RECIPROCATED LOVE

CHAPTER 49

TALKING TIME


Long, long chapter again but not as long as next.


She fought to take him off of her.

"You stupid thing! Let go!" She pushed him again but the guy seemed to have grown tentacles. His hands were everywhere. His drunken breathe made her feel sick. She took both of his hands and stepped back to get free when she felt another hand touching her shoulder and a strange presence behind her.

Damn. All her blood went to her feet. Wasn't this just a fucking party? She exhaled, masking her fears. Her instincts took over. Her hands become fists. She was going to get out of here even if...

"Is he bothering you, Helga?"

Relieve showered over her. She retracted into him but almost immediately regretted it.

Why it has to be him? She wanted to owe him nothing.

"Are you with him?" The idiot asked. He was so disgusting. She retracted, looking at him, pretty conscious of her chest getting cold as she forced her breathing to lessen.

Then nodded.

"I knew it!" he spat out to the ground. The hand in her shoulder tightened "Why you guys are always the first at picking?"

There it was again. That thing with 'the girls...'

"I guess it's because we can afford it" James said with his most pompous voice. He attracted her to him while the idiot threw them a nasty look and cursed under his breathe.

Helga knew she should feel insulted by their acting but she didn't feel in the mood to discuss anymore. She had had enough. She turned around as soon as the lightweight went.

"Wait..."

She ignored him. He always knew! What a false! How could she be so blind? So idiot?!

Coming here was a stupid idea from the beginning. What was there that needed to be sorted out? They were through. What was the point of explaining her excuses and listening his insults. If he wanted to talk it would be under her...

"What the hell...!" she cursed aloud when he pushed her roughly "What do you think you're...?"

"Just keep walking"

She puffed. First it was some drunken bastards. Now a violent ex boyfriend? Something inside her mind reminded her James was never violent, but then she admonished herself. If she had learned something tonight was that she didn't know him at all.

"You idiot! You're wrong if..." she intended escape from his grip but she couldn't. James pushed her harshly to get off the deck and into the gardens. She saw red then. How he dare to treat her like that "You're a fucking idiot, James!"

She heard him snickering and in an instinctive reaction, she stood in her feet, making him stumble. She took advantage of this and elbowed him in the ribs.

He bent down and she ran away but he caught her again immediately.

She cursed.

"For God' sake, girl. Just turn around!" He forced her to do it. She raised her head, ready to tell him what he could do with his damn rudeness but then she staggered when she saw him.

She took a breath and then puffed annoyed.

"Fuck!" she cursed under her breath. "There are two..."

He chortled and raised his brows, amused.

"Yeah. We are two" She realized why his voice sounded different.

"Hello Edward. Such a pleasure" she said with mocking disdain.

"The pleasure is all mine" He eyed her up and down appreciatively and then a cocky smile curved his lips. "I guess you're also waiting for James"

"I was. Now I'm off. Please tell him I couldn't wait anymore" She gave a step back

"Wait..."

"Don't touch me!" She escaped from his grip "What's wrong with you people? Leave me the hell alone!"

"George said you must stay here." His voice still held amusement. He raised his hands in front of him.

"George has no right over me" she turned around but he took her wrist again and made her turn back.

"You really think you can escape from me?" he asked, laughing.

"What are you two doing here?" A harsh voice reached them.

"James, thank God you're here" Edward didn't let go as he turned to see his brother.

Helga's body reacted at the sight of him. She cursed herself; her blood boiled with anger.

"Look what the cat drag out!" Despite her fury, it didn't went unnoticed the assassin look James threw her way, but she didn't let herself feel intimidated "That's just perfect. Maybe you shouldn't go, Eddy boy; things could turn nasty here and your brother might need a witness."

James asked again as if he hadn't listened.

"What the hell are you two doing back here?"

"There's something wrong with her, James. I found her with a bloke from Cash's campaign. He was really bothering her because she seemed she was about to beat him up. Now, she just wants to go home. I was trying to convince her to wait for you but …"

"You were trying to convince me?!" Helga scoffed "You were about to lock me in the shed!"

She took advantage of the young man slip and shoved him hard, walking free from his arms and then turning to see them both.

"I don't know what funny games you use to play around here, rich boys, but don't count on me; I'm the hell out of here." Helga passed between them and walked towards the house when James' harsh voice stopped her.

"You came here to talk and that's exactly what you're gonna do; even if I have to actually lock you away to get it, understand?"

Helga turned furiously around to find the two brothers looking at her. Their resemblance made her mind wander. They were so alike … if it weren't because Edward hair was ashy blond; but the tallness, the frame, the haircut, the flair; even their features were so similar. The younger seemed to be astonished by her belligerence and the little respect she showed to his older brother.

Helga turned to see James then; he seemed even more angry than before if that was possible and for a moment she wished to be laying in her bed -though sleepless- instead of here, in this hell of a house and with God knew which other perversions hiding under its shiny surface. After all, she'd spoken – well, written- everything she wanted to say. But then this new find regarding her father came back to her mind almost blocking out every sense.

She reciprocated James sight with the same rage.

"Let's get at it, then! But no more waiting, Mr. … Praised … Smartass..." she spoke with hostility "…because from now on I'd rather deal with the devil than with any of you" she stopped in front of her ex-fiancé "Lead the way, bucko."

James pointed to his house. Helga walked on not before giving Edward a hard stare. The guy watched her go with a bewildered expression.

"Will you be around here?" she heard James ask him then "I'd like to talk to you later."

"Well... I want to talk to you now..."

RL RL RL RL

Was everything Helga heard of Edward's response because she focused in the paved path going up behind the shed. After she walked some good fifty yards, she discerned a shadow moving ahead who resulted to be Shawn. Apparently he was keeping an eye on James' house. She smirked to herself. If only he knew the highest danger to James was standing precisely in front of him and not in the shoes of a fanatic.

"Hey Shawn!" she greeted him friendly. Shawn was always kind to her, the same as the other guys. After all, they were only workers and not a spoiled brat as those rotten politicians "I didn't get the chance to say hi to you earlier."

"Miss Pataki" Shawn greeted back kindly "It's a blessing to see you again" the man got close and walked by her side –well, a tad behind her actually- and helped her several times when her heels got stuck on the irregular surface of the path.

"Hard day, I guess?" he nodded. "Why you guys don't call me Helga anymore?" he shrugged now.

