So, I'm really proud with how this chapter turned out. Slight trigger warning for discussion of sexual assault. But yeah, enjoy.
"You pray. You pray, God please don't let him climb on top of me again."
Another week had passed. Ed saw Olivia walk in the door, making eye contact with him. He could tell she'd been crying. He looked at Noah. "Hey, bud, how about you go get your PJs on and I'll be in, in a few minutes to tuck you in." He watched Noah run off and he got up and wrapped Olivia in his arms, feeling her body start to shake with sobs. "You want to talk about it?" He felt her shake her head no. "You just want me to hold you?" He felt her nod. "Okay, how about you go into our bedroom and get comfortable and I'll be in soon, right after I tuck Noah in?"
Olivia nodded. She looked at Ed, tears running down her face. "Thank you," she whispered and walked into their bedroom. She got out one of Ed's shirts and she let out a breath, peeling her work clothes off, taking her bra off. She looked at herself in the mirror and her face contorted with tears. Her breath was heavy and her hands were shaking. Every scar, to her, looked fresh. Angry red marks. She felt Ed's hand on her shoulder and she jumped and let out a yelp. She saw Ed and she shook her head. "I'm sorry. I'm—" she felt him wrap his arms around her and she sobbed into his chest. "I'm sorry."
Ed rubbed her back. "Shh, shh, shh." He kissed the top of her head. "Talk to me, Liv. Tell me."
She pulled away and wiped her eyes. "Don't be mad at me. Promise you won't get mad."
He walked her over to the bed and helped her put the shirt on, pulling her into his arms. "I won't get mad, baby. Talk to me."
Olivia curled into his chest. "Amanda and I got into a fight in the box today, about this case. It got to the point of Amanda telling me how terrified she was as a girl of being weak. And I just… I told her she had no idea what terror was. I talked about Lewis and the terror I felt for four days. And I—" she stopped and shook her head. "I remembered something that I've been blocking out for five years, Ed." She wiped her eyes. "Lewis raped me." She looked up at him. "That first night, after he pistol whipped me, it didn't knock me out. He untied me and brought me to my bed pulled my pants the rest of the way off, they were already unzipped, he fondled me after he knocked me out the first time. He said I was so sweet while I was passed out. But he wanted more. And he took it. He threatened to do it again after. Once I got free of the cuffs and subdued him I burned my panties. He made me clean up when he was done, but I had blood in my panties because it was— it was violent. I burned them. And then I just buried it. It all came tumbling out today." She shook her head. "Lewis raped me and held it over my head the whole time he had me. It was only the first night, it was once. I don't think I'd have had strength inside me to fight him more than that. When I had the rape kit, it showed signs of rough sex, not traumatic sex." She looked at him. "I blocked out, I was too proud to admit it. As far as I was concerned it was from Brian the night before Lewis broke in."
Ed wrapped her in his arms, kissing her temple. "Baby," he whispered. "I'm so sorry," he held her tight. "What can I do?"
She shook her head. "Just hold me," she practically begged. She felt him pull her down to lay on her side. He wrapped her in his arms. She closed her eyes and gripped his shirt. "Just love me," she whispered.
He rubbed her back. "Always. I'm always going to be right here, and I'm always going to love you."
Olivia felt a peace fall over her, and she drifted off to sleep. It was a blissful respite from the day, exactly what she needed. She hadn't eaten at all that day, only had some coffee, but she wasn't hungry. She just wanted to feel safe. She woke up a few hours later and looked up, seeing Ed. "Did you sleep at all?"
Ed shook his head. "I was too worried about the love of my life," he whispered. "You alright? Can I get you something?"
She smiled. "I'm okay," she whispered. "A little hungry, but okay."
He kissed her forehead. "Want me to get you something to eat? You should put something in your stomach."
Olivia smiled. "I should. Don't go crazy, okay? I don't need a whole big meal."
Ed kissed her temple. "Stay cozy in bed, I'll get you something. You want some water too?"
She nodded. "You spoil me." She watched him leave and she pulled out a pad of paper and a pen and she started writing. She wiped her eyes as she wrote out her emotions.
