Fragments of Us

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Warnings: None for this chapter

Chapter 51 – Grief & Healing: Mothers & Sons

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Kate continued to apologize, whilst squeezing Sirius' hand weakly. Sirius held onto her hand like a lifeline, head down, sobs wracking his body. After a time, he could take Kate's apologies no more and gently lifted her into his arms where she settled against his chest and, finally, with Sirius rocking her gently, Kate fell silent. Molly went into the Great Room, seating herself in a chair close to the doorway, ensuring she could immediately hear if she were needed.

Sirius continued to rock Kate gently back and forth as he cried the tears he had not shed since learning of her injuries. He didn't know how long they sat together, but he suddenly became aware that Kate was trying to move. Sirius loosened his hold and Kate carefully tilted her head up to look at his face. "There's so much I want to tell you, " she whispered, her eyes searching his. "I'm just … I'm so tired."

Sirius nodded and eased her back down onto her pillows. "You've been through so much," he whispered, bringing his hand up to gently wipe the tears from her cheeks. More than you even know, he thought sadly to himself.

When Sirius began to pull back, Kate protested, fresh tears standing in her eyes. "Don't leave me," she whispered. "I know you're angry and you don't know if you want to be with me any longer, but … I'm afraid if I sleep, you'll go and I won't have the chance …and I don't even know where we are, so I wouldn't know where to start looking for you and …" Kate stopped when Sirius brought his finger to rest gently against her lips.

"Shh," he moved his hand to smooth her hair back from her face. "I'm not going anywhere." He felt his eyes fill as he looked at her distraught face. "I'm not going anywhere," Sirius repeated, his voice cracking at the end. "You need to sleep, so close your eyes and rest. I promise that I'll be here when you wake up again. You're safe. We're both completely safe here." Sirius saw the question reemerge in her eyes. "We're at Hogwarts; we're in a hidden chamber of the hospital wing called 'The Annex'. We're safe, Katie. Rest, now." Kate's grip on his hand eased and her eyes began to close. "I'll be here. I promise."

As Sirius stopped speaking, Kate's eyes opened wide and she lifted the hand on which he'd placed his ring. "I know," she whispered, then closed her eyes and fell into a natural sleep for the first time in days. Sirius' vision blurred once again and he turned and walked into the Great Room.

Making his way to the sofa in front of the fire, Sirius never saw Molly sitting near the doorway. He dropped down onto the sofa and put his face in his hands. Merlin, why can't I seem to control this? It was as if someone has pulled a plug and the dam has burst. He felt the sofa dip beside him and he turned, half-expecting to see Kate, although the more rational side of his brain knew that wasn't possible. Instead, Molly was sitting facing him, with her arms open. Feeling the last bit of his control slip away, Sirius leaned into them and for the second time that day surrendered to the feelings coursing through him. Molly embraced the man beside her and just let him get it out of his system. She rubbed small circles on his back and rocked him as Sirius had done with Kate earlier in the evening. After about a half hour, Sirius straightened and cleared his face with the sleeve of his robes.

"I'm sorry," he croaked, his voice hoarse. "You've already got one patient; you certainly don't need a grown man falling apart on you as well."

"It's not about when I need," Molly replied taking his hand. "Perhaps it's about what you need."

Sirius shook his head. "I don't know what I need," he said. "I don't even know how to explain what I feel." He looked at Molly. "Maybe I just don't know what I feel anymore."

Molly squeezed his hand. "You are welcome to talk it out with me, you know."

"Sort of an objective third party, eh?" Sirius asked, sniffing a bit, but giving her a small smile.

Molly shook her head. "I'm not 'objective' at all, child. Make no mistake about that. Yes, I care very much about Kate and I want her to recover and be well. But you've been through a great deal in your lifetime as well; you've been robbed of so much time. Perhaps it's because you remind me a bit of my own son that I can sit here and tell you that I'm more inclined to take your part; and I'm willing to wager that you haven't heard that very often in your past."

Sirius looked at her, his face clearly showing his surprise. "No, I haven't – at least, not in a very long time."

"Don't mistake my lack of objectivity with any inability to tell you the truth. I can manage to take your side and still tell you the truth of a situation – even if it will be a tough truth to hear," Molly said, squeezing his hand.

"I hope your son appreciates you," Sirius said, sincerely.

Molly smiled sadly. "I think he did. Past tense. He was killed in the first war – one of the first victims of the newly formed Death Eaters. But, when he was alive, we were quite close. He was quite the rebel: bright, handsome, with a good sense of fun - and he had quite a way with the witches." Her eyes sparkled at the memory. "He was a good boy who fought for what – and who – he believed in." She paused. "Like you."

"He wasn't just like me, though," Sirius whispered. "He had you. He had a family who loved him and supported him. I never had that."

"You have Kate, Remus and Tonks who love you," Molly said softly.

