Thanks for the feedback! Sorry for the gap between updates, I'm going through some stress in my personal life

When Rory wakes up, Jess calls her back and asks how the appointment went.

"It was okay. A little hard."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm going back next week."

There's a small pause and the Jess asks,

"You okay?"

Rory opens her mouth to say yes and hesitates.

"I feel weird going," she admits. "I don't like feeling that I need to go."

Jess says gently, "It's brave, Rory. You should know that."

"I guess," Rory says quietly, looking at her hands as he says, "It is."

On Tuesday, Rory gets ready to go. She's mistimed it, she realises, ready too early, and sits down on the edge of the sofa. Time never does what you need it to. When you're rushing, it slips away and when you're waiting it trickles like sludge. If she goes now it'll be an extra twenty minutes in the waiting room. Reaching over, Rory picks up the book Paris got her at the baby shower and flicks through. The positions get more advanced as the book goes on and Rory bites back a smile. Doing any of that would result in a broken bone or at least bruising, but her amusements fades as she looks at the simpler stuff. All of it seems like too much in general. Rory closes the book, checks the time and gets up with a sigh. She doesn't want to sit around with her thoughts anymore.

It's thirty minutes in the waiting room all the same, as the previous appointment has overrun. Charlotte gets irritable, mewling at Rory, and tugging her hair. She's just starting to cry properly when Rory's called in, and mother and daughter are both harried as they enter.

"I'm so sorry," apologises the doctor. "I hope you weren't waiting too long."

"It's fine," Rory says automatically. She's too busy checking to see if Charlotte's still dry to answer honestly, and lets out a long breath as Charlotte settles. Her daughter seems distracted by the window, her eyes settled on the clouds scudding outside. Rory places the bassinet on a table facing it, and once Charlotte is calm for a full minute, takes a seat opposite.

"I didn't have a sitter," she says defensively and the doctor smiles.

"It's no trouble."

"Good."

Rory is quiet for a moment and the doctor asks, "Shall we get started?"

"I was waiting for you."

"Well, last time we talked about how you were feeling. You said things were a little hard."

Rory nods, sensing the closed off feeling again, and the doctor asks gently, "Do you want to talk about that a little more?"

"I don't know where to start," Rory says. She lets out a small laugh at how cliched it sounds, but the doctor says reasonably, "Start anywhere. Or I can ask you questions."

"What kind of questions?"

"You said you were feeling lonely. I was wondering how much so, on a scale of one to ten."

Rory shrugs. She waits, and the doctor waits, and finally Rory says,

"It depends on the day. I shouldn't feel this way.

"Lonely?"

"Any of it. Lonely - not enough - I should be happy."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I'm lucky," Rory says forcefully. "I have my mom, my friends and a boyfriend. I have a guy who loves me - really loves me. He's been there for me through all of it, and he loves Charlotte like she's his. I think of her as she is - as if he's her dad, I mean. He's more her father than the guy who got me pregnant. I'm not alone."

"So why do you feel lonely?" the doctor guesses and Rory nods.

"I feel guilty for feeling that. I want to just feel happy."

The doctor pauses and then says, "Rory, it's a hard time in your life. You have wonderful support but in a sense you are alone in this. You were pregnant, you gave birth and your life is different. You're alone with Charlotte a lot."

"I know - but I should feel happier."

"Rory, I don't think it's helpful to think about how you should feel. Your emotions aren't necessarily good or bad. It's natural to want to feel happy, but you aren't. That's okay."

"How is it okay?" Rory asks in a small voice. She bunches her hands in her lap and the doctor says, "Because you don't have to justify how you feel. And so many new mothers feel this way, you aren't alone in this at all. Getting mad at yourself isn't helping."

"I'm so mad at myself," Rory says quietly and the doctor leans forward.

"Why?"

"I messed up. It's my fault."

"Rory -"

Just then Charlotte starts screaming. With an apologetic look, Rory darts over to her daughter and picks her up, soothing her. Ten minutes later Charlotte's still crying and Rory gives up.

"I'm sorry, I think I have to take her home."

"I understand," the doctor says. "Can we meet again?"

"When?" Rory asks, bouncing Charlotte against her shoulder, and the doctor says, "I'm away next week, but the week after, perhaps? Unless you'd rather meet with someone else."

"No," Rory says. "I'll wait."

"Alright then."

"I probably won't have a sitter."

"It's fine with me."

Rory walks Charlotte back, unsure how she feels. The doctor made it all sound so simple, to allow herself to feel something other than happy, but it's too complicated, Rory thinks. Sometimes she feels everything at once. She calls Jess later, to tell him how it went, but it all jumbles in her mouth as tries.

