Meredith opened her eyes as she heard someone approach the bed she was on. Kaylee was safe in her arms sleeping soundly and Meredith looked up from her to see Derek standing with Zara who was fussing in his arms.
"Hey, sorry that I woke you."
"I wasn't sleeping." She says. "Does she need a feed?"
"She's really unsettled, so if you're up to it?"
"Give her here." She says as she sits herself up. "You may need to help me." She says realising she was not physically capable to nurse her child in her condition.
Derek rested Zara on her lap and helped undo her gown and positioned Zara in her mothers' arms for her feed. Zara settled perfectly as soon as she began feeding and Meredith felt at ease.
"Where's Cooper?"
"He went home with Richard."
"I feel terrible." She says.
"You have nothing to feel terrible about."
"I haven't been able to comfort my kids at all. I can hardly move to nurse my daughter, I haven't been there to talk to Kaylee or Jack or kiss them. I've been a terrible mother tonight."
"It is beyond your control Mer, they understand. They really do. They want they're mum to be healthy and they have told me that all night."
"How am I going to care for them while I'm injured?"
"I've been given the next week off to help you out. I'm not leaving you in the dark or alone because it's going to be tough." He says. "So I'll be there. I'm never going to leave you Mer."
"Even when I tell you what happened tonight?"
"You fought tonight and you fought hard, in my eyes that's courageous."
"Derekā¦"
"Meredith, I'm serious." He says squeezing her free hand. "Nothing changes how I feel about you."
She still felt responsible for everything that happened and knew it'd be best for him to walk out on her and never turn back.
"Derek, I was raped."
"And that doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the way I love you, feel about you or anything else. You fought, believe me when I tell you that." He says kissing her forehead tenderly. "Because you need to start believing in yourself, it's going to be a hard road and I'm not leaving your side, ever."
She looked into his eyes and felt comforted but still worried about how Derek would initially feel after and how the guilt would most likely push him over the edge.
Derek kissed her forehead again and sat down on one of the chairs.
"Richard said we can stay at his until the house is ready."
"The house isn't ready?"
"They're still investigating the house and waiting until daylight to make use of the light to photograph and investigate how he got in."
"How's Peanut?"
"The vet says she is doing fine, I'm going to get her in the morning and bring her home."
"I can't believe he sedated her." She says as she was told that Peanut had been sedated as an attempt to eliminate the scare factor. "And Sparrow, where was he?"
"He was fast asleep upstairs in the spare room. I'll check on him in the morning as well." He says. "Everyone is fine and that's all that matters."
"I still can't believe I didn't lock the front door."
"It's one of those things and he may have well forced his way in if the door wasn't unlocked." He says. "It's one of those things."
Meredith nodded her head agreeing but truthfully she just wanted to sleep for a thousand years and wake up when it all had ended.
"You're being discharged first thing. As soon as Nelson examines you and the nurse is happy with everything else. She'll send you home with a bag full of pills and bed rest orders."
She knew he was making light talk to try and avoid talking about the obvious thing but she wasn't ready to talk about it just as much as he wasn't.
"And I'm calling for a security system to be installed, the best system you can buy for all of our safety." He says. "I just worry because you're home alone with the kids mostly and I want you to be safe."
"I won't be starting work on my proposed date will I?"
"I'm not sure. It depends all on your recovery."
"More like my psych evaluation." She mutters.
"Mer."
"I'm serious." She says. "They may think I might be a threat to my patients and it's true. I may have a moment and kill a patient or maybe shoot the place up."
"Stop being silly."
"Derek, it's true. You know it." She says. "But I seriously think I should talk to an expert because I'll be better if I do talk about it. So will Kay. It was a traumatic experience for the both of us tonight."
He nodded his head not wanting to say anything, knowing how hard it was to talk about it as he was trying to come to grips with the situation.
Another awkward silence filled between them and Meredith took the opportunity to capture the beauty of her daughter and take in every feature and notice the small scratch that was fairly new.
"Derek, where'd this scratch come from on Zara's cheek?"
"From him." He says.
"Fingernail or knife?"
"Knife, he was fumbling with it in his hand as he tried to pick her up and scratched her."
Meredith felt furious as she found out that she had been hurt. It was only a small scratch but it upset her because of what he could have done. She found another small scratch on her hand and kissed it softly to make it feel better.
