"So, how come Hedwig can fly around this place but other people can't see it? I mean, Hedwig would deliver letters to Sirius when no one even knew where he was."
Potter had no admiration for magic. His curiosity to know what men were not meant to know would only weaken the importance of magic to him. Knowing was impossible. They had to accept things as they were. In other words, "Magic."
"What does magic have to do with Hedwig?"
Severus rolled his eyes as he took off his cloak and placed it on the bed. "You don't think our owls are ordinary ones, do you?"
Potter furrowed his brows. "What do you mean?"
"Magic runs in your blood, and thus you are capable of many things Muggles are not. It works the same with animals."
Potter seemed to consider that. "I've never thought that."
"You wouldn't need to think it," Severus sneered, "if you had simply studied it in your Care of Magical Creatures class. But who am I to judge your holy decisions?" He took out his wand and checked the spells of the house once more. They were intact.
"Why don't you teach me the things you know?" Potter asked suddenly. "You could teach me fighting spells."
He could. And he would. If Potter wasn't meant to lose the war. "Ask Dumbledore."
"I'm asking you."
"And I'm refusing. End of discussion."
Potter released a sharp breath but didn't push it. Severus was suddenly intrigued to spill the truth to Harry and get him out of here. Fuck the greater cause and fuck Dumbledore and fuck Voldemort too. He could make a plan. One of his own. He was a spy, after all; he knew more than Dumbledore thought. No one would know what happened and when they'd suspect Severus it'd be too late. They'd have fled.
They couldn't.
And Severus shouldn't be thinking like this. Might as well get over his death before it happens. Might as well.
Harry went to the bathroom for his night routine and Severus laid down on the bed, a hand covering his eyes. He should go. The fear of death never haunted Severus personally. He'd never been scared by the fact that he, himself, might someday die, nor had he felt any remorse for the experiences he wouldn't have time to go through during his short insignificant life. He had lived it all as a pawn, anyway; he did what he must, he obeyed, he bent his head and kept to himself whatever he ever wished or desired or hated. He never gave anything to himself. He never wished anything for himself.
Slowly, he unbuttoned his shirt and took it off. He unbuckled his belt and let it fall next to his shoes. Potter came out of the bathroom and looked at Severus curiously. "Sir?"
"I'm staying here tonight."
Severus contemplated between turning his head to see Harry's shock and remain as he was. His tiredness won, although he wouldn't remember how he got tired, and no muscle ached tonight but his heart. He snorted. He did look like a depraved old fool. Maybe he was one.
"Um. Okay." Harry said cautiously. Severus lied down, and soon felt the mattress sink as Harry climbed on the bed too. With the lights turned off, Severus turned to his side, grabbed Harry by the waist and dragged him closer. "Do anything stupid and I'll leave."
"Okay," said Harry in a hushed voice. He felt fingers brushing his shoulders and staying there. His own fingers traitorously found their way to Harry's hair. It was a curious thing, the death of a loved one. Everyone knew that time in this world is limited, and that eventually everybody would end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up.
Yet it was always a surprise when it happened to someone Severus knew. It was a sickly moment of dark horror, the moment Severus heard these latest news, as though trying to readjust the way Severus thought of things.
Harry's embrace was warm, and the hand on Severus' shoulder now carefully wrapped itself around his body. The sound of their hearts beating existed possibly in Severus' imagination only. He didn't mind.
"What happened?" whispered Harry.
Severus shook his head after a moment. "War, I think."
Harry chuckled. "Is this how you react to war?"
This is how I react to you. "Should I change my mind, then?"
"Don't you dare," said Harry, and then laughed. "Don't you dare leave this bed, ever. 'Cause I'm not planning to."
"The great war hero Harry Potter, aren't you. Found heavenly sleeping after the war had ended. Was woken up to state in surprise that he didn't notice that a war had actually occurred." Making an honest attempt to sneer was apparently being sabotaged by his hand still stroking Harry's hair. He made a mental note to make this right tomorrow with a random nasty remark.
