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Chapter 48

Almost

(Part 1)

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They had been drinking at a battered-down bar downtown and a pleasant buzz had settled like a slow flow of blood inside his veins, distant but warm and present in that controlled way Zoro was used to. But it wasn't the buzz playing with his composure at the moment, that much he knew.

He felt warm breath ghosting near his ear, mindless yet provocative words being thrown his way in that low raspy tone he'd learnt to fear as much as he feared a too-high dosage of Terevera's star drink as far as its addictive effects and lack of self-control it brought with it went. His skin broke into goose-bumps as he tried his best to ignore the meaning of the words intended to taunt him, but nothing could be done about the suggestive voice molding them or the way it made his stomach drop even if he detached the words it spoke from it.

"We are in public," he informed with his most put-together expression, arms still crossed in front of his chest like he wasn't the least bit affected, pose casual like he was his usual disinterested self, leaning back against the bar counter like he didn't need the slight support it offered him.

He angled his head a bit to the side to make stern eye-contact with Sanji, who was far too close for comfort, smirking in that knowing way of his.

"No one's watching," the blonde countered, unconcerned. "As far as they can tell we're just conversing."

Zoro restrained a grunt. Sanji was right. There was nothing out of place in the way Sanji was leaning towards him, speaking in his ear. Sanji knew how to control his body to tell the story he wanted it to tell and there was a distinct difference between the way he looked when he flirted with a woman at a crowded bar and the way he was currently positioned towards Zoro, casual, not giving away what was being said or the tone used. If no one heard him speaking the way he'd been doing for a while now people would probably assume he was conspiring with a man who looked like a thug more than someone who'd allow any kind of flirting to begin with.

"You're a manipulative little shit," Zoro chewed out, face now completely turned towards Sanji, their noses dangerously close now, and the blonde's grin grew wider. Zoro wanted to kiss it away, bite those lips until Sanji didn't look like he knew he had the upper hand.

"Pleasure to meet you," Sanji teased, amused.

The moment his eyes settled for predatory again and his lips parted to speak once more, Zoro planted a hand above them, scowl tinting his features.

"I'm not putting up with anymore of the filth coming out of your mouth for tonight," he stated, visibly annoyed. There was an undertone of tension and urgency to his voice as well, though, and Sanji picked up on that faster than lightning. He bit the inside of his palm, forcing Zoro to retreat with a hiss, and used the chance to talk.

"Oh ho, are we afraid we're gonna pop one if I keep the dirty talk up?"

Zoro forced the heat away from his cheeks and used it to fuel his glare.

Sanji snickered, proof enough that he'd drunk one too many beers, although he was perfectly capable of knowing what he was doing. Hell, he knew what he was doing all too well.

"Aw, embarrassed much?"

Zoro's hand flew to Sanji's shirt and fisted it, bringing him a tiny bit closer as he covered his embarrassment with a pissed-off scowl.

"If you want to rile me up, do it in the goddamned bedroom."

Sanji's eyes widened for a second, slightly taken aback by Zoro's sudden bluntness, but he was fast to relax his shoulders and show him a lazy smirk he knew made Zoro want to push him against a wall and follow through with whatever happened afterwards.

"Sounds like you'd like to be riled up some more," he taunted.

Zoro growled and tried to pull him against him, but Sanji was fast to get rid of his hold and put some space between them before someone could begin to imagine what was actually going on.

"There's a hotel nearby and we've got enough of our allowances left to rent a room," he calmly stated, lighting himself a cigarette.

Zoro watched the movements, wary yet entranced, full of anticipation but also of dread. If he agreed he'd have another day to add to his list of 'tomorrow'. Saying yes would mean feeding something he should've let die a while ago. Yet Sanji lifted his eyes to gaze at him, eyelids hooded as he attempted a read on him, and his lips moved to roll the cigarette around them, and Zoro ended up nodding with his own eye lost in the piercing blue that he wanted to be fixed on him all night long.

Another promise of tomorrow it was, then.

He'd been dealing with his feelings for almost three weeks now, keeping them bottled up and at the brink of spilling. He'd only been managing to cage them in by the thread of a hair, and only because he'd consciously been putting himself in a position of control every single time, which made it easier to keep his mind clear.

He'd been a mess.

For all the times he'd woken up thinking that day was the day where he grew a pair and did what had to be done, he had failed every single time.

Tomorrow.

Today… Maybe tomorrow.

Now. No, tomorrow.

Tonight- tomorrow.

Zoro kept telling himself, tomorrow, and he kept indulging whatever moment he could share with Sanji because those moments calmed him down and brought him temporary happiness, and he knew they would come to an end, so why not gather as many as he could before he was brave enough to do what he had to? Fuck the reasoning telling him that this would only hurt him even more later on. Every single time he thought of ending it but couldn't because Sanji was being Sanji and Zoro was falling harder, he thought fuck it. He'd deal with this later.

It was always later.

It wasn't like him at all; this was probably the most out-of-character thing he'd ever done in his entire life, but Zoro didn't care. Because, sure, losing control was scary as hell, but if he could scratch another moment out of thin air he would without a doubt. Which was an even scarier truth.

He got better at hiding his brief fleeing-inducing crisis and his almost I love you's, to the point he could practically ignore it if he just thought about something else, if he focused his attention on whatever he was doing with Sanji whenever that hit him.

And… it wasn't that bad.

He was stuck in that limbo of wanting, not having, and knowing he'd make himself lose what he already had out of his own volition, and most of the times that felt oppressing, but Zoro thought he could manage.

