Episode 3x09: Save Henry

As the Smoke Monster descended on beautiful British Columbia, Regina popped into Rumplestiltskin's cell. "Bwa hah hah! I've come to gloat!"

"Of course you have, dearie," Rumplestiltskin sighed.

"I cast your stupid curse and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"Brilliant. Glad you thought of that." The Dark One giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron. "It's a shame your daddy couldn't be here to see this." He cackled with sick glee. "No, just playing, it's great. That'll teach him to steal my woman."

Regina smacked him. "Stop enjoying this, damn it! You're sometimes my archenemy, and I've beaten you! I have everything I want!"

"Except a boyfriend."

Regina smacked him again. "That was a low blow, old man!"

"Thanks. So, shouldn't you be killing Emma, instead of wasting your time on more of our hilarious banter?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll get to that when I get to it," she snapped.

"Whatever. But you should really try to cut back on the vengeance and murder, before you end up ugly, miserable and alone like me." He broke down sobbing.

"I'm already miserable and alone, and as for ugly, that ain't gonna happen." She conjured a mirror and admired herself in it.

"Too smart to come to me for help, are you? Well, it won't last. It never does."

"Yeah, you're right, let's make a deal," Regina caved.

He glanced at his watch. "You fought the temptation for three and a half seconds. Congratulations, that's a new world record. Unfortunately, I'm not interested in making a deal with you. I mean, it's not like you've got the love of my life secreted away in a tower to bargain with or anything."

"Well, actually—" Regina was interrupted by the cry of a baby. "Rats, the plot beckons! We'll finish this conversation some other decade."


Emma crouched over the body of her son with her baby mama and baby daddy. "He's unresponsive and shows no signs of life. Should we kiss him?"

"No, we're too emotionally repressed," said Regina dismissively.

Emma rounded furiously on Pan. "Killing Henry is Regina's department, so knock it off!"

"I didn't kill him. It's not my fault the boy has no sense of self-preservation." Pan giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron. "Yeah, he definitely didn't inherit that from me."

"You're right, this is all David's fault, but you're still a jerk and I'm still gonna kill you!" Emma seethed.

Pan glanced over at Neal. "Hey, do you notice or care that your old man has disappeared off the face of the earth?"

Neal rolled his eyes. "I'd ask you what you did to him, but I already know the answer. Mental abuse, right?"

"Bingo!" Pan held up Pandora's Box.

"You robbed us of Henry's genius and Gold's?! We're doomed!" Emma wailed, drawing her chainsaw. "Well, all that remains is to die as I lived. Emma SMASH!"

Pan batted the chainsaw away. "As much as I love messing with you people, I'm afraid I have an appointment to strangle some kittens in fifteen minutes." He took flight. "So long, suckers!"

Emma ran back to her son's side. "How is he?"

Regina shot her the Glare of Evil. "He's dead, brainiac. How the hell do you think he is?"


Archie shuffled nervously into Regina's office. "If you've called me here to offer to buy Pongo's skin again, I'm sorry, but he's not for sale and you'd look terrible in a spotted fur coat anyway."

"No, I called you here to gloat, but there just doesn't seem to be any point anymore," Regina sighed wistfully.

"Feeling depressed, are you? Well, there's a cure for that."

"A well-planned regimen of antidepressants and psychotherapy?"

"No, the overwhelming responsibility and emotional stress of motherhood."

"…Huh?"

"Hey, who's the professional psychologist, here?" Archie barked.

"Definitely not you, little bug, but you're the closest thing I could find in this town, so I guess I've got no choice but to listen to you," Regina acknowledged reluctantly.


Gold was over at the Little Pawnshop of Horrors, basking in his own evil, when Regina barged in, as usual. "Gold, I need you to give me a child."

Gold thought long and hard about mocking her choice of words. "Nah, too easy," he finally decided.

"Gold, this is serious! I want to adopt, and I figure the fourth time is the charm."

Gold was confused. "If you want a child, can't you just make one with your love slave and cut out the middleman?"

"Nah, I don't think Graham would make the best father. I don't want my kid to grow up biting strangers and licking his own crotch."

"Hm, good point. But are you sure you've got what it takes to raise a child and not poison it the first time it ticks you off?"

"Uh…yeah," Regina fibbed.

"I don't know about this. When you're a parent, you have to put your child first, all the time, even if it means knifing some jerk in the back. In fact, especially if it means knifing some jerk in the back." Gold giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron.

