WELCOME! ANOTHER CHAPTER IS HERE! We're sticking to this weekly thing guys as you can see! Thank you so much for your support. I mean CHAPTER FIFTY? Are we REALLY that far into this story?
SLIGHTLY IMPORTANT NOTE: In chapter SEVEN (7) I had Sakura say that her mother's hair was black and her father's hair was white. I'd like to just say that was an error on my part but from this chapter and previously, you must have realized that her mothers hair is BLONDE and her father's hair is a LIGHT/ DULL PINK. I'd have corrected it in chapter seven and in the other one where i made this mistake (chapter 37 where i said 'black hair' when it should have been blonde, that was a typo) but that seems a little cumbersome for me to do at this point in time. Forgive me for this error.
Title:Natsu no kōrinoFuyu Kasai (winter's fire summer's ice)
Standard Disclaimer Applied
I formally apologize for any grammatical errors. Being my own editor and writer among other things is hard.
[Chapter Fifty]
He was standing behind her arms folded over his chest. He wasn't really pleased with the arrangement they'd agreed to. He was still fussing and huffing over it like he always did when he didn't get what he wanted.
"I do not agree with this you know." He said then and she laughed as she combed out her hair.
"Sasuke," she began putting her brush down, meeting his eyes through the mirror, "we both came to this agreement. Together. Me and you. As a couple. Do you remember that?"
"I'm not retarded of course I remember." He said. "I however don't agree with our agreement. I've changed my mind. I'm coming with you."
Sakura turned in the chair and sighed. "You can't come with me." She pouted resting her hands on his chest. "You have to go to this dinner remember? You've never missed it before and I don't want to be the reason that you do. And I don't want to go and Rin said today was the perfect day for us, it's her day off."
"It really isn't safe." He reasoned. "I don't mind coming with you."
"I know and I'd want you to come with me, you know that. You have to go to this dinner; I know how important it is. You're a Legeem Kapasula and with all that's going on, it would cause a lot of problems for you to be absent. I'm coming to the banquet tomorrow. Sasuke we talked about this." Sakura whined.
She didn't want to go the dinner. As a matter of fact she didn't want to go anywhere at all but he refused to go to the banquet without her and that she couldn't change his mind upon. Seeing as he didn't care if he'd cause more chaos in his absence, she couldn't help but agree to go. She knew Sasuke didn't care about consequences when it came to her and in that he was reckless.
She agreed to go to the banquet but she was not go to the annual dinner being held the night before or to the brunches and dinners etc that were going to be held afterwards in the coming month(s). That he just couldn't make her agree to go on. After everything that happened, fear paralyzed her at the sole thought of seeing any of those people again. Besides, Rin said today was a great day to go visit her dad across town. They would take the train since most of the roads were covered in snow and they'd be there in no time. She banged her head on his hard and muscled chest. She needed him to understand so she just kept banging her head against him and whining.
He chuckled. "Alright alright, I digress. Fine. Fine." He caved. His hands held the sides of her head and titled her head up.
She searched his very eyes with her own big ones, her hands holding tighter to the cotton of his shirt. She tipped on her toes and kissed him. "If so much as a hair on your head-"
"You don't even have to tell me. You're on it like white on rice. Rin will be with me. I'll be fine."
"The last time I thought that you almost got killed." He said blandly.
Her heart constricted with his. He hadn't forgiven himself for that. Just last night when she slept next to him her heart wouldn't stop racing with his. His body had bolted upright, sweat running down his face. He'd been dreaming about it, the nightmare of a feeling that had washed over him when he realized something was terribly wrong. The fear he had felt. The dread. She'd never realized how much it had affected him, how hard he was being on himself about it. It wasn't his fault. She knew that. He couldn't control anyone; he couldn't tell anyone what to do and even when he did, they didn't have to listen to him. Just like her he had no idea something like that would have ever happened.
She wished she could have taken back all she had said that day. The blame she'd put on him hadn't been fair and it had chipped away some piece of him. She was in-tuned to him. She could feel it when he was asleep, vulnerable to hurt that lurked inside of him, the scar left by her words. He'd never admit it but she could feel it from him- his doubt that he was what she needed. His doubt that he could protect her. The feeling of failing her. The feeling that she'd be better off without him.
