Note: Sorry about the confusion, but let me just clear up that Leah did NOT actually imprint on Ian. If she imprinted, their connection would have been immediate, and his death would pretty much have meant her death as well. I'm not that mean.
"For those who knew him, and from what we've..." Sam cleared his throat, glancing up at Leah. "What we've seen from Leah, Ian was a very bright young man. He was funny, received excellent grades, and was very... Very, ah, resourceful."
I smiled. Resourceful wasn't exactly a word I would have used to describe Ian, but I knew Sam was doing his best. He had never actually known him. His eyes kept darting back at Emily, making sure that what he was saying was appropriate, and she in turn kept looking anxiously at me.
I tried to smile reassuringly at her. Sam could have said that Ian had been a baby troll and it wouldn't have mattered much; without them, Ian would not have even been having a funeral.
"We know that the loss of such a... A young life is devastating, but I hope all of his loved ones-" He looked around, and seeing as I was the only real "loved one" here, amended his words. "Well, Bailey. I hope that his sister realizes that he is better hands now..."
I let Sam's voice fade to the background, and let my eyes wander away from him and towards the coastline. The ocean seemed subdued today. Waves broke half-heartedly onto the shore. Seagulls flew in circles above us, their cries piercing the steady pounding of the waves.
The ceremony was taking place on the beach. I had told Emily that I was afraid that Ian would never get any kind of funeral, but that I would probably rather die then plan one. She immediately said she would arrange something.
We were semi-circled around a large, pock-marked boulder. Emily explained that instead of having graveyards, the Quileute people would put the bodies out to sea. The boulder had served for hundreds of years as a kind of grave marker for all of the deceased.
It was very interesting to look at, and though we were about one hundredths Quileute, I knew that Ian would have thought it was cool. On the surface in white chalk and engravings were layers of inscriptions: names, hearts, crosses, and dates. I could just make out some of the more recent ones: Lillian Pullen, 1924- 2000; Sarah Black, 1963-2002; Harry Clearwater, 1951- 2012.
At the base lay yellow daffodils.
Sam's talk lasted about five minutes. I was grateful for him to do this, and grateful that he made it blessedly short.
There was a moment of silence when he finished speaking. I felt Seth's gaze shift to me, as it had done many times in the last few minutes.
Sam nodded at me. "Anything else you would like to say?" I was watching the waves recede, seashells tumbling across the sand as they were pulled back with it. It took me a moment to realize he was talking to me.
I turned back and shook my head. "No. Thank you."
People around me started to stir.
There was a shocked looking, red-haired boy here who I learned was Ian's friend and lab partner. There was one of his teachers, and there was me. The rest of the people here were all members of the pack.
I was touched that they had come, but also surprised and slightly guilty. Were they just here because Sam had ordered them? Because Leah had bullied them into coming, or because they just felt bad for me?
Embry had done his best to comfort me beforehand. He ended up muttering his condolences and clapping a hand on my shoulder, making Seth growl and my knees buckle.
"You know you didn't have to... Have to come," I told him. "I mean, thank you, but I know you didn't really..."
He had smiled sadly and shook his head, sharing a knowing glance with Seth. "I didn't actually know him, but Leah thought about him all the time. Now that he's... That he's, um, passed, her pain is our pain."
"Oh." I grimaced. "That must... Not be fun."
Embry had nodded grimly. "Yeah. Sucks to suck."
The pack members now looked as relieved as I felt that the ceremony was over. Quil stood up and stretched his arms over his head, and I noticed that even Paul had come, sitting in the background and staring out to sea the whole time.
I took a deep breath.
Funeral: check. I made it through. What's next?
"Oh, Bailey!" Kim ran over and threw her arms around me, effectively cutting off much of my air supply. "Bailey, I-I don't know what to say!"
"Kim-" I faltered, still getting over the shock - hugs were something I was unaccustomed to, unless it was a quick two pats on the back from a disinterested classmate, not wanting to leave me out in the end-of-year nostalgia.
