The Return Part I
"We need to talk."
She knew it was coming. She'd known as soon as she heard they'd been ordered back to Earth. A part of her hoped it wouldn't, but the rest of her knew it would. She nodded and moved aside to let him into her room.
Carson was wringing his hands. This made Helena smile, despite herself, because she knew it meant that he was nervous.
"Relax, Carson. Come, sit." She walked to the couch and sat.
He set his mouth and nodded, sitting next to her. His eyes settled on the boxes she was in the middle of packing. "Do you know where you're going?"
She shook her head. "No. Peterson until the Army figures out what to do with me." She chewed on her bottom lip. "I could end up anywhere. You?"
"Stargate Command. Surgical Position."
She smiled. "Good. They'd be crazy to let a doctor as good as you are get away."
He tried to smile back, but only succeeded in looking miserable. "About that."
She sat forward and looked down at her hands. "About that."
He opened his mouth, then closed it again.
"We did plan for this."
"Aye."
"Figured it might happen eventually."
"Aye. Eventually. Not so soon."
Her closed-mouthed smile seemed forced. "So, this is it."
He nodded. "I guess so."
She nodded and looked at him. "I'll miss you, Carson."
He nodded. "Me, too, luv." He slapped his knees then stood. "I'd better get back to the infirmary."
She stood, too. "Yeah, I have," she looked around the sparsely decorated room "a lot of stuff to pack."
He headed for the door, then stopped. He turned around to see her turned away from him. "Helena." His voice caught in his throat.
She turned. Her eyes were moist, but she smiled. "Carson?"
He strode across the room to her. "Let's not do this, luv. We can figure something out."
Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked up at him. "What? What will we figure out? How to have a relationship while you're in Colorado and I'm God-knows where? What if I'm in a field kitchen in Iraq? There won't be any visiting each other if I'm deployed. And if we survived that kind of separation, then what?"
"You don't think we could work somethin' out?" He took her hands in his. "Any relationship takes work."
She looked miserable. "I know, love, but then what? You want a wife and a whole houseful of kids. I couldn't give you that."
"I never said – "
She sniffed and laughed. "Oh, yes. You did. Long ago. Soon after we started having dinner together."
Carson smiled at her. "Well, so what? People change."
She nodded. "So you're willing to spend your life, never married with no kids?" At his look, she smiled. "I didn't think so."
"I didn't say annathin'!" He protested.
She withdrew her hands and used one to keep a tear from escaping her face. She sniffed again and stiffened. "But you did, Carson," she said, softly. She reached up and touched his cheek. "Don't you know that you have to most expressive face of anyone I've ever known?"
He looked down. "But what if you change your mind?"
Helena swallowed. "I can't change biology, Carson. I can't rewind the clock and make myself ten years younger." She chuckled. "Lord, I wish I could."
He looked around the room as if searching for something, but before he could find another argument, she spoke.
"We've been through this all before. Explored every possible option. You know we did."
"So what then?" he snapped, angrily. "We just go our separate ways and think nothing more of it?"
She frowned and snapped back. "You can if you want to, Carson." Her voice caught, then. "Personally, I will think of you, often." She continued in almost a whisper.
He took her face in his hands and moved closer to her. "Ach, luv. I'm sorry." He whispered, softly. "Allright, then. You understand I had to try."
Now the tears escaped and she made no motion to hide them. "I'm so glad you did."
He kissed her softly and when they parted, she clung to him and took comfort in his arms. They stood there, holding each other until someone called Carson back to the infirmary.
He sniffed this time. "Don't ye be a stranger, though," he said thickly.
She lifted her chin. "Don't worry. You'll hear from me, no matter where I end up."
oOo
When Teyla and Ronon found Helena in the hallway outside of the cafeteria, Teyla noticed her eyes were red.
"Helena, are you well?"
The Chief frowned. "Hell, no. This sucks. Friggin' Ancients come back and kick us out of our homes!" She made a sound like a growl.