Perhaps he didn't have to end it yet, he thought when they entered the third week after his big revelation. He was well aware that he was only letting the feeling fest inside him, un-preparing him for a harder fall the more he waited it out. He knew it was best if he just cut the bullshit and did what he had to already. But, for the first time in his life, he was scared to jump. Both towards Sanji and away from him. For the first time in his entire life (and he hoped it was the last) he was most cowardly comfortable while being stationary, stuck somewhere that wasn't the best it could be and was clearly heading for the worst but wasn't the worst yet.

For the first time in his life Zoro wasn't acting like himself and he wasn't fighting it, because it meant he was not pushing Sanji away from him just yet. For the first time in his life he was leaning towards waiting it out, even if he knew nothing good would come out of it.

He told himself all of this when he was alone, and at night, and it frustrated him and made him angry at himself, but the moment he saw Sanji he couldn't find any semblance of resolution left inside him.

It was most definitely gone as Sanji pushed him against the bedroom wall once they had booked a hotel room for the night. Zoro had the mind to kick the door shut, but that's as much as his wits allowed him to do before he was lost in the way Sanji kissed his lips, his face, his neck and collarbones, and then dropped low.

Zoro stopped him as he lifted his shirt from under his pants and kissed his belly, his hands not as steady as the swordsman would've liked.

"Not here, come on, we have a bed," he urged, using the break to try to calm down and get a grip.

That was one of the problems he had to deal with while being in that limbo. He had to be very much aware and in control of his actions every single time he did something with Sanji, else he knew he'd end up blurting something stupid out by accident, and at the moment that was one of the few things that scared him shitless.

Sanji looked up at him and smiled his best teasing smirk.

"Who knew a caveman would care about such things."

Zoro lifted him up by yanking at his shirt, more aggressive than he intended to be. "You're always bitching about your back hurting after we do it on the damn floor, you could at least appreciate me bothering to-"

"Right, right," Sanji cut him, batting his hand away and striding towards the double-sized bed just to let himself flop on it and throw a relieved sigh. "A soft bed where we can fuck is a rarity nowadays; gotta appreciate it when we have one."

Zoro watched as Sanji positioned himself to stare at him provocatively from bed, not in a particularly sensual way, but rather in their usual challenging one, which tended to work a thousand times better.

He was tragically gorgeous, that bastard. He'd ruin him, Zoro thought. But it'd be no one's but Zoro's fault.

"So?" Sanji urged, and he sounded playful.

Zoro doubted, and Sanji caught it, a faint frown creasing his eyebrows.

"Everything alright?"

It wasn't, but it's not like he could let Sanji know. Moments like this one, where Sanji taunted, challenged, played with him, was a general little shit just to annoy him and rile him up… those were moments Zoro couldn't deal with too well. If they were angry at each other and had sex out of anger or frustration it was a tiny bit easier in the sense that Zoro didn't have to think it through. It had become as much an automatic way of dealing with each other's stress as fighting was, and Zoro didn't have to put much thought into it unless he purposefully dwelled on it. Moments like the current one, though, when they were together for the sake of being together and having a fun, Zoro couldn't help but feel that terrifying warmth creeping in his stomach, the one that pushed him to say words he feared saying out loud, words he shouldn't even be entertaining at all.

And with that warmth came the dread and the never-ending question of 'what the hell are you doing?'.

He brushed it off. Like he'd been doing for three weeks now every single time those feelings had hit him square in the face.

He put himself together and walked towards Sanji instead, lightly pushing him on his back so that Zoro could kneel above him. Sanji smiled up at him, visibly relieved. Zoro buried all of his anxiety at the bottom of his skull; present enough to keep himself in check but not as much as to not let him act naturally.

"More than alright," he answered with a slight upward quirk to his lips, which Sanji swiftly pecked at only to make it grow into an actual smile.

Zoro was so fucking weak.

"Well, get to work, then," Sanji commanded, and he playfully shoved Zoro's head south.

"Oi!" Zoro protested, batting his hand away easily enough since Sanji wasn't actually putting up a fight. He straightened himself to properly face him again only to find Sanji laughing from behind his teeth, that endearing crinkle of his cutting through the bridge of his nose.

And there it went. One of those moments when Zoro wanted to whisper love confessions against his lips like a prayer, uncontrolled and raw, utterly sincere, nothing like his supposedly detached self would or should do. He swallowed a slight choking sensation down his throat and told himself to focus.

"What do you want?" he asked. Then he kissed the corner of Sanji's mouth, quick and lingering at the same time. "Gonna make you feel good, you just gotta say it, mhm?"

Sanji shifted beneath him, meeting his eyes with an amused spark in his own. "Are you going to be selfless and giving tonight? Who would've known riling you up at the bar would make you so pliant," he teased, kissing Zoro's jaw. "And here I thought you'd be angry enough to get rough."

Zoro's hand crawled up the expanse of Sanji's chest until his fingers curled loosely around his neck, applying the tiniest bit of pressure to make their presence be felt. Sanji's breath hitched.

"Is that what you want?" he muttered, voice dropping down to a low rumbling tone.

Sanji was fast to open his mouth to say something, but he dropped it altogether as he closed it back and looked to the side. Zoro didn't like what hesitation did to Sanji's face, so his hand travelled from his neck to his jaw to nudge at him to face him.

"C'mon, what do you want me to do? You know I'm game for everything, you don't need to hold yourself back."

It was a partial truth. Zoro was game for everything, except for love, which was currently clawing at his insides with insistence anyway, but there wasn't much he could do about it at the moment unless he wanted to end the deal mid-foreplay, which would be the biggest dick-move he would ever pull if it came down to it.

Sanji hesitated again the moment his eyes met Zoro's, and that's when Zoro got a sudden vague idea of where this was going, his stomach dropping and a dizzying vertigo sensation taking over him.

Oh.

