Title: "Jean Havoc: A Work In Progress"
Author: havocmangawip
Editor: anat-astarte and leaf_the_invisible who was a fabulous pinch hitter!
Disclaimer: I don't own it... I wish I did. I could BUY my own coffee house, and then my lattes would be free.
Warnings: As always, this work of fiction is as true to life and frank as possible. I'm not about to soft soap this. It could get messy.
Chapter 51: Impact
It was Monday morning. To add insult to injury, it was also raining.
I could hear the pitter patter against the window; I'd always loved the rain as a kid growing up back East. It made the crops grow and that meant everything to farmers. Good harvests meant good money for my folks. A good grain crop was our bread. Arms sales were just the butter. For fun I jumped in puddles, much to Ma's chagrin. But I also enjoyed watching fat drops hit my bedroom window where I was warm, dry and bundled under the covers.
In the city it was different. Instead of smelling tilled fields and fertile soil, freshly mown hay and meadow flowers after a storm you smell dirty pavement. Trash from the streets sets sail in the gutters. It was worse now with the chair. No matter what I tried, if I went out I came back a sodden, muddy mess. That would put a damper on anyone's day.
I did not want to get up. Why would I leave a warm bed and Sciezka to go out where it was cold and grey for an appointment with Doctor Parker? There wouldn't be any more news, at least not good news. It's been almost a year now, no further progress. I can accept that. But to see it in print, delivered in medical terms? Not on a Monday and not in the rain.
I didn't tell Sciezka about the appointment. I probably should have, no, I know I should have. Why put a damper on our weekend? It was raining then too, but we stayed by the fire drinking wine. Rain is fine then.
Why go out into the storm when my whole world is right here?
The cold damp air makes my back ache, but a hot shower usually helps. The sooner I get up and get out, the sooner the examination will be over.
I'll tell her the results as soon as I get home.
Or, at least, I'd think about it.
"You have made impressive progress in the last year Mr. Havoc," Doctor Parker remarked at the start of the exam. "Everything my colleagues and I have learned is being used as a teaching model around the country in cases like yours."
"I'm glad it's helping other people," I replied. "Not to be disrespectful, but can we get on with this? A year checkup in my case is a formality at best, right?"
He sat down next to the examination table, so he could talk to me without looking down at me. Maybe he was developing a bedside manner after all.
"You're right, there has been no change. The instrumentation stabilizing your vertebrae is holding up well and hasn't shifted. Your organs and systems are working well. You aren't experiencing skin breakdown. Physical therapy has kept muscle wasting, joint contracture and bone density loss in check," he answered calmly.
"So no news is good news this time?"
"That is my professional opinion. But the nurses on your old ward have been gossiping... "
I grinned; maybe he was human after all. "You heard right. Sciezka and I are getting married in May. Be on the lookout for an invitation."
"It will be an honor to attend. You are a success story, I hope you know that. Given the odds..."
I interrupted him, "I try to remember that on days like today, when I come in looking and feeling like a drowned rat."
"Did you have any other questions or concerns? I don't want to cut this short, but I have rounds soon," he replied sounding sincere as he stood up and shook my hand.
"With the wedding and everything..." I began tentatively. "Well everything I have going on below the belt, are children out of the question?"
He sat back down before replying. This didn't bode well.
"I'm sorry, but I don't have an answer for you. There just isn't enough research."
I nodded and then replied, "Thank you for being honest with me. At least there was some good news this visit. I'm not getting any worse. It could always be worse."
"Keep doing what you're doing. That's my recommendation."
He closed the door and left. I had improved since my last evaluation. I could get off the table without assistance. That was definitely something.
I was disappointed that he didn't have an answer about whether or not I could father children. But that could be left for later. He hadn't said it was impossible either. For now I'd push it aside and think about the good news.
I didn't have a physio session scheduled and Sciezka was picking Al up at lunch time. It was a few hours before I had class and office hours. It was the perfect opportunity to talk to Doctor Kohut.
After I parked the jeep in the faculty lot I made my way to the humanities building. The sky matched my mood, dark, as I cursed the puddles collecting on the sidewalk. I should have taken a cab, since I'd have less ground to cover if I got dropped off. That was something to consider for the next term. It would run winter to spring, snow and mud.
My favorite things...
I stopped at the cart in the lobby and bought a coffee. Perhaps that would improve my mood or at least warm me up. Doctor Kohut must have had the same idea. He came in out of the rain, a newspaper over his head in a failed attempt to keep dry.
He greeted me from across the lobby saying, "Beautiful weather isn't it?'
"It'd be perfect if I was a duck or a fish," I quipped.
He chuckled as he wiped the water droplets off of his coat and then ordered a cup of coffee.
While he waited for his order to be up I asked, "Do you have some time to talk right now Doctor Kohut?'
"I don't have class for another hour. I came in to do some paperwork, but that can wait. Speak your mind Jean."
"If it's not too much trouble, could we discuss this in private? It's personal..." I replied hesitantly, trailing off.
"Sure we can use my office and remember, it's Seth when we're not in class."
