I have no idea why I thought going for a run was going to get my mind off the one person I wish I never had to think about.
Randy Orton.
It was possible that a part of me hoped that since I hadn't had one thought that didn't concern him that hopefully my mind would be so exhausted with the effort that a brief distraction would have come as a relief. Or maybe I was just so desperate for this aching pain in my chest to subside that I figured keeping myself occupied would help. But considering I hadn't been successful at distracting myself yet, I was practically going to need a miracle.
It had been three weeks since the night I had my meltdown in front of Ted and Cody and thus three weeks since I had seen Randy. It felt weird appearing on Raw and the various live events without our 'fearless' leader but off-screen it was nothing short of relief. I knew I had to see him eventually. He was, after all, scheduled back next week and there was a huge part of me that longed to see him, but I didn't have any idea as to how he was going to react when he saw me. But taking into account the last conversation that took place between us, I wasn't exactly eager to find out.
I had been good on my vow these last three weeks – there was no drinking (not that that had really been a huge deal in the first place or difficult to accomplish), no sudden outbursts but more or less I kept to myself as much as possible. Sure we hung out, laughed and had fun, but it always seemed as if it took a lot of effort to be "happy" because I spent so much of my time worrying and contemplating about what was going to happen when Randy returned.
Ted and Cody happened to be out with the girls this afternoon so I was hoping, as I stepped off the elevator onto our floor, that maybe my body was tired enough that I would be able to get some sleep. God knows I haven't had a decent amount of sleep in what feels like an eternity. My mind was constantly working over time and it made sure that I was always feeling tired.
It was in that moment that a feeling came over me… telling me that I wouldn't be getting much sleep this afternoon. I disregarded it not even a second later because I could trust my emotions these days about as much as I could trust Jillian Hall to hit an actual note. Inserting my card key in the slot, I shoved the door open and entered into the room letting the door close behind me.
I had just set my card key down on the stand next to the door when I heard commotion coming from the bathroom. Praying that Ted wasn't in there with Maryse, I took a few steps towards the door.
"Ted?" I called out, "It's me. I didn't expect you back so soon. I really hope you aren't doing anything dirty in there or I will kill– oh!" I inhaled deeply for it wasn't Ted who had come out of the bathroom.
"Oh uh, Ted said I could hang out here for a bit because the hotel didn't have a room ready for a few hours… hey are you okay?" Randy asked.
It was clear that he had only just finished a shower as he had nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.
Almost paralyzed with dread I somehow managed to nod my head. This had not been expected, because he was back sooner than he was supposed to be, and now I didn't know how I was supposed to react.
"He uh," he paused for a moment while rubbing the back of his head in a show of discomfort, "He also said you'd be gone for awhile so we probably wouldn't run into each other and have to endure the awkward moment, but you know Ted," he laughed weakly and it was then that I realized I wasn't the only one who was nervous.
"What uh, what are you doing here?" I choked out.
He fished around for a moment in his large black suitcase and extracted a black t-shirt to pull over his head. Once he was done he looked at me again, "I told you my room isn't–"
"No Randy, I mean what are you doing here at all? You aren't supposed to be back yet," I interrupted and with each word I steadily became more confident.
"Yeah well my doctor cleared me. I spoke to management and here I am. Creative was able to write me into the show for tomorrow, so I took the first flight out."
He stepped into the bathroom with a pair of jeans in hand and closed the door behind him.
I backed up slowly until the back of my legs hit the bed and I toppled backwards onto it. Perched on the edge, I placed my head in my hands and took a deep breath. He wasn't supposed to be back yet and I certainly wasn't expecting to walk into my own hotel room to find him there.
What seemed weird to me was that he didn't seem hostile or angry towards me. In the past, he usually just shut down completely and cut me out. He wasn't acting like that and to be honest I didn't know what to make of it. He seemed so relaxed, calm even, but I was sceptical of how long it would last because Randy was famous for his short temper.
"Mickie?" he spoke softly.
My head snapped up, the movement making me aware of how exhausted and drained I was feeling. Under normal circumstances I would have assumed it was because of the workout and not having eaten but I knew that it wasn't the case now. I was tired of carrying all this guilt and pain and it had taken its toll on me. Would I ever truly feel happy again?
"Mickie, you look as if you haven't slept at all since I last seen you and I know it's none of my business but you look like you haven't been eating either," he spoke slowly and carefully.
After a few seconds I looked up into his blue eyes, "I'm never hungry," I whispered, shrugging my shoulders carelessly.
"Mickie…" he sighed.
"Anyways," I climbed to my feet, "I'm fine!" I chuckled nervously.
It was then that I realized something was wrong. I sure didn't feel fine. In fact I felt light headed. I took a deep breath hoping that it would help, but it only deepened the exhaustion. The last thing I remember was Randy speaking my name worriedly and rushing towards me before everything went black.
xoxo
When I opened my eyes again I was lying on my bed and it took me a few seconds to remember what had happened. Seeing Randy, I guess, was the final straw in everything that had been building inside of me the last three weeks that I had been trying to suppress. The reality that he no longer wanted me hit like a ton of bricks, and I wondered if I could ever fully recover from this. Taking in the time on the clock, I could have only been out for a few minutes.
I lifted my head a little to find Randy sitting on a chair with his head in his hands, not having realized I was awake yet. Knowing how much pain I had caused him was the worst out of everything. It wasn't just what had happened three weeks ago but mostly it was what had happened all those years ago when I placed all the blame on him for not being there for me when I needed him. I was a horrible human being whose actions were inexcusable and I was getting exactly what I deserved.
I felt the warm tears fall lightly down my face, "I'm sorry," I whispered.
He quickly removed his head from his hands and wasted no time in rushing to my side.
"Oh thank god. Are you okay?"
I averted my gaze, "Randy don't," I muttered.
"Don't what?"