Regina eyed the pawnbroker suspiciously. "Are you sure you have amnesia?"

Gold shrugged. "Eh, who knows?"


Regina stuffed Henry's corpse in a bag of ice. "Here, this ought to keep him from rotting while we go track down that damn quasi-kid Pan."

Emma turned to Neal. "You were a Lost Boy. Shouldn't you have some idea where he might be?"

"You'd think so, but no," said Neal.

"You suck! Next time you die, you may as well not bother coming back!" Regina snarled.

"Look, Regina, apart from the nonsensical affection for you mother, I understand how you feel—" Emma ventured.

"Like hell you do! You're a beloved princess at the top of a freaking love triangle! Nobody loves me but my Evil Regals and occasionally Henry."

"Yeah, you're right. I have no idea what it's like to be utterly alone, unloved and helpless. I'm just a dumpster baby." Emma deadpanned. "But insensitive as you are, with Henry and Gold gone, you're the brains of this family. So what are your orders, boss?"

"Panic!" Regina bawled hopelessly.

"No, don't panic just yet," Neal interrupted, nodding at Emma's bloodstained chainsaw. "We've got blind rage on our side, and that's the most powerful magic of all."


"Gold is in a box? This is the worst tragedy ever to befall our family! My husband and I are doomed to an eternity of youth in a magical tropical paradise!" Mary Margaret wailed. Neal gave her a dirty look. "Oh, and you're now an orphan. That's kind of sad, too."

"Will everybody just relax?" David piped up cheerfully. "I'm not going to stay dead and neither is Henry. Has our track record taught you people nothing?"

"Still, we'd better not tempt fate," said Hook. "Let's get searching. Pan could be anywhere on the island, so maybe we should have Regina perform a tracking spell."

"I'm afraid that spell only exists when the writers want it to," said Regina.

"Heh, who's useless now?" Neal taunted. "Looks like we'll have to ask Pan's girlfriend instead."

"I am not his—eh, who am I kidding?" sighed Felix. "But either way, you'll never defeat him! Pan is brilliant and gorgeous and he smells like heaven." Pan's biggest fangirl giggled dreamily.

"The only thing I hate more than people who hurt my son are people in love!" Regina grabbed the boy around the neck. "Say your prayers, kid!"

"Regina, stop," said Emma. "You catch more walking abominations of magic with honey than you do vinegar."

"We already tried that, Emma. I offered the little punks chocolate. I didn't poison it. What more do they want from me?"


Over at the Little Pawnshop of Horrors, Gold may or may not have been reminiscing about his past in the Enchanted Forest when Regina barged in, as usual. "Why did you call me here, Gold? Do you have news for me, or are you just messing with my head?"

"Yes," said Gold, holding out a file folder. "A baby boy from Arizona has been placed in a home dozens of state lines away. The case workers suddenly realized how illegal and impractical that was, so they cancelled the adoption and now the kid needs a home."


Rumplestiltskin's mundane equivalent sat behind a desk, rifling through Regina's references. "Well, this is all very impressive, but unfortunately, it's illegal to place a child for adoption without running numerous background checks and personally inspecting your home, so you'll have to leave now."

"I thought you might say that." Regina held out a basket. "But this may change your mind." She held out a basket.

Rumplestiltskin's mundane equivalent peered inside. "Is that a constrictor snake?"

She nodded. "His name's Kaa." The eyes of Rumplestiltskin's mundane equivalent took on a glazed look as he gazed into the snake's. "Now then, I'm sure you trust in me and standard procedure will not be necessary."

"Guh," drooled Rumplestiltskin's mundane equivalent. "The kid is yours. There is one catch, though. This is a closed adoption." He gave his paperwork a double-take. "Wait a minute, seriously? What is this, the fifties?" He shrugged. "Anyway, you won't have access to his parents' names, ethnic backgrounds, or history of magic lips and reptile genes."

"Lucky for them," said Regina darkly, biting into an apple turnover and laughing evilly.

"I choose not to notice that. Bring the kid in!" he yelled.

A social worker placed the baby in her arms, and Regina turned into a giggling mess. "Gee, I really hope this isn't permanent, Henry," she cooed mindlessly.

"Henry? That's a dumb name."

"It was my father's. He made the mistake of getting in my way several years ago." She smiled down at her new son. "But you'll never be that stupid, will you, precious?" Henry unsurprisingly started screaming.

