Rick stood leaning on the railing of his front porch. His stated reason for being there was to get some exercise and fresh air. However, his real purpose was to watch the northern lights. He never tired of watching the most incredible light show on earth, and it never failed to comfort him. He once told Kayla that the lights were God smiling at us. Tonight they were particularly exuberant, shimmering and dancing to the heartbeat of the universe.
He was about to return to the cabin when he heard the screen door open and close softly. He instantly knew it was Kate. Perhaps it was her scent, that unique scent that he once loved, but now tended to make him nauseated.
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" Kate spoke softly.
"Yep." Was the most he could muster before he choked and went on a coughing spell that sent sharp stabs of pain through his body like shards of broken glass.
When the coughing subsided, he pushed off the railing and hobbled painfully toward the door. Kate intercepted him and raised her arms as if to help support his weight. He waved her off. "Don't touch me Agent Beckett."
She dropped her arms to her side looking as shocked as if he had struck her. "Why can't I help you back into the house?"
He stopped and weighed his response, deciding that brutal honesty was the best policy. It would be hard on her, but the little demon that was the dark side of his soul wanted to hurt her like she had him. Finally, he spoke. "From the first time I met you, I had an overwhelming physical attraction for you. And today I find that I still do. If you touch me, I might lose control. I don't think either us want that."
"We need to talk." Kate answered beseechingly.
"There you are mistaken, Agent Beckett. We don't need to talk about anything that I'm aware of. "
"Rick, please, there's something I really need to say."
Rick thought back to the tongue lashing he'd received from Kayla, and as much as he didn't want to admit it, Kayla was right; the gentlemanly thing to do was to hear her out. "All right Agent Beckett, say what you have to say."
"First, I want to say how truly sorry I am…"
Rick held up his hand, "Stop right there Agent Beckett. You being sorry doesn't butter any biscuits for me. If that's the best you've got, then we might as well go on back inside and play Scrabble or something."
Kate was a bit taken aback by the vehemence of his response. "What can I do to make you love me again?" She asked, half expecting another outburst.
Instead, Rick's voice dropped to a level just a little above a whisper, and his tone turned gentle. "I still love you Agent Beckett, I always will."
"Then why….?"
"Why aren't we sharing a bed? Why aren't we cuddling on the couch?" He said as the bitterness started to creep back into his voice.
"Well yes those too, but I was going to ask why you won't use my first name."
Rick's brow furrowed as he weighed his next words. "Because using your first name would imply a degree of closeness in our relationship that no longer exists."
"Are you saying that there's no chance for us?" The hurt in her eyes almost tore him apart, almost compelled him to take the three steps that separated them and gather her into his arms. But there was infinitely more at stake here than a cheating girlfriend. He had to be strong and focus on what he had to do to keep Orion from falling into the Russian's hands.
"I think that is a high probability." He stated reluctantly. "It would take a miracle to unravel this mess."
"You can't find it in your heart to forgive me?" she begged.
"I forgive you" He stated with all seriousness.
"What did you say?" She whispered.
He met her gaze squarely, "I said I forgive you."
"Then we can…"
"Go back to the way we were?"
She nodded, troubled by his expression, about as flat and neutral as a human face can be. There was not a trace of either anger or joy. She would rather that he was angry. At least that would denote some spark of passion that could fanned into flame. But now, all she could detect were cinders and ashes.
"Highly unlikely, agent Beckett. You see forgiving you doesn't imply trusting you. I could never be with a woman I can't trust implicitly."
"Rick, I promise, nothing like that will ever happen again." She stated fervently.
"Agent Beckett let's suppose we were married. It's a natural question to ask what would happen the next time some young, charming, suave, sophisticated pretty boy stud muffin decides he wants you to light his fire?
"Rick, I would never do that. "Kate protested.
"Agent Beckett, you already did. That horse is well and truly out of the barn."
Bitter tears coursed down her cheek.