"Don't be nice to me. I don't deserve it just like I don't deserve you," I spoke, finally meeting his gaze. "I finally understand why you chose her. The only thing I ever did was hurt you."
"Mickie I don't want to get into this with you. I promised myself I was going to let it go and leave it at that. We've done this too many times and I'm tired of it. I'm just… tired," he was almost pleading with me.
I had to turn away from him because I couldn't stand to look into his eyes. I didn't want to embarrass myself any more than I already had.
"I'm gonna go. Please just eat something alright?"
He went to open the door but I spoke up before he could turn the knob.
"Randy?" he looked back at me, "Just let me say this."
I threw the blanket off me and shifted into a sitting position. By the time I got to my feet he had already turned to face me – his way of permitting me to go ahead. I was pleased to realize I no longer had tears or the feeling of wanting to cry. Perhaps this was a sign that I was going to be okay after all. I looked him in the eyes feeling confident and knowing I needed to lay this out, to be honest and say what I was feeling like an adult and without the pain and anger controlling my actions like it has been lately.
I took a deep breath, "All of this is my fault and I fully acknowledge that now. And I'm not saying that because I want you to pity me because I don't deserve remorse. I've been selfish and ruthless and someone that I never thought I would be. I told you I wanted the physical relationship for my benefit but I lied. I did it because I was holding onto what was and you may know that now, but I knew it from the beginning."
I paused before continuing, "And yet I continued despite knowing with every fibre of my being that it was going to end badly. I just always figured it was going to end badly for me and pathetically enough I was willing to endure it as long as I got to pretend things were what they used to be between us even for a little while. I never, never intended to hurt you because you have to know that your happiness is more important to me than anything," I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, "…which is why I'm giving you my word that I'm stepping back. You are with Laura and I want you to be happy. You are a good person and no one knows that as well as I do. You deserve every happiness and I'm sorry if I ever made you doubt that."
I took another deep breath, willing any courage I had left to come forward in my time of need, and waited to see what he had to say or if he had anything to say at all.
"But I'm not going to lie anymore. I still love you Randy. I'm in love with you. There I said it," I spoke the last part more to myself than to him.
Finally he lifted his head to meet my gaze, "Mickie I knew… which I guess puts me at fault just as much, maybe even more."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not stupid. I knew full well the reason you offered the physical relationship all those months ago. Of course I chose to ignore the voice screaming at me to stop, but do you honestly think I only wanted this for the physicality of it? I knew what I was getting into and I chose to ignore my conscience in favour of giving into something I craved for years. Years of perfecting my self-control and it all goes out the window when you come along. Everything seems so normal when we're together, as if nature intended for us to be a perfect match. How can a person resist something as powerful as that?"
I merely shrugged my shoulders in response because I didn't know the answer to his question. I had never been able to resist him since the moment we met.
"I didn't fall in love with you again Mickie because I never stopped loving you. I foolishly tried so hard to convince myself I no longer had feelings for you that eventually I believed it," he paused for a few moments.
"I realized my mistake when you got back to Raw because it only took a few weeks for you to break down the wall I had structured around my life but still I didn't want to believe. So I did the only thing I could and I tried my hardest to treat you horribly in hopes that what I was feeling was merely lingering from all those years ago. But I knew I was wrong that first night we slept together again and I knew I was in dangerous territories. So I made an agreement with myself that I would stay away from you. So what happens? They set up a storyline to incorporate you into Legacy and then you offered the no strings attached relationship and the moment we agreed to it, I knew I was in trouble."
"We boarded a runaway train and didn't even attempt to get off it."
He was completely and totally right. What a mess we had made of our lives and the horrendous part was that we both knew it would come to this. We had selfishly hurt one another and our friends in the process and for what? Something that had never worked for us?
"Having these last few weeks off to contemplate everything that has occurred between us helped me to see everything so clearly," he spoke again. He took another step closer to lessen the gap between us, "We were never meant to be Mickie, we just wanted so hard to believe we were. It was the circumstances and the strong love we felt for one another that made us believe we were so perfect together. But if we are 'meant to be' why is life trying so hard to keep us apart?"
To be honest, I was blindsided by his words and more than that I was hurt by them.
"Don't downplay our relationship Randy, don't you dare!" My body started shaking, "It may seem like we are constantly being torn apart, but why do we keep finding each other? Sure we have had a harder time than most, but how I felt… how I feel for you is something I could never describe in words. The love I have for you threatens to overwhelm me because I was never taught how to deal with this kind of power. Anger, pain, happiness… all of that is easy. But love, Randy… love is hard."
"It's about putting your heart on the line in hopes that the person you love will feel the same. It's putting all of your trust in someone because you know that the only thing they want for you, like you do them, is happiness. And we had that Randy. Maybe we never got as long of a time together as I would have liked, but we will always be connected for the rest of our lives. And that is something that you cannot disregard."
I was staring directly at him, but his gaze was focused on the floor. I took a few more steps forward so that I was positioned directly in front of him.
"Do you know how much it hurts to know this love I have for you is never going to go away? That I can never be in a relationship with another human being because my heart will never belong to anyone but you." I reached out and grasped his hand in mine and placed it on my chest directly above my heart. Finally he looked up into my eyes, "This will always be yours if you ever change your mind, just know that okay?"
I let go of his hand and it dropped to his side but we maintained eye contact. I was about to turn away when he pulled me in for an embrace. I can honestly say that I was shocked, but it didn't stop me from reciprocating. Being in his arms once more felt great, but I wasn't foolish enough to believe a hug was going to make the problems go away.
I knew it was a good bye hug, or a closure one or whatever you want to call it and I was grateful. When we ended our relationship all those years ago, we ended it on horrible terms. Maybe just maybe this was a sign that it was possible for us to be friends, possible for us to be happy in a way that doesn't involve a relationship or sex and I was going to be okay with that… given time.