"I know you're new at this, Miss Mills, but it makes children cranky when you threaten their lives."

"Hey, I'm his mother, so butt out!" Regina barked, picking her kid up and leaving.


Back at the child abuse capitol of the world, David had stepped out to use the bathroom, so it was left to Emma to give the heartfelt inspirational speech of the day. "Look, kids, I know exactly what you're going through. I used to feel like nobody loved me. Then I realized how stupid that was. I've got my adoring parents, my adoring son, my adoring subjects, and not one, but two adoring boyfriends." She smiled contentedly. "Where was I going with this?"

"You were trying to relate to us and failing miserably," a little dude named Tootles called out.

"Right, well, the moral of the story is that, in the end, everybody ends up being related to us, so why don't you just join our family and get it over with?"

"You're wasting your time," said Felix smugly. "I love getting shot at point-blank range for Pan's amusement, and so do they, right boys?"

"Uh…" The boys shuffled uncertainly.

Felix imagined himself a shotgun and pointed it at little Tootles' head. "I said, right, boys?"

"That's it!" Tootles imagined himself a helmet and shoved Felix away. "She's right! I'm sick and tired of hopping aimlessly around a campfire all day, every day! I want my Xbox back!"

"Atta boy! I'll buy you an Xbox! I'll buy you two!" said Emma eagerly. "Now where's Pan?"

"His thinking tree," said a chubby kid named Thud Butt. "It's where he goes when he wants to bask in his own evil."

"No! Not Pan's tree! I carved our names into that thing so many times!" Felix wailed in desperation.

Regina stuffed an apple in his mouth and trussed him up by the fire. "You're on thin ice, kid."

"Regina's being stingy with her tracking spells, so I'll need you kids to tell us how to get to this tree," Emma went on.

"Okay, but you have to promise you'll take us with you."

"No prob. You can live with Regina."

"Hey, I don't think so!" Regina and the children protested in unison.


Regina hadn't yet realized that being a single mother was counterproductive to having a social life, so she'd gone out to the only diner in town for a nice, quiet breakfast. Unfortunately, baby Henry was screaming like an angry Mills. "Quiet, Henry. I said, be quiet. Come on, don't you understand English? Oh right, my bad."

"Do you want some advice?" Granny offered.

"Me being my stubborn self, of course not, but you being your nosy self, I suspect you're going to give me some anyway," Regina grumbled.

"Yup. Read the kid a story."

"Reading is for nerds, coma patients, and Belle!" Regina balked. Henry screamed again. "Oh, fine, I'll give it a try." She placed the baby on her shoulder and cleared her throat. "Once upon a time, there definitely wasn't any such thing as Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." Henry protested this lame excuse for a fairy tale by puking on her shoulder. "Oh my gods! A baby who spits up after you feed him? I never heard of such a thing. You must be defective."


Regina decided to take Henry to Dr. Whale, since the good doctor had such a great track record when it came to saving her loved ones. "So, you say your baby spit up on your shirt and you're looking to find a treatment? Well, I guess I could sew his mouth shut, but in my professional opinion, it would be a lot cheaper and safer if you just got over yourself."

"This isn't about me! I'm afraid he's dying!"

Whale laughed. "Are you serious? Look at that face—he's way too cute to die."

"I don't think it's safe to rely on good looks to keep you from dying. It didn't certainly didn't do much for my poor Daniel."

"Well, I guess you could try looking at his birthparents' medical history to see if there's any risk of sickle-cell anemia, superpowers, reptile genes, and such."

"I can't, it was a closed adoption."

Whale raised his eyebrows. "Seriously? What is this, the fifties?"

Regina, being far too smart to go to Gold for help twice in one week, took out her phone to call Sidney. "Sidney, I need some help."

"All right, all right, you don't have to cry about it."

"I'm not—that's my baby." Terrified of jeopardizing her tough-girl image, she dumped the kid in Mary Margaret's arms.

"Wow, thanks, I've always wanted one of these!" Mary Margaret gushed.

"No, he's mine. Henry Mills, meet Mary Margaret Blanchard." Ominous music rang out somewhere in the distance. "That was weird." Regina shrugged and returned to her conversation. "Anyway, Sidney, I need someone stalked, and since David Nolan's in a coma, I figure you're the best man for the job."

"Naturally. Who am I stalking?"

"Henry's birthmom."