"It was okay," she says weakly. "She was nice."

"I'm glad. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just missing you."

On Sunday night Jess is packing for Philadelphia when he pauses.

"Hey, I have a thought."

"What?"

"How about you and Charlotte come to Truncheon on Friday?"

Rory looks up at his expectant eyes and says, "We'd stay with you?"

"Yeah, why not? Everyone's been asking about you guys. You haven't been since that party we went to."

"Right," Rory says. She feels odd, thinking about the people asking, but smiles. "Sure."

"We could even have a late night. There's drinks with some new writers in the evening."

"And Charlotte's going to stay awake for that?"

"Maybe your mom and Luke could look after her."

"You mean they'd come with us?"

"I figured we could meet up in Philly on Saturday, and then they could look after her for the night."

"Have you asked them?" Rory asks. She feels almost dizzy and Jess takes her hand.

"No. I thought I'd run it by you. Does it seem okay?"

"Yes," Rory decides. "It's okay by me. You know, I can't picture a baby-free evening."

"Worth a shot, right?"

"Absolutely."

Is she going to have sex? Does she want to have sex? Rory lies awake that night, thinking. Her mind flits back to the pictures in the book and she giggles, imagining her and Jess trying one and falling over. She can't picture any of it and is suddenly nervous, almost as if she were a virgin again. Sex is once again a faroff, impossible thing, and a more reasonable anxiety whispers in her mind that she could get pregnant. She won't, Rory tells herself, it's fine, she's back on the pill, but her nervousness lingers. Then she worries that she won't enjoy it, that it won't be as good, and she can't relax at all.

"Rory Gilmore," she says out loud, "stop thinking things to death!"

She thinks too much or too little, she knows. Slowly, Rory lowers her hand down and touches herself. It's been so long since she's done that she's almost unsure. She touches herself again and again, closing her eyes, until the warmth bursts inside her and spills down her hand. Rory lies still for a moment, smiling. It's not all lost, at least.

On Friday Rory drives to Philadelphia. Luke and Lorelai are meeting her and Jess tomorrow, taking Charlotte for a quick trip to Stars Hollow, and Rory is both excited and uncertain. She had a brief panic earlier that week about what to wear to the event on Saturday. Rory knew all her old dresses wouldn't fit, and didn't want to wear the one she wore last time. Her heart was sinking at the prospect of shopping when suddenly she saw it at the back of her wardrobe; the blue dress Lorelai bought her for Christmas so many months ago. It looked loose enough to fit and it did. Rory could barely believe it, staring in the mirror. It fitted and she didn't look pregnant, she thought. She did a little jump in excitement and then hastily took it off. Charlotte was due a feeding soon and the last thing Rory needed was to get breast milk over her only good dress.

Rory is so focused on thinking about the evening that she barely registers the awful CD of nursery rhymes playing on repeat. Charlotte seems content, apart from one emergency stop for a diaper change, and then they're there, Jess coming out to greet them with a huge grin on his face.

"Hey, Rory! How's my girl?"

"Excited," Rory says as Charlotte lets out a burble. "She's missed you."

"And I've missed her. Come on Charlotte, let's go see where Daddy works!"

Jess leads the way and Rory follows, lugging the diaper bag. She's looking around for a place to set it down when there's a loud cry of, "Hey, Rory, good to see you!"

Rory looks up to see Chris and Matthew grinning, leaning over the bottom banister of the staircase, and tries to smile back.

"Hi! What are you guys doing here?"

"Well, we're not usually around," Matthew says, jumping down and going over. "But when Jess said you guys were coming, we had to make a trip. He's been raving for weeks."

"it's disgusting," Chris chimes in and they all laugh, Matthew adding, "And hypocritical. He called people crazy for getting so excited over something that drools or cries, and now look at him."

"Just look at my kid," Jess says, going over to them. "Isn't she the most beautiful baby you ever saw?"

"Jess, you're the kind of father you've always rolled your eyes at."

"A man can change. Look at her eyes."

"Hopeless," Matthew remarks, but he smiles and bends over. "She's very cute, I'll give her that."

Charlotte responds by letting out a loud cry and everyone laughs.

"I think she's hungry," Rory says. She dumps the bag in a corner and hurries over, picking up Charlotte. As she takes her around the corner, Rory hears Jess say,

"Charlotte's got Rory's eyes."

"Lucky kid," Chris says. "Imagine if she'd got the other guy's."

Rory feels herself blush but Jess says proudly, "She's Rory all over." Rory relaxes a little and when she goes back the guys smile at her. Chris and Matthew look a little sheepish but they dote on Charlotte a little more, teasing Jess again, and Rory lets herself laugh. Finally she and Jess go to the apartment and, in the corner of Jess's spare room is a crib, with a mobile hanging over it and filled with stuffed animals.

