Chapter Fifty-Two: The Relapse

...

It was early afternoon, and a relatively slow afternoon at that for Joyce Madsen. Only the regulars were here, which served her fine.

So far for her, the only disruptions she had was Frank and his loud friend… or boss, perhaps. Whatever he was, he made Frank look like sweetheart in comparison. The two of them were talking aggressively and laughing about something only the two of them could make sense of. It had gotten so bad that she was on the verge of having to step up and tell them to respect the other patrons.

Thankfully for her, there was no need to step into the fray. Frank's friend took a call and had left about an hour prior, leaving Frank to revert back to usual introverted silence. It was such a strange thing being one thing for one person when you were something completely different the rest of the time. She did not understand how someone was able to do that. She was taught from a young age to live honestly and forthright. Came from that Texan Baptist life she fled from when she fell in love with that maverick and adorably sweet red head of hers.

Silently Joyce hoped that Frank would figure out who he wanted to be but, she respected it was not her journey. She had no idea what it was like being him.

Through her commiserations for the local weed dealer, she had not noticed that the doors to the Two Whales opened until the bell rung as the door shut. She looked up and found none other than the source of her progeny of her Chloe troubles standing there with that small grin that he passed onto to his child.

The grin was a little off, though. It did not meet his eyes. It seemed as though he was a little distressed or perhaps confused considering he seemed to be looking around the room subtly. His eyes coolly examining Frank Bowsers hunched over his chili.

"Well, well, well, playing hooky from work?" Joyce addressed James Amber, hoping to keep him from busting Frank on something that Frank inevitably was involved in. "I never would have guessed you had it in you."

James broke his focus from Frank and spread his lips a little more to smile for her.

"I took a day off, Mrs. Madsen," James returned as he saddled up on the bar and took a seat in front of her. "It's always a treat to run into you. How are you doing this afternoon?"

Joyce gave Rachel's father the evil eye. It was little wonder where Rachel had learned just how to get someone under the skin and somehow find it both charming and friendly.

"I'm doing well, James, and for the last time its Joyce," she reminded him with a mock sternness she reserved for Rachel. She leant onto the counter and added. "Now… what can I get you? Or are you here to cause me some grief?"

Without blinking, James briefly eyed the menu in front of him.

"Can I just get a golden potato omelette to go, and while we're here, some information..." he answered her with a sly casualness.

Eyeing James, Joyce turned away to file the order to the kitchen and when she returned, she had found him with his back turned to her. Once again he was staring down on Frank Bowers. This time, Frank was well aware of just who was paying him attention. Frank opened his wallet, dropped cash on the table and sauntered out of the diner without a word to either of them.

As soon as Frank had slammed the door behind him and all but ran to his RV, James turned back to face Joyce once more. He had reverted back to his friendly demeanour as though the interaction hadn't happened.

Joyce could not help but be chilled by it. There was something unnatural about it. She reckoned it had to do with the work he had. It took both an actor and a coroner. She had no idea how he was able to hold himself together in the days, weeks and months that that followed Rose's murder. He was able to keep it together and even work professionally with the boy who murdered her and David for his small incidental role in it.

"Your omelette is coming right up, but the information… now that can get a little tricky," she said as she stepped around the counter and took a seat next to him. "Is it about our daughters? Because I haven't heard from them in days; my usual source of information about the Rachel and Chloe odyssey hasn't been in the past few days."

The warm expression he hid behind collapsed and that worry he had been trying to hide was now on full display.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about that," James returned as he leaned onto the counter. "I haven't seen or heard from Sera in a few days. I don't mind it if she has her own things to do, but usually she's really good about breaking off plans and calling back. She's… 'Ghosting' if I'm using that phrase correctly…"

Joyce shrugged. Her pop culture and slangs ended sometime in the mid-nineties.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know what's going on, James," Joyce answered him truthfully. "She said she wasn't feeling well and asked for a week off. Sera's has been such a hard worker, she hasn't asked for time off since she came here. So I made sure that she got it."

