I've been watching Ainsley much closer than she would have expected lately, and what I see, unfortunately, still makes little sense.
After…recent events…Ainsley has reverted back to the carefree, fun-loving girl she was. She says obnoxious things, laughs as though the world is a colossal joke, and mercilessly puts down boys, just like she always did, but I found an obvious dissimilarity – she will never talk about her feelings as candidly as she did a few times before.
I ask her about it as we prepare for bed. "Ainsley, are you okay?"
"Yeah, never better," she says dismissively. "Why?"
"You're different now," I say. "You were so unstable recently; what happened?"
"Oh, that." Ainsley chuckles. "I hit a rough patch – now I'm okay. I get that I was being stupid, and I'm over it. Don't worry so much about me – I can take care of myself."
"What about all of that stuff you said?" I ask in disbelief. "Caring so much that you don't?"
Ainsley puts her hand on my shoulder. "Lily, I had a weak moment. You know you have them too. I'm fine now, like I said. Guys no longer matter to me."
"Well, there's a huge change in the wind," I grumble. "Why are you so damn weird about stuff like this?"
She smiles. "Because it's fun. And besides, I had an epiphany about this yesterday – I went through a stormy rain to get to the rainbow, where I am now."
"You are being so incredibly stupid!" I explode suddenly. "Ainsley, I know you're in love with Sirius – I had that epiphany ages ago! You're in denial because it's easier for you to live with that conclusion than a conclusion saying you care about someone. Stop pretending that everything is dandy and fine when we both know it's not! It's okay to be like and it's okay to be confused! Just say it though; don't hide. You're not a robot – it's good to feel something. Don't doubt that!"
I feel much better after I scream this speech at her, but Ainsley is motionless, her eyes tender once again. We stand there, facing each other, waiting for a reaction in tentative silence. Ainsley sighs after what seems to be eternity and says, very softly, "I don't love him."
"You do, Ainsley, you do, you do, you do." I grab onto her shoulders and shake her to emphasize my point. "You love him, and I like that, because it's about time that a boy caught your fancy."
"I don't love him," she says with more conviction. "I don't. Not at all. Sirius is an arse."
I sigh. "Tell me now or forever hold your peace – do you love him or do you not?"
This question serves a multitude of purposes:
1) If she says she loves him, well, she does!
2) If she says she doesn't love him, she still does – I can tell
3) If she takes too long to say no, she loves him
4) If she takes too long to say yes, she adores him
5) If she says no in a flirty way, she loves him
6) If she says yes in a flirty way, she could ask him out the next day
7) If she says no with a little too much force, she loves him
8) If she says no with too little force, she loves him an abnormal amount
The Point: No matter what she answered, I would know she was in love with Sirius.
However, Ainsley says right away, with too much force, "No, I don't love Sirius." The response falls under purpose number eight – she loves him an abnormal amount. I knew it.
I nod and pretend to believe her, but when she looks away from me, I grin widely; in her own way, Ainsley had just told me that she was extraordinarily in love with Sirius, and I know instantaneously that Operation ADS had to continue full-steam ahead anyway.
