Chapter 53: Dear Diary
Ureksa hasn't mentioned anything about my confession. Alora and I are tolerating each other, but she's spending more time with Ureksa than me. I just can't keep up with working, studying drills, doing chores, being helpful to Rumari, spending time with Ureksa, sleeping, eating, taking a shower and breathing all in one day. Yet, somehow I have to do all that, and somehow my Ureksa time is always sacrificed.
Rumari gave me a gift; it's a diary for me to write in, though I haven't used it yet as I have not found the time. I'm sure she thought this would help me sort out my thoughts and feelings by getting everything on paper and reading over it. It could be quite helpful so I should try to use it when ever I have time.
Right now I'm cleaning my work space; I finished work early and will go over to help Rumari soon. She's seven months pregnant and it shows. I catch a glance of the blank diary on my desk. This is a special item I decided to keep in the place where I spend most of my time, the work shop. My precious sea shell bracelet is also something that I take with me to work, though I take it off while I'm working to make sure it's not damaged.
I pick up the diary and wonder if I can turn my feelings into words. Then I remember that when I did turn my feelings into words I have received no reaction, either by my own request, or by mercy. If only I could say things sincerely, just communicate and get an answer. I'm starting to think that no answer is worse than a negative one.
All is fair in love and war... I grin at the little red book with golden lettering spelling out the word 'diary'. Then I open it and start to write: "Dear diary, following Rumari's advice I will try to put my thoughts and feelings into words here. This diary is very special as it is a gift from Rumari. I will start with a little history about myself. My name is Mira and I was born in Rugista. When I was little I had basically no personal identity and I didn't like the one that was chosen for me, hence why I was not happy with myself."
"When my father passed away, things became worse with my mother who only cared about my image to the rest of the village and not my happiness. I'm not really what you would call lady like, and in Rugista craft knight girls were considered tomboys even if they didn't look it."
"Eventually I was rescued by Master Bron who gave me a job and home at the Silver Guild in Wystern, the City of Swords. While in Wystern I had a secret crush on Master Sakuro, the craft lord of Sapphire, and Master Ureksa the craft lord of Jade. I thought that since they're craft lord and I was just a craft knight, and not a good one, that neither would like me back and never said anything."
"Many things happened and I eventually specialized myself in drills. Wystern was attacked by sea serpents but the City of Swords won the battle. I went to Rugista again while Wystern was being repaired, though I wanted to go to Vance. However, things worked out because I tied some loose ends, or maybe I should say I finished cutting some old ties, and put my past behind me completely."
"I returned to Wystern and life went on. Rumari and Tyram got married. Master Sakuro gave me a dancing lesson, then later I danced with Master Ureksa and held hands during the fireworks display, but didn't tell him either how I felt."
"It was during the night of Rumari's wedding that a spirit possessing Hayato came to me trying to trick me into helping him possess Master Sakuro's body, since he could only control a linker during the full moon and could not switch to inhabit another body pushing out the original soul without help. I told the craft lords about it and soon after, while Master Kouren, the craft lord of Ruby, was investigating what kind of spirit we were up against, I admitted my feelings for Sakuro and Ureksa but only told Kouren about it."
"I was feelings frustrated to have admitted it before I felt ready, though maybe it was for the best, because who knows for how long I would have kept it all bottled up otherwise. But because I thought neither would ever like me back I told Kouren that I intended to let my feelings fade away."
"When Master Kouren and I trapped that spirit in the crystal, the energy used to power the crystal was my love energy and the friction in that energy caused by being secretly in love with Sakuro and Ureksa at the same time. I still didn't speak of my feelings to them even then."
"Eventually I moved to Vance. I had second thoughts at first but Sakuro was going on a trip and would not be in Wystern, and Ureksa was in Vance so it all worked out for the best. I got a very pretty sea shell bracelet from Sakuro which I treasure. I live in the same house as Ureksa but we're still just friends. I work with Tyram everyday and help Rumari as often as I can."
"A girl named Alora came to Vance, and I tried to run away by taking a job at Seijin. I thought I would be getting in the way and even if Rumari advised me to be brave, though I don't know if she knows I like her brother, I still intended to give up and leave. That would have been a huge mistake."
"I had been secretly working on a drill of my own design. I asked Alora to spar with me so I could leave feeling like less of a coward by facing her in some way. I actually won and I was surprised, but it turns out I only won because of the advantage of my weapon. Still, I designed it and put my love into it so it was more than just a weapon."
"At first I thought the advantage of my drill went against the code of Wystern, a sword is not strength, a sword is not skill, a sword is not fellowship, or in this case a drill instead of a sword. After it was over, I thought it was unfair to tilt the duel in my favor, even if I thought it was a fair fight when I was actually dueling. I thought I had made a mistake, but it was while writing this that I came to realize that I designed this drill and worked hard on making it, my ideas, determination and work were the strength, skill and fellowship rather than the drill itself. This realization makes me feel better."
"I feel a bit silly having to win a duel to gain some confidence when I should be able to have it on my own. I should have been able to become confident long ago. I've had friends who support me for a long time, but for some reason it took me this long to stop doubting myself."
Now to say things clearly for the one whom I hope reads this. "I only see Sakuro as a friend now," I would have to actually see him again to know for sure but I'll write it like this, "which is fine since we have always been friends, no more and no less. Before Alora came to Vance I was in love with Ureksa and thought that one of two things could happen, either Ureksa would never like me back and my feelings would fade away in time, or Ureksa would actually get to like me, though I wasn't confident about that at the time, and things would progress slowly. We live in the same house so we see each other every day, it would be easy for him to find a moment to talk to me if he wanted."
"I guess I should have been more direct or at least let out a clear hint about how I feel. It might be too late now that I actually want to try. I've wasted a lot of time and I wasn't honest about how I feel and that is something I regret. But everyone has things they regret, it's how we make the most of life afterwards that truly counts." I add one more little note at the end and close the diary. Now I just need a little luck, some strategic thinking and a lot of patience. Let operation diary confession begin!
To be Continued
Disclaimer, I do not own Summon Night: A Swordcraft Story. It took me fifty-three chapters but I finally mentioned the girl's name. I was going to leave it as one of those secret little details that are not revealed until the end, but I decided it would be easier to write this if I had a name to call her.
The name Mira has a funny little story behind it. I joked that, since the OC was nameless, I would just call her "hey you" and actually considered naming her "Heyou". "Hey you" is said "oye tu" in Spanish though "mira" which means "look" is also used for the same purpose of calling someone's attention and it is considered nicer sounding than "oye tu" but still informal. That's the story; in a way her name is "hey you", without sounding so obvious.
