Chapter 52
Sometimes you wake up and there's a voice that tells you that today is a special day.- Harry Dresden, Blood Rites
Shirou lay on his futon as sunlight began to lighten the room around. He hadn't gotten much in the way of sleep last night, and when he had managed to, he'd been overwhelmed by more dreams of Saber.
He knew he was at a crossroads. He had a decision to make. The Grail War had kicked into high gear, and it was clear by now that it was going to stay like that for a while. Berserker was gone, and they had made their first run at Caster. It was only a matter of time before Caster made her next move.
But, what he found more pressing than that was Saber and her wish for the Holy Grail. She wanted to change the past, to erase her part in history and, more pressing to him, her part in his life.
Shirou grimaced and tried to parse out the swirl of emotions running through him at the thought of Saber. She was someone who was stuck in a bitter cycle, bound to fight endlessly until she achieved her goal and then removed herself from history and his life. Every time he thought of that, he just got more and more frustrated.
Why? he thought. Why is this bothering me so much?
When had everything gotten so complicated? Well, that was easy to figure out. Everything had gotten strange when the world had tipped upside down and he'd been dragged into a battle royale between mages and epic heroes of myth and history.
Words echoed in Shirou memory, words he didn't want to remember. 'Surely, you've realized by now that your wish will not come true without a clear and distinct villain. Even if you refuse to admit it to yourself, a hero of justice must have a villain to defeat. Without that, all your battles will be meaningless.'
And then: 'Your own worst enemy is the image you have of yourself in your head.'
Shirou growled. He didn't need their voices adding to the confusing swirl in his head.
It all came down to a simple question. What did he want? His purpose in joining the Grail War had been to try and stop the other Masters from going too far or from using the Grail to do irreparable damage. But… at some point that had become a secondary objective.
When did this become about anything other than helping others? Shirou thought. When I insisted on fighting by myself, despite the skill I saw in both Saber and Link? When I decided to fully rely on their help and skill? When I made a sword for Saber and Link put his life on the line to save Rin?
Shirou sighed and adjusted his position on his futon. He wasn't going to get anywhere if he kept lying to himself. Link had never been the problem. The issue had started before Link had even entered the picture.
Everything had changed when he'd seen Saber appear in the shed. A beautiful girl framed by moonlight. Everything stemmed from that moment. Every personal crisis he'd faced had stemmed from Saber, not Link.
He'd leapt out to save Saber when she'd nearly been killed by Berserker. There hadn't been anything rational behind the action, not really. If he'd wanted to try and simply save his Servants, he'd have gotten involved when Link had been knocked unconscious.
In that moment, he hadn't wanted Saber to get hurt. He'd been hesitant about using Saber because he hadn't wanted her to be killed, and Link had been a convenient reason not to use her, because he could stay with him in his astralized form.
But… Whenever Saber had been placed in truly mortal danger, he had reacted with blind fear of losing her. Each and every time Saber had been on the verge of death or total destruction, he had gotten involved in some manner in order to save her.
He'd leapt in the way of Berserker's strike. He'd insisted on carrying her while fleeing through the forest. He'd used his second Command Seal. He'd… slept with her. He'd done all of that because, at the core of his being, he hadn't wanted to have a Saber shaped hole in his life.
I want her to stay, he realized. I want to see her smile. Despite all of the insanity that had gone on in the last two weeks, he wouldn't trade the moments he'd had with Saber for the world. She'd opened something in him and, he was startled to realize, he didn't want it to close again.
With Saber by his side, he felt like he could face any trial, any pain, and come out okay.
Something seemed to break in his chest and Shirou said the words he'd been trying to bury under reason and anger and thoughts of justice. Three simple, selfish words.
"I love her."
And that was the problem. He was in love with Saber, and she didn't want to stay in the world because she had doubts about her choices.
Shirou ground his teeth and fought back his frustration. There has to be a way to convince Saber to stay, he thought. Some way to show her the chance she has here. She didn't have to fight anymore. She'd already done that enough when she was alive. But… Saber seemed obstinately obsessed with fighting. How was he supposed to convince her to simply stop?
Then something struck him. What was it Harry had said to him?
'Where I come from, you can't perform an act of magic that you don't believe in. So learning the Art is something that really teaches you about yourself. It's also why black magic is so corruptive. It bends you just as you bend others.
'People help stop that, Shirou. Finding something to help you stay centered and alive helps stop that. For Rin, it's magic and learning. She loves the challenge and that helps her keep herself from going down the wrong path. For me, it was game night with Butters and the Alphas and friends like Michael. That's what Rin was talking about. Who, or what, do you have to save yourself?'
That was what Saber needed. She needed something she could enjoy. Something that kept her grounded. Something to save her from her own obsession.
Shirou rose to his feet and got dressed, purpose giving him strength. He knew what he had to do. He was going to try and show Saber the chance she had and to try and find something she enjoyed.
By some act of divine intervention, Rin was already at the living room table when Shirou entered, despite the early hour. She was enjoying a cup of tea and it took Shirou a half moment to realize that something was wrong.