"Hey hey hey," she said softly touching his face, "that wasn't your fault. You can't blame yourself for that. Stop it. I will be okay. Rin will be with me. He's human there isn't much he can do to me. Not anymore."
He sighed heavily. "I just…."
She smiled weakly and tipped on her toes. She kissed him with all the love that flooded her. She knew how much he hated showing her any kind of weakness or vulnerability. He was the leader, he was the strongest and he was a man.
"You are everything I could possibly need. I said it's not your fault and it isn't. You won't let anything happen to me. I'll be fine I promise."
She ran her fingers gently through his dark blue mane and his human eyes closed so lightly, falling into her gentle touch. His hair felt beautiful as it moved through her fingers. It was soft and smooth, light as air caressing her skin. It was beautiful texture, rich and brilliant.
"So are you going to drop me or what?" she asked grinning.
He rolled his eyes. "You just know how to get whatever you want from me." He said feigning offence. "I feel used."
She laughed and turned to grab a rubber band from the table. Using her fingers to threat through her freshly brushed hair, she tied her hair into a high messy pony tail. She put on her jacket, her coat, scarf and gloves on her way out slipping into her sneakers at the door. She'd long since gotten three of his dresser draws of her own to put all her things.
The winter gear was new. He'd gotten them for her for winter, the materials thick and well insulated. They talked endlessly in the car as he drove her home. They always had something to talk about even if it was something redundant or stupid. There was always something to talk about between them and even the silence wasn't uncomfortable. Sometimes the silence was loaded like a gun ready to go off at any given time but that wasn't all that often.
He had told her that he didn't want to hear about the plans with her and her father. She'd only told him that she was going today and that's all he wanted to know. He was keeping his word –well to his own extent. She knew he was worried about and for her. Hell she was worried for herself too. She was nervous and even uneasy about the entire thing. She hadn't seen father in months since she got here.
There had been no phone calls, no emails and no messages just stone cold dead silence between them. Besides what Rin had found out and told her, Sakura knew nothing about her father anymore. She was glad not to live with him. She was happy to live with such a wonderful woman like Rin and be given so many great opportunities. She was glad she wasn't around her father anymore and his terrible horrible ways. All he had done was talk down to her and abuse her in ways not even she could fix. He'd ruined her mind, her thought process and perspective.
He pulled up at the house and Sakura sat in the car for a while. The snow had covered the world, turning it into an icy wonderland. The snow was blindingly white, covering the drive ways, steps, roofs and trees all around the neighborhood. Nowhere was left untouched.
She leaned over to him and he didn't hesitate to kiss her. "Be on your best behavior at the dinner." She warned.
"Don't talk down to me," he retorted.
She smiled. "Don't talk down to anyone there and make a phenomenal impression." She encouraged. "I'll take care of myself."
"You damn well better." He said sternly. "Now go before I change my mind despite what you say and drive off with you."
Sakura kissed him again and got out of the car, trudging her way to the front door with her feet sinking down into the snow each time. She pulled the key out of her pocket and entered the house. It was warm inside and smelt of coffee and breakfast. Her face was flushed as she stripped from the coat and jacket and scarf and gloves.
"Sakura! That you?" Someone called from the kitchen.
Sometimes it was hard to separate Atona's voice from her mother's so early in the morning. They really did sound alike when they wanted to. Rin's body emerged from the Kitchen with a cup of steaming coffee in her hands. She was in jeans and a turtle neck blouse.
"I'm almost ready, if you'd just give me a second to finish this coffee we can get going. I don't mean to have you wait on me," she apologized taking a tentative sip of her coffee.
Sakura waved her hand. "That's completely okay you know that. Where's Atona?"
"Hangover." Rin replied with a scowl. "That's her last party until graduation and her last time drinking. I'm not about to have her lose track. I want her to have fun but if this is how she's going to do it, it's not going to work. She's been grounded too."
"Grounded?" Sakura asked taking a seat in the couch. "For partying?"
"And drinking until she was blue, red and purple in the face. I already warned her and spoke to her about it. I told her the next time she comes in drunk she's going to regret it. She's grounded for the rest of winter break, right here in this house she'll be staying if she's not working." She said matter of factly. "I don't know what she takes me for. Some kind of joke or something."