I was surprised to find that for the first time since I had found out about Laura I felt as if I was going to be alright. Already I felt lighter somehow and the pain and guilt that had enveloped me the last several years was beginning to melt away and left behind was the person I used to be. Of course I knew it was going to take time, and I wasn't expecting things between Randy and myself to be perfect, but at least this was a good start.
I still felt the aching in my chest but I knew that would never go away and yet it seemed as if I had already accepted it. The pain hadn't in fact decreased, but rather I had grown strong enough to endure it. I didn't ever want to forget the moments I shared with Randy and if that meant I was to take the pain with me wherever I went then so be it. The pain was the proof that it was all real and I wouldn't give that up for anything.
"I've resented you all these years because of how you treated me after we lost the baby… and I've waited three years too long to tell you that I'm sorry for all of it. We spent so much of our time blaming one another for reasons that were beyond our control, that we ruined our relationship in the process," he said after pulling out of the hug. "And I know I've said this a million times, but I'm truly sorry for everything Mickie. I'm sorry for not being there, I'm sorry for running to Laura and I'm especially sorry that I didn't do everything I could to bring you back from the place you had retreated to. I could've changed everything, but I decided to run. I'll spend the rest of my life regretting that."
I shook my head, "You couldn't have changed anything. I was so set on punishing you, especially after I found out about Laura. And I'm sorry for that. But Randy we can keep going back and forth and blaming one another or we can move on from this. We've spent too much time feeling angry and resentful for what happened… but it's never going to change the past."
He nodded his head in agreement, "You're right… of course you're right. Look, in light of everything and being honest with another, I should probably tell you that Laura is going to be joining me on the road again for about another month. She wasn't prepared to come this time, but she will be here for the pay per view," he informed me.
I hesitated for a moment, before looking up into his eyes, "Thanks for telling me and I promise I won't be any trouble."
Before anything more could be said there was a knock on the door, followed by another more urgent one.
"I'm going to use the bathroom," he muttered.
"Mickie! Mickie!" I heard Ted calling from the hallway, "Mickie!"
I pulled open the door to find my two best friends on the other side.
"I don't have my key. Mickie! I forgot to tell you Randy is back! I don't know if you saw him yet or not but– wait a minute, something is different about you. Cody isn't something different about her?"
Cody eyed me suspiciously, "You're right. She's… smiling."
At this revelation both of them seemed shocked. Like really, you'd think the world was about to end.
Ted looked around the room, as did I, confused as to what he was looking for exactly.
"What's going on?" Ted scrutinized me.
It was at that moment that Randy exited the bathroom and strolled up to us, "Hey guys, what's going on?"
Ted stared back and forth between us until his eyes widened, he inhaled deeply and he pointed at the both of us. Honestly you'd think we'd just committed a crime.
"You didn't?" He gasped.
"What the hell are you talking about Ted?" I asked.
"Yeah man, did I miss something?" Randy asked from his position beside me.
Ted narrowed his eyes, "Don't man me! After everything that's happened, after you hurt her, and she spent the last two months moping around!"
"Ted, hey fill me in!" Cody muttered.
"They've done it again," Ted crossed his arms and glared at us.
"Did what?" Cody asked.
"Yes, please enlighten us before I murder you for shouting and glaring at me," Randy spoke menacingly.
"Good choice of words, I would prefer torturing him for my own enjoyment though," I muttered to him and crossed my arms.
"Seriously you two are going to stand there and assume that I'm too stupid to know what's going on?"
"Ted we hardly have to assume that you're stupid," I rolled my eyes.
"Fine, play dumb. But I know the truth. You're sleeping together again."
It wasn't a question it was a statement.
Randy and I exchanged looks of disbelief before turning back to face them, "No!" we shouted in unison.
"Bu– but she's smiling!" Ted stuttered, "Are you dating?"
"No!" we shouted again.
"Okay no I'm with Ted on this one. God it feels weird to say that, but you are in fact smiling Mickie… for real and not like your on-screen smile. So enlighten us, what happened?" Cody crossed his arms.
I released a sigh and let my arms drop to my sides, "We just talked… about everything. It's what we needed and what we should have done three years ago."
"So hold up, you guys talked and all of a sudden everything's okay?" Ted asked sceptically.
"No," Randy said, "but it's a good start."
"Clearly we have a lot of trust issues to work through, and it's not going to be easy so I'm forewarning the both of you… but we're willing to try," I added.
"And I have a girlfriend which isn't going to change but I want Mickie and me to try this friendship thing and I'm hoping she's okay with that."
It wasn't what I wanted but it was what I had promised I would settle for.
I turned to look up at him, offering a small smile, "If that's what you want."
He smiled back at me but a second later Ted had rushed forward interrupting our moment as he wrapped an arm around each of us, pulling the both of us into a bone crushing group hug.
"Ted?" Randy questioned, "Personal space," he growled.
"I don't care!" Ted cried, "The foursome is back together and happy again!"
Randy and I craned our heads to exchange looks and both of us started laughing at the same time a few seconds later and reciprocated the hug.
"Cody get over here!" I laughed.
"No thanks," he said.
"Cody!" I stomped my foot.
"Oh fine, if you really insist!" I laughed again because I knew he really wanted to but was acting manly about it.
Finally Randy pulled away, "That's enough hugging to last a lifetime."
"I hear ya," Cody commented as he too pulled away.
Ted stepped back and stared at all of us in turn, "You are monsters! Hugging is such a beautiful and natural act."
I chuckled and opened my arms, "Awe DiBiase!"
He rushed into my arms almost knocking me over with the gesture as the other two guys laughed at the scene in front of them.
Ted finally pulled away and cleared his throat, "So what now?" he asked in a manly voice.
"How about you two girls visit a salon and get your nails done," Randy teased.
