/ Thank you all my lovely readers! And now, confession time!
Chapter 53: These Four Walls
/
Hatori releases his hold on her shoulders, dread overwhelming him to the point of feeling like he's about to lose his dinner via his mouth. He can't pull her close, hold her, feel her. He can't tell anyone that she belongs to him. He can't fucking do anything. It's someone has his hands bound by chains, behind his back. It's like their relationship doesn't exist outside these four walls. It's as insubstantial as the morning fog settling over a small beach town. Just as soon as he feels the biting cold, it's gone, leaving him breathless with nothing but vague memories. And, since when did he care about all that?
Feelings used to be so silly.
Something he flicked away with his fingers. Something he never dealt with because it was just too complicated and worrisome. And now it's all come to the surface. White-hot, blinding, desperate.
I don't understand why I care so much about us outside of these four walls. It doesn't matter, right? As long as we know it, right?
Since there was a chance that you could lose her from right under your fingertips. She lives with the calculating dog who wants to place his paws all over her, like she's some toy. She comes into contact with him everyday. She lives in a testosterone-filled house for goodness sake! They are always interacting, like a family, or some semblance of one. She doesn't their chores. She washes his underwear for goodness sake! You can't do anything about it. You can't compete with that. You can't be there. That's why you feel so inferior.
You don't have a home to offer her.
In fact, you don't have much to offer her.
I feel worthless, because I can't do anything to protect the woman I…
He lifts his hand and cups the back of her neck, pulling her head close to his chest. In turn, he rests his cheek against her hair.
"Hatori, I love you. Nothing else matters. You could never lose me."
Hatori lets out a small, mirthless laugh. "What kind of man am I that I can't even protect you?" I can't give you a place to call home. I'm living like a prisoner to the demands of a twenty-something year old 'God'! I am so weak and useless and simply pathetic.
"You are my man. It was my fault anyways. If I had known how strongly you felt about it, I would have pushed away his advances. I'm sorry, Ha'ri. It won't happen again."
It's not you I'm worried about. It's him.
Them.
All of them. Looking at you like they want to possess some part of you.
Tohru looks up at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "Thank you." For caring about me so deeply. I'm sorry I angered you. But this is the proof I need. You care for me, as I do for you.
"I'm sorry I can't be with you tonight." He whispers against the shell of her ear. I want to show you how much you mean to me. Love you. Fill you.
"It's okay."
Because as long as you are in my mind, my heart, it's enough.
/
"Let's go Shigure, Tohru needs to get to school."
"Coming!"
It's six a.m. and we're driving back to the city just in time for my 10 a.m. class. Hatori and I have packed everything into the car. We're just waiting on Shigure who is grooming himself in the bathroom while whistling a whimsical, catchy tune. Before I know it, I've memorized it, and I've started to hum it under my breath. Gosh. He finally comes out of the house and scuttles down the steps to meet us. His hair is neatly parted down the side, not a single tendril out of a place. It's in contrast to the disheveled state that Hatori and I are in. I didn't get much sleep last night. I kept mulling over things. The pain in Hatori's face when he said those things to me. It's the closest to a confession I'm going to get. I'm grateful. I'm in love.
Then why do I feel so sad?
How can he be afraid of losing me? I'm the one who relies on him! I need to get to the bottom of this. Have I not shown him enough how much I love him?
The drive back is quiet. I feel melancholy because our time together is over, for now. I can't explore the deeper context of Hatori's outburst last night. But at least I know how much he cares about me. And I will abide by his rules to stay away from Shigure. I love Hatori. I would do anything for him. And I can wait forever. To hear the words come from his mouth. It's not like I can't live without hearing them, but it would be the ultimate confirmation. His utter devotion. I shouldn't be so nitpicky, after all, I was the reason he behaved so rashly last night. But it's a girl's greatest desire. And despite my lust curse, I'm still just a plain girl who wants to be loved.
/
Hatori drops me off a block away from school. He's just started to give a once-a-week seminar, and it would not be ideal to be seen with a student. Teacher-student boundaries and all. I wave both of them good-bye. Hatori gives me a curt nod and Shigure leans out the window and calls out, "See you at home, wifey!"
Oh Kami. I can feel my cheeks burn as I turn away quickly. I'm lucky I don't slam right into the streetlight in front of me. Does he know what is going on between us? Because it sure seems like he's 'hitting us where it hurts'. He knows exactly what to say to get a rise out of Hatori and make me burn with embarrassment. Oh well, he has to be stuck in the same car as the fuming dragon for the duration of the ride back. He's getting his just deserts. Muwhaha. He's at Hatori's mercy. Ahem, wrath. That isn't too good. But hopefully I won't be enduring anymore of those outbursts when I get home this afternoon.
/
"Shigure, can you not spew those shameless comments out of a moving car, with me in it, no less?" Hatori tries to keep the bite out of his voice, but it seeps in furious ocean tide.
"I can do what I want." Shigure replies haughtily.
And I can't, dammit! That's what's gotten me in such a state! I can't act freely like you. I can't take her to the night club and get totally wasted. I can't confess complete and utter devotion and make silly statements of love and marriage. I can't throw caution to the wind. I have to be the responsible one. I always have to. It's been my duty since I was born with my curse.
If I don't…
There are unthinkable consequences.
"Just not at Tohru's expense, please. She's a student."
"It's not like there's anyone around. Her reputation is intact. No one will associate little old me with her, okay?"