"I do not," Atona objected shuffling in, "I do not take you for a joke."
Rin shrugged. "I don't care what you say. You're still grounded and you have work tomorrow morning with your uncle at six."
She groaned. "You were serious?"
"It's cute that you thought I was joking. I am serious. Out in the cold, shoveling snow after snow until your fingers are inches away from frostbite. Should be damn well good for you walking in here drunk."
"Mom I said I was sorry." She objected loudly.
"Your words mean nothing to me. There's coffee on the counter. Go have some and work on that hangover –the very last one you'll ever have as long as you live in this house."
Rin finished her coffee and gave Atona a list of house chores to keep her busy since Ramoki –the weekly maid- wouldn't be able to make it in the weather. She grabbed her bag and winter accessories and they headed to the car and headed out. The drive to the train station wasn't long and Rin had already purchased tickets.
The train was more packed than she ever thought was humanly possible. With many roads blocked now by snow, cars submerged beneath the white cold mess many people had taken to the subways and trains to get to where they wanted to go now. It was easier but damn was it packed tighter than a tin of sardines. It was so cramped that is was impossible not to sweat and impossible to see more than an inch in front of you.
Sakura was so nervous about their destination that she barely even took notice of how cramped and claustrophobic the place was for her. She didn't take notice of the smell and the staleness in the air. As the Train made its stop people got off but it was like more people got on than those that actually got off but even then her mind was racing. Everyone on the train was uncomfortable they were never usually this packed.
"This is just ridiculous." Rin said with her hair plastered to her forehead. "I mean just so many people today, even last winter when I had taken the train to go to Itaku…"
Sakura hardly even heard anything that came out of Rin's mouth. She was doing this. She was really doing this right now. As time ticked by she realized how close they were getting and her palms started to sweat. She hadn't seen this man since she left to come to Kanoha. He hated her guts and he'd never been shy about it. What really was she doing going out of her way to look for him?
Of course she couldn't change her mind now. She and Rin both had come too far both literally and figuratively to turn back. Either way she had no choice but to go through with this. The ride was just short of an hour and half when they got out of the train and into the station. It was far less packed than that of Kanoha but packed nonetheless. She'd thought about bringing him a gift but even Rin was against the entire idea.
You're not going there to please him or get into this good favor. If he cared about that you'd be living with him instead of me. No gifts. You're not sucking up to anybody. Rin had said when Sakura had mentioned the idea.
Sakura felt numb from head to toe and it wasn't from the cold as they hustled into a taxi. It was amazing that there were even taxis running on the snow ridden roads today. She couldn't hold up a conversation with Rin no matter how hard she tried. Her mouth was dry and when they got of the taxi after what felt like ten thousand years of traffic, her legs felt heavy like lead.
They stood outside the gate of his apartment complex and for a while, buried in the snow Sakura just stood there looking at it as Rin spoke to the man in the little hut managing the gate. Sakura couldn't make out what she was saying but apparently whatever it was got them into the complex without being buzzed up.
Suddenly she wasn't sure she wanted to do this. She couldn't breathe as she stood there in front of his door. What was she doing? Why had she come back here to look this evil man in his face? What did she expect to achieve? If he cared about her he would have reached out but he didn't. If he didn't want her gone he wouldn't have ran her. If he wanted her she would know. This was a mistake but Rin was already knocking on the door.
Sakura wanted to scream to turn back but only dirt was in her mouth. Ashy no words would come out. Rin shifted outside the door. It was insanely cold even with all the clothes they had on. She knocked again.
"Coming!" An unfamiliar voice called from inside.
She could hear the rush of footsteps and soon the door tore open. Everything became frozen as a man unrecognizable stood in front of her. He was in the middle of taking of his tie, his feet bare and white shirt sleeve rolled up to his elbows. His hair was a mess atop his head in its dull pinkness and his blue eyes seemed tired. He came to an instant halt, his eyes widening at the sight of Sakura standing there before him.
"Wow… Rin…uh…" he stumbled over his words, "I wasn't…I mean I didn't think you guys were going to come what with the snowing outside…I just…I figured that…You know not today."
Rin smiled brightly. "We were hell bent on coming," she said.
