Chapter 50

"First of all, I think it must be said that we failed you, Anakin," Obi-Wan began. His words surprised Anakin. "I should have seen what Palpatine was doing to you, how he'd been manipulating you for years. All of us should have seen who and what he was before it was too late to stop him."

Anakin shook his head. "I appreciate you saying that, Obi-Wan," he said. "But I made my choices. I know now that he did manipulate me, I know that he'd been grooming me for years to become his apprentice. But I let him. I let him feed my ego. The blame is mine."

"Why did you do it?" Ahsoka asked. "Why did you make the choices you made?"

Anakin looked at her. "In the beginning I did it to save my wife," he said.

"Your wife?" Ahsoka asked. "You were married back then? When I was your apprentice?"

Anakin simply nodded.

"Who was she?" Ahsoka asked. "Who were you married to?"

"Padmé," Anakin told her. "Senator Amidala. I married her in secret shortly after the Clone War began."

"You went against the Jedi Code," Ahsoka stated.

"I'm aware of that," Anakin said. "I knew that when I married her, but I didn't care. I would have done anything to be with Padmé. And I would have done anything to save her. In the end, I gave my soul because I believed it was the only way to save her."

Ahsoka felt her heart wrench at his words. "What did you think you needed to save her from?"

Anakin frowned as he remembered that fateful night when the nightmares about Padmé dying began. He'd never felt such terror, such desolation. "I had a vision of her dying," he said at last. "On the day that she told me that she was pregnant, I dreamed about her dying in childbirth. And somehow, I don't even understand how, Palpatine knew of my fears. He preyed on my fears, and lead me to believe that the only way to save her from dying was to learn the ways of the Dark Side of the Force."

There was a heavy silence that hung in the room as each of the three Jedi digested this. Ahsoka felt her emotions rising close to the surface, and for a moment she had to struggle to master them.

"Why didn't you tell me, Anakin?" she asked at last. "Why did you carry this alone?"

Anakin turned to her. "You left, Ahsoka," he said.

Ahsoka frowned, the guilt she'd felt over leaving Anakin rising within her. Would he have turned to the Dark Side if I'd stayed? Would he have confided in me if I'd stayed?

"I couldn't have told you," Anakin said. "I couldn't tell anyone, not even Obi-Wan. How could I? I broke the Jedi Code. I couldn't put my friends in a position where they'd have to choose to turn me in or keep silent. I would never do that."

Yoda remembered the morning when Anakin had come to him, full of anguish and fear, to ask his advice. And what had he told him? He'd told him that he needed to let go of someone he feared to lose. If Yoda had known who Anakin was referring to, that it was his secret wife who was carrying his child that he was desperate to save, what advice would he have given him? Would he have turned him in? Or would he have found a way to help him?

"Perhaps it would be prudent to give Anakin some time to consider all this," Obi-Wan said. "Clearly this isn't an easy decision for him to make."

Yoda nodded. "Meditate on this, Anakin," he suggested. "Await your decision we will."

"I will," Anakin said. "And I will speak to my wife about this," he added. "She is the centre of my life, and must have input on this decision."

Ahsoka smiled. Clearly Anakin loved his wife very much. Senator Amidala is his wife, she reflected. She's been his wife all along...how did I not know?

"We look forward to hearing your decision," Ahsoka said as they stood up. "It's good to see you again, Anakin," she said.

Anakin smiled. "It's good to see you too," he said. "I'll be in touch." With that, Anakin turned and left, with Obi-Wan at his side.

The two friends walked through the temple in silence, each contemplative as they considered the meeting. Anakin had expected far worse. They fact that they wanted him to return to the Order surprised him, shocked him even. When he'd come to the temple he'd expected to be accused, to be castigated. And yet, they wanted him back.

"When will you return to Naboo?" Obi-Wan asked as they flew back to the apartment.

"Tonight," Anakin said. "We need to start packing and order furniture for the new house," he said. "Padmé was going to try and do some of that today but it's not easy with four little ones."

Obi-Wan smiled. "No, I don't imagine it would be. Will you be looking for a new nanny?"

"Yes," Anakin replied. "I just hope we find one with more stamina than the last one."

