Hi everyone. I apologise for breaking Charlie and Joey up and only hope that you can trust me enough to know that they will recover. I also need to put a warning on this chapter and the next as they do contain images of an upsetting and possibly triggering nature. It feels like the right direction to take the character in for the next part of her journey through life. The next few chapters will be pretty emotional – providing I do my job right – but they will get through all of it. So I hope you can forgive me and that you'll stick with this story as it plays out. You'll be rewarded! Thank you all so much for your commitment and feedback. You have no idea what it means to me! IJKS xxx

Chapter Fifty-One

November 2009

Joey meekly entered the house. Everything was dark and quiet. Swallowing, she moved through the house and up the stairs. Dim light under the door of hers and Charlie's bedroom told her that the lamp was on. She knocked and pushed the door. Hovering in the entrance, she looked at Charlie who was sitting up in bed staring at nothing. Charlie turned to face her, eyes empty and cold.

"Charlie, what happened tonight, it really wasn't..." Joey ventured.

"I'm not interested."

Feeling like all her energy had been drained out of her, Joey slowly moved into the room. She lifted her pyjamas from beneath her pillow and grabbed her underwear from a drawer. Pulling fresh jeans and a t-shirt from the closet and the towel she'd left on the back of the chair from her earlier shower, she hoped it was all she'd need for the morning. She slowly walked back to the door.

"Goodnight," she whispered. "I love you."

Charlie didn't reply. Joey moved across the hall in order to settle herself in the spare room.


Charlie continued to sit in bed, looking out towards the window replaying the night's events in her mind. She desperately wanted the whole thing to be some kind of mistake, for Joey to be telling the truth. She wanted to excuse her in some way. But then the images of Joey lying stretched out on the sand with Kayla lying beside her, hand on Joey's tummy, lips on her lips, invaded her mind. Charlie pulled a face and cringed at the thought. How long had it been going on? Had Joey had sex with Kayla? Was that what all the night trips had been about? Charlie shook her head. She couldn't even bear to think about it. Clicking off the lamp, she threw herself beneath the covers and squeezed her eyes shut.


Tucked up in the spare room, Joey allowed herself to cry. Losing all control, she didn't care how loud or undignified she was. She barely remembered the night that had led up to this moment. She had fragments of images in her mind. One minute she'd panicked at the vision of Roman leaning into Charlie, smiling like the cat who'd got the cream. Then she'd gone to cry on the beach for what felt like hours. Then Kayla had been there, getting in the way of her grief. She hadn't even noticed her approach. It had almost been like an out of body experience. She hadn't been able to feel anything until it was too late. How long had Kayla been kissing her for? Had she done anything else? How the hell hadn't she noticed and pushed her away? Why had Charlie had to find them at completely the wrong moment? She sobbed harder.


Charlie crushed her pillow over her head. Even across the hall she could hear Joey wailing. Tears stung her own eyes as she wondered how they had reached this place. She fucking cheated on me, Charlie angrily reminded herself. She thumped her fist against Joey's vacant pillow and cried harder.


The following morning, Joey woke up early for work, switched her alarm off and stayed in bed. Lying awake, she listened as Ruby got up and ready for school. She heard Charlie emerge from her room and get ready for work. And still she stayed in the spare room, never wanting to leave.


"Hey, what's up with you?" Watson asked.

Charlie had been wandering around like a zombie all morning. It was worrying.

"Nothing," Charlie lied.

"Charlie Buckton, don't lie to me. Did you not make up with Joey?"

"No, I broke up with Joey," Charlie said quickly, hurrying into her office.

Watson jumped up and followed her.

"What?" she said urgently. "What are you talking about?"

"She kissed Kayla. At least I think that's all that happened."

"Charlie, there's got to be some kind of explanation. This is Joey we're talking about. Joey who loves you. She'd never go off with someone else."

"Well, she did so let's all just get over it, shall we?" Charlie snapped.

"Charlie..." Watson pleaded.

"Just leave me alone, Watson!" Charlie snapped. "I don't want to talk about this. Ever. Me and Joey are over. End of story."

Sensing that now really wasn't the time to talk about it, Watson sighed and moved away but it didn't stop her fretting.