Sakura stood there unable to open her mouth and form a coherent sentence. He was right in front of her. A feeling slick and steady started bubbling inside of her. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Had he really wanted to get rid of her that bad? Had she really been a plague and a thorn in his side that when she was removed he could flourish and blossom into the completely different man he was now as he stood before her in the doorway. He truly hated her. He truly blamed her for ruining his life and standing there now it was undeniable, unbearable how much of a truth it really was.
She had never –not in all her life- ever seen him look so well and normal, the hate untraceable and gone from his voice. In such a short time…she had really been a wound in his soul, festering and turning his skin black like charcoal. She had been a flesh eating parasite on him, sucking the life and breathe and depth from him. He had wanted her gone and he had meant it. It was obvious.
A long awkward silence rang bright and true through them and Rin jumped in to diffuse the sudden tension. "It was a long journey but we couldn't turn back after we got on to the train so."
He nodded. "Right," he agreed, "Well at least you both made it here safely. Why don't you guys uh come on in?" he said stepping aside from the door.
Rin didn't hesitate to brush past Kizashi and saunter into his apartment. Unlike Sakura Rin had been in this apartment before. Sakura couldn't get her legs to even move and she ended up just standing there looking like a fish out of water. She couldn't do this without him. She shouldn't have come without him. Now she was desperate for Sasuke's firm grasp, his steady and soft reassuring voice. His body close to hers letting her know she was doing fine, that everything was fine. She felt the world around her closing in.
"Sakura," Rin almost scolded, "Come on inside and get out of the cold."
"I…I-"
"Get inside this minute; you of all people know you shouldn't be outside. You can get the flu or pneumonia and then where would we be? Come inside,"
Sakura nodded and felt like she was walking through fifty feet of water as she stepped over Kizashi's apartment threshold. She was inside. She couldn't believe it. She was inches away from hyperventilating. She tried to swallow but it felt like nothing. Her mouth was dry like the desert. She needed him. She couldn't do this without him. She was inches away from running for the hills. She searched so hard to feel the thing that connected them together. She felt frozen in time, panic rising inside of her throat. She was feeling for him like a blind man inside a wet never ending echoing cave.
You're doing great. Breathe sweetheart, breathe. His voice was an echo in her head which made her almost jump. The first time he was in her head she was in the cafeteria at her school having a mental breakdown.
How can you? She stuttered in her head.
You underestimate the extent to which I stalk you and keep tabs on you. You're doing great. Do you need me to come and get you? Do you need me there with you? He asked from wherever he was.
"Sakura?" Rin's hand waved in front of her face. Sakura heard the door lock behind her and she felt even more trapped. She was in this place with him. Trapped with him. "Is everything okay?"
"Water." She croaked, her voice cracked.
"I just put a kettle on," He said from behind her maneuvering from around her, "I'll just…um make everyone some hot chocolate then?" he asked, still stumbling. He seemed nervous. Very, very nervous.
Rin nodded. "That would be fantastic. I'm still freezing from being outside," she said.
The moment he vanished towards the kitchen Sakura grasped Rin's arm for dear life. Her voice was panicked and rushed. The feeling was rising more and more inside of her and she knew soon, it would be strangling her if she stayed in this place.
"We have to go." She said urgently, her eyes desperate. "I can't stay here, Rin we have to go. I can't do this,"
"Yes you can."
"No," Sakura said shaking her head vigorously. Any courage she once had fled the moment she stepped into his apartment, "I can't."
"Yes you can and you will." Rin said firmly her eyes hard like stone and her face stern like a mother. "We won't be here all day and nothing is going to happen to you. Now come, let's sit down and take deep breaths. You're doing great," she encouraged.
Sakura managed a small smile. Just like what Sasuke had said. She's doing great. She had to focus to keep her connection with him. He was far better at it than she was she was sure he could it and multitask but she couldn't. But that was all she had needed. Just his voice alone had calmed her down drastically.
Sakura nodded numbly and took a seat with Rin on the dirty brown couch. Rin held on to her hand tightly and reassuringly, never once letting go. She was holding Sakura together in an indescribable kind of way.
The feeling she felt when she just saw him was growing stronger. She was forcing herself not to feel it, not to yield to it but it kept building and building. Unrelenting. His apartment wasn't that big but it was cozy, the colors of light blue and an earth brown. An odd match but then again men weren't always the best designers.