"You're looking for Henry's birthmom?" Sidney laughed. "I don't know why, but I find that hilarious."

"Just do it!" She turned around and found Henry lying peacefully in Mary Margaret's arms. "How did you do that?"

She shrugged. "All I said was 'comfort mode', and the kid quieted right down."

Regina took her baby back and he immediately started crying. "Damn it! Why does everyone who should hate me, love me, and everyone who should love me, hate me?"


"So Pan's thinking tree is located in the Pixie Woods?" Emma frowned. "Are there lots of pixies there?"

"No, we're not even sure what a pixie is, exactly," said little Tootles. "I think they're called that because the pixie dust grows there."

"And, uh, do the pixies use pixie dust? Or make it? Or have any sort of connection to it at all?"

"Same answer."

Emma was confused. "We'll figure that out later," she finally decided. "Right now, we need to focus on rescuing Henry."

"The Pixie Woods are deserted. Most visitors are put off by the mental strain of trying to figure out the name," Hook reported.

"Excellent, then we can save all of our ammo up for Pan," said Neal, readying a crossbow.

"'We?' I don't think so, buster!" Hook interjected. "I have to stay here and get our getaway boat fired up, and there's no way I'm leaving you alone with Emma."

"Agreed, you little player." Mary Margaret glared at the man who'd knocked up her little girl. "And there's no way I'm leaving her alone with Regina either. There are too many Swan Queen shippers lurking out there." She put an arm around her daughter and another around her stepmom. "Looks like it's just the three of us. Moms of the Enchanted Forest unite!"

"Fine. At least this way I can stay with Henry and make sure no one sells him." Neal shot Hook a warning glance.


Back at the Stepford House, Henry was still howling like Ruby with a toothache. "Come on, Henry! Shut up and I'll give you chocolate! With cinnamon!" she pleaded. Henry clammed right up. "Aw, that's my boy!"

Her clunky nineties cellphone rang. Sidney was on the other line. "Hey baby, I'm faxing you the dirt on your baby mama. Can we make out now?"

"Hell no." Regina hung up, looked at the fax, and started screaming along with her son.


Gold was over at the Little Pawnshop of Horrors, setting up some chess pieces in order to emphasize his position as Storybrooke's chess master, when Regina barged in, as usual. "Hey Regina. If this is about me hiring those kids to slit your tires, I can explain. I'm a jerk."

"Of course you are, but that's not what this is about! You hocked me a defective kid!"

"Did I? How delightfully evil of me."

"Stop playing dumb! His mother was found in the woods outside Storybrooke eighteen years ago! I'm not as blind as our viewers! I know this can't just be a coincidence!"

"You seem to be going mad with power and loneliness. You and I should talk some time," said Gold cheerfully.

"You really don't know what I'm talking about, do you?"

Gold shrugged. "Who knows?"

"Well, your possible ploy isn't going to work!" She picked up Henry and stormed out. "I'm taking this damn thing back to the pound!"


The Moms of Magical Children support group found Pandora's Box lying under Pan's wishing tree. Sardines, night crawlers, and dough balls had also been scattered around the tree. "This is obviously a trap," said Mary Margaret, "but death is preferable to a permanent tropical vacation with the man I love, so I'm going to risk it." She reached for the box and vines shot out to grab them all.

"Ugh, remind me never to team up with you again!" Regina growled.

Pan popped out of nowhere, as usual. "Aw, you stopped by for one last round of mental abuse before I kill you all? That's so thoughtful."

"No, we're here for Henry's heart!"

"You're such loving parents. I can relate. I mean, to the parents part, not the loving part," Pan drawled.


"I wrote out instructions for his bedtime, naptime, and feeding," said Regina, handing Henry off to Rumplestiltskin's mundane equivalent. "They all basically boil down to this. Fill his bottle up with cinnamon cocoa and he'll do whatever you want."

"No worries. If he likes sweets, he'll be happy to know that his new dads arrived here in a windowless van full of candy bars." He smiled reassuringly. "Take a minute to say goodbye to the kid, while I go do some spinning."

Regina smiled tearfully down at her son of twelve hours. "Henry, you're a wonderful little boy, but I was lying when I said I could promise I wouldn't kill you, and you deserve better than that." The baby flashed her his very first Little Orphan Henry smile. "Aw, screw it. I'm keeping you, and on the way home, we're stopping to get Mama's little angel a pony!"


