Chapter 52: Zuko's Solar Plexus Chakra Trial
Travahar hurried back as quickly as he could to hear the tail end of Mu-Tan sparring harshly with Zuko. Apparently, Mu-Tan was "putting things into perspective," as Travahar overheard when he came in. As he stepped onto the mats, it was clear that most of the fight was now gone from Zuko. He was exhausted. Travahar was concerned. This was not what he expected. And yet, it was time Zuko did get a reality check on the mats from someone ready to give it to him.
Mu-Tan had them take the seated meditation pose and explained the importance of teammates, partners, and alliances. It seemed almost a mix of knowing one's self, knowing your partner, and knowing your enemies… most importantly, knowing the difference between friends and enemies. The discussion was followed by a description of team tactics.
They started this evening by facing each other in an hour long observation. They were told to be mindful of everything they observe in that very moment of the other. Then they were given time to write what they observed. They were told this would repeat in the morning. They were dismissed from the dojo.
As Travahar left the dojo, Zuko stopped him. Zuko wanted to say something but didn't know just what. He stepped aside and let Travahar pass. Zuko had to prepare to face another chakra rite. He really didn't want to, but knew he had to and that the reasons why were extremely important to not just him. He would do anything for Faelin. This would bring him a step closer. If he could give her nothing else, he would give her himself in service. He just needed to be able to keep himself in check. As Zuko made his way down the stairs for that evening's trunk for the rite, the shame of his behavior these past days made him queasy. Maybe he was just queasy from not eating much today. He slumped down on the bottom step.
Travahar walked away from the dojo to the red lantern house wondering what it was Zuko was about to tell him. His head, though, was full of many other thoughts. The lecture on working together was crucial to his life, not just the competition. He wondered if Zuko understood that. When he met with Faelin, he thought about how much trouble they were going through and the reasons why. "Faelin?" he asked hesitantly. "Do you love him?"
She stopped in mid-stride, surprised by his question. Zuko… she thought. They had been apart so long. She longed for him. She missed him holding her and watching over her sleep at night. Now both were impossible. At best, she sees him for the rites. Even that was a risk. Yet, when her eyes met Travahar's, there was no doubt. She simply nodded.
He smiled and put his arm around her as someone walked passed them. "I confessed the same to Hwa Lan today. I can't believe I dared to. And I can't believe how nervous I felt… nor how relieved I was that I had. I wish things were different and we could be who we are… be with who we want when we want." He paused then continued. "I asked her to be by my side always, regardless of what the future holds. Do you think that was foolish?"
Faelin hadn't realized what situation Travahar was in. She didn't really know his background. So she wondered if he was caught like her and Zuko. She smiled. Confessing love was nothing to be ashamed of and was never really foolish. At least it wasn't as far as she was concerned. What was foolish was denying it.
They walked in silence after that. When they sat by the Fountain of Lights, she was pleased to find that someone had lit the lanterns that evening. She took out of her pocket some leather cords that she was weaving into a flat four-strand weave. Travahar looked over at what she was doing. Faelin wanted to explain it to him, puzzling with how to. She took Travahar's arm and stretched it out, amused by his compliancy out of curiosity and his perplexed expression. She then wrapped the band around his upper arm. Realization lit his face and she smiled.
"Are you making that for him?" he asked with wonderment.
Faelin nodded. She knew that Zuko would likely want arm bands again in the competition. It would be like facing someone in Agni Kai. There were certain things to wear that were appropriate. Besides, his were lost with his old belongings and this would help him remember the pride and honor he carried deep inside him.
She finished the first armband when Travahar indicated it was time to go. She tucked it back into hiding within her clothing. Again Travahar put his arm around her as he escorted her to the dojo. They nodded occasionally to passers by. There were more people on the streets as the weather was slightly warmer.
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The trunk that Zuko carried up was heavier than the previous two. It was covered in yellow and gold lacquered and woven bamboo. Zuko knew the routine now. He was to set up the small table and cushion he would find inside as Mu-Tan explained each item. These items and instructions helped him to understand what he was doing and why. It still felt like "avatar stuff" but this was how Silver Circle Guards were initiated. Balance and control were needed to be Silver Circle. Zuko knew, even if he would never admit it aloud, that he lacked both. His uncle had been trying to tell him this in many small ways over the years. Zuko had just been too stubborn and impulsive to understand or accept. It hurt his pride to accept. It wounded his sense of honor to admit it. What honor do I have left? What pride do I now have? After the past few days… shame settled like a sour lump of fouled food in his stomach.
