A/N: The next two chapters were hard to write because I wanted to make them believable and have the guys stay in character in the world I have created. It took me weeks of fussing over how to do this, writing and rewriting them. I hope I have done them justice and haven't disappointed you. I know there's a lot Sam wanted to know but it didn't seem right to have John tell him too much without Dean being there. Dean has to have his turn with John first. Thank you to all for continuing to read my story and your interest. Please review. NC
Chapter 53
Sam stepped out onto a back deck and looked around. There was a full moon shining down tonight bathing the landscape in shadows and light, giving it an eerie, almost mystical feel. He quickly scanned the surrounding area and zeroed in on his father who was sitting in a chair out at the edge of the yard seemingly studying the stars. He watched him for a moment, still trying to decide if he was doing the right thing or not. He knew Dean wouldn't want him to do this, but John was his father too and wanted to size him up and get a feel for him. Sam moved with the silence of a ghost and the stealth of an experienced hunter as he closed the distance between them. He stopped about four feet from John waiting for him to notice.
"Damn, you're as good as Bobby says." John said when he finally sensed being watched and turned to see Sam standing nearby. Sam had not made a sound when he approached him. "I didn't even hear you."
"I was taught by the best." Sam shrugged not moving from where he was standing as he watched his father in the moonlight. He didn't seem threatening to him, on the contrary, he seemed pretty normal.
"I take it that was by your brother. Did he also teach you those hand signals?"
"Yes, he wouldn't let me near a hunt until I was as good as he was. He was one tough teacher, but I knew it was for my own good. No one can have his back better than me. That's why we make such a good team. We know what the other's thinking."
"Wanna sit?" John asked afraid to move too fast for fear of scaring him off. This was the first real conversation he had had with Sam since Dean went missing and Sam came to him for help. He knew Sam felt uncomfortable around him and didn't need three guesses to know why. He was a stranger to his own son.
Sam shuffled back and forth for a second before finally moving to an empty chair and sitting down. He looked out across the open field toward the edge of the forest catching a slight movement before a deer stepped from the trees. It slowly scanned the area searching for any threat before taking a couple of steps forward to graze on the tender grass. Sam knew how the deer felt about moving cautiously and checking for any danger before pausing to eat. He felt as skittish as the buck sitting here beside his father.
"I noticed he used some signals I didn't know."
"He created them, our way of communicating where no one else could understand." Sam said with pride in his voice for his brother.
"Sounds like he's still really smart. He sure was when he was young. You only had to show him something once and he remembered it."
"You know he blames you for not coming back and for what happened to him." Sam stated in an even tone with no fear in his voice.
"I can't blame him, but he can't hate me as much as I hate myself. I'm going to have to carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to forgive myself." he said quietly hanging his head in shame.
"Dean never told me anything about you, only that you were dead." Sam noted. "Or at least that's what he thought."
"Guess I never gave him much reason to remember me." John replied. When Sam didn't say anything else, he spoke again. "You look so much like your mother, you have her smile."
"What was she like?" Sam asked quietly. "I don't even know what she looked like."
"Your mother...She would light up a room when she entered it." John started a smile crossing his face as he remembered his wife, Sam's mother. "She was caring, kind, strong, beautiful and she loved you boys so much. When Dean was born, we were so afraid of doing something wrong. He was so small...Then you came alone and we couldn't of been happier. You were such a good baby; Dean made it his job to take care of you. You and Dean were named after Mary's parents, Samuel and Deanna. Your Mom was the love of my life and when she died...A part of me died right along with her. I...I guess...I guess I lost it." John told him looking out at the night sky trying not to let his emotions take over. It was still hard to think about his wife and how he let her down by not taking care of their boys.
"I need to know...Did that monster...Was Dean..." Sam tried to ask but not able to put it into words his question. He didn't think it would be this hard to ask, but it was.
"As far as I could tell, no. We got there in time to stop him." John answered knowing what Sam was trying to ask but couldn't.
Sam let out the breath he didn't know he was holding and stared at his clenched hands. At least Dean didn't have to suffer through that again. What was done to him was bad enough but to be subjected to that horrific act again might have broke him so bad that even Sam wouldn't of been able to bring him back.
"You ok Sam?" John asked him softly.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Sam said shaking himself from his thoughts. "Why after all this time did you decide to find us?"
"It's a long and complicated story I hoped to tell Dean and you at the same time. That is if Dean will agree to that. Then afterwards if you want me to leave, I will, no argument. It would be your decision, not mine. I only wanna get to know you and Dean and the young men you've become, nothing more." he replied.
Sam frowned worrying his lower lip with his teeth as he thought about what John said. That answer was not what he expected, but in all honesty he wasn't sure what he expected him to say. John seemed sincere and didn't seem to be trying to hide anything from him. One thing Sam was very good at was telling when someone was lying and he didn't get that feeling with John. There were many more questions Sam wanted to ask, but decided Dean needed to be here for them. He was at least satisfied John didn't mean them any harm.