"He could have done damage to her eye."
"But he didn't." He reassures her as he phone begins to ring. "Excuse me."
Meredith was left alone with her girls and Zara stopped nursing as Cristina came into the room.
"Need some help?"
"Please."
Cristina came to her side and placed a burp cloth over her shoulder so she could put Zara to sleep for Meredith avoiding to be spat up on. She helped fix Meredith's gown and rocked Zara and patted her back softly to put her to sleep.
"You should be home in a few hours."
"Can't go home yet."
"Where are you going?"
"Richard's." She says.
"Well if you get sick of staying there, you can come to mine and stay. I have a lot of surgical tapes you could watch to get you ready for your return."
"I think my return will be delayed. I'm supposed to be back in a month but I have a sprained wrist, broken eye socket, broken ribs. I have injury upon injury and I don't think I have a very healthy mental state either."
"You'll get it all figured out soon. Richard won't mind."
"I hope not." She says.
"Hey, what happened last night, he can't fault you on that? It was beyond your control and he knows that. Everyone knows that."
"They're still going to look at me differently."
"Well just tell them to scoot off with nastier words." She says smiling to lighten the conversation as her pager sounded. "Here you have a sleeping baby and you should try and sleep some more before you go home."
Cristina laid Zara in the car seat and headed off. Meredith knowing she couldn't sleep grabbed the TV remote and switched it on to try and ease her mind and watch some infomercials or bad night time television.
There was a breaking news headline and she knew immediately what it was about as she read the headline. Attempted abduction of newborn child in a vicious home invasion.
"A horrific home invasion happened late last night where a mother home alone with her children was attacked and sexually assaulted as a man tried to abduct her month old baby in this quiet Seattle street. The offender entered the home at approximately 10pm where the 25 year old mother of three had gotten her three young children down for the night and went to bed herself but found the offender after hearing the door open and close and the family dog barking to warn of the invader. The dog was sedated as the mother was injected with lidocaine where she was paralysed and unable to escape or call for help." The reporter says. "Reports are arising that the victim was sexually assaulted and then attacked after the attacker became enraged at a conversation before knocking her unconscious. The oldest child is believed to have raised the alarm of the attack, hide her three year old brother in a bedroom cupboard before being threatened herself before she set the fire alarm off to scare the attacker off. He took off with the newborn baby and get as far down the street before being scared by police and crashing the vehicle. The baby was not hurt in the ordeal but was taken to the hospital as a precaution while the attacker remains in police custody. More about this horrific attack will be in the news this morning."
Meredith turned the TV off as tears welled in her eyes and she snuggled Kaylee and fell asleep to her daughter's breathing.
She was awoken a couple of hours later to Nelson hovering beside her to do a few small exams to check her concussion and to give her the all clear to be sent home. He signed her discharge form before handing it to the nurse to take over the final part of medication that was safe for her while she breastfed and orders of plenty of rest, fluids and no heavy lifting due to her state such as her ribs and wrist.
"You're going to need to help me change Derek."
"I know." He says closing the blinds and coming to the bed with clothes to change her into.
He helped her swing herself to the edge of the bed and he helped her put pants on and a baggy shirt and hoodie promising her that she could shower as soon as she got home. She stepped into her ugg boots. Kaylee was ready to go and Zara slept soundly in her car seat.
Derek packed the bag with the medications and the other bits and pieces. He threw the bag over his shoulder and helped Meredith stand with his arm wrapped around her waist for support.
"Don't let me fall."
"I won't. I promise." He tells her and carried the car seat and Kaylee held her mother's hand as they left the hospital.
Everyone remained silent on during the car trip and Derek pulled into Richard's driveway where Richard was just leaving with Charlie dressed ready to go to school.
Charlie hugged her sister for a long while and cried.
"Hey, there's no need for these tears Charlie. I'm fine."
"I was just so scared."
"You don't need to be scared anymore, I'm fine." She says kissing her forehead. "You go off to school and I'll talk to you when you're home."
Charlie nodded her head as she climbed into the car and Richard let them know he'd be back hopefully by lunchtime but told them their more than welcome to stay.
