just a heads up: this chapter made me very upset.

setting: episode 11 "I Ain't A Judas"


Damnation

Chapter 43 - Ashes


"Are you sure?" Maggie asked with a worried look on her face, and Connor just nodded.

"Aye. I got it covered. Don't worry."

"What about your shoulder?"

"Don't need that ta shoot some evil bastard. Trust me. Go inside. Those people need ye. I got it covered. I need ta be on my own fer a bit."

Herschel's daughter stared at him for just a moment longer, then he finally handed him the rifle.

"Keep an eye on the right side. I think I saw something over there" she suggested and Connor just nodded.

He put his smoke back in his mouth and checked the gun's magazine and sight.

"Sure."

He waited for several minutes after the door was shut behind him, then he made his way over to the fence. He walked down the yard until he was just about the same height as all the graves on the meadow, until he was standing right in front of the lonely dark figure he had seen ever since he had stepped out of the cell block. Once again he was greeted with that same tired and yet smug smirk, and once again his heart missed a painful beat. The figure looked even worse today. Worn out. Battered. Bloody. Pale. Lifeless. The only thing that screamed alive! at him was the smile, and the glint in the eyes that matched his own.

Both brothers just stood opposite each other for a while, the only thing that gave away that Murphy was just an illusion was the fact that he wasn't blinking at all. Connor took his time until he finished his smoke, and once he had thrown it to the ground and stepped on it he finally had the guts to talk.

"Remember when we were six and we were playin in front of our house and we were playing cops and robbers?"

Murphy just stared at him, occasionally biting his lips and smirking the way he had always done it when he was amused.

"You stormed out on te street, nearly got hit by a car. Ma was screaming bloody murder cos ye were always like a freaking magnet ta danger. And that was it. That was the day when I understood that it was my job ta protect you. Gangsters who want ta shoot ye in the head, prisoners who want ta strangle and rape yah, walkers who get hold of you and bite ye. It was always you who needed ta be protected. And I was always there ta save you until that day in Boston."

The Irishman sighed and grabbed the fence with his healthy hand. He then looked down at the ground and closed his eyes.

"And then I failed ye. I couldn't protect you, and yer died."

It almost made him cry again, but he forced himself not to. He looked up instead since he knew that this would be the last time he saw his beloved twin brother.

"But I know now that it wasn't my fault. I really believe it now. Back on te farm, when I first tried ta bury you I didn't even believe it myself."

"And then I told ye ta stop fighting it" Murphy finally spoke and Connor nodded.

"Aye. And I know what it means now. I do."

The younger MacManus nodded and placed his hand on the fence as well.

"Remember what god told us back at te police station?"

Connor just looked at his twin.

"Destroy that which is evil. So that which is good..."

"..may flourish" Connor finished the sentence and Murphy nodded once more.

"I'm the evil part, Connor."

The older shook his head.

"Yer not evil, yer my brother and.."

"And sooner or later 'm gonna destroy ye if we keep going like this. Look at me, brother."

Connor looked his twin in the eye then and swallowed hard.

"You need ta let go. You got other people who care about ye and need you now."

They wouldn't break eye contact until Connor reached inside the back pocket of his jeans and got the picture out. He looked at it and rubbed the destroyed part, hoping to get it back together, but it didn't really matter because Murphy was standing right in front of him anyway. He then had to think about everything that had happened during the last couple of days. He remembered all the deaths, remembered that there were people inside who were fearing for their lives. Women. Children. Judith. Carl. Daryl.

There's a fucking war coming. We need you.

I need you.

He swallowed hard.

"If I get rid of this, then you'll be gone, won't ye."

Murphy nodded.

"Aye."

Connor nodded and chewed on his upper lip.

"Then there's nothing left of you."

"You need ta let me go. Ye need ta give us some peace, Connor. I died more than one year ago. It's time. Ye don't need me anymore."

Connor kept nodding and the tears finally came.

"Aye. Aye."

It was quiet for a very long while as the older of the two MacManus twins kept staring at the destroyed picture and tried to gather strength for what he was about to do. He looked up to face his twin once more, more tears running down his cheeks since he didn't fight them any longer.

"Before ye go, I just wanted t'tell ye that I loved ye so so fucking much, Murph."

Murphy smiled tiredly.

"Ye don't have te tell me, stupid."

"It's been an honor being yer twin brother."

Connor took a deep and shaky breath and then searched his other pocket, the one in which he kept his lighter. The one with the clover.
He looked at his brother once more and swallowed hard.

"Say hello t'Ma and the others, will ye?"

Murphy nodded and just watched him. He would not cry, he would not smile, he was just waiting for his brother to finish it.
Connor took all the strength he could gather, then he flicked on the lighter with his healthy hand, and after staring at the picture for just a minute more he finally held it just above the flame until it caught fire. He held the burning paper in his hands and watched it disappear. All the grinning faces in the background. Faces of their friends. Doc. Murphy's figure, the black sweater that had always been too large for him. The arm around his hip, then his own figure until he had to drop the burning photograph on the ground. No sobs would escape his mouth, he wouldn't breathe or do anything apart from staring at the fading memory. In just one minute the last evidence that Murphy MacManus had once been alive burnt down to nothing, and when Connor raised his head to look at his twin once more he had to realize that his twin was gone. And this time he could really feel it.

He took another shaky deep breath and wiped the tears away, and when he turned around he was surprised to see Daryl standing there, eyes widened in surprise. Both men just looked at each other for a while and this was the worst part. Because after everything he had done, everything he had buried, burned and said goodbye to, there was one thing that would never stop being there: the fact that Daryl had Murphy's face. But even then it wasn't Murphy anymore, it was in fact far away from Murphy's appearance, his presence. Now it was just Daryl. Daryl Dixon, who had blue eyes and dark hair and a couple of tattoos.
But he wasn't his twin, he wasn't his brother. He just was his friend. Connor sniffed and started walking to get back to his post and Daryl just stared at the bits of ash that flew away in the wind. The Irishman was just passing him when the hunter suddenly reached out and grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Hey" he muttered and Connor looked at him, eyes still red and this time obviously not hiding the fact that he was extremely upset and heartbroken.

"I'm sorry for your loss. Really."

The blonde just nodded and was just about to walk away again, but then he was already being pulled back again. And for the first time it was actually Daryl who started the hug.


note:
this might be the last chapter where Murphy makes a "real" appearance, meaning this is the last time where he gets to "interact" with Connor. The hallucination stuff will stop from now on, I'm not sure yet about putting Murphy flashbacks in here and should I decide not to do that then this chapter is the last one where he makes an appearance. *sniffs* I'm determined to get the old Connor back now, the one who bosses people around, plans shit and makes fun of people and killllllls some baddies. Or something like that. So all in all, Damni is his final recovery story and we've reached another turning point with this chapter. Why am I even explaining myself here? I dunno.