Rin looked… disturbed. Haunted.
Her normal sense of composure was off in some nearly imperceptible way. If she hadn't been living with him for a while, he might not have even spotted it. Rin was a past master of wearing a mask to hide her real feelings, but Shirou could spot the way her shoulders were more tense and how she held the tea cup more stiff than she usually did.
"Everything okay, Tohsaka?" he asked.
Rin nearly jumped in surprise. "What?' she asked. "Yes, I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" Shirou asked. "Because you seem, off."
"I don't want to talk about it," she growled and took a drink of her tea. Shirou spotted the way she tried to make herself relax.
He was about to push the issue, but decided that annoying Rin first thing in the morning was an excellent way to get killed. He went to the kitchen to get started on breakfast.
"Hypothetically," Rin said and Shirou stopped and turned back to face Rin. She didn't look at him as she continued to speak. "How do you think a child would feel if she were given away to be adopted? Adopted into another family with no say at all?"
Shirou didn't answer immediately. Where's this coming from? he thought. Did something happen? And then another thought occurred to him. Does she know about me? Is that why she's asking?
"Emiya?" Rin asked, her eyes and head moving slightly to put him into her peripheral vision.
"Well," he answered. "It depends on the situation. If her new home was nice then she probably wouldn't complain, and if it wasn't nice, then she would complain."
Rin turned away. "I see," she said. "I guess you're right. Why am I even asking such an obvious question?"
"Rin," Shirou asked, taking a risk by being more familiar. "Is everything okay?"
"What's done is done," Rin answered. "There's nothing we can do about it now." Rin's posture became firm and decisive. "What we need to do now is decide what we're going to do next. What are your plans, Shirou?"
"I'm going on a date with Saber today," he answered.
Every trace of tension in Rin's body suddenly vanished and she stared at Shirou. Her composure slipped and her face began to twitch. Then she burst out in a long bout of laughter.
Shirou gave Rin an annoyed look which only made her laugh harder. "H-hold on," she wheezed between laughs. "I-I wasn't ready for that! Hahahahaha! That's so amazingly selfish of you, Shirou!"
"Shut up," Shirou told the girl. "I seem to recall you saying I should be more selfish. I realize that this isn't the right time, but I'm not letting you stop me."
"N-no," Rin gasped back. "It's not that. It's the thought of you going out on a date!" Then she fell back into her laughter, slapping her hand against the ground with glee.
Shirou fell into sullen silence, letting Rin get the laughter out of her system. After another moment, she finally settled down.
She let out a contented sigh and glanced at Shirou. "I needed that," she said and then smiled. "Do your best on the date. I like you guys."
The sudden shift from laughter to support was a surprise and it took Shirou a second to get his mind back on track.
"Thanks," he said.
The door opened and Harry entered, followed by Link and Saber.
"Any breakfast yet?" Link asked. Shirou shook his head.
"No, I was about to get started," he said.
"Cool, it'll go faster with both of us making it," the saber said and he and Shirou made the morning meal.
The others entered and everyone enjoyed the meal. Surprisingly, Pyrrha and Sakura were the first ones to leave once they had finished, the two of them claiming that they had something planned.
Not long afterward, Link managed to talk Taiga away. It was oddly out of character for the second saber, but the wink Link sent Shirou's way suggested that he, somehow, had an inkling of Shirou's plans for the day. Even Illya and her maids wandered off somewhere, leaving just Shirou, Saber, Rin, and Harry alone in the living room.
"So," Harry said. "Anyone think of anything to do about Caster?" he asked.
Saber shook her head. "Her position is too secure for anything short of a direct assault, and it's likely that she'll take drastic steps to stop us if we manage to break past the Assassins."
"Yeah," Harry said. "She's got enough juice to blow the temple into dust if she wants to. I don't think even your magic resistance could handle that." He glanced at Rin. "Any ideas?"
"Some," she said. "But we can talk about those later once Shirou heads out."
"Heads out?" Harry asked and glanced at Shirou. "Got something planned, Shirou?" Rin shot Shirou an amused look as both Saber and Harry fixed their gazes on him.
"Sort of," he said. Idiot, he thought. I have to be more confident. If I don't present a strong front, Saber will break it.
"Saber," he said. "We'll be going into New City today."
"New City?" Saber asked. "But Caster is hiding out in the temple. Or have you had an inspiration regarding Sinon or Lancer's Master?"
"No," Shirou answered, hiding the fact that he hadn't actually considered the possible appearance of the second archer. It didn't really matter, since it was daylight. "We're going to go hang out."
"Huh?" Saber asked, freezing in place while Harry's eyebrows raised. Rin stayed out of their sight, smothering her laughter. "Shirou," Saber asked slowly. "What do you mean by that? You are not going to hang out with Rin, but…"
"I'm going," Shirou said. "So who else would I have with me but you? Tohsaka and Harry have their own plans today just like everyone else."
"That's ridiculous," Saber said. "If it isn't a plan for Caster or one of the other Masters, then what does going out accomplish?"