Shawn had become a regular bodyguard to James after his vacations. George himself chose him; and was probably the youngest around. He resembled somehow Gerald's brother because his presence and laid back demeanor.

"... Finally it's seems to be getting over" the man sighed deeply.

"After two in the morning any time is a good time to get it over, I think"

"Well, yeah. Today was a little of everything, but days like these use to be this way; like a forty-eight hours long day"

"I always wondered how do you deal with it?" she asked, attentive.

"You get used over time… it isn't that hard after a while. But isn't as hard to me as it is to George. If the boss doesn't sleep, George doesn't sleep either."

"Yeah, I remember that" Helga sighed when they stopped at the backyard door "It's really a hard job what you do. And having to look all set and fresh all the time…"

She stopped at the sound of steps behind them and both of them turned to see James and George getting close. She smiled apologetically to Shawn. James face was livid as he stepped ahead to open the door. Helga smiled to a visibly distraught George, who smiled back. The driving here had been uncomfortable. She had yet to greet him and then say goodbye in the proper way.

"Shall we?" he stepped aside to let her go into the hall after she nodded to the guards. "Upstairs" raising an eyebrow, she walked to the end of the room and then up the staircase. At least, he'd trash her in his comfortable studio and not right here in the hall.


'Who wanna live here anyway?'

She thought bitterly as she arrived to the second level -or it was the third? It was a split-level house, which held eight levels –no proper stories - because it was built on a slope. The first level was the garage and the stoop from where started a seven-steps staircase leading to the main entrance. Stepping into the house there was a hall; an ample and impersonal room with porcelain flooring, white ivory walls, dark grey furniture and minimalist decoration. Right now they have just entered into this room through the back entrance, which came from the garden.

At the bottom of this room there were a guest bedroom and the staircase to next level, which was again above the garage and not behind it like this. That was James' studio.

The stairs went up to next level, the main area: living room, dining room and a hidden kitchenette. That was the place where they used to hang when they were together. The next level was James' bedroom and lastly, the three upper levels had three more bedrooms, a family room and a terrace, which -so far she knew- were not used nor proper furnished.

The flooring of the upper levels was wooden and not porcelain. The walls and decorations in the main area were gray, dark blue and white. There was a large window that covered most of the rear wall and had a spectacular view to the city. The furniture was basically white with touches in different shades of gray, dark blue drapes and a blue almost black thick rug. The house' style was mainly contemporary, with open and clean spaces except for the studio, which had a more classic decoration.

She observed the countryside painting on the wall as waited for James to reach her and open the door. The chamber they were about to enter was an overly masculine room with dark carpets, ebony bookshelves covering most of the walls; a comfortable couch in one end; a corner with an huge flat screen and fluffy recliners in the other and the rightful, heavy desk in the center of the area. She sighed.

"The door is open" James' voice dragged her out of her contemplation.

She pushed the dark bronze lever and stepped into the room. The lamp over the desk provided the only light apart from the moonlight filtering through two small windows in both ends of the room. She turned around when the door closed and observed as James leaned against it.

Somewhat the quietness of this place had calmed her. Ultimately, eight years had come and gone and nothing had happened to Bob and nothing else was about to happen concerning that damn old affair with Sir Robert. The business was Bob's again, fair and square... and healthy. She knew that.

"So you were saying…?" he started.

"I wasn't talking to you last time I spoke" she cut him off.

"I see…" he smirked "…so what you said in front of Edward was only to… impress him?" Helga furrowed her brow "Well, you get what you wanted. The boy couldn't take his eyes off of you"

"What the hell are you talking about?" She asked, getting angry again.

"What number were you pulling on Edward? Why he felt the need to protect you?"

"It wasn't a number!"

"Who were you with?"

"I don't know. I never saw him before…"

James smiled cynically.

"Listen …"

"No, you are the one who's gonna listen! You made me come here to get over this shit. That was the plan and after waiting almost two hours -and even after everything I heard in here tonight- I'm still up, willing to talk. But I'm not losing my time with a damn lightweight …" she took an intake "What the hell!" she hissed "You damn bastard! Why you never said a damn thing? You are all a bunch of bastards! How did you dare to do something like that?"

"What are you talking about?" he asked, disconcerted.

"The stunt your dad put on Bob! That's what I'm talking about! I can't believe I just knew!" she almost shouted "I mean, just look around: look at your house, at your parents' house. Look at your life! … Why wouldn't you people take the blow? Why risk everything Bob had worked for? He's just a working class guy that had it hard. What make you people believe that your interests are over anyone else in town? What make you superiors?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" he repeated. Helga scoffed, looking down on him.

"Don't you remember?" she raised a brow.

"That you cheated on me?!" the retort was immediate and unexpected but Helga didn't recoil.

"That your father wanted Bob as scapegoat"

"What?" James shook his head as if to arrange his thoughts "Why are you talking about Bob and my father?"

"Because I need to talk about Bob and your father"

"You came here to talk about us!"

"Oh! We're gonna talk about us later, I'm not going anywhere. I already stated that's actually the reason why I'm here. But after we talk about us, we won't be in the mood to talk about anything else, so right now I wanna talk about Sir Robert…" She spat scornfully "… and my father. You know what I was said tonight? No, I suppose you don't., you poor, innocent little thing. Well, tonight I was informed that years ago, when your father insisted in partnering Bob's business, he was in fact misleading him so he couldn't see what was coming to him!" Helga stopped to breath.

"What was coming to him?" there was a look of incredulity in James' face. She wasn't going to buy it.

"What was coming to him?!" she scoffed "Discredit! Your father was actually looking for an idiot who'd cover him as the public face of a disaster; someone to take the blame for his financial problems!"

"Whose financial problems?"

"Your father's of course! He was looking for someone who'd take the fall!"

"What fall?"

"Of course the plan was perfect! How was poor Bob going to realize something fishy was around? Blind as he was by those beautiful people wanting to befriend him. How indeed, with the help of his drunk wife?! With Olga who supposedly should be as blind as him, stunned by you? Little you all knew poor Olga was being blackmailed by a jealous boyfriend who had threatened with kill her and himself if she dumped him. How could she even look twice your way? That's why you then came all over to me then, right? To get me off the game too. How could I've been so blind? What was a yuppie like you spending time -and having fun- with a stupid teenager like me?"