The more Sakura looked around the sicker she felt. There were picture frames everywhere. Some –very few like two- had Sakura's image in them when she was young, too young to even remember those being taken but others –all of them- were of her mother. Frames hung on the walls, they were on the coffee table, the night tables at the each arm of the long couch they sat on, a frame hung over the entrance to the kitchen too. So many photo's of her on different days, different times in her life, some of her mother she didn't even recognize which must have been taken before she was even born. Her name too. Her name was itched into the cushions, on the cloth that hung off arm of the couches and even spelled out above the goddamned mirror in the living room.
"Rin…" Sakura trailed off unable to even find a word to describe just how much her mother was now suffocating her in the room.
"Yes I know. When she becomes topic all he can talk about is how much he loves her." She whispered under her breath. "There is more to him. He's odd and off I'm sure just more to him."
"Right but do you not see-"
"So I just wasn't really…I mean I didn't think you guys were still coming with the jams at the stations and- wait do you want sugar in your chocolate milk?" he asked quickly putting two mugs down on the coffee table in front of them.
"No thank you." Rin said brightly taking up the mug. "I thought about canceling a few times but the stations are going to be jammed every day as long as it's still winter so it wouldn't have made a difference."
"I suppose-" he coughed awkwardly, "that you're right. Have you even seen the roads? It took me an hour just to get to work this morning, I mean I'm not working a full day today like you know but still being late wasn't the highlight and rush-hour is just about every hour."
Rin nodded taking a sip of the chocolate milk. Sakura had no motion to take the mug or even shrug out of her winter coats. She just sat there still as ply board.
"Wow this is really good; did you put something in it?"
He shrugged and fidgeted nervously. So nervous. Why? Sakura couldn't figure it out. "I just put a little nutmeg in there; you know to give it a little zing. It's much better with it," he agreed.
"Sakura," Rin's voice was gentle, "why haven't you tried any? It's really good, better than how we make it at home if I say so myself."
"I uh…okay," she said leaning forward.
Sakura didn't even blow it she just took two huge gulps. She didn't even taste it. All she did was feel the fire burn her throat and ripped the walls of her stomach in half. She felt it scold her tongue and she knew she would still be feeling it tomorrow. She leaned forward and put the cup down and then pulled off her gloves.
"So," Rin said carrying the entire weight of the conversation, "How is work these days?"
"Its…um...ah… well it's better you know, I'm an ah an asset to the company so of course they're giving me time to get myself together which is going pretty well. It's been better these days, this new start and everything was uhm everything I suppose was necessary?"
"Why haven't you said my name?" She blurted out.
He did a double take. "What?"
"Since I got here you haven't said my name. You haven't acknowledged me. Why?"
He looked at her for what must have been the very first time. As in he really looked at her, his own eyes locking with her own. He shifted in his seat as if he was suddenly uncomfortable. "You can imagine how hard this is for me and all of that." He explained.
"Yes it must be so difficult for you." Sakura said sarcastically. "You look well," she said hiding the bitterness like a professional.
He nodded. "You look beautiful."
He was so odd Sakura thought titling her head and staring at him inspecting him. He was so damn odd and not in the sense of all the pictures of her mother but him on a whole. The more she stared at him it was like his face was peeling away. He seemed so nervous but at the same not even phased by her presence. His eyes they were blue but bleak and flat. He wasn't excited to see her but he wasn't annoyed either. He was merely indifferent at her presence. So completely and totally indifferent. Sakura's brows creased. He wasn't nervous because of her. He was nervous about people. People made him uncomfortable but he didn't….the smile was well rehearsed. Pretending.
"Thank you." She choked out.
He leaned back in the chair. "So what can I do for you?" he asked cutting straight to the point the second he saw her. She watched his face drift away just enough to see the monster hiding away clearly inside of his lifeless eyes.
"What?"
"What can I do for you? What's your reason for being here?" he explained. "Rin uh has been stopping by and I haven't seen her since the day I got married and now you. C-clearly you have a reason for coming here and being the i-i-isolated man that I am now, this entire thing makes me highly uncomfortable. No offense Rin,"
She held up her hands passively. "None taken," Rin assured him smiling.