Jackson came and greeted him sister and helped her inside as Derek got the girls inside with the suitcase of clothes he had for the five of them. Cooper was fast asleep as Jasmine made tea for everyone and made Kaylee breakfast.
"I think I want to go for a shower first Jas." She says.
"I understand completely." She says smiling softly at Meredith. "We'll look after the kids while you have some time to yourself."
"Thank you."
Derek left Zara in car seat as she remained asleep and Jasmine sat beside Kaylee and talked to her while they ate and Jackson tended to Cooper as he woke and held his nephew during breakfast.
Derek followed Meredith up the stairs and into the spare room where he threw the suitcase down on the ground and helped Meredith to the bed to sit down. He grabbed an array of clothes for Meredith to put on after her shower and turned the water on and helped her down to the bathroom.
"You'll have to help me Derek."
"I will because you can't get your stitches wet either." He says. "I'll wash your hair and hold you, I won't let you go."
He helped her remove her clothes and he uncovered the bruises and marks on her body and felt anger rise in his chest but he knew being angry wouldn't help anyone right now. He covered her stitches in plastic and ensured it was waterproof before he helped her into the shower. She sat on the ground of the shower and Derek helped her rinse her hair and shampooed and conditioned it washing out the blood and every piece of him that still remained on her body. He let the hot water run over her body for quite a while and he gently massaged her shoulders as he sat down behind her and let the water run over him as well. They cleansed with hope that it was one step closer to feeling like he was gone.
"It's going to take many showers before I feel like he was been washed away."
"And I'll help you wash away that feeling." He tells her and helped her stand where they embraced for a long while as she cried and he rubbed her back as the water spilled over the two of them.
He helped her out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her and then himself. She brushed her teeth numerous times as Derek dressed himself.
He redressed Meredith again and towel dried her hair getting rid of most of the moisture. He kissed her forehead after he dressed her and then held her again. He carried their clothes to the bedroom as she brushed her teeth once again and Derek retrieved her and helped her lie down in the bed and got her some of her medication and water to take as her body was in a whole lot of pain.
Derek checked on the kids and saw that they were fine and Jackson and Jasmine assured him to be with Meredith. He carried Zara upstairs to lie her down with Meredith for another feeding and he climbed in behind her and held her in the silence except for Zara's feeding.
"I can go and kill the bastard if it will make you feel better." He tells her as he hears her soft sobs.
"It won't because you'll be in prison and not here with me." She says.
"I'd still do it for you."
"I know you would." She whispers. "You'd do anything for me."
Derek didn't say anything as they both remained in the silence and found the silence somewhat comforting.
"Just right now, I don't know what I want so just know that." She tells him.
Meredith woke to the door opening and saw Jasmine move into the room quietly and knelt down beside Meredith's side.
"We're taking the kids out for a couple of hours."
"Where's Derek?"
"He's gone to get Peanut." She says. "I can stay if you like."
"I should be right for a little while."
"Are you sure?"
Meredith nodded her head. "Go."
"We'll be back soon, call if you need anything."
Meredith smiled at Jasmine as she left the room and heard the house go silent when they left. Zara was awake and in need of a change and some more attention.
"Okay Zarz, let's get you downstairs and we can have some play time."
Meredith slowly got up from the bed and picked Zara up and settled her in a comfortable position and headed slowly down the stairs. Her diaper bag was on the table. She grabbed the bag and took out the changing mat and laid it out and laid Zara down.
"Okay we got this far little one. Let's see how good we go from here."
She unbuttoned her onesie and took it off and took off her diaper. She cleaned Zara down and put the new diaper on but struggled to put the new onesie on fumbling on the buttons causing herself to become frustrated and Zara to become unsettled.
"Sorry baby, mummy is doing the best she can." She says trying to soothe Zara. "Mummy's hurting a lot as well."
Meredith picked her up in her arms but felt pain stricken her body immediately and Meredith wince in pain as Zara cried.
She put her down in the car seat and rocked her but nothing did the job and she too began crying.
The front door opened and Richard came inside.
"Mer, its me." He says. "Are you alright?" He calls out.
He doesn't hear a reply and walks to the kitchen where Meredith is desperately trying to settle Zara.
"Hey what's wrong?"
"I can't pick her up."
"It's fine. I've got it." He reassures her. "Come to Poppy."