There was a cynical smirk in his face that made her feel sick. She wanted to disappear; she wanted that nothing of this were happening.

She turned to throw her purse over the couch and cover her ears, and started chanting a silly song when he started to talk.

What was he about to say? Justify his father actions? Brag about them? His owns? Mock their insignificance?

"… Stop being so infantile and listen to me! Now!" Helga turned around after heard him cursing loudly "Did you even listen, Helga? Robert Brighton-Lewis is sickening rich; so rich that he could spend a million dollar every single day for as long as his life and not even then he'd be poor. For any means he'd ever needed to bring someone to discredit –not even in the case of bankrupt because -believe me- there's no possibility of a bankrupt." James spoke heatedly "And if for some bizarre reason it came, the whole system should come to his help. That's how this works. Brighton-Lewis is more a firm than a family!" he scoffed haughtily "Are you even able to understand it?"

She blinked twice, befuddled. His anger and disdainful pose turned her on. She was a basket case. It wasn't his money or his power... it was his lordliness and his drive. She shook her head to get her mind free of impure thoughts.

"Why he needed to partner my father, then?" she asked cautiously after a while, still cursing her wandering mind.

Maybe Judy lied, after all... but why?

James shrugged, still annoyed.

"I guess he was looking for a way to -I don't know- diversify his investments… color his tax returns… to not to give the impression that he just keep things running the same old way and to be seen instead as a … an entrepreneur." He shrugged again, speaking tiredly "He invested in five other companies at that time –a fast food chain, a real estate company... I don't remember the others... in all of them he was there just as investor; with Bob he kind of bought the franchise. He even let it die on purpose to show that he also faced loss."

"See? That could have damage Bob!"

"In what way? It wasn't his money what was in stake"

"But it was his name…"

"Bob wasn't in charge of anything. It was all in the papers. He was never in danger"

"Why he did that?" he was about to speak when she went on "I know you just say it, but why, why right then?"

He raised a brow.

"Asset declaration. Nothing else."

"Why should I believe you?"

"Believe what you want… but … Did you ever see Bob in trouble?"

She turned to the window and walked the distance trying to evoke Bob's acting at the time. After the supposed break up between Olga and James and Olga's forced departure to Vermont, her father had taken the family away to vacation. Helga had even lost the first week in school because of that. Bob didn't seem concerned about his own business as much as he seemed for the family being united, which was peculiar. That was all. After their return, Bob started to show interest in her wanderings.

She turned to see James; he was still leaned against the door, his face illuminated by the moonlight reflected in a crystal vase.

"So you're richer that Rhonda's parents?"

He flashed a wry smile.

"That's my father; not me. I think the Lloyds speculate in the market stock."

"And Sir Robert?" now she didn't mock the name and James realized it.

"The holding includes an amount of companies: oil companies here and in Europe, banks, construction, industrial engineering, arms industry, maritime transportation, aviation, agriculture…. The rest of the assets are in trusts. It isn't managed by my father but by a Board. Still, my father is the President. He still can kind of play in there but don't take the big decisions."

"Will you be there someday?" she asked in a mumble "I mean, in the Board"

"If I survive my father…" his voice was arid.

"Do you like the prospect?" hers was soft.

He took his time to answer.

"Even if I disliked, there's nothing I can do" now, he was biting. "It's like nobility, like a realm. There's only one king and one crown prince. There are a lot of obligations and responsibilities involved. That was actually the reason why I was stuck here eight years ago."

"A crown prince then, huh?"

James smirked at her musing aloud. Shit!

Shit, shit, shit, SHIT!

"Is from there where the dusty old name comes, you know? Once upon a time, …- I know how much you enjoy old tales-" he added with sarcasm "…a time about the dawns of this nation, that there was just one last Brighton- an orphaned girl, -wealthy as no one else- but very young, so the folklore says; and a last Lewis, a young widower –also rich but not her level. Well, without considerations to their romantic story, they married and came to America where they -as others of their kind- find a virgin territory to start whatever business they wanted. The local regime helped them in every possible way, because they realized they needed of those people to lay on them the foundation, the initial injection of capitals needed to blastoff the economy in this new world. Of course, there were not only them, but hundreds of visionaries –with money or ideas- who helped its fast growth; they were amongst the ones that made America strong in the beginnings."

Helga listened attentively his tale.

"So it wasn't a vacuous ancestor of you with a wicked taste for irritating his counselor?"

James smirk turned acrid.

"No. Neither had they chosen from the prettiest names amongst the newly arrived to the clan. The name has been the same for over two hundred years." James fixed his dark sight on her "Nowadays by the other side, we all know how cool is to go through life collecting names, don't we, Helga Pataki-… will it be -Small?"

"What?"

"Your future name; the name you'll acquire when you marry the love of your life!" James hadn't yelled but the coldness and despise in his voice froze the air in the room.

"Shortman" Helga spoke in a whisper and breathed with difficulty as if she had just received a bucket of icy water.

And then the weight of all what had happened this last summer fell over her again, heavier this time. She turned around and walked to the window, knowing that the time to speak was finally here. The time to speak out and to take what was coming. What was coming and deserved.

'And everything for what?' She asked to herself finding hard to breathe. To follow a dream, a stupid dream that took away eighteen years of her life; a dream that meant nothing anymore; nothing, nothing at all. A dream that became a mistake…

Well, a mistake without which she'd never grew up, that has to be honored. She wouldn't be able to leave behind her immaturity and finally move on. Otherwise, she would be forever this annoyed girl who thought that life had been unfair to her, who thought that had every reason in world to be abrasive, pessimistic and mean and who never would come to appreciate her actual, good life.

No, she had to accept things the way they were. In fact, she had accepted that things were the way they were already. She had lost James. -He was lost, lost, painfully lost forever! It was incredibly painful to recall the warmness of being in his arms knowing it wouldn't be anymore-. Helga blinked, bracing her body to contain her shivering. 'I was so stupid!' She'd never got to appreciate him. She wasn't ready for him back then and now it was late. There was no point in thinking about the spilled milk anymore. That was what life brought; that was an experience for the rest of her life; part of an education, as Miriam had wisely said.

"Making plans for the wedding, I guess" James' voice gave her the shivers.

