Chapter 51
The ride to town seemed too short that morning to Kid's taste. What he wanted was to stretch the moment for as long as possible, but unfortunately, Rock Creek's buildings appeared in sight too soon. As he drove the wagon with Lou sitting by his side, he felt like a condemned man going to the gallows, a destiny he could not avoid however much he wished it. Curiously, this was not the first time he had experienced the same. Actually, he had felt similar sensations when he had walked down the church aisle to marry Lou. Life was playing a cruel joke on him, and he would now give anything to go back to that time and start things all over again. There was so much he would do differently, but his regrets would lead him nowhere now. It was too late to cry over spilled milk. Things were just what they were. Lou was walking out on him today, and he would be left alone and heartbroken.
As silent as during the ride to town, Kid and Lou walked to the spot where the stagecoach waited. The driver offered the Southerner to take the luggage, and when Kid nodded reluctantly and was freed from Lou's only carpet bag, he turned to her. "Well…" Louise started, but her voice faltered. This was their very last time together, and she had no idea what she could say. A breezy 'so long' or 'it's been a pleasure meeting you' would not do. With all probability they would not set eyes on each other again, and summarizing what their marriage had meant to her with just a polite formula did not feel right. Louise actually wanted to tell him so many things but she did not know where to begin. He was the first man she had not been afraid of, the only man who had made her feel special and appreciated, and the person who had helped her shed her fears and apprehension. Louise did not have enough words to express her gratefulness, and she knew that if she started, she would surely cry.
Lou was saved from her dilemma as Kid surprised her by throwing his arms around her frame, hugging her tightly against his body. Lou also wrapped her arms around his torso, relishing the feelings his touch and warmth aroused in her, which she knew she would never feel ever again.
Knowing this was the end, Kid held onto her as if for dear life, and wished this moment would last forever. His eyes were starting to moist, but he stubbornly fought the urge to succumb and cry. To his dread and chagrin, he heard the driver's voice announce that the passengers had to board. Reluctantly, Kid pulled away, but his hands travelled from her back to cup her face. God, she was so beautiful, he thought as his eyes locked into hers. He loved her so much. It was now he realized how much, and she didn't even know. Why hadn't he told her? Everybody deserved to know they were loved, and right now he felt he couldn't let her go without her hearing him say it. There was no harm in it. So Kid breathed in deeply, and without shifting his eyes from hers, he whispered, "I love you, Lou."
At his words Louise smiled sweetly, and said, "I love you too. You've been an incredible friend to me, and I'm gonna miss you terribly." Her voice squeaked, and she feared she might start sobbing pathetically at any moment. She had yearned to hear those words for so long, and even though this was not the way she wished Kid felt, his honest declaration of friendly love warmed her.
Kid realized that she had misunderstood the intention of his words, but he would not linger on his hurt feelings. There was something else on his mind right now, so he blurted out, "Please Lou, don't go."
"What?"
"Stay here in Rock Creek," Kid elaborated. Even though he knew he was late, he had realized he should have talked to her about his feelings long ago. Maybe there was something he could do. It was clear that their divorce was definite, and as soon as he handed in the papers, there was no way back. Yet, if she stayed and he let some time pass, he could approach her from another angle, and one day he could even ask her for permission to court her properly. Maybe he could make her see him in another light, and she might even learn to love him.
Hearing his totally unexpected request, Lou disengaged herself from his hold. "Please don't ask me that."
"Why not? Things are simple. We can still be friends, and you'll be much better here. A lot of people who care for you are here…. the boys, Teaspoon, Rachel… and me. Why do you need to flee where you might be all alone?"
"I can't stay here," Lou replied stubbornly.
"But why not?" Kid insisted. "Please do it for me."
"Don't do this, Kid. Please respect my wishes… I… I just need to go."
Kid noticed the tears drowning her eyes, and he did not have the heart to upset her anymore. She was right. He needed to accept her decision, and let her go. "All right. I'm sorry."
Louise nodded sorrowfully and walked to the stagecoach. Kid helped her into the carriage and closed the small door. Through the window, Louise smiled sadly, and Kid approached. "At least you'll write to me, won't you?" he asked, brushing his hand over her left one, which rested on the door frame.
"What for, Kid?"