"Jess, when did you do this?"

"A few weeks ago."

"You never told me."

"I wanted it to be a surprise. What do you think?"

"I think it's perfect," Rory says honestly. "Thank you."

They spend the rest of the day walking around Philadelphia but it's hot, unsettling Charlotte, and they duck into a park, sitting in the shade.

"I think Charlotte'll like it here when she's older," Jess says, looking at the kids running around. "There's a playground over there too."

"She'll be here for the books," Rory grins. "She'll take everything from Truncheon and read here all day."

"Sounds about right." Jess squeezes her hand and says, "I love your book."

Rory nods, feeling oddly shy. Jess has told her so constantly that since he finished it but hasn't given it back yet.

"Finished with your notes yet?"

"Not quite."

"Are you writing what you want me to change?"

"No, just my thoughts."

"I'm nervous," Rory admits and Jess laughs, but in an understanding way.

"That comes with the job decription, right? Being a writer. You want people to read it and at the same time you totally hate the thought."

"That's it," Rory agrees. "And at the same time, you just can't stop writing."

"Never. It's like an itch."

They sit in silence, watching the sun start to soften, and turn to go back.

Luke and Lorelai arrive the next afternoon and they go to meet them for lunch. Charlotte is restless, having slept badly, and Rory is sleepy herself.

"Sorry," she says, yawning as she hugs her mother. "None of us slept that well. Charlotte doesn't like sleeping in new places."

"Neither did you. You were mad at me for a month in that potting shed, and honestly, I was kind of mad at me too."

"I swear she's doubled in weight too," Rory says. "It's harder to pick her up now."

"She's growing," Lorelai says simply. "And then she'll be a toddler and it's going to be ten times worse, trust me."

"Never," Jess cuts in. He picks Charlotte up from her bassinet and nuzzles her neck. "I can't imagine her getting bigger."

"Well, believe it," Luke says and they all look at him. "Hey, I used to visit Liz when Jess was small and one time he wanted to ride on my shoulders. It'd been a good few months and he was like a bag of potatoes, only potatoes don't kick relentlessly into my side."

"Sorry," Jess smirks and Lorelai says, "Be prepared. That's all we're saying. Speaking of, Rory, I think you're ready enough."

"What?" Rory asks, head snapping up, and Lorelai says in amusement, "The diaper bag, honey. It's been checked twice already."

"By me too," Jess adds and Rory smiles, sitting back.

"Sorry. I just don't want her to miss something."

"We've got everything she needs."

"I just want to be sure."

They spend the next few hours walking around the neighbourhood and Truncheon, and finally Luke says they should go before hitting traffic. Rory is just passing Charlotte to Lorelai when her daughter starts crying.

"What's wrong?" Lorelai asks. She bounces Charlotte up and down and looks over at Rory.

"She's not making a diaper face."

"I think it's a hungry cry," Rory groans. "I didn't feed her that long ago either."

"Allow me." Jess reaches into the diaper bag and picks out a bottle. Taking Charlotte, he rests her in the crook of his arm and places the bottle in her mouth. "You've got an appetite just like your mom's."

Charlotte frowns for a moment and then starts to feed. Rory smiles, watching Jess who's watching Charlotte with a tender smile on his face. Charlotte drinks half the bottle and then stops, letting out a small burp as Jess winds her. Rory gives her one last kiss and Jess rests Charlotte in Lorelai's arms. "I think she's good to go."

"Us too," Lorelai says, patting Jess's arm and kissing Rory goodbye. "Have fun, sweets. And call us if you need anything."

"And same here. Call me, I mean."

"Promise. Bye, you guys."

There's a small silence after they leave and Rory and Jess look at each other.

"So," Jess says. "Two hours before we have go to this thing. Want to grab dinner?"

"Let's do pizza."

The two hours aren't as peaceful as Rory had hoped; there's a wait for the food and then they're both thinking about the time. They make small talk and Rory keeps automatically glancing at the space beside them, checking on an imaginary Charlotte.

"She's fine," Jess says, answering her thoughts, and Rory smiles, embarrassed. "I know."

They hurry back to the apartment and hastily shower, each being as fast as possible before the hot water runs out. Jess throws on a suit and Rory expresses milk before putting on the dress. She dabs on some mascara and eyeliner before coming out and saying, "Well?"

Jess stares, smiles and says, "Wow."

"I'll take that as a compliment. I don't look like someone's mom?"

"You look like Rory."

"Is that a yes or no?"

"You look amazing," Jess says, going to kiss her and Rory smiles. "I didn't look so amazing before I got it on."