James' lawyer eyes examined burned into hers. He seemed to understand that she had no reason to lie. He slowly nodded, looking uncomfortable as he did so.

"Good… good… thanks for that," he said absent-mindedly as he turned away. "How did she seem to you? Was she sick or what?"

Joyce examined James carefully. She honestly did not know what to say to him. James and Sera had a history of illness and mistrust. It was like she was prodding into a landmine field or a perhaps the No Man's Land. She had to be careful.

"I don't know for sure; but she was very… shy and a little scatterbrained for a few days before she asked for the time off," she delicately informed him.

Once again James nodded at the answer he received; this time, however, the worry seemed to be growing in him. As his breakfast order came in, Joyce reached out and touched his shoulder, convincing James to look up at her once more.

"Are you two doing all right?" she asked him, concern dripping into her voice. "I know it's not any of my business, but your situation with her seems… really complex. I guess you were doing good enough to keep it quiet from me for years.

A low chuckle erupted from James.

"I didn't tell Rachel about Sera for 16 years. I could keep it quiet from you for two years in my sleep," he retorted back. He exhaled, and glanced at her. Slowly, he added. "So…how is Mr. Madsen?"

Joyce sighed at the formality, but chose not to say anything. As much as it hurt to admit, she doubted that James would ever forgive David's irresponsible decision to bring a gun into the house not at the very least tell her about it and have a safe place for it. He would never see just how hut David was in the wake of that terrible misjudgement he made.

As much as she wished he would understand David's personal pain, Joyce knew from experience it was not that easy. None of the remorse that David felt would ever matter to James, just as the remorse to the man who collided into William felt was never accepted by her. When a heart gets torn apart violently just as James and hers had been at the hands of others, the platitudes of the guilty are rarely capable of mending the wound.

"David is doing well, thank you for asking," she said pulled herself off the stool to get James his breakfast. "You know, ever since he got the job, his confidence has been soaring. Chloe will hate it, and will hate having him on campus, but this was a good thing you did. I cannot thank you enough."

James stared at her; there was an expression on his face that she did not register right away. He seemed to be confused, a little annoyed and sort of amused. It was like he should have expected something. It was an expression Joyce saw a hundred times before on the face of Rachel as she navigated the complicated Price mother-daughter relationship, it was the look on her face when Chloe covertly drank half a bottle of champagne and told David's family that Rachel wasn't just a gal pal in the most lurid of details.

"Truth is I was only the influence. If it were up to just me, I wouldn't do it. I can't… forgive him so easily," James admitted, unblinking as he stared at her across the counter. "The only one who was in his corner was Chloe. It was entirely her idea to help get him the position."

Joyce felt her throat go dry as the new information was dumped onto her. Chloe… Chloe had never shown anything but antipathy towards David, and had openly mocked him for years. Hearing that she stepped up and convinced a man who had every reason to despise David to set it aside and help him instead… it seemed so odd of her.

"Can I offer you some advice?" James said as he pulled his wallet out of her jacket pocket.

James' hand extended towards her, clutching a twenty. His eyes staring across to hers as he quietly waited on her to give him permission to continue. Joyce exhaled and took the bill from him. As she opened the register, she nodded, keeping her eyes averted. She did not want to look into those eyes. James did not seem bothered by the avoidance; it was probably something he got used to given what he did.

"It's not so much advice as it is a reminder: You are an extremely prideful woman, Joyce. You don't take a lot of shit or praise constructively," he murmured as she heard him stand up from the squeaky stool. "Chloe has more in common with you than you probably think. Don't praise her about the David situation unless you want her screaming at you."

Waving off the attempt to give him, his change James collected his breakfast and made his way to the door. He paused midway before he turned back.

"I'll try to call Rachel tonight," he informed her. "I'll see if we can work out some actual communication between Chloe and you."