It was two weeks later and the Buckton-Collins household was tense. Joey was permanently living in the spare room while Charlie had taken their formerly joint bedroom for herself. Ruby was heartbroken at the distress between them. It felt like she was going through some kind of parental divorce. Joey had considered renting an apartment by herself or moving onto Aden's couch several times but she couldn't quite bring herself to do it. She insisted that it was because she owned half the house and she shouldn't have to move but really it was because she couldn't bear to accept that her relationship with Charlie was truly over. Over twenty years of love and friendship and she was certain this couldn't really be it. How could they just walk away from each other like this? She'd tried to talk to Charlie many times but she hadn't wanted to hear anything Joey had to say. It was like she'd completely shut down. Both of them lived a life of getting up, going to work, coming home, not talking and going to sleep. It was heartbreaking.


Charlie sat at her desk eating the lunch she'd grabbed from Crumble. Leah's food was always good and yet she could barely taste anything. Nothing felt good anymore. She missed Joey terribly and she was beginning to think she'd made a huge mistake by not allowing her to give her side of the story. She wanted Joey to tell her that the whole thing was a mistake but Charlie knew what she'd seen. Joey had been flat on her back with Kayla all over her. How could she possibly explain that? She couldn't. Not honestly. She felt sick to know she had lost Joey for good. It had been one of her fears before they'd got together – that if anything happened to them as a couple, she would also lose her best friend. It felt like she'd lost a limb. Living without Joey was hell. She tossed her food into the bin and swallowed the last of her coffee. Standing up, she headed out of her office.

"I'm taking the rest of the day off," she told Jack.


It was rare that Joey didn't feel happy out on the water but right now, she didn't think she'd ever be happy again. Since that night with Kayla, Joey had fired her without ceremony and she was now a crew member down while she found a replacement. For now, it was just her, Aden and Gibsy at work. Moving to the edge of the boat, as they drew back into shore, Joey began to unhook the nets.

"Ow!" she hissed when a hook caught her hand.

Blood seeped from the wound. She stopped and watched the dark red liquid drip from her hand onto the deck, losing herself in the visual.

"Joey, are you okay?" Aden asked, coming up behind her.

Joey snapped back to reality.

"Yeah, I just cut my hand," she said, moving below deck, to the place she hated in order to find the first aid kit.


Charlie sank down onto her knees in front of Elsie's grave. She'd stopped on her way in order to buy her mother some flowers. Sighing heavily, she laid them down and promptly burst into tears.


The crew stepped back onto land and Joey turned for home. She walked with her head down and pushed through the front door. Tossing her keys on the table, she stalked through the house and up to what had become her bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She sat on her bed, on top of the pillows, resting her back against the wall. She wondered what Charlie was doing at work now. Would she be sitting at her desk or out fighting crime? Was she safe? Throughout Charlie's career, Joey had always worried about her. Yet again, she replayed that night in her mind. If only she hadn't jumped to conclusions and got so upset over Charlie talking to Roman, if only she'd had realised what Kayla's intentions were, she could have avoided all this mess. But seeing Charlie with the first guy who'd stolen her heart had been too much, especially considering she and Charlie had been arguing. Something inside her had broken and left her completely unable to function. And she'd lost everything that mattered to her. Once again, she'd been the loser. She felt like her entire life had consisted of loss. First her mother had died, then her father, Zoe had betrayed her, her relationship with her brother had completely broken down and then Elsie had slipped away. Charlie had been her reason for living, the person who keep her afloat, who kept her sane. What was so wrong with her that nobody stayed? Why did everyone leave her? Why did she always end up so isolated and lost? With familiar tears falling, Joey looked down at the bandage on her hand. The shock of the sharp metal stinging her hand had been the first time she'd really felt something aside from this awful numbness for weeks. Slowly, she unwrapped the dressing.


"Mum, I just don't know what to do," Charlie said tearfully. "How could she treat me like this? I... I never ever thought the day would come when we'd be in this situation. We've loved each other for so long and... How could she go off with someone else? And Kayla of all people! She's not even pretty!"


Joey winced as she squeezed the wound on her hand. Blood began to seep from it and her injury stung. Maybe hurt was all she deserved. Maybe she never should have been with Charlie in the first place. She was obviously too good for her. Charlie was beautiful, brave and talented. She was pretty much perfect in every way. Joey felt like a fool to have thought they could ever be together forever. It was inevitable that Joey would mess up eventually and lose her. She pinched the wound harder.


"If you were here, I know you'd help us work things out," Charlie continued, searching the engraving of her mother's gravestone as if it held some kind of answer.

"You'd never let us leave a room until we'd talked but Mum, I can't even look at her. Every time I see her all I can picture is her lying there in Kayla's arms. I feel like if I gave her a chance to talk to me about what happened, she'd only lie. And I can't bear for her to lie to me and make things worse. I just... I don't understand how she could do this to me. How could she do this?"