We took the elevator to the third floor where his office was located. He took off his coat, shook it out and hung it up. Once he sat down I pushed my chair closer to his.
We were both quiet until he said, "I can tell that something is bothering you. Is everything fine with Sciezka?"
"Everything at home is going really well. The dog even gets along with the cat. It's probably a false alarm. I'm reading too much into the significance..."
"It has been a year now, hasn't it?" he asked bluntly.
"On Friday actually. I had an annual review with Doctor Parker this morning."
"How did that go?"
"He didn't find anything new, which is a relief. I'm in great health... considering. I'm doing everything right. He said something about my course of treatment and rehab becoming a teaching model."
"So why are you here? I have a hunch you're not giving me the whole story," he pressed.
"I have mixed feelings about the anniversary. Should I be proud about what I've accomplished in the last year? Or should I be mourning everything I lost that day?"
"Jean... does it have to be one or the other? What were you thinking of doing to mark the day?"
I paused for a moment before responding, "I may take the day off and spend time alone. I guess I just need some space. I opened a whole new can of worms too, like I didn't have enough on my mind."
"What else is going on?"
I shifted uneasily in my seat, pushing up on the rims to change position and finally answered his question, "I asked him if having children would be possible some day, given my condition."
He nodded and then asked, "What was his professional opinion?'
"He didn't really have an answer. He doesn't know. There isn't enough research. There aren't too many guys who have lived with this for decades... now with treatment that's a possibility. The doctors have been focused on keeping us alive, not helping us have a life."
"Not knowing must be frustrating. Are you upset about that? I'm here to talk any time."
"I'm doing alright, considering. It's better than the answer I got about walking; it's not a 'no' yet. I'm in a pretty good headspace. I feel strong."
He replied warmly, "So after thinking about it, what's your plan? Tell me if I can help in any way. I can give you a copy of my lecture notes. I don't want to see you on campus on Friday."
"Thanks Seth, it means a lot. I think I'll ask Jim to drive Al to the hospital and see if Sciezka can take the pets over to Gracia's on Friday. I'll give Julia the day off too. That way I won't have everyone feeling like they have to pussyfoot around me. After that I think takeout at home with Sciezka, a quiet night in, would be a good end to the day."
He smiled as he said, "It sounds like you're prepared. Feel free to call if you think of anything else, as a friend or a therapist. She'll be mad if this gets back to her, but I wasn't completely caught by surprise by this conversation. Riza called me last week to give me the heads up."
I shook my head in disbelief and then replied, "I would have been livid even a few months ago. It's good to know she still has my back. I don't have to face this alone. So if she won't shoot you, could you tell her thanks for me?"
"I'll do that. Are you ready to head to class? Can I hitch a ride in the elevator with you?"
"It's the least I can do. I may as well share the perks," I replied cheerfully.
"In that case, go have a cigarette too. I know you're itching for one Jean."
After class and office hours I went straight home. The rain hadn't let up all afternoon; in fact it was raining harder. I was soaked to the skin by the time I got to the faculty parking lot and into the jeep.
When I got home I had a cigarette on the porch before going inside. Thankfully the bag under the seat of my chair was weatherproofed. Wet cigarettes would have been the limit for me. It was chilly, but I was sheltered from the worst of the weather. With any luck I'd drip dry outside so I didn't make a mess of the floors.
I made a beeline for the bedroom after I got inside to take a hot bath and change into dry clothes. I had the house to myself for now. Sciezka, the boys and Tiny were nowhere to be seen. As I eased into the water I sighed. It was good to be home.
Warm clothes and a nap would put me right. Hopefully they would fortify me for the discussion I knew I had to have with Sciezka.
I'd been asleep for about an hour when Sciezka came in to wake me. She curled up next to me on the bed and after she got comfortable remarked, "You got an early start this morning."
Shit, she'd noticed. Now I really had to come clean.
"I had an appointment at the hospital with Doctor Parker."
"Oh, I didn't know that," she said, sounding hurt. "Are you ok?"
"I'm fine; it was just a periodic evaluation. There's been no change. I haven't gained or lost any sensation or mobility."
She frowned and I quickly added, "We already knew all that. He says I'm in great shape. Jim and I are keeping the possible related conditions in check."
"So even after the trip and being held for questioning you're fine? The interruption in your routine while we hid out didn't set you back too far?"
I pulled her closer and hugged her tightly, "You and I did pretty well keeping me together, but I did have to make up for lost time while I waited to go get you. But you're right, there's been no further muscle mass loss and my bone density is good."
She kissed me tenderly before replying, "I'm glad it was a good checkup. Did he tell you anything else?"
"You and everyone else will be relieved to hear that my butt is holding up just fine," I joked.
She laughed. "That is very good to know. So you're sure you're feeling fine? It's not like you to nap unless you're forced to," she pressed concern shining in her eyes.
"Blame the rain. I was cold and soaked when I got home. Since no one was here I figured I'd take advantage of the quiet."
She sat up and massaged my neck and shoulders as she said, "I thought about you today while I was at Gracia's."
