TOPH

ONCE, WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, TOPH'S PARENTS HAD, IN THE WAY THAT PARENTS WHO STILL LOVE EACH OTHER DO, REGALED HER WITH THE STORY OF HOW THEY MET. Both of her parents tended to turn poetic at such moments, but, from what she could tell, it all boiled to the fact that, sure, it was an arranged marriage (such, after all, was the lot in life for people in their position), but, the moment they laid eyes on each other, both had known that this was going to be different. It was love at first sight and blah, and blah, and blah, and more blah. Toph felt that such occasions were even worse for her than those cursed with the gift of sight, since she had to endure the signs and the signals that made her want to gag. When her parents had finished, she had taken a big gulp of water, and then, all of thirteen-years-old, said, "Yeah, that was great…do me a favor, and never tell that fucking story again, okay?" Her parents had found this response hysterical, but Toph had spent the next week trying to scrub the sugary sweetness out of her mind. She had honestly and truly felt that it was impossible to ever get that grossed out again.

On the night of the ball, though, she discovered that she was comically mistaken.

First, there was the way Katara started gripping her hand like it was a piece of wood in the middle of a storm at sea. Then, there was the way the girl's heart started fluttering and dancing about. And was that sweat on her palms? Ugh, gag me with a fucking spoon.

The officer (for that was what Toph inferred, from what Katara had said before dragging her across the floor) was even worse, to Toph's unending surprise. The other one (another educated guess on Toph's part) seemed pretty chill, though slightly confused, but the one right in front of Katara? Yeesh. If the asshole gulped one more time, Toph was pretty sure she was going to bust a tit, right then and there.

And then, just when Toph didn't think it could get any worse, they started talking.

Oh, for the love of all that is fucking holy, she groaned to herself, if people had even an inkling of how stupid they sounded at times like this, they'd never say a word.

Katara started. Her grip on Toph's hand tightened, and she started playing with her hair, a habit Toph found vaguely irritating, mostly for the sound it made. "So," she said, in Inuktitut, "um…how are you, gentlemen?"

Did her heart and his just do synchronized flips? Gods fucking help me, they did.

The officer shifted his feet and replied, in Inuktitut as polished and urbane as Toph's, "Well…um…I'm…I mean, we're…doing very well, this evening." He switched back into Nihongo to say to his comrade, "Aren't we, Toru?"

Toph really wished she could've seen the look on the one called Toru's face when he said, "Dude, I haven't even the faintest fucking clue what's going on."

"Look, man, this is her. It's Katara!"

The one called Toru's heart did something very curious then: It stopped, it dropped, and there was a barely contained sigh that was just barely beaten back. Curiouser and curiouser… "Oh? Really? How can you tell?"

Toph didn't catch the response, because Katara was suddenly right by her ear and asking, in Guangzhou, "What're they saying?"

"They're talking about how nice your tits are, Sugar Queen."

"Oh, really?" Oh. My. Gods. She's…she's not offended by that. What. What. WHAT.

"No, I'm joking. These dudes don't read like that type."

"Well, I could have told you that." And there was a sound of rustling fabric, and if Katara wasn't subtly adjusting her dress to show certain things off, Toph would've happily shit a brick.

"Right, so, you know these jokers?"

"Oh, yeah…" Come on, Sugar Queen, don't forget your excuse for dragging me over here. Yeesh. Switching back to Inuktitut, Katara said, in a voice that trembled with excitement, "My name is Ka-uh, Kya. My name is Kya. Right, and this," a squeeze of the hand, "is my friend, the Lady Toph Bei Fong."

"Ah," the nervous officer said, in a voice that said he really couldn't give less of a shit who Toph was, "the Lord Bei Fong's daughter, I presume?"

Normally, at this point, Toph would've jumped in, because fuck if she was going to let people do that thing where they talked like she wasn't there. That would've been her standard move, and yet…this was just too delicious. So, she shut her mouth and waited.