"I beg to differ."

They grin but then Jess's phone chimes and he groans.

"That means it's time to go. Come on."

The evening is more relaxed than the event last time, but Rory's dress doesn't change feeling like a mom. When she isn't worrying about Charlotte people ask about her and Rory describes her so much she feels as though her daughter's in her arms. Rory drinks ginger ale after ginger ale and a woman with some connection or another asks, "Where's that adorable baby we've heard so much about?"

"She's with her grandparents," Rory says and Jess gets his phone out. "Look - that's her today. Isn't she gorgeous?"

"Oh, she's beautiful. She looks like she could be yours."

Jess tries to smile, putting the phone back, and Rory catches the look of hurt on his face. It hurts her too, cutting to the quick, and she clutches the glass. She wants to take Jess's arm, leave right away, but they have to stand around for another hour. They walk back in silence and Rory feels her breasts harden. She begs them not to leak, not until she's got the dress off, and then her mind rushes back to Jess.

"I'm sorry," she says and he shrugs.

"Nothing to be sorry about."

"I'm sorry anyway."

They walk quietly back to the apartment, the heat pressing despite the late hour. Rory's sadness gets mixed in with anger; anger at herself, the doctor and the woman. She can't make it better. Rory goes straight into the bathroom, where she quickly removes the sodden pads from her bra and expresses her milk. She sighs, closing her eyes, and her heart aches for Charlotte, so many miles away. When she's done she takes her time, washing her hands and brushing her hair before going out. Her makeup is only a little smudged and Rory doesn't bother wiping it off. Silently, she goes back out, pouring a glass of water and taking a sip. Jess has made them some toast and he hands her a slice.

"None of the food there was any good. That pizza feels forever ago."

"Thanks."

"Feels so weird without Charlotte being here with us."

"Yeah, I know."

Rory eats without talking, staring straight ahead and then jumps as Jess says,

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

Rory looks up in surprise and Jess insists, "Don't be passive-aggressive, just tell me!"

"Don't be passive-aggressive?! I'm not! I'm not trying to be anything!"

"You're not telling me what's wrong."

"I don't - it's not easy."

"I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying - I'm saying, talk to me! Please, just talk."

Rory rubs her hand along her head for a moment and says, "I don't like where we are."

"What does that mean?"

"It means, I don't like that these people are bothered by us. Or that you're bothered by it."

"Who says I'm bothered by it?" Jess demands and Rory exclaims, "I saw your look! When that lady said Charlotte looks like you!"

"Okay, fine! It does bother me! Sometimes, it does!"

Rory folds her arms and Jess goes on angrily, "Sometimes, I don't like how it is. Sometimes I wish it were how they think - that it's the whole storybook setup. I can't help it. It hurts that she doesn't live here, sleep through the night here, that she's Logan's daughter too."

Rory bites her lip and Jess looks into her eyes.

"But I don't want to change things."

"You just said you do."

"Yes, I'm human, or whatever. But I love you. I know you're not ready to move yet. I love Charlotte, and if it were different, she wouldn't be who she is and I would never want her any other way. I don't care if it's not like a kids' book. We're still a family."

"We are," Rory says, letting her arms drop. "And I love you, and nothing's changed that, but I'm not always happy. I don't know why, but I'm not."

"It's okay."

"That's what the doctor said. I'm not fully sold on that."

"Well, I am."

"I'm still getting there," Rory says, after a pause. "I want to be there sooner. I didn't say more about it, because I don't know yet. About how I feel."

"I'm here," Jess says, reaching to stroke her hair. "And I love you."

"I love you too. That I'm sure on."

Rory smiles, and then leans over to kiss him. He kisses her back, hard, and Rory gasps a little. She runs her hands over Jess's back and starts undoing the buttons on his shirt, feeling him harden against her leg. Rory feels the nervousness again only it's mixed in with thrill and she smiles against Jess's mouth. We're doing this.

Jess slips the dress down and Rory unclasps her bra. He takes her in his arms, kissing her breasts, whispering, is this okay? Rory nods, kissing him back, and leads him to the bed. He gently pulls off her underwear, slipping his hand inside, and then Rory pulls him forward. She tugs down his pants, his boxers, and holds her to him. Yes - now. He kisses her neck and slips in slowly, looking at Rory, and she smiles, sure, tangling her hand in his hair. He moves faster and faster and then Rory cries out, feeling her release, and he drops down onto her chest, panting as he finishes. He smiles at Rory, moving to lie beside her and Rory giggles happily.

"What?" he asks, amused. "Not me, is it?"

"No - nothing. Let's lie still."

Jess puts his arms around her and they nestle close together, breathing each other in.