For some reason and even when he hadn't had any actual hint of what was in Sanji's mind until something had just clicked inside his brain after seeing his expression, realization hit him a few seconds before Sanji finally opened his mouth to speak, but they didn't amount to Zoro figuring out what to answer or what on Earth he should do, not even when the consequences of what Sanji was about to ask were already being mentally listed down for him, none of them looking pretty.

"I want to top."

A few seconds' worth of mental preparation wasn't enough to keep Zoro from freezing where he half laid half kneeled on top of Sanji.

He stared down at him, eye wide in shock despite having already guessed what was coming. Sanji's were just as wide, almost scared, but he was decently composed. Decidedly determined.

And Zoro's stomach dropped, something akin to fear invading him now that the request was finally hanging heavy in the air between them.

He should say no.

For all his sanity was worth, he ought to say no right away. Back down, look for an excuse and get himself out of this one, or perhaps even going for the kill and actually ending this, dick move or not be damned. He couldn't do this to himself, he couldn't be that much of a hopeless idiot. He knew he'd been the one to put that matter on the table three weeks ago, even when he had already known it was a dumb move and an encyclopedia example of a mistake. But that had come out of his compulsive need to place Sanji as high as he could when Sanji himself was bringing himself down or sacrificing his own wants for the sake of others. Zoro needed to work on that severe lack of self-control, but there was little damage-control he could do three weeks after having fucked up because of it.

Still, he told himself he couldn't allow a failure of judgement to happen this time around. It wasn't about this whole issue lacking any kind of brakes anymore, it was about the very real danger that putting himself in a position that left him without control represented.

He'd seen it on Sanji; whenever the blonde let Zoro take control (and yes, that only happened when Sanji made a very conscious decision to put himself in his hands and lower every single one of his defenses to show himself raw to Zoro's absolute will, which hadn't happened that many times since Sanji always kept a bit of himself to himself), Sanji changed. He became something Zoro was still coming to terms with, something that unraveled the most vicious desire to own and control Sanji and the impossibility to not try to. There was something feral awakening in Zoro every time Sanji showed that side of himself, something akin to starving hunger that was born from the knowledge that Sanji had no walls around him at all but was instead terrifyingly bare for Zoro to see. Zoro had to wonder if he was as good at sex as to merit Sanji's absolute honesty and trust at times like these, since he knew for a fact that Sanji had a general problem with baring himself, but in those moments it didn't seem to matter to him. Probably because he had nothing to hide. Zoro, on the other hand, had the biggest secret he'd ever held inside himself that could easily be exposed if the situation got reversed and Zoro became the one being torn apart by Sanji's surely capable hands and drive.

The problem wasn't bottoming; the problem was losing what little control he had over the situation while he put himself in the most vulnerable situation he could picture when in Sanji's hands. Sure, he managed to keep his wits when Sanji took control and owned him despite not being the one topping, but he just barely managed, and he was almost certain that the control he'd give Sanji if they switched positions would overshadow the one he'd given until now in the blink of an eye. The very real possibility of sending it all to hell because of a slip-up, not to mention the fact that if he accepted he would give himself to Sanji in all the possible ways he could've done so and thus carve his own grave faster and make the fall harder, hit him like a slap in the face.

He felt something similar to panic gnawing at his stomach and did his best to remain composed, but no amount of pulling himself together could prevent his momentary mental break-down threatening to show behind his pupil, which was more than enough for Sanji to read him. Had it been anyone else, Zoro could've fooled them. He could've played it off as nothing being amiss, he could've pretended he was simply mulling it over. But it was Sanji. He'd be lucky if the only thing he could read on his face was the fact that he was scared.

Which is apparently what he read, because he was fast to let himself fall back on bed and place both hands on Zoro's shoulders, nudging him away; his way of giving him a way out.

"It's fine," Sanji reassured him as he swallowed his own nerves and pride after having finally mustered the courage to ask and being rejected. Zoro saw it. He saw the way Sanji put himself aside again for the sake of Zoro's stability. He hated it. "We can do something else, we don't need to do this," he kept telling him, but his eyes kept darting elsewhere, only staying on Zoro's long enough for it to be a recognizable failed attempt at trying to get the message across through eye contact in his most reassuring way.

Zoro could almost hear the blonde's nerves spouting out of his mouth, even as he did his best to sound casual and fine with everything. Sanji pushed at him a bit firmer, trying to put some distance between Zoro's rejection and his own shattered pride like nothing had happened.

Before he could talk himself out of it, Zoro was pressing closer, fighting Sanji's resistance until he caught his eye, fingers ghosting above Sanji's cheek and breath coming out in shudders.

"I can bottom," he whispered. And he sounded goddamn convinced for how much his brain was screaming at him to back off and, please, for heaven's sake, don't break your own heart even further, what the hell do you think you're doing? "I want to," he added for good measure, as if that was going to shut up all of the alarm bells at the back of his head.

Sanji shook his head. He had already seen Zoro's anxiety, and the bastard was selfless enough not to allow himself to buy Zoro's sudden act of confidence.

"We're fine, you don't need to do that."

"I told you I want to."

"Your hands are trembling, Zoro."

They were. Something about the unexpected softness of Sanji's voice when he said that settled on the wrong side of his heart and made it hurt. Why did Sanji do that? Recently, there'd been a few times when Sanji's voice would come out as soft when he spoke to him, something that put Zoro's stomach in twists and made him confused enough to wonder if it was actually directed at him or not, but he couldn't for the life of him understand where that came from, nor did he want to. He didn't want Sanji's kindness. And, for all of Sanji's insults, taunts and provoked fights, that's the only thing he'd been giving him since pretty much the beginning. Masked and not intended to show as kindness, sure, always under a veil of grumpiness, but it had been touching Zoro every single time, and he didn't need that. It only hurt. It made him feel cared for, and it made him feel weak.