The blonde girl straightened. She let go the gauze drapery of the window and turned around sighing, ready to face her fate. James wasn't by the door anymore, but by a bookshelf, over the other side of the room, leaned against it and holding a glass of whiskey. It was the darker part of the room and she couldn't make out his expression, but it was certain that he was looking at her.

Despite the fact that he was barely visible, his presence cast the coldness that chilled the room, disregarding that it was actually summer. Helga sighed again knowing that nothing would make the stress disappear and her muscles to relax. His tall figure, still dressed in an expensive designer suit -even when it was far after midnight- fascinated and hurt her at the same time. There he was: tall and handsome; elegant, intelligent, gentle, appealing, sexy, rich, for God's sake! Filthy rich!

She cursed herself. She was such an idiot, such dimwit, a geek-bait, a damn loser, a fucking asshole! Every mocking-name she had threw to people over the years came short compared to the size of her own stupidity. He had wanted her, had asked for her hand and had accepted her conditioned yes. Who cared what his reasons were? Of course it has a point to cry for the spilled milk! Even to beg for forgiveness! It also had a point regretting for never ever came to appreciate him in his real worth. To her, he had been a distraction for the summer; a good entertainment to spend the time while she waited for 'her true love' to realize he'd been a fool and finally declared endless love to her. Now all that sounded incredibly stupid, even childish.

What had happened over this summer? All her previous purposes in life and her resolutions for future had changed immensely; they didn't exist anymore. She couldn't believe there would be a day when Arnold's name meant nothing to her; that his presence would bring noting more than guiltiness and annoyance.

How could she be so blind to her changing feelings? She, who was always musing aloud her thoughts, over analyzing every situation and experience … well, the stupid had been her crazy mind, because her heart and body had felt otherwise. As usual, she didn't listened to them, she was so accustomed to obey the dictates of her head and to control her body reactions that failed to see what was mutating inside her.

She observed him as he carried the glass to his lips and took a sip of his drink. It was the second glass she had seen him drinking tonight; one earlier and this one here. He had never drunk that much in her presence. For a fleeting moment, she wondered if he'd be drinking because of her, but she knew better than that to fool herself. To him, she was past now, he had made it clear. He was here just because he was about end everything and close this chapter of his life. No more Helga G. Pataki around … nevertheless … she couldn't help but wonder …

How he would taste?

Would the fermented malt alter his natural spice?

Would alter his scent?

Would it make him more addictive, more luscious, more intense... more audacious?

Would it make him lose his self-control?

Would he force himself … on her?

Would he let her rejoice in his arms, in his aroma, in his virility again?

Oh, treacherous, treacherous mind! Give some peace!

Give some constraint... to not to dream about what cannot be anymore,

About what never was, about what you rejected,

About a pleasure that will never be mine!'

Helga shook her head, refusing to submerge in the pond of defeatism at this very moment. There would be plenty of time for that on the days ahead. She even envisioned herself getting buried in another bunch of little books –olive green this time- filled with poetry. Her head was already bubbling over with words; her hand had been writing sad poetry everywhere.

She left her place in front of the window and walked towards another shelf that held trimmings and old books, she fingered its spines. There will be time to remember and mourn over his lost caresses. There will be time to get jealous, atrociously jealous. About who would be embraced by his arms; about who would be kissed by his lips; about who would lay on his back; about whom will he pervade his essence now on… at least she was happy to know it wouldn't be Miss Emma Win…

"I'm still waiting." his voice now sounded bored. Helga walked leisurely towards the couch and sit down there, not facing him. She tried to arrange her thoughts before start speaking.

"You know…?" Helga cleared her throat before continue "I really write down in that letter most of the things I wanted to say. I know … sorry I used your personal bodyguard but… it has to be him… because the ring. I know how you trust on him even your life and… since I'm going back to Boston in a few days I thought it was inappropriate either leaving it here or to go carrying it around…"

"For a moment I thought you gonna talk about Arnold..." Helga looked up, startled "…and your plans for the future. I must confess that I'm surprised to not to found you overexcited at your accomplishment, though. It's really touching even when it came …" he shrugged "…kind of late. I always thought you'll get him sooner."

She turned to see him with her brow furrowed. She knew he would make her pay someway but this sarcasm just seemed odd.

"I'm not seeing Arnold." Helga thought it was unnecessary to say more; she was sure it was clear in the letter.

"Really?" he raised his brows and curved his lips with obvious skepticism. "Why? Were you two waiting for this proper end to start things as it should be?" he scoffed. "Too late for that, don't you think? I mean, since you couldn't wait to show physically your affection!"

"Come on, James. Let's be civi…"

"Damn it, Helga! You cheated on me, ON ME!" Helga flinched at the sound of crystal breaking by the door and stood immediately heading for the other side of the room "What a balls! How do you want me acting? Did you expect find me jumping up and down for joy?"

"I'm sorry…"

"I'm sorry?" he scoffed bitterly "Really! … Don't you have anything else to say?" Helga flinched and looked for her purse "Don't you dare to flee now." he hissed "What kind of person you'd become? You used to be braver when you were younger. Look at you now, running away from problems."

"I'm not running away" she breathed several times to pacify herself "I …I contacted you, didn't I? I'm here; I knew things ought to be fixed. I told you the truth in first place… and right now I'm just asking you –earnestly- to take it easy – please."

She heard him contain his breath for a time that seemed eternal and then, moving to the door to pick up the crystal shards and put them over a table.

"Did you ever tried to hide your betrayal?" she shook her head "Really?"

"No, I didn't. I would never be able to pretend…"

"Why are you pretending now that there is nothing between you two?" his voice was scornful "You just said your name will be Shortman"

"I only told you his name. I'm not pretending. Arnold and I –just don't exist, we…."

"Don't tell me the bastard only used you. You told me he confessed to you."

"He did."

"Why aren't you together, then? Are you making him suffering now -for the long waiting?"

Helga shook her head

"It was a mistake…"

"He's everything you always wanted"

"Not anymore."

"I can't get you… I thought you'd be exultant. Are you two giving it time, then?" She denied it again, getting tired of how stubbornly he refused to listen. "The others know what happened?"

"No. Of course I haven't said a thing to anybody, though Phoebe guessed it" she bit her lip "I'm sure Arnold hasn't talked either. I'd guess Gerald might know. But other than them, no one else knows"

"How could you be so sure?"