Before Joyce could tell James how much that would have meant to her. How much she missed her daughter, James bowed out of the restaurant, leaving Joyce temporarily dazed by the conversation.


...

As James Amber approached the home of Sera Gearhardt, he found himself in a situation that starkly reminded him of an era he never wanted to return to. Yet here he was now, attempting to navigate himself through the overwhelming fears building in his mind.

There were only two things that made him step forward and bang loudly on Sera's door. The cool professionalism he learned after decades of seeing the worst men and women could do to one another, and loyalty to Sera. For years she had proven herself to Rachel and him. In the wake of Rose' demise, she stepped up supported him in a way he never expected.

If there was something wrong with Sera… well, he couldn't just up and leave her to whatever it was that she was doing. He had to know, and he had to help her. At the very least she deserved the opportunity to be offered his help.

The door cracked opened and sure enough Sera appeared in the crack of the door way.

She was different than usual. Her head was hung low, and she seemed physically smaller. It was as though all the confidence she had been building these past few years had suddenly washed away. She did not even bother to greet him as she usually did. She instead averted her eyes and walked away, leaving the door open and the invitation into her home unspoken.

The lights were off and the living room – once immaculately put together – was a mess of dirty plates, clothing and blankets. It appeared to him that she was sleeping on the couch. James glanced at Sera's as she pulled off the blanket she was wrapped in and revealed her in pajama pants and a ratty looking vintage Einstürzende Neubauten shirt with cut off sleeves. He did not doubt for a second it wasn't their shared closet circa 1992.

He could still recall those carefree days as though they were only yesterday. This was back when he mistook her pixie-like mania to live life to the fullest and without a routine as something to be adored. All of this admiration he had for Sera's inability to adapt to responsibility was long before he knew better, before he saw all the relationship thy built together crumble and fall apart when responsibility was thrust into her life all of a sudden.

Things were different now, though as he reminded himself. Although Sera had regained a lot of James' trust in her, it was the little… nostalgic reminders Sera did that brought him back to his twenties and being unable to comprehend why she needed to self-medicate, why he thought she was so selfish, and not really understanding the deep rooted flaws in the wiring of Sera's brain. Most of all it reminded him of his failure to act.

Burning the bridge between Sera and him seemed like the only thing he was able to do. Looking back on it, he did not regret it. It was this act that led him to Rose, and as awful as it was to do to Sera, never for one moment would he ever feel guilt. Doing so led to a strong, stable love with a woman he adored for the time he had her. Still, while he had no regrets, he did acknowledge it was viciously cruel act. He funded her addiction, and looking back on it now, he did it in part with hope that she would end up like many junkies did. Cruel as it was, the only coping mechanism he had was to turn Sera from mentally ill self-medicating lost person into a selfish monster prepared to chase the high over live a normal life. It was wrong, sure, but it was just something that he had to do it to survive the first years of their separation.

Slowly but surely that story he told himself to survive this psychodrama became a rule of law until Sera showed up in Arcadia Bay a changed woman. It made him unwilling to trust her, going so far as to reach out to the bastards Sera was associated with to get rid of her, to scare her off from ever threatening the stability he had thought he created with Rose and Rachel. The day that they first reunited and he saw her clean and she started threatening him with legal action, a terrible plan started to concoct in his panic, involving forcing her to relapse.

When all was settled, it became such a stupidly evil act he barely could acknowledge it. One would think that after forty plus years of living on this planet, decades into adulthood and years serving as a district attorney, he would not be one to submit to the erratic breakdown when all that was needed was words to solve everything.

With this in mind, James followed the twitchy behaviour of Sera with an uneasy restraint. He had a hypothesis, but he did not want to jump the gun. He didn't want to accuse her of the worst thing she could have done without a little more interaction with her. So far… everything that she was doing reminded her of a time long ago. Long before she regimented her life as ridged as she had when she achieved sobriety. If this was what it was… if Sera slipped… well, he would not be the asshole he was years ago when he was terrified of the mere idea of her. With everything she had done… with how wonderful she was to step up after what had happened to Rose... she earned his good grace back.