Rumplestiltskin's mundane equivalent went into the next room to deliver the bad news to the prospective daddies. They both had paper bags over their heads. "Guys, will you take those off? This is serious."

"Sorry," said John and Michael Banks, throwing off their flimsy disguises.

Rumplestiltskin's mundane equivalent glanced back and forth between them dubiously. "Are you sure you guys are lovers? Because there seems to be a strong family resemblance between you, and that's just messed up."

"For the last time, yes, now where's our little bundle of freedom?"

"He's off to fulfill his destiny with his rightful mom and you guys are screwed."

The brothers paled. "You have no idea."


The members of the Moms of Magical Children support group were straining against their bonds in vain. Pan giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron. "You're wasting your time. The only way to free yourself is to be a sociopath like me."

Emma and Mary Margaret looked expectantly at Regina, who looked to Pan for further explanation. "What are you talking about?"

"This is the tree where I abandoned my son, Rumplestiltskin." They gasped. "Oh, don't act all surprised, it was so obvious."

"Rumplestiltskin is your son? Well, I guess that explains him," Regina mused.

"And now we know where Henry got his creepiness from," Emma added thoughtfully.

Mary Margaret shook her head. "I'm sorry, I know this is supposed to be shocking, but it's just coming off as nonsensical. You're a kid."

"Says the twenty-five year old grandma," Pan snorted.

"Well, so far I'm not impressed with you, Gramps," scoffed Regina. "Your son would have had us smeared us on the bottom of his shoe by now. And your great-grandson would have had us on our knees, crying and pleading for his approval, with nothing more than the power of his smile."

"Hey, I'm powerful, too!" said Pan defensively. "It's just that, er, the sun's in my eyes, and…uh…I'm not done absorbing the magic from Henry's heart!" He patted the trunk of the tree. "But soon I'll be more awesome than ever, and I'll never have to suffer the indignity of having to have a plant protect me again." The Moms of Magical Children support group snickered amongst themselves. Pan's cheeks reddened. "Hey, it's not as lame as it sounds! It's a magic tree, one that attacks the regret inside you."

"Hey Pan, I'll bet you regret not using birth control," Emma tried.

"Nice try, but I think you three angst queens have me beat." He indicated Emma. "You spared your beloved child a lifetime of hardship as the fatherless offspring of a teenage felon." He turned to Mary Margaret. "You selflessly saved your only daughter from certain death at the hands of a demented supervillain." He turned to Regina. "And you're a demented supervillain!"

"Why thank you," Regina demurred, her bonds dropping. "Granted, I'm not as demented and villainous as you are yet, but with my son by my side, anything is possible." She plunged her hand into his chest and tore out Henry's heart. "Bwa hah hah! Evil rocks!"

Emma looked at her mother and shrugged. "I'm starting to think she's got a point."

"That's the spirit!" Regina dumped some eye shadow out of her purse and stuffed the heart in in its place. "Now let's go #Save Henry!"


They rushed aboard the Jolly Rancher, which had been reassembled by someone, at some point, somehow, and ran to Henry's side. Regina took the heart out of her purse, scraped off some plaque, and shoved it back in. For a long moment, nothing happened. "Don't worry, he's a Charming," said Mary Margaret. "We always use dramatic timing when we get revived." Henry's eyes snapped open. "See?"

Henry bolted upright. "Good news, having travelled to the afterlife and back, I now know the nature of human mortality and the identity of the one true faith."

"You can tell us all about it when we're done spanking the sense back into you," said Regina, conjuring up a paddle.

"Aw come on!" Henry whined. "So maybe I threw my life away on the whim of some leering kidnapper, but I'm almost a teenager now. As parents, you're going to have to get used to me doing stupid, reckless crap like that."

"Parenthood blows," said Neal.

"We can talk about all that in the morning. It's several weeks past your bedtime," said Emma.

Hook came forward and took a bow. "Hello, I'm Hook and I'll be your beloved stepdad this evening."

"Humor him or he'll throw you overboard," Neal warned his son.

"Uh, maybe I'd better keep an eye on you for a while, honey," said Regina, edging nervously past the captain and draping a protective arm around her son.


At his next session with Regina, Archie looked baffled as he watched Regina cuddle baby Henry. "I never thought I'd say this, but he's made you, well, cute."

"Take that back!" Regina thundered indignantly.

"Yes, ma'am!" he squeaked nervously.