I will! Keep your grubby paws off!
"I told you already. Just leave her alone."
"Since when have you become protector of her maidenhood? You've been acting all sorts of strange, don't think I haven't noticed." Shigure says, turning an inquisitive eye to his friend who is staring at the road ahead of them with single-minded focus. Shigure notices that the man's hands are gripping the wheel like he's going to squeeze the life out of them. His knuckles are white and the veins along his arms are bulging out. Odd.
"Don't toy with her."
"I'm not. I'm serious. I've told you that already."
Hatori suddenly comes to an abrupt halt by the side of the road, the tires screeching on the sheet of gravel. They are already in the forest, almost home. "Leave her the fuck alone!" He shouts, facing the man in the passenger seat.
"What the fuck is this? You keep acting like you're her… Oh my –" Shigure's eyes suddenly grow wide with shock and realization. His hands involuntarily move up to cover his mouth like he's just let out of the biggest secret of his life. It's dawned on him. He's figured the mystery puzzle out. All the stolen glances, the awkward silence between them when he enters the same room,… oh Kami. How could he not realize? "It's that hypothetical question you asked me a long way back. You… love with her?" His eyes are searching Hatori's, which are suddenly clouded with something… emotion – jealousy, rage, pain? The seahorse has never shown any trace of any emotion since Kana. He's had the emotional capacity of a thimble. Has Tohru somehow melted the ice around Hatori's heart? Just like she has his?
That's why he's been so blind… to this…
"Yes."
"Does she know?"
"Yes, er – well, sort of."
How could I not have seen the signs? They were staring at me. Shigure reflects sullenly. "What do you mean by that, sort of? It's a binary answer."
I haven't said it in those words exactly. Because I can't. I've afraid it will jinx everything we have. That everything will just slip through my fingers like sand. Like before. Am I being foolish for thinking that? For placing my heart in the hands of fate, and not my own doing?
"It's suppose to be simple, Hatori." Shigure says. As if he's somehow the word of wisdom. Well, he does know more about love that the celibate dragon.
Hatori starts up the car again and drops Shigure off at the house. He doesn't want to continue this conversation any further. It's ripping his heart apart. He knows how much he… her. Yeah, he still can't get the words out. Not when it means the most. To her.
But until the day when he gathers up enough courage, he will act upon the word he cannot say.
Please wait for me, Tohru.
/
A/N: 5.13.2013 - Bet you guys thought H was gonna confess to Tohru from the top A/N, eh? -evil me- Please refer to Chapter 27: Guidance for that convo between H and S, if interested. :)
Readers: it's never too late to say hi!
SolemnPassive: Ooo, freshly squeezed lemonade with just the right about of tart and sweet? Yum!
Mcangel1976: Shigure knows now, but will he back down easily?
Guest/ Duckie(!): Exactly! S can spew whatever he wants – while H has to sit back and take it. Yes, H is ice-cold p-e-r-f-e-c-t-i-o-n. For the manga: I always hope that deep in him somewhere there is some unrequited love for her. Teehee, the romantic in me.
Phenylephrine: Yep, S it is! You hit the target: S can do whatever he wants! He's doesn't have the same responsibility as H. How'd u like his possessive behavior here? Now he just has to tell her.
Kouga's older woman: THANKS!
Tsukiakage: Thanks! Enough S action for u, eh?
Infinity1: hello girly! Thanks so much, I'm love to turn the story into a live-action; who would star… hmmm… thanks 4 dubbing me the master of ahem –blush-… hahahah, I'm so proud that u were thinking the 'that's what she said' in ur daily life… too funny! -H's stormy eyes give u a wink melting u to a puddle of goo- 'does he really have the hots for Tohru or is he just getting Hari's goat?' – yes, what is that enigmatic dog up to? 'Or his seahorse as the case may be...but omg that sounds dirty.' – making me giggle like a weirdo… haha, innocent things taken out of context can easily turn… raunchy… muwhahaha! Love ya!
Kris11993: Hello! Where is all Ha'ri's discipline going? He's turning into Gure – uncouth and possessive…! You make me all happy with your kind comments. Squee! And Gure reminding u of the dog in Up – now that you mention it… yes! Very little attention span! Is T just a passing fancy for him? And that movie was adorable – Russell's voice, aww! Too cute for words! Innuendos: please give me more! –high fives u back- And ur comment about the cars – totally agree… H as a stationwagon – plain and reliable… and btw, I have a major crush on cars too… so random and weird for me… any time I see a fancy one –swoon- Bentley…not what I was expecting… but still… and have u noticed… it's always older gentlemen driving the fancy cars… never some young hot guy. :( with age comes $. Ur description of Gure as a car: "Slightly feminine. Attractive." Hahahah! Studies show: man with more feminine traits (sensitive, emotional) equals better partner…
[RANDOM INTERJECTION: Just looked up some cool info (hope u don't mind my sharing here ^_^): having more masculine features makes him prone to competition, violence, cheating, and bad parenting. More feminine traits (rounder face, softer features) – good parent, supportive… but alas, testosterone is the cause of those more masculine features as well as healthy and virile… and what us girls are drawn too… darn this!
What do you think?]
Alwayskougacola: stake that claim, Ha'ri! Don't let S get his way, that wily old dog! lovable annoyance… THE SHADOW KNOWS... love your one-liners, missy! MOAR!
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