It was great. I could get used to hugs.
"I know I didn't really know him, but- but it's all just so sad! You're poor brother! Are you all right? I lost my grandmother, and I know it's not the same, but I was just so sad, and-and- oh, I'm just so sorry!"
She pulled back briefly and I saw genuine tears shining in her eyes. And she hadn't even known him.
I think I rather loved Kim.
"Thanks for coming, Kim."
"Of course we came! You're family! Isn't she, Jare?" Jared had come up behind her, gently unwinding her arms from their tight grip around me.
"Of course."
"Absolutely. And if you ever need anything at all- I mean, I know you have Seth and everything, but if you just want to talk or cry or eat ice cream or anything, I'm here, okay? And, really, I'm so, so sorry... Ian..."
She broke off, her lip quivering, and then flung her arms around Jared, her face pressed into his chest while her breath hitched and she sobbed.
Her voice was muffled against Jared's shirt. "Oh, it's just so, so sad..."
Jared wrapped an arm around her and stroked her hair absent-mindedly with one hand. I had the feeling that he took the role of "comforter" fairly often. Not that he minded.
He glanced down at her, eyes sad and adoring, then back up at me. "Yeah, Bailey, like she said, if you ever need anything..."
I nodded. "Thank you."
"And I'm really sorry. About Ian. It's hard."
I nodded, then looked away, towards the ocean again. The wind had picked up, and it stung my eyes.
They said goodbye and started heading up the beach to Jared's car, Kim sniffling and clutching to Jared's hand.
It was hard for me to believe her words about me being "family." What made someone constitute as family? I had always thought that it was just someone you loved. If that was it, then in Kim's case, maybe I was family. She seemed to love very easily. That was nice. But everybody else?
No matter, they were all certainly very nice to me. Muttered "sorry"s from most of the guy members- I knew they weren't sure what to say, but the fact that they cared made me feel surprisingly... Happy? Not really. It made me feel cared for. Emily hugged me the way that a mother would, her soft dress against my arms. She smelled like her house, like family and muffin mix.
Seth did not leave my side.
Once people had started to draw away- walking down the beach or back to their cars, back to their lives because life would actually carry on per usual, whether I believed it or not- I felt his hand brush down my arm. I turned, and his eyes traced over my features. He was probably searching for some sign that I wasn't going to make it back to the car without breaking down.
He seemed satisfied with what he saw.
"Are you ready?"
"Yeah."
"Back to your house, right?"
I nodded. "I have to pack..."
He must have seen my discontent at that show on my face, even as I looked down. He touched a finger to my chin, and I looked back up automatically.
"It'll be okay. I'll help."
"There's just so much... Our blender is really old, and it weighs about a hundred pounds."
He laughed, and without thinking, I smiled. "Just because her children are werewolves doesn't mean that my mother isn't a normal person, Bail. We have a blender at our house."
"Oh," I said, my eyebrows going down. "Oh, right. I knew that."
I had two and a half months until I turned eighteen. Two and a half more months until I could live alone, go to college, get a job, whatever. Usually in these situations - when both parents were gone, with nothing left for the child - you would stay with a relative. I had a grandmother who I barely knew that lived in Port Angeles (Krazy for Kwilting!), but due to health issues she was not deemed an appropriate guardian. My other option was going to foster care.
Um...
No.
Seth's mother had pulled a few strings. And it wasn't too hard, in a town where there was a limited amount of legal officers,and they had all been in the same preschool class that she had been in. Who cares if it isn't strictly legal?
I would be staying with Seth until my birthday.
After that, I have no idea what I will do. But for now, things were worked out. And nobody could deny that it was the best place for me right now.
We started back across the sand, but I tugged Seth's hand to stop him. "Wait, Seth..." I looked around, back towards the boulder.
There was one person who I had not talked to.
"You can go back to the car." I nodded back towards the boulder. "I just want to make sure she's... okay."
