his head. "Your apology is accepted. Not many people are quite so willing to admit their mistakes. I take it you understand the true nature of conditioning now?"

"I think so," Kyuzo said. "It's like firebending, right? It's just a tool. It's whatever you use it for that's good or bad? Is that right?"

"That's right," Xin said.

Kyuzo grinned widely.

"Oh, good! Well, yeah, thanks for being so understanding about all that. I know I'm kind of dumb sometimes."

"You are quick to judge," Xin corrected him, holding up a hand. "They are not the same thing. In the future, try to restrain yourself. I would dislike having to do it for you."

The firebender glanced at the stone gloves Xin wore and swallowed hard. His laugh was high and nervous. "I'll try," he agreed. "All I can do is try.


Spike again sat across from Huu at the first time in weeks, and formed an ice spike. She flicked her hand and it moved forward at a fast walking pace. She jerked her hand back and it halted a foot away from his head. She let it dissolve into water and marveled at the change a couple weeks had made. She was still uncertain, still working things out, but the relief was overwhelming. The idea that she didn't have to be dead inside to keep fighting…it was bordering on madness. But oh, it was such sweet, wonderful madness that she never wanted to give it up.

"You had us worried there for a while," the swamp bender said. "We were starting to think you wouldn't come out of there until the next rainy season. Lien's been pestering your friends about you just about every day."

"Why would she do that?" Spike asked, confused. Lien was one of the women waterbenders from the swamp. Unlike in the north, the tribes of the Foggy Swamp saw nothing wrong with female waterbenders fighting, since clearly the spirits had given them the gift for it. Besides, most inter-tribal fights were just big brawls that ended when everyone was too battered or tired to stand up and accomplished nothing but letting the young warriors let off their urge to pound things into the mud.

Huu chuckled, scratching idly at one leg.

"Well, she's got a daughter about your age, you see. Kinda strikes close to home, your burrowing away into that cabin. I reckon she'd be glad to see you again, if you're willing. There's plenty of others that feel the same way, too. I know things kind of got off on the wrong foot, but if you try it again, it might go better this time. If you think you can scrap a bit without putting spikes through people, of course."

"I think," Spike said carefully, "I'm done with ice for a little while. I need to learn more about water. And…call me Nerrivek. That's my name. Names have power."


The day before the rendezvous, after Nerrivek came back from a sparring session seeming proud to be sporting fresh bruises, Siensao finally stopped by.

"I'd heard you've changed," the merchant said, a smile on her face. "I'm glad to see you're handling things so well."

"What do you want?" Nerrivek asked, crossing her arms. "You never talk to me unless there's something you want. I don't like it when you pretend there isn't."

Siensao sighed, shaking her head.

"There's nothing wrong with being polite to people, you know. And I do care about your welfare. Anyway, I wanted to know if your intentions regarding me had changed."

"And you think I won't just lie to you?"

"You can't lie to me, Nerrivek," Siensao said, her smile becoming unpleasant. "If you don't want to answer, you don't have to, but then I'll have to assume the worst and nothing will have changed between us. Is that what you want?"

"Nothing has changed between us," Nerrivek said with a shrug. "I know now that there are causes more important than any one person and that I can only trust my own judgment on how to deal with those who would destroy that cause." She glared balefully up at the other woman. "You're still a threat to the Earth Kingdom and Jukana. I just haven't decided if General Xing is, too. For that matter, there are quite a few people I'll need to rethink my opinions on."

Siensao nodded once, slowly.

"Well, I thank you for your honesty, if nothing else." She began turning to leave, but Nerrivek spoke up once again.

"And you don't get to call me that. My friends call me Nerrivek now. You're not my friend. Call me Spike."

Siensao laughed, a cold, chilling sound.

"Very well! Spike it is."


The last thing Nerrivek did before going to bed that night was to seek out Jomei. Or rather, it would have been, had Zoukani not gotten in her way as she walked through the darkened corridors of the warship. She tried to step around him, but he lowered his spear so as to bar the way.

"What do you want?" she asked. "I have important things to do."

"I'm sure you do," Siensao said from behind her, her voice like velvet slithering over steel. The merchant stepped out of a side passage. On her face was the same cold smile from earlier in the day.

"You see, Reki was good enough to inform me that you've been snooping around and spying on Kyuzo and Jura. So I've had Zoukani keeping an eye on you. Of course it would be tonight that you decide to go and make Jomei an offer to break up those two. Then he and Reki will argue about it and when you tell Kyuzo what they're arguing about, he and Jura will become rather unhappy and with another push tomorrow, things will get bad enough that the group will split up and I'll have two or three fewer protectors. Does that about sum up your poorly thought out little plan?"

It was hard to grow noticeably pale with dark skin, but somehow Nerrivek managed it, swallowing hard. Have I already messed up my one shot before I even made it? Is she going to kill me now? I…I'm afraid.

"Owl-cat got your tongue?" Siensao asked. "Well, no matter. Surely I've made at least one thing clear to you: you are not going to cause harm to any of my friends. I couldn't care less if you try and kill me, but that's where my patience ends. Try something like this again, Spike, and I'll send you gift-wrapped back to Xing. Possibly in more than one box. Do I make myself clear?"

Nerrivek nodded, frozen in fear.

"Good," Siensao said, a satisfied smirk on her face. "I trust when the time comes, you'll think of an assassination attempt that's worth my time. Because if this is the best you've got, I must say, I'm very disappointed in you. Good night, and sleep well. We have a big day tomorrow, after all."

She turned and sashayed off, Zoukani following after her, leaving Nerrivek shivering, alone in the hallway. The waterbender held it together until the two of them were out of sight, then fell back against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor, trembling violently. Blood of the world! I'm not good enough to kill her. I'm not even good enough to try! I need help. I need… Her idea for Kyuzo and Jura had been ugly. This one was uglier still, so awful that she tasted bile at the back of her throat. It would be the worst kind of betrayal. But with the Earth Kingdom at stake and her own inadequacy painfully demonstrated, what choice did she have?