51. Deep Breath Before the Plunge

I just can't walk away, 'cause after loving you

I can never be the same

And how can I pretend I never knew you

Like it was all a dream, no

I know I'll never forget, The way I always felt with you beside me

And how you loved me then

-Red

By the time we make it back to the Vigil, I already have a list going of things I need to accomplish. High on the list is talking to Wade. I know he likes working with rare and exotic materials, so I'm wondering if he can do something with the dragonbone Nathaniel found in the Blackmarsh.

"So how'd it go?" Anders asks as we walk through the gate, Pounce darting over to greet the dogs. Honey licks him and he makes a noise of feline protest before hiding behind Anders.

"Aside from a drunken idiot I really wish you'd been there to fry, not bad at all," I reply with a grin. "And what about you? All better?"

He laughs. "Yes, thanks. You can stop worrying about me now. No permenant damage, just a scar."

"I saw. Y'know some women like scars," I comment, thinking of Gabriel telling me how Miri likes his collection of scars.

"This is true," he agrees with a grin. "Oh, and I taught Velanna some more healing spells. Practically had to glue her mouth shut so she'd sodding listen, but she's now almost as good as me."

"Almost, huh?" I tease as Nathaniel and Sigrun head inside the keep.

"I have to make sure you have a reason to keep me around," he points out with a grin.

"Pssh, Anders, I will always keep you around. You're just too much fun," I retort. "Didja get a chance to read the book I left for you?"

He nods as we make our way back toward the keep. "I did. Where'd you get that? I've never heard of magic like that before."

"Oh, um, when we were in the Brecilian Forest. We went in these elven ruins that were beyond ancient," I explain. "There was a... Presence, a spirit, trapped in a phylactery-like gem thing that had been there for centuries. It had been an arcane warrior-its term, not mine-and was willing to tell me some of the secrets it still remembered if I would give it release. I agreed. Tell me the idea of being more protected when something like that bloody pride demon is after you doesn't have some appeal, you know?"

He nods. "Was it useful to you then?"

I scoff. "Wynne spent the rest of our quest or whatever you wanna call it wearin' armor, so I'd say yes. It works, it's helpful, and considering you have this habit of not getting far enough out of the line of fire in fights, I think you should give it a try."

He shoots me a curious look. "You have an extra set of armor lyin' around somewhere?"

I grin at him. "I'll see what I can do. Right now I need to get some things and talk to Wade. Oh, and is Hayden still here?"

Anders shakes his head. "He left yesterday. The queen apparently wanted him back."

"Ah. Well, their wedding is soon, so she might be to the point of needing his help."

"He seemed rather torn about going back, to be honest," the mage comments.

"Probably misses Anora, but doesn't want to be stuck helping with all the more feminine aspects of planning a wedding," I point out.

"You sound like you know how this works," Anders teases.

"Considering I came this close to getting married, I should," I retort.

Both his eyebrows shoot up at that. "You... married? Really?"

I laugh and punch him in the arm. "Shut up! Yes, I almost got married."

"Ah. Well, operating off the assumption that's where that gold ring you bloody refuse to take off came from, I'm going to guess you weren't the one to end things."

"Neither of us wanted to," I reply softly, twisting the band around. "He... he was killed trying to rescue me when the arl's son kidnapped a bunch of the women for... entertainment."

Anders scowls. "Bastard."

"Tell me about it," I agree. "I've killed a lot of people and other things since joining the Wardens, done a lot of things, but nothing has given me the same sense of satisfaction as slitting that pig's throat."

"You scare me sometimes," he teases.

"I'm not going to lie," I retort, crossing my arms. "He needed to die. And while, yes, vengence may have been part of my motivation, that sick son of a bitch deserved it."

"Calm down, boss." Anders holds up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I wasn't disagreeing with you or anything. Sweet Andraste, did I finally discover a touchy point of Rahna Tabris?"

I blush. "Yeah. That's a big one. And I almost killed someone who insulted Alistair after he was dead. Those are the only important ones, I think."

"I wouldn't dream of insulting the man you tell us is the true Hero of Ferelden," Anders grins.

I laugh. "How do you manage to make me laugh no matter what?"

He shrugs. "I'm just special like that." He tugs on one of my pigtails, knocking my hand away when I try to retaliate. "Don't you have things to do, Commander?"

I stick my tongue out at him. "Yes, I do. See you around."

oOo

When I go to get the dragonbone from my room, I remember that I also have some wood from a particularly big sylvan in the Wending Wood. Wonder if Wade can do anything with that... I pick it up as well. No harm in asking. Worst he can say is no.