"And you can even ask if they'll give you tips on how to do your make-up because you've been looking hideous late– well ever since I met you," Cody added looking at Ted before he and Randy high-fived.
"Hey you two better apologize, that wasn't nice to say about Mickie," Ted said sternly.
I punched him on the arm, "Thanks Ted."
"You two are just jealous that I'm comfortable with my sexuality," Ted said confidently.
"Dude I think you're confused with your sexuality," Cody remarked receiving another high five from Randy.
Ted turned to me, "Cody's just jealous because my girlfriend is the sexiest of sexy and Randy's jealous because you've got a thing for me."
I sent a death glare in his direction causing his confident expression to falter and him to emit a nervous chuckle, "Too soon to make jokes about you and Randy?"
"Way too soon," I muttered.
"I must say James it's nice to see you smiling again, it makes me feel happier," he said with a smile.
"And that I'll agree with without making jokes," Cody offered and gave my hand a quick squeeze.
"Thanks guys, you're honestly the best friends I've ever been given," I said sincerely.
"Hell yeah! I can't wait to shove that in Kelly's and Melina's faces! They didn't believe me when I told them you loved me more!" Ted shouted excitedly.
I shook my head in amusement and released a small laugh. Ted was such a dork.
"So what should we do now? We have a free afternoon," Cody enquired.
"What about your girlfriends? Hey you two were supposed to be out for the day!" I just remembered now that they had had prior plans.
"Well I completely forgot I told Randy he could come crash here for a few hours and I was afraid you might die if you saw him so I phoned Cody and we decided to meet here to come check that the both of you were still alive," Ted explained, taking a deep breath.
I rolled my eyes, "So you ditched them for no reason? You should go back to them."
"Pff and leave you two unsupervised?" Ted said, receiving glares from both me and Randy. "One day it will be appropriate to joke about it!"
"And yet that day isn't now! So keep the comments to yourself or I'll release the Viper on you," I said menacingly.
"Oh this guy right here?" Ted asked, pointing at Randy and stepping forward so he was right in his face, "I'm not scared of him. He's harmless. I could totally take him with one arm tied behind my– okay, okay I promise not to make any more jokes!" he pleaded.
He eyed Randy nervously and took a tiny step back before turning away from him awkwardly.
I was pleased to find that after having been through so much together it still felt normal to stand here and bicker while making jokes. It was so great to know that not everything had changed.
Cody rolled his eyes at Ted before turning back to me, "Seriously being here is more important. The four of us haven't had a normal day in what feels like ages. I think I can speak for both Eve and Maryse when I say that they will understand," he said.
"What should we do then?" Ted asked, surveying all of our faces one by one.
"Mickie?" Randy asked, turning to face me.
I smiled at all of them, "I'm really leaning towards hitting up a buffet right now! I feel as if I haven't eaten in weeks!"
"Uh that's because you like… haven't," Ted said bluntly.
Cody rolled his eyes once more, "That's what I'm talking about! I knew I kept you around for a reason," he said while patting my head.
"That's the Mickie I know," Randy said, offering me a smirk.
"I missed the annoying smirk!" I exclaimed, causing the three of them to laugh.
"Seriously man, I missed you. Maybe Mickie will shower now," Ted said.
"Ted!"
"What? I've been holding that in because I didn't want to hurt your feelings," he said defensively.
"He's probably smelling himself, don't worry," Cody assured me.
"Possibly," Ted shrugged. "Let's go, I need to feed my abs!"
"I second that!" Cody called out as they both exited the room.
I turned to Randy, "I'm glad you're back and I'm happy things can still be somewhat the same between the four of us. Out of everything that's what I missed the most. Just joking around and bickering with one another."
"Can't say I didn't miss it either," he smirked. "The three of you just kind of grew on me."
"Well I'm happy for that," I smiled and we remained silent for a few seconds before I took a step back, "I need to change, so I'll uh meet you guys downstairs alright?"
"Yeah sure just don't take too long. Ted seems extra irritating today," he joked.
"That's just because you've been away too long," I teased, and watched as he headed out the door after the other two.
I smiled to myself as I made my way over to my suitcase. When I woke up this morning I definitely hadn't expected my day to end up like this. How different it felt to smile again, to actually be hungry as opposed to eating only because I knew I needed to.
I was searching around for a pair of jeans and a zip up sweater, as the weather was chilly outside, when my hand hit something hard at the bottom of my suitcase. I pushed my clothes aside to find the picture frame Cody had given me for my birthday all those months ago. I smiled again thinking of how long ago that seemed and how far the four of us had come. Ted and Cody had found women they cared about so much and Randy and I had finally, after almost four years, confronted our problems. All the while the four of has had only become closer and stronger as both people and friends.
Cody, my sweet, strong, smart and supportive friend who hasn't ever thought twice about sticking by side. He always tries to act so macho, but underneath the act he was as sweet and understanding as they come, which is why Eve was the luckiest woman alive to be able to call him her boyfriend. Cody was so mature beyond his years, and it never failed to amaze me how grown-up he was in certain situations. He never let his anger get the best of him, and preferred to use his brains as opposed to his brawn when outside the ring.
And dear Teddy. My first official Legacy friend. He welcomed me into his life with arms wide open, no questions asked. He has been the rock in my life for several months now and much like Cody I knew for certain that he would always be there for me regardless of the circumstances. He will always be around to throw out an unnecessary joke at the wrong time and I wouldn't have it any other way.
The thing with the both of them that stood out beyond everything else was their unconditional loyalty not only to me, but to each other and Randy as well. There wasn't any other group of friends that I had experienced, that were as loyal and as accepting of one another as the four of us were. Ted and Cody had stuck by Randy for the last year and a half despite the judgement that was bestowed upon them by everyone else on the roster. You couldn't have better friends than Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes.
