I'm as special as everyone is. The story tells about how I've made mistakes in my life. It tells about bad things that happened to me. It tells about times when I had no support. It tells about my fear and about how lonely I used to feel. But it also tells about how I love emotions. Doesn't matter if they're good or bad, they made me feel I'm alive. It tells about how badly I want to heal and forgive myself for the wrong choices I've made. It tells me that I don't have to beg for friendship and that it is ok to feel alone, and that I don't have to be ashamed for who I am. It tells that I have the answers for myself and that I can learn to trust others, only when I learn to trust myself.

Do you think hoping is silly? I mean, if you know something isn't about to come... is it still ok to hope?

I love that you take care of pets. It's lovely and it tells how big your heart is. You're special my friend. Have a nice camp, filled with joy and peace. Nature is our mother. Take care, my friend!


Dear R,

It's been a while I know... But I didn't know what to say... I reached the bottom some years ago and I know how it's like... Now it's not the same... I'm not depressed... I feel lost... It's different. I know I'm gonna make it... I just don't know how yet. But I've been okay... don't worry!

I think about you... I miss you... How are you?


Dear R,

thank you for you review on "forgive me". You know, I forgot about that sentence that you could relate to, the one about denying reality. It was the perfect time for you to remind me about it, I needed it, trust me. I didn't answer you sooner, because I didn't know how I was feeling, but you don't have to worry. It's like I live in my own world where time has no importance, and it's ok the move on slowly, step by step... because I know what I've been through... and I try to reassure myself... But when I realize that in the real world everybody's changing, moving on, except for me, I feel like I'll never be able to be just like anyone else. Anyway... How are you feeling? I hope your health is improving. I care a lot about you and I feel like you're the only one I can really be sincere about how I feel... Talk to me... about anything... I just wanna know what's going on with you... what have you been thinking about? Take care, dear friend!


Dear R,

I'm really happy to read you, it really touched me to know that you weren't feeling well! I hope you'll fully recover as soon as possible, but so you know, it's ok to take time... I hope you take the rest that you need and you take care of yourself. Please, let me know how you're feeling...

And I live in a safe country. I can't complain, I like it..! When I said that I was frightened, I was referring to a family situation... But I shouldn't have said that. It is kind of my choice after all. Don't you worry, really!

God bless, dear friend!

...

Dear R,

Are you ok? Don't worry for me please, I'm worried for you now! I hope you'll be fine. Take care and try to rest as much as you can. I'll think about you. Please tell me you're gonna be fine.

Dear R,

I appreciate that even though you're busy, you take the time to write me. I haven't forgotten you. On the opposite, I was still trying to process the review you wrote mentioning Snow White. It really got me. And that question: what would I do if I had all the self acceptance I need? Well, I think about it every night. I don't know what I would do. I would start again, I guess. I wouldn't let the fear decide for me. I would take action. But I'm not ready yet. I can't go any faster for now.

Regarding the last review, where do I live? It's weird that you asked about it because if I had someone to talk to, that's exactly the topic I would like to share about. Something is going on but I don't feel safe talking about it here. Don't worry, I can take care of myself but... yeah I mean... Something that frightens me will most probably happen and... I feel like a part of my freedom will be taken away. I'm not the same person as I was before, and that's the problem. I'm not ready to take action, but I can't just stay and let it happen. I am definitely a lost snow-white, but I am surrounded by lots of sleeping-beauty (syndrome), to quote Carrisi... It's ok though, I'm sure it'll be sorted out soon. Sorry for that, I suppose you were meaning in which country I do live. That I can't say in a public place. Enough about me! How are you feeling for now? Are you still busy? There's one thing you should know about me. Even when I do feel lost, I still am a good "listener" and I wouldn't mind if there was something you wanted to share. I'm not forcing you, but I really wish you knew I'm here, whenever you want to talk.

take care, dear friend.