Regina relaxed. "Sorry, I'm just feeling a little edgy since I realized his birthmom is my archenemy. And I don't even want to think about who they're going to come up with as his father."

In his years as Regina's mental health care provider, he had learned not to question the weird stuff she said, in order to protect his own sanity. "Uh, yeah, that sounds pretty frightening, but you've got to live in the present. After all, it could be worse. Your son's birthmother could have been a block of magic wood."


Regina took her son into her father's tomb, since, due to her upbringing, she had no clue what a proper family outing was supposed to be like. "Thanks for the organ, Dad, and sorry again about all the patricide." She settled the baby down in her vault, opened her alchemy set, and proceeded to ignore Earth's limitations on magic. "Now then, honey, if you promise not to vomit again, Mommy's going to tell you a little story. This one's about the dangers of codependency. Once upon a time-" she turned and winked at the camera—"There was a Queen who stole some guy's curse, which gave her everything she ever wanted, except for a boyfriend." She sniffled sadly.

"One day she got lonely, so she tried to con some twins into living with her. But that didn't work, so she tried to kidnap some little boy. But that didn't work, either, so she found a freakishly adorable little baby to be her prince. Unfortunately, there was an evil, besides her, lurking somewhere. The Queen was worried for her prince's safety, having had a bad experience with her own biological mother. However, she'd heard the story of Baelfire and Rumplestiltskin, so she knew that paranoia would only make her go psycho and drive her child away. So she somehow managed to brew a potion to forget all her worries." Regina tossed another dead man's toe into her cauldron and took an experimental sip. "There we go. It even got rid of my pet hamster's tragic death and those awful parachute pants I wore in the eighties." Beaming, she scooped her baby boy into her arms. "Oh, it's a great day for the Mills family, little man!"


Henry sat in the captain's cabin, looking disturbed by his latest death. Regina patted him on the back. "You look like you've spent five hours straight playing Space Inva—"

"Paranoids," he reminded her sharply.

"Whatever." She fired a spell at her son's chest. "Here, in case you're dumb enough to give the thing away again, this will stop you."

Henry wanted to be insulted by that, but as Snow White's grandson, he knew he was at risk for chronic gullibility. "Thanks, Mom."

"Anytime, precious." She kissed him and went off to find someone to gloat at.

The moment the door clicked shut, Pan popped out of nowhere, as usual. "Sorry about this, Henry, but you guys didn't bother to kill or neutralize me in any way. You just skipped off and left me to my own devices. What the hell did you think was going to happen?"


Meanwhile, up on deck, Neal had taken a can opener to Pandora's Box to get his old man back. Gold poofed back into being with his fists raised defensively. "I'm only going to ask this one more time, Dad! What have you done with Mom?!" He blinked. "Wait a minute, Bae?"

"My name is N—eh, forget it, Baelfire is a lot cooler," Neal finally admitted. "So, why didn't you tell me about our twisted family tree?"

"Well, I figured it was complicated enough already, and besides, I couldn't bear the shame of you knowing that my horrible parenting skills were somewhat justified."

"Aw, you're not so bad. Hell, compared to your old man, you're Ward Cleaver." Neal finally caved in to pressure from Dearies everywhere and hugged his dad.

"Right back at you, son." Gold beamed proudly. "You know, if this trend continues, Henry's kids are going to be positively normal."

Emma looked on, bored. "Yes, yes, an end to three centuries of bitterness, rage, and pain is great and all, but what really matters is that now my daddy will be able to come home and help me keep Hook at bay." She did a little fist pump.

"Aw, I love it when you play hard to get, baby," Hook giggled.

Gold suddenly stiffened. "My 'Stiltskin sense is tingling!"

"Nevengers away!" cried Neal, raising his sword.


"What are you doing here, Grandpan?" Henry demanded.

"I'm selling chocolate to pay for the Lost Boys' next field trip to Washington D.C. What the hell do you think?" Pan reached for his great-grandson's heart. "And don't ever call me that again!"

His hand rebounded and sirens rang out. "STEP AWAY FROM THE CHEST CAVITY! STEP AWAY FROM THE CHEST CAVITY! STEP AWAY FROM THE—"

"Damn, that's annoying," Pan griped. "Time for Plan B!" He flipped Henry over and started tugging at his shadow.

"Hey! Stop! I need that for shadow puppets!" Henry screamed, struggling.

Gold popped out of nowhere, as usual, Pandora's Box in hand. "Nobody dumps Rumplestiltskin and lives! NOBODY!" he roared, pointing it at his old man.