Which brings me to Randy. The one man who makes me happy by looking at me, acknowledging me. The one man who knows me inside and out and can understand me better than anyone else in this world. I would give my life for him in a heart beat because a life without him would hardly be worth living and I say that knowing the judgement others may pass on me upon hearing it. Most people don't see him the way I do, and are willing to pass judgement on him just by seeing the cold, hard exterior that he's perfected over the years.
But beyond that is a man who deserves every happiness and a man who is capable of the greatest love you could ever imagine; a love that he was generous enough to share with me. He can make you feel like the most important person in the world just by looking at you. And it was for that reason that there will never be another man like Randy Orton, at least not in my eyes anyway, so there wouldn't really be a point in looking would there?
As for me, I was perfectly content with my life right now and in this moment, and everything else I will just have to deal with down the road.
xoxo
"Okay Ted, I love you to pieces but you have got to stop smiling like that. It's creeping me out," I complained to the blonde next to me.
"What? I'm showcasing my happiness!"
"This is awkward enough as it is, stop making it worse," I said.
"Awkward? But you said everything was good between you two," he whined.
"Ted we've discussed our problems, but that hardly means everything is fixed. We've got a ton of issues to sort through and that sort of thing takes time," Randy explained to him before turning his gaze on me. "Do you feel like a divorced parent trying to explain the situation to their kid? Because that's what I'm feeling like right now."
"Tell me about it," I rolled my eyes.
I was sitting across from both him and Cody at a restaurant located not too far from our hotel and I had just enjoyed what felt like the best meal I've ever had. Also I surprised everyone at the table when I ate more than even Cody had. What? I'd barely eaten anything in almost a month; I think I was more than entitled.
"Don't mind Ted, he's an idiot," Cody commented.
"Worry about yourself Rhodes," Ted scoffed, "at least I have a girlfriend!"
The brunette merely rolled his eyes, "I do have a girlfriend Ted!"
"Oh… right. Well it's still hard to believe that someone as hot as Eve would go out with you."
"Ted you're such a moron. Do us all a favour and stop talking."
"What fun would that be?"
"Trust me, it'd be music to my ears," Cody said dramatically.
Smiling to myself, I looked over to find Randy was looking over at me, his own smile resting on his face. After a few seconds I was forced to look away because an awkward feeling came over me. I had to control myself or I was going to have a hard time behaving.
A good twenty minutes later we were back out on the street, walking in the direction of the hotel as Ted and Cody walked ahead arguing over who would win a mixed tag match if it pitted Ted and Maryse versus Cody and Eve.
"So," I cleared my throat, "how's your family? I feel really bad about the last time I… saw them," I trailed off thinking about the moment I had found out about Laura. I hadn't thought this through nor was I prepared for the pain I felt thinking about that day.
I turned away quickly, focusing on the lights at the intersection up ahead to keep myself occupied for even a brief moment. It was going to take a lot of hard work if we were going to attempt the friendship route.
"They're uh, they've been good. Don't worry, the only one who noticed anything was my mom. Nathan was too busy with his eyes glued to the divas and my dad is programmed to keep his distance when a woman is upset," he chuckled. "My mom's wanted to call, but I told her to give you some space."
"It'll be nice to talk to her again," I said quietly. "Randy, what are we doing?" I stopped walking and he had to walk back a few steps to reach me.
"I thought we were going back to the hotel," he stated, but I could tell he was just trying to avoid the subject altogether.
"Can we really do this? Or are we just fooling ourselves. The friend's thing I mean…"
He looked out towards the traffic, "Honestly? I doubt it. There's always going to be feelings lingering under the surface but I want to try Mickie. I can't not have you in my life," he spoke slowly and carefully.
That's funny he should say that seeing as how he said he didn't want me anymore… just my luck.
"After all these years we finally confronted our problems. Maybe that's the only thing that's kept us out of each others lives so far. There's a reason this happened. There's a reason you were brought back to Raw and there's a reason you were put into Legacy with us and grew so close with Ted and Cody. I have to believe it… I don't have a choice."
I folded my arms over my chest and watched a few people passing by and then focused on Ted and Cody farther down the street, still arguing away, oblivious to the fact that Randy and I were no longer following.
"Did you ever think four years ago that we would be here? Struggling to maintain any semblance of a relationship, with our past haunting us?" I finally asked, knowing I was potentially in dangerous territories.
"Honestly? No. I would have figured we'd be married with a family, happier than ever. I guess life didn't share the same opinion," he shrugged.
I nodded my head, still staring after Ted and Cody who were growing smaller in the distance, "Do you ever think about how things would be if I hadn't lost the… baby," I struggled with the question, but I knew I had to say it. It had been haunting me for far too long.
After a moment of silence I looked up into his eyes, waiting for an answer to a question I had been wanting for years. As painful as it was to think about, I can't describe with words how relieved I felt to be able to talk openly about something I've had to withhold for years.
"Everyday," he said simply. "Mickie…"
"Yeah?" I whispered.
"I'm really sorry… for not being there for you… back then."
I looked down at the sidewalk, searching for anything to focus on so I didn't have to look up into the eyes I was afraid of. Despite everything, I just wanted to move on and move away from the pain I had been feeling for far too long.
"I know you are," I said softly, forcing myself to look up at him, "But I had no right to treat you the way I did. I can't believe you put up with me for as long as you did."
"It was never a choice for me, nor did I feel obligated. I wanted to be there Mickie, I loved you and every bad day was worth it when we enjoyed the good days together."
"Why did you go to Laura that day?" I whispered, fighting emotions and trying my best not to let them get the best of me.
"I went to her a lot throughout that time," he admitted, "She just had a way of calming me down in a sense. I only… was with her that one time and I've regretted it everyday since."