He walked back in with a tray of meats, cheeses, crackers, olives, some figs, pasta, everything he could manage to put together in a few minutes. He smiled when he saw her writing. "You alright?"
Olivia looked up at him, putting the pad and pen away. "Just needed to get a few things out of my head." She saw him walk over and she kissed him. "You didn't need to go through all this trouble."
Ed put the tray down and walked around to the other side of the bed. "No trouble," he whispered. "Seriously, I cut up some salami and soppressata, some cheese." She caressed his face. "Heated up some pasta I made for dinner. But even if I made all of this by hand, it wouldn't be any trouble. Not for you," he whispered. "I'd do anything for you."
She smiled and kissed his lips gently. She popped an olive in her mouth. "I am so lucky," she whispered.
He smiled and sat behind her, letting her rest back against his chest. "I just want to take care of you."
Olivia looked back at him, "You take excellent care of me, Ed. I'm just sorry I keep having these breakdowns. Keep having these memories pop up."
Ed kissed the back of her head. "I'm just glad that I'm here to love you through all of it." He kissed her neck gently. "I'm so thrilled that you trust me enough to let me in."
She smiled and leaned back and kissed him slowly. He ran his hands over her sides and she smiled, moaning softly. She broke the kiss and smiled. "Mm." She bit her bottom lip. "The only man I've ever trusted so fully. So completely."
He held her in his arms and fed her bites. She settled back against him and smiled. He moved the tray to the night stand once she'd finished eating. "Feeling better?"
Olivia looked back at him. "Much." She placed a chaste kiss on his lips. She turned in his lap to straddle him, keenly aware of her surroundings, aware of both of their levels of arousal. "Kiss me."
Ed looked at her. "You're sure?" He saw her nod and he cradled her face in his hands, leaning in to kiss her softly, testing the waters.
She smiled and wrapped her arms around him, still kissing him. "Mm," she broke the kiss and looked at him. "That feels nice."
He ran his hands over her sides. "I could kiss you forever. But I don't want to make you feel like I'm pushing you."
Olivia smiled. "I'll let you know when I need a break, when I need to stop. Right now is not that time, so you should definitely keep kissing me," she leaned in and kissed him again, feeling his fingers lightly trace small circles on the skin of her thigh. She let out a gentle moan and scratched the back of his head lightly. She felt him pull her closer, their bodies flush together.
Ed ran his hands over her back as their languid kiss continued. This kiss wasn't about getting to orgasm, this wasn't a kiss that led to sex. This kiss was about comfort and safety. This kiss was about pouring every ounce of love they had into one another without having it escalate into any type of physical penetration. He broke the kiss, letting their breath mingle, caressing her face. "You're okay?"
She rested her forehead against his. "Ed, I'm fine. I need you to do two things. Trust me that I'll let you know when it's too much, and stop treating me like I'm made of glass and I'm going to shatter into a million little pieces. It happened, he raped me. Five years ago. I still want to be in your arms with your lips on mine. I appreciate you wanting to make sure I'm alright, but I need you to trust me. Okay?"
He caressed her cheek and nodded. "Okay," he whispered. He saw her smile and he felt her lips against his, moaning softly. He let the hand that was on her cheek slide to the back of her head. Her fingers ran over his chest as they kissed. He let his fingers graze her hips under the t-shirt.
Olivia quickly pulled away. "Over the clothes," she whispered. "I know you find me sexy and beautiful, but—" She let out a breath. "But when I was looking at myself in that mirror, all my scars looked so fresh to me, like they'd just happened. I don't want anyone, even the love of my life, to have to look at my naked body right now. Even if I know it wouldn't matter to you," she whispered.
Ed moved his hand and cradled her face in both hands. "I do find you sexy and beautiful, no matter what, Liv. But I'm not going to do something you don't want me to. You want me to stay on top of your clothes, all clothes stay on until you say otherwise. You want me to just kiss you and hold you, I don't touch any part of your body. Olivia I mean it, whatever you want I'm more than happy to give you, okay?"
She nodded and kissed him softly. "Just, over the clothes okay? Touch me wherever you want, as long as it's over my clothes." She looked into his eyes and smiled. "I'm just not ready for sex yet. I'm still trying to figure out what my mind remembers and what's going to trigger me."