He couldn't help the almost sad smile that took over his face. He was weak. Nothing like the strong infallible and heartless swordsman people assumed he was, the invincible man he'd trained so hard to become. Just how defeating could love be? Just how strong a weapon could those kind blue eyes become?

His brushing fingers ended up involuntarily caressing Sanji's cheek with an emotion Zoro hadn't intended to pour on the gesture. It made Sanji visibly stall, eyes wide as he stared up at him; initial understanding shifting to confusion. Gestures like this one had been on the rise for a while lately, specially coming from Zoro, for which he cursed himself every time, and it wasn't enough of an unseen rarity for it to be telling on itself, but Zoro still hoped with everything he had that Sanji wouldn't read between the lines.

His hands were trembling indeed. They weren't steady against Sanji's cheek nor was anything inside of Zoro.

"I wasn't expecting it, that's all," he told him, sounding far more composed than he felt. "I am fine, and I want to give it a try if that's what you'd like. I told you you have the right to ask, didn't I?"

"And you have a right to say no," Sanji stubbornly replied.

Zoro pinched his cheek and got a slap against his hand and a glare in return.

"I mean, you look like you enjoy it when we do it. Can't be that bad. I'm kind of curious."

Zoro tried to tell himself there wasn't a blush coloring Sanjis' face the moment his obvious enjoyment of their endeavors was brought up.

Sanji looked to the side, eyebrows furrowed.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"And you won't."

"Pretty confident in my skills, aren't you?" Sanji said as he stared back at him, some of his cockiness back.

The little smirk he pulled was so playful and so much like Sanji that Zoro thought this madness he was about to throw himself into was worth it.

He was hopeless and an idiot.

And he wasn't going to let it show.

Instead of whispering praise against Sanji's lips like his heart ached to do, Zoro let himself flop to Sanji's side, on his back and with his arms and legs spread like a starfish as an invitation. He turned his head towards Sanji and smirked at him, aiming for seducing but sounding and looking utterly ridiculous.

"There we go. You can have me. Take care of me, darling'."

You can have me. God, could he carve his own grave any deeper? It sure as hell looked like some suicidal part of him wanted to keep on trying.

Sanji scrunched his nose as he sat up by his side, sending him a judging glare.

"Call me darling again and you'll be taking care of yourself for the next foreseeable year."

Zoro laughed and reached for the front of his shirt, pulling him down towards him and forcing Sanji to brace his hands against both sides of Zoro's head. Their lips brushed through Zoro's challenging smile. A smile that didn't convey how much he was considering praying to a God he didn't believe in for his heart not to rip in two through it, for his lips to stay closed and his truths to stay locked deep inside.

"Make me feel good, will you?"

And he did.

Boy, did Sanji make him feel good. He made him feel all kinds of good that came with the bittersweet taste that the way he touched him felt like a completion Zoro had never asked for or wanted.

Zoro tried to talk him into doing it from behind, if only to have an excuse to hide his face in the pillow and muffle dangerous confessions against its fabric, but Sanji kept him on his back, insistent and absorbingly controlling from the moment Zoro had given him the go.

"I don't want to have to guess," he told him as he searched his eye for signs of discomfort the way Zoro had done the first time they'd been together.

And Sanji might've never been in the position he was in at the moment, but he'd been on the receiving end of it enough times to figure out how to make it feel good soon enough, faster than Zoro had managed the first time they did it; all awkwardness and blind-guessing gone, and Zoro cursed him a bit for it. He cursed him for being such a dedicated lover that he'd put his whole being into making Zoro feel like he was melting. He cursed him for the gentleness with which he pried his forearm away from his face the moment agile fingers started opening him and Zoro felt the cowardly need to hide the raw emotions threatening to show in his face. He cursed him for the way he kissed his scarred eyelid the moment he was finally inside him and Zoro scrunched his eyes tightly shut because the need to start crying was overwhelming and terrifying. The kiss made it worse, but Zoro didn't cry. He wouldn't. He wouldn't.

"Does it hurt?" Sanji asked, and it came muffled with the white noise at the base of Zoro's skull, with the effort he was putting into remaining composed.

It did. It hurt. But not down where they were connected, not where Sanji was inside him and everything burned and ached. It was an overwhelming burn and ache and it made his breath come out stuttered, but that wasn't what hurt. What hurt was Sanji's hands caressing his face and his side to calm him down as he kept himself still to let Zoro adjust, warmth awakening goosebumps in Zoro's skin where Sanji's fingers touched him. It was the way he kissed his scarred eye again and then placed his lips against his cheek and peppered him with fluttering kisses that were supposed to reassure him but only made it hurt more. It was the way he placed them against his pulse in what Zoro knew was his concealed way to feel his pulse and assess just how put together Zoro was before he did anything at all.

But what hurt the most was his chest. His heart held into a fist and threatening to spill past his lips in the shape of three simple words that had never felt so honest and defining. He valiantly resisted the urge to place both his hands on the sides of Sanji's face to whisper them against his lips, swallowing it down instead and letting out a shaky breath that had Sanji staring down at his face again for any signs that something was wrong.

And it was. Everything was wrong, but it felt so goddamn right. It felt so much like things were falling into place, where they belonged, in Sanji's arms… Zoro hadn't stood a chance to begin with.

"It doesn't hurt," he choked out. He ended up reaching for Sanji's face anyway, but only when he thought he could keep his honesty in check, and he pulled him closer to brush their lips together. "Move for me, c'mon."