"What can I get you, tea or whatever?" Sera asked him, her voice a little higher than her usual careful tone.

James merely nodded and watched as Sera was grateful to give her some space from him. She moved swiftly into the kitchen, leaving James to himself and a free hand to wander the living room, taking in the chaos she left behind. She had an expensive looking laptop on the edge of her coffee table and a cold cup of coffee next to it. The laptop was playing a manic sounding song, the singer breathing rapidly 'Don't leave me… all alone' to an almost Joy Division sounding guitar, bass and drumbeat.

While the post-punk served to heighten his worry, it was not exactly a cry for help he was able to identify. Even when she wasn't like this, he could always count on Sera's unquenchable need to listen to the darkest, most misery inducing music she could get her hands on.

Sera came out of the kitchen with two steaming mugs of tea and an expressionless face. She appeared to be examining him, trying to figure out just why he was here. James took the mug offered to him with an equally expressionless nod of approval. He pushed all the resurging feelings he had for Sera back to the wayside. He had to remain objective to figure this out.

"I haven't seen you in a couple days; you've basically ignored all my attempts at communication. Rachel and I spoke, and she said you hadn't taken her calls in three days," James pointed out to her. "We… I was worried."

Sera finally stared at him, her brow arched as she silently judged him. There were only two women in his life that could make him feel like so vulnerable. Rachel, who he thankfully had the parental authority over, and Sera, who at the height of her mental and physical health knew how to exert all the psychological pressures that could bend him to her will, until it all came crashing down on her.

Things were different with Rose, however. She and he were true partners. They instinctively fit together, and James found passion in her ability to meld into each other. Neither was the better half, they were equal in all the ways that mattered.

But she was gone now, and here he was, by himself, staring into the expression that allured and haunted him for decades.

"My life does not revolve around you, James," Sera murmured back to him, an edge of nervous energy reverberating from her words. "As for Rachel… she doesn't need me calling her every other hour. I took some time off for myself. I just… I got things that I need to think about."

Sera looked away. In her hands was an untouched pack of cigarettes clutched between her fingers. She appeared dazed and lost in her thoughts once again. As for James, he was left with only more questions.

"Like what?" he found himself asking as his concerns for her were once again spiked.

Next to him, Sera shrugged plainly as she chewed on her bottom lip.

"Like what I'm doing, I guess," Sera said as she threw her pack of cigarettes onto the coffee table. "It won't be long before Rachel is gone off to California, chasing fame or education… or whatever it is she wants. She won't need us soon enough; and I don't know what a sleepy Oregon town has for me once she's gone."

"Just because Rachel and probably Chloe will be heading south next year doesn't mean all the ties are going to get cut," James tersely returned to her. "You need to adapt, otherwise you'll just lose yourself. It's just something we'll have to get used to; and as much as you might want to, you can't just chase after her for the rest of your life. She needs independence, and you more importantly need stability, even if it means staying in this town for a while longer."

Sera did not acknowledge the advice, or his roundabout hit against her current state. He doubted very much any of it registered in her head. Instead she bowed her head, rubbing the sleep from out of her eyes.

"I don't want her to leave," she mumbled to herself childishly. "So I guess it just has me… upset."

"Upset enough to slip?"

The question on the tip of James' tongue finally slipped out before he could catch it. Judging from the confusion pooling from her Sera did not seem to understand at first just what James wanted to know. Feeling increasingly uncomfortable, James stood back up and placed him on the other side of the coffee table. Sera frail looking, the key word being 'looking'.

Frankly he wanted a wide berth between them. Just in case.

The seconds past by in silence, and what James had been inferring before Sera's expression turned cold and livid. He expected her to attack, and spit at the underhanded accusation. As much as he was ready for her, the worst thing happened.