Teyla looked at Ronon, who smiled slightly at the sound.
Then the Chief of Food Services shook her head. "I'm sorry. I don't want to be all angry and everything right, now. I just haven't had time to process everything and work through it."
Ronon's eyebrows rose and he walked closer to her. "You should be angry. We should all be angry."
Teyla smiled, not for the first time at this image: Ronon and Helena, toe to toe, but still a foot apart.
Helena set her mouth and narrowed her eyes. "I don't think the armory's packed up yet. We could go get some guns and chase them back to the void."
Ronon smiled. "That's an idea."
Teyla looked shocked. "An entirely inappropriate one."
Helena smiled widely up at Ronon, then. Suddenly, she grabbed his torso in a fierce hug.
He smiled at Teyla and wrapped his arms around Helena.
Then, as quickly as she grabbed him, she let go and grabbed Teyla. "You take care of yourself, little sister."
Teyla's heart ached, then. "You, too, my friend."
Helena pulled back and sniffed. She looked at them. "So, Teyla, I heard that your people are being relocated too. Ronon, you'll be going with them, yes?"
Both Pegasus galaxy natives nodded.
"Oh!" Helena's eyes widened and her hand shot up with its index finger extended. "I forgot something! Wait here!"
She turned and ran back into the cafeteria. Teyla and Ronon exchanged smiles. Ronon relaxed against the wall just in time for Helena to emerge with two large metal cases.
"Um, let me see…Oh, yes. Teyla," she handed one case to the Athosian leader. "And Ronon," handing him the other.
Teyla smiled. "What is this?"
"Going away presents. Earth tradition. Assorted cookies for you and the Athosian children and brownies for Ronon." She looked at Ronon and smiled. "You don't have to share. Sorry I'm a couple of months short on our deal."
Ronon smiled. "Paid in full."
Teyla smiled. "Thank you."
Helena nodded. After a long moment of silence, she nodded again. "Be well, my friends."
Teyla nodded and Ronon touched Helena's shoulder and, without another word, they parted ways.
oOo
John walked into the cafeteria. The tables and chairs were folded and packed in their moving containers. The buffet table was folded up and a box holding sandwiches, fruit and bottled water was on the floor next to it. He walked out to the balcony to find it empty of everything. He walked back in, bothered by the silence, and walked over to the kitchen. Inside, he found all the equipment wrapped up and ready for transport to Daedalus. He shrugged his face and pulled out his pen. He checked the cafeteria off the list.
He walked out of the cafeteria and down the corridor. He got to his destination to find that room empty as well. He checked that off his list, then frowned.
He tapped his ear and called the Control Room. When Chuck responded, he said. "Sergeant, let me know when Chief Leiter gets there."
"Aye, sir."
Then he heard something that he hadn't heard in his ear very often. "I'm at the West Pier, Colonel," Helena's voice said.
He frowned. "Stay there."
oOo
John walked out onto the Pier. He looked around and, finally, found Helena Leiter. She was dressed, as he was, in the standard expedition uniform, but her hair was down and blowing around in the wind. She was also smoking a cigarette.
His eyebrows drew together when he saw her take a drag. "I thought you quit that."
She looked over at him. "I did. 'Quitting smoking is easy; I've done it a thousand times.' I just threw the pack in the back of the freezer instead of the garbage, just in case."
He frowned. "So I take it you're not happy."
She shot him a look that could freeze Wraith. "Well! Aren't you the master of understatement?" She pushed her hair behind her ear. "Don't tell me you're fine with all this."
He shook his head. "No. I'm not."
She took another tote. "If it weren't for the fact that I have to report to Landry in," she looked at her watch. "three hours, I'd be drinkin' too."
His eyebrows rose and he nodded. "Well, maybe later. And I'll join you."
She let out a short, humorless laugh. She sobered and stood. She walked to the rail and chucked the spent butt out into the city. She turned back to find him frowning again. She shrugged. "Let them deal with it."
He stood. "Listen, Chief, I'm not happy about this either, but it's no excuse to trash the place."