And Sanji did and it was hot and all kinds of wonderful and emotionally painful. For how many times Sanji had taken the lead and Zoro had felt owned, they didn't compare to how utterly bare and vulnerable he felt at the moment. And here's the thing. He felt the safest he'd ever felt, there, vulnerable in Sanji's arms, with Sanji tearing him down to the seams through warm kisses and caring fantastic hands, his hips working a miracle and muddling Zoro's brain in a way he wasn't sure would leave him unscarred once this was over. The only place where he didn't feel like he was safe at all was his own brain, a war alight as he tried to hold the I love you's back, only barely keeping them in. Sanji's carefulness wasn't helping. This wasn't fucking, Zoro had the lucidity to think. This wasn't love-making, it couldn't be, because Sanji had no love to give him (and that thought shouldn't hurt that much, damn it, that was something he'd known and accepted from the start), but it wasn't their usual fucking either, just like it hadn't been that one time when Zoro had realized he loved the man currently treating him like he was something important and worth taking care of.

Sanji hit that spot that Zoro had always associated with the blonde unravelling for him, a spot that was now unravelling Zoro down to his core as he threw his head back and gasped, mouth left open in a silent moan. Sanji kissed the sweat off his throat and then his chin, reaching for his lips as soon as Zoro's arching lessened.

"There?" he asked, watching him intently and sounding vaguely satisfied with himself. There was the ghost of him being a cocky little shit in his tone, but it didn't overpower the actual giving nature of it; the way Sanji was reaching for straps to make it the best possible for Zoro.

And Zoro couldn't take it. Zoro couldn't take all of that kindness in stride without breaking, not when his self-control was at the lowest point it had been in years and just a heartbeat away from dissolving into nothingness and dooming him by means of raw truths passing through his lips.

"Don't treat me like I'm going to break, come on, be rougher," he growled against Sanji's jaw, hoping with everything he had that Sanji would follow through and save Zoro the pain that came with those worshipping hands and the gentleness those lips full of sin painted on his skin.

But the universe has a way of being cruel sometimes, and Sanji didn't comply. That's possibly the most selfish Sanji had ever been in his life (or at least that's what it felt like to Zoro's strangled heart): choosing to be selfless in his giving to Zoro instead of chasing his own release through the roughness Zoro had asked for. Choosing to make Zoro see the stars with slow languid movements and almost-sweet caresses, lingering heated kisses to every patch of skin he could reach, making him feel so good he stopped thinking straight. That's not what Zoro had wanted. At some desperate point where he knew he was at the very edge of breaking down in a burst of honesty, Zoro wished it would end fast. He didn't need Sanji's absolute dedication and terribly fantastic gifts in the package of kisses and passionate touches; he didn't need those hips working wonders and sweet nothings he didn't understand nor did he know where they came from whispered against his ear.

He didn't think he'd ever moaned as loud or as much. He had the mind to be grateful that moans were the only thing coming out of his mouth that made sense instead of a barely held-back confession.

He felt like he was melting. It felt like he was burning and a whole lot like he was falling, the only thing keeping him there in a palpable way being Sanji's arms around him.

"Is it good?" he breathed, still focused but completely out of breath. Still doing his best to make Zoro believe there was a heaven up there and, maybe, just maybe, he'd reached it by some kind of miracle.

"Be rougher," Zoro managed to groan, stubborn in his attempt to detach this whole thing from how breathtakingly emotional it felt. What was a miracle was him keeping himself together enough to not fuck up yet.

Instead of obeying, Sanji kissed his cheek, not the ghost of a kiss or a brushing of lips, but a solid, punctuated, loud and warm kiss that was followed by one of Sanji's snickers and Zoro's heart breaking a bit more with how much it swelled.

"Is it good?" he repeated, teasing.

Zoro stared up at that smile and felt something violently waver inside of him. He opened his mouth to insist, but the moment he did so he knew his next words were going to be I love you, so he threw his head to the side with his eyes closed shut in an attempt to gather himself, a slight wave of panic at what he'd been about to say washing over him.

Shit.

Sanji ran a hand through his spiky hair and Zoro both loved it and hated it.

"You okay?"

Zoro groaned and tried to keep himself grounded as he scrambled for an answer. "You're a little shit."

Sanji broke off into a big grin the moment he assumed Zoro's frantic stall had been due to him being either mortified or trying to keep how good he was feeling out of his expression, unaware of what was going on inside of Zoro's head.

"What can I say. It's not every day that I get to see you this undone and pliant; might as well make it worth our time."

Bastard.

Zoro turned to glare daggers at him, but next thing he knew Sanji was ducking to reach for his ear and hot breath hit his humid skin.

"You don't have the slightest idea how good you look like this, Zoro, I swear you don't".

And it was so honest, so hot and so… why did it sound like dark praise thrown to someone worth worshipping?

He couldn't help the drawn-out low moan that escaped his throat from behind his teeth as Sanji moved like the slow powerful waves the ocean moved in when a storm was being hinted at the horizon.

He couldn't help the desperation clawing at him and making him scramble to reach for Sanji's face like he needed it in his hands for breathing.

"Sanji- Sanji, I-"

And he cut himself short by biting his lip. Hard. He couldn't. He couldn't, what the fuck was he even thinking.

Sanji kissed him until he released the flesh caught between his teeth, until he was no longer hurting himself, and there was something so soft and warm and careful in the way he did so and kept kissing him afterwards like it actually mattered if he hurt himself or not, that Zoro almost said it again.

"You drew blood, you caveman," Sanji told him with a frown, fingers where his lips had been, his body still moving over Zoro and making it hard for him to remain put together.

Zoro nudged those fingers away, but his hand grew a will of its own and he ended up grabbing them instead.

"You shouldn't care," he told him instead of telling him he loved him more than Zoro himself could understand how to.