He lifts Zara into his arms and pats her back and walks around talking to her softly. Meredith watched as her father soothed her daughter better than she could and she set off upstairs to her room in tears.
She heard Zara's cries cease and heard footsteps coming up the stairs and into the bedroom.
"What do you need?"
"My meds." She says wiping the tears from her eyes.
Richard goes about getting her pain meds and waits until she is settled herself. She found it impossible to calm down and Richard held her while she cried settling her like he settled Zara.
He said no words and let the room remain silent while she calmed down herself. Once she could breathe and talk Richard got her to take her pain meds and took her downstairs where he left Zara in the rocker.
"I must look ridiculous. Not being able to comfort her." She says as he helps her onto the lounge.
"You're in pain. You're allowed to slip up once in a while." He says making her comfortable with blankets and pillows. "And deep down Zara knows that."
"She understands that her mother let her be taken."
"She'll never remember that. She's too young."
"But it doesn't stop the nightmares she'll have. The ones where she's lying in her crib crying and crying but no one comes to her except for the bad man who takes off with her and she is left alone by her parents."
"You know the good things about nightmares?" He says. "You always wake up and it goes away. You'll be the person to help her rid of the pain and comfort her and remind her it was only a dream."
"But does the nightmare always end."
"Eventually it does." He says sensing her discomfort from the night before. "You just have to remind yourself that they do and believe that it gets easier."
"I feel like I'll never get out of this nightmare."
"Believe me, you will." He says. "I know how you feel. After your mother died, I felt the exact same, it was a constant nightmare for weeks on end after she died. I kept having the same nightmare that she'd died because of me and I nearly believed that it was my fault until I had a dream, it was a flash of my life and she was there again, right beside me reminding me of the dreadful disease she had and despite all attempts of a cure there was nothing. I relived the last few words we shared with each other before she was taken to hospital and she told me, 'you'll get off the road one day and join me soon, it's not your fault at all, it's the unfortunate part of life and this was just bump in the road that I had to accept, you can't change what happened but you accept eventually despite how hard it is, it'll get easier with time, I know it does, I'm accepting it now and I want you to as well.' She really helped me ease out of the grief and blame stage and move on into the last steps of grieving. She also told me to kiss the grandkids for her. Not grandkid, grandkids. That was the morning you told me Cooper was growing inside of you and I accepted the bump in the road and moved on down that road into a new part of the road."
"Why'd you never tell me about that?"
"It's something I kept to myself because there's never been a time I had to give that same advice until today." He says. "I promised your mother I'd look after you and I will."
"I don't feel like I've hit a bump, I feel like I'm on a train that's moving a thousand miles an hour and I can't get off."
"That feeling will pass overtime. The train will slow down and you'll be able to understand everything without it feeling like a blur."
She smiled at him and he softly embraced her.
"Thank you."
"My pleasure dear." He says kissing her forehead. "I wish your mother was here today."
"To tell me how bad of a surgeon I was or how I chose the wrong path in life."
"You're a great surgeon Meredith and she'd love the kids."
"She was a terrible mother, she wouldn't be a great grandmother."
"I know she wouldn't but I know she'd be proud of you managing your career and the kids."
"She'd never tell me that, she'd fault me for doing both."
"You know compliments were hard for her. She tried her best to be a good person, I wish you could see the good she did have in herself. She told me a lot how she admired you as a young mother and how well Kaylee was. She always asked to see the baby many days and I had to remind her that she was in Seattle and show her pictures of the baby. Her eyes had a sparkle in them when she spoke about Kaylee, she always remembered who the baby was and it was amazing that I never had to remind her who she was. Kaylee was in her heart and she loved the fact that she was a grandmother before she passed away."
"She'd be stubborn though in every way possible."
"That defined you're mother." He says. "Deep down she tried to love you kids but she wasn't good at the parenting part, she was best at being a surgeon."
Meredith nodded her head and he kissed her forehead and ran his finger over the cut on her cheek.
"It's going to be hard for me to trust Derek because I believe that all man are evil and will do what he did to me."
"I know. That's the worst thing about this, you're turned against your beliefs but he wasn't a loved one that hurt you, you have to remember that." He says. "Let Derek in because he's a good man and he'll never hurt you like that man did. He has a kind heart and a gentle presence that will help you." He says. "He feels guilty enough about this and it will destroy him if you let him believe the guilt and bury himself in it. Let him in and remind him that what happened was random. It was beyond his control and it was just life that he wasn't home while it happened. Let him in and move through the stages of grief together. What happened to you should have never happened." He tells her.
