Kevin POV


Bobby and Alex left me alone to work on my list.

I felt like a traitor.

I had no idea whether or not I would ever be allowed back to work, but even if I was, how would the guys treat me, knowing I'd squealed?

I'd be lucky if they let me wash the truck after this.

But at the same time, it was for their protection, right?

Wasn't that what Bobby had said? If this Tomlin guy was for some reason targeting firemen who did drugs, then maybe this list would save one of my brethren.

Maybe it would keep someone else from ending up like Bradley.

And Dom.

I heard the door open, so I glanced up, expecting to see my sister.

But instead it was my wife.

She looked pale and tired. And sad and distant.

I was hit with the overwhelming urge to take her into my arms and promise her that everything was going to be okay.

But I didn't.

I couldn't.

Because it wasn't just going to be okay, and it was my fault.

She surely didn't want comfort from me.

More likely, she wanted a divorce.

So far, she'd been too kind to say the D-word, but I knew that it had to be foremost on her mind.

And how could I blame her?

I'd taken the years of established trust and I'd thrown it all away.

"I'm sorry about your friend," she said quietly as she closed the door behind her. "Alex told me that you knew the latest victim."

"Yeah," I said with a nod. "Not well, but still…"

"Are you okay?"

I felt like crying at the realization that she was still concerned for how I felt. I didn't deserve her. I deserved to be tied to an ant hill and doused with honey.

"My well-being is not really a priority right now," I replied. I gestured towards the paper that I was writing on and added, "I'm working on a list for Alex."

"I heard them mention something about that. What kind of list?"

"Other guys who…might be targets."

She nodded in understanding, but still hovered near the doorway.

She'd stayed with me at Mom and Dad's last night, but after we'd gone a few rounds, she'd left me a lone in the den, choosing instead to sleep in my old bedroom.

It still looked like it did when I'd last lived there, nearly thirty years ago. I didn't want to set foot in it because it reminded me too much of the expectations I'd had for myself.

Those aspirations that were now in the toilet.

"I won't keep you," she said softly. "I know that's important. But I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

"I'm fine, really. He was a colleague, but…"

"No, I mean I'm sorry about last night," she interrupted.

I brought my eyes back to hers, shocked at her apology.

She was sorry?

"You're going through enough right now without having to deal with me, too," she explained. "And at your parents' house…that was wrong."

"Kendra, I deserve everything you want to throw at me," I told her sincerely. "I know how badly I've screwed up. But you…you don't owe me anything."

She dropped her eyes to the floor for a minute and then took a deep breath and crossed the room, coming around the table to pull out the chair next to me. She sat down and then put her hand over mine, where it rested on the table.

"You did screw up. But you're also human. And I'm certainly not perfect either."

"Yes, you are," I interrupted, turning my hand over beneath hers so that I could clasp her fingers. "You are perfect. And I don't deserve your forgiveness."

She flashed me a brief, pained smile and I felt a stabbing pain in my chest when I saw that she had tears in her eyes.

"For the past several days, I've been trying to imagine what my life would be like without you in it," she admitted.

"Easier," I said sadly. "You wouldn't be spending your days at the police station, or worrying about who might be following you, or wondering if I was doing drugs again…"

"Kevin, stop," she said gently. "I had to try. Because you know me. I have to look at things from every angle. I want to stay with you. I just needed to be sure that it was also the right thing to do. For the kids and for me."

I stopped breathing altogether as I waited for the verdict.

This was it.

She's so calm now because she's made up her mind.

She's leaving me.

"And?" I finally asked when she didn't continue.

"I can't do it."

"Can't do what?"

But I knew what she was saying. She can't forgive me. And I couldn't blame her.

"I can't picture my life without you in it. I love you, and yes, you hurt me and you damaged what we had, but I have to believe that we can get it back. I want to get it back."

"Oh thank God," I said on an exhaled breath. "I thought…I really thought that you were going to tell me that you were done. And I wouldn't blame you. I…"

"There's more," she interrupted. "When I said that I'm not perfect…I meant it. I…I found out something last week, and I should've told you right away, but I didn't, and then I'd decided that I was going to tell you Monday, but that was when you told me about what was going on with you, and…"

"What is it?" I asked, suddenly concerned because of the apprehension on her face.

I took a chance and reached out to her, settling my hand on her cheek. I felt tremendous relief when she leaned into my touch and closed her eyes, and yet I still couldn't fathom what had her so concerned.

She finally opened her eyes again and took a deep breath before saying the words.

"Kevin, I'm pregnant."


Sean POV

"Well, you don't have a black eye," I quipped to Hayes when she got back into the car. "Did you get things cleared up with the counselor?"

"You mean did I repair the damage done by you spouting off your big mouth?" she retorted. "Yes, I did."

"Hey, I didn't say anything that wasn't true," I argued.

"Yeah, you did," she countered. "You're the one who brought up Lupo, not me. And even if I had mentioned him, which I didn't, it was supposed to be a secret. Remember that, partner?"

She had me there.

I'd known as soon as I spoke that I was wrong to do so and yet every time I'd tried to fix it, I kept making it worse.

