bibbles11 - i can update up to 3 times a day if i see that there's comments! :D
93 Danny's POV
I ended up sleeping in Harry and Dougie's bed again that night, and almost every night that week...and the next few weeks too. I knew I really shouldn't have, and if Tom found out he could think the worst, but I really needed it. I mean, I really needed it. It felt good to be in bed with them, to be held and feel warmth and love. Sleeping in my own bed was so lonely, the army of toys I had laid on Tom's side of the bed weren't a good Tom substitute, they weren't warm and didn't cuddle back. And I was sure that if I tried to microwave Tom's toys to warm them up he would kill me, so it was just nice to lay in Harry and Dougie's bed for a few nights, just so I could sleep, just for a little while, just for some warmth, and for some comfort.
I always felt so awkward during the day, I didn't know what to do with myself when we weren't being pummelled with interviewers questions, I was still completely lost. I had no clue what to do with myself when we weren't with Tom. At least there I had an idea on what to do with myself, which was give Tom cuddles and make him feel a little better. He was really suffering at the moment, because he wasn't allowed to watch our interviews, but from the ones he had seen, he was worried stupid about us, especially me. The poor guy was on the verge on tipping over the edge, just like I was, one of us was going to slip at any moment, I could feel it. One of us was going to slip up, and I sort of wished it would be me. If it was me, I could keep it quiet and act like nothing had happened. With Tom, if anyone got hold of it, I dreaded to think what they would do to him. He was suffering enough, he didn't need any more reasons to rip himself to shreds.
But, when it got to the third week of interviews, thats when my thoughts were answered, I slipped first. It was my first night back in my own bed, after a particularly tough day of four interviews (how we hadn't been on every show yet was a surprise) and I just, slipped. I really hadn't meant to, it just, happened. My thoughts got to me, so I had gone to bed early, trying to drown them out, but that had only lead to nightmares, and thats what did it. Seeing Tom laying on the floor, crying out and bleeding inside my head had just snapped me in half. Before I even knew what I was doing, there was blood rolling down my arm and over the floor.
The second I did it, I felt ashamed of myself, I had promised Tom I wouldn't do anything to myself, he would flip if he found out. Everyone was going to flip out, and be so disappointed in me, I was supposed to be being strong, strong for Tom, strong for everyone. I couldn't be the one falling apart, I was already being such a burden, I couldn't be a bigger pain in the backside than I was, could I? It wouldn't be fair at all. I quickly pulled myself together and sorted myself out, pulling a bandage around my arm, slightly thankful that I had cut in the middle of my arm, so a bandage wouldn't be seen poking out of my sleeve. Then, I crawled back into bed, trying to get back to sleep so I could at least look a little rested by morning time.
Unfortunately, that didn't happen, I spent all night staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. I just felt so guilty for what I had done, and I was so scared that someone was going to find out and flip out at me because of it. I didn't want anyone to be disappointed in me or anything, I just slipped up for a minute, that was all. I hadn't meant to, really, really hadn't meant to, it just, I couldn't take all this stress, all these questions about Tom. It was hard enough to believe that Tom was going to be okay soon, he wasn't getting any better, but I had to believe that he would be okay. Trying to explain that over and over again while not actually believing it myself was soul destroying. I just wanted it all to stop, for everything to go away and leave me alone for a while, so I could sleep away everything, until Tom was better. Or at least for all these interviews to go away and for everyone to leave us alone, I hated going outside and trying to explain these things every day. I didn't understand why it wasn't clear yet, Tom was getting some help, and he was going to be just fine when he came back. No we didn't know when he was coming back, and no we weren't going to say what was exactly wrong with him. We didn't even know what was wrong with him either, we just knew that he wasn't right, and that was it.
"Danny, are you ready yet? Sh*t, dude you even sleep last night?" Harry made me jump in the morning, luckily, my arm was covered by my duvet. "no, cheers for making me feel better." I half joked, not even bothering to sit up yet. "sorry, but you seriously look rough. Do you want to stay home today? Cause me and Doug can take over for the day if needs be." Harry sat down next to me, putting his hand gently on my leg. "no, that'll only cause more trouble. I'll just sleep in the car like usual." I declined, though I really did want to stay home. But staying home would probably cause more rumours, which weren't going to help our case. It was best if I went today too, no matter how tired I was, or how guilty I was feeling.
94 Harry's POV
I have no idea how, but Danny made it through the day, managing to hold it together in front of cameras, and then dosing off in the car and in dressing rooms. I had no idea how he did it, how he was remaining so strong and vaguely together, without just breaking down and falling into pieces. I guessed that it was the sleeping tactic, so his thoughts weren't running around his head all day. At least he had found something that helped him in some way. So I had to only keep an eye on him, leaving me to look after Dougie a little more. I felt like I had been neglecting him for the past few weeks, leaving him to sort himself out and help me with Danny at the same time. I didn't like doing that to him, Dougie maybe have been a fully grown man, but he still needed a bit of looking after, and he certainly needed love too.