She stayed dead silent. Her grey eyes burned into his, leaving him feeling suddenly overwhelmed and without a plan to exfiltrate from this trap. Like the old days, he was left to drown in the wave of Sera's emotive abilities.

But he was not a boy, pretending to be an adult anymore. He was not going to just let her roll over him.

"I want to know what's really going on, Sera" James cut through her deadening glare. "You're missing work, you're hiding away from me, and you haven't called Chloe or Rachel. I find it peculiar, considering you've never done that before. Rachel has been gone from Arcadia Bay for over a month now, so why is it only now that you're like this?"

James collapsed into silence. He knew better then to push any further. He was now riding a tight line between civility and the two of them going at each other like in the old days when Sera's manic moments clashed with his inability to empathize because of his priorities to a child's safety. He might have believed he was in the right but that didn't mean he was nice about it.

"Maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do," she bit back. "Maybe I know how to keep things to myself. I'm allowed to have a couple days off to myself. I spent years being on my best behaviour, so the least you can do is cut me some slack if I don't want to be around anyone."

None of this inspired in him any sort of faith in her honesty, mostly because she hadn't answered the question. The avoidance of others was a classic Sera tactic used in the worst of their time together. They may not have been together, and Rachel was all grown up, but it didn't mean he wasn't any less angry by her attempt to draw sympathy from him. If anything, her attempt at making him look like a tyrant only served to make him just as enraged.

James stepped over the coffee table and sat down on it. He leaned forward right into Sera's personal space, personal safety be damned.

"You have no right to take the high road on me, Sera. None at all. I've seen all of this before," he reminded her in barely more than a whisper. "I have trusted you for quite some time now; I don't want that to change. So, I need to ask you if you relapsed."

Sera stared at him with that now rare withering glare. It was the sort of look that told James that if they had not had as much history as they had together, she'd have broken the tea mug over his face and force fed him the shards of ceramic.

He could not blame her for feeling that way, but neither would he apologize for it either. The last time he accused her of using was the days preceding his abandonment of her when the truth came out. She was aggressive about being confronted about her substance abuse problems. She'd spit and curse at him like the truth was the absolute last thing that she ever wanted to hear from him.
It was the only time she seemed alive after Rachel was conceived.

Sera blinked, her eyes narrowed onto his. Her words came in cold.

"I haven't relapsed."

It wasn't good enough for him. He wanted it to be able to take Sera for her word, but all evidence pointed out of her favour.

"I… know that this is not about me, but I'm not mad if you did, and neither would Rachel. I thought I would be, but I'm not," he reassured Sera, well aware of the growing anger bubbling in the woman across from him. "I know how long you have stayed clean and I know that there is always a chance at relapse even now. If there has been a relapse, you need to know that I want to help you get back on track. I can get you professional help and we can work through all of this together."

Sera stared at him incredulously for his probably a little too politician sounding intervention. He expected an angry response, but instead, an absurd little chuckle spilled out from her lips. She leaned forward, her hands cupping both sides of his face.

"James, I love you. Even at my worst, most self-pitying I loved you," she informed him, the anger subsiding as she gazed into his eyes. "Even right now with you treating me like a liar, I still love you… but I'm going to say that here and right now you are an absolute fucking asshole."

That was enough to make James snap. He broke the hypnotic gaze Sera held over him and wrenched the hands off of his face and stood up.

"The last time you were sick and evasive, you abused my trust time and time again," he growled down onto her. "Once upon a time, I put my complete and utter blind faith in you, and you betrayed our family. You wonder why I'm such an asshole? It's because every action has an equal response. I didn't want to be this! I didn't want to turn into this, but you forced my hand. I sacrificed everything I was to protect someone from you! And I would do it again in a goddamn heartbeat!"