Sakura looked down at her hands as she played with her leather gloves. She remembered that Sasuke gave her these just the other day. "I just…" she cleared her throat. "I just thought that I'd come by to see if you were okay or if you know…we could…" she wanted to finish by saying start a relationship but she couldn't get the words out. She felt like she would regret them the second she said them.
"We could what?" he asked bluntly staring at her but hardly even seeing her. He wasn't looking at her or through her he was looking right past her as if looking directly at her was the hardest challenge in his life and he rather not do it.
She as a person had no effect on him. "I just…"
"And you still have that intolerable thing about you." He said blinking like he'd ignored her presence before because he knew she would bore him. "If you have something to say just come out and say it. You didn't come all this way to sit on my couch and stutter."
She heaved in through her nose. And there it was. The feeling manifested itself so strongly Sakura literally felt herself turning blood red all over. Hate. Hate so strong and so brutal. There it was, wrapped around her like a cloak and she couldn't get out as she stared at this man who was getting his life together. You couldn't see it. You couldn't tell. You wouldn't be able to know. There was no trace of it anywhere on him. No one would believe the kind of man he was, the hate and disgust in his voice, the way his fists felt like bricks with his entire world a slur and a blur. He took everything from her and here he was. Happy and forgiven without her in his life after all he took away from her. How was that fair?
The hate made tears come to her eyes. She wanted to jump from her chair and strangle him to death. All she could see as she looked at –No THROUGH- this man was all he had done to her and all he had taken from her. All the years of her childhood, all the memories she had and all her self esteem that he took from her stared her right in the face, smiling at her about how better his job was getting and how nutmeg was the best thing to put in chocolate milk.
He beat her into the ground and even buried her inside of it. He drugged her more times than she could ever count and degraded her in ways even now she couldn't believe, warping her perception of life and her role in it. He destroyed her down to her cells so far and deep she wasn't even close to beginning to fix it. He took every piece of her that he could even branding her like she was some kind of animal. Like she was swine. Here he was and you could never tell. You would never know. Smiling right in her face but as she looked at him harder she could see beneath him and the monster that laid there. She hated him. She hated him and he never loved her. He never loved her. He never wanted to love her and he never would.
"That we could have a relationship." She said holding her head high.
The smile was slow and his eyes lit like a match. However darkness flooded her vision as she sat across from him and stared at the smile now on his face. He ran his fingers through his pale pink hair and coughed to hide the laugh.
"Yes Rin had said something about a relationship. I can't say I don't recall." He admitted. "Rin, do you mind if me and this girl speak in private? This specifically is between me and her. Surely you understand."
Rin looked at Sakura. "That's your call to make sweetie." She said.
He can't touch you. Sakura's inner said. So far she had only been a mere spectator. You hear me? He ain't putting a finger on you. I swear it.
Sakura nodded. "It's fine." She agreed. "He's right."
He stood and Sakura stood with him. She followed him through a short corridor and into a small room that apparently served as his office. A book shelf covered one wall and the other there was a large desk with stacks of papers, a computer that was on and a window that was shut. There was one extra chair in the room and Sakura sat down. He closed the door, leaned against it, folded his arms and smirked at her. He just stared at her for a very long time like she was idiotic but also precious.
"You look so much like her it disgusts me." He said shaking his head. "Stained all over your face with that nasty pink hair of yours but you look like her alright."
Bullet number one. Sakura felt it like it pierced her left shoulder. This was who he was. Not drunk but he was still no saint. Clean but he was still not human at least not fully. His demons had taken him a long time ago and he couldn't get himself back. Sakura could see it.
"I heard you're clean." She said being the bigger person and not yielding to the bait.
He nodded his body careful. "I am." He said. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again yet here you are."
Sakura swallowed her tongue tender. "Yes. Here I am."
"Why?" He demanded. "So we can start a relationship? If I wanted a relationship with you in any form we would already have one."
"I just thought-"
"You thought wrong." He cut of her off his voice lethal. "Sending a woman I've never liked to scope me out it's like you don't know me at all. You didn't have any friends to tell you how terrible of an idea this was? Granted you're smart for not coming here alone or I'd have crushed your head into my tiled floor the second I saw you."
Bullet number two and three. Sakura nodded. "I suppose I was in the need for a father figure. You can imagine just how many daddy issues I have."