He tightened his hold on my hand, looking worried. "I don't know if that's..." He looked at her, then back down and shook his head. "I guess so. I think she just needs time, you know? But you can try to talk to her. I hope she does."
I nodded. "You'll be right here?"
"Of course."
I bit my lip and started walking back towards the boulder.
Leah. Poor Leah.
She had attended the funeral, but didn't say anything. Now she sat at the base of the boulder, legs sprawled out in front of her. Her head rested back on the rock. One hand lay on the daffodils.
"Leah," I called out. She did not move.
I walked closer, until I was looking down at her. Her hair was rat's nest, tangled and choppy and spilling into her eyes. She had deep brown smudges underneath her eyes, and shadows over her cheek bones. Her eyes were closed.
I waited a moment, wringing my hands, then sat down next to her.
We both sat in silence for a moment, but it was far from quiet. The ocean still rushed behind us, the birds still called above us, and the sound of teenagers' yells from down the beach reached us despite the wind.
"Hey," I finally said.
For a minute I thought she wasn't going to answer. But then she lifted her head up and sighed, drawing her knees to her chest.
"Hey."
We looked at each other, both tried for a smile and both failed, and ended up staring at each other.
"Are you okay?"
She rubbed her eyes, her mouth barely moving when she spoke. "Yup."
"Oh."
More silence. But I was glad for it, in a way. She was really the only other person who knew what this felt like. It was kind of comforting to know somebody else felt your pain, to know that they really truly were sorry that Ian was dead. That they didn't have to say it for you to know.
"Really?" I finally asked. "You don't look like it.
She sighed again, and looked at me. "Thanks."
"Oh, no, I didn't-"
"Chill, Bail. I know what you meant."
I started to fiddle with my bracelet, but after years of fiddling the knot holding it together decided to give out. I stared at the dilapidated piece of string for a couple seconds, then brushed it off from where it lay on my leg.
"I think that once I believe it, I'll be okay," Leah started. "Right now..." She picked up my bracelet from where it had dropped to the ground, and wrapped it around her finger. "Right now I'll think, 'Ian is dead,' and it doesn't mean anything. Because I just can't..."
She looked at me, and I nodded. I understood what she meant. She looked relieved, and kept going.
"I keep waiting for it to be like, Ian is dead, I am sad, and that is it. But I'm not there yet."
I nod again, not sure if I should say something.
"It was the same with my dad," she mutters after a moment.
I wince. I ache for Leah. Sam, and then her dad, and now Ian...
"I'm so sorry," I say, because it works for everybody else. "You and Ian were kind of dating, weren't you?"
She shrugs. "Kind of. I mean, we kissed and I sort of loved him, but that doesn't change the fact that he was fourteen and I'm twenty-two." She grimaces. "Gosh, now that he's gone, that just sounds so wrong."
"Fifteen. He was fifteen," I add quietly.
"It wasn't the same as it was with Sam," she continues. I don't think she knows that it was his birthday. "Sam left me because he did not want to be with me anymore."
"That's not true. He just loved Emily more."
"Oh, excuse me. That makes things much better."
"Sorry."
She rubs her eyes with her fingers, shaking her head. "I just can't believe it... Is there something wrong with me? Is this my fault? Every single time I start to get- to get happy, life just likes to kick my butt all over again!" Leah's voice starts to rise, and her hands rake roughly through the sand. "I mean, really? Really? After all of this, after Sam and dad, Ian, too? Really? I've never killed anybody or stolen anything or spit on babies or anything, have I? So why is this happening! I don't deserve this!"
She throws the sand out in front of her, some of it being whipped back by the wind into my face. It stings.
"I'm sorry," I say again. "I don't know why any of this happened. You don't deserve it. Nobody does."
Leah's face softens when she looks at me. The seagulls have gone quiet, and I realize that a storm is probably coming. I want it to rain right now, to soak me and wash away Ian's yellow flowers.