"I just want to hurt the man."
"People will tell you to forgive and forget Mer and it's going to be hard to accept what happened to you all. I know you want to hurt the man who did this to you but you should at least forget. Old wounds never heal but you have just got to hope that you'll be lucky enough to forgive and move on once you accept it just one of the random things life throws our way."
"I've only just gotten over the grief thing."
"I know but soldier on dear, you're tough and you never let anything get you down." He kisses her forehead again. "You're bulletproof."
He leaves her alone to make himself a cup of tea and makes a phone call. Derek had come back to the house and found her on the couch. Meredith motioned for him to take a seat beside her and he sat down and she grasped his hand.
"We first learn to communicate before anything else." He says. "We learn how to cry, smile, laugh and talk little words and make sounds before we do anything else in life. We grow up and learn words and really start talking but when we get older it becomes so much harder to know what to say to people when things happen. We learn about bedside manners at med school and how to talk to patients who are dying and to family's who have undergone a tragedy but right now it's happening to us, we've become the people facing something and I don't even know what to say to you."
"And I don't know how to ask for what I really want." She says. "I really can't string together my feelings because I'm feeling all kinds of things right now."
"You're allowed to be a bitch if it helps then I'll know what page you're on." He says kissing her hand.
They reposition themselves so Meredith lay between Derek's legs with her head rested on Derek's chest.
"Remember that patient, he was a Buddhist and he taught us all about the four noble truths of life?"
"I do." She says. "Dukkha, Samudaya, Nirodha, and Magga." She says. "Dukkha, suffering exists."
"Suffering is real and universal." He adds.
"Samudaya, there is a cause for suffering."
"It is the desire to control and have things." He says. "Craving for sense-pleasure, craving to be, craving not to be."
"Nirodha, there is an end to suffering."
"Suffering ceases with the final liberation of Nirvana. The mind experiences complete freedom, liberation and non-attachment. It lets go of any desire or craving."
"The cessation of Dukkha: to confine, release and 'control' of restraint." Meredith says. "Magga, in order to end suffering you must follow the Eightfold path."
"Wisdom: right view, right intention."
"Ethical conduct: Right speech, right action, right livelihood."
"Concentration." Derek says.
"Right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration." The two of them say together.
Derek links his fingers through Meredith's hand and smiles at her. "Dukkha, Samudaya, Nirodha and Magga." He says. "Let's just focus on Dukkha for now." He says kissing the top of her head.
They both fall asleep in each other's arms and Richard enters the room and smiles seeing the small step they made. He disappeared back into his study and pulled out the photograph of Ellis and Kaylee together and remembered the words she told Kaylee.
"Kaylee, I won't be around for most of your life. I desperately hoped there'd be a cure so I could see you grow into the fine young woman you'll become. You'll be strong at heart dear; you've got the Grey gene. Let's hope you're not stubborn like you're Nanna. Stand proud for what you believe in and don't let anyone destroy your beliefs. I did that to your mother destroyed her beliefs but she proved me wrong. She was so passionate about you and I tried many times to destroy that passion but she never let it get to her. She simply didn't care for my antics and she showed me how easy it is to love someone who is so small and precious and innocent and I regretted everything I did to destroy her but once I saw you in her arms, the happy look on her face and the way she acted around you I knew it'd missed out on a life of loving my children." She says. "So Kaylee, promise me you'll love everything you're passionate about. Don't let people change your views and stand tall when you fall down. Flaws define a person and I like the flaws in people. Flaws make a person. Remember sweetie, I'll love you forever. I'll have you right in here." She says pointing to her heart. "Remember to love in life because at least you have experienced what love is. Be a mother and love your children with all that love you have and never forget the ones who have defined your life. I'll never forget you because you defined all my faults and showed me what the true meaning of life is when it's too late."
"Love Nanna." Kaylee said touching her own heart. "Right here." Before kissing her nanna and hugging her.
"I'm going to miss you Kaylee." She says with tears falling down her cheeks as she kisses Kaylee. "Cherish your life dear."