Earrings jangled, which meant Katara was nodding quite vigorously. "The very one. And…um...well, she'd never met a Fire Nation officer before, at least, not like this, so she wanted to meet you. And you two would be…?"

"Well…um…I'm Tokugawa Zuko, Lieutenant, First Grade, and this is my friend and comrade, Watanabe Toru, Lieutenant, First Grade."

The other one no doubt gave a little bow as he said, "A pleasure, my ladies," in fairly passable Guangzhou.

"And what unit are you gentlemen with?" Katara was asking, while Toph was thinking, Really? Is this all necessary? Can you two just go and tear each other's clothes off already? I mean, for fuck's sake…

"The Ninety-Fourth Infantry," can the reply, "billeted about five days west of here."

Katara opened her mouth, but never spoke, because Toph had heard something she needed clarified, and, well…the hell? "Hold on a minute right there, if you don't mind," she burst out, barreling into the conversation with her solid Inuktitut, "what was your family name again? You, the one who keeps rubbing the back of your neck. Not you, you're cool, Toru, right? Yeah, no, you, Zuko, He with the Outrageously Dry Mouth."

There was a long pause, one which even Toph found awkward, before Dry Mouth answered her. "Tokugawa."

"Uh huh." She rounded on Katara. "You never mentioned that he was a fucking prince."

Toph expected a lot of things, not least among them for Katara to get shocked and for this little revelation to cause some nice, delicious drama. What she wasn't expecting, was for Katara's heart to just about stop, the hand to be pulled away, and the water in a nearby pitcher to start vibrating.

Uh oh…

"Well," Katara said, sounding like she was smiling through gritted teeth, "maybe I didn't tell you because it was none of your business. Or maybe, just maybe, it's not something Zuko would want to talk about. Or maybe-"

Toph raised her hands. "Sorry I mentioned it. Please, go back to eye-fucking each other. Seems to be much safer for me."

"We're not…we're…grr. You're impossible, you know that, Toph?"

"And that's why you can't help but love me."

"…fair enough."

From next to Prince Hot-Pants (since, judging from the way Katara's heart was thumping away, this prince filled out a uniform quite nicely), Cool and Curious cleared his throat and asked, quite politely, in Nihongo, "Zuk, seriously, do you mind? I don't need a play-by-play, but some kind of summary would be appreciated…"

Prince Hot-Pants (Sparky Pants? Lord Sparky? Prince Hotman? Come on, Toph, you can do better than that) seemed to give a little jump. "Oh, right, yeah, sorry, you never learned Inuktitut."

"Never thought I'd need to."

Alright, time to end this farce. Stepping forward, Toph switched into her perfect Nihongo to say, "You know what, Captain Cool, I think we should leave Prince Sparky and Kya here to their own devices. I mean, I don't know about you, but I can think of better things to do than standing here and watching them awkward each other into the sack."

Captain Cool (yeah, Captain Cool, I like that, though maybe he's only cool when next to Sparky…Sparky…yeah…) took a moment to think, before moving to her side and letting her thread an arm through his. "You know what? That sounds amazing." They began striding off. "So, what did you want to know about the Army?"

"Well, for one thing, how's the pussy? If it's good enough, I might think about joining up myself."

"Oh? Well, I'm afraid I wouldn't know too much about that, but there is one colleague of mine…"

And so they went off, leaving behind a boy named Zuko and a girl named Katara.


That was just all kinds of fun. Don't you think so? I do. I think this story needs more Toph POVs. What about you?

One quick note: I defend this chapter against the charge of misogyny, at least, one particular part. Every single one of us has, at some point, taken a moment to make sure certain things that we like about ourselves were showing while talking to someone we like. And if you try to say otherwise, you're lying.

But you're waiting for the fluff, I imagine. On to the fluff!

In the next chapter, a girl and a boy start trying to awkward each other into the sack. Stay tuned!