I turned away from him. I couldn't even calm my own boyfriend down and I treated him so terribly he went running to an ex-girlfriend. How messed up is that? But that day had been different than the other "good days". I had felt different, and looking back I was sure that had Randy not told me about his infidelity with Laura we would have been together for the last three years. I was so ready and willing to move on that day, but then he came back and was honest with me. I guess I couldn't know for sure if that was the end of my continuous bad mood… but I had this feeling that it would have been over.
But I knew I couldn't tell Randy this. I knew he would punish himself for it for the rest of his life. That had he not ran to Laura… none of this would have happened. I know he would never forgive himself for that.
Who the hell were we kidding? We had far too much history and there were too many feelings involved to ever be just friends. But what choice did I really have?
"I guess you can only run from your problems for so long hey?" I said softly, turning back to face him.
"I think we're a prime example of that statement. Who would've thought that you publicly announcing our loss would be the best thing for us?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused by his statement.
"It may have been embarrassing and painful, but Mickie we should have discussed that years ago instead of trying so hard to bury it. You bringing it up forced us to sort it out and as a result I think we've got a chance of moving away from it now."
I offered a smile, a very small one, but a smile nonetheless, "I guess you're right. But that doesn't excuse what I did. Every night since, I couldn't get the look of betrayal on your face out of my mind. It's the reason I've barely slept these last three weeks. I've been scared of how you were going to be when you returned."
"I was angry and I wanted so extensively to retreat back behind the wall I've built over the years but I realized I need to learn from my past. Staying angry at you was going to have more negative results than positive. That was when I realized you did the right thing… granted I would have preferred you to have thrown it in my face in private but hey whatever works," he grinned down at me.
I couldn't help but smile once more, "Look at us being all friendly!" I nudged him playfully, "Come on let's catch up with the guys before they kill each other."
I smiled after him, but didn't follow straight away. After the longing and the promise to settle for a friendship, it saddened me beyond imagine to realize that it wasn't possible. Any "friendship" with Randy would be a fake, and I wasn't sure if I was okay with pretending.
Randy's POV
It was Monday once again and I don't ever remember being more excited for a Raw show than I was tonight. I had missed three weeks of live events which in reality was three weeks too many and I was anticipating getting back in that ring tonight.
Yesterday had gone much better than I had anticipated, especially considering I didn't intend to discuss anything with Mickie before I came back. I vowed to just leave it in the past, but I guess that would have been the wrong route to take. Despite the obvious work that was necessary, I believed Mickie and I were at least on the right track to say the least. Would we ever be just friends? More than likely not, but if we were able to maintain some sort of relationship that worked for us and for our friends than that was good enough for me. The truth was, Mickie was far too important for me to just let her go and make the same mistake for a second time. I knew it was selfish of me to want to be just friends with her, but I couldn't let her go again.
I was in the process of pulling my jacket on when a knock sounded on my door. Opening it I found Cody on the other side.
"Hey man you ready to go? Ted and Mickie are waiting downstairs," he said as he entered the room.
"Yes I'm ready, I just need to grab my things," I said, crossing the room to pick up my bag.
"Hey Randy, I'm glad you're back and that you and Mickie seem to be doing okay, but," he seemed to hesitate for a brief second before continuing, "I mean are you sure that this is it for you and her?"
I should have expected this, but it didn't make it any less irritating. I guess that was the case mainly because I had been asking myself the same thing constantly.
"Truthfully I don't know. With everything that was holding us back sort of… out of the way, it's made it easier for the two of us and it makes me wonder where we'd be if all of this had happened sooner. But I think we need to at least try this friendship thing. At the very least I owe it to Laura. Despite what you guys may think after everything that's happened, she's a great person and she doesn't deserve to get hurt."
"I understand that, but neither does Mickie. God Randy you should've seen her these last three weeks. I would like to use the word wreck, but she was so much worse than that. I honestly didn't even recognize her," he said, his face showing how much he wished he could forget what had happened.
"The day you left, she seemed fine at first. We attended Raw, she did great in her match and our ring segment but then she disappeared and Ted and I got worried. No one knew where she was and her phone was going straight to voicemail. So we went back to the hotel, to find her with a half empty bottle of vodka and… Mizanin," he said the last part reluctantly, a scowl appearing on his face.
"Mizanin? As in Mike Mizanin?" I questioned, not liking at all where this was going.
Cody nodded his head, "We got there before anything really happened, but I'm quite sure it would've gone farther had Ted and I not shown up."
"What the hell was she doing with Miz?" I snarled, the images of him with his hands on her made my blood boil.
Cody shook his head, "She was drunk, I mean a half a bottle of vodka. Apparently it was going to be Mike's way of getting back at Ted for everything that happened with Maryse."
"That fucking bastard," I hissed to myself, "I'm gonna kill him!" I started forward, nothing but Mike on my mind, but Cody stepped in front of me blocking my way.
"Randy that's hardly what Mickie needs."
"He put his hands on her!" I hissed, "He tried to take advantage of her and he'll pay for it!"
"That's not the problem here," he grunted, giving me a shove backwards. "You want to know what else she did? She whipped that half empty bottle of vodka at me and Ted."
I stopped pacing, to look him in the face, surprised at the words that had come out of his mouth. He couldn't be serious, could he?
"Because we were the ones who had to stay behind and clean up your mess," he said angrily before releasing a sigh a few seconds later, "Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem being here for her and I would do anything for her, but I'm tired of seeing her in pain because of you."
I turned away from him, running a hand down my face, "So am I Cody. I just need to give this a try. Things are looking up and Mickie seems content now with how things are. Maybe this could work," I said, turning to face him.
It was a lie. Mickie was anything but content, and I knew that after one look at her. She was pretending, and I appreciated it, but it hardly made me feel better about anything. We were fooling ourselves… how long could this go on?
"She's tried fooling us the last three weeks. Laughing at all the right times, but she hasn't actually been here. Every time she looked at anyone, it was as if she was looking through them, like she couldn't focus. She's living and breathing but she isn't alive. It's like all of the life that Mickie normally has in her was sucked out the moment you left."