"Arnold promised he wouldn't speak. I saw Gerald tonight. He … he drove me home earlier, from the club… well, in fact, he was with me when I went to the Waldorf to address you the letter. I'd decided not going back and he offered me a ride. Well, I know for sure he wouldn't say a thing; he's a discreet guy. He knows -of course- that we are not together anymore; he also knows Arnold has been practically stalking me lately. He said he knew Arnold had been into me for years now, and doesn't understand the reason why I'm still rejecting him… because – supposedly- he also knows that I had 'the biggest crush' on him. He says I'm a good actress because I never showed the smallest sign."

"Did Gerald make a move on you?

"What?" she asked astonished, raising her sight to look at him "Why he'd do that?"

"Did he?"

Helga vacillated remembering a weird moment, an awkward hug, but shook her head.

"N… no, he didn't."

James smirked, watching her inquisitively for a long while.

"Why he would do that?" she repeated.

He continued observing her quietly until she felt uncomfortable. She had walked to another place when he finally spoke.

"For being such smart girl Helga, sometimes you're really dumb. That suspicion of yours … I wonder how deep is still affecting you the lack of care from your parents."

"What do you mean?"

James shook his head in disbelieve again.

"I'm about to open your eyes to the way your friends actually see you. I don't know why I care but still … In your little mind, you're still the bully that torment them and whom they fear, and also … I don't know …some kind of friend… to certain extent…" she observed the way his smirking lips barely moved when he spoke "But they all know you by now, Helga, the real you. And they don't fear you as much as they like -or maybe even- love you …" he made a pause "…in some cases, as for instance Gerald, I daresay he's in love with you."

"You're out of you mind." Helga scoffed no believing what he was saying but realizing –by his words and demeanor- that undeniably he didn't see her as his girlfriend anymore –not that she held still hopes- she sighed- as if he was trying to send her right to Gerald's arms. This detail left her breathless… and sad. But what did she expect? …

And what was more…. What was in his mind? She perceived herself as a good observer but as he's said, she was just plainly dumb. She realized that she, Helga G. Pataki didn't know her ex- fiancé at all. He was smirking to himself as he returned to the place he had been before. His long fingers touched the big red label of an imported whisky but didn't open it.

"Don't you think you have had enough?"

A low and sour laugh filled the room.

"Now turns out that you care" he turned to see her. "I see you're already making plans in that mind of yours"

"What plans?"

"About what I said regarding Gerald"

"You're absolutely mistaken about that. Gerald and I barely tolerated each other for years. We are now in friendly terms only because he's very aware that he lives in my house."

James clicked his tongue and raised his brows.

"I remember that's no point discussing with you a matter that hasn't reached your mind yet." he said after leaving the bottle alone "Let's talk about you nonexistent relation with Arnold then. For what you said, I deduce that Arnold is ready to start something but you just said you're not, is that it?" she nodded "Had he ... I don't know, asking you out?" she nodded again "Why you are not all for it?"

"I told you already. I don't want it anymore. There's no point…." She took an intake "Look … I know you already read that letter, but it'd be good to say it face to face that … I …"

"You told me in that letter only what you wanted to say! You really didn't expect me believing everything you wrote down there, did you?"

"It's all true!"

"Come on, Helga" he stomped towards his desk, where he opened a drawer and drew out the letter, throwing it her way "You just made up a silly story about my father only to avoid this talk!"

"I didn't make it up. How you dare to even suggest it? I was told so this very night; and not only that but…"

"Who told you?" he asked derisively "Your new friend form Cash's campaign?" He spat with abhorrence "You're really fast, girl!"

Helga almost squirmed remembering the insufferable guy and James supposition. She spluttered when start to talk.

"Don't even mention that idiot!" she cried out "It wasn't him. He …" she felt the bile bittering her throat "He took me for a-" she take in a breath and closed her eyes "for an escort! The dumbass said and I quote "How did you escape from the high-ups?" she exhaled loudly looking at him in the eye "I didn't even know you use to have escorts."

James cursed.

"Who was that bloke?" he asked through tight teeth.

"I don't know. I haven't realized he was around until he clutched my arm and was telling me off about something better that I should be doing when your brother came. If weren't by Edward I think I had smack him right there. He even dared to say 'I knew it' when I confirmed that I was with him."

"That you were with Edward?" James asked in the same fashion.

"I thought it was you. I didn't see him coming, just heard his voice. I had Bob's stuff in my head. Don't blame me; it's not my fault that you two look very much alike."

"Do you think we look alike?" the coldness hadn't left his voice.

"What is it? Why are you repeating everything I say? Yes, you do. Now I understand why your mom said she used the same cookie tin."

He observed her for a moment before going on.

"What did Edward say?"

"He asked me if the guy was bothering me, but the bloke just walked off after throwing us a nasty look. Then I left him behind because -still believing it was you- I wasn't really angry with you. Edward followed me and I turned to face him when you found us. When I realized it wasn't you I decided to go home. It was just too much"

"Does Edward know that asshole?"

"I think he does, though I don't remember him saying his name. You said Edward works at …?"

"I'll ask him later." he then vacillated, then his voice changed "Look, Helga, regarding that thing with the girls …"

"You know what? I don't care!" Helga said angrily "I just wanna let you know that it was Judy who said the thing about dad and the store. I didn't make it up. I had been talking to Andrea when she excused herself and suddenly Judy was by my side. I almost didn't recognize her because she was extremely kind –completely different from the other times I've seen her, actually- the fact … well the… what she …" Helga stopped. She couldn't bring herself to repeat what Judy had so-calmly said. She had no idea how the girl had endured that much.

"What did she said" Helga rounded the couch and once standing behind it, she spoke.

"She…" she inhaled "She said… she thanked me for having taken care of you throughout the summer –'entertaining you' were her precise words-. She also thanked me for not taking seriously your proposal. She said she'd never guessed you would take so far her rejection and … and … she told me about how you were always concerned about us –meaning Olga and me- because of your father ill acting and my father gullibility. And about your stupid nobility by trying to make up for that … by proposing to me"

"Judy said that?!"

"I guess you never told her about our … little thing … back then, huh?"