"Is it bad that sometimes I want just that?" The fingers making small cycles at the small of Severus' back stopped. Wanting to live wasn't too much to ask, Severus' consciousness protested. His better sense argued that it was luxury. War was a symptom of man's failure as a thinking animal. The lack of shame about it caused a twitch on Severus' wand hand. If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war.
"You need to be brave."
"I am. Brave. It was just a thought."
"Severus…"
"Harry. Sleep."
Severus glanced at Marvolo Gaunt's ring laying on the desk before Dumbledore. Severus muttered another spell under his breath as he moved his wand over Dumbledore's wrist. "I warned you," he hissed. "Why… why put it on while you knew it carried a curse? Did I not warn you?"
Dumbledore's eyes were closed, a drop of sweat on his temper. "You told me to wait… I… waited too long…"
"Why even want to put it on?" he asked furiously as he saw his spell passing through the curse in vain. Dumbledore's darkened fingers twitched.
The curse held a death sentence. He went through every healing spell he knew and all of them crashed to his hand and dissolved. They were fucked. Without Dumbledore they were fucked. He'd have to use dark magic to block the curse; the best he could do was convince Dumbledore to chop off his hand and hope for the best.
"The curse is extraordinary strong; I have trapped the curse in one hand for the time being –"
Dumbledore raised his blackened hand and observed it. It occurred to Severus that he was putting effort to even moving his fingers. Dumbledore glanced at them with curiosity. "You have done very well, Severus. How long do you think I have?"
The rage that boiled inside Severus didn't try to express itself. He was going to be left alone to protect Harry. As a Death Eater, this was impossible. Without Dumbledore's assistance they didn't stand a chance surviving the war. "I cannot tell. Maybe a year. There is no halting such a spell forever. It will spread eventually, it is the sort of curse that strengthens over time."
It would take less than a year; he wasn't sure how much he should reveal at the moment. His fate laughed at Severus from a distance and Severus mentally kicked it away. As fate usually did, it crawled back to him and kept laughing. Dumbledore smiled. "I am fortunate, extremely fortunate, that I have you, Severus."
Ah, the fortune is all mine. I'm having the best fun of my life here. Hail fortunate people of this world. May they always be blessed with such remarkable events.
"If you had only summoned me a little earlier, I might have been able to do more, buy you more time!" said Snape furiously. "If you had waited for me to examine the curse first, break it before you put it on…" This was Severus' fault too. Leaving a powerful magical object with the greatest wizard of all times and expecting him to not use it. How thoughtful. He should have studied that ring sooner. He should have concerned himself with it months ago instead of dawdling in — Harry's arms, for God's sake.
Severus looked at the broken ring and the Gryffindor sword unable to draw any conclusion. Dumbledore should have known curses didn't break that easily. "Did you think that breaking the ring would break the curse?"
"Something like that . . . I was delirious, no doubt. . . ."
The old bastard was lying. Severus was struggling to save his life and what he was receiving was yet again filthy lies. Why break the ring? Why with the Gryffindor sword? Was it a horcrux?
Dumbledore straightened himself and pointed at the chair across him. As Severus sat down, he mentally put in order the questions he wanted to make. Time was drifting away and he wouldn't let himself see Dumbledore die without demanding answers first. Dumbledore had to tell him everything he knew about Harry. It would be stupid to take his secrets with him as though they didn't matter. Dumbledore cut him short before he could speak.
"Well, really, this makes matters much more straightforward."
Severus narrowed his eyes in terror. Dumbledore smiled.
"I refer to the plan Lord Voldemort is revolving around me. His plan to have the poor Malfoy boy murder me."
Severus swallowed all his protests and waited. The feeling that this wasn't going to be good became stronger and stronger.
"The Dark Lord does not expect Draco to succeed anymore. This is merely punishment for Lucius's recent failures. Slow torture for Draco's parents, while they watch him fail and pay the price. He was given a whole school year and failed miserably. By the start of the new term the Dark Lord won't be so patient. In short, the boy has had a death sentence pronounced upon him as surely as I have," said Dumbledore. "Now, I should have thought the natural successor to the job, once Draco fails, is yourself."
