Chapter 53: Second Thoughts
Lucy got to Olivia's around seven thirty the next morning. Rae was putting the lid on her traveler's mug full of coffee. She came over to the living room while Olivia was talking to Lucy about the hearing. Rae said hi to Lucy as she put her jacket on. She went back to the bedroom to grab her backpack and came back out to the living room. Noah was on the floor playing with his blocks and Olivia and Lucy were sitting on the couch talking. She listened to them for a minute and they were like two sounding boards, bouncing ideas off of each other and finishing each other's sentences. Rae couldn't help but to feel a little jealous. She grabbed her coffee from the table and looked around for her keys.
"What are you looking for?" Olivia asked.
"My car keys" she said moving Noah's toys.
"Are they in the bedroom?" she asked. Rae put her coffee back down on the table and dropped her bag to the floor to go in the room and look for her keys. Olivia could tell something was bothering her but she didn't know what it was. She got up from the couch and went into the bedroom to help her. "Did you find them?"
"No" she said annoyed, "If I'd found them, I wouldn't be here". Olivia felt the attitude in her tone and didn't know where it was coming from.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I need my keys".
"That's not why you're upset" Olivia said stopping her from moving. "What's wrong?"
"Olivia, I just want my keys, ok? I don't want to be late" she said pulling out her grasp. "I hate being late".
"Um, I found your keys" Lucy said standing in the doorway.
"Oh, great". She stepped over took them from her then went back out to the living room. Olivia and Lucy followed behind her. She picked up her bag and put it back on her shoulder.
"Yeah, um, they were in Noah's toy box" she said with a laugh. Olivia went over to Noah and picked him up. Rae grabbed her coffee cup and was about say her goodbyes when Olivia started talking to Noah.
"Hey, you" she said in her baby voice, "Did you try to hide mama's keys?" Rae felt her stomach drop when Olivia called her Noah's mom. It caught her completely off guard.
"Um" she cleared her throat, "I have to go". She turned and headed for the door. Olivia walked to the door with her.
"Hey" she said stepping out into the hallway, "Can we talk later….about whatever's bothering you?"
"Nothing's bothering me" she said with a shrug. "I'm fine. Good luck today at the hearing".
"Thanks".
"Bye". She walked away down the hall and out of the building, heading to the clinic for her shift. Olivia went back into the apartment to talk more with Lucy. Olivia cleaned up the breakfast dishes while Lucy got Noah in his shoes and coat. When she was done in the kitchen, they headed out to court for the hearing. Olivia was glad to have Langan on her side. He'd discussed with her his plan to be clear about the fact that Olivia was the best caretaker Noah had had in all of his placements. Her case worker wasn't on their side so he'd have to prove to the judge that she was just covering for her dropping the ball on Noah's care. She didn't know how this would go but she hoped that the judge would still be on her side. She'd been the one to suggest that she take Noah. She could see that Olivia cared about Noah just from the fact that she showed up to every hearing about him even when she didn't need to be there. She hoped the good feeling she had about Olivia taking Noah hadn't gone away. The judge probably wouldn't render any decisions that day. She would take time to review the caseworker's findings and they'd schedule another court date. On their drive over to the courthouse, Olivia got a call that there'd been a change of plans. The court date had to be rescheduled. He didn't have the date or time yet but he'd call her with an update. She turned around and took Lucy and Noah back home then went to work. It was a long day of trying to pin down leads on their case. They'd connected their perp to a string of rapes across a couple of states but the backlog of rape kits were ridiculous. They had the DNA from Atlanta but the perp wasn't in the system. To make matters worse, Olivia had to go in front of CompStat the next morning to explain their progress, or lack thereof, in the investigation.
After a long day, she headed home hoping that Rae would be there. She wasn't. Lucy was still there with Noah. She said Rae hadn't called or come over. She knew her shift was over at four and it was almost six thirty. She wrote Lucy a check for the next two weeks and then let her go. She called Rae and left her a message to call her back when she had time. She fed Noah dinner then let him play with his toys while she went over files from the pattern seventeen case. She had to be ready to present the case to the CompStat committee. Rae finally came in just after nine and she was right on time. Olivia had let Noah stay up until she got home but he was tired and starting to get fussy. She asked about the hearing and Olivia told her about it being postponed. She asked if she wanted to help give him a bath again but Rae told her to go ahead without her. She sat down on the couch and pulled out her books to study. There were just a few weeks left before the final practical. It'd cover everything they'd learned over the semester. She peeked at the files sitting on the table. She skimmed for a minute before getting back to her own work. Thirty minutes later, Olivia emerged from the bedroom with Noah. He was in his pajamas and looked very tired.