Something in Sanji's expression fell, but he didn't attempt to withdraw his fingers from Zoro's loose hold.

"You gave me a speech about caring not that long ago," he replied, and Zoro hadn't been expecting Sanji to go on that tangent, so he stiffened the slightest bit. He was speaking about the day before Zoro realized he loved him. That day escaping from Tashigi's men, with Zoro getting angry at Sanji for being soft with the enemy and Sanji spiting that Zoro shouldn't care; a reminder that came a bit too late since the next morning came with the scariest revelation of Zoro's entire life. "Something about nakama being supposed to care."

That's not what Zoro meant. Zoro was clever enough to know that the level of caring he directed towards Sanji went way past the one he'd owe a nakama, but that's not the point his hypocritical-self had been trying to make at the time. He had been rational about it, he'd said it matter-of-factly as the first mate, because that's as matter of fact as things got. They were nakama and they were supposed to care. End of. He hadn't yet realized what he felt for him back then, but Zoro was suddenly not sure that the whole point had been made exclusively by him as a first mate anymore. It should've been. Zoro's feelings shouldn't have had anything to do with what he'd said at the moment, but Zoro wasn't sure about what was driven by those feelings and what was his rational-self speaking anymore.

What he was sure of was the fact that 'caring' wasn't supposed to include kissing away the pain of a self-inflicted cut on his lip. Much less if it came from Sanji. Nakama are supposed to care, but, at least when it came to the both of them, caring didn't mean any of those intimate gestures and kiss-it-better's. And it was fucking hypocritical for him to even consider that after all the fussing he'd done around Sanji, but that was still not something Sanji should be doing from his end because Zoro's slip-ups were only half justified by him being a love-struck moron, and Sanji wasn't one, and playing that game was dangerous. Zoro knew it better than anyone.

Zoro tried his best to pull a deadpan expression from under his sleeve even when everything inside of him was unsteady.

"It is a goddamn cut on my lip."

Sanji rolled his eyes, dropping the subject in favour of kissing him again, his lips stained with red by the time he pulled back.

"You're still a caveman."

"Who wants you to be rougher, what part of that didn't you get?" Zoro snapped, kicking his heels to the back of Sanji's thighs to get him to move in a way that left Zoro breathless for different reasons than the ones making it hard to breathe right now.

That brought a grin back on Sanji's face.

He ended up complying, and Zoro ended up shouting as he came, grateful that what came out of his mouth was Sanji's name as it was knocked out of his raw throat instead of those three dreaded words.

It took a while for his pulse to calm down enough not to leave him deaf and for his eye to focus on something that wasn't blinding white, but he wasn't entirely grounded until he felt Sanji pulling out and curling at his side, warm and way too close for someone who claimed he didn't like cuddling with a goddamn heater.

He felt his grin against his neck. "Rough enough?"

Not enough to make him numb and stop him from feeling, but it's not like he had a chance to start with, not with the intensity Sanji was capable of packing in his touch and not with how far gone he was already.

"I could've taken it harder," he petulantly responded, aiming for casual, like nothing was amiss.

Sanji snorted and rested his cheek on Zoro's chest. Zoro had half a mind to change positions so that Sanji couldn't feel the way his heart was beating, but he ended up resigning to staying still so that Sanji could relax.

"Was it good, though?"

The second question came with a certain amount of wariness and hesitation, and it gave away how much Sanji had been trying to make it good for him, to make it worth his time. It warmed Zoro's entire body, and it made it hurt a bit more.

He would've joked, told him it wasn't too bad, if only to stick to tradition and not risk giving himself away, but he knew they were dealing with one of Sanji's insecurities, one that had taken months for him to voice out and act on, so he grew a pair, steadied himself, and went for honest instead. Sanji deserved that much, no matter how much hell was going on inside of Zoro's head.

The thing is, whenever Sanji showed that side of himself, a little less confident and a lot more human than the always-in-control image he usually portrayed, Zoro needed a few seconds to adjust. The first time he'd seen Sanji showing weakness had been back in The Rock, and he thought they were about to lose him. His defeated stance and lost eyes, his expression haunted by nightmares and memories together; they had come as such a shock to Zoro that things had ended up the way they had because he didn't know how to deal with it. When Sanji had looked small and about to give up, despite fighting with claws and teeth against his own destructive brain, Zoro's continuous thought had been: that's not him. That's not the Sanji I know. And it felt so wrong and out of place that Zoro hadn't known how to take it; he had probably made a bigger deal out of it than it was worth and he had felt at his craziest while trying to bring him back, putting his own sanity at stake in the process because things didn't add up and Sanji looking and acting the way he did wasn't the way Sanji was supposed to look and act, and that drove Zoro up the wall, and he ended up becoming obsessed. Look where that had brought him.

It hadn't been that bad since then, and he hoped it would never happen again because he simply couldn't stand Sanji looking like that, but ever since they had started getting closer Zoro had gotten more and more glimpses of a Sanji that wasn't as cool and composed as he'd always assumed he was. Insecurities scattered here and there, moments where he was as lost or more so than Zoro, moments when it was Zoro's turn to pick him up instead.

There had always been a balance between them in which they both put their weight down for the other in case one of them lost their footing and stability, but Zoro had always seen it as having each other's backs. It wasn't until he'd realized that their balance also applied to the emotional and personal department that Zoro came to terms with the fact that they were both more of a crutch to each other than they'd like to admit.

And with that came the realization that, when it was Sanji who needed the crutch, there were reasons as to why; it wasn't the mere fact Zoro had always accepted without even considering why Sanji needed one. And thus he started spotting the insecurities and the missteps, everything that stood behind Sanji's always composed façade, and Zoro's perception of him changed. Where he'd once thought 'that's not Sanji', Zoro learnt that he'd been wrong all along. Quite the contrary.

