Christian and I have our first session together with Dr. Flynn today. I'm kind of nervous. I don't know if I know how to open up to him about everything. We're quiet all the way to Flynn's office.
"Christian. Ana. It's nice to see the two of you. " Flynn says
"You too John. " Christian says
"So how are things between the two of you? " He asks
I say nothing. They both look at me. When I say nothing Christian speaks.
"Well I guess I'll answer. Honestly they're not that good. John. " he says
"What's wrong? " He asks
"She's broken. Everytime I touch her, she freaks out. Everytime I try and kiss her, she turns her head. I know what she went through was horrible, but all she does is push me away. " He says. He looks like he's going to cry
"Is that true Ana? " John asks
"Yes." I whisper
"Can you talk to us about this ? " John asks as he looks at me
"I don't know. I just don't know. " I say and put my knees up to my face and hold them as I begin to cry
"Ana? " Christian asks
"Give her a minute Christian. " Flynn says to him. When I calm down I look back up at them
"Ready to talk now? " Flynn asks
"I don't know where to start. " I says
"Anywhere you feel like. " Flynn says
It take a few minutes and then breathe in and then out.
"I just don't feel good enough anymore. " I say
"Care to elaborate? " Flynn asks as Christian stares at me his eyes full of dark sadness.
"Ever since the rape, something has went cold and dead inside of me. I'm no good to be around. The only thing that keeps me going is my little boy. He's so innocent and he doesn't know of all the cruel things in this world. He's all I feel like I have. " I say
"Christian would you like to say anything? " Flynn asks
"Ana, I love you. And I understand that you went through something horrible , but I'm still here. All you have to do is let me inside. All you have to do is trust me. " Christian says
"I know. I just don't know how. " I say
"We can start there. " Flynn says
"What do you mean? " Christian asks
"Trust. I think after what Ana went through it's understandable that she would lose trust in men. It's very understandable. What if the two you went on a mini vacation just the two of you? Away from everything here. Away from your family. Away from Teddy . Away from everything with work and Linc. It could be good. Ana, you can learn to trust Christian again and to let him in. And Christian, you can learn to be listen. To just be there for her. " He says
"What do you think? " Christian asks me
"I could do that. " I say quietly. Maybe it could be good for the two of us
"Okay now that we have that down, how are you coping with the Rape? " Flynn asks
"I thought I was handling it, but everytime I hear his name, I breakdown . He sent me flowers and I've seen him twice. " I say
"How was that. Well the first time he called me a slut. And the second time Christian attacked him. I know you said I'm not supposed to blame myself, but I can't help it. If I had just gotten enough strength to fight him off this wouldn't have happened. " I say
"Ana,. You must not blame yourself. You were a victim. Let me ask you something. Did you want to have sexual intercourse with Linc? " Flynn asks.
"No." I say
"Did you want him to do all the things he did to you? " he asks
"No. " I say
"Then you're not to blame. " He says
"If anyone is to blame here it's me. He did this to you to get to me. " Christian says
"Christian, this is not your fault! " I snap
"She's right, Christian, this isn't anymore your fault than it is Ana's. " He says
"Listen I think the both of you have issues you need to deal with. Christian you blame yourself because , he wanted revenge for what you and Elena did. But you have to remember you were fifteen when that started. You were a kid. A lost kid at that. She took advantage of you. That wasn't your fault. Neither is this. And Ana you need to come to terms with what happened to you and learn to accept it. And when you do that things will get better. I know it may not seem like it, but they will. You two just need to get away together and sort things out. The sooner the better. " He says
"Thank you John. " I say
Christian drives on our way home. Occasionally, he looks over at me.
"Are you going be quiet the rest of the way home? " He asks
"Sorry. I just don't know what to say. " I say
" Is this vacation really something you want to do Ana? I mean we do not have to. " He says
"I do want to. I just want to fix us. I'll miss Teddy though. Do you think your parents will be okay with watching him for the weekend? I feel like he's been over there a lot lately because of me. " I say
"Ana, you're going through a really hard time, they understand. " He says
"Okay. " I say
"Where do you want to go. ? " He asks
"I don't know, Christian. Somewhere nice. Somewhere peaceful. Somewhere away from everything that's happened. " I say
"Okay. " He says
:"I love you Christian," I say touching his hand that sat on his arm rest.
"I love you too baby. " He says
When we get home, we spend as much time as we can with Teddy before we leave.
"Are you ready to go?" He asks as we say goodbye to Teddy when we drop him off at his parents house. I kiss Teddy's forehead and explain to Grace all the things he likes and dislikes at night and what he eats and how many times a day he needs to be fed. Christian says I was just stalling because I didn't want to leave him.
"Yes. " I say
"Where are we going? " I ask as we sit on the plane
"We're going to Florida for the first two days. Then on our last day to Georgia.. " He says
"Georgia? " I ask
"I heard that conversation you had with your mom a few days ago. I thought you'd like to see her. " He says
"I … I don't know. " I say
"We don't have to. I just thought you'd like to see her. " He says
"I do miss her, It's just she knows me Christian. She'll know something's wrong. " I say
"You could always tell her. " He suggests.
"I can't. I mean what would she think of me? " I ask
"She would think the same thing she always thinks. That you're beautiful and strong. And you can do anything you set your mind to. " He says as I smile
"Okay" I say