James turned away in growing disgust. He stepped back over the coffee table and wandered over to Sera's TV stand. He needed a moment to breathe and collect himself. As for Sera, she needed a moment to digest what he said. All these fucking years, he still doubted she fully understood why he left and the price he had to pay to for freedom from her darkest inclinations.

As he glanced back, he found Sera was sitting there in a strained silence. She was fully attentive now. That anger she had for his accusations was all but drained from her. It was their first real argument since she came to Arcadia Bay and the two of them both felt like shit.

Well… he did anyway.

"Sera… You and I… we have a history of terrible garbage we did to each other," James broke their silence. "But I want it to be that: history. That's what we were doing prior to today, burying that. I want to be open minded here. If you're in trouble, I want to help you, because believe or not, I care about you."

Sera nodded, but remained silent. As much as he wanted her to say something, it was an encouraging sight for him.

"I know that something is going on. I'm an asshole, sure, but I'm a stupid or ignorant asshole," "If it's not you using again, I still want you to trust me to help you, just as I've trusted since… since…"

Her name went unspoken between the two of them; Sera already knew and stayed just as silent as he had. There seemed to be a silent agreement that the two broken human beings that this living room held had no right to speak the name of a genuinely good person.

Sera exhaled, nodding once again. After a moment, she looked up to him and went his gaze.

"I'm pregnant, James."

Two words. All that it took to deflate the air from James' lungs was two words. He could feel his eyes widen as he searched Sera for any sort of deception. Sera sat there, silently staring right back at him. There was no deception, no manipulation of the truth. Instead, she stood up from her seat on the couch.

"Yeah…" Sera broke the silence, her voice amused as James stared back in a daze. "That's about how I feel right now."


Through the haze of the past, Sera could recall that James had reacted to their pregnancy in a fashion not dissimilar to this. Last time, however, by the end of the initial shock came total elation from him. He was beyond excited for the news. He pretty much spent the next eight and change months preparing for Rachel.

Of course she could have had it all wrong. A decade of opioid abuse had fucked up a lot of her memories of those days. A lot of it was a blur, a puzzle with pieces missing. But while a lot of the memories were damaged or lost entirely, she could still recall the radiate joy that he felt at the prospects of fatherhood.

She could also recall a second strong feeling: That was her complete lack of emotion she had for motherhood. There was no joy or hatred, just an empty void in her heart.

While she still did not know what she felt for this, for James at least this time was different. Gone was the youthful enthusiasm, and replacing it was an expression of resignation. All of it was completely tainted by the memory of how everything transpired last time they went through this. As much as Sera wanted to scream at the top of her lungs that she felt safe and secure and never going to go back to that dark place she fought to death to run from, she was not an optimist. She knew full well that what happened next was going to take a toll on her.

With that hard truth set in the forefront of her thoughts for the past week, she knew that she couldn't do it alone. She knew that James had to play a role. Even if it meant having to endure that obtuse attempt at an invention that entirely unneeded. As annoyed as she may have been by his lack of faith, it was nice to see that he cared enough to want to help her if something was wrong with her.

Together, the formerly married couple sat across from one another. Sera had refreshed his tea, but it was untouched. James' hands were covering his face; he looked like he was one bad thought away from having a total existential crisis. She could not blame him for feeling that way. It was not like either of them planned for any of this.

She couldn't even think acknowledge the unspoken third party that was off on her own summer ventures. How was it they were going to sit Rachel down and explain that there was a good chance she was going to end up with a sibling nearly two decades younger than she? Rachel had asked her to take care of James, not sleep with him.

For now, however, she focused on the here and now. She had another two plus weeks before Rachel and Chloe came home. By then she would start to have a sense of what she would tell Rachel. In all likelihood that would involve her sitting Chloe down first and hatching out a plan together.

"How are you doing?" Sera spoke up as sipped her tea. "You look tense. Maybe I can hit you up with a fix to ease the pain."

James looked up, his face weary as he stared at her. He seemed to be searching to see if she was being serious or not.

