The Big Chill

by Aliaslaceygreen, not mine not making any money

Nights in White Satin, 2…

Mondays suck. I spun my pen around in my hand. The hands on the clock were moving so slowly toward 5 pm they might be going backwards. Could the day get any longer? I'd been feeling off all day long. I couldn't identify exactly what was disturbing me but whatever it was, it sucked. I couldn't keep my mind on my work. I was so incredibly glad it hadn't been busy lately and that Connie had come back from her medical leave so I usually had someone to talk to. Yes, the same Connie I used to work with all those years ago. Small fuckin' world. Of course she had dashed out early for a pedicure, and so I was left to my own devices.

She had meet Carlos, back then. But hadn't met him again before he left; she didn't truly understand what his leaving had done to me. Or maybe she had. I'd heard stories. She was Family. And the Family had rules about the men she could be seen with. Hmm. Maybe it explained why she was so cynical. I chuckled in spite of myself. I recalled the last time that Lester, one of Carlos' men, came in to get new FTA files. Connie spent the entire time trying to both ignore his come on's and flirt outrageously herself.

True to Vinnie's word, the guys who worked for Carlos started to come to the office, despite the fact that Carlos was gone. It was awkward to say the least. I had never met them through Carlos, these Rangemen; but they seemed to know who I was, that he and I were together. Once upon a time. They were as uncomfortable around me as I was around them, so it all worked out. But it kind of sucked because I could go a day or three and not get all weepy and then one of them would appear, and despite never seeing them with Carlos, his face would swim in front of mine whenever they came to the office.

They scared me, to be honest. One was called Lester, and he was hot, but he knew it. Struck me as a player, but he was definitely eye candy. And the sound of Connie's jaw hitting the desk when he came in the second time, on her third day back at work?? It was priceless.

Then there were these two black guys. Honestly, the first time they opened the office door I thought we were being robbed. Couldn't figure what they would steal but they looked very much like our clientele.  Turned out they were nice enough. Army. Didn't say much at all. I had learned approximately three things about them, combined, in the past three months, other than their names.

They still made me wanna pee my pants when they burst through the door, especially the one named Tank. Although, when he laughed, everything about him changed. I'd heard him laugh. Once.

Damn!! Fuck. I had gone, oh, shit, what, 22 hours, without a conscious thought of Carlos! It boggles the mind that the man can worm his way into my thoughts like that. Fuck! And somewhere along the way, trying to work through the pain, I'd developed a potty mouth that would even put a sailor to shame. Crap!

Hmm, it wasn't even 22 hours. Joe had dropped me off at my apartment late last night. We had gone to the beach yesterday, at his suggestion. He had begged. And it had been one of those rare, must be experienced early spring days when it almost touches 80, and you know deep inside that you should be at the beach, to remind yourself of the ways of the world. To see the largeness of the universe, and the smallness of your problems. A chance to stand in the cold sand, barefoot and shivering as the still too cold water races around your ankles. You squeal loudly at the beach, like a child with no inhibitions, no problems. And yet.

I went because I needed to get away. I needed to clear the cobwebs of Carlos out of my head. I really ought not to have gone with him. I knew it, yet I did it anyway, one more thing I've done to myself that wasn't good for me. Joe hadn't waited for me, exactly. But he had been a friend. And I found I needed friends. He gave me only the smallest amount of grief about having chosen Carlos over him. And it wasn't like we were together or anything.

But three months is a long time to listen to your heart slowly tear itself into little pieces, to watch the pieces fall on the ground and be trampled into the crevices of the sidewalk, unnoticed by all the wide world. Yet far too noticed by me, for sure.

I had been cajoled by Mary Lou time and again to go out, have fun. And I would guess that most of the people who called and came by to make me go out and have fun had received similar hints from Mary Lou. Even Joe. I knew I must be in pretty shitty shape, if she went as far as soliciting Joe.

So, I caved in-- to the weather, to the idea of sand squishing through my toes, to being out of the Burg for even just one day. And of course, walking in the sand, not being particularly friendly or amenable to Joe, listening to the waves crash, all it did was remind me of a hot summer day six years ago, when Carlos and I stood on the edge of the earth just so. I freaked out and teared up and basically made Joe nervous.

I looked at the clock again and groaned. Still not five. Damn you Carlos, I thought for the hundredth time. Damn you for not getting out of my head.  Damn you for leaving me alone! My hand fell unbidden to my waist, and the cool metal of the button on my jeans tingled against my palm. Damn you to hell.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a vehicle parking on the street in front of the door and groaned, out loud this time. Go away, I mumbled to myself. Five gets here and I am out that door. Your homeboy baby daddy's sorry ass will have to just park himself in lock-up for the night. We have no one available to bail him out now.

I didn't look up; maybe they wouldn't see me and keep walking. I can't see you, I chanted, eyes closed, facing the wall, trying to make the clock hands move and wishing for a remote door locker.  I couldn't write bail anyway. I had gotten so caught up in thinking about Carlos I totally blew closing up early and now am gonna have to have some stupid….

My thoughts were cut off as the door opened and I felt, more than saw, the shadow in the door frame like a cartoon shadow of doom. I didn't turn around; suddenly I found I couldn't move.

"Ms. Plum," my name was intoned deeply, and I began to shake like a leaf as I recognized Tank's rich baritone voice.