But he doesn't. He seems almost as excited about the wood-calls it heartwood-as he is about the dragonbone. I grin as his eyes gleam.

"Now, I will need a few other things to make anything out of these, Commander," he admits. "Let me write them down for you..." He hastily scrawls out a two-part list and hands it to me. "Hurry back! I can't wait to get started..."

"In the meantime, while I'm getting these things for you, d'you think you could use some of the ore we've found to start working on better armor for the knights here?" I ask, scanning the list. "Sod, Wade... where'm I supposed to find catgut? And the jewels..." I sigh. "Never mind. I think I know where. Just start working on the armor. Please."

He nods. "Of course, Commander."

I run over the lists again as I walk away. Maker, this man has some high demands...

oOo

Despite my fears, I actually manage to find almost everything Wade needs with relative ease. Sigrun had hoarded some of the gems we found in the Silverite Mines, though how she got them, I'm not entirely sure. Maybe Anders or Nathaniel gave her some, knowing her love for shiny things. She happily hands over a ruby and a diamond when I explain why I need them.

"All I'm doing is looking at them, Commander. If you can actually use them, be my guest," she grins as she hands over the stones.

"Thanks, Sig."

The cook has some catgut, and I scrounge up the rest fairly easily. The only problem turns out to be the runes. Velanna's good at making potions and poultices, but not at runecrafting. Guess I'll check with Anders... He's not in his room, though, and I have to search almost the whole bloody keep before I find him, talking with Justice in one of the further corners of the courtyard.

"I understand you struggle against your oppression, mage," the spirit is saying.

"I avoid my oppression," Anders clarifies, kneeling to rub Pounce's stomach when the cat rolls over and bats at his feet. "That's not quite the same thing, is it?"

Justice frowns. "Why do you not strike a blow against your oppressors? Ensure they can do this to no one else?"

"Because it sounds difficult?" the mage offers, scooping up his cat and standing.

The frown turns into a scowl as Justice points out, "Apathy is a weakness."

"So is death," Anders retorts. "Just sayin'."

"You have a responsibility to your fellow mages," the spirit argues. "You have seen oppression and are now free. You must act to free those who remain oppressed."
"Or I could mind my business, in case the Chantry comes knocking, "Anders counters.

Justice looks confused. "But... you have an obligation. This is not right."

Anders scoffs. "Yes, well... welcome to the world, spirit." He notices me watching. "Rahna, did you need something? Please say yes."

I laugh. "Yes, I do. How are you with runecrafting?"

"Well, only Tranquil are true experts," he explains, "But I can do a passable job. What did you need?" He purposefully ignores Justice as he give me his full attention.

I show his the list. "These two."

"Grandmaster?" He sighs. "I can try. Wait a tick." He heads back to the keep. I follow at a much slower, meandering pace. By the time I make it to his room, he's waiting with the two finished runes in hand. "You owe me for this, boss."

"Considering I saved you from a conversation it didn't look like you were enjoying to terribly much, can we call it even?" I suggest hopefully.

"Oh, fine." He grins. "You're lucky I have a weakness for beautiful women."

I chuckle. "Yes, I am. Thanks, Anders." The last things I needed in hand, I head back to Wade.

oOo

Wade's always been fastest when given a challenge, so I believe him when he tells me he only needs a few hours for both tasks. The dragonbone's going to become a new sword for me, and the heartwood's going to make a new bow for Nathaniel. I know there's sentimental value to his current bow, with it having been his grandfather's and all, and he can still keep it, but if this bow is better... Well, I just have a feeling things are going to erupt into all kinds of crazy soon, and if he has a better weapon at his disposal, I'll feel much better.

But for now, there's nothing to do but kill time and wait for Wade to be done. I decide to use this delicious bit of free time to just sit and think. Fade finds me as I'm climbing the steps to the now-repaired walls. Voldrik's been busy, I think, reaching down to ruffle Fade's ears. "Hey, boy. Decide to finally give Honey a break? You know you need to give her some space."

He pushes his nose against my hand, and I scratch his ears some more.

"I know you're smitten. It's cute. But let her breathe," I chuckle, hardly able to believe I'm giving romantic advice to my sodding dog. I mean, I know mabari are smart, but it still seems slightly silly.

We find a good spot and I lean my head back against the battlement and lose myself in thought.

oOo

"You're doing it again, love," Alistair teases, kissing the top of my head.

"Doing what?" I ask, tilting my head back to raise an eyebrow at him.