"Yes. They are my family now," Sirius agreed. "Back when I was a boy, however, Remus, James Potter and - well, we'll just stop the list there – they were my family at school, but on end of term holidays, I had to return to my family's home in London. It was a nightmare come to life. My parents – pureblood fanatics – were horrified that I was sorted into Gryffindor and made the holidays miserable. I finally ran away when I was 16. I stayed with James' family; I was always welcome there and it really felt like home to me – at least what I imagined 'home' would feel like."

"They became your family, too."

Sirius nodded. "Very much so."

"And then after Hogwarts, you became an Auror," Molly prompted; armed with the information she had received from Albus when she had asked for a bit of Sirius' history. Albus had sensed her sincere affection for the man and had gladly told her Sirius' story. If Molly truly cared for Sirius, perhaps they could each give the other something that was very much needed.

Sirius smiled. "I did. For 2 years, we fought against Voldemort, but then it all went wrong. James and Lily were killed. Harry, my Godson, was sent to live with his Muggle aunt and uncle in Surrey. I was arrested and sent to Azkaban for crimes I didn't commit." He looked over at Molly. "Aren't you glad you asked?"

Molly squeezed his hand. "Will you tell me about Kate?"

Sirius caught his breath. "It hurts," he said quietly, surprising himself by his admission.

"I know, child, but perhaps that will ease a bit if you talk about it."

Sirius was quiet for a time, then sighed and began. "You know quite a bit about us already. We've been together since school and have been through so much – good and bad. She was there when I was arrested. The last time I saw her face, she was horrified and thought I'd been responsible for James' and Lily's deaths. She went to America because the Ministry made her life here miserable, just because we were together before my arrest. I ruined her life without meaning to, I suppose. That was the first time trust became a real issue for us," Sirius responded.

"If that's true, I would suggest that your life was ruined at that time as well – also beyond your control," Molly observed. "And trust was a rare commodity back then – for everyone. I remember."

"Agreed. But, Molly, I had something to do with my own destiny," Sirius corrected. "I convinced the Potters to use Pettigrew as their Secret-keeper. I knew Voldemort would come after me; I was the obvious choice. I was so worried that I'd give them up under torture. I figured that no one would suspect Peter. I trusted him with such precious lives," he growled. Molly squeezed his hand gently and he brought himself under control after several deep breaths.

"But, Sirius, you didn't know that this other man, Pettigrew, would betray you and your friends. If you had, you never would have suggested him. You know that," Molly stressed that point to him and he finally nodded.

"I know all of that, Molly, but there will always be a piece of me that feels responsible for their deaths," Sirius was solemn as he quietly acknowledged this.

"Kate came back," she said, anxious for him to begin talking again.

"That she did, Molly. But we had our issues. She's Harry Potter's Godmother, you know, but I didn't want him told straight away. That decision hurt her and when she worked out why I didn't want him to know, she was really angry with me. You see, most people shelter Harry from reality for a variety of reasons. Some do it because they think he's got enough to deal with and others do it for control. I chose not to tell him about Kate – and made her promise not to say anything – because I didn't want him to think that I'd not told him something so important long before. She figured out that I also thought that if Harry was my sole responsibility and I took care of him well enough, I could make up for my mistake to James and Lily," Sirius took a deep breath. "She's pretty bright, Kate is. She worked it all out." He glanced over at Molly and then continued. "Harry had already begun to figure it out for himself over Christmas and, well, Kate and I had a falling out over the fact that she told him."

"Despite the fact she'd promised not to?" Molly asked.

"Yeah, but it turned out that there was a good reason for it. If she hadn't done it when she did, I would have had a very emotional moment in front of Harry that could have been pretty damaging," Sirius admitted, surprised at how easily he was able to say it aloud. "We had such a hard time then – over that and other things, as well. I'd given her a promise ring for Christmas; it had a different meaning to it than the traditional one. I gave it to her so she would remember that I had promised to work on … well, on things that I needed to work on. I thought that at times I'd really mucked it up, she could look at the ring and remember that I was trying. After that last blow up, she gave it back to me on a gold chain and said that she wasn't giving it back to me forever – that it was hers and one day she hoped to wear it properly. For now, she suggested that it might help for me to wear it instead, so that I could remember my promises." He stopped and gave a short, humorless laugh. " Kate told me that she never forgot what I'd promised her – or her promises to me - and that she didn't need the ring as a reminder."

Molly looked at his neck. "But you're not wearing it anymore."

Almost unconsciously, Sirius' hand went to the spot on his chest where the ring had hung. He shook his head. "No. I gave it back to Kate tonight. I put it on her finger just before she awakened." He felt his throat tighten and his vision blurred. "I told her that if we fixed things between us then she could look at the ring and remember what we'd faced during this time and that we'd sorted it out. If we didn't fix things and finally walked away from each other, then she would always know that we tried our hardest but, in the end, we just couldn't get it right." Sirius stopped speaking and rose, walking toward the hearth. After awhile, he spoke again. "It's the baby, Molly. We promised each other that we wouldn't keep things secret again; this was a big secret to keep, no matter what the reason," he said.