He kissed her again, his fingers running over her body. Through her shirt. "That's okay. I don't need sex. You know I don't. And if I get too aroused, I'll go to the bathroom and take care of it, okay?"
Olivia let out soft, breathy moans. "Okay." She pressed her body fully against his, kissing him passionately, slipping her tongue past his lips. He groaned and ran his hands over her chest, his thumbs grazing her nipples through her shirt. She gasped and let out a soft moan. "Mm," she grinned and moved back slightly, giving him access to her whole torso, her hips, and her pussy. She kissed him again, feeling his hands roam her body, his fingers lightly grazing her clit through her panties. She sighed and bit gently at his bottom lip.
Ed broke the kiss and looked into her eyes, holding eye contact as he gently, slowly, rubbed her clit through her panties. Olivia moaned and closed her eyes. Ed kissed her eyelids and whispered, "Open your eyes beautiful."
She looked deep into his eyes and smiled, her hips gently rocking into Ed's hand, letting out a soft moan. "Your hands feel so good," she whispered.
He smirked and kept eye contact, slowly rubbing her clit with one hand, the other caressing her face. "Anything for you," he whispered. "You tell me what you need me to do."
Olivia smiled and shook her head. "Exactly what you're doing," she whispered. "Give me all the pleasure in the world."
Ed smirked and broke eye contact only for a moment so he could lean in and kiss her chest, over her shirt. Everything he'd normally do if they were naked, or at least close, he planned to do while they were clothed. He caressed her face and kissed her slowly, stopping his movements momentarily before she took his hand and moved it back to her clit, holding it there and grinding against it. "Close?" He saw her nod and smiled. "You want to grind on me, not just my hand?" He saw her nod and he kissed her neck, moving his hand and holding her hips as she started to grind into him. He heard her moan and he smiled. "That's it baby. I'm right here. I'm right here baby, let me catch you." He groaned as her hips moved into his.
She let her head fall back. "Ah!" She leaned forward and kissed him passionately as she continued grinding into him. She broke the kiss and whimpered. "Oh, Ed." She let out a sigh, feeling her orgasm take over her body. Her hips moved erratically as her orgasm tore through her. Her forehead rested on his as she finished, tears running down her face.
He felt a tear on his shoulder as she buried her face in his neck. "What's wrong?" He asked softly, rubbing her back.
Olivia shook her head. "I want to stop thinking about it," she whispered. "I want you to be able to throw me on the bed and fuck me senseless, without having to worry if you're triggering a flashback. I want to be able to make love to you without worrying about a flashback." She cried into her hands, feeling his hands rub her back. "I want to be normal," she said weakly, so softly she wasn't sure he would even hear it.
Ed kissed her temple. "Olivia, normal doesn't exist," he whispered. "Normal is a setting on the washing machine. Everyone has something Liv."
She looked at him. "You're normal," she said gently.
He shook his head. "Far from it, baby. I've just learned how to hide all the things wrong with me. And it's not healthy."
Olivia caressed his face. "Ed, you're here for me. Let me be here for you." She said gently, kissing him softly.
Ed pulled back and smiled. "That's just it, Liv. You are here for me. Any time you kiss me or touch me, everything bad melts away, and it's just us. It's like the bad stuff never happened. I know what I've been through doesn't come close to what you've been through, and that I'll never be able to take away the trauma of what happened to you," he kissed her lips softly. "But I want to be the one to make you feel better. I hope I do."
She wiped her eyes. "You do," she whispered. "Even if it's only for a brief moment, you make me feel better," she kissed him gently. "You're my rock, Ed. You're the only one who I know can handle my demons, who can quiet them."
He kissed her temple. "I love you, all of you."
A/N: There's chapter 50. Leave a review and let me know what you think, here or on Twitter (couricshargitay). And I have to check in. Do you want me to continue with this story. Or would you like me to make a new story with Olivia, Ed, Noah, and Caroline? It wouldn't be me saying goodbye to these characters, it would be a continuation, kind of like the next book in a series. Let me know!!