I cocked an eyebrow as I replied, "Oh really and did you picture me a sodden mess, trying in vain to light a wet cigarette?"
She shook her head and sighed sounding exasperated, "Yesterday by the fire was nice and we should do it again..."
"That's a plan I can get behind. What do you want for dinner?"
"I was thinking Xingian. That way neither of us has to cook or clean," she replied. "I feel bad for the poor delivery guy, dragging him out into the storm, but we'll make it up to him with a bigger tip."
Sciezka called in the order while I set the table. When she got off the phone she said, "You've got two place settings too many. The boys are over at Russell and Fletcher's place."
"And the dog?" I asked, hoping she was up to something.
"Tiny is at Gracia's. Elysia is campaigning for a puppy and Tiny is the dress rehearsal."
As I pulled her towards me for a kiss I asked quietly, "So we have the whole house to ourselves?"
She nodded, then picked up where I'd left off, kissing me passionately.
This looked quite promising.
In the morning Sciezka and I stayed in bed longer than usual, just holding each other. When I attempted to get up to start my routine she blurted out, "I know what Friday is."
I flopped back against the pillows as I replied, trying to cover my irritation, "You do? Who told you?"
"Between your appointment yesterday that you informed me about after the fact and simple arithmetic I figured it out," she stated quietly.
"I didn't want to bring it up before I'd had a cigarette and a cup or two of coffee, but you're right. I wasn't sure how to approach it really."
She took my hand, squeezed it and whispered, "Do what you have to do. I'm here for you and I love you."
Friday morning came quickly, too quickly in my opinion, though it couldn't be over fast enough. Sciezka was nearly dressed when I woke up. She sat down next to me and said, "Are you sure about this? I'll just be at Gracia's if you decide you don't want to be alone after all."
I pulled her closer to me and kissed her tenderly. Her offer was very tempting, her perfume intoxicating. I could spend the day in bed with her. Distract myself and run away from my memories and regrets. As painful as it might be, I needed to consider the events of the last year, the good, the bad, the nightmarish and the sublime.
"I will see you tonight," I replied after careful consideration. "Thank you so much for understanding, for not being hurt that this is something I have to do alone... "
She hugged me tightly, kissed me again and then as she twisted the ring on her finger said, "Try to think of the good things too."
As she left the room I said quietly, "That's the only thing that keeps me going."
I lay in bed until I heard her leave. As I showered and went about my hygiene routine I attempted to quiet my mind. School and work could wait, so could chores and plans. I had the whole day to work through this. I'd planned for the worst and so far I didn't feel awful.
Once I was dressed I went into the kitchen to make coffee. I liked to drink it while I wrote in my journal. That and truthfully I'm not human in the morning until I've had a cup or two. A cigarette helps as well. I got the percolator out and was looking for the coffee without success when I saw a note on the icebox. Underneath bread, milk and eggs was "coffee" in all capital letters.
"Well damn!" I cursed aloud even though there was no one to hear me.
I went outside for a cigarette and noticed I was low on those too. The best laid plans often go awry. Looks like I'd have to be out in the world for as long as it took to buy coffee and smokes and, if I had my way, no longer.
There were light snow flurries as I got into the jeep, but it wasn't accumulating and the roads looked fine. I didn't even need to brush off the windshield. It took no time at all to get to High Street to stop at the tobacconist and the coffee shop. They roasted their own beans and I'd never drink military coffee again if I could help it. My stomach couldn't take it anymore. I downed a small coffee before I left.
I didn't feel like going home yet. Maybe I'd drive to the outskirts of town. Driving usually cleared my head. Since it was snowing and could take a turn for the worse on short notice I nixed that idea. Instead I took the scenic route home, passing H.Q. via Amestris Parkway. There weren't many cars out, likely due to the weather.
It was only November but city workers were already hanging strings of white lights in the trees, decorating for the Winter Solstice. Celebrating the longest night of the year was a throwback to the ancient religion, but I still loved it. The snow flurries dusted the lights and banners as they were set in place, the frost of winter was already settling on the tips of the evergreens. The lights in the trees lining the parkway would be beautiful once it really started coming down. I started thinking about the scent of freshly baked cookies and the taste of creamy frosting. My mouth watered in anticipation for the savory aroma of days and days of holiday meals. I pictured a huge roast goose with sage dressing, mashed potatoes and all the trimmings at a table surrounded by my friends and family. A warm fire, roasted marshmallows and some cognac to mark the occasion, and at least twelve days and nights of me and my girl...
Suddenly a car sped past me on the right, and narrowly avoided clipping the rear fender of the jeep. I laid on the horn and then checked the rearview mirror. No wonder that jerk was going so fast; he had military police on his tail! Their lights and sirens were blaring and I signaled to pull over and get out of the way.
I looked over my shoulder to make sure it was safe to change lanes and I heard the squealing of tires and the crush of metal against metal. The car that passed me had broadsided a car in the intersection! There was nowhere to go that was clear. I applied the brakes but didn't have enough time to stop. I was desperate to avoid a collision. The safest thing to do was to point the jeep towards the median and hang on.
I hit the tree with a sickening crunch.