"I agree with you," Molly said, simply. "It was a huge secret for her to keep from you. It's completely understandable that you no longer love her; how can you, after all?"

Sirius had been looking into the fire absently, but was brought up sharply at her words. "I didn't say that I didn't love her, Molly."

"Child, I have a confession to make. I overheard you talking to Kate yesterday," Molly said. "I heard your voice and automatically went into the room thinking Kate had awakened. Please forgive me. I didn't want to intrude or interrupt you so …"

Sirius shook his head. "It's alright, Molly. I understand and I don't mind."

"The fact is that I heard you say that you didn't feel the love you knew you had for her. I heard you say that perhaps love wasn't enough," Molly told him.

Sirius put his head down. "Perhaps it isn't. If we loved each other so much, wouldn't it be? Why do we keep coming together only to fall apart again? There's just no trust and I don't think I can keep this up much longer."

"I don't know the answers, child. I do know, however, that love is worth any fight, any sacrifice. Don't you think Kate paid a price for not telling you about the baby? I'm not saying that she made the right decision, but I don't for a minute believe that she made her choice based on what she thought would hurt you the most. She was wrong in trying to protect you, based on your promises to each other; that I will agree with, but, Sirius, think - do you want to throw away everything you've been fighting for; everything you had before Azkaban and could finally have again?" Molly's voice was impassioned.

"I thought you were on my side," Sirius commented wryly, returning to the sofa and sitting down heavily.

"My dear child, I am on your side – more than you know. In my lifetime, I have seen so many people throw away happiness with both hands so they could hang onto misplaced pride. You and Kate have worked through so much of what's been stacked against you. The fact of the broken promise flies in the face of your trust for her; the reason behind the broken promise only serves to reinforce how much she loves you – and how wrong it would be to turn away from that love without digging in and fighting the rest of the way." Molly stopped speaking and reached for Sirius' hands again, squeezing them until he looked at her. "Sirius, we are fighting for our very lives against an unspeakable evil. How can we win if we cannot find the courage to fight for each other first?"

They sat there, eyes locked on one another for several moments, the crackling of the fire the only sound in the room. Both looked as they felt – emotionally and physically exhausted.

"Kate's fought for me," Sirius whispered finally. "…every time she's let me back in, given me another chance, that's been why."

"As you have for her," Molly said quietly.

Sirius nodded. "Yes, but not as often," he smiled tiredly. "We have a lot to work out, Katie and I, but she's worth fighting for." He looked at the Healer and his expression suddenly changed to one of great gentleness. "You're pretty courageous, yourself," he said. "You were willing to fight for me, knowing that I would also be your opponent in the battle. That took some nerve. Your son was very lucky; he had a very good mother. I find myself quite envious of him."

Molly's eyes filled as she thought of her son, lost so very long ago and of this wizard before her, who had never really had a mother who loved him enough to fight for him. She returned his smile. "Well, child, perhaps you're not too old to need a little mothering to keep you on the straighter path. Now that I have a little experience, perhaps I can help you there."

Sirius' eyes widened and his smile grew bigger. He leaned forward and hugged her tightly, feeling her arms go round him as well. "How could I refuse such an honor?" he murmured, then pulled away a bit to look at her. "Besides, you already like my girlfriend; how many sons can say they have that behind them?" Molly smiled broadly and hugged him tightly one more time before releasing him and standing. "Who would have believed that Kate's first visit to hospital would have led to this?" she mused.

At the mention of Kate's name, coupled with the hospital, Sirius' smile fled. "Molly, she doesn't know about the miscarriage," he said. "She'll have to be told."

Molly nodded. "Yes, child, she will. The right time will present itself; it always does."

"I need to go back to her," Sirius said, rising as well. "I promised I'd be there when she wakes up."

Molly headed into Kate's room ahead of him. "On one condition. I'll conjure a bed for you – next to hers – so you can get some sleep, as well. You've gotten precious little rest and you can't afford to be getting sick," Molly's voice was firm and Sirius suspected that he needed to give over to her and he did.

Molly conjured a second bed, setting it down so there was no space between it and the one on which Kate rested. Once she checked on Kate and pronounced her 'fine', Molly patted Sirius' cheek, wished him a good night and left the room.

Sirius removed his outer robes and tugged off his boots and socks, slipping under the blanket still in trousers and turtleneck. Settling on his side, facing Kate's profile, Sirius reached for Kate's hand. Holding it gently in his own, he watched her until his eyelids grew too heavy to continue and with her image in his mind, he finally slept.