"Helga … –that's a fucking lie. The whole thing is a big, fat, fucking lie. I can't believe Judy dared... I don't even know how she knows…" he shook his head "Did you tell something to her?" Helga shook her head, attentive because he seemed really angry "She's been acting weird lately. In fact I didn't know she was still around. She had dismissed for the night…. But this is really a big deal. I don't know how she intended to get out of this… I tell you for sure that I'll take action …"

"Look, James…" Helga looked at him with seriousness "You don't have to explain. We'll say goodbye after tonight and I really don't want to go my way with all that crap in my head. Maybe it's selfish but it'd be hard enough without all this mess. Everything is jumbled and I'm really tired of thinking and thinking about everything… I mean …your reasons to propose and want to marry me … I…" she shook her head "Don't say it's because my looks because seriously…"she smiled sadly "I'm not that fool. You even knew the ugly child I was. This world is full of blue eyed blonds and I'm sure most of them are cute and kind and …"she trailed off, adding in a whisper "… faithful. Everything I'll never be."

"Listen…"

"James… Let me finish once and for all." She blinked and turned around, walking slowly towards the window again; her heels clicked once she left the carpeted area and stepped on the porcelain floor. She heard James muffled steps over the carpet and for a moment she tensed up thinking he'd follow her, but the clinking of crystal make her know he was on the opposite side of the room, probably looking for another glass to fill and to be far enough from her as he'd been since they met hours earlier.

She took the drape aside to observe the yard, well, the portion of yard that could be seen from the first floor. The moonlight illuminated the few flowering shrubs and the stretch of grass that ran up to the highest part of the land. She wished she could open the window and perceiving the warm and perfumed air from outside because she was freezing in here and because she knew it'd be the last time she'd ever see this beautiful garden.

After a moment she finally went on.

"I… All what I wrote down there is actual true. I really intended to make – no- to let you know about some background to maybe, just maybe, get you to think a little less bad of me. As I wrote down there I don't want you to hold eternally a grudge against me. You don't deserve to bear that and I think I'm not that a bad person" she paused because her voice had become small. She hid her face from him because she needed to wipe her eyes and didn't want to be seen.

"I wouldn't want –ever- to be a cheater. I always despised cheaters and never thought I'd be the cheapest of them. I never wanted to hurt you –in any way. I deeply regret that." she sighed "You knew the way I felt about Arnold. I felt that way for years; hundreds, thousands ruthless, relentless days. That feeling marked me, shaped me out, made me became who I am now. It hurt seeing him ignoring me. I died a bit when he started to date; I fell sick in bed when he started …having sex; and still then I felt that I was alive only because of that feeling and I was grateful for it. When I went out with somebody else, I always knew it wouldn't last because in my mind only Arnold was what I wanted. -What would he think if he knew? Would he be jealous? - I can't believe now how pathetic I was, what a beggar; what a shame for a Pataki …

"Nevertheless, to me it was always him, only him. Now I accept that it wasn't normal; I surely had a serious condition because such fixation was not healthy. Of course, regarding my own sexuality, my awakening …it has to be him. Noting would ever change that. I don't know how such idea got implanted in my mind, well, actually I know, considering how crazy I was about the boy; but how the idea actually became a landmark in my mind? I never passed of certain point with any guy; I just couldn't -not even trying. There was a barrier in my mind that now I think it maybe has anything to do with Arnold...

Well, I ended leaving all that behind…. Before you, I hadn't actually dated in years … well I went out with some guys but it never went beyond some kissing…stuff. With you… we never went beyond that point either. With you I was up to, though, as you should remember –I was kind of mortified of what you'd think of me for being still a virgin- but I never got to know if I would be able to … get to the end. I think I'd do… You know I was kind of stiff at the beginning, so when you started... making us stop…well … you were there…"

"Was it actually your first time?"

She took an intake before nod. There was a strange tinge in his voice that made the hair of her nape bristle "Were you virgin, then?" Helga lowered her head feeling ashamed

There was a long paused where Helga could feel her nape burning under his gaze. Only God knew what he was thinking. Helga's lips became a thin line as she dealt with the lump that blocked her throat. Then bent down because couldn't resist to be scrutinized that intensely and even crouched down when her knees began to tremble. "Did you like it?" James' voice was harsh and low. She didn't answer, just remained crouched, her mandible tense. "Was he kind? Did he do justice to your dreams?" Helga closed her eyes. She recognized her bad acting but … did she deserve this?

Yes, she deserved it. If she were in his position, she knew she would be even more hostile. She fought to contain her sobs, then adding the lump in her throat, forced her to finally gasp for air. An eternity had passed before he spoke again.

"I'd never guessed that" his voice was hoarse "When I stopped seeing you I was sure you'd become one of those … forward... girls. You were way too brazen for your own good" he clicked his tongue. "I guess looks can be deceiving."

"I regretted it" she mumbled "I regretted it even before it ended" a sob finally escaped. She needed to say it aloud. "It was … it was as always before, you know; it shouldn't have gone beyond that point- but it was illogical - it should be right, I mean, it was Arnold after all, right? It should be right, not awkward…" she spoke still whispering; she finally stood and walked slowly along the wall.

"I… the next morning I woke up with the strange knowledge that everything had changed; as the aftermath of a disaster. As if the world… as if the bubble that enclosed my world had burst out and only ruins remained. I knew my actions were wrong, I knew I'd caused the tragedy, but my mind was strangely calmed at the sight of the disaster. Well, no properly calmed. I knew there was a storm out there still waiting for me; but regarding Arnold, his name or existence meant nothing to me anymore, nothing at all; as if I have been emptied of him, as if he has been washed out of me. His presence wasn't comforting anymore, but undesirable -because... recalled my failure- and kind of hatred because … well, it was as if the weight of his selfish acting throughout the years finally fell onto me, making me became conscious of the magnitude of my stubbornness and my obsession. But mainly, the principal thing coming out from the wreckage –the storm that was still outside -was the irreparable fact that I failed to you; that I cheated on you. That I overlooked what we had and that I put an end to us…

"I couldn't bring myself to answer you that day or the next. I didn't want to imagine your reaction once you knew it. I assure you that not even for a moment I intended to hide it from you. I'd have no peace and I could never act normal in front of you again...