December 2009

Joey woke up feeling like hell. She woke up the same way every morning. Squeezing her eyes shut she wished the day away. Opening them again, she realised that she had no choice but to get up. Wincing in pain, she swung her legs off the single bed she now slept in and pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms to match her top. Unhappily, she headed towards the bathroom to have a shower.


Charlie emerged from her bedroom for an early shift at work. Her days and nights were exceptionally long now and she spent as little time in the house as possible. Home was hard but neither she nor Joey were willing to move out even though living together was destroying them both, not to mention Ruby. Charlie knew it was selfish but she didn't want to walk out on her family home and to demand that Joey left, no matter how angry she still was with her, was too much. She wasn't even sure if she was angry with her anymore. She didn't really know how she felt now. It was like she was living with the shadow of Joey instead of the real person. And the part of Charlie that was still desperately in love with her couldn't help but worry. When she saw the dark circles under her eyes and the paleness of her skin, she wanted to ask her how she was. When she realised just how much weight she was losing, she wanted to cook her a meal and a big fat dessert. And every day Charlie seemed to encounter something that reminded her of Joey and it took everything she had not to text or call her to tell her about it. Watson had been good to her, although she knew that she was desperate for them to get back together. She'd been about as subtle as a brick through the window when it came to talking about that. Charlie stopped abruptly when she saw Joey emerging from the shower in her towel. Joey swallowed, looked down, tucked her towel tighter around her and hurried back to her room. Charlie sighed and took her place in the vacant bathroom.


"Hey, um, Jo, what are you doing for Christmas?" Aden asked.

It was an awkward question that he'd been shy of bringing up but December 25th was only a week away now and he was worried about his best friend being alone during a family time. Joey just shrugged and continued with her work in silence. She didn't really talk a lot these days, not even to him. Part of him hated Charlie for doing this to Joey. He realised that the situation hadn't looked good. Joey had somewhat hysterically explained everything to him the next day and he could understand that Charlie was hurting. He could only imagine catching Belle in that kind of situation when they were together. They weren't even an item now and every time he saw her with her arms draped around Hugo, it pierced his heart. But Charlie hadn't even bothered to give Joey a chance to tell her side. He didn't think that was fair at all.

"Well um, Jack and Martha invited me round to their place. And they said there was a seat at the table for you too if you wanted it," he said.

"Thanks," Joey replied. "I'll let you know."

He doubted she'd take him up on the offer but at least she'd agreed to think about it. Aden knew only too well what it was like to lose the one you loved. He just wished he could reach Joey. She seemed to have faded far away from everyone.


After work Charlie had a craving for a cold beer so she headed to the Jukebox. Christmas was playing on her mind. This time last year she and Joey had been busy playing house. Now what were they going to do? Should they spend it together for the sake of each other and Ruby? Right now they couldn't even be in the same room as each other. Christmas together would be awful. But she couldn't bear to be without Joey and she hated the idea of Joey spending the day alone. Charlie had no idea what to do. This time last year she'd believed she had everything made. Her whole future was sorted. Whatever happened in any other area of her life, Joey was her constant, her security, her rock. Now, everything felt crazy.

"Hey, Martha," she said, pulling up a bar stool.

"Hey," Martha replied, giving her the compassionate look that everyone seemed to offer these days.

Charlie ordered her beer and began gulping it down as soon as it was served.

"Are things no better?" Martha asked.

Charlie just stared at her.

"Stupid question," her friend concluded.

"How are things with you?"

Martha and Jack had been trying with no success for a baby for almost a year now. They'd been told that the problem lay with Jack and since then, the couple hadn't been communicating very well.

"We're about as happy as you are, I think," Martha sighed.

"Why do we do this to ourselves?" Charlie wondered, sighing heavily.


"Joey!"

Joey froze with the recognition of the voice calling her name.

"Joey," the voice said again.

She heard the sound of footsteps as the voice jogged up to her. Joey turned and came face to face with Kayla.

"Hey," the girl said, smiling. "Listen, I know you're hurting right now but I just want to talk."

"You want to talk?"

"Yeah. I just... I'm sorry."

Joey half-laughed and looked away.

"You think you can apologise and that's it?" she asked.

"I only did what I did because I love..."

Anger seethed in Joey's veins as she lurched forward and grabbed Kayla by the throat, shoving her again the side of Crumble, tears burning her eyes.