Helena rolled her eyes. "It's one cigarette butt, Colonel. Now that we're going back, we have to revert to rank?"
John sighed. "Look, I didn't come out here to talk about smoking or litter."
Helena sighed. "I know. I guess I'm just itching for a fight. I'm sorry, John."
He nodded. "Well, now that we've got that settled…How are you?"
She laughed, despite herself and turned back toward the ocean. The breeze whipped her hair around, reminding him of the comic book character Dark Phoenix.
John moved to the rails. "So?"
"Well, I'm not happy. You know, I didn't really like these people to begin with. Hallucinogen-causing viruses, human-form replicators, the Wraith, their holier-than-thou non-interference-no-matter-what after ascension policy. Now, after we rescue their asses from a million year trip through the middle of nowhere, they're kicking us out of our home. I'm downright pissed. Aren't you?"
He nodded. "Yeah. Me, too."
She sighed.
"Have you gotten your orders, yet?"
"No," she said, flatly. "You?"
"Stargate Command."
She nodded. "Of course. Carson'll be there, too."
"You two gonna try to make a go of it?"
She turned to look at him, her hair flying into her face. She pulled it away and was frowning. "How did you know…" At his grin, she raised an eyebrow. "You didn't know. You were guessing and I just confirmed it."
His grin made him look absolutely childlike and she couldn't help but laugh again.
"So?"
Her smiled faded. "No. He's the marriage and kids kind and I didn't like being a wife when I tried it and I'm too old to start having kids."
He frowned. "You're not too old."
She rolled her eyes. "Okay, you're right. I'm not physically too old, but, John, I'll be 39 this year. That makes me 57 when my child turns 18 if I get pregnant right now." She shook her head. "Which is not going to happen. My cut off was thirty-five."
John looked down at his hands. "I understand. How is Carson?"
She frowned. "About the same as me, I wager. Unhappy, but determined that we're doing the right thing." Then she gritted her teeth. "And vacillating between sticking with our decision and running back to try to 'make a go of it'."
He nodded.
They stood in silence for a while. Finally, she looked at him, with moist eyes. "I guess I just feel like my whole world is coming undone in one day."
John nodded. "Why don't you try to put in for the mess hall at Stargate Command?"
She shook her head. "They have a Colonel who is so firmly entrenched that the only way he's leaving is feet first."
"What about Peterson?"
She shrugged. "I wouldn't mind that, but it's not up to Air Force, remember. I'm Army. The US is at war. I could be sent anywhere."
He nodded. "I can ask General Landry to put in a word…"
She smiled. "Thanks."
She grabbed her hair and pulled it back into a ponytail, securing it with a band that had been around her wrist. When she looked up, she was frowning. "Look, John. I know that all the mushy stuff makes you uncomfortable, but I'm going to give you a hug and I might cry and you're just going to have to deal with it."
As predicted, he looked uncomfortable, but then he surprised Helena by extending his arms.
She moved in and put her arms around him. He let his arms wrap around her and even squeezed back a little. She sighed and relaxed in his arms. He began to relax as well, but stiffened when he heard her sniff. He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back.
She smiled up at him. "Don't worry, John. I'm not crying."
John looked relieved and Helena laughed out loud.
He rested an arm on her shoulder and looked out at the ocean. "Yeah, I'm going to miss this place."
Helena leaned sideways into him and looked out as well. "Yeah, me too."
Rodney stepped out of his office and started walking to the control room.
"Rodney."
He turned. "Oh. Hello, Chief."
Helena nodded. Without warning, she grabbed him in a hug. "I'll miss you, Rodney."
"Oh!" He was shocked, but hugged her back. "Oh, ah, well, hey, we'll see each other again."
She pulled back and nodded at him, without looking at him, and walked away.
oOo
Helena looked around the gate room. She hated looking up at the control room and seeing them. After a long time, she turned to the glimmering gate and took a deep breath, steeling herself against her emotions, and stepped through.