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"What did you say? Because that kind of sounded like a half-ass apology, but I'm sure that's not what it was," she fired back as she buckled her seatbelt. Then she looked up at me and flashed me a grin. She was going to let me off the hook. But I didn't deserve to be, so I made a second effort.

"Hayes, seriously. I'm really sorry."

"Okay. Apology accepted. Now get us over to Brooklyn so we can get our hands on those records."

I waited for a break in traffic and then pulled out into the flow.

"So, are you going to tell me yet who this mystery man at 1PP is?"

"Are you kidding me? Just because I forgive you doesn't mean I'm going to start sharing secrets. Besides, you might know soon enough."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I think I've decided to ask him out."

"So who is it?"

"I said I think I've decided. If I do and he says yes, then I'll tell you."

"Huh. Yeah, okay. So you're going to ask him. That's very progressive of you."

"Women do the asking all the time," she said. "When was the last time you had a date? 1995?"

"Something like that," I said on a chuckle. "'94 maybe."

"Exactly," she said smugly.

"So, Bernard took good care of you last night?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah," she replied. "He was very…nice. There probably aren't too many men out there who would volunteer to sleep on a stranger's couch."

"You're not a stranger. You're…you."

"I'm a stranger to him. And mostly to you, too."

I let out a noise of disagreement, but she continued making her point.

"What kind of music do I listen to? What do I like to do in my off-hours? What's my cat's name?"

"Your cat? Honestly, I didn't even know you had a cat until you said something about it yesterday."

"About her. My cat is a her and her name is Janis."

"Janice? Who names their cat Janice?"

She smirked at me and shook her head.

"And you've just completely proven my point. You know nothing about me."

"So talk," I said in frustration. "And then I'll know."

But she didn't. And for some strange reason, she seemed to be in a really good mood, so I let it go.

We picked up the records without much trouble and then headed back to 1PP.

"I can't believe these are only from the past two years," Hayes commented. We had the backseat full of boxes, as was the trunk. "You think Tomlin's in there somewhere?"

"I don't know, but I guess we're going to find out."

My phone buzzed, indicating a text, so I handed it off to Hayes since I was driving.

"You want me to read it?" she asked in surprise.

"I'm not going to text and drive."

Besides, I had a specific tone for anything incoming from Alicia, so I wasn't worried about it being something personal.

"Um…it's from Detective Goren," she said. "It says that Bradley had a car and now it's missing. They've got an APB out on a '72 Chevelle."

"Sweet car," I mused. "So Tomlin killed Bradley and took his car. That's different. I mean, he took Sabin's car, too, but that was the week before he killed him."

"He's changing his routine," Hayes said. "That's good, right?"

"Good and bad. It'll make him less predictable, but also more likely to make a mistake."

"Do you think he'll still try to go after Kevin?"

"He probably wants to," I agreed.

We were both quiet for a few minutes, and then Hayes spoke up.

"If you found out something about someone," she began cautiously. "And it worried you, but you promised that you wouldn't tell…what would you do?"

"It worried you because that person is in danger?" I asked. I decided to let her be vague. I had some making up to do in the trust department, so I wasn't going to push her.

"Yes. Maybe."

"Then why did you promise?"

"Because I was trying to respect that person's wishes."

"That's a good question. I'd say you just declared yourself as this individual's personal watchdog."

"That's kind of what I was thinking," she replied thoughtfully.

"If you need help, just say the word," I offered.

"No. It's just…it's hard, you know? This whole crowd you're involved with. I mean, I like it. I like the idea of having a group that I can depend on. Growing up, it was just me and my brother, and…well, I already told you about him. My mom and dad worked long hours and both of them considered their careers to be more important than their kids. In a way, it might be what drew me to police work. Knowing that I'd have a partner, one person I could always count on. And now I'm stuck with you," she said with a grin. "Which means that I've suddenly got half a dozen more people who seem willing to take me in simply because of my ties to you."

"And that's a good thing, right?"

"It is. But it's strange, too. Everyone is so…I don't know. Honorable. I'm suddenly afraid of letting people down simply by virtue of not doing the right thing."

"You do the right thing," I assured her, secretly pleased at how much she'd opened up.

"What about with this? If I tell, I've blown a confidence. If I don't and something happens…"

I could definitely see her dilemma.

"Then tell someone," I said at last. "Tell one person whose judgment you trust."

"Are you sure?"

"No, but that's what I think."

"Okay," she said thoughtfully. "Thanks."

"Wow, Hayes," I teased. "I think that's the most you've ever said to me at one time."

"Well, let's see if you manage to keep this between us."

"Ouch. Touché," I said on a laugh. I pulled the car into the parking garage at 1PP and that was when my cell phone rang again.

Only this time it was Alicia's ring.

Hayes went to open the phone since she still had it in her hand, but I snatched it from her.

"Uh uh," I said with a grin. "I like this whole open-up-and-feel-good crap, but you're not going to read a text from my wife."

"Oh, so that's your wife's ring tone, huh? And what are you afraid of? Does she send you dirty text messages?"

"No," I lied. "It's just personal."

"Uh huh. Like you need to bring home diapers kind of personal? Or can you get away at lunch for a nooner kind of personal?"

I barked out a laugh as I opened my phone to read the text. I liked the teasing side of Hayes.

"If I told you, then it wouldn't be personal, would it?"

TBC...