I didn't need him to tell me this. I noticed it the moment I locked eyes with her yesterday when I got back. It tore at my heart. Mickie was usually so full of life… I guess that's part of the attraction I have for her. I wish all of her pain would go away. She's too good to be feeling the way she is.
I turned away from him again, "She hasn't been truly alive for the last three years," I explained. "Cody if you knew her back then, you would think the Mickie James of these last six months was a poor example of the Mickie James from my Evolution days. And it kills me that I'm the cause of that. But I can't be anything more for her than I am right now."
"I don't understand why you won't fight to be with the one you truly love but that's your call. Ted and I will back your play, whatever you choose, you know we'll support you. Just please do everything you can to make this work. Whether you realize it or not you and Mickie need one another whether it is as friends or more than that."
Knowing he was right I merely nodded before following him out into the hall and down to meet Ted and Mickie, not paying much attention when he told me to stay away from Mike. If I seen that bastard tonight, I was going to make him regret ever looking at Mickie.
I didn't know what I wanted, what the right decision was or whether or not things were over between Mickie and me romantically. But what I did know was that I needed to focus on my career. I had a big match scheduled at TLC in less than a week and tonight I was making my return. Everything else was going to have to wait until the New Year.
xoxo
Fresh off of making my "surprise" in ring return by attacking Kofi Kingston after he won his match against William Regal, so as to fuel our feud and get ready for our match this Sunday, I was walking backstage when I spotted Miz in the near distance.
Instantly my anger flared up and Cody's words to "stay away from him" were lost. I walked up to him as he was immersed in what appeared to be a flirting session with Alicia Fox. I grabbed a hold of him and shoved him roughly against the wall.
"What the fuck!" he shouted, surprised at my action but a look of fear grew in his eyes when he looked into mine.
"Leave!" I hissed to the diva who didn't need to be told twice as she scurried away.
"I didn't think I'd have to deal with you. I mean I thought you and Mickie were "over". Didn't really seem like you gave two shits about her," he said smugly.
"That was a pretty stupid assumption on your part and a huge mistake that you made. You better watch your back Mizanin because it won't be Ted you'll be dealing with, it'll be me," I hissed.
I could tell he was uncomfortable at our position and unsettled because of the threat that I made. I had to resist the urge to smirk… after all this time I still hadn't lost my ability to truly be the Viper. It felt great, to say the least. The Viper wasn't just my own screen persona, it had grown to be a part of me and in situations like these, it was useful.
I continued glaring at him for a few more seconds until finally I backed away, not taking my eyes off his. I wanted nothing more than to knock him on his ass, but it was hardly going to be fun seeing as how he didn't have the balls to provoke me into taking action nor was he truly any competition. I went to walk away but his next words stopped me.
"Maybe Ted is the one you should be angry with. After all, I merely did it to spite him. She's nothing more than an overrated, pathetic diva. I used to date Maryse; do you really think I would go from someone like her to Mickie?"
Not even a second after the last words left his mouth; my fist collided with his jaw, the impact knocking him to the ground instantly. I squatted down beside him, and made sure he was looking into my eyes.
"Don't forget who I am Mizanin, and what I'm capable of. If I ever catch word that you were anywhere near Mickie or the rest of Legacy, Ted and Cody included, I will make sure it's the last thing you ever do," I hissed, staring coldly into his eyes.
"Randy!"
Turning my head I witnessed Mickie rushing towards me, a worried expression on her face, staring curiously back and forth between me and the superstar lying on the cold ground. I looked up into her eyes, taking in every detail of her delicate features.
I couldn't fathom for the life of me how Mike could even compare Mickie to someone like Maryse. Sure Maryse was sexy, in an obvious sort of way, but Mickie… she wasn't only sexy, she was beautiful on the inside and out. She had the kindest heart out of anyone I knew. She was capable of being both the best friend and the girlfriend. She wasn't high maintenance like Maryse was. She was laid back and casual and no matter the time of day or occasion she never failed to look beautiful. She was the whole package; the type of woman any guy would be blessed to have.
"What is going on?"
I pushed myself to a standing position and regarded Mizanin as if he was nothing more than a piece of trash.
"Nothing, Mike tripped. Let's go," I put my hand on the small of her back to lead her away, but she kept glancing behind us.
"Who told you?" she asked sternly.
"Who told me what?" I asked innocently.
"Don't insult my intelligence. It was Cody wasn't it? I knew there was a reason you guys took so long meeting us in the lobby," she muttered.
"I would never question your intelligence," I responded, ignoring her last statement only to receive another stern look from her. "Does it matter?"
She sighed, "I supposed not, but I didn't want you to know. God knows I'm embarrassed enough."
"Mickie you were under the influence…"
"Not when I invited him back to my room I wasn't. But by the time he showed up I guess I was," she admitted. "I feel so dirty thinking about it."
"Don't think about it. Forget about it, it's in the past. Come on, let's get back to the locker room."
"Um sure," she glanced back at my hand that was resting on her back still and took a few steps away from me. She averted her gaze and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ears, "Let's go," she offered a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes before turning and leading the way down the hall.
I closed my eyes and sighed. I guess I never expected things to be normal. I mean how could they be? How do two people who are in love with one another maintain nothing more than a friendship? They can't. So either we continue pretending things are normal or we do the right thing. But what was the right thing?
As much as it pains me to say it, maybe our best bet is to cut any ties that aren't professional. But to do that would not only affect Mickie and me, it would affect Ted and Cody as well. It would be like a divorce… who gets what?
But on the other hand, I love Mickie and as difficult as things are… she's special to me and she always will be. Is it fair to Laura to continue a relationship with her when I will never love her like I do Mickie? Of course it wasn't.