Dear R,

You know, sometimes I wonder if you're even real. I never had someone to talk to like I can with you. I mean, what you said about hearing God talking to you... When I read it, I let out a sigh of relief. It meant a lot to me that you didn't think I was crazy for thinking that it was possible to hear things.. When I feel very bad, it's like I can't hear, I can't feel what is right anymore... but I know that the universe is trying hard to help me... I'm mad at myself for not being able to get the sign. Two days after you answered me, I saw a ladybird. I knew it was my father sending it to me. When I was little, I used to love them very much and it's something I shared with him. Here, we have chocolates with shapes of ladybird and he always used to buy me some. And now, when I have something important to do, I used to take one with me. It doesn't matter the weather, I'm always surrounded by ladybirds, and that's how I know I'm not alone. I never said that to anyone before. It's hard to hear the voice of God though, when you're filled with fear... you know, there are so many voices in my head, and most of the time I lose the wise-one. I love the little miracles, just like the one allowing you to offer your mum the necklace. I love knowing that we're not alone. When I write, it's like that... sometimes, I don't event think anymore... I just... let whatever voice I hear do the job and everything is easy... and sometimes, I can't do that, I don't know why. Yesterday, I felt like writing, but I can't find a way to move on with this story... because... I don't know how it feels like, being free from the past, I have no idea how it feels, the truth is, I'm afraid to move on and so I wait for something to happen, but nothing happens and so... I wait... I don't even know what I'm waiting for... I should do something..

What about you? How are you feeling? Did you like forgiving-rollins episode, if you watched it?

Bless you.

luv svu: I'm sorry to hear about the end of your family business, it is always hard to let something we cared so much behind. I hope your dad knows (from what you've written), that he's such an admirable man. I hope you and your family will stick together and that things will turn out in the best way. I will pray for you. My dad died, it was long time ago. I was 7. I don'l like talking about him, not because I feel sad, but because I don't know how I am supposed to feel about it. He hurt lots of people, and that's why I think no one likes to remember him, but I often talk to him. I've been angry with him, but now I'm not anymore I guess. and it's silly, but I like to think that he answers me, that he can hear me. I think he loves me. The other day, I felt so alone but I couldn't tell anybody, because there weren't any word to describe my pain. and that's when I felt like sometimes, people that aren't in this world anymore are closer to me than anyone... because I feel like, they know exactly how I feel and I don't need to explain. Do you think it's even possible? I... know God has a plan for me. I just wanna know what it is. I wish I could know what my mission on earth is. What if, I never find out what I'm supposed to do here?

I like skiing but I don't think I will be able to afford it this year. I think making a snowman will be just fine. I like snow but I'm definitely more a sun-girl. I like the hot-weather better. I'm also happy to have you as a friend. You're not an alien, you're a blessing to me. Take care of you!

luv svu: My cats are my best friends so I could never find silly that you give your pets some presents. I wish I lived in a bigger place so I could adopt lots of animals, I loved them so much, and I've got the weird feeling that they are the only ones that actually love me for who I am.. it's like writing with you... you do not seems to care about what I look like or my past mistakes or the hell I've been through, I mean, of course you care, but you don't judge me. According to your definition of true friends, I've never had one. We need each other, but I do wonder, if someday, someone will look at me and see me special. Do you sometimes wonder if one day, you'll be accepted and loved without feeling the need to hide or without feeling like you're being judged? I'm afraid to write. I guess I miss my Olivia, or whatever presence I used to have, and now is gone. But it's fine, it's for a good reason. I'm so glad to have you. I love when you talk about your family, and what you do. I also have some nice time with my family, but I don't like talking about it. Although it's nice to be with them, it's always hard and honestly, I try to be present and be the person I should be, to care, to be grateful about them and to do everything I can for them to be happy. But... a part of me feels broken and "family time" hurts a little... Is it snowing where you are? Where I live it's been snowing for a few days now and I think it is awesome. Happy new year to you and your lovely pets!

luv svu:

Yeah, I suppose that your feeling is right. It's been hard for me to open up in the first place, I was (and still am) very afraid about the judgment people have on me. I've never been heard in my family neither had justice... and the few friends who used to care about me... listened to me because they had to, but if they had a choice, they wouldn't have. Maybe because they just couldn't handle it, I don't know... anyway... the lesson I learnt was that when I am not ok, it's fine to hope for someone who could understand me, but it's not fine to talk about anything unless I'm sure 100 per cent that I won't hurt someone. also, Christmas isn't exactly the best time of the year for me. I've been feeling better though, don't worry. What are you going to do for Xmas eve? I'm gonna have some pretty time with my family... Nothing special, but I feel happy about it.. I'm kind of lost right now , but it's been a good year for me, when I think about it and I'm grateful for it. I'm also happy to know you, I truly hope you know that I'm gonna come back, you know? and that I surely don't forget about you. Well, I suppose it is hard for you to thrust me on that, I get it... it's ok... but I do care about you. I also would like to thank you, for not giving up on me, it means more than you can imagine.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Luv svu: I'm fine... I just remembered that I was my own Liv... I feel alone that's all... not the good-alone.. the sad one... I know it's ok to feel like this and that... as long as I've got me.. than it's ok... but... you know what I mean right? and I'm so sorry but I can't write right now, it hurts to write... next week I'm on holiday so I'll try again... and you... please tell me about you... I miss you.. what have you been up to? thanks for your support though, it means a lot..

luv svu:Wow you wrote 60 stories? I really know how it can help and you're absolutely right. I'd love to read you.. (but I totally get why you don't feel like sharing it, don't worry)

The other day, when you told me you weren't going away... I was feeling very sad... very lonely.. and... I wanted to answer you, but I couldn't... I felt like even sadder... because... I wish we were closer or I had someone actually caring for me near me... but then... I realised how.. special it was to have someone who doesn't even know me and cares about how I feel. It's something real... you don't like me for what I do in my life or for what I don't... you just care and it's comforting to know. I do hope you feel like I care about you, too. Because I truly do. I'm just having a real bad time... and every time I try to write... It hurts... Sooner or later... I'm sure I'll be able to go through this... and I thank you for the support you show... I love hearing about your stories, your life... The special places you like... It feels like we're friends... how are you, by the way? Take care.

Luv svu: I'm ok... and really sorry for not answering.. I just.. didn't know what to say.. don't worry for me! I really want to finish the story.. but it's like.. I can't.. It's right, Amanda is growing and it scares me.. I can't figure out what she's supposed to do, cuz I never did what I was supposed to. I'm still at the same point... with the beginning of a logical chapter.. but it's not right for me.. I don't like it... your advice was really helpful, though. I will start the chapter again, and write it for myself...
What I miss, is hearing from you... whatever you have to say is fine... Not only because I'm lonely.. but because I think we're connected.. you got me..almost like you know how I feel. and I kind of hope I got you, sometimes... and yes, the quote from mariska, once again.. is exactely what I'm afraid of... I don't know where I'll be going next year, and I'm so scared. I don't know what life expects from me.. or what I expect from life... I wanna make things right for once.. but I just don't know how.. thanks for caring for me, it means a lot.. please do know I don't forget about you.. I couldn't.

Luv svu: I don't know... I'm ok I guess... I don't know where the story is going... I really don't..

Luv svu: Don't worry, I do things for me... I just love so much everything I do now... please, tell me again about you... about the place you like, the things you care about... I love reading you...

Luv svu: Sometimes, I still find myself not wanting to move on... but I try not to feel too guilty about it... I decided I'll take as much time as I need... (sometimes I feel angry with myself because I should progressing faster though). What powerless means? I love what you said. It is true that people that try to make you feel bad are feeling worse than you. But I'm glad I can close my eyes and in one second, remember how it's like, when someone thinks it's the end of the road.. I'm glad I will always be able to be in touch with this hopeless feeling... I don't know why... maybe because I feel grateful it's behind... or maybe because I feel grateful that even if it happened again, I'll react differently.. maybe because it makes me able to feel when someone is in the same position...