"Getting a little chilly out here, wanna head inside?" John asked him when Sam didn't act like he was going to talk anymore.
"I guess, I should check on Dean anyway." Sam said getting up from the chair and looking out across the field one more time at the deer that froze when he got up and bolted back into the woods as he turned to head back inside. Yep, know how you feel, Sam thought, but he wasn't going to run anymore. He would talk to Dean when he was a little better and see if he could sway him to at least hear their father out.
spn
The back door opened and Bobby watched Sam come inside followed by John. He looked between both of them not seeing any anger or distress on either of their faces. He didn't know what they talked about, but it didn't seem to upset either of them. He was about to say something when wails and hoarse screams echoed up the hall from the bedroom.
"Dean!" Sam cried making a dash for the bedroom with John and Bobby close behind him. Sam rushed into the room to find Dean in a full blown panic attack as he fought with an imaginary enemy. "Dean, hey man...Its ok I'm here." Sam told him getting in bed with him and grabbing his arms to stop him from lashing out. "You're ok Dean, calm down." Sam begged getting in his line of sight trying to break him out of the trance he was in. "C'mon, gotta slow your breathing down, in and out." he encouraged taking Dean's hand and putting it on his chest and placing his hand on Dean's chest. "Breath with me, in and out." Sam showed him as he took slow breaths watching Dean's wild eyes lock on his and began to copy him. "That's it bro, doing good, in and out." Sam continued in a soft voice as Dean began to calm, never taking his fearful eyes off Sam. Sam felt his breathing even out and start to match his as the panic attack subsided.
"S'my." Dean hoarse voice whispered.
"Right here Dee."
"Saw him." Dean told him a look of terror on his face as he looked past Sam for an intruder.
"There's no one here but us Dean. That bastard's dead, he won't be hurting anyone ever again." Sam assured him trying to comfort him. "You were probably having a dream is all. How 'bout some water and you settle back down?"
"St-stay?" Dean asked in a trembling voice.
"Of course." Sam replied giving him some water. "He's ok now." Sam said over his shoulder to Bobby and John. "I'll stay with him."
"Call if you need anything. I'm heading for bed." Bobby told him turning and waiting for John to leave the room first. He knew Sam could take care of his brother without their help.
"Guess I will too." John agreed. "I'm here too if you need help." he added before stepping from the room. "There's twin beds in the room I'm using."
"Fine with me." Bobby shrugged following him next door.
spn
"Here, let me untangle these blankets." Sam commented when he saw how the covers were twisted around his body. "You ok now Dee?" he asked spreading the covers back over Dean's body.
"Yeah." he mumbled watching his brother through slit lids.
"Need to go change and I'll be right back." Sam told him picking his sleep clothes up. He headed across the hall to the bathroom shutting the door most of the way but leaving it cracked so he could hear Dean. After changing clothes and brushing his teeth, he turned around and whispered, "Umm-m Castiel I'm praying for you...Hope I'm doing this..." he started and jumped when the angel appeared right beside him.
"Yes Sam?" Castiel asked looking innocently at him.
"Sh-sh not so loud." Sam hissed looking toward the door hoping no one heard him. "We have to be quite so no one else will hear."
"No one else can see or hear me unless I want them to. You're the only one who can see past my shield."
"Oh ok, not creepy at all. Can you stop Dean from having bad dreams?"
"Of course. I can shut his mind down and send him to a place he feels safe."
"Could ya do that so he can rest? It'll help him heal faster if he can get some sleep without the bad dreams sending him into panic attacks."
"I will." Castiel said disappearing from the bathroom.
Sam grunted madly and headed for the bedroom almost bowling Bobby over who was standing outside the door.
"Sorry." Sam apologized dancing around him and scooting into the bedroom.
"It's ok." Bobby replied looking in the bathroom and back at Sam wondering who he was talking to. He might be getting old, but his hearing was excellent and he knew Sam had been talking to someone in the bathroom and he didn't think it was himself. Something was up with that boy and he wasn't sure what it could be.
spn
Sam skidded to a stop when he saw Castiel standing by the bed with two fingers pressed against Dean's forehead for a moment before turning to him.
"He should sleep until morning with no dreams of his abduction."
"Thank you."
"I am pleased to help. Do you need assistance too?" he asked stepping toward him.
"No, no I'm good." Sam said backing up slightly away from him with his hands up to stop him.
"I will leave now then." Castiel stated vanishing before Sam could say anything else.
"Never gonna get use to that." he mumbled to himself getting in bed beside his brother. He felt his brother's forehead and arm being sure he was warm enough before settling down next to him. He really needed to do some research on angels, Sam thought as he lay there letting his mind shut down so he could relax and sleep. He felt Dean shift closer and moved his hand to lay it on Dean's arm feeling the need for the contact to assure him Dean was ok and for Dean to know he was there. He could hear the soft sounds of Dean's slow breathing letting him know he was sleeping peacefully now.