"In case I haven't made myself clear, I don't want to hear any of the stupid shit that comes out of your mouth. I don't give a fuck if you think you love me. I don't give a fuck what's going on in that crazy fucking head of yours. I have spent my entire life in love with the same girl and now because of you, I've lost her. Forever. There's not a single thing I can do to get her back because she won't even look at me, let alone listen to what I've got to say. And do you know why, Kayla?"

She slammed her again into the wall, not caring that she was turning pink and looking breathless.

"It's because she thinks I cheated on her. But you and I both know I didn't. I was lying there in hysterics and you... you put your hands and mouth all over me and I was so fucked that I didn't even understand what you were doing. And you knew that but you carried on anyway. I bet you were counting on Charlie finding us, weren't you? You took advantage and you cost me everything."

She pulled Kayla away from the wall and shoved her into thin air. Kayla stumbled backwards to the ground.

"The worst thing I ever did was hire you," Joey said, looking down at her. "Before that, I had everything. I finally had all that I was searching for and now... now I've got nothing. You took away everything I ever dreamed of. Now I'm just wishing the days away until I get to be with my Mum again."


Three beers later, Charlie wasn't feeling any cheerier. Martha was keeping tabs on her and preparing to call Watson if necessary but so far, she seemed to be behaving herself. The barmaid's heart sank when Roman entered. He spotted Charlie and smiled, coming to sit beside her.

"Hey, Senior Constable. How are you?" he asked.

Roman had settled fairly quickly since his arrival to town in October. He'd been a hit with a fair few women and nobody could deny the fact that he was fantastic eye candy. But really, he'd only had eyes for one woman: Charlie. Even newly single, the cop hadn't expressed any interest in her former fling but she was polite enough whenever she saw him.

"A little tipsy," she replied honestly.

"Tipsy enough to agree to a dinner date?"

"What you're really asking is if I'm tipsy enough to not be gay anymore and I'm sorry darling, it just doesn't work that way."

He smiled but was disappointed.

"Come on," he urged. "You've been with two guys and one girl. That doesn't say gay to me."

"I've been with two guys and loved one girl," she pointed out. "That's all the gay I need."

"So, you didn't enjoy sex with me or this other guy?" Roman asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.

"It was okay," she said, not wanting to hurt his feelings. "But it's not what I want."

"And what do you want?"

She fought the urge to cry.

"Something I'll never have again," she said.


As soon as she Joey got home, he shut herself into the little box room and shrugged her jeans off. Sitting cross legged on the narrow bed, she leant over and pulled open the bottom drawer of her bedside table. She looked down at her thighs which already bore too many scars. They made her feel ugly but the habit continued. Closing her eyes, she ran the blade across her skin. Opening up, she watched blood flow like tears.


Charlie didn't arrive home until she was feeling wobbly on her feet. Roman had been persistent and she'd rebuffed him kindly but firmly. Regardless of gender, she wasn't ready to date anyone again. Joey was still the only person who filled her heart and mind. Heading to the sink, she poured herself a glass of water and gulped it down, looking up when she heard footsteps. Suddenly she came face to face with Joey.

"Sorry," the younger girl said quietly. "I didn't realise you were home."

"I just got in."

"Nice night?"

"Fine. You?"

"Fine."

Neither girl chose to acknowledge the fact that it was nine thirty and Joey was in her pyjamas. Joey opened the fridge and poured herself a glass of juice, keeping the door open and her face hidden. She longed for the days when she and Charlie had been so natural with each other, so loving, close and tender. This life was hell. It was painful and she couldn't bear it.

"Are you having everyone over for Christmas?" she asked, shutting the fridge but still refusing to look at Charlie.

Charlie shifted and stared at her water.

"I hadn't thought about it."

"Well, you can have the house to yourself," Joey told her. "Just so you know. I made other plans."

"Okay. Thanks."

Charlie's mind was racing as she wondered what kind of other plans Joey had made and more specifically, who had she made them with.

"No problem," Joey said softly.

She slipped out of the room as silently as she'd arrived.


That night, Charlie cried herself to sleep. Across the hall, she could hear Joey's sobs. She clung to the bed, forcing herself not to go in and comfort her. We need to learn to live by ourselves, she reminded herself, even though her heart was breaking.


Joey fell asleep a mess of blood and tears. She hadn't even bothered to clean herself up before she drifted off. Exhausted from all the pain she was in, her mind plunged into turbulent dreams.