"I need to know you're okay… I need to know where you are… I just need to know about you. Please promise me you'll write."
Louise felt the urge to refuse his request, but his intense begging eyes were difficult to ignore, and she ended up agreeing. "I promise," she said, nodding her head at the same time.
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, the driver announced they were leaving. With a strong yank, Kid lost the touch of her hand, and the love of his life was snatched from him. Kid's eyes intensely kept staring at the carriage, and he could see her head craning out of the carriage and her hand stretch to bid goodbye. As he stood there, Kid hoped against hope that the stagecoach would stop, and Lou would leave the carriage, and run back to him with open arms. Then she would throw herself to him, and say he wasn't going anywhere, that this was her home, and they would spend the rest of their lives together. That did not happen, and the stagecoach sped up to become a minute dot on the horizon until it disappeared completely. Kid, though, remained on the spot, broken, disheartened, but still hoping his far-fetched dream could come true, and he would actually see her appear at any moment, like an angel who came to save his poor, wretched soul.
The door creaked open, echoing in the whole house, and even though he knew he was on his own, he whispered tentatively, "Lou?" Naturally, silence and the reverberation of his own voice answered him, and his face fell in disappointment. In his implausible fantasies, he really hoped Lou had somehow got off the stagecoach, and after reflecting about his request to stay in Rock Creek, she would have walked to the house, and would be waiting for him.
Silence was overwhelming as he roamed through the house. Suddenly, everything that was familiar to him felt too different. The house looked bigger, too cavernous and unwelcoming. If he spoke, he could hear the echo of his voice whereas just yesterday this silence had been filled by the warm quality of Lou's words and laughter. The smells that had turned this place into a real home were all gone, and this sudden disappearance made Kid more aware of what he had lost. Lou, the love of his life, the essence of his soul, the centre of his dreams, was gone, and her absence was so painful that he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs.
Kid walked into the kitchen. The cups and plates they had used for breakfast remained in the sink, evidence of her presence in the house this morning. Louise had intended to wash them, but he had managed to dissuade her, arguing he would do the job himself later. Therefore, true to his word, Kid now stood before the sink, pumped some water, and started washing the plates and cups. As he did so, he brought to mind every single breakfast they had shared in the ten months they had been married. Apart from their awkward start, meals were his favorite part of the day, and he looked forward to them. It was a pleasure to share those moments with Lou, enjoying long conversations, and laughing at the silliest jokes they came up with. From today on he would have to sit at the dinner table all alone, which would make him miss her more, increasing his very severe pain. Maybe he should start having his meals at the station with the rest of the riders. That would not make him forget, but at least hurting in the company of his friends would hopefully be easier to endure.
Once he was done with the washing up, his feet led him upstairs, and he found himself in Lou's bedroom, the very bedroom they should have shared if they had been a normal married couple. The place also looked bigger and naturally emptier. On the few occasions he had been here, Kid had understood that Lou was a woman of simple tastes, and did not like to be in an environment crammed with useless knick-knacks. Most of her things were gone now, but he could still see some of them.
A crumpled nightgown lay on the bed. Lou must have forgotten to pack it up when she got up that morning, and got out of it. Kid came closer to the bed and picked up the nightgown, and put it in one of the empty drawers of the dresser. It was on top of that dresser that her flask of cologne stood. Kid could not help himself, and as he took it in his hands, he lifted its cap. The fresh smell wafted into his nostrils, and he half expected to find Lou before him. Yet, she was nowhere, only her smell. She wasn't here today, and wouldn't be tomorrow, or the next day, or the one after that. The notion struck him too hard, and he quickly put the cap back onto the flask. However, he could still smell the soft aroma, her sweet scent, but he couldn't reach out for her, now or ever.
A powerful sensation overwhelmed him, and he staggered out of the bedroom as if he was fleeing from the flames of hell. This was more than he could resist. He couldn't stay here. He had to go. So his feet sped up, almost stumbling in his eagerness to escape his own pain, and when he reached the yard, he was literally running, dashing towards the stables. He had to get rid of all these suffocating sensations, and all he could think of was to let them out in the open. There was just one thing he could do. Like Teaspoon said, when there's a problem, run like hell. That was what he would do: run like hell because he did really have a heck of a problem.