"That was a joke…at your expense…" she elaborated without a trace of emotion in her voice. "…Because you're an asshole who jumps to conclusions."

"Fuck you…" was James' half-hearted response

Sera did not even have to give a response. It was entirely unnecessary to answer it. Instead of that, the two of them looked at each other and thankfully James finally allowed himself to laugh. It was good to see a little life had returned in him. Perhaps they would be able to get through this or at the very least start the process.

"Jesus Christ… I'm in my forties, James. I finally got my shit together, and then I let myself have a little fun…" Sera spoke up to the now attentive James once again, permitting sarcasm to cross into her voice. "Ever since I had Rachel… when I was using, my menstruation cycle was spotty at best, and that remained so after I got clean. When I missed it this time I just let it slide because that was normal between that and my age…I guess I forgot to factor you in…"

Sera fell silent as James looked uncomfortable at discussing normal biological functions. God, he used to be so much cooler once upon a time. Age brought a certain amount of modesty to him. She supposed that was a good thing, one of them had to be a voice of reason on occasion.

As Sera sipped her tea, she eyed James as he stood up from the other end of the kitchen table. He sat down in the seat next to hers. There was a hesitance, but slowly he reached out and took her free hand. Sera did all that she could to ignore that familiar and damnable jolt of excitement of his affections. Now was not the time to play the blushing quasi-love struck girl. This was her ex-husband and the two of them had a big question they needed to figure out.

"What do you want to do? It is, of course, all up to you," was his carefully worded question. He seemed to be reserving his opinions for the moment. He did not want to flare up a fight over reproductive rights. That was not a fight Sera wanted either.

"That's something I was hoping that we'll decide together," Sera replied as she rested her hands on her lap and looked James in the eye. "As much as I hate to admit it, I'm just too old and too jaded to fall for the whole 'my body, my choice' bullshit. That's a young girl's façade… and I am far too tired to keep that up."

Sera smiled thinly as she reached over and took James' hand. Her spirits rose as soon as she felt James have enough sense to squeeze her fingers back. It was the little things that he did that reminded her of why she fell for him once so very long ago.

"I love you, James; and I respect you for everything you sacrificed for Rachel's happiness and security…" she whispered to him. "I feel like I can't just make an arbitrary decision over something we did together without you there in the decision making process; especially over something big as this, especially with the history that we have."

As she fell into hushed silence, Sera watched James' pondered over what it was that she was proposing. Whatever happened be it abortion, miscarriage to birth and a second shot at parenthood for her, she wanted him involved. She wanted to share all the heartache and the joy with the one person in her life that knew her inside out and still cared for her.

Finally James pulled himself out of his silent deliberation and looked back at her with all of his attention.

"We were about to kill each other about an hour ago, and now you want to go through a pregnancy together… as equals?" he pointed out to her, his voice full of healthy skepticism at the prospects.

Sera immediately nodded. The fact that James questioned her sobriety had hurt her, but it was a good sort of hurt. The small circle of people in her life that knew what she was walked on egg shells and insulated her from accusations. Accusing an addict of slipping was a difficult thing to do. The face James did it, and did it without using kid gloves to protect her feelings. It felt like someone gave a shit and wasn't just going through the motions.

"If I say yes, then that means that we're in this together, right?" he pressed on, unblinking. "Meaning I get to speak my mind, no matter how much it might pain you to hear it?"

Sera winced at the thought of having DA Dickhead (Chloe's moniker, not hers) on her case for nine months.

"Within reason," she allowed tersely. "You can say whatever you need to say, you just can't expect me to take it like a saint... it's probably better to get it out all soon before the hormones really kick in."

Her attempt at some sort of levity fell apart the moment she saw that James was not smiling. He was not in the mood to be teased. Considering the circumstances, she reckoned he had good reason for that.