"Hey" Olivia said getting her attention. "You want to put him to bed?"
"Could you?" she asked. "I just, I need to get this done" she said tapping on her book. Olivia nodded and took Noah into the bedroom to put him to sleep. She put him in his crib on his back and pulled his blanket over him. He wouldn't settle down. He rolled over and pulled himself up by the side of his crib. He whined and held onto Olivia's arm.
"Come on, buddy" Olivia said laying him back down, "Its bedtime". She tried to pull his blanket over him but he rolled over and was back at the side of the crib before she could. "Noah, it's time to go to sleep". He cried and pulled on her shirt but she wouldn't pick him up. He stood there and laid his head on her chest. They went back and forth for five minutes, her laying him down and him getting back up. Rae could hear Noah crying from the living room and couldn't concentrate to get her studying done. She waited a few more minutes before going into the room. She didn't say anything, just walked over and took Noah from the crib. She sat down in the rocking chair with him and started to sing. He settled down almost immediately and a few minutes later was fast asleep. She laid him gently in his crib and Olivia covered him with his blanket. They turned the light out and went out of the bedroom, leaving the door cracked so they'd hear Noah if he woke up. Rae went to the kitchen and got a bottle of wine and two glasses, just in case Olivia wanted some, then went to join her in the living room. She poured herself a glass and offered the bottle to Olivia but she declined. Rae set the bottle down on the table then picked up her glass and took a drink. "So you wanna talk about what you were upset about this morning?" Olivia asked.
"Nope" Rae said simply. She took another drink before setting her glass back down on the table. Now that the quiet she needed had been restored, she turned her attention to her gross anatomy textbook.
"Why not?"
"Olivia, please" she said looking over at her, "I really need to study".
"Ok" she said softly. She decided she would take a glass of wine, after all. She poured herself a glass and took a healthy gulp.
"Oh, what's that supposed to mean?" Rae said taking note of her decision to drink after she said she didn't want to talk.
"What's what supposed to mean?" Olivia asked confused.
"I just offered you wine and you said no. What are you saying? You need to have a drink to be able to deal with me?" she asked annoyed. Olivia was completely thrown by her attitude.
"Ok" she said setting her wine glass down, "what is going on? Where is this attitude coming from?"
"I don't have an attitude" she said defensively.
"Yes, you do" Olivia argued. "You've had it since this morning". Araeyah got up from the couch and started packing her things. "What are you doing?"
"I'm gonna go home" she said zipping up her backpack. She finished her glass of wine and went to put on her shoes.
"Why?"
"Because apparently I have an attitude". She put her phone in her pocket, grabbed her bag and keys and headed for the door.
"Araeyah stop" Olivia said following her to the door. "Stop" she said firmly. She positioned her between Rae and the door. "What is going on?" she asked again.
"I need to go home" she said calmly. Olivia opened her mouth to argue but Rae didn't give her the chance. "And I don't want to talk about it right now. I just want….to go home". Olivia didn't move from in front of the door. "Olivia, I want to go" she said firmly. She moved reluctantly from in front of the door. Rae opened it and walked out of the apartment, pulling the door shut behind her. Olivia was so confused about what was happening. She thought things were going well with her and Rae and Noah. Now things felt like they were falling apart.
Rae didn't go home like she said she would. She went to Simone's instead. She didn't bother calling before she went over. She just needed to talk to someone other than Olivia to relieve her anxiety. She went to her place and knocked on the door. At this hour, she was probably already asleep. But Rae couldn't go home until someone talked some sense into her. Simone was the best person to do that. She knocked on the door again. A couple minutes later, she saw a light come on behind the opaque glass of the front door. She heard feet padding towards the door, a pause, then the lock turned and the door opened. Just as she thought, Simone had been in bed and she had woken her up. She apologized for coming over so late and without calling. Simone brushed it off as no big deal and told her to come in. They sat down in the living room to talk.
"So what's going on?" she asked concerned. It had to be something important for Araeyah to come over so late.
"I just left Olivia's" she said with a shrug. "I'm…I don't know. I guess I'm having second thoughts about us and I just need you to…."