"Caring for Force sensitive children isn't easy," Obi-Wan commented. "I know that first hand. Luke and Leia can certainly be a handful."

Anakin looked at him, a brief stab of jealousy filling him as he remembered that Obi-Wan had been there when Luke and Leia were born, that he'd been there to watch them grow from infants into toddlers. Those precious first years were lost forever to Anakin, who'd spent Luke and Leia's first two years hunting down the very Jedi who now wanted to welcome him back into their midst.

Upon returning to the apartment, Obi-Wan found Helen in the living room making puzzles with Luke and Leia. Obi-Wan could see at once how tired she was.

"I think perhaps it's time to get home," Obi-Wan said as he helped his wife up from the floor. "Looks like someone could use a rest."

Helen smiled. "You take such good care of me," she said, standing up and kissing his cheek. "How did things go at the temple?"

"Better than we expected," Obi-Wan said, watching Anakin as he picked up Luke and Leia to hug them. Clearly the entire experience had been taxing on Anakin emotionally. Being with his children was like a tonic for him.

"Where's Mommy?" Anakin asked his children as he set them down on the floor again.

"She's feeding the babies," Helen informed him.

"Thank you for helping her out this afternoon," Anakin said to her.

Helen smiled. "Not at all," she said. "Luke and Leia are delightful children. I enjoyed spending time with them."

Obi-Wan smiled, and put an arm around his wife, his pride and love for her fairly radiating out of him. "Time to go, love," he said.

"Okay, let me just say goodbye to Padmé," Helen said.

Anakin followed Helen into the master bedroom as Obi-Wan entertained Luke and Leia for a few minutes. Padmé was nursing one of the babies when he found her.

"We're leaving now," Helen said. "Obi-Wan insists that I need a rest."

Padmé smiled. "I'm sure you do," she said. "Thank you so much for your help, Helen. I don't know how I'd have managed without you."

Helen smiled, feeling quite sure that Padmé would have found a way. "I'll see you soon," she said. She left them then, and Padmé looked up at Anakin who stood watching Amidala as she slept in her bassinet. She could tell at once that he'd been through the proverbial wringer.

"How did it go?" she asked him.

Anakin looked at her. "Not as bad as I'd feared," he said. "But still, pretty brutal."

"I'm sure," she said as she put the baby on her shoulder to burp her.

"Ahsoka was there," Anakin said as he sat down on the end of the bed to face his wife. "She's changed so much," he said.

"She's all grown up," Padmé pointed out. "How was she? Was she happy to see you?"

"Not at first," Anakin said. "But she warmed up. They want me to rejoin the Order, Padmé," he said.

Padmé digested this in silence as she put the baby in his bassinet. "How do you feel about that?" she asked.

"I don't honestly know," Anakin said. "I'm ...honoured that they'd want me back, that they'd take me back. But I don't know if I feel right about it, Padmé. I did my best to destroy the Jedi. What right do I have to be one of them now?"

Padmé sat down on the bed beside him. "If they feel you are worthy, then you must be," she said. "You've done so much to atone for the past, Ani. Don't underestimate that."
"I know that," he said, taking her hand. "It's just that...I tried to do both before, be a Jedi and a husband to you, and look how it ended up. How can I do both now? We have four children. Where does being a Jedi fit into all that?"

Padmé frowned and looked down at their joined hands. "Ani, if you want this, then please don't worry about the children and me. Things are completely different now. Before we needed to hide our marriage, our children; now we can live openly."

"I realize that, but..."

She looked up at him. "Anakin, I'm afraid that that won't be enough for you," she said, deciding to put it all on the table. "Being a Jedi has been such an integral part of your identify for so long. I don't want to deprive you of that, I never have. I don't want you to regret passing up on this opportunity. I don't want you to feel that being married to me isn't enough for you."

Anakin was shocked by her words. He turned to face her, and took her face in his hands. "Not enough for me?" he asked, the incredulity clear in his voice. "Not enough for me? Padmé, you're everything."

Padmé smiled as her eyes filled with tears. Anakin kissed her then, and he poured into his kiss all the love the he felt for the woman who was everything in the universe to him.