He cackled, his head titled back. He nodded. "If I didn't dislike you so much I might have been impressed." He admitted his eyes glowing- amused. "However I'm not. I made it a point of my duty to throw you out and I want you to stay out."
"One can never say I didn't try. I just wanted to do my part to have something but apparently this was the biggest mistake of my life." She muttered forcing the tears to recede into her skull.
Her palms were sweating and her heart was beating so fast she was shaking. The hate was so powerful the rage. She wanted to burn his apartment down; she wanted to rip every inch of everything around her to shreds. She wanted to make him hurt. She wanted to wound him and destroy him as much as he destroyed her but she didn't know how to do it. Even keeping her head high and being the bigger person was hurting her. It was hurting her that she had worked so hard for nothing. She was trying to forgive him. She was trying to forgive him and let go of everything wrong thing he had done to her. Didn't he see? She was trying to let him go and forgive him but if she had a gun, temporary insanity would take her and she'd empty the entire gun into his body.
"I don't want you here. I don't want you in my life. I don't want you in my apartment. I don't even want you in my fucking town. If your little blonde whoring little friend hadn't come and taken from you from me I would have killed you. Not an opinion that is a straight fact. Do you know what I see when I look at you?"
"I don't want to know,"
"You are an incurable disease. You infect and destroy and turn my entire life into spoils. You ruin everything you touch and come across like a plague. You are nothing and no one. All I see when I look at you is skin and bones. Not even a pile of rotting dead bodies can disgust me and make my stomach churn the way you do. I see a festering rotting hideous wound when I look at you." He shook his head. "There is a reason why you have nothing. Why I don't want you around –never have- and I never will, you could be dying on the streets. I don't even want to breathe the same air as you. All I see when I look at you are every damn flaw and imperfection in this universe clustered together like trash."
Bullet number five and this time her body jerked backward from the blow. This was a mistake. She shouldn't have come. She should have listened to her friends. She should have listened to Ino. She shouldn't have cut Ino off because of what she had said. Ino was right.
Her hands balled into a fist. She remembered the beatings like they were from yesterday. She remembered the blood and the scars. She remembered the hospitals, the surgeries. She remembered it all. Over and over again. He never got tired of hitting her. He never got tired of taking it out on her. He never got tired to breaking her repeatedly. He never tired of seeing her suffer. She was trying to be the bigger person but she was going to hit him where it hurt and she was going to hit him hard. The rage blinded her.
Sakura stood on her feet and met his gaze head on. She had allowed herself to have hope against hope. She had allowed herself this risky window of the possibility of sitting down with him and having a conversation but now, standing before him she could not even stomach the idea. Everyone made mistakes and this was one of hers. This was one of hers and she refused to embarrassed by this. She shouldn't have come. She had known this and they had all told her the truth and she didn't listen. This is what she deserved to have coming to her but this had been her decision, her mistake and her lessen to learn. He made her stomach churn.
"Do you know what I see when I look at you?" She asked her voice as gently as the wind during a sunset. "I see a man who has lost himself in a woman who has been trying to leave him and even after she left trapped and stagnant in a past that will never come back to you and longing for a woman that would never set foot over this threshold as long as you live. I see a man who has her stapled everywhere all over his house, reliving something long lost and gone. I see a man who drank his entire sorrows and downed himself in the depths of himself, destroying everything and everyone. I see a man who could never look at me and love me because the woman he loved had been taken away. A man stuck and afraid like a child who is afraid of water after having almost drowned, barely able to stomach the hurt and the pain and the lost. I see a man that has no one and nothing now. Not his wife. Not his daughter. Not his home and not even himself." She pulled the door open.
"I do not love you Sakura."
She looked back at him and the hate left her body instantly. Lost in the wind and suddenly as she stared at him she felt sorry for him. He wanted to hurt her like her mother had hurt him. He wanted to break her like how living without Mebuki had broken him and crippled him. She felt sorry for him. She did not forgive him and she would never forgive him but a part of her, very small, pitied him now.
"I don't need you to. Not anymore."
Well I guess that's that for this chapter guys. I hope you all enjoyed it. I'd like to know what you thought of their encounter and how Sakura handled and whether her feelings about the entire ordeal was justified or not. As usual have a great week everyone!
Much Love,
D.v