Would things ever really be the same between me and Mickie though?
So many questions running through my mind that I didn't know the answers to. I needed time to figure everything out. I guess I didn't need to rush into anything because after everything that's gone on, taking my time to decide would be the smartest thing I've done in awhile.
What the future held for Mickie and me… I wasn't sure, but I certainly wasn't in any rush to find out.
"Earth to the Viper!" I looked up to find Mickie waving her hands in my face trying to get my attention.
I looked down at her, "Yeah I'm right behind you."
Mickie's POV
I don't know what was going on with me, but it's not as if I could just go back to normal and I'm sure Randy didn't expect that either. Things seemed so normal during times when we were distracted, like when I found him leaning over Mike who was lying in the corridor, but the moment we had any time to reminisce on our issues, everything went right back to being awkward between us. I thought that after our conversation earlier that maybe it was in fact possible to be friends, but now I realize that that wasn't the case. I can't be just friends with the man who holds my heart.
But on that same note, what other choice did I really have? This wasn't only about me and Randy, this was just as much about Ted and Cody. The both of them had been in hell these last several weeks, and I couldn't bear to put them through anymore. They meant way too much and beyond that I owed them for everything they've had to put up with recently.
I couldn't do this to them. I couldn't make their time on the road awkward and more than that I could never expect them to choose. Things might be different if we weren't involved in the same storyline, but I had to be realistic. I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon and neither was Raw's top superstar, so until further notice, I was going to suck it up.
"Where did you two disappear to?" Ted asked when we entered the Legacy locker room.
"Why don't you ask Randy," I said, crossing my arms and turning to stare at the Viper sternly.
"Why?" Cody asked, looking up from shoving his belongings hastily into his bag.
"Why Randy hmm? Tell them. I'm sure they'd be very interested to know."
This sort of behaviour was easy… especially when I had Ted and Cody around as a comfort blanket. It was everything else that was going to be slightly more difficult. Randy glared in my direction, apparently uncomfortable at this newfound attention on him. The Viper, uncomfortable? I never thought I'd live to see the day.
To my surprise though, a smug look grew on his face, "I ran into Mizanin."
"Randy," Cody groaned, "I told you to stay away from him. What happened?" he turned to ask me.
"Let's just say Ted endured a similar experience a few weeks ago."
Turning to Ted I found him sitting on the sofa glaring in Randy's direction obviously remembering the time he was punched in the face by him. A part of me, the cruel part that laughed at Ted's misfortunes, wished I had been there to see it.
"Oh!" he said, standing up and folding his arms across his chest, "So I wasn't allowed to knock Mizanin on his ass but Randy was?"
"Ted let's be realistic. If we want to get the job done would we send someone named Theodore Marvin, or someone who goes by the name the Viper? Randy would be the assassin, you're the expendable moron," Cody explained.
"I resent that! Mickie back me up," he said firmly, appearing confident that I was going to do just that.
"Sorry Teddy, I hate to admit it, but Cody's right."
Ted gasped, "You traitor!" he turned to Cody, "So what would you and Mickie be?"
"Well that's easy," Cody said matter-of-factly, "I would be the guy who gave the orders and Mickie would be the kick ass leading lady."
"And I'm expendable?" Ted asked.
"That's what I said," Cody grinned.
"No, no, no!" Ted argued, "I would be the big head honcho. Randy would be my right hand man, Mickie would be my damsel in distress and you Cody would be my servant," Ted said smugly.
"Oh puh-lease!" I exclaimed causing everyone to turn and look at me, "There is no way I would be a damsel in distress. I would be the mob boss, Randy would be my right hand man, Cody would be my driver and Ted you would shine my shoes. Sorry Teddy but we would be terrible citizens if we ever allowed you to gain power."
Randy and Cody chuckled as Ted grumbled insults under his breath and turned away from us shaking his head. I chanced a glance at Randy and found he was also looking at me, and we maintained contact until I forced myself to look away. As great as it was to joke around, it broke my heart at how uncomfortable I still felt. But this pain I was willing to endure for the sake of my friends and the man I love.
An hour later, I was settled on the couch in my hotel room, alone as Ted was out with Maryse for the night. I chose a movie on the TV and was halfway through it when a knock sounded on the door. Slowly climbing to my feet, I crossed the room and pulled the door open to find Randy standing behind it.
"Oh… hey," I tried to make myself sound as relaxed as possible, even offering a small smile.
"Hey," he offered back and when I didn't respond he continued, "Right… well Cody is out with Eve of course and I'm bored. Are you up for hanging out?"
"Um…" I contemplated saying yes, but I couldn't possibly spend the rest of the night feeling as tense as I did earlier, "Actually, I was just getting ready to go to bed. I'm really tired and I do have a flight to catch early in the morning."
He took a step back, "Right… of course. Well I just figured– Never mind actually. Sleep is probably a good idea. So I'll see you tomorrow maybe or later this week…"
He was already taking a few more steps back down the hall, "Randy…"
"No it's not a problem. Sleep well Mickie…"
Turning quickly he headed back down the hall not giving me a chance to say anything more. Sighing quietly, I closed the door behind me and leaned up against it. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it certainly didn't make me feel any better. I just needed to remind myself that things would be tense between us, and hanging out with him wouldn't be as effortless as it had been months ago. I needed to stop longing for simpler times and I needed to realize that this was my life now.
So there's chapter 52, sorry for taking so long to update, I'll try my best to update sooner but I've still got a few things to figure out.
Things aren't as easy as Mickie and Randy expected them to be – and sure it's possible to be friends with someone you love – but I think it's too hard and too painful for them.
Thanks once again for the reviews from last chapter… I love reading each and every one of them and thanks to everyone who reads this story.
Despite this being one of my favourite chapters to write, I'm still unsure about it so please let me know what you think in the reviews :) Thanks again.