There was a short pause. They had already discussed this. Severus could see where this was going. "That is the Dark Lord's plan."
"Lord Voldemort foresees a moment in the near future when he will not need a spy at Hogwarts?"
"He believes the school will soon be in his grasp, yes."
"And if it does fall into his grasp," said Dumbledore, "I have your word that you will do all in your power to protect the students of Hogwarts?"
Severus nodded. This was madness.
"Good. Now then. You must promise me that you will not break your cover by talking to Harry again after I'm gone, until, of course, it's necessary."
It was the sheer realisation of what they were discussing that turned Severus' blood into ice. Surely Dumbledore was joking. This had to be some test. The useless hand hanging limp on Dumbledore's side indicated otherwise. "Are you intending to let him kill you?"
Say no.
"Certainly not." Lies. Again, lies. "You must kill me."
Oh.
His plan of kidnapping Potter and abandoning the world suddenly seemed wise.
"Would you like me to do it now?" asked Severus, close to snapping. "Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?"
He had been struggling with his consciousness for the best part of the past year so he could maintain his nobility. He feared Harry Potter's existence with all his might in constant worry of what immoral paths he might follow, he restrained himself from every little happy moment he could live and stayed loyal to the cause. He watched with awe as his said nobility was completely disregarded by his master and as he was shamelessly requested to dismiss it permanently.
"Oh, not quite yet," said Dumbledore casually. "I believe I want to see a last opening feast first."
"If you don't mind dying," sneered Severus, determined to not lose his temper now, "why not let Draco do it?"
"That boy's soul is not yet so damaged," said Dumbledore. "I would not have it ripped apart on my account."
What were they talking about? Wasn't Severus a human being? "And my soul, Dumbledore? Mine?"
"You alone know whether it will harm your soul to help an old man avoid pain and humiliation," said Dumbledore. "I ask this one great favour of you, Severus, because death is coming for me surely. I should prefer a quick, painless exit to the protracted and messy affair it will be if, for instance, Greyback is involved… Or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it." Dumbledore snorted. "On the other hand, you're still going to be Headmaster."
"You're becoming lazier than I am," said Harry.
Severus grimaced. "Lying down isn't always laziness. Some people do have the ability to think and therefore use relaxation as a way of focusing on what is troubling them."
"And what is troubling you?"
Severus didn't answer. He saw Harry disappear to the kitchen and a part of himself followed behind him to take a better look of the boy's ignorant calmness. The part of himself that refused to acknowledge Harry Potter's existence kept staring at the ceiling. Even if he had been in love, he could not have been more wretchedly blind. Vanity had never been his folly. Murder wasn't his kick. He couldn't remember trying anything else whatsoever. Well. For a very long time everybody refuses and then almost without a pause almost everybody accepts. Severus supposed that he had accepted himself as a murderer long ago. This wouldn't have to be hard.
Why should it?
The fact that he was going to kill the last person who ever showed kindness to him should not affect him.
Not the last one.
Rubbish. And Harry was going to die too. All Severus could hope for was to die himself before any of this occurred.
He had forced himself to follow orders, always, for her, and now he discovered a metal inside him where his heart should be.
"Want a cookie?" A chocolate cookie hovered above his mouth and Severus turned his head aside frowning. He grabbed the cookie nevertheless and looked at it.
"No love potion," Harry joked. "I don't think you need it. I'm already charming."
"Unbearably," sneered Severus.
Harry lied down beside him and propped himself up his elbows. "What's bothering you?"
"Business."
"Dumbledore."
After a moment Severus grunted in agreement.
"What did he tell you this time?"
"Stay out of it."
"Fine." Harry snatched back the cookie from Severus' hand and ate it. Severus silently damned Harry for still having faith in his good side. He shut his eyes against the image of the betrayal he'd cause Harry to feel and it only became clearer. He quickly glanced at the confused boy who studied him with furrowed brows. The odds for Severus to save him were slim. He shut his eyes again.