"The last time we did this, you were not in a good place. I'm not just talking about motherhood, but the pregnancy as well," he recalled, growing regret tinging his words. "I tried to help what I could, but we both were still just kids handling a first pregnancy and times weren't so… enlightened…"

Although Sera did not acknowledge his words at first, she agreed. The environment of the mid 90's seemed so… medieval looking back. She could recall trying to talk about her feelings to her parents, and both of them just… stared at her like she was a madwoman.

She learned quickly not to rely on family from just one meeting and sought other ways to solve her pain. She would not blame them for her falling in love with a needle – that was her decision alone - but their indifference was adding fuel to a bonfire.

"No, our parents weren't exactly helpful with advice," Sera said thoughtfully as she pulled herself away from the dark thoughts. "What did your Dad say again? "James, you got no reason to be going to those faggy Lamaze classes? You're a man, son! The doctors are getting paid for a reason."

Sera smiled as she watched James bury his face into one of his hands. James father wasn't exactly a proponent for the modern age, even for the mid-nineties. He certainly had his opinions on Sera. None of them were nice; but all of them were painfully correct.

"Yeah… not my father's greatest moment, was it?" James replied, sounding exhausted as he pulled back to look at her. Allowing a flickering smile, he added. "I tried my best, you know? But I was over my head. We both were."

That was something Sera wholeheartedly agreed with. James had the best of intentions, but best intentions didn't always equate to saving a life. Not when she was actively working against his desperate attempt to help her. They were both too young and James was ill prepared for the levels she was prepared to delve into.

"You helped as much as you could to lift my spirits," she agreed, squeezing his hand. "But… James… James, I was ill. I was ill in a way that all of your efforts and good intentions couldn't fix. It was not your fault."

James remained completely still; as he seemed to come to terms with her attempt to clear him of whatever guilt he might have felt. He was a tough man, hardened by a career and fifteen years of isolating himself from these feelings.

"I know that now," he spoke up as he looked up to her. "I spent… years thinking that it was my fault, or that I didn't do enough. Even now, know what I know, I still would be out of my element. I'd still be making nice gestures but…."

"It wouldn't be enough," Sera finished for him.

Sera and James held their eyes on each other for a while longer. It was still daze for her at least to be having this sort of conversation. James looked as though he was holding back, or deliberating something. Whatever it was, Sera permitted him a small encouraging smile. Thankfully he seemed to take the hint that they could not be partners in this if he didn't speak his mind.

"Our situation is better this time," he pointed out to her, his voice lighter, as though he was trying to find some silver lining. "We know better how mental health affects pregnancy – both in theory and our own experiences together. So, if you are willing, or need one, rather, you could go and see a professional from time to time to check up and confide."

Sera inspected James as his words washed over her. It was a surprisingly painful thing to hear. That someone thought you needed a professional. However, she would likely benefit from that sort of personal care. It was that pride induced self-destructive thinking that she needed to work out.

"I… don't think you are wrong to suggest that, a professional would be a correct course," she admitted to him slowly. "I would prefer that to be done on my own. I care about you, James, and you know more about me than almost anyone else; but this has to be at my pace, okay?

James nodded, if he wanted to protest he decided against it for the time being.

"… And perhaps we could see someone together," she added shyly, moving her chair a little closer. "I think we both have to have a stronger relationship together. I'm not saying we have to get married or anything, just… we have to be less explosive with each other. We don't need to have to take cues from our daughter about how not kill each other..."

She watched as James emitted a small chuckle at the thought of the two of them having to take cues from Rachel and Chloe about successful relationships between polar opposites. Sera could not help herself; she wrapped her arms around James and pressed her lips against his.

"There are a lot of things I want to talk to you about," she said into his ear. "And for starters we're quitting smoking together."

Sera could not help but take a little solace in the miserable groan James emitted.


Probably going to stick to these two for a couple of chapters. There's a lot I have been wanting to explore for quite some time. Songs lyric from The Soft Moon - Dead Love