"Arnold came the next day. I don't know what he was thinking, I'm sure I didn't make a promise, but he came as if we were into something. All I remember is having seen him so … insignificant, so little thing. I asked him to go away; I didn't want to see him or hear or talk about that; it was a mistake; period. He insisted, saying that he was there for me now, that he was ready. He kept coming up for days, declaring endless love, claiming that he always know about me being in love with him and that he'd felt the same way for years and was only waiting for me to man up and confess to him again…

"Can you believe it? The idiot wanted me to recognize before him my love. What did that mean? That it would be the only way I'd deserve his love? The bastard! He never needed a confession form anyone else before start something! I don't know what kind of love he felt if it was that conditioned! And that … 'he always knew' … That meant that he saw me all those times grieving for him, every time he had a new girlfriend –for so long, for years - and did nothing? I don't know if people think I'm being vengeful but he doesn't deserve I waste one more second of my life on him" She paused to breathe deeply several times before continuing.

"I avoided him lately, but I finally talked to him days ago. With both -you and him- out of my life, I had time to make up my mind and come to a decision. I would be a fool if I still harbored hope regarding our thing. You hadn't picked any of my calls and that was all the evidence I needed; still I had to contact you somehow to end things well. It has to be done…

"And I needed to be level with him as well; not because of him but because of me. I needed that closure. So I was forthright, I told him flatly that I didn't love him anymore; I didn't feel the obligation to defend it because it just … pop, and it was gone. The old Helga surely had forgiven everything: his stupid idea about he'd only took me if I confessed first; the fact that he disregarded my feelings -and supposedly his own- to a second place when getting any other girl seemed more important; the fact that he ignored my silent misery for years; everything… I'd have forgiven everything if I still loved him, -which is pathetic and sick by itself in an unbearable way- but the truth was that the love was gone, it was past. What I wished for years was finally there now: I didn't love him anymore. Not a little bit; nada; nichts.

She sighed deeply wanting to confess everything to finally to be ready to move on

"But I also know he's not culprit of my obsessions."

She went on, feeling more at ease

"I know you probably think all this stuff had nothing to do with you, so I say sorry again for bringing it up. I know it's uncomfortable for you. But, you know? I didn't actually write down there all I wanted you to know. I appreciate you let me express here because … the reality is that you are indeed involved here; you've been here all along. You were here when the foundation of this fall started. I failed to recognize it then, but I'm very aware now. I always thought I knew myself too fucking well to pass over such a big issue but, boy I was wrong! I guess it had been that way for so long and had been repeated and repeated endlessly that I failed to realize when it wasn't there anymore. Or maybe I realized but I couldn't discern it until it was late…

"I'm so angry to myself for all the time lost loving a boy who didn't worth it, but somehow love seems to end always that way to me. Did I tell you that I confess to him for first time when I was ten? The only thing I wanted was to know if he felt the same way; if he loved me back. You knew about my long struggling to catch my parents' attention … love… when I was a child. Well, it never worked. Miriam showed me her motherly love several times, but she was never permanently there for me. I just caught her attention for short periods, which was great but there were times when I really needed her and she wasn't there for me and even after I called vigorously her attention she didn't care; she forgot or was passed out or had more important things to do...

"Bob started to care for me in a bizarre way around middle school; he picked me up from wherever I was around town every night; he wanted to make sure that I had always a phone at hand, some money, that had had dinner and he had his job done. Though, I have to recognize that he always wanted to know if I was fooling around … with boys, you know; and in keep me safely away from them. Around that time, he –not Miriam- gave me The Talk… A year later he dragged me to help him in the store and I think things started to get better after that because, even when he was never affectionate, he at least listened to me –ideas for the store, random talking about family or school, plans, friends –he finally learned Phoebe's name- … well …" she shrugged "… the thing is that all my childhood and youth what I really wanted was to know that they loved me, admired me or at least they liked me despite I'd never excelled or never be as accomplished as Olga. Phoebe was the only one, always unconditionally there for me… and you … but you were just a surreal memory …

"I was always aware of my unworthiness; about my ugliness … I never received a second glance or flirtatious remarks from boys until the day I burned in their little minds that I was a girl that could tempt them faster than any of the sweet girls they used to like. But what was the point? Why does love has to play so hard to catch? Why I have to risk my name, to adventure my heart to be worthy? Why I have to expose all of myself? … Olga just has to be born to be loved; Phoebe's parents love and overprotect her; Rhonda...

'Happiness is not easy; it doesn't come to you as a present' she then remembered.

"You always said that happiness was inside you … What did life do to you to think that way, James? Is because that that you were so keen to marry someone you barely knew? Am … Was I more trustful to you than love; than Judy's love?" her voice wavered.

James shifted uneasily his weight before answer somewhat menacingly.

"You better don't step in there."

"Why?" she almost shouted "You never told me why? Why did you want me? Me? I know that we used to have a good time … and that we got along very well –incredible well in fact. There was always chemistry or empathy or whatever you'd like to call it because I know you don't like that word- we … we… we were great together!" she pronounced almost breathless. His dark silhouette remained motionless. "There was always spark when we were close…" she paused "Was that it, right?" she opened her eyes at the realization "You just wanted …" she stopped, shaking her head.

"There's no point in speculating anymore" she swallowed, feeling suddenly drained "I spoiled it; wherever this was leading to, I spoiled it." she paused, turning around and walking wearily towards the couch, placing her pink purse on it, then she turned to him again, aware that he had been silent for a while and probably even more exhausted than her and realizing she should leave him alone to get some rest before the big day awaiting for him.

"Well… the point of this meeting was closing this thing down; leaving this experience behind and hoping for moving on eventually" she cleared her throat to get rid of the sadness of her voice "I've said what I wanted you to know …" she paused to say with stronger voice "I'm deeply sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I'd never be able to thank you all the good things you brought to my life and... finally ... even when I know I don't deserve it, I wish you'd eventually forgive me for ruining this… but hey!" she laughed bitterly "You'd probably end thinking 'good riddance, I couldn't have done it any better on my own' … right? … but you know …"

"Just shut up, for heaven sake!" he spat hatefully "Don't you dare to put your words in my mouth! You don't know me at all, so don't come saying you know me, my feelings and what's in my head…"

"What's in your head, then?" Helga didn't flinched "Do you really think I don't know you? Just look at you! That pretty head is full of plans, projects, schemes … you're a man with a cold head and a big job, James. You'll be alright. In fact, I assume that you're doing already fine if your success tonight is a proof. These last weeks surely helped you to realize the big and unnecessary mistake you had put yourself into. I think your immediate reaction was completely understandable. Of course, I know it had to hurt to be in that position. The fact that a silly brat had cheated on you must have been a blow hard to take -mainly to that big pride of yours- but as I assured you before, for my part the thing won't run around. I told people that you've wanted to marry and I wasn't ready yet. It's a good excuse, people take it easily and with the news of your engagement…"

"How simple, right?" he said dryly. "So everything is already settled?"

