Chapter Fifty – What She Doesn't Know

The longer Ben sat there waiting the more awkward he felt. Eyes continued drifting toward him which only made him more uncomfortable. He wasn't a victim waiting to tell his story to a detective, but considering where he was it made sense that anyone wandering through the SVU squad room would think that. After all, he'd been sitting in the chair beside Nick's desk for about ten minutes, though it felt like much longer. Maybe it would have been better to call the squad room and ask for Nick instead of coming in himself.

Ben bowed his head and rested his chin on folded hands. His mind jumped back to the reason he was here. Olivia's denial of pain yesterday had really gotten to him, and he desperately wanted to know whether that was normal for her or if she didn't trust him. Ben supposed the best way to figure that out was to ask someone that knew her well. Nick, her former partner, seemed like the best option. Of course he had no idea if Nick could give him the answer he needed let alone the ones he merely wanted. It was worth a try though. Or at least it would be if Nick ever got out of the interrogation room. Ben had hoped that since he'd stopped by after work that Nick would be almost finished as well. Apparently SVU didn't keep anywhere near normal working hours though.

Nick sighed and rubbed at his eyes as he left the interrogation room and headed toward his desk. He really hated idiots. Sometimes they made things easy and basically solved the cases for him. This one was just a pain in the ass though. None of what he'd said had even made sense, and he definitely hadn't shared anything that would help solve their case. He was so distracted trying to fight the desire to begin banging his head against the wall that at first he didn't notice someone sitting beside his desk. When he finally looked over and spotted Ben he literally stopped dead in his tracks. About the last person he would have ever expected to see sitting beside his desk was Olivia's boyfriend. A moment later a cold trail of terror trickled through him.

"Ben. Is Olivia okay?"

It was the only reason he could think of that Ben would be there. Ben glanced up and immediately put Nick's fears to rest.

"She's fine."

"Yeah? Well, that's good."

Nick continued eying Ben. Now that his only idea had been proven wrong he really didn't know why Ben was here.

"I was hoping you'd let me buy you a drink."

"This about Liv?" Nick asked, his forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"Yeah."

Nick nodded and changed direction so he could grab his coat and check in with Cragen. The captain shouldn't have any reason not to let him head home for the night. It wasn't like they were going to get any further with the jerk in the box anyway. Cragen saw him coming and waved him off before he even got into the room. Nick lifted his hand in thanks and jogged over to Ben.

"We're good to go."

As they walked down to the nearest bar Ben remained completely silent. He really didn't know how he was going to begin this conversation. What was worse he knew that if Olivia found out about this she wouldn't be happy. In fact, she would probably ream him out more than she ever had before. He would just have to hope she didn't find out.

Both men grabbed beers and settled into one of the high-top tables in the back of the bar. Ben took a hearty sip before even beginning to try and explain.

"You were Olivia's partner. You had to know her pretty well."

Nick was still confused but answered, "Yeah, I'd like to think I do."

Where the hell was this even going?

"She share with you?"

"Share what? Thoughts? Ideas?"

"When she's in pain or hurting in some way," Ben clarified.

Now Nick was starting to put the pieces together, or at least he understood what had brought Ben here. He simply didn't understand why and what had gotten him to this point.

"Where's this coming from?"

Ben looked down with a heavy sigh and rubbed the neck of his beer bottle. He didn't want to say too much.

"Just something that happened last night. I could tell she had a headache or at least the makings of one. No matter how hard I pressed her about it she kept playing the denial game."

And he'd known she had been hurting. There had been times where he wasn't as sure, and upon asking her had received the same response. It made him wonder how often he'd let her convince him everything was alright when it wasn't. Probably too many times.

"Sounds like Liv," Nick admitted.

"She hid her pain from you too?"

"She was always a master at that. It's not just you. She never told us anything. That's just how Liv is. You're better off reading her body language than actually asking her."

Ben really had to restrain himself from saying "no shit." He'd been reading Olivia's body language for months now. At least it was good to hear that he wasn't the only one Olivia blocked out, though maybe that wasn't so much good as mildly reassuring.

"You never found a way to get through to her?"

Nick shook his head.

"Tried, but she always shut me down. The best I could ever do was show her I was there if she needed me. Well, I did manage to kick her out of the squad room and send her home a few times too."

"I doubt that was easy," Ben laughed.

"It's Olivia. Nothing's ever easy."

Ben's laughter grew, and Nick quickly joined in. After they'd finally pulled themselves back together again Ben lifted his beer in a type of toast.

"I'll drink to that."

Nick grinned and was more than happy to clink bottles in agreement. Olivia could definitely be a challenge to work with, but after all the time he'd spent with her he knew she was worth the hassle. From what Nick could tell Ben saw that worth as well.

"You guys are doing okay?"

An unexpected smile blossomed across Ben's face, and he couldn't help thinking about one of the positives from yesterday. The possibility of a step forward. Based on that, how could he say they were anything but okay?

"We're good. I just wish I could help her more sometimes."

Nick nodded in understanding. That was something he definitely knew what felt like. The year after her accident he'd fought tooth and nail to find a way to help her, and nothing had worked very well. It left him feeling useless and inadequate, which he suspected was exactly what Ben was feeling now. Unfortunately Nick couldn't give Ben any suggestions about how to help. He hadn't exactly succeeded himself.

"Wish I could help you there."

Ben waved off his concern and took another swallow of his beer.

"You know, you're probably doing a better job than you think," Nick added.

"She's still sticking around, so I guess I have to be doing okay."

In Ben's mind "okay" really wasn't good enough. Watching her suffer though the seizures and headaches had bothered him early in their relationship. Time hadn't eased any of that worry and pain. Still all he could do in response to her medical challenges was stay calm and hold her in an attempt at comfort.

"Look, Ben. The only piece of advice I can offer is not to let her win too easily. She's stubborn."

"Olivia? Really? I never would have guessed."

Once more both men smiled. Stubbornness and being frustrating to deal with seemed to be a common theme with Olivia. Before Nick could even respond, a pair of hands landed on his shoulders. He spun around to find Fin grinning at him. Amanda was standing beside her partner with a soft smile that wasn't anywhere near as cocky and teasing as Fin's.

"What, didn't want to invite us, Amaro?"

"I wasn't the one that did the inviting."

Fin's eyes shifted over to Ben's in appraisal. He was just as surprised by Ben's invitation as Amaro had been. With one eyebrow raised, even Amanda appeared surprised. The first time they'd all met Ben he'd gotten along well with everyone. Even so, Amanda hadn't thought they'd connected enough to go out drinking together, especially not without Olivia there. She wasn't the only one thinking Olivia's absence was strange.

"No Liv today, huh?" Fin asked.

"Nope."

"Won't she kill you if she knew you'd called Nick out here for a talk?"

"Not if you don't tell her," Ben returned with a dancing smile and eyes glittering with humor.


Author's Note: Well, I've returned! Can't say I finished writing this on vacation, but at least I got one of the remaining sections done. Just a little left to go! Or so it looks like. It always winds up way more than that when I actually get around to writing it. Don't worry though, there's still a ton left to post.