Abydos

Kasuf calls us to his planet because he heard a sandstorm say the name of his daughter, my wife. I'm not so sure that I'm convinced, but when it comes to things related to the Stargate, I'm willing to believe the crazy. It wasn't too long ago that I was called crazy because of something Stargate-related.

Then the windstorm picks up, and I hear Sha're saying my name. It isn't her that walks to me out of the windstorm though. The universe is not that kind. It's a little kid. He says that he's Sha're's son, but that's impossible, because her son is a baby.

Shifu, as he calls himself, tells me that he grew rapidly, has forgotten the knowledge of the Goa'uld, and that Oma is letting him spend time with me.

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I told him about his mother, and then I just asked him to do me a favor. A big favor which would have resulted in him being harmed. I'm really not worthy of fatherhood.

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Shifu gave me a dream, and it took a couple of days before I was ready to write about it. It doesn't exactly say the best thing about me.

I asked him for a whole bunch of information that the Goa'uld, and in the dream he gave it to me. At first it seemed that it was a great gift. I drew up some blueprints about various forms of Goa'uld technology, and I developed a network of satellites that would save the planet.

But it didn't take long for the evil thoughts of the Goa'uld to start creeping into my mind. I could feel the pull for power, the desperate need to be in charge, the hatred. God, the hatred.

The images of me hurting my friends kept popping into my head, and I enjoyed it. It made me feel higher than when I was on the sarcophagus.

I understand more about why the Goa'uld are the way they are. I already understood a little bit of it from the time that I had spent in the sarcophagus. Now, I know how genetic memory can twist and influence everything to the point where you completely lose yourself in the memories. The Goa'uld don't even have a chance. They are all born with thousands upon thousands of years of evil inside their brain.

If I was given that kind of knowledge, I would be evil. I would kill people, kill my friends, and destroy the world.

So what does that say about me? The only reason that I am not pure evil is luck? Lack of opportunity? Chance?

There is such darkness within me, and now that I have seen it I can never look at myself the same way again.

Last night I woke up from a bad dream, and I locked myself in the bathroom for a while. I was tempted to call someone up, and ask them to put me in jail. I don't think they would, though. I mean, what could I say? I had a dream that I was evil?

I'm actually tempted to commit a crime so that I don't end up hurting anyone. I just can't think of a peaceful crime.

Maybe I should just tell Teal'c to hold a zat on me for the rest of my life. Of course, that would be a waste of Teal'c. The scariest part of the story was that Teal'c and Sam and Jack all tried to stop me and failed. May I never be more powerful than my friends.

I never told anyone what the dream is, and God knows that they tried to get me to tell them. I was afraid that if I told them they wouldn't respect me anymore. Hell, I don't respect myself anymore.

My heart weighs a hell of a lot more than a feather.

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Oma Wisdom:

The true nature of a man is decided in the battle between his conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious… the only way to win is to deny the battle.