Baby Noah? I must admit I wasn't so excited about him being on the show.. but I definitely am now... he's.. adorable! and I loved this second episode even more... It makes me wanna write about Amanda... I hope I'll have the time soon... How are you? I miss you... Right Now..I admit I wish I had a friend like you... Someone I feel I can talk to. I feel alone... don't worry though... I'll be fine in less then 5 minutes... I suppose it's just taking the time to answer you that woke up some weird feelings...Take care!

luv svu:

I just love this sentence that you wrote: "I think if I had truly let go I could have flown" Yesterday I began writing a new chapter... but I stopped... I wasn't sure about it... But I think it'll be out in something like 3 days...What am I thinking about? Well, I'll be very busy for the next three months... but it's about something I just love... and you know what.. I can't really enjoy it because I'm thinking... and then... what am I gonna do? I guess I'm a little afraid about what my life's gonna be like... but don't worry though...Autumn used to depress me a few years ago because I used to go and see my family during the summer.. and it was hard for me to leave them.. to spend a whole year far away from them... Now... well... now everything's changed... Autumn is fine... Every season is ok... I'm used to be alone... even though you'll say that I'm not and God's with me..Am I sure Olivia won't go away? Well, in the real life, I'd say... Yes, she'll go away sooner or later... because it's life... nothing is forever... but if her heart is still close to Amanda.. than is she really away?... But this is a story.. and I do not want to let Olivia go... how many lonely ones are we? I guess it's just comforting to see an Olivia stay, for once...Tell me about you... how are you ?

luv svu: You made me cry, the other day... I wish everyone could take the time to take care of an animal just for one day... I don't say more about it, because it gave me a good idea, something to write about... and now... what you just sent... I guess you're a mind reader, too. How did you know...? Well... thanks, anyway.. I wish I had a friend, like you. Well, I wish a had a friend. Take care... you're special... and it's a blessing... (I'll give you a better answer in the next chapter.. Now I'm... kind of wordless.. sorry)


"What would you do if you could stop the time?" Olivia asked to break the silence, noticing that Amanda was staring the clock as if it was ready to eat her alive.

The blonde let out a powerless sigh. "Nothing" If she could control the flew of life, she's probably stay there, sitting and waiting for the eternity. If she couldn't move forward in a right way, then she preferred not moving at all.

Olivia knew better than repeating that it was "just" a dinner. Obviously, it wasn't easy for Amanda to share her actual state with someone and minimizing her feelings wouldn't help. Instead, she decided to offer the anxious woman an emergency exit. "Listen, if.. for whatever reason, at some point you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to explain yourself, you can simply go in my bedroom. Hmm?"

Finally Amanda made eye contact with the brunette, who was finishing to set the table. Knowing that hiding was possible gave her a little courage to stay. "What would they.. What.."

"Nobody's expecting anything... It doesn't matter if you're tensed or happy, if you laugh or cry... they just wanna see you.. the real you". Olivia meant every word but a part of her was thinking about how she felt when she had to go back to work after Lewis. Now, she couldn't remember if oppression was caused by the devouring eyes on her or by her own feeling that people would be staring. Anyway, it was easy for the brunette to connect with Amanda's apprehension.

"I'm not that hungry" The blonde admitted, wondering what would everybody think about each one of her gestures.

"You eat what you can, it doesn't matter. Just do what you feel honey" A last reassuring smile and the doorbell rang, taking Amanda's breath away.

Before rushing to the door, Olivia took the time to take an amplified breath, encouraging the pale woman to do the same. Only when Amanda nodded, the brunette opened, dearly hoping that her initial plan would succeed. "Hey Nick... Come in!"

Amanda was sitting in the living-room. Even though she tried to stay composed, her heart started up an unstoppable race. Maybe, she would have felt more comfortable meeting a bunch of criminals than her friends because, what they would think actually mattered more than her own opinion of herself. "Rollins!" Nick awkwardly greeted, not sure about how he should act.

Emptiness was all the young woman's eyes could offer and even if Nick didn't notice it immediately, Olivia got worried the second she caught sight of Amanda's blue lips, indicating a sudden drop of her blood pressure.