That was Sanji.

He was the cool and smug bastard who was always two steps ahead of the game and kept everything under control; he kicked ass and he smirked that smirk of his and carried himself like he owned the place, and that was him. He had annoying mood swings and cursed like a sailor and his temper was a bitch to deal with, and that was him. He provoked and fought, he got under Zoro's skin and riled him up until Zoro saw red, and he pissed him off big time, and, oh boy, that was him. He chased skirts and pretty faces looking like a dumbass and embarrassing himself more than anyone with a bit of common sense would, cooing and being ridiculous altogether, and that was him. He sang praise about wrinkled faces just as easily too, always being a gentleman, and that was him. He cooked for anyone who asked for it; he wouldn't let a soul, friend or foe, go hungry under his watch, and he didn't know how to not be kind, and that was so much him that Zoro's chest felt constricted at the thought. He had a strong drive and the conviction of a dreamer keeping him moving forward without looking back, confidence seeping from each and every one of his pores in everything he did, and that was Sanji and Zoro loved him.

But he was also his insecurities and his flaws, his fears and the fragility of his dreams, trembling hands around a cigarette when he was nervous and afraid to fuck up, short gasps when he woke up after a nightmare with Zeff's name in his lips, the recipes notebook he'd written with wobbly calligraphy and a drive not many children had when he was a brat, soft tones and childish smiles, the crinkle of his nose, and an hyperactive brain that sometimes needed to be shut down through kisses or a hug Sanji not so discretely sought in Zoro's arms or in a fight. He was all of his contradictions when he put distance between them and battled his own doubts on his own to later come back to Zoro and let him have him even though he was a man and a man had never been part of the plan. He was the way he carried more burden than he could hold and tried to keep it to himself instead of letting anyone help, and he was all of those months of not asking to top because he felt like he had someone to disappoint if things didn't go right. He was the uneasy tone behind his voice asking Zoro if it had been good even after Zoro had been sent to heaven and back by Sanji's precious hands.

Whenever all of that showed, if in less of a dramatic way than it had in The Rock, Zoro couldn't bring himself to think that's not him anymore, because Sanji was everything he'd ever assumed he was and everything else behind the mask, flaws and all.

All of that was also Sanji, and Zoro loved him even more.

"It was great," he murmured against his hair, squeezing him tighter in his arms for a fleeting moment. "Honest."

Sanji sighed and relaxed, and Zoro felt a bit better with himself.

"And you got it up," he told him, tone a bit more playful. "See? No problem, you didn't disappoint anyone. Your manliness has come out of this one intact."

Sanji lifted his head to glare at him and Zoro grinned like the asshole he was. The blonde made an attempt to get to the other side of the bed in his outrage, but Zoro chased him against his better judgement and kept him close, arms wrapped around him and laughter breathed against the nape of Sanji's neck for every insult and half-hearted kick he received until they both settled down.

Not too long after, Sanji's breathing was even and light snoring filled the room, testimony to Sanji's exhaustion after having put every single fiber of his being into making this one of the best rounds of sex Zoro had had in his entire life, close to being number one if not for the many nights they had already spent together that had been amazing as well and were also piling to take that spot.

In the quiet of the room, Zoro's brain re-activated again, the last remaining walls he'd kept around a hollering I love you finally being able to relax and all of the alarm bells and several should-and-shouldn't-haves biting back at him with vice; the reminder that this had been a terrible idea resounding in his very bones. He didn't need to be a fortune teller to know this had only fucked him up further and tangled their messy relationship that he was supposed to leave behind three weeks ago, mind him, even more. With how far he had allowed things to go and after having taken that one last step, it was bound to be a disaster when Zoro finally stomped his foot down and looked at Sanji in the eyes to tell him this was over. It was already a mess, and it would only get messier, both for him and for Sanji, because God knows Sanji would have the right to flip shit after how much Zoro had been dragging this when he could've cut it from the start. He didn't know how to stop it in a way that let things die out a bit before striking, and he had no way to if he kept getting closer and closer to Sanji instead. There would be no reasonable way to explain him fleeing out of nowhere, and Sanji would take it badly, especially with how much they had been trying to rationalize their whole relationship while everything kept getting out of hand.

He'd been about to say the words.

It was only when everything was finally calm and Zoro could finally think, that the flashing wave of panic he'd felt when he'd opened his mouth and almost blurted them came back in the lighter form of unease and anxiety crawling beneath his skin. He was an idiot, and a mess. If this continued he'd end up blurting it for real and then there'd be none of the minimal damage control Zoro wanted to at least attempt, because the bomb would explode in his face without him having had time to frame the reach of its destruction.

His heart began beating hard and his breath began coming out as shallow, discomfort and the demanding urge to get out of there before he did something stupid taking over him.

And he was a lost cause, because even in his sleep Sanji seemed to sense his stress and blindly pawed at the arm surrounding him until he managed to twine their fingers together and pressed his back closer to Zoro, either seeking or offering him warmth. The swordsman froze, but Sanji went back to dreamland fast enough. There was warmth creeping everywhere in his body from his chest along with a relief he didn't want; he shouldn't be comforted by that gesture, he shouldn't let Sanji's every move affect him like that, he really, really shouldn't. Yet here he was, feeling safe in the middle of his more than reasonable fear, wanting to run away but being so comforted by Sanji's presence and unawareness in his selfless reassurance that Zoro lost all track of what he was doing and kissed the back of his head with a pained breath intake, the action not being filtered in the least despite knowing everything he did should be filtered, for his own good.

It hurt.

He went from overthinking to not thinking at all.

"I love you," he whispered against his strands.

And he froze.