By now, Harry was hiding a smirk and his own amusement was making Rin's efforts to hide her potential laughter even more difficult.
Shirou forwent the subtlety and put his intentions out clearly. "I'm asking you out on a date, Saber. How about it?"
Rather than comprehension, Saber's expression continued to look confused. Rin had stopped trying to smother her laughter and was watching the two of them. "I do not understand what you're saying," Saber replied. "If you want to go into town, that's fine, but I don't understand what you mean by 'date'. I understand this age, but not all of the technical vocabulary."
Shirou sighed. This was just getting more difficult, not less. "It's actually not technical vocabulary," he said. "But since you don't know, going out on a date means going out to play with a girl."
That got a reaction out of Saber. The Servant went completely still with shock at the implication.
"A… girl…" she said slowly, as if trying the phrase out for the first time. "You mean… me?" Shirou nodded, letting Saber come to the answer on her own.
Saber frowned. "I understand what you're saying," she said. "But not your intent. Why are you asking me this?"
Isn't it obvious? Shirou thought. He didn't say that out loud, though. By now, Rin had an exasperated expression on her face and Harry had stopped smirking, although there was still an amused twinkle in his eyes.
"Geez," Rin said. "She's misunderstanding because of the words you're using," she explained. "Don't use the word 'date', explain it to her in simpler terms."
"No modern terminology," Harry added, helpfully. "Using modern words on Saber is like using pop culture references on an immortal."
"Look, Saber," Rin said. "A date is basically a romantic rendezvous between two people who like each other." Saber's face flushed at Rin's description and Shirou coughed awkwardly. "If a guy is interested in a girl, this is an opportunity for him to prove it and win her heart."
"Think of it like courtly romance," Harry said. "Except with less intrigue and more popcorn."
Rin gave Harry a look. Shirou shared the sentiment, but left it be since Saber seemed to finally realize what it was Shirou was asking.
"It's not like we'll be able to fight during the daytime anyway," Shirou added. "We should be able to do anything we want. If you're worried about tracking down other Masters, Rin and Harry will probably work on that. There's no reason we can't take a day to ourselves."
Saber looked embarrassed. "That's true," she said. "But, this is too meaningless. There is nothing to be gained in doing this."
"That's not true," Shirou replied. "And even if it was, I wouldn't mind. I want to spend the day with you, so don't worry about me. I want to go out today, no matter what."
Saber thought about that for a long moment. "Then you will go into town by yourself if I don't want to go?" she asked.
"Yes," Shirou answered. Saber glanced around and there was something like a suspicious light in her eyes for a half moment. She suspected a trap. Probably because Link wasn't around and because he had conveniently drawn away one of the only people who might have been able to stop the situation.
"Then I will have to go with you," she answered. "As a Servant, I cannot leave my Master alone."
Shirou felt disappointment. Saber's only reason for going out was to keep Shirou safe from enemy Masters. He'd hoped that she might at least think about it as a day off from the War.
Well, he thought. At least she agreed to go out. Now I just have to make sure she enjoys herself.
The living room door flew open at that moment and Illya leapt inside, her body practically vibrating with excitement.
"I'll go out with you, Shirou!" she exclaimed. "If Saber's not in the mood, we can go out and have fun together by ourselves and Saber can do all the boring things today!"
Rin sighed as the girl nearly threw herself on Shirou with child-like glee.
There was a sudden change in the atmosphere of the living room. The temperature didn't shift and there wasn't any hostility in the air. There was simply more… attention facing the two of them.
Shirou and Illya turned, slowly, to face Harry. He didn't look angry and it didn't appear that he was readying his magic. He simply looked at them in that way that parents do when they want to convey something to their children who aren't listening.
"Illyasviel von Einzbern," he said, in a very calm voice. "I don't believe it's polite to eavesdrop."
Illya's face grew sullen and she pouted. She drew away from Shirou and fixed her full attention on Harry, clearly readying a response.
Harry gave her a sunny smile and waved his right hand. A hole appeared the girl's feet and, with an 'eep' escaping her, she dropped out of everyone's sight. There was a cushioned sound of impact and then the hole vanished.
"Well," Harry said. "That was fun." He smiled and looked at Shirou. "That'll buy you, maybe, five minutes. If you guys want to head out, now would be a good time."
"Right," Shirou said and rose to his feet. "Saber?"
She rose as well. "Very well, Shirou."
Author's note: This was fun to work on. Dresden got to indulge in Dad-mode for a moment, we have some character development for Rin, and we're finally at the date with Saber. Lots of excitement coming up to!
Guest: It was more that Saber has had to kill those who were close to her as well. It doesn't compare to what Dresden had to do, but it's somewhere in the same zip code. There's nothing more horrible than outliving your own child, and having to kill that child yourself only adds to it. And Saber has to have regretted it on some level, since that event is included in what she wants to erase.
On the whole, it really doesn't matter. Rin just needed to get Dresden centered, and reminding him of that certainly helped.
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Thanks for reading!