"What about you?" Leah asks quietly. "Are you okay?"
I shrug. "I don't know. I think so."
"You have Seth."
"I have Seth," I repeat. "Who do you have?" She looks away. "I'm coming to live with you."
"I know."
"Just for two months."
"I know that, too. I'm glad. Seth will be a lot happier, and mom always cooks better food when we has company."
"Do you know what I'm scared of, Leah?"
"Don't worry, our house isn't haunted."
I smile. "That's not what I meant. It's about Ian. His funeral... I was really scared that nobody would come."
She is looking at me, but doesn't really seem to know what to say. "Oh."
"Because," I continue, "When I think about it, I never really knew a whole lot about Ian's life if it didn't have to do with me. And there was that red-haired kid, but other then that... He didn't seem to have many friends, Leah."
"You don't need to slander his social life now that he's dead, Bail."
"That's not- that's not what I'm-" I struggle for the words to say this correctly. "I'm scared that he died without a purpose. I'm scared that he just lived for fourteen-fifteen- years, and then died... And never really did anything. Because if he didn't, then what is the worth in all of this? If nobody will remember him in a year besides from me-" Leah's eyebrows draw down, but she doesn't stop me. "-then why am I so sad? What was the worth in you loving him, in him dying? It seems like... Like a badly written book. Where you just have this main character that doesn't do much, and then he dies for no reason, and everybody is all sad, but all of the sadness doesn't have a purpose."
Leah looks up at the sky. "I'm sorry, Ian, that your sister feels the need to doubt you now that you're not here to defend yourself. I'll make sure to smack her for you."
"Leah!" I can't tell whether I'm about to laugh or cry. I look up at the sky. Could Ian possibly hear us?
"First off, Bailey," Leah says, looking back at me, "He didn't die for nothing. He was saving your butt. And second, he didn't live without purpose."
Something clicks in my brain. "Oh, wait, Leah, that's not what I meant. I know that you loved him and everything-"
"Well, yeah, he brought me happiness, but that's not what I'm talking about Bailey."
I stare at her.
"Ian told me about your dad." Her eyes abruptly turn dark and her fists clench. "Which, by the way, if they find him bring him to me, kay? I need to torture him before he dies. Anyways, do you think you would have survived all of those years with your dad alone? Think about what it would have been like if Ian wasn't there."
I didn't need to think about it. I might as well have been dead.
"I'm not saying that he was meant to die, but just that he was meant to be there for you, Bailey. I'm guessing he saved your life many more times then just what happened last week."
I blink up at the sky. He did. Ian saved me, over and over again.
Leah stands up, just as the first fat raindrop plops onto my forehead. "Also, Bailey, I was thinking. I was thinking about you and Seth, you and Ian... I think it was all kind of meant to be. You and Seth exist for each other. And I think it was just meant to be that you found each other, like, right as this all was happening. Our dad had just died, and Seth wasn't doing so hot. But then he found you. And now that Ian is dead, you have Seth. It kind of worked out."
My eyes abruptly fill up, my chest squeezing. "Y-you mean that Ian died, so that I could be with Seth?"
"No! No, that's not what I mean, idiot. Sorry. Not idiot. I just meant that, throughout all of the bad stuff, the timing worked out pretty well. You're both sad, you can both... Heal together. That's all I meant."
"Oh," I say, wiping at the tears. "That's-that's actually really sweet, Leah."
She snorts. "Yeah, sure. And where does that leave me?"
So, all in all, as I met up with Seth and we started back towards the car, I knew that Leah was hurting, but she would be okay.
And that was all we needed.
Let me just say that writing on the crappy keyboard of an iPad in a hotel bathroom, so as not to wake up your roommates, does not lead to the swiftest writing. To Eliza, I doubt I'll have it up by your birthday, but a Seth POV chapter is in the makings. I have about four more chapters left, so we're nearing the end folks, and I appreciate you hanging with me! :)