The symbol on this new box was of a yellow and gold sun. The silver circle was still present. Within the yellow and gold sun was a gold triangle pointing upward. Within the golden triangle was fire opal. He remembered it from the one the seer gave him and wondered where this one came from. The seer had said as he asked her about his mother, "you will see this again and know your path… but her… she is wrapped too deeply from my visions." The flickers inside the fire opal drew his attention as he passed his fingers over it. They were so alive. Was his mother?
Mu-Tan began, "This chakra is related to…"
"Fire," finished Zuko.
Mu-Tan nodded. "What can you tell me about the symbol?"
Zuko looked at it and fingered the flaming fire opal once more. "The upright triangle is the alchemical symbol for fire. The colors are yellow and gold and orange, though orange is not the focus as it was for the last chakra. This chakra is also associated with the sun since this symbol looks like a sun."
Again Mu-Tan nodded, the corners of his mouth curling up as he was proud how Zuko was now able to deduce these things on his own. "The chakra is the solar plexus. It is between your heart and your navel."
Still feeling slightly queasy, he asked his next question, dreading the answer. "Would that make it the stomach chakra, too?"
Mu-Tan smirked. "Some refer to it as the stomach chakra."
Zuko wished he could nibble some bread before this rite. He took a deep breath and tried hard to forget his looming nausea. In the center of the dojo, he placed all the contents of the trunk while Ling prepared what promised to be another foul concoction to call forth the energies of the next chakra. Mu-Tan was lighting short torches around the dojo.
The small table that Zuko pulled out of the little trunk was covered in gold. It may even have been a solid gold sheet. He knelt and placed his hands upon it to heat it subtly with firebending. That confirmed it. It was a sheet about a quarter inch think of solid gold. No wonder it was so heavy! The little table had many divots on three sides. The tea light candles in the trunk fit into them. Five on each end and ten across the opposite side from where Zuko would sit. There was a zafu cushion covered in yellow silk brocade with red dragons and golden phoenixes. There was an oil burner made of citrine which Zuko figured went into the center of the table. He set a tea light candle in place in the oil burner. He took a small cup from the kitchen and poured a little water into the oil burner. There were three small bottles of oil: ginger, cinnamon, clove. Mu-Tan instructed Zuko to put three drops of each into the oil burner. The spicy scent did not help Zuko's nausea. He pulled out the vibrant fiery colored scrolls and hung them. He caught the silver and gold threads out of the corners of his eyes.
Zuko saw some small flatbread with a thin layer of paste on a plate by Ling and was relieved. Hopefully some of that bread will help settle his stomach as he meditated. The drink was, however, not a heated tea. Zuko wondered what it could be.
"Each scent and each spice is a reminder of fire and will all help to open the chakra," explained Mu-Tan.
According to the routine before, Zuko followed suit. He bowed to Mu-Tan and then to Ling. Ling offered him a small flatbread with the rice paper thin spreading of paste and a very small (almost sake cup sized) cup of liquid. He had intended to not waste the pain and suffering and gulped down the liquid. It made him cough and wheeze as it burned down into his stomach. Ling sighed at Zuko's impulsiveness and poured him a second cup. "I have to drink more of this?" asked Zuko incredulously. Ling nodded. Zuko took the small bit of bread and ate it. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembered this taste but could not place it. He swallowed a second small cup of fiery alcohol and ate a second bit of bread. Then it hit him. His sister had given him something similar while giggling all the while. Wasabe! The burning hit him a moment later along with the realization. He swallowed down the last of the cups of liquid before realizing it was likewise fiery. It made his head swim a little. He stood. He had never ingested strong alcohol before. It was generally not wise with firebenders to get drunk, especially with their tempers. He carefully walked upstairs. His stomach wanted to rebel. He tried hard to ignore it as he undressed and prepared for the rite.
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Travahar came in with Faelin. As before, he headed downstairs to stretch, practice, and meditate. His curiosity nagged at him. Maybe… just maybe I could manage to eavesdrop or peak in a little without notice.
Faelin knelt before Ling and took a few moments to breathe and relax. She could already sense the fiery nature in the substances before him. She hated wasabe, truly. She sipped the alcoholic brew more carefully and more warily than Zuko, though she only had one small cup. Ling whispered to her with a smirk, "I gave him three." She threw her arms in the air with exasperation. Was the man insane?! Zuko was no earthbender who could hold liquor. Her expression went from exasperation to frustration and ended with her slapping Ling soundly and hurrying up the stairs.
Zuko was meditating when she appeared at the door. Judging by the slight waver, she was unsure he would be in any condition to do this rite. His inhibitions were certainly lowered as he smiled openly at her. She was careful to keep her distance as he rose and followed her down the stairs. She took her place and shifted her focus to his energy as he sat almost gingerly on the cushion. Mu-Tan frowned and looked as Ling who almost could not contain his smirking.