He grins. "That cute thing where you get lost in thought and your eyebrows scrunch up."

I try to glare at him, but fail spectacularly. Not that I'm surprised. I can't stay mad at him, ever. "Glad you find my idiosyncrasies so amusing. But back to the task at hand?"

"Ooh, all business today." He sobers, as if remembering where we are. "Maker, I'm sorry, Rahna. You're probably totally not in the mood."

I give him an appreciative smile, squeezing his hand. "It's alright. And I'm sorry I'm so focused."
"Don't be." He wraps an arm around my shoulders to pull me close as we walk, ignoring the disapproving noise Morrigan makes. "I know you're worried about your father. I would be, too. I'm just... not used to seeing you this serious. It's weird."

Worried as I may be about finding my father, I have to giggle at that. "That's one of the many, many things I love about you," I whisper. "You can always make me laugh. And I hope that never, ever changes."

He grins again, offering a slight bow. "Your desire is my command, m'lady."

I push up on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek. "My hero. Now, let's track down these slavers before we have to follow them all the way back to Tevinter, aye?"

"A sound plan," Morrigan mutters behind us, but I ignore the sarcastic bite to the words. "One would think we had all the time in the world."

I tune out both her complaints and Wynne's admonition for her to be quiet as I slip my hand back into Alistair's and resume course down the dingy hallway.

oOo

I sigh as the memory fades; narrow hallways full of garbage shifting back into the stone battlements of the Vigil, Alistair, Morrigan, and Wynne vanishing like wisps of smoke, leaving me with only Fade, who's snoring away with his head in my lap. Much as I love my dog, this does not seem a very fair trade to me.

A wry smile tugs at my lips as I play with Fade's ears. "A handsome prince for a slobbery dog seem fair to you?" I ask the air.

"Not particularly."

I wasn't expecting an answer; I thought I was alone up here, and getting a reply makes me jump and bang my head against the wall. "Ow!"

"Sorry, Rahna," Anders chuckles apologetically as he sits down next to me. "Allow me." He rests his hand against the back of my head and I feel a small healing spell bleed away the throbbing.

"Thanks." I still rub the formerly sore spot once he drops his hand, more out of habit than necessity. "How come you're always the one to find me up here?"

"We think alike?" he offers with a shrug. "I dunno. I wasn't actually looking for you this time. Just wandering and happened to find you."

"Just wandering, huh?"

"Well, wandering and thinking," he amends.

"About what?" I prop my chin on my hand.

"Well, that statue of Andraste in the courtyard for one," he chuckles.

I shoot him a confused look, still idly petting Fade with my free hand. "What?"

"D'you think she was really that much of a looker? Wouldn't she've been, I dunno, a barbarian?"

I have to laugh at that, the last bits of melancholy from my memory fading away. "What, you expect an icon to be realistic? Really?"

"Well, no. But still... Andraste did exist, right? Wonder what she'd think of the Circle of Magi? Y'know, the whole thing with forcing mages to fight demons or be made Tranquil?"

"I have a feeling it would confuse her," I answer, slightly surprised at the fact I'm actually having a deep conversation with Anders. Usually we stick to the light-hearted and superficial in our conversations. Nathaniel's the one I get serious with, you almost can't help it with that man.

Anders nods. "I'll bet you're right. Seems to me, she counseled men to seek their own paths to the Maker. But the Chantry uses her words to collar us simply for being who we are."

There's a layer of vehement anger under his words. That surprises me; he's always seemed laid back and devil-may-care about the Circle and his escapes. But I know he's right; between him and Jowan, I've heard and seen enough of the templars' opinion about mages. "I couldn't agree more."

He grins. "Sweet of you. She's still quite a looker for a prophet. Just sayin'..."

A/N: This actually ended up longer than I thought it would be. I was going to end the chapter pretty much right after Rahna's memory, but Anders walked up and wanted more attention, so I worked in another in-game dialogue. =P And speaking of Anders, yes, he's now an arcane warrior(and Velanna's a spirit healer). Which usually happens at the beginning of my games, but I couldn't figure out how to work it in until now. Please tell me I'm not the only one who's enjoyed the lovely side benefit of a certain blond mage looking rather yummy in, say, Effort. *clears throat* Anywayyy, the end draws near. And by this I just mean the final boss fight and much carnage etc. NOT the end of Rahna's story. I fully intend to keep writing her all the way up to her Calling(which I know I will cry writing. I love my girl). Oh, and the chapter title is from The Return of the King. My inner nerd showing again... :P