This time he froze for good, and there was no comfort their intertwined fingers brought that could ease the swelling fright taking over everything else. There was only fear, and the need to flee.

He stayed there, eye wide and horrified as he stared at Sanji's nape waiting for hell to unleash, but Sanji was snoring and sleeping like a baby and he hadn't heard a goddamn thing, for which Zoro should become a believer and start a fucking praying spree to a God he'd never believed in but would believe in from now on in the name of gratefulness that his idiocy hadn't sent everything to shit because of some kind of miracle someone had had to pull out of his ass, and that sure as hell hadn't been him.

The only thing keeping him from jumping out of the bed like it was burning was the fact that he knew he'd wake Sanji up if any harsh movements were involved, and that was a mistake he didn't want to add to a long list which number one spot was currently taken by a fucking I love you. He must be touched in the head. He had just been going down the path of cursing himself for almost saying that during sex, agreeing with his long-forgotten rational and self-preserving side that that would be the biggest mistake he could make. He'd been thinking of a way to get out of that room before he did something stupid, for fuck's sake, and all it had taken to throw all of that and an already increasing fear that screamed at him to back down to the trash was Sanji curling his fingers against his and then he was whispering I-fucking-love-yous in his goddamn hair like a fucking newlywed in the middle of his shitty honeymoon.

Unbelievable.

And fucking terrifying.

He didn't know himself anymore, he swore to God. Yes, that God who'd just saved his ass by the providence of Sanji being asleep and oblivious to Zoro's stupidity. He better send a goddamn prayer up there the moment he got out of that hell he'd put himself into.

Funny how things can go to shit faster than blinking even after being taken care of the way he had by Sanji and laying curled behind the man he loved, which to a lot of normal people sounds like bliss and peace. Well, there hadn't been an ounce of peace in his mind to start with, that was for sure, even as he was brought to the edge with a care and a passion he knew he didn't deserve, but he'd at least been hoping to have a good night's sleep beside Sanji once his hyperactive brain had calmed the fuck down after reassuring himself that no matter how he'd nearly fucked up, he hadn't in the end and things were still not broken.

And things were still not broken, which was nothing short of a miracle, but he had fucked up big time and he'd been proven that his filter had been removed, and there was now no telling when it would happen again – and he could wave goodbye to his good night's sleep, congratulations, Zoro, you did a great job.

Fuck.

If he'd felt like running before, now he felt like sprinting. That or waking Sanji up without a heads-up or explanation to yell at his face that he was calling it quits, and he wasn't enough of an asshole to do that. Which was unfortunate. This would've been much easier if he'd been a proper, dedicated and unadultered asshole ready to throw Sanji under the bus without minding how he'd take it or feel afterwards.

It took a lot of breathing exercises to calm down, swallow the panic following the fact of almost getting caught, and pry his fingers away from Sanji's, making sure he was still asleep before he dressed himself and left the room in absolute silence, only to punch a wall a few streets later, eye wild as it flickered from side to side in an attempt to relax.

"Fuck!" he shouted, but he only allowed one outburst. Then he forced himself to remain calm, pulled himself together and told himself he'd be heading towards the ship and mull things over once his brain wasn't revolting against his sanity under a neon flag reading 'you almost sent everything you care to try to keep unbroken to shit'.

This would stop working altogether unless he restored his very much damaged self-control, and it was about time he sat down with himself and gave serious thought as to how to.

It might've been because of another miracle or because he was desperate and he'd never looked for something as desperately before, but he didn't get lost as many times as he normally would and actually managed to get to the ship. When he saw it, he breathed easier.

Usopp popped his head out of the crow's nest – he was the one on watch – and only waved back when Zoro curtly waved at him, a sign that he was confused as to what Zoro was doing in the ship. Zoro thought of taking his watch, but he ended up discarding the option: he couldn't be trusted with that right now, he was too shaken by a million what ifs and almosts.

He didn't bother entertaining the idea of wine or beer, he went straight for Terevera's star drink. He knew that was also a bad idea, and he was aware of the unwanted lack of self-control that drink brought with it, but he couldn't calm down being sober. He'd drink enough to make the gnawing anxiety go away, then he'd either sleep like a baby or start thinking without the current cloud of fear making him sound more fatalistic than needed be.

Anything but a goddamn panic attack. He wasn't built for that; he'd never had one. Not when Kuina had died, not when he'd lost to Mihawk and his dream came close to crumbling. Not when they had all been separated and two years of uncertainty were put on the line. Not when they all thought Sanji had given up on them back in Terevera, when his heartbeat stopped for too long. He hadn't had enough time for that. And he wasn't going to have one right now. One thing is the biting fright hitting him through an almost I love you during sex and a full one whispered in the silence of the room, a flash of it hitting him like a slap and making him unsteady and wobbly for a while; a very different thing was him letting panic take the reins of him and spreading like a sickness through his veins to the point of making his thought-process futile. He'd never gone through that, and he wouldn't now. He was stronger than that and he knew he was probably blowing things out of proportion because of the adrenaline of almost tearing everything he'd fought to keep more or less steady down, and he reminded himself of that to make it go away.

So he drank, and he calmed down, and breathing came easier than it had in that room alone with Sanji and the damn elephant in the room.

He was on his second drink and on his way to feel drunk when Nami came in, frowning.

Well, shit.

Zoro thought he might have run out of luck altogether.

TBC


A/N: thank you for all of the support you have been giving this and for showing this story so much love, it keeps me motivated! My deepest apologies for the delay but I'm loaded with work and I can't find the time to write. This chapter was so long it would have been hard to read in one go so I divided it in two. Part 2 will come out as soon as I have it revised.

Thank you to everyone who sent me their best wishes, it makes me smile and it makes my day. :)

Big hug to everyone!