"To tell you not to be ridiculous", Simone finished. "To not mess this up". Rae nodded her head. "Why are you having second thoughts? I thought things were going well".
"They were" she nodded. "I mean, they are" she corrected herself. "It's just….Lucy". Simone got a look of confusion on her face.
"Lucy? The sitter?" she asked. Rae nodded. "What about her?"
"They just…they have this...thing" she said not knowing what to call it. "They talk like they can read each other's minds and they finish each other's sentences and I just…."
"You're worried that Olivia is interested in her?"
"No" Rae said quickly. "I don't know. Maybe" she said changing her answer. "I just, I was watching them together this morning talking to each other with Noah on the floor at their feet playing with his toys and…." she shrugged her shoulders again, "I don't know. They just looked so….together. And I'm not a part of that".
"Araeyah….."
"And then she called me his mom" she said going on despite Simone's attempt to talk. "I was looking for my car keys and Lucy found them in Noah's toy box and Liv, she picked him up and she said "were you trying to hide mama's keys". Just like that, she's calling me his mom. I just freaked out on the inside. We're not even together yet and I'm his mom? I was already upset because I was jealous of how she was with Lucy and then she catches me off guard like that and I can just feel it. I can feel it coming, me sabotaging this, us, because I'm scared. It's already happening. I mean I started an argument with her tonight and walked out on her over….nothing". Rae ended her rant and took a deep breath. "I know you don't think that I will but what if I do? What if I do mess this up?" she asked not really wanting an answer. "I just, I need you to tell me again" she said. Simone took a breath, took Rae by the hand, and looked her in the eyes.
"You love her and she loves you. She still puts a smile on your face that no one else has and no one else can. I see her eyes light up at the mere mention of your name. You two belong together. She hurt you and you're afraid that it could happen again but you can't live your life in fear. Noah's a beautiful little boy. You love him and even though he can't say it yet, he loves you too. He's a child and you're afraid that you won't be a good mother to him but you can't live your life in fear. You can't close yourself off from the life that you deserve because of fear. If you say no to a life with Olivia and Noah, you'd be doing it because you're afraid. That's not who you are. You'd never let fear of failure get in the way of your success. You're brilliant. You're strong. You're brave. You're more than capable. You deserve them. They deserve you". Araeyah let Simone's words wash over her, permeate every crevice of her mind. She wanted to believe her. She needed to believe her.
"Thank you" she said softly. Simone nodded and pulled Rae into a hug.
"So, back to Olivia's?" she asked pulling out of their hug.
"Um, no" Rae shook her head. "It's late. She's probably already in bed and Noah's asleep. I don't want to wake them".
"Rae, please" Simone said giving her a sideways glance. "You and I both know that Olivia is not sleeping. She's up trying to figure out what's wrong with you". Araeyah laughed and nodded.
"Yeah" she said softly. "But if I go back tonight she'll want to talk and I just…I don't have the energy".
"Maybe just call then" she suggested. Rae nodded then got up from the couch and Simone walked her to the door. Rae thanked her again and gave her another hug before leaving and heading home. When she got upstairs to her apartment, she went right to her room and changed for bed. She brushed her teeth and washed her face then settled down in bed. She laid there for a few minutes before reaching over to the nightstand and grabbing her phone to text Olivia.
You were right. I was upset today. I'm sorry that I had an attitude and that I shut you out instead of talking about it. I'm sorry I walked out on you. I won't
She paused and thought about the last words she'd typed and decided something was missing. She backspaced.
You were right. I was upset today. I'm sorry that I had an attitude and that I shut you out instead of talking about it. I'm sorry I walked out on you and Noah. I promise I won't ever do that again. I will explain everything tomorrow. I love you.
She hit send and laid the phone on her chest. She stared at the ceiling and waited for Olivia to reply. A minute later phone vibrated. She picked it up and read the message from Olivia.
We love you too
A lump instantly formed in Rae's throat. Her teary eyes lingered on the word "we". She took a deep breath and blinked back the tears. She set her phone back on the night stand and turned over on her side. She wished she'd gone back to Olivia's. It felt weird laying there without her. It felt weird to not go to sleep to the rhythm of Noah's soft breaths, in and out, as he slept. It felt like something was missing, like her family was missing. For the first time, she was completely sure of herself. Simone was right. She was afraid but she'd never let it stop her before. She does deserve them and they do deserve her. She wasn't going to mess this up.