"'Manda look at me" The brunette asked, quickly going past Nick and kneeling close to the blonde. Olivia was careful to keep her voice quiet, even though she began to blame herself mentally. She should have known it was too much stress to take in. "Amanda" she repeated, squeezing the blonde's hand to prove her presence.

"Yeah hmm.. I.." Amanda rapidly blinked her eyes a few times. "I forgot I need to take Frannie out" she finally said, while her cheeks regained colour.

"Yeah, we should do that!" An ironical voice suddenly resounded. Taking note of Nick's shocked expression, Olivia's worried eyes and Amanda's urge to escape, Fin instantaneously reconstructed the scene he just missed.

"Fiiin" Amanda smiled, familiar with her parter's cynic intonation

"I don't think it's.." Olivia answered straightaway. If she had underestimated once how stressful Amanda was feeling, she wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

"We'll be just fine!" Fin assured, giving Olivia the let-me-handle-it look.


"So, how's life since you decided you're a bother for me?" Fin's clever way to ask Amanda why she chose to leave his place had the power to begin the conversation without making the blonde feel ill at ease

"Drop it!" However, she had no good explanation to give.

"Just tell me... cuz I'm curious, since when you're a mind reader?" Even though he was acting relaxed, Fin wouldn't let go before he made clear that he care for his partner.

"I just thought it was time to.."

"To be stupid?"

If a hundred people told her she was brave, Amanda would understand that she was stupid, but if Fin told her that, the meaning was different. Not only she heard his hidden concern, but she understood he was one of the rare person in the whole world that could make her feel good with his simple presence. "Yeah, to be stupid" Amanda answered, wondering if she made the right choice after all. What was the point of staying alone when she felt better with her friends?


"I didn't expect that! "Nick admitted to Liv, in the meanwhile. Of course he knew it wasn't going to be easy to act like nothing happened but he wasn't prepared to see Rollins so vulnerable.

"She has a hard time remembering we're on her side" Olivia vaguely answered, trying to reassure Nick, without breaking Amanda's trust.

"Yeah but what are we supposed to talk about? I didn't even have the time to ask her how she was feeling.."

"Don't ask her that!" Olivia warned, imagining the damage that a simple sentence like "how are you?" could entail for someone who feels she doesn't worth life.

"So, what do you want me to talk about?" Nick asked, not sure about what was good and what wasn't. He didn't know Rollins that well and he felt nervous about how bad he could make her feel without even realising it.

"Job... talk job!" Olivia answered, sure of herself.


That's how they finally spent the night, talking about the cases Amanda missed. At first, the blonde was hardly listening. She was so focused on what anyone was thinking and how she should act, that she wasn't really present. But then, somewhere in the middle of the case with a little girl that refused to recognize her father as her aggressor, the blonde forgot her appearance and focused all her attention on Nick's words. That's when Amanda realised there was nothing else in the universe that she wanted to do for a living. That's when she realised, she wouldn't let someone who doesn't know how it feels like to be broken, taking care of scared little girls. She could do it, and she would do it.


"Thanks Liv" Amanda said, once they were alone in the kitchen.

"Before being able to help others again though, you need to help yourself" Olivia anticipated, already aware that her plan worked.

"Maybe" the blonde admitted, still not sure why, but not wanting to discuss it now. "Still, don't replace me.. I'm gonna be back on the team" Amanda nodded with determination.

"I never doubted it" Olivia assured, touched by the conviction and the assurance the blue eyes revealed.

"Livia?" Hesitation was back in the blonde's voice, but it was for a noble attempt. "Would you really mind if... " Maybe it was ridiculous but she hid her shaky hands under the table.

Even though she was almost sure that Liv wouldn't yell at her, there would always be a second, during which the worse scenarios would cross her mind. It was useless to fight it. "I don't wanna go to my place tonight", she finally whispered.

"You're welcome to stay for how long as you want honey" Olivia didn't miss to reassure, although it was obvious for her that Amanda wouldn't be alone tonight.

But maybe, even the second of terror had a meaning. Amanda would forever remember what powerless means and weirdly, she was thankful for this mixed blessing.