"Damn it, Rumple, you're a walking PSA for safe sex!" Pan groaned, clinging to Henry.

"What—" said Henry's lips.

"Is going—" said Pan's.

"On—" said Henry's.

"Here?!" finished Pan, finally losing his grip and disappearing into the box.

"Henry!" cried Regina, rushing to her son's side in full helicopter mode.

"Sure. We'll go with that." Henry giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron.

"Are you okay?"

"He's fine. All those years of psychological abuse must have toughened him up," said Gold.


"Quick, let's take the sentient shadow out of its magic coconut and superglue it to the sails before we realize how stupid this plan is," Emma directed.

Neal stuffed the coconut into one of the ship's guns. "Thank the gods that Neverland's anti-technology field spared these things." He fired the cannon.

The shadow hurtled toward the mainsail. "Bang, they want it, bang, they want it! Bang, bang, bang, bang bang—"

"Shut the hell up!" Regina blasted the creature with magic, plastering it to the sail. "Ah, enslaving a powerful magical being. That strategy certainly never goes wrong on this show."

Hook looked up at his ship's sails, which were now black, in dismay. "And…my transition into Jack Sparrow is now complete. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, ladies and gentlemen."

"What's done is done. Can we please get back to Storybrooke and try to salvage the rest of the season now?" Emma pleaded.

"Will love be in the air?"

"Ugh, yes," she admitted grudgingly.

"I'm in!" Hook ran to the helm as fast as his legs would carry him.

David tapped his daughter on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but we haven't had a conversation of any kind this season. Don't you think we're overdue for a little father-daughter bonding?"

Emma sighed. "Fine, let's get it over with."

"Thanks, pumpkin." He smiled proudly. "I can't believe you kept us all from killing each other. The United Nations and all its peacekeeping troops couldn't have done a better job."

"Aw shucks, Pops," said Emma bashfully.

Tinkerbell spotted Wendy and held out her arms "Hey kiddo, long time no see!"

Wendy recoiled. "Hold up, aren't we supposed to be archenemies?"

"Rumplestiltskin just defeated his abusive father Peter Pan, Snow White is hugging the Evil Queen, and Prince Charming is glaring at his future son-in-law Captain Hook," said Tink flatly.

"Okay, I guess there are stranger things in the world than our bromance." Wendy caved in and hugged her. "In gratitude for your unexplained friendship over the years, allow me to offer you a gift." She handed over a little vial. "It's pixie dust. I scraped it out of your hairbrush."

"I can't use this, I'm not a fairy anymore."

Wendy's eyebrows rose. "If Belle can use it, why the heck can't you?"

Tink groped for an explanation. "Uh…" She glanced over her shoulder at the camera. "Go focus on someone else, already!"

Henry pranced up onto the forecastle, giggling evilly, which should have been an oxymoron . "Knock that off, it's creepy!" his father ordered.

"Sure thing, sucker," the boy agreed with a smirk.

"That's my boy." Neal slapped him on the back, glowing with pride. "Listen, son, I know I haven't been a very good father to you, but I discovered tonight that my problem is genetic, so can you be a good sport and give me another chance?"

"Of course, my relatively-mild deadbeat," he agreed, accepting his father's hug.

Tinkerbell offered Regina a grudging handshake. "I'm glad you finally found your prince charming, even if he did turn out to be eleven years old."

"Thanks, homie, and sorry again about that heinous 'bad fairy' remark I made all those years ago."

Tink smiled. "It seems that Hallmark and I were right. There really is some good in everyone." The pixie dust came to life in her grasp.

"Congratulations, you're now as magical as Belle," said Regina. "It's a start, at least."

Henry went over to the corner where Felix was sitting. "Why the hell did they bring you? And not even bother to restrain you?"

"They're not that smart."

"I couldn't agree more." The boy smirked.

"What do you want?"

"I thought you could use one of these." Henry handed him a Zoloft cupcake.

"What's the point?" Felix sobbed. "I'll never be happy again! You people destroyed the only man I've ever loved!"

"Aw, I can't stand to see you cry," said Henry. "Felix, it's me, your pookie."

"Really?" Felix brightened. "Wanna make out?"

"I'm afraid there's no time," Panry apologized. "We're about to embark on the most epic round of mental abuse the world has ever known. I'm just sorry you won't be alive to see it."

"Wait, what?"