"how you holding up today?" I asked gently, running my fingers gently over Dougie's tattooed arm. "I'm okay, getting a bit tired of all this, but, I'm okay. What about you?" Dougie whispered, reaching up to grab my hand and entangle our fingers. "the same as you really. Just remember, one more today and then we're done for another day." I encouraged, kissing his hair gently. "yeah, I know. Wanna cuddle in bed when we get home? I feel like cuddling in bed with a film." Dougie looked up at me, his tiny face filled with hope. "of course we can. As soon as we're alone, we can do that." I gave him a smile, though even to me it didn't feel right. "alright. Think we'll have a visitor tonight?" Dougie glanced at Danny, who was laying flat out across the seats in front of us, fast asleep by the looks of things, despite the fact that he wasn't snoring like normal.
"maybe, I'm not sure." I shrugged, Danny had managed to (almost) sleep in bed on his own yesterday, but I wasn't so sure about today. I did almost hope that he would sleep on his own tonight, so me and Dougie could have another evening to ourselves, but at the same time, I wanted to protect Danny too. I had spent the whole of last night worrying about the guy, yesterday had been so tough, it had shocked me to hear that he had wanted to stay on his own. I was half tempted to check for scars, but that was probably a wrong assumption, Danny did know better than that, just about. I knew he was struggling, but it was just a learning curve, a particularly hard one, but, it was just a learning curve that had to be dealt with.
"boys, going to wake Danny up? We've arrived." Tommy suddenly asked, I jumped a bit, but recovered. "alright...Danny, we're here, wakey wakey." I gently poked him in the side, getting a loud whine from him. "come on, you need to wake up now. You're going to give yourself back ache laying like that!" I tried joking, because Danny was laying between two different seats, his head and shoulders laying on Tom's seat, his feet on his own, the rest of his body laying on the car floor. How he found that comfortable I don't know, but then again, all of us could sleep anywhere when we got to a certain degree of tiredness. "ugh, go away!" Danny groaned, blindly batting away my hand. "come on, one more interview, then we're going home. You can sleep then." Dougie tried too, tugging on Danny's arm. "alright, alright! Quit tugging!" Danny winced and made a muffled sound of pain, quickly yanking his hand out of the way and sitting up. Without another word, he scrambled out of the van, keeping his arms crossed close to his chest. It set alarm bells off inside my head, thinking that Danny had slipped up last night or something... he hadn't, had he? He hadn't gone and cut, after clean for so long. It looked like he had, but, why?
"Danny, are you alright?" I managed to catch him while Dougie was busy doing something else. "yeah, why would I be?" Danny answered, paling a little. "you just seemed a little weird when Doug pulled on your arm, is all." I told him, not sure what else to say. "I'm fine, I haven't done anything if thats what you mean." Danny completely drained of any colour on his face, getting defensive, clearly having done something. "Danny, come on, you're talking to me here. I'm not going to get mad or anything, I just want to know whats happened." I told him, glancing around to check for Dougie, he was talking to Tommy, he wasn't paying attention to us at all. "nothing, nothing, seriously, I'm fine." Danny shook his head, backing off slightly.
"Danny, come on, do you want Dougie to hear and see?" I sighed, Danny shook his head. "promise not to tell him or Tom?" Danny compromised, still holding onto his arm. "I promise. I won't tell a soul." I told him, I hadn't planned on saying anything to Dougie if Danny had hurt himself again. The poor little one would have freaked out if he found out, and I didn't want to freak Dougie out. He was already worried enough about Tom and Danny snapping and accidently killing themselves, I wasn't going to half confirm his fears.
Danny quickly lead me to stand behind our clothes rack, hiding behind them all as he rolled up his sleeve, revealing a bandage wrapped around the middle of his forearm. "I slipped, last night, I didn't mean to. It just...happened, I couldn't stop myself. Sorry... please don't shout at me." Danny whispered, chewing on his lip nervously. He looked ashamed of himself. "I'm not going to, you look guilty enough as it is. Just, next time, talk to us, alright? Even if you aren't with us, phone us, or come round, even at 3am in the morning. Just come round, we'll sort it out. Don't do this to yourself, please." I pulled down his sleeve and hugged Danny close, feeling like he needed a hug right now. "I'll try, it just got the better of me last night. I'm sorry." Danny wrapped his arms around me too, he really needed this hug. "its alright Danny. We all slip up every once in a while, its been a tough few weeks. I can't exactly blame you, just, talk to us next time, alright?"
