Alex couldn't sleep on Sunday night. She knew that the next morning, Olivia was going to return to work. Olivia seemed certain that Alex would be fine on her own, and they'd mutually decided that Olivia would drop Lily off at school on her way to work and Alex would pick her up. If Alex wanted to, she could sleep until noon.
But Alex was sure that she wouldn't want to. She knew she wouldn't feel safe alone in the apartment if she wasn't awake and alert.
Alex couldn't stop trembling as she lay in Olivia's arms that night. "I don't want you to go tomorrow," she whispered.
Olivia tightened her hold on Alex. "I don't want to leave you, either, baby. Believe me, I wouldn't if I didn't have to. But it's time, and I think you can handle this." She kissed Alex's forehead. "Remember, Lex, I'm just a phone call away. If you need anything, I'll drop what I'm doing and come home."
Alex looked away. "That's not fair."
"You being abducted wasn't fair. That monster hurting you wasn't fair. The fact that I have to leave you by yourself when you want me here, and I want to be here, isn't fair."
Alex closed her eyes. "I know."
Olivia stroked Alex's hair. "I believe in you, Alex. You're strong, and I know you can do this. But if you need me, I'll come right home."
"Even if you're in the middle of chasing a perp?"
Olivia smiled. "You're more important than any perp."
Alex nodded and snuggled closer to Olivia. "I'll be okay," she said, more to reassure herself than anything.
"You will be," Olivia agreed.
Olivia woke Alex the next morning before she left by gently rubbing her back. "Hey, sleepy," she said with a smile when Alex's eyes opened. "It's 8:00. I'm going."
Alex shook her head and wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck, still half-asleep.
Olivia kissed her forehead. "I have to, baby. But you can call me if you need anything." She gently extricated Alex from her. "I love you, sweetheart."
As soon as Alex heard the door close and footsteps pattering away from their apartment, she got out of bed. She double checked to make sure the doors were locked and the windows were closed, then turned on the alarm. She flipped on the television and kept the volume low, loud enough that she could hear it but quiet enough that she couldn't discern individual words.
Trying to push away her unease, Alex made herself breakfast and ate it silently, her senses on alert, just in case. She spent the better part of the next hour pacing around the apartment, and jumped when she felt a loud vibration. She relaxed slightly when she realized it was just her cell phone and went to check who had called her.
She smiled when she saw that Olivia had sent her a text message. It read, Hey sweetie, how's it going? Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Call me if you want to. Love you always. xoxo Liv
Alex smiled again. Olivia was just so sweet.
She pressed 1 on her cell phone, which was Olivia's speed dial number, and let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding when Olivia answered. "Hey, you."
"Hi, Liv."
"How's it going?"
Alex glanced around, as if to make sure she was really alone, really safe. "Okay. How's the first day back at the job?" She cringed when she realized how that sounded. "Sorry, bad question."
Olivia laughed a little. "Yeah, just a bit."
"I just wanted to hear your voice," Alex admitted.
Alex could hear Olivia's smile in her voice. "I miss you, baby."
"I miss you, too."
Olivia paused. "You having friends over, Lex?"
Alex was startled. "No. Why?"
"It sounds like someone's there."
Alex blushed. "That's just the TV."
"Oh," Olivia said gently. She hesitated. "I'll be home for dinner, sweetheart. Promise."
Alex nodded, although Olivia couldn't see. "I love you."
"Love you, too, Lex. See you later, okay?"
"Okay. Goodbye, Liv."
"Bye, Alex."
Alex hung up and lay down on the bed, covering her eyes with her hand. She felt the beginnings of a headache starting to form behind her left eye. Why couldn't she just be normal? She couldn't even go two hours by herself, without Olivia there to hold her and comfort her and protect her from her pain. She didn't even know if she would be able to walk the eight blocks to pick Lily up from school without having a panic attack.
She lay there for the next ten minutes or so, wondering morbidly what it would be like to be a sociopath. To feel nothing at all instead of feeling things too deeply, so deeply that it hurt. She thought it might be nice, at first, but then she quickly shook off the thought. She remembered what those sociopaths did to women, innocent women as she had once been. Her master must be like that, otherwise how would he have been able to hurt her so badly without feeling any sympathy, any remorse.
Alex closed her eyes, attempting to push away the notion. She wished she didn't have these kinds of intrusive thoughts, just as she wished she didn't have nightmares and flashbacks about what her master had done to her and her children.
Her headache seemed to be increasing in intensity, but she wouldn't take a Motrin. Not that she would be able to anyway – knowing Olivia, she had probably locked up all the medication, even Tylenol. With good intentions, of course, but it was a needless gesture. Alex would never try to overdose on Tylenol. It was one of the slowest, most excruciating ways, and it could take up to 23 hours to destroy her liver, ultimately killing her. She knew because, at her lowest point, she'd meticulously researched ways to kill herself. This would be one of the most painful, and she didn't think she would be able to handle 23 hours of such pain without Olivia by her side. And of course, Olivia would ask her what was wrong, and Alex would tell her, because she wasn't good at keeping things from Olivia, and Olivia would rush her to the hospital and make the doctors save her. In short, Tylenol was no threat.
She meandered to the washroom and searched the cupboard, more out of curiosity than anything. Predictably, there was not a pill bottle in sight, and instead of feeling annoyed, Alex smiled a bit. Olivia loved her, and cared for her more than she even cared for herself at times.
By the time it was time to go pick Lily up from school, Alex was a nervous wreck. She'd bitten the nail of her index finger down so far that it was bleeding, and she got herself a Band-Aid before she left to get Lily.
She reminded herself to take deep breaths and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Take it one step at a time. This was how to stay alive.
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