"Is it that bad?"
Severus forced himself to remain stern, despite the snort that was threatening to escape him. "Has it ever been good?"
"It has," Harry said. "Cookie?"
Severus accepted it with a barely opened mouth, if only to make Harry shut up. And immediately regretted doing so for he was now choking on it. He abruptly sat up and coughed hard until the danger was over. He glared at Harry with what he hoped was a disapproving look and Harry grinned. When Severus lied down again, Harry suddenly became sullen. "What if Dumbledore needs our help while he's away? What if they find him?"
Ah. You're still there. Severus didn't know whether to tell him that this particular plan was rather cancelled or not. And how was Harry going to finish whatever business he had without Dumbledore? Who would help him? His useless friends? "We'll see. Have you finished your exercises?"
"Yes. You want to play?"
Severus pulled himself up and Harry sat cross-legged across him. "I wasn't aware that mind altering was a game to you. It's obvious, you take your education seriously."
His heart beat faster and he was suddenly too unwilling to keep up this act. Every word he uttered to the boy was a lie. Every hope he gave him for a better future was fake. He was keeping him alive so he could die from the hand of Lord Voldemort. He was entertaining a moribund who loved him; trusted him. So. Severus was a heartless bastard. No news here.
He deepened his glare and Harry frowned. White, he thought, although they had done white before. He was planning to move forward to more difficult concepts, but it now seemed fruitless. What for?
"White," Harry said confidently.
"And now?"
Severus shifted his thoughts and watched as Harry struggled to follow. "Is it still a colour?"
Severus smirked. "I don't know, is it?"
Harry pulled his face into a look of strict concentration and his tongue darted out to lick his lower lip. Severus focused on his eyes.
"I want a drink. Alcohol, I mean. Is that…?"
"Close enough. It was whiskey."
"Don't tell me next time until I find it."
"And leave eternity pass so uselessly? I doubt so."
Harry rolled his eyes to the back of his head. "Fuck off. Can I do that to you too?"
Severus couldn't keep back his urge to laugh. The Dark Lord himself couldn't read his actual thoughts. "Not in this lifetime. Focus."
They did it again and Harry succeeded. He won, as Harry preferred to name it, a childish grin on his face every time he found the right answer. A smile for getting closer to the dream of mastering the art of Occlumency. To make Severus proud. Severus was suddenly filled with the urgency to see Harry succeeding too. Another restless night was approaching and Severus gazed hard as he blocked out of his mind the cold bed that awaited him back home and his mark that'd burn every time a Death Eater committed murder. Which was precisely all night long. His body went rigid at his incredulously persistent inclination to sleep here again, and he forgot to hide the worry from his face.
At the possibility of not sleeping alone, he felt his muscles relaxing and he inwardly wished himself death for such weakness. He'd sooner parade in the front papers cuddled in Harry's protective arms than get used to sleeping with him. The little voice in the back of his head that used to sooth him by reminding him that he was not attracted to little boys did little to reason him anymore. Facts spoke in a clearer voice than beliefs, and whatever had been fact to him his whole life was now incompetent in explaining why he had come to a point where he could not protest when Harry was close.
He blamed tiredness for not getting angry every time. He reasoned himself that, if he were to survive this, he had to make some kind of peace with the boy. He told himself that being close to someone wasn't necessarily equal to being attracted to that person. He even tried to convince himself that what he felt was closer to a newly developing paternal need for protection that anything else.
That last part made him so nauseous that it was quickly dismissed as purely sick.
And that alone made the even sicker truth more obvious.
He could not explain it.
He settled to not think about it.
Severus' temples throbbed and he relaxed his jaw just in time to notice the beginning of a headache. Harry broke the eye contact first, and rubbed his own eyes with a thumb and an index finger. "Can we stop for a few minutes?"
"Yes," Severus said much too quickly. Harry fell back on the pillows and Severus rubbed absently at his neck. To his surprise, Harry didn't propose a massage.
