Chapter Eight

Meredith turned and leaned on the door to the scrub room, tears in her eyes. She wrapped her arms around herself and gnawed on her lower lip. It had grown late, and the hallways usually teeming with life were deserted. It echoed the emptiness she felt at being banished from the gallery, unable to know what was happening with Alex.

She knew he was in good hands. April had gone in to do the guided intubation, Owen scrubbed in just for back up, and Amelia was ready. They were all as prepared as possible, yet she was as unprepared as ever to face the hours long wait alone. She found herself walking, never having made a conscious decision of where to go, and was soon at the doors of the hospital chapel. Her hand reached out to touch the brushed nickel handle and rested there a moment before pulling the door open.

After a moment's hesitation, she stepped inside. Slowly, she made her way forward down the row of pews, allowing her hand to to slide along the tops of the mahogany benches. She selected a location in the middle of the row, and sat, absorbing the silence.

It wasn't the first time that she had been in this room; in fact, she had visited a few times. Sometimes she went just for the silence, to escape the chaotic madness that the hospital could be on occasion. Other times, she would go when trying to work something out. Those times, she would talk to Derek to seek out any guidance he may have to offer. And yet other times, she found herself there when something bad was happening. She didn't know why she went during those times, but it had just seemed like the thing to do. This, however, was none of these times

She had found herself replaying April's prayer from earlier, "She has been through more, survived more, than anyone, but she keeps getting up in the morning. That's faith!" Was April right? Did she have faith? As she contemplated this, snippets of the horrors of her life flashed through her mind like the trailer for a very angsty movie: her mother's Alzheimer's, the explosion of the bomb, her drowning, George's death, Derek shot, her miscarriage, the plane crash, Lexie's death, Mark's death, nearly bleeding out during her in the dark c-section, Derek's death, being assaulted in the hospital. It seemed like too much for an army of people to have gone through, yet this was her story. Why had she continued to get up in the morning?

She didn't know how long she had been sitting like that when she spoke. "I – " She began, but emotion threatened to derail the conversation. She cleared her throat as she continued. "I don't know what to do here. So I'm just going to talk." Tears welled in her eyes. "All of this crap – sorry – I mean, what's the point? I got all whole and healthy and Derek died. And I got through it, and I found Riggs. And his freaking – sorry – his wife comes back from the dead. And I'm okay with that, too, because if it had been Derek, I would have been gone. And now, unbelievably, I fell in love with Alex. It's finally time to be happy, and he slips on the damn – sorry – floor, hits his head and may be paralyzed? Seriously?! Am I such a horrible person that these things keep happening? I guess I'm just asking for a break. Please just let all the awful stop and let happiness win for once. Please let Alex be okay. I can't imagine living without him."

She stopped speaking when she felt someone sit next to her. She jumped up when she saw it was April. "Is he…?" she was too emotional to finish the sentence.

"He's out of surgery. Nerve signals are all intact. It looks good."

Meredith sunk down on the bench in sheer relief. She took a few steadying breaths and turned to April.

"I didn't know how to do it, so I just talked."

April smiled at her. "That's kind of it. Prayer is a conversation between you and God. He doesn't care how it sounds. He just wants you to talk to Him."

"Yeah?"

April nodded. "Yeah. You did really well."

Meredith smiled. "Thanks."

April placed her hand on Meredith's. You ready to go see him?

Meredith nodded, brushing a tear from her eyes.

"Come on," April said, gently, leading her from the room.

A small crowd had assembled outside of his room when she got there, including Amelia, Owen Maggie, Arizona, Richard and Bailey. She recognized what this was – they were keeping vigil. She had seen enough of them to last a hundred lifetimes, but it was comforting to have her hospital family all there for them.

Amelia stepped forward when she saw Meredith. Her eyes were tired, but shone with happiness. "It went well. Very well. We took a bone graft from his right hip, so he may have some soreness for a while. Nerve signals were all intact. I want to use early ambulation protocol, so we're going to get him up and walking in a few hours."

Meredith went to her. "Thank you, Amelia." She reached out and pulled her into a hug, and Amelia hugged her back tightly.

After a minute, Amelia pulled away. "Go. Go to your guy."

Meredith smiled, and turned to go into Alex's room. She pulled a chair to the side of the bed, then kissed him lightly before sitting down. She held his hand, and soon began to feel the exhaustion of the day. Still holding his hand, she leaned forward and rested her head on the edge of the bed.