Mu-Tan decided to begin this rite a bit differently. "This is the rite of the stomach chakra where our self-control can be found. Within the bowels of this," and he lit an incense stick he chose from a box on the shrine and walked about the room. "Within the bowels of this lies our shame which roils and moves to rise and block us." He spoke slowly and moved in slow swirling patterns.
The scent was heavy in the air. The movement blurred in Zuko's vision. The notion of roiling in the stomach, well… that was too much. His stomach muscles suddenly seized and he lurched quickly into the changing room. He barely made it. He dropped to his hands and knees on the floor by a bucket and vomited. He vomited several more times till his arms were shaking and might not hold him up. He had gone from feeling hot to being clammy and cold. The alcohol was finally out of him, along with everything else that burned terribly in his stomach.
Faelin was furious. Mu-Tan was too. Ling didn't know firebenders so well. This was not an amusing prank and wasted very precious time. Ling apologized profusely and quickly started brewing something to help settle Zuko's violent reactions. Faelin carried it into the changing room where she soaked a cloth and damped away Zuko's sweat. She brought the cup to his lips and he pushed it away not wanted to go through this more. She gently brought it back to his lips and he sipped. It was chalky and minty. She cradled him in her arms a moment and then as her tattoos glowed a little, she called some balance back into Zuko's body.
"I'm ok," he muttered with embarrassment. "Let's get this over with."
She led him out and back to Ling. She wished she could say something to him. Especially now. But that bolt in her tongue was a solid reminder.
Zuko looked warily at Ling, golden eyes flashing a little. Ling apologized again, this time to Zuko. He offered the same bread with the wasabe. Zuko was ready for it this time. The cup of liquid, fiery liquor he refused. "There is enough burning going on in my stomach." Then he sat on the cushion. Mu-Tan showed him the proper posture for it. It was remarkably comfortable. He noted that he would want one for meditations when he got home.
After a few moments of simple meditation there, Mu-Tan told Zuko to light the candles. That was an easy task for a firebender. For Zuko, it took only a gentle sweep of his hand and the tea lights on the small table and under the oil burner were lit. Their flames grew a little and lessened as he inhaled and exhaled. It set the rhythm for the room. Now settled, they were ready to begin again.
Travahar climbed the stairs and leaned on the top of the last stair. He peaked around the corner to see the room lit by so much fire. His eyes grew wide. The heavy scent hit him suddenly with its spiciness. What caught him the most were the tapestries and Faelin. She had honey-gold tattoos that were softly aglow like the many candles. And the tapestries… They had gold and silver threading that came to life in the candlelight, revealing images… images from Zuko's life.
Iroh entered quietly as he had received a message earlier, inviting him. He knelt quietly out of main view so as not to distract.
Mu-Tan's voice was low and resonant as he spoke similar words as the night before. It was ritual. "Are you ready to face yourself?" Zuko nodded. "Before you can bring balance to the world around you, before you can achieve your destiny, you must gain balance within yourself. Our life's experiences lend to our personal growth, but can also hinder us and create blockages. Tonight you will continue to clear out these blockages so you may open your chakras to the level you need to be at for your own personal balance… spinning the wheels of light without hindrance. The third chakra will be your stomach or solar pluxus chakra. It is located above your navel and below your heart in the soft spot just below the sternum of your ribcage. Be warned, going through this rite is an intense experience. As you unblock the wheels of light and allow the energy within you to flow, you cannot stop the process. Once you begin, you must see it through to the end. Are you ready?"
The hot and spicy scent rose from the oils in the burner. Zuko nodded his readiness. Ling stood and created a circle of salt around the interior perimeter of the dojo. Mu-tan's deep voice resonated again into the room. "This chakra deals with inner strength, power, will-power, self control and the freedom to be one's self."
Zuko felt struck by that last more than anything. At no point in his life did he ever feel like he had the true freedom to be himself. Not even now. How could he? How could anyone. They were in the middle of a war. They had a time limit until a comet came and who knew WHAT Ozai had planned, but it was not going to be good for anyone, Zuko was sure.
Mu-Tan continued, "And it is blocked by shame." Zuko winced. Shame… that was the theme of the past few days for him. "What are you ashamed of?"
What am I ashamed of? There is so much. Pictures from the history books flashed in his mind. Pictures of the villages destroyed and the people burned to death and left for the vulture-crows to peck at. The memory of his father agreeing with the senseless slaughter of the green recruits, just to lure out the Earth Kingdom army. Shame. I am ashamed of my own heritage. The atrocities that my people, my family, my father and his father before him… the atrocities they committed in the name of honor and conquest. The, dear gods, genocide… and for what? Just so he could have the avatar? A whole century of it. One hundred years of disgraceful behavior labeled honorable and victorious. Glory. There is nothing honorable in slaughtering monks and children who cannot fight. There is no honor in razing villages of women and children simply because they are there. And I did not help. I stood on the shore of a decimated Water Tribe demanding the avatar. They had one young man, practically a boy with almost no skill to fight as their only protection. How can I ever apologize for a century of this? How can I ever make amends?
Zuko hung his head with the shame as his stomach knotted.
Mu-Tan's words cut through painfully, "What are you ashamed of? What are your biggest disappointments in yourself?"
The swirling scent and the flickering firelight shifted the images in Zuko's mind.
His anger at Ty-Min and then abandoning her at ManYee's. Abandonment. Knowing Faelin was right behind him and knowing he has not really been able to see her. She was no longer left to sleep in the storage/workroom of the red lantern house. He should have tried harder. Abandonment. He abandoned her before, on the shore. The flames grew and echoed the fires of the camp as he walked through it. The children were mostly cut down or burned. Dead. Or dying. Faelin was missing. It was his fault. He abandoned them on that shore. He broke his promise to see them to safety. The little girl clinging to his hand as she died. Her lock of hair was in his little pouch as a constant reminder of his shame. Faelin would not be a slave to that red lantern house, locked by a contract, if he had not abandoned them. His stomach twisted and threatened to make him sick again. The candle flames shrank and the room grew dark. How could he ever be trusted again? How could he dare think he could be there for her now? Or for Ty-min? Or anyone…
Travahar knew he had to return downstairs. Mu-Tan was right. This was too personal. He should not have spied, but he could not look away from the living tapestries. Blue-green eyes turned his way. He glanced at Faelin feeling like he was being watched. Her frown of disapproval was plain. He winced and retreated back to the basement. I can now add this to my shames if I ever have to go through this series of rites, he thought. He wished he had not let his curiosity get the better of him.
Mu-Tan's slow voice was like a cool refreshing breeze, "These things happen. We must accept them and know that we cannot change them. You will never find balance if you let these things hold you back. Let them go and be released from these shames. Know that they happened and you will move on. What is done is done and cannot be undone. What you can do is to not repeat past mistakes."
Iroh sank quietly into a kneeling meditation pose.
Zuko fiddled with the small pouch to remove the lock of hair from it. He held it in his fist. "If I let it go, how will I remember to never repeat this mistake?"
"You are a man, who has learned much from the mistakes of your youth and the mistakes of your family. You are a prince of the Fire Nation. It is time to let go of the past and accept who you are. You are a responsible man, an honorable man, and one day will be a fine leader. Don't let past mistakes hold you back from this, from who you are inside," advised Mu-Tan.
Zuko frowned. The nausea was still there. As he opened his hand, he called up a flame to burn the bit of hair to ash. He took in a deep breath. As he exhaled he blew the ashes from his hand. He fisted his hand again and looked up at Mu-Tan.
Mu-Tan nodded proudly. "It only takes one to begin to turn the tides of the world. There is balance in all things, sun and moon, yin and yang. The pendulum of events cannot be held in place forever. We each have our part to play in the grand scheme of things. All we have to do is accept who we are and that we can affect change. Each action and decision will affect change."
Zuko nodded his acknowledgement of this knowing it will take some time for it to completely sink in. He felt lighter. Then felt light-headed. The room spun as the nausea hit full force again. When did uncle arrive?
Iroh was by his nephew's side instantly. He helped him up and Mu-Tan indicated for them to go upstairs till things here were cleaned up. The air was cool and unspiced up in the room. Iroh could not have been more surprised by the weight that had been so heavily on his nephew's shoulders. He knew there was shame and anguish from Ozai's demands, but this was more. This was personal. He found a cool damp cloth from the kitchen and retuned to soothe his beloved nephew.
"Will I be a good leader, you think? Will I ever be able to help our people? Uncle?" Zuko sounded so sad it nearly broke Iroh's heart.
Iroh smiled warmly at his nephew. "You always were. You just have not realized it. And as I said before, you will come out of the trials of your life and be the beautiful prince I have always known you to be. Your mother would be proud, Prince Zuko." Iroh thought about Mu-Tan's words, too. The avatar was needed more than ever. The message in the note from Mu-Tan about events in the Fire Nation were dire. After Faelin and Travahar left, after the dojo was cleared and returned to its original state, Iroh helped his nephew home to the Upper Ring and to bed to rest.