"Is there something else you want to add?"

"You just said I'm already okay, didn't you?" James didn't even try this time to keep his cool, he was frenzied, throwing his arms out frantically and his face was rabid "You've just spoken for me. What did you left for me to say, huh? Now I just have to swallow my rage, my wish for revenge, my wish to beat the face of that son of a bitch?"

"Well, I'm here now. This is the moment to say whatever you want to say" Helga didn't recoil at his belligerence.

"You're not the one I need to beat"

"Why not?" she walked towards him but stopped at good distance "I was the one who betrayed you, not Arnold; he wasn't in a relation with you. He owed you nothing"

"I can't believe you are still protecting him" he jeered.

"I'm not protecting him. I'm only making clear that I was the one who failed here. I'm the one that should receive your wrath... It's like Judy's - who took it after me when you were the one who hurt her."

"Judy has nothing to do with it. I'm not in a relationship with her, neither had been in years. She made a mistake and she's gonna pay for it ..."

"Come on, the girl's just fighting for what she consider hers! She is even working hard at your side. You're not gonna punish her for that mistake, are you?" his face contorted with disgust.

"You really can't repress that mouth, can you? You don't even know the half of it!" then exhaled exasperated, picking the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index "Judy and I were together for about a year, back in college, I mean in Yale. Do you have any idea how long ago was that?" he chuckled, shaking his head; "Exactly." Then ongoing in the same boisterous way he added "Now, I don't know why you girls held such long-lasting crushes but I cannot work that way. Whatever her feelings were, they're out of question here. She didn't expose them on time or in the proper way. Besides from the beginning it was clear she was here working; she was hired with fully awareness of that tinny fact. It was written down with bold letters in her contract, just besides loyalty.

"Now, it results that she chose to ignore those clauses." He scoffed "Well, if you aren't loyal, you're out! There's no trust anymore. She's not longer in the team and that has nothing to do with you -but –with- my- work. Is that clear?" he exhaled long "Now, regarding your lover… I don't understand your need of defending him and lately I don't care, neither I care about how you'd manage to get involved with him again but even when …"

"I'm not!"

James made an exasperated gesture with his hand to silence her.

"… I'm not gonna pursuit a revenge against him but if he ever crosses my path again, he's gonna regret it. Understand? Go to warn him if you want. Now, you -hell of a girl -listen up- and- listen well…" he made a pause that charged the air in an incredible way "You put me through a fucking hell!" he hissed "You're nobody here to even dream accomplishing something like that. I let you become close and you betrayed my trust. You made a fool of me, you Helga Pataki! The only one girl I ever thought to marry. The only girl I ever respected because I really wanted to do things properly. You were going to be the last girl I'd ever woo and I was willing to give you a right courtship; I was relishing every single step in our relationship; every goofy outing; every foolish session on the couch! Those are the answers you should've looked for and not your dirty suppositions about some physic inability or an old paralyzing guilty feeling!"

"I've never…"

"I listened to all your stupid rant, didn't I? Then allow me to end mine!" he stomped towards her a bit. In the semidarkness of the room, Helga could see his face knotted by anger and that the dark eyes held a strange glimmering "I really liked you. Despite knowing you had that emotional attachment I really liked you. I thought you were over it or at least, that you were capable of keeping it at bay in order to get something better. -Think whatever you want of my arrogance, I don't give a damn-. I know you since you were a child and I always assumed you were a smart, practical girl; but guess I was wrong seeing how you couldn't keep yourself from that crap of true love and romantic fantasies." James started to walk up and down in his spot. When he talked again his voice wasn't that angry.

"But in other hand, I'm aware that you're not responsible for the fact that I might have appeared too early in your life. You're 21 and an engagement was probably too much for you to manage. That awareness for my part does not exculpate you from the fact that you betrayed me; nor that fucking dickhead for messing with what wasn't his!" he looked at her now condescending. "Have you realized that that asshole only wanted you when saw you lost, never before? It'd be good to keep that in mind before you two start giving each other goofy looks."

"I'm over him now" Helga mumbled to herself. His rant still echoed in her mind while he was stalling, taking his time before going on… she breathed. He'd said what he wanted her to know, concise and cold, just as himself -James the politician.

He, however, let see his inner passionate being; that other side of him that she was familiar with and used to be kind and a teaser and now she was longing, now he was lost … the pain in her chest became sharply acute that instant.

"Whatever" he huffed unenthusiastically "Now, if there isn't anything else to add, I guess here is where we part ways." Helga wondered if she'd heard a slight wavering in his voice, but of course she discarded it because it was her who wavered after feeling a heavy weight in her guts. That was it, the end.

She supported her hands on the armchair as she got a grip on herself. Her head spun. She observed as he ran his hands through his hair in that fashion of him that showed his irritation; and then rested them in his waist, pushing back his jacket and showing off his fitting faint lavender shirt.

Damn fragile veil - damn iron curtain – that keep his warmness –mercilessly away - from my yearning hands…

"I've spoken my mind and I'm ready to get over this. I thank you the decency of give back a family jewel. I have to warn you about Edward, though. He's out of your reach even if he's the one who looks for you, understand?" His voice was then full with disrespect "and lastly … despite what politeness dictates, unfortunately I can't tell it has been a pleasure dealing …"

"I still have something else to say" her unsteady voice cut him off. He snorted, turning all his body to see her with an unreadable expression.


Sorry, I had to cut it off somewhere. Next chapter will be here soon, I , promise. I just need to translate and double check the Spanish version, so, iF you want me to go faster you should leave a review to let me know it. It'd be all the fuel I need, well, and time.

I don't own Hey Arnold! Craig Bartlett and Viacom do.

I don't own any other TM mentioned here or in the rest of the story. They are here only as background.

This fic is a work of fiction based on the series and characters mentioned up there. Any resemblance to real persons or situations is entirely coincidental. OC and situations are product of the my imagination.

I own only the plot and the OC characters.

See you soon and thank you to my faithful reviewers.

W. Long, long ago. About December 2011. Last revision July